Beautiful Tragedy
by 217
Summary: Junkie and alien enthusiast, will Negan be able to help one of his wives get clean? He'll soon learn she doesn't want his help or him. (Now with Simon, Carl, Jesus, Rick, Daryl, King Ezekiel, Morgan, and Shiva!) Negan / OC
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I usually write from Negan's point of view, but this story will actually be from the OC's point of view. Just a couple of warnings. The OC is a drug addict, so there are several drug references and drug use. She's also particularly vulgar. Smut is another normal occurrence. Then the typical things you'd expect. Violence, Negan's filthy mouth, and sensitive situations. I had this story in the comic section, but as I progress with it, I guess it doesn't really matter because the OC doesn't conflict with the story and it really just focuses on her and Negan. Plus, I really love Simon (Steven Ogg's character on the show) so I'd like to eventually work him in the story. There's a reference picture for the OC on my profile. Three dots are a few hours passed, a line break is a new day or days.**

* * *

A clammy tongue runs along my calf. "Ew, gross," I grimace, shooing Amber's dog away. When the fucking thing comes back for round two, I slide my feet up the molding on the wall. "Keep yapping and I'll throw you out the fucking window." I clap my hands together. "Splat!"

"You're an asshole, RM," Amber sneers, scooping up the dog. "What kind of a person threatens an animal?"

"It'd be a more humane way to kill the fucking thing than whatever death the animal got to make that fucking fur coat you're wearing. I'm curious, what dead animal **are** you showcasing this evening?"

"Alright, that's enough, you two," Sherry intervenes. " **It** will be home soon, and none of us are going to get any peace and quiet then."

I'll agree with her on that. In fact, **it** arrives sooner than anticipated this evening. I watch out the window as Negan storms out of the first truck. He's riled up about something. I tuck myself away on this windowsill, hoping to make myself invisible. Just so we're clear, Negan would never force himself on any of us. You can say no if you don't wanna fuck. It's just… I really don't want to fuck him sober. That big hairy body. Yuck. So why am I a wife if I don't want his sweaty skin pressed against mine as he spews out profanity? Funny you should ask. All of Negan's Saviors are on a point system. Frankly, I'm way too goddamn lazy to work for my points. Being a wife you forgo that. Negan calls it a _privilege_ to be with him. He's so full of himself. Shit! He's already heading inside! I claim the bathroom before one of the other girls. There's a loose spot in one of the tiles in the floor that I hide pills. I pop a few of my pain pills, and chase it with the rest of my bottom shelf bourbon in this flask. Negan's parlor is like a goddamn pain pill Easter egg hunt. I have shit hidden everywhere.

"RM, hurry up!"

I return to my spot back on the windowsill, and wait for **its** arrival. Oh, shit, I don't think those were pain pills. Fuck, what was that? Fuck it. I've only been here at Negan's place for two weeks. Who would have thought to hold up in a fucking factory? Guess it's better than the tin can I-

"Ladies, line up for a shot in the mouth."

Great. **It**. It's like someone wakes up every morning and draws him he's **that** fucking ridiculous. He. Has. **No**. Game. Look at him… Rubbing his denim boner on Sherry. Ugh. I have to keep myself from laughing when Sherry rejects him. Shit, I've been discovered.

"RM." He extends his index finger towards his bedroom.

Okay, now, like I said, I don't have to do anything I don't wanna fucking do. Except for one thing. Tomorrow is the day we get to cash in all our points for goods in the supply room. I know if I butter up to this idiot, I'll have a better shot at scooping up as much shit as I possibly can. I drop my feet to the ground and make my way to his room.

He grunts displeased at my combat boots, his displeasure continuing as his eyes move up my legs.

I wear the same thing every single day so I don't know why he acts fucking surprised. Boots aka RM's DMs. Some type of black stockings, either fishnet or these beauties with stars on them. Then my cut off denim shorts. Shirt? Whatever I fucking find. I don't know why he fucking cares what I wear, anyhow. I take it all off except for my stockings when we fuck. Those fucking stay on. **Always**. I've ripped a hole for his dick to go through. My pills start kicking in. Right on time. Negan's sexual prowess is at best four minutes, and that's if we don't work him up. If that's the case, like today, we're talking forty-nine seconds of seizuring on top of you while he asks who the king dick motherfucker is. What an idiot. There's water spots on the ceiling again. Reminds me of home. Complete with a fresh coat of black mold paint.

"Fuck, you close?"

Time to Oscar the fuck out of this shit. And the academy award goes to?

"Yeah, fuck, yeah, RM."

Fuck yeah, fuck yeah. Just thinking about all those pills I'm going to get tomorrow gives me that euphoric daze he mistakes for an orgasm. Well, that and the pills I took.

"Wanna drink?" He buttons his pants, grabbing the bottle from his cabinet.

"I better not." I know what you're thinking. Me? Passing up alcohol? That's how annoying this motherfucker really is, but… I'm a weak piece of shit. "Fill it up," I reply after I toss back the first glass.

"I didn't ask you to stay so you'd get fucking wasted. Why don't you try sleeping at night? Those dark circles aren't doing you any favors to complement your bloodshot eyes."

"Who fucking sleeps anymore? The dead are eating the living."

He latches onto the glass before I can take it back. "You know I'd protect you girls with my life. You know that right?"

Truthfully, that is one admirable quality about Negan. He holds the safety of his people at such an imposing standard, and puts his wives at an even bigger one.

"Why do you bust my balls so goddamn hard?"

"Because I can." I yank the glass from his hand.

He chuckles more amused than he should be. Probably because the fucker knows I'm right. He's a real pussy when it comes to his wives. If any of his men talked to him the way that I did, they'd be chained to that fence outside with the dead. "I got you something." He fishes a pair of aviator sunglasses out of his pants pocket.

"Really? This is for me?"

"How many other RM's do you see in here?"

No one's ever given me shit. How am I supposed to know what a goddamn gift is like?

Negan slides them on my face. "There. Now I can't see your unsettling bloodshot eyes."

"Thanks. These are real fucking nice." Someone sat on my last pair, which I have a sneaking suspicion it was his gigantic ass that broke them.

"Don't fucking thank me. Besides, I kinda sat on your last pair."

I knew it. He tried to blame that shit on Sherry.

"What kind of a name is RM, anyway?"

"What kind of a name is Negan?" I really don't care about his stupid name, and honestly, I don't know why he cares about mine. Shit. He looks mad. Can't have him mad before tomorrow. "RM is an abbreviation."

"For?"

"Can I really not smoke in here?"

"No."

"Please? I don't want to go up to the roof."

"Answer my question and I'll make an exception."

I sigh heavily, before making him wait while I light my cigarette. "It stands for rude motherfucker."

"Are you fucking with me?"

"Huh? I already fucked you."

"Goddamn, woman. You're a fucking mess."

I ash on his floor before having a seat on the windowsill. "Why were you so pissed off today when you got off the truck?"

"Because it was a waste of my **precious** motherfucking time." He plops down on the couch that's under the windowsill.

"I thought you had people for that. You know, to do the grunt shit." I slap his hand away when he starts rubbing on my stockings.

"Yeah, but every now and then you gotta show these fucks who's king dick. Make people fall in line."

"What a shit job."

"Nothing makes me harder. Not you girls. Not even Lucille over there."

Don't even get me started on Lucille. The man named a goddamn barbed wire baseball bat after this chick named Lucille. Hell, I'm not even sure if Lucille is even a real person, but what he does to the fucking thing **is** real. He rubs his dick on it sometimes. I made the mistake once of asking if he keeps the wire on, and got to witness my own personal show. For the record, he **does**.

"You ever do anything you wish you hadn't?" He must be close to the end of that bottle. Negan and I have never had an actual conversation but he's chatty fucking Cathy this evening.

I'm way too high to keep up my surly façade. "Gauge my ears."

"…the fuck is that?"

I flip some of my hair to the side so he can see the hole in my earlobe.

"No goddamn way. Let me put my dick through that."

"It's not **that** wide."

He snickers when I put my own foot in my mouth. "Yeah, I do have a wide cock."

Guess I'll give him that, too. While he doesn't have the length, the man's got girth. "Zip your pants back up."

"Come on, RM. Little Negan wants to play again."

I ash my cigarette near his crotch. "Pour me another drink."

"You don't need another goddamn drink. I like my women conscious when I fuck them."

"Oh, Negan," I snort. If you only knew…

* * *

Hurry up, hurry up! I swear to Christ, Amber is taking her sweet ass time as payback for threatening her mongrel. Finally! Alright, now as long as dingus here doesn't interrupt my concentration.

His hands are already all over me.

I shove him off, and continue collecting things for the other Saviors.

"No, goddamn way. You're not getting two cartons of smokes for one week."

Fuck. If I don't get Connor these smokes, he's not going to give me my coke. "There's an entire wall of smokes."

"No. Cigarettes are always the first to go. That means they're worth more than what you put out for in a week. Which is practically nothing."

"Please?"

"I want anal then," he smirks, unbuttoning my pants.

I don't care what he fucks as long as I get my coke. I'll do anything for cocaine. **Anything**.

...

"Pleasure doing business with you," Connor smirks.

"The pleasure is all mine."

"The boys at the outpost scored heroin."

"Get the fuck out of here." I haven't done heroin since…

"I sure ain't giving it up for a carton of smokes."

"What do you want?"

He grins devilishly.

"I don't solicit sex for drugs."

"You and Negan holding each other at night then?"

"That's different. He takes care of me."

"I'll take care of you, Blondie."

I should have said no. I tried to say no. I really did, I swear!

He tightens his bandana around my arm.

"Alright," I whimper. "Leave my stockings on." Honestly. I wouldn't have even known if he took them off. That heroin hit me as soon as he pulled the needle from my arm.

 _Don't worry about me, RM._

Connor slaps my face a few times. "Hey, wake the fuck up." He's putting my shorts back on.

How do I not remember him fucking me? "I want more." Fuck pills. That's the high I've been missing.

"You know what I want."

"Anything. I'll give you anything."

"I'll get you more Friday."

* * *

I snap on a nitrile black glove. The doctor in the infirmary traded a box of them to me for two cases of soda.

A shadow casts over me.

Great. Him.

"The fuck are you doing?"

I roll my eyes skyward. Why does everyone always give me shit for wearing gloves when I eat? "Look here, you judgmental fuck. If I wanna wear gloves so I don't get chip dust on my hands, I will. I don't give you shit when you rub your dick on your golf club."

"Wanna play doctor?" Negan moves his erection closer to my head.

It should be no surprise he was all about me sticking a finger in his ass. Waste of a goddamn glove.

* * *

If I wear too much, Negan bitches. If I don't wear enough, I gotta hear Sherry squawking. I'm actually excited for Negan to come home today and get me the fuck away from the other girls, only, he wants two of us tonight. I don't swing that way, and walk past him annoyed, up to the roof. There's a few pills I have tucked under a rock like a hide-a-key that I take and wait for them to kick in. I walk close to the edge and look over it.

"You don't wanna play?"

"Not with dumb and dumber."

"They have names, you know."

"Really don't give a fuck."

"If I had known you were wearing just stockings and a garter belt, I wouldn't have picked dumb and dumber."

"Thought they had names?"

"Really don't give a fuck."

I laugh, looking over my shoulder. "Yes you do."

"Why won't you tell me your name?"

"I told you my name."

"Show me a birth certificate with motherfucker on it."

"I'll suck your dick if we can change the subject." The pills haven't even kicked in, I just don't want to talk about my goddamn name.

"Don't suppose I could convince you to join us?"

"No motherfucking way. You can't even hold your load with one of us, how the fuck are you going to keep up with two?"

"Goddamn, you're sexy. Why don't you ever talk like this when we fuck?"

"Because that means you'd have to last long enough to actually have a conversation."

"What-the-fuck-ever, bitch. Bring that ass over here and let's see how long I last."

I make a buzzing noise. "Sorry, maybe next time."

"Tch, fucking fine."

I sway, taking a step from the ledge. Shit. My stomach. Ugh. I cross my arms over it, hunching over a bit.

"What's wrong?"

"I thought you left." Fuck. This is not good. I'm sweating profusely, and it ain't from the heat.

He presses the tips of his fingers to my back. "Answer me."

"I don't know, I'm not a goddamn doctor!" I lunge forward, gripping the edge before throwing up over it. "Fuck." This sucks. I'm half way tempted to go dig through my vomit, but I think most of the pills have been digested, if I could even find them. Would you believe this motherfucker held my hair while I puked? Mr. _I'm the king dick_ sure fucking did. I thought when I was done, the pain would subside, but shit.

"She doesn't feel well," Negan speaks for me, setting me down in the restroom.

Jesus, the last thing I want is Sherry in my business any more than she already is.

"Make her some tea shit, put it in my room," he tells her.

Fuck, I think I'm starting to sober up. That must be the problem. "Can I have some privacy? You know to shower and shit."

"I can help you. I'll get you real clean." He sets my clothes on the counter.

Oh, god gross. Is he serious? Stupid question. Shit, that coke Connor gave me is in my other shorts. I think I have some pills in the vent though. Dingus here finally leaves. I retrieve my pills and flip on the shower to drown out the noise. Stupid, even for me, but I crush the shit up and snort it. Damn, that's fucking good. Holy shit!

...

I almost forgot to shower I'm so fucked up, and even put my shorts on backwards. The girls are eating something that upsets my stomach. I'll be honest. I don't remember much of anything for the next few hours. When I come to, I'm only wearing my stockings. He must have fucked me. Now he's rummaging through his armoire. The sight of him bent over and his balls hanging between his legs grosses me out, but I can't look away. It's like some kind of hairy pendulum. I stretch my fingers out, running them down what appears to be some type of seam on his balls.

"Fuck," he screams when he hits his head.

"I didn't mean to startle you, I was just curious."

"All that time you had my balls in your mouth and you couldn't be curious then?" He massages the side of his head.

Oh god, is he fucking serious?! I run my tongue along his sheet.

"Fuck you." He pours me a shallow drink.

Is he going to put on pants? His meat log is way too fucking close to my face. Thank Christ, he found pajama pants. My eyes trail the fabric. Fuck. That pattern. That color. Even the frayed uneven drawstring. What are the odds he'd have the same pair as... The only thing that's missing is the cigarette between his thumb and index finger… and a faint smile in the dark turned my way. "Can I smoke in here?"

"No. But you're probably going to do it any-fucking-way."

"Do you want one?"

"Why would I just casually want one?"

"I think it would be hot."

"You just want to picture me sucking dick."

No, you bastard. You don't know my fucking reasoning. "Just forget it." I force the pack back into my shorts pocket before slipping them on.

He stills my wrist. "Stay with me."

"No, let go."

He releases his grip as soon as the words leave my lips. "Okay," he murmurs, having a seat on his bed.

I toss back the drink before setting it in his palm. "Good night."

He doesn't respond, he just keeps that pathetic gaze on the empty glass in his hand.

There's this dopey ass look that Negan gives us sometimes. His eyebrows push up, and lips part. It's pathetic, but it's goddamn effective whether or not he means it that way. I move between his legs and have a seat on his thigh. I tug at some of the hair by his belly button. "I'm not good company."

"No shit." He reaches behind him and gets my shirt, helping me put it on. "Good night."

"Yeah." I take one last look back at him before I close the door. "Negan asked for two of you." Guess I'll help the poor fuck out.

Dumb and dumber waste no time hurrying into his room.

"You're welcome," I smirk.

* * *

I jerk awake from a deep nap. "Holy Jesus fuck, what the hell was that noise?"

"Relax. It sounds a lot worse than it is because of the metal," Sherry tells me.

I wince, stepping into my boots. I'm convinced this fucking wind is going to rip this motherfucker in half. The more I ascend into the belly of Sanctuary, the louder it gets. I stick my index fingers in my ears as I make my way for the front door. It's flung open before I get there. Thank fuck. I weed through Negan's men, and out the door. The rain is coming down so hard, it's difficult to make out where the trucks are. "N- Negan?" I tremble, folding my arms across my chest. Oh, no, where is he? A loud clap of thunder startles me, knocking my feet from under me. I huddle into a little ball as I cover my ears. Lightning brightens the dark sky, followed by another clap of thunder. I'm paralyzed. Fuck! I just want Negan! What he did for me yesterday was real decent. Maybe he's not so bad after all?

"Heh, look at this, boys. United States Pussy Service delivers right to your doorstep," Negan snickers.

I peek up at the other Saviors all getting a real good chuckle.

"Her box looks a little used," one of the men laugh, nudging me with his muddy boot.

I know what I am, and I'm not fucking ashamed to be that girl. My mother always said that if a man wants it, he'll take it, and he has the right to do so. But I bet if I were Sherry, things would be a lot different. That Negan would have snapped this man's ankle in half for touching her. I'm upset because as soon as I show this moment of weakness, it's exploited. Not just for his own personal amusement, but for some cheap ass laugh in front of his men.

"I'd return that cunt to the sender," another grimaces, spitting next to me before walking inside.

I don't resort to violence. It's just not in my nature to cause harm to anyone. I slug him hard, and break his nose doing it. "You wish pussy like this got delivered to your doorstep, bitch. Fucking spit at me again, and I'll break your goddamn jaw next time. How you gonna suck cock then, huh?" My tough façade is all bullshit, obviously, but fuck this motherfucker.

He rears his hand back half way to hit me before it's like the rug gets taken out from under him.

"You raise your hand to that woman again, and see what happens. I'll cut your goddamn hands off and make you feed it to the undead on the fence. You could use those little nubs like chopsticks," Negan snarls.

"He can't protect you every second," the Savior whispers to me.

Negan yanks him back by his skullet. "I'm sorry, what was that? I didn't quite catch that last thing you said." Negan makes an example of the man by chaining him alive to the fence, so the surrounding dead can feed on him.

Most women would have dropped their panties right then. Proclaimed their love for this man because he protected them and shit. Not me. Negan is a fucking **hypocrite**. He can call me a slut, but takes this shithead's life because he did? Fuck that. I'm not about that shit. I get a grocery sack and pack my things. Three pairs of stockings, my spare pair of shorts, and the rest of my smokes. I tie the sack so my things don't get ruined by the rain.

"Girls, out," Negan orders them.

I try to hurry out with them.

"Wait just a goddamn minute, RM."

"Fuck you, man, you fucking snake!"

He grabs me by the jaw. "What the fuck was that?"

"You heard me. Go ahead, hit me. I don't give a fuck. If you think I'm going to reward that shit by spreading my legs, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment. Let me go, or get whatever it is you're going to do over with." It's the only time I've seen this man speechless, and it gives me my chance to escape. The thunder is overpowering, with no end in sight when I'm out the front doors. I try to leave, but I can't take another step from under this awning. So I'm in the same fucking position I was earlier. Weak as fuck, and scared as shit. I huddle in the corner in hopes the storm will pass soon so I can get the fuck out of this nightmare. Oh, god… why did he follow me? "You murdered that man!"

"Sorry, but he's dead as fuck. Get over it."

"Fuck you, Negan."

"Look, I ain't about to chase after pussy. Not when I've got women lining up to be in the position that you are. Yet, here I motherfucking stand. You're the coolest pair of tits I've ever met, and you haven't even been here a month. I know how you think, because, whether you want to admit it, we're a lot alike. An apology doesn't mean fuck all for people like us. For whatever reason, that I **don't** want to know, you don't seem to be bothered by being called a whore, but you broke a man's nose for it. Do you see what I'm getting at, RM?"

"My vague illusion of you is shattered."

"You get that line from the tea box the other night?"

"That ain't some fucking line, bitch, it's the truth."

"So how do I unshatter this illusion?"

"You can go fuck yourself."

"Do you wanna watch?"

Ugh. That's hardly punishment. The fucker would probably be on vacation. I guess the only person to be punished here is me. I let my guard down like an idiot and look what happened?

"You were waiting on me, weren't you?"

"Maybe," I murmur against my knees.

"Don't bullshit me. You don't smell like an ashtray, so why the fuck else would you be outside?"

I sit up straight, furrowing my brow. "I came out here and I fucking shouted your name and you were nowhere to be found and I couldn't even see the trucks in this rain and I kept calling for you and the fucking lightning and thunder and fuck you, okay?"

"Jesus Christ, woman, take a goddamn breath!"

I jump when the lightning strikes so close, it makes the hair on my arms stand up.

"Holy fuck! That almost hit me! Did you see that shit?"

I cover my ears from the shaking thunder.

He cocks his head some. "I'll be goddamned. You're scared of this shit, aren't you? Like, piss your panties scared."

"I don't wear panties."

"See? That's what I fucking like about you, RM."

"That I don't wear panties?" I'm not surprised.

"No," he laughs, "I mean, yes, but… bitch, will you just come home?"

"I want restitution! That pretty bottle of vodka the one Savior brought in."

"That skull one?"

"Goddamn right! That thing was classy as shit!" I love skeletons for the record.

"Alright," he shrugs.

That fucker isn't too happy about giving up his vodka, and even more so when Negan places it in my hands.

Now to celebrate. 750ml of elation here we come.

* * *

Friday finally fucking came. I'm practically pulling my skin off.

"Good shit, huh?"

Holy fuck me. I came back to Connor's the following night. Not only did I not remember him fucking me, but Negan wanted to mess around later that night which I don't remember, either. Nor do I really know what the fuck is going on at this exact moment.

"You can sleep here if you want," Negan tells me.

I don't… feel… too… I throw up at the foot of his bed, before slipping on it and passing out.

...

I gasp, then start a coughing fit. What the fuck?

"Jesus fucking Christ, RM. I thought you were fucking dead!"

I'm in the bathtub and Negan is… bathing me?

"I cleaned up the floor." Mother Sherry is already all up in my shit. Inspecting my face. Yeah, she knows I'm fucking high. Stay out of it! "Let me know if you need anything else," Sherry tells Negan, touching his shoulder before leaving us alone.

"You left my stockings on."

"You said you don't want anyone to take them off. Lean your head back so I can get the soap out of your hair."

Things are tense between Negan and me. I'm not really sure why. For all he knows I just don't feel well.

"I set you some clothes out. Wear them."

By clothes he means a fucking g-string and some bullshit underbust bra for tits that I don't even have. "No goddamn way. You gonna put a pair of panties up your ass? I didn't fucking think so-"

"You know where the goddamn door is, RM."

"You'll kick me out over fucking lingerie? Because I-"

"Because I make the fucking rules! Frankly, I've grown a little tired of your mouth. So don't open it unless it's to put my dick in it."

Fucking dumpy shithead.

Negan starts for the door, then looks back at me before he leaves. "If you ever put a needle in your fucking arm, you're gone."

I know he can see the panicked look on my face.

"Do you really think I'm that goddamn stupid?"

Oh, god. Does he know how I got the heroin? I flinch when the bathroom door slams shut. Guess not.

* * *

I'm actually sober today. It's fucking miserable. I've been a good little girl and dodged Connor for the last week to give Negan time to chill the fuck out.

He's rather chipper as he waltzes in the room. "Line up. And it ain't for a shot in the mouth, although you all might reconsider after you see what I have for you in this box."

I slither off the windowsill to take a look. There's some dumb ass book, perfume, and chocolates that get taken.

He pulls out nylons from the box and flashes me a grin.

"Can I just have the box?" I yank it from his grip before he can retort. The metal chairs on the roof burn my ass. This way, I can sit inside the box and smoke without having my ass seared since he won't let me smoke in the parlor. My oasis is often brief, although today it's him who interrupts me.

"RM, I wanna talk to you."

I can't deal with his shit sober. Please go the fuck away. Why isn't he leaving? "Talk?"

"Yeah, you know, like you fucking move your jaw and then I'll move mine"

"Is this like role playing? I'm in trouble and you've come to discipline me. I ain't calling you daddy, that shit is fucking stupid."

"Do I look like your fucking daddy?"

"I dunno, I never met him."

"RM!"

"Jesus Christ, what!?" Now I'm getting fucking pissed off. I've already wasted half this cigarette with this pointless banter.

"Look. I know you're still pissed at me, but you need to get the fuck over it."

"I'm not mad at you, man, now can you move to the right some. Your big ass proves useful for providing shade."

"I got those stockings specifically for you, and you didn't say fuck all. That other shit was just junk I scraped up so the other girls wouldn't be jealous."

I think he's just worried that I'm going to leave him. We haven't fucked since that night I passed out.

"How come you never let me get you anything nice?"

"What, like a velvet painting?"

"Are you being fucking serious? Because I motherfucking am."

That's a first.

"You don't like me, do you?"

On a personal level, no, but he ain't that bad I guess. Better than my last leader, that's for sure. He **is** kinda funny.

"I'm not stupid. I know none of you girls would look at me twice if not for the end of the fucking world. But you're the only one that looks at me like what I'm doing is wrong. If you don't want to fuck, tell me no. There's other positions to be filled."

I award him my dimples because his humor saves his ass once again. "Wanna get in this box with me?"

"I always want in your box."

"I'll scoot over."

"I don't think I'll fit."

I briefly glance down at his arousal. "Nah, you'll fit."

"Fucking hilarious. Who wouldn't fit in your box? Used cunt," he murmurs, stomping back down the side steps.

Good riddance. If I knew insulting his snot rocket would give me peace and quiet I would have done it a long fucking time ago.

* * *

It's Negan's 36th birthday. The girls are getting things ready for some kind of bullshit party. Like I give a Baker's fuck. Birthdays are so fucking stupid.

"RM, little help here?"

"Fuck off, Amber. I didn't so arrogantly offer to throw the goddamn birthday party. I'm watching TV."

Sherry folds her arms displeased. "RM, throw that fucking thing away! It's broken."

"Be quiet, I'm missing the best part." I toss my head back, cackling as loud as I can.

"It doesn't even work! It's not even fucking plugged in. Oh my god!" Sherry grabs me by the cheeks as she studies my face. "I knew it. You're higher than a kite right now!"

"What do you know, Sherry?" I shove her out of the way, and slam the bathroom door behind me. I dig into my denim shorts and pull out my baggie. I've been saving this for a special occasion. That first rail is so fucking good. The door flings open and I give Sherry the middle finger before I snort my second rail, only… it's not Sherry. Oh, damn… he's livid, shouting and shit. I don't even try to wipe the coke from my nose.

"Get out." He refrains from profanity.

"How is shoving coke up my nose any worse than whatever person's blood drips on the floor from that fucking disgusting baseball-"

He strikes me in the mouth with the back of his hand. "Show some fucking respect for Lucille!"

"Was she special to you? Huh?" I start to snicker. "Where's she now? Fucking dead. Probably because of you!" I blink my eyes, and take a step back. Whoa, fuck. The fuck? I fall back into the bathtub as my body starts to convulse. Well. It would appear I'm about to fucking die.

* * *

Fuck. I ain't fucking dead. Nope. Not even close. Maybe a close call. My shit has been packed and set in my box on the edge of the infirmary table. Seems Negan doesn't approve of my drug use. What a judgmental fuckhead. Fuck him, I don't need his goddamn handouts.

"Your room is on level four, second door from the staircase," Carson informs me.

Negan's even taken the luxury of tasking me with my new job.

I ain't no fucking janitor. I'll do what I've always done. Look after me. It's time I go pay Connor and the boys a visit.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N This chapter is really vulgar. Especially, the dialogue between Negan and RM if stuff and thangs like that bother you. I really didn't expect anyone to like this so if you're reading this, thank you.**

* * *

 _ **Scurrilous**_ _(adj.) using or characterized by coarse, vulgar language._

* * *

I'm open for business. Business is good. The best part? I don't even have to deal with Negan. He's making some fucking scene in front of Dwight right now. I don't really know what all happened between those two, but Dwight's wife is actually one of Negan's. Negan likes to make it known all the ways he's going to fuck Sherry. Now, being a former wife, I know that isn't true, but Dwight doesn't. Even across the cafeteria I can see how hurt Dwight is as Negan pulls Sherry up the steps. I use this fucked up situation to my advantage. "Dwight, wait up." I follow him up to his room. I'm not taking no for an answer, and I know exactly what to tell this pathetic sack of shit.

"Connor told me about you. What do you want, and what does that give me in return?"

"What do you have?"

"Nothing you'd want, but I can get you heroin."

"I also want food, and a carton of smokes every week. I'll let you fuck me any time you want."

"No way. Do you know how many points that is, RM?"

"Do it, and I'll even let you call out her name." Dwight is second in command, and I know he's got pull. I didn't need any of the other Saviors. Dwight took care of me. Or rather, my habits. He was really fucked up, but who wouldn't be? I kinda felt bad for him. He'd always apologize to me after we fucked. Truthfully, the sex wasn't even all that bad. I often would wait to use until after we fucked.

"Will you just fucking go? I'm sorry, but I want to be alone."

"Sure. You know where my room is." I can't find my shirt and it's pitch black in here, so I just yank the first thing off the floor. It ends up being one of his.

Negan usually doesn't give me the time of fucking day, but he scoffs when I pass by him. "The fuck are you wearing?"

"Dunno. Lost my shirt in Dwight's room. Just grabbed one of his."

"Did you really fuck Dwight?"

"What's your problem with him? Is it because he's got a bigger dick than you?"

"Shut the fuck up, RM!"

"Shut me up then. I'll let you fuck me for one of them mattresses they're bringing in."

"I don't want anything from you, you druggie whore."

"Oh," I laugh. "Sick burn."

...

I spread out on my new mattress. Turns out, Negan is just as weak as Dwight.

Negan has a seat and starts to put on his boots. "That look you always gave me when we fucked. It's because you were high, wasn't it?"

"Do I really have to answer that?"

"You're going to fucking die. You know that right?"

"Spare me the lecture." I sit up and grab my smokes off the make shift crate end table.

"No smoking in Sanctuary, RM. I ain't gonna fucking tell you that again."

I sigh heavily while throwing back on Dwight's shirt. "Move over, dumpy!" My stocking gets caught in his keys on his hip. I gasp, carefully trying to unravel this mess.

Negan eyes the decent size hole in my stocking on the knee. "Uh... time for a new pair much?"

"These are gently used, like your mother." I toss my head back and start to cackle until I witness the sheer power of Negan.

He digs his fingers into a fist full of hair. "Go ahead and say one more thing about my mother. I motherfucking **dare** you."

"Fuck you, man! Haven't you ever heard of a joke?"

He flings me back, slamming the door behind him.

Jesus Christ, fucking titty baby.

* * *

This is the thing about heroin that damn near killed me the first time. If you're not quick to find your next hit, you get what's known as being dope sick. Goddamn opiates. I feel fucking awful today, but Dwight brings a smile to my face. "Hey."

He quickly unzips his pants.

"Dwight, I don't really feel-"

"Shut up." He drops a few glassine envelopes of heroin next to me. "Sherry saw me come in here." Dwight forces himself in me. It hurts. He's never hurt me, and furthers the abuse by grabbing my throat. "RM," he moans.

I get it. Sherry's probably listening outside. Dwight and I give this fake fucking performance.

He can't even finish he's so fucked up, and sobs against my tits.

I never liked Sherry. Watching this man fall apart, I fucking hate her. This man is so goddamn broken. He wears the scars of infidelity, yet has nothing to show for it. "It's okay," I whisper, running my fingers in his hair.

"Don't fucking touch me! We're done," he snaps.

He's a liar. He'll be back. But I guess for now, I gotta come up with something else.

* * *

Carson is the easiest way to score drugs. I don't even have to do anything. He just wants to play with my tits, or make out. Occasionally, he'd ask if I'd sleep with him. It's fucking weird. He clings to me like a child. It's uncomfortable, and after he falls asleep each night, I quietly slip out.

* * *

Even though he said we were done, a week later, Dwight came crawling back. We actually ended up having a real decent conversation before he passed out. When I wake him up by a sneeze, he ain't happy.

"Why are you still fucking here?"

"Oh," I stammer, rubbing my eyes. "I must have passed out or something." Truthfully, Dwight's been the only person I've enjoyed sleeping next to in years.

"You're nothing but some whore. A distraction from her. Take your goddamn carton of smokes, and get the fuck out."

There's that word again. Whore. What-the-fuck-ever. I try to find some of the other Saviors, but they're all still asleep. Connor's gone at one of the outposts for a few days. Fuck. Guess I'll put my mattress to some use.

...

I'm groggy as fuck when dingus here startles me. "What do you want?" I reach for the twirly thing on my blinds, but I just end up pulling the entire goddamn thing down. "Will you make your big ass useful and fix these bl-"

"Is his dick really bigger than mine?"

"Oh my god," I laugh. "That was like a month ago, and you're still dwelling on that shit? How much have you had to drink?"

Negan takes a step towards me and hiccups.

"Ugh, you're pathetic."

"I'm pathetic? You're whoring your pussy all over Sanctuary!"

"What bothers you more? The fact that I found a loophole in your precious point system, or that I let Dwight empty into me?"

"You bring out all the demons in me I've tried so fucking hard to suppress."

"Fuck you, man. That's on you."

He takes another swig of his whiskey before offering it to me.

"You trying to get me drunk?"

"Yeah, since you gotta be outta your goddamn mind to fuck me."

"Well, while we're trying the honesty thing, I don't think of you anyway."

"Fuck you, RM."

"I'm desensitized to your weak ass insults."

He just stares at me, swaying in place.

"Goddamn, are you really **that** fucking bothered? Sorry I'm not into your hairy body spasming on top of me."

"I didn't know you had standards."

"You don't know fuck all."

"I know it's about to rain, bitch."

"Yeah? You gonna fucking coddle me? You're killing my buzz. Get the fuck out." Now remember that whole bit about me being able to say what the fuck I wanted to him? Yeah, that only applied when I was a wife, because he stuck me outside the doors of Sanctuary and locked this motherfucker. "What-the-Christ-ever," I yell, kicking the door. Shit. Maybe they left the trucks unlocked and I can hide in there until this bitch passes. I hurry across the courtyard, but don't quite make it.

...

"My skin," I shrill, snapping open my eyes. It ain't my only problem. My ear drum is ruptured. "No!" I bring my legs up when the doctor tries to cut my stockings off, what's left of them, anyway. The lightning shredded most of my clothing.

"Don't," Negan tells the doctor. "Leave us." His eyes follow the doctor out of the infirmary before looking back at me. "RM, I'm so fucking sorry."

"I don't want your guilt induced apology. You took my only weakness, and you exploited it. Coming to Sanctuary was the worst mistake of my life, you fucking piece of shit fake motherfucker." I hop down from the table and shuffle from the infirmary.

"Please, wait," he begs.

I wouldn't give him the time of day before, so I don't know why the fuck he thinks I want anything to do with him now.

"Ow," he grunts, when I smash his fingers in my door.

I fling it back open and hold my arms out. "You wanna talk about pain?"

"I'm sor-"

I slam the door in his face. Just the sight of him repulses me, and luckily, he doesn't try to enter my room once the door is closed. I'm not entirely without remorse for him, though. What are the fucking odds I'd be struck by lightning twice in my life? Pain really isn't an issue, either. I know just how to fix that.

* * *

I'm actually given morphine for free. Didn't even have to suck anyone's dick for it, either. That was a bonus. I ain't had this shit in years. It's like your body is being abducted by the weightlessness of it. Well, it's supposed to, but I'm so goddamn immune to the shit, I chase it with more pills and the rest of my whiskey. I get another surprise later that week. "They make these?!"

"They had them at one of those trendy fuck places in the mall."

"What's a mall?"

"What? It's a place to shop," Negan laughs.

"Oh. Well, these never came into the thrift shop." I ease the skeleton stockings up carefully. "They even have the outline on the feet," I giggle, tapping my big toes together. "Thanks, man." I lie back, moving my feet up to get another look at these beauties.

He runs his fingers along my hairline, distracting me. "I can't tell if that feels good, or if you're in pain."

"I'm just really high right now." I doze off in the middle of the sentence, and when I wake up, he's still here. "You don't gotta feel obligated to stay with me."

"I wanted to make sure you woke up."

"It's not your fault what happened to me."

"Come home, RM."

"Home is a seven hundred square foot corrugated box in Flamingo trailer park. This ain't my home, and it sure ain't with you."

"I don't know why I waste my fucking time with you. You're nothing but some loose druggie whore that needs a big dick to even fucking feel anything."

"I provide goods and services for people. Same as you, man. You said it yourself. You think any of your wives would give you the time of fucking day if you didn't grant them immunity from earning points? Fuck no. You know why I don't get upset about being called that shit? Because it's true. I own up to what I am. You're a fucking sheep in wolves clothing. If you died right here, today, I've got news for you, oh great leader. The show would go on. Sanctuary would prevail. Quit ragging on me because of your insecurities. Big fucking deal if Dwight is bigger than you are. You think I get upset at everyone who has a bigger chest than I do? Which is everyone."

"I miss your tits."

"I have no tits. Why do you think I don't wear a bra?"

"The same reason you don't wear panties?"

"Yeah, you got all the answers."

"Let me fuck you."

"Funny, I could have sworn I was too loose just a second ago."

"I'll let you get some things from the supply room."

"Dwight takes care of me now."

"I sure don't fucking see him here," he yells.

"Jesus Christ, what's your deal with him? You have his wife. You want him, too?"

"RM, don't fucking start."

"It's okay if you're into dick. Dwight's hot." I've never seen him leave that fucking fast before. Dunno why he can't admit he likes dick. He's the biggest pussy I've ever seen. "Thanks for the stockings, shithead."

* * *

Dwight's self-esteem was pathetic. "Why do you walk around all mopey and shit, man?"

"What's there to be jovial about? My wife is fucking someone that's not me."

"All this mate for life bullshit is a façade. The sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be."

"You want me to take advice from you?"

"Yeah, what do I fucking know?" I snort another rail off Dwight's windowsill.

"Why do you do that shit? You're a pretty girl and you're fucking it all up with that shit. It looks like you haven't slept in weeks."

I snort and it's not from the coke. "Are you fucking with me, man? A pretty girl?" I toss my head back with another cackle before finishing the last rail. "You're a trip, Dwight."

"RM, your fucking nose!"

Probably forgot to wipe off some- "Oh, fuck." I examine my bloody fingers in disbelief.

"Have a seat."

"Nah, I got this." I rid the blood down the front of my shorts. "Ta Da!"

Dwight runs his fingers in his hair before taking the seat he gestured for me. "I can't do this anymore, RM."

"No, no, please! This happens all the time," I lie. "Don't cut me off."

"You're going to fucking die!"

"It's okay, I'm fine." I gotta derail his concern, and drop to my knees.

He stops me only long enough to remove my shirt. "Yeah, Sherry," he grunts, fisting my blonde hair.

That's it. Yeah, I know just how to coax this my way. He pops from my mouth and I assume my position on top of him. I can't bring myself to call out another name, but I live wistfully through this. Back to my days in the trailer park on his recliner, the left arm ready to snap off without notice. His fingers dig into the upholstery, ripping it further each time I rock against his muscled thighs. Moans are accompanied by smoke leaving his lips. I can almost feel his warm virile chest. Entirely smooth skin that continues down to the hard slab of his belly. Two flawless rows of teeth gritting in pleasure. I hold him by the scruff of his neck because I wouldn't dare disturb his widow's peak so dark it's lost in the room. He's this incredible dominating silhouette of perfection. When he speaks my name, his husky voice is felt in every part of my skin.

"Fuck, you like that?" Dwight's hand on my ass pulls me away from my blissful nostalgia.

Goddammit. It's insulting to be slapped like I need some fucking form of correction. **He'd** never strike me. Even for the sake of some heat of the moment bullshit. A moment that, thankfully, is over.

Dwight hands me my boots. "Don't you ever feel dirty after we're done?"

"No."

"Really? It doesn't bother you when I call out her name?"

"Truthfully, while you're thinking of her, I'm thinking of him."

"Of Negan?"

"Fuck no!"

It makes him laugh. I don't think he's laughed in years. "Who is he?"

"Someone I lost. It doesn't matter. Goodnight." I press my lips to his burns.

"Stop." He shies away.

"Fuck her, Dwight. If she chose Negan over you, fuck her. You're a good man-"

"She's still my wife! Don't ever come near me again, you druggie cunt."

How original. Like I've never heard that one before. Guess I'm back to the Savior boys. Oh, I wonder what Connor is up to tonight? He should be back.

...

Connor gave me enough pills to sedate my happy ass. **Permanently.** I tilt the pill bottle back. There's so many beauties in here, I've lost count. Well, were. I drop the plastic tube on the floor, lighting a cigarette. Fuck Negan. I'll be dead before he realizes I'm smoking. I dig in my pants pocket. I've been saving this gem for a long time and stick the fentanyl patch in my mouth. Truthfully, with fentanyl, I didn't need the pills. Those are just insurance that I never fucking wake up again. After my second cigarette, I'm so goddamn fucked up, I almost catch my mattress on fire.

The door creaks open.

I don't believe my goddamn eyes. My dominating silhouette of perfection!

"RM!?"

Something's wrong. I feel nothing from his words.

The cigarette is taken from my hand, then put out.

"You don't want a drag-"

"RM!" He slaps my face.

"But… you've never struck me before!"

"Did you take this whole goddamn bottle?"

"I would have saved you some. I didn't know you... you…"

"Hey, open your eyes." He gives me a violent jerk.

"Fuck me. Fuck me one last time." When I try to kiss him, he holds me outward by the cheeks.

"RM!"

"Madsen, you're hurting me!"

"What? I'm Negan!"

"What?"

He sticks his fingers in my mouth, fishing out the patch. Then he jams them down my throat as I dry heave.

I don't really remember much after that, and it's only when I wake up in an unfamiliar bed that I get my answer.

Negan has a seat on his bed and sighs. "The doctor said there is no logical way you're alive. Do you know what I watched them do to you?"

...but, Madsen? Where is he? I try to get up, however, Negan restrains me.

"No, let go, I want to see him!"

"Who?"

"Where is he?!"

"RM, that was me in your room! You were hallucinating."

"I know what I saw!"

"You are going to die. You will die if you don't stop this shit!"

"I don't fucking care! Let me go."

"Who's Madsen?"

"Fuck you. Fuck you!"

"I can get you clean, RM. Let me help you!"

"I didn't ask for your fucking help." I stomp hard on his toes, shoving him off me. "Madsen," I call, flinging Negan's door open and hurrying down the steps. I miss the bottom one entirely, landing on the grated metal catwalk and splitting my eyebrow wide open. Holy fuck! The blood in my eye stings, and it won't fucking stop.

Negan squats down, pressing his bandana to my eyebrow.

I hit my head a little too hard as it disorients me, and I realize right quick that my hallucination really wasn't Madsen, but Negan. God, I feel so fucking foolish. Especially, because now this fuck knows about Madsen, and that's no one's fucking business.

"There is only one way out of this, RM. It doesn't have to be like that!"

"I don't care if I die, so why the fuck do you? Get off my fucking tits about this shit!"

"You're going to be fucking raped!"

"Fortunately, that's not your problem."

"You fucking **stupid** bitch!"

"Judgmental fuck face!" I almost have my door closed, but I should know by now he's not that easy to get rid of.

"The doctor gave you six milligrams of narcan for that shit you pulled. **Six** , RM! You're going to work those fucking points off, or you can pack your shit and get the fuck out."

I roll my eyes so fucking hard, and start to unbutton my shorts.

"Your pussy ain't even worth one."

"That's why your hand is always down my shorts."

"You better watch the way you fucking talk to me! I ain't some fuckboy."

"Fine," I murmur.

"Time to pay up, and I got three fucking words for you, RM. Civil asset forfeiture." Negan cleans me the fuck out of all my pills, drugs, and alcohol.

I don't even have a cigarette to my name. Well fucking played, dumpy dickhead.

* * *

"RM?"

I don't recognize the voice and roll over. When I see it's Dwight, I turn back over. "Leave."

He's already sitting on my bed. "Here." He sets some supermarket tabloids on my bed.

Oh, god! I didn't realize Dwight ever listened to me when we'd talk. I love the supermarket tabloids. Especially, when there would be pictures of aliens. "Is oral alright today? I'm-"

"No, that's an apology gift. For treating you like shit, and calling you those names."

Oh? One of those gift things! "Thank you."

"The truth is, RM, I liked being with you, but I'm still in love with Sherry."

"You should be. She's your wife. Don't even sweat me, man. I'm just something warm to spill into."

"No, you're not."

"I enjoyed our time together."

"I did, too, but, I won't contribute to your drug use. You've got a future, don't waste it."

"Whatever. Negan say something to you? I thought maybe you were being genuine."

"I am being genuine. Fuck Negan. If given the chance, I'd kill that motherfucker!"

"You shouldn't harm people, Dwight."

"You've never had to kill anyone?"

"No."

"I killed a man just today. Bolt through the back of his head." Dwight curls up behind me. "Two more after that."

I roll over and let him lay on my chest as I stroke his hair. He ends up falling asleep and I'm not too far behind him until the door opens. I look over to see Negan briefly before he yanks my door closed in anger. "Go back to sleep," I tell Dwight. I'm anything but motherly. Luckily, I can't have children, and I guess I severed that part with it, yet I find myself making sure he's comfortable over myself.

...

When I wake up, Dwight is gone, but that's to be expected. He told me that he can't allow himself to get close to me like he wants to be because his heart is Sherry's. I don't need someone to love me. That's why I love drugs. Drugs have always been there for me. Never called me a whore. Never hurt me. Never let me down.

* * *

I don't even know who this is emptying into me, but he has the drugs, and I've got a lot to make up for. He also gives me three cigarettes. I stumble from his room, a little unsure of where I am. One of the doors I put my hands on ends up opening, taking me with it. "Shit." Would you fucking know I end up in some type of garage? Fuck, I am so goddamn high right now, and dingus here is just staring back at me. I trip twice trying to stand up in these clunky boots I stole.

"Lemme guess... Dwight's boots?"

"Dwight doesn't wear boots. I don't know… I, uh." I sway, grabbing his work bench to get my balance. What the fuck was I saying?

"How high are you?"

"Yes."

"What?" Negan shakes his head in disapproval before he squats back down near his motorcycle and starts to work on it.

I doze off briefly but snap out of it when I end up hitting my head against the corner of the work bench. Well, that's fucking embarrassing. Good thing dumpy here is distracted. What the fuck is he doing? "That's not even the right…" I roll my eyes in annoyance and hand him one of the other tools on his work bench. "Here. You're going to strip that bolt."

"How the fuck do you know about motorcycles?"

"Give me my things back and I'll tell you."

"I'm thinking somewhere along the lines of no-motherfucking-way, and go fuck your-fucking-self."

I straddle the seat of his motorcycle, leaning back on the tank. "She's a beauty. Didn't peg you for the Fat Bob type."

"Now I know what Madsen did for a living."

"Fuck you, man! You don't know fuck all, and if you want to keep all of those pretty teeth, change the goddamn record."

"You have **no** idea who you're threatening."

"I don't give a fuck, but you better believe I'll get in one good swing with that torque wrench before you do anything about it." Fuck this motherfucker!

"Wait. Don't fucking leave."

I sigh and lean back against the tank. Shit. I don't harm people. That ain't who I am. Nor do I threaten people. **Ever**. "I'm sorry, dumpy. That wasn't fucking cool."

"You need to watch the way you speak to me, RM, and show me some motherfucking respect."

"I'm sorry, Sir dumpy." I find myself becoming captivated in those pretty teeth I just threatened. Perhaps it would be a shame to waste that smile.

"You thinking about all the ways you're going to blow me?"

"I never put any thought into blowing you because it's not that hard. And by hard I'm talking about little Negan."

"Yeah, what-the-fuck-ever, bitch."

I hiccup, leaning back farther.

"That's a good motherfucking look on you."

"I'm high as fuck, dingus. Ain't nothing more than my usual one."

"I take all that shit from you, and you **still** find ways to get high."

"What can I say? They love my used pussy."

His eyes gravitate towards my tit. It's completely out of my open side tank top.

I don't really care. I don't even know where I got this shirt. I think it's Connor's.

He fights to look away, but his eyes fixate on my flesh. "You'd look real nice with my cock between your lips right now."

"The only way I'm getting close to your hairy churro is if I can snort coke off it."

He shakes his head, returning to his work.

I don't know why I decided this would be the ideal place to shoot up, but then again, I'm not really in the right state of mind.

"Jesus fucking Christ, you just did that shit before you came in here!"

"So? Did you want me to save some for you? Didn't think so."

"Do you know what that shit does to you?"

"My innards are pickled from all the heroin I've done. I'll last forever, bitch."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever fucking heard."

"Yeah, no fucking shit, dingus!"

"You're killing yourself, RM."

"Look here, douchebumps. We're all a constant state of decay."

"Do you listen to the shit you say? You're so smart. Why do you waste your life with drugs?"

"Intelligence has nothing to do with it. Damn, why does everyone think there's some hidden motive for an addict? 'Oh, my dad molested me, or my mom fucking beat the fuck out of me'. Fuck you, man. Why is it so hard to motherfucking believe that I **like** doing drugs?"

"You are so full of shit. I just hope you have enough common sense to shut the fucking door before you OD and turn into one of those undead fucks."

"My addiction is fine when you know it means you get to stick your dick in me."

"No, RM, don't you dare fucking lump me in with the other Saviors. I have done everything I can to inhibit your drug use. I like your pussy because I like you, bitch, and I offer you things from the supply room because I know you won't fuck me otherwise."

"I don't want fucking toiletries, man. I want drugs."

"Yeah, of course that's what she takes from all that." Negan drops his torque wrench on the ground.

I flinch when the door is slammed behind him. My eyes lock on the wrench. That's an expensive tool, not that money is of any significance anymore. Madsen would have had a fucking heart attack. "Dumpy," I call, chasing after him.

It takes until he's right about to go into the parlor before he acknowledges me. "What?!"

"Well, uh, I was thinking, I mean, I like churros. They're fucking delicious-" Once again, the door startles me. I press my ear so it's flush with the metal.

He doesn't speak to the other girls. Instead, he just goes right to his room.

Oh, damn, RM. I think you fucked this one up...


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N I've always seen comic Negan at about 6 foot 7ish. He's 6 foot 8 in this story, and RM is 4 foot 10, so there's quite a substantial height difference between the two.**

* * *

 **Brontide** (n.) the low rumble of distant thunder.

* * *

It took me all night to fix the fucking thing but by trial and error I fucking finally get this bitch to start up. Wow. I can't believe I fucking did it! Especially, because I always spent more time looking at Madsen's ass than paying attention to what he was doing. I celebrate by moonwalking across this motherfucker, then tug at the crotch of my shorts. "Hee hee!" Damn, I'm getting the sweats, and it ain't from busting a move. Every day is a fight to find more drugs. I need to get a constant supply. "Oh, shit, dingus! You scared the fuck out of me!" Goddammit. I didn't want him to know that I was the one that fixed the fucking thing. Most men don't like it when you know more than they do. However, maybe I spoke too soon. This is another time I've rendered him speechless. "It just needed a few things here and there, you know. Little shit."

The corner of his lip tugs upward at the Fat Bob, like he's living a happier time. Then he kills the bike, just like the memory. "You been here all night?"

"Yeah. Well, kinda. I took three smoke breaks. **Outside** before you get butthurt."

"I'm real motherfucking proud of you, RM."

"Uh," I flush, "you… you are?" I never really had anything to be proud of before. Sure as fuck ain't had someone proud of me. "I was a real fucking jerk last night."

"Yeah, you were, but I like you bitchy."

My eyebrows knit in a frown. Shit. I've gone way too long without using.

"What's wrong?" He helps me have a seat, wiping the sweat from my brow.

"I gotta go, man."

"Take a shit?"

"No." Well, yes, if I don't find something I'll need to. I try and move him out of the way, but dumpy isn't budging.

He's so fucking disappointed when he realizes I'm trying to leave to find my next hit. "What if you fucking OD and there's no one to find you?"

"Well, guess I better shut the fucking door, right?"

This is more than Negan being on my tits about this shit. It's like he wants to say something, but can't get the words out.

Every minute he keeps me here, the sicker I'm becoming. My fucking bones ache. It's so fucking painful. "I'm sorry," I murmur, slipping past him. The pathetic truth is that I'm not sorry. That's the price you pay when you care for someone that uses. They will always put the drugs before you.

* * *

"No, stop." I try and shove the person off, but they're too strong. "Okay, but leave my stockings on."

"RM, it's me."

I flutter my eyes open. "Dingus?"

"I see you found your boots." Negan swipes my shoelace from the bed and starts to lace my boot back up.

"I'm just going to take it out when I shoot up again." I laugh when he triple knots it, though it fades when I catch a glimpse at his bloody face. Maybe I understand a little bit of what he feels, because just like he hates when I use, I hate that he's killed before, and that he **keeps** killing. "Dead or living?"

"Living. Maybe in his early twenties."

"Why?"

"Just the luck of the draw."

Lucille still clings to the victim's innards.

"Are you okay?"

"My Saviors are okay. That's all that matters."

"Bullshit. I asked if **you're** okay. How you feel-"

"I don't feel anymore. I don't feel sad… I don't feel scared… I don't feel happy. I'm just… here. I don't feel bad about it. I don't think about it. It just is what it is."

"What's that?"

" **Survival**."

I tug at his bandana tied around his bicep to rid the blood from his cheeks. What I can that is. A lot of it's dried by now.

"Don't."

"It's no big deal."

He stills my wrist. "It is to me." The bandana is taken away and stuffed in his pocket. "Are you, uh… still dope sick?"

"How do you know that?"

"Answer my goddamn question."

"I'm fine." For now.

"I got you something. You know, for fixing my bike and shit."

I hardly doubt he has anything that would be of interest to me. Then again, he did get me those skeleton stockings.

"Dwight said you had a thing for aliens?"

"I fucking love aliens!"

"Yeah, you would." He moves his hand inside his jacket pocket and gives me a white shirt.

I almost laugh at how small the fucking thing is in comparison to him. Damn, I bet he could probably fit me in that fucking jacket pocket. My eyes widen in approval at the shirt. It has a Martian on it from this movie I used to watch. "Oh my god, dingus! This is the best gift thing ever," I shrill. I toss my current shirt to the floor and put this beauty on.

"Thanks for the boner."

"No fooling? This is really for me?"

"It's not my size. I think there's something on it though."

"Where?"

His fingers brush over my nipple. "Wait, I almost got it."

"Stop it!"

"Well," he pouts. "It's your fault. Changing in front of me and shit. Now look what I gotta deal with."

"It's a good thing you replaced me, isn't it?"

"I told you there are women lining up to be in the position you are."

"Guess you gotta lot of holes to fill then. You should probably be on your way."

"I'd rather fill your hole."

"You know what I want in return."

"I found another one of them skull bottles of vodka."

"Get the fuck out of here."

"I'll drink it with you. I bet by the end of that bottle you'll be begging me to fill your hole."

Whatever, but let him think that. Free booze. "Get on with it!"

"Told you you'd be begging me to fuck you."

Ugh, gross.

...

As the night goes on, I start to wonder if he's going to come back with my bottle. Maybe he meant for me to come to the parlor? I get my answer where he is, and also get to meet wife number five. Turns out, my replacement is a bigger nympho than he is. The things that came out of her mouth while she fucked him even made me blush. Damn, rejected by Negan. There must be something really wrong with me for him not to give me the time of fucking day. I'm caught when his eyes lock on mine. I pull my gift off and fling it to the floor. It's a shame he didn't give me that bottle of vodka. That would have made a better projectile. "Stupid cunt," I hiss at him, slamming the door to that depraved world. I have no problem finding drugs without a shirt on. I made my rounds like a fucking carousel. Heh, get it? A **fucking** carousel. Damn, I'm a funny bitch.

* * *

I wake up completely naked in my bed. Okay, let me say that again. I wake up **completely** naked in my bed. "My beauties!" Oh, no! Where did they go?

"RM, what happened?" Negan kneels beside my bed, covering me with a blanket.

"You motherfucker!"

"I didn't fucking do this! Do you know how long I spent looking for you?"

There are bigger issues here than the two of us. "I want my beauties!"

"Who did you fuck last night?"

"Who didn't I fuck last night…"

Negan pulls a pair of stockings from my box.

"No, I want my star ones," I whine. "Where are they?! Those are my favorite fucking…" I suck in a breath, choking on it. Don't you fucking cry like some broke bitch over this, RM. I claw at the sides of my head and let out a whimper.

Negan doesn't stick around, and I'm grateful for it.

Get it the fuck together, RM. Think. What happened last night? My concentration is interrupted when a man is shoved into my room.

"Oh, come on, Negan! I found her drugged out of her goddamn mind. She didn't struggle or nothing!"

"Did you rape this woman?"

"She's a whore!"

Negan's hand wraps around this motherfuckers throat, lifting the man up off the ground. "Did she say you could fuck her?"

He shakes his head no, unable to speak.

"So, you raped her. You remember **my** rules, right?" He shakes him like a ragdoll. "Right? This is **inexcusable** , you fuck!"

I know what Negan plans to do with this man. The punishment for rape in Sanctuary is death. I'm just grateful he takes him from my room so I don't have to witness it. I hide my face in my hands. I've never been around death like this. Constant death. At least, in the parlor, I was naïve to it. Down here in the belly of Sanctuary, death is very much a real thing. I caused this man's death because I can't keep my legs shut. It feels fucking horrible and turns my stomach.

Negan's white shirt might as well have come in red.

"You shouldn't have had to kill him because of me!"

"Regardless of your reputation and what you wear, it doesn't give anyone the right to touch you if you don't let them. That's rape, RM. That is the reason I tied him to the fence with his entrails. Not because of you. You don't make the rules. I do." He hands over my beauties. "Stick with Dwight, RM. At least I'll get a certain satisfaction if I get to pull his entrails out."

I don't get a chance to respond that we're not together before I'm left alone. I tuck my beauties away in my arms before curling up on the mattress.

* * *

"Eww, please stop, man," I tell the trash squirrel that's grown quite fond of me when I come outside to smoke. I brush its hair from these stockings as it startles it and runs back over the fence.

"Who are you talking to?"

I roll my eyes at dumpy here, hoping he'll go away but it's never that easy. "Where's your scepter, my Lord?"

"I told you to show Lucille some fucking respect. Didn't we just have a talk about respect?"

"Look. This whole thing is fucking weird to me. You've got people kneeling when you walk in the goddamn door like you're some kind of deity."

"I never asked they do that. If it gives them the illusion of safety, so fucking be it-" Negan reaches for his knife.

I laugh at his concern over the small animal. "It's just a trash squirrel."

He shakes his head, sheathing his knife. "RM, that's a fucking cat."

"You just always gotta be right, huh, dingus?"

"And you just always gotta have the last word, huh, bitch?" He sighs, starting for the door.

"Thank you for getting my beauties back."

"How come you're not wearing them?"

I point to them drying on the chain link fence. "I had to wash them after that pervert had his hands on them." For whatever reason that I don't understand, Negan takes what happened to me on a personal level.

He gives me little choice in the matter and has a seat next to me. "Here." He sets the Martian shirt on my lap.

"You owe me a bottle of vodka, too."

He leaves in a mad rush.

I thought it was because he had diarrhea or something, but after an hour I realize he's not coming back. I think he feels somewhat responsible, like maybe if he hadn't of fucked that wife he could have been with me and that Savior wouldn't have touched me. I don't understand it, because it's really no big deal to me. I'm just pissed someone touched my beauties. Oh, speaking of, they look dry now. When I return to my room, I notice the skull vodka on my end table.

Connor has something for me, as well.

It's going to be a good night.

* * *

I've been blowing this Savior Seth for food since Dwight is all high and fucking mighty about being faithful now. I like Seth. He's funny. He's into government conspiracies and shit. Alien abductions and that kind of thing. Later that week, I wait for him like usual, but he doesn't show up. Figures. The one morning I'm actually hungry. Maybe someone won't eat their food and I can have the rest. It's too early for most people to even be awake. Shit. Negan is really harsh on those that steal, so that's out. Not that I have standards of whose dick I'm going to suck, but none of these other Saviors look like they've seen a shower in weeks. I need to leave, because that food smells so good.

Negan slams his tray down. Food is actually spilling off of it. "Last I checked, you don't have any points for food. No one to jerk off this morning?"

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I'm desperate. "I'll jerk you off for a piece of that grayish meat."

"Nope. Sorry. Dumb and dumber already helped me blow my load."

"Shit," I mumble.

"Thought you had Dwight."

"We're done."

Negan notices my black eye. "Did he fucking put his hands on you?"

I really don't even know where it came from. Maybe that goddamn catwalk I fell on. Probably that guy that Negan killed. A lot of the Saviors are actually pretty violent in bed. Well, more like the hard cold floor.

"Where are you going?"

"Back to bed."

"Sit down, before I gotta hear you bitch about wasting your gloves."

I heave a heavy sigh, plopping back down.

"So," he starts, shoving an entire piece of congealed meat into his wide-open trap.

Gross. Maybe I'm not hungry after all. I can't even understand what he says after that until he finally swallows.

"I don't pay for used pussy, but, lucky for you, I'll make you a deal."

What a fucking idiot. He wants to insult me, yet he's always trying to fuck me. "I already gave you an offer. Handjob for some food."

"I want a lap dance."

"Right here? Okay."

"No. Tonight. Come up to my room."

"To your room? For a piece of armpit meat?"

"How do I know you can even shake your tits?"

"I don't have any tits." I don't really have much of a choice, and knowing him, he's going to want more than a dance. "Okay. Breakfast, dinner, and I want some whiskey."

"No goddamn way."

"I'll give you anal." I pluck the other sweaty slab from his tray.

He rips it back. "Go get your own goddamn food."

"So we have a deal?"

"If you let dumb or dumber join us."

"Fuck you, I'd rather starve. You're a real fucking prick, you know that? I told you I don't play that shit."

"Jesus Christ, calm your tits. I thought I'd at least try my luck."

"I'm outta here."

"RM!"

This motherfucker pulls me across the table and makes me sit next to him.

"See, isn't this nice?" Negan snaps his fingers at one of the girls in the kitchen.

I find it so fucking rude. Of course, just him breathing I find rude. When she brings that tray, it's the familiar feeling of being his wife. Of never going hungry. Of actually being too full.

"Well, am I finally going to get to see you eat pussy?"

"Fuck no, I ain't going down on some girl's sausage wallet."

"Sausage wallet?" He bellows out a laugh. "Goddamn, bitch. You're fucking funny."

"It ain't a joke, dingus. I'm fucking serious."

"Fine. Fine. But if you ain't gonna let them join us, I want something else other than some lap dance. You're going to stay with me for the night because I know how much you hate it."

"I don't hate it, I just hate it with you. You're too dumpy and it's uncomfortable to sleep next to. What? Did I hurt your feelings? Why are you fucking looking at me like that?"

Negan slams his fist so hard on the table, it cracks.

I snap my eyes shut and wait for him to hit me. Not that I think he would, but I guess it's just to be expected at this point. I know that I push his buttons, but it's so goddamn easy to. I peer open one eye only to find that he's gone. His food is still on the table, so I quickly gather it all up and take it back to my room. After his tantrum, I'm not sure if I'm getting dinner. Honestly, he probably should have kicked me out by now. I just don't care about anything when I'm sober, and my goddamn mouth is on autopilot. Being sober is fucking awful. My fucking hands shake, my head hurts, my nose bleeds are coming back. I'm dizzy, I'm nauseous. I stuff myself full and feel even more like shit.

"Hey, sorry. I kinda passed out," Seth says.

I couldn't be any more irritated.

"You already got something to eat?"

"Yeah, man. I thought you weren't going to show."

"Well… here."

"Will you do it?" I gesture my arm out at him. Oh. My eyes widen. Yeah. Fuck me.

...

"Hey," Negan yells again.

Shit. How long have I been passed out for? Jesus Christ, he's already taken the liberty of bringing me up to his room.

"Here. Put this on. Now." In his fingers dangle some white frilly lace bra thing.

"Seriously? Lace? This shit is hoity toity as-"

"RM, shut the fuck up, put that shit on, and dance, or you're motherfucking gone."

"Alright, my Lord. There. Happy? Looks real fucking stupid with my beauties."

"Put these on, too."

Ugh. They're white stockings. I **hate** white stockings. Fuck me, I look like some high-end escort. As I sway my hips in front of dingus, I start to piece shit together. This Lucille bat. I wonder if Lucille was his wife. Maybe she was a stripper? Maybe that's why he wants me to cuddle, to get that nostalgic feeling again. He hasn't let go of the thing all night. The wire has even pricked him a few times, but he doesn't seem to mind.

"Where'd you learn to shake your little titties like this?"

He wants to talk now? Awkward. "I was raised in a strip club." I thought that he was going to blow his load this way as he strokes it while watching me dance, but I'm wrong.

"Go to the bed."

I rip the crotch of these stockings before getting on all fours, but he flips me on my back. His lips on my skin is as uncomfortable as his harsh and uneven hot breath. Thankfully, it doesn't last very long. I have no doubt in my mind he's thinking of someone else, because he shuts off every oil lamp in the room. When we fuck missionary style, I'm certain it's Lucille because he's easing in and out of me slow, kissing my neck and shit. I kinda feel bad for this fucker. Maybe this is around the time she died?

He takes my hand, placing it on his back.

At least that's the one place that isn't hairy. There's a callous spot on his smooth skin. The scar is probably from some type of bullet wound. Damn, he's got a rather broad back. Ew, what the fuck, RM?

His movements start to become awkward. Negan sighs and stills his hips. He's gone limp.

Okay, now it's awkward. "Do you want me to leave?"

"You do what you want regardless of what I say." His bedroom door slams behind him.

When I turn up his oil lamp, I notice Lucille isn't on his couch. Yeah. Now I'm convinced it has to do with her. Whoever this chick is, she's fucked him up because you know it's bad when he doesn't have a chubby. The bathroom door is closed when I tiptoe out into the parlor. I could have left if I wanted to, but I don't. Like he'd answer if I knock, so I let myself in.

He's not even embarrassed I've walked in on him jerking it, holding Lucille in the other hand. He heaves another heavy breath and braces the countertop instead. He's still flaccid. "Just go."

"I do what I want, right?"

"Please." The words get caught in his throat as he hangs his head.

What? We're really not going to bitch back and forth at each other? But... I don't like him like this! "Don't be sad, dumpy..." I don't even know if I'm doing this hug shit right, but I throw my arms around him. He's almost two feet taller than I am, yet I'm trying my best to seem somewhat comforting to the giant fuck. I thought he'd push me away, but he doesn't.

He buttons his pants up, then sets me on the counter.

Guess I wasn't all that comforting…

"Why do you call me dumpy? Do you even know the definition of dumpy? Because it's a short motherfucker."

"You know, man, because you're like a," I roll my shoulders forward, "like a dump."

He just shakes his head side to side.

"You, of all motherfucking people, are going to question what comes out of **my** mouth?

He's not buying it.

"Fine. It's a nickname for your hairy churro if you **must** know."

His laugh fills the room. "Because I'm stubby?"

"Exactly," I grin.

Negan takes my arms and turns them over.

There are so many bruises and track marks. Ugh. Right as we were starting to have a good time. I figured he'd give me his usual you're going to diespeech, but he just rubs his thumbs over my veins in the crooks of my elbows.

"Bitch, will you come home?"

"You can't accept my drug use."

"RM, what kind of a fucking person would?"

"Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. Look, man, I don't need a goddamn lecture on how I'm fucking my life up. Can I get out of this stupid fucking lingerie, or what?"

"Yeah, it's way too fucking classy for you anyhow. Doesn't have semen or blood on them."

He thinks he's pushing my buttons, but I couldn't care less what he thinks. I thought I'd have a second to myself to change once I get back to his room, but he follows right behind me. "Can you like… look away?"

"Nah, now that I know it bothers you." He leans back on the bed, his arms behind his head.

Idiot. Whatever. I'm very meticulous the way I put my beauties on, and he finds it fucking hilarious.

"I count at least six holes in those, not including the one in the crotch."

"Well, I ain't trying to add more."

"I think it's time for a new pair."

"There's no goddamn way I'm getting rid of these beauties. Shut up."

"RM, you're a strange broad. You know that? I mean, that's coming from me."

I hop up on his bed and smack his hand away when he starts rubbing on my beauties. " **Don't**. I don't like my beauties to be touched."

"Do you care for anything as much as you do these nylons?"

" **No**." Well Chonsey. I care for Chonsey.

"Where are the ones I got you?"

"I wiped my ass with them when you pissed me off."

"Which time?"

"Good point."

"Did you really?"

"No. Are you going to fuck me, or can I leave?"

"Sorry, you're just not doing it for me."

"Whatever, bitch. Apparently, Lucille isn't, either."

"RM, do not fucking push it."

"I ain't trying to fight with you. I thought my attempt at giving you affection showed that."

"Attempt at affection? You mean that hug?"

"Yeah, the hug thing."

He cocks his head to the side some. "Your mom didn't hug you?"

"Why would she touch me? That's weird."

"What? You fucking with me? Never mind, don't answer that. You said you grew up in the titty bar. That mean your mom was a stripper?"

"Duh. You think they were running some kinda daycare? I can see that sign now. Titties and toddlers."

He pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "What'd your mom think of your drug use?"

"Are you kidding me? She was a bigger cokehead than I was. Where do you think I got the drugs?" I cross my arms over my chest. "I hated seeing her dance because it was like looking into some pathetic crystal ball showcasing my dismal future. Guess it would have been if not for the dead eating people. Though, here I am. Fucking you for points. It's not much better." I realize what I've said as it leaves my lips and while I don't care about his feelings, I didn't mean to be so crass. "Sorry, I didn't mean that like it sounds."

"You never would have been a wife if I had known you were trading shit in the supply room for drugs."

"I kinda got that impression when you kicked me out."

"Were you ever sober when we fucked?"

"No, thank Christ."

"What the shit does that mean?"

"I told you, dingus. I'm not into you." Which is odd. He looks **exactly** like Madsen. Even down to their butthole chin. Goddamn, it's so fucking unsettling at times. Especially when it's dark like this. I'm kinda glad Negan doesn't smoke. The resemblance is too uncanny as is.

"Fuck you, bitch."

"What? I'm sorry, you'll have to speak into my good ear. You know, the one that's not ruptured since someone decided to kick me outside during a goddamn thunderstorm."

"I said I'm going to fuck you."

"Yeah? You gonna rub your soggy eggroll on me?" Now, I'm motherfucking sure the only reason he fucked me is because he was trying to defend his manhood and prove he was a good lay. It still doesn't change my mind, and the sound of his balls slapping against me is giving me a headache. Hasn't it been four minutes already? Fuck, it's so hot in here. I hate this position. It's degrading. He keeps smacking my ass every time he slams into me from behind.

His hips stiffen and he lets out a grunt.

Thank fuck. Though where one nightmare stops, another one starts because he scoots me right against him.

"This is nice, huh, bitch?"

"Your sweaty skin is making me uncomfortable."

He reaches between his legs, then rubs his ball sweat across my tits.

"Ugh, come on, dumpy!"

"I'll lick it off if you want."

"I don't want your tongue on me. I want you to close your mouth so I can fall asleep and this nightmare ends."

"Ugh, fine, fuck." He shoves me off the bed, then starts to put on his pants.

I don't know why I said it, but I guess I felt like he had a right to know. "Negan?"

"Did you just call me by my actual name?"

Well… here goes. "I fucked Connor while we were together. At least ten times or so."

" **You what**?!"

Oh, shit, he's pissed. "He had heroin. I'm weak, what can I say?" I shrug.

"You stupid druggie cunt."

"Yeah, yeah, I- ow," I yelp when he latches onto the scruff of my neck.

"Walk," he barks.

"Oh, fuck, man, I'm sorry, don't fucking burn me, please," I beg. "I thought you'd appreciate my honesty! I thought I was doing right!" There were times my feet didn't even touch the ground. What I thought would be public humiliation, turned out to be me thrown against the floor of my room.

"Pack your shit, and get the fuck out. If you aren't gone by sun up, I'm going to assume you want that threesome after all. Only it won't be with dumb and dumber, it'll be with Lucille."

Fucking idiot. He's going to need Lucille to put me down after I overdose. I don't give a fuck what I have to do for it either, and find a few Saviors playing ping pong. I know these types. These are the kind my mom used to bring home. I'm taken back to one of their rooms. It's a fucking drug buffet. "I don't care, whatever you guys want." Hands are already all over me before I can snort my first rail. This shit is so goddamn good. Fuck, that wasn't cocaine. "No, my stockings stay on."

"What do you care? You're drugged out of your goddamn mind. Hold her down in case she changes her mind."

"Don't hold me down! I ain't some fucking-" I'm taken to the ground, unable to move from the weight of one of the Saviors. Lucky for me, that last hit was just what I needed.

...

I have passed out before, but never like this. I wake up with the worst goddamn migraine, but that's not my only problem. "The... the fuck?" I've been shackled to a metal u pipe in the concrete floor in Negan's bedroom.

Negan is hovering over me. "Do you know those men would have raped you if it hadn't have been for me?"

"Big deal. Do you want a fucking parade?"

"You think it's fucking funny? You think this is a goddamn game? Laugh it up, you druggie fuck."

"You can't keep me here!"

"I can do whatever the fuck I want."

"Help," I scream, pulling on the handcuffs.

Negan opens his door. "Anyone in there hear anything?"

"Not me," Sherry responds.

"I didn't hear anything," Amber smiles.

Negan slams his door shut. "I hear the sound of a shit storm coming your way. You're in for a serious fucking wake up call, bitch."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N The beginning of this chapter is going to be a little gross while RM goes through the detox process. If you read Stigmatic, I'll update it soon. I swear. Give me at least another week or so.**

* * *

 _ **Sciamachy**_ _(n.) a battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your shadow._

* * *

"Please, I'll suck your dick. I'll let you do whatever you want to me, just one-"

"No goddamn way."

"I fucking hate you! Who the fuck do you think you fucking are?!"

"The one with the drugs."

"Where are you fucking going? Answer me! Fuck you," I scream, chucking the water bottle at the closing door behind him.

He's gone for-fucking-ever, and when he comes back he's got that goofy look on his face. "The fuck, woman? You look like shit."

"I'm sober and I'm dying."

"It's only been six hours, RM. Get some sleep."

"You know you want it." I start fingering myself.

"Too bad for you I already blew my load. Have fun playing DJ."

Whatever. He'll let me go after a few hours. Okay. Play it cool, RM. Play it fucking cool.

...

"Stop it," Negan yells from under his pillows.

"Fuck you, dickhead." I've been scratching so hard for the last few hours, I've drawn blood, but there's no relief from this feeling. "Fuck! Please!"

"No! Now go the fuck to sleep."

When that doesn't work, I throw myself dramatically against the floor and start beating on the wall with my feet.

Now he's had enough. Good. It took a little longer than I thought, but what-the-Christ-ever. I gesture my arm up some so he can release me from the handcuffs.

He walks right past me with several pillows tucked under his arm.

"No," I beg, the door rendering my yells useless when it slams. Fuck!

* * *

I feel like I'm exorcising a fucking demon as I vomit all over his floor. "I told you I was fucking dying. I just coughed up my kidney!"

"You've got two. You're fine."

"You think this is funny? Fuck you! Do you have any idea the pain I'm fucking in right now?"

"I do not feel fucking sorry for you. No one forced you to put that goddamn needle in your arm, or swallow those pills. Who fucking eats fentanyl patches? What the fuck is wrong with you!?"

I dry heave, throwing up once more. "Please," I whine, stretching out against the warm concrete.

"Knock this the fuck off. The doctor will be in here in a little bit."

I sift through my vomit to see if there's any pills that haven't been digested.

"What did I fucking tell you!?"

"Go fuck your-fucking-self, you fucking fuck!"

"Don't fucking turn me on right now!"

"Yeah? You wanna fuck me?" I scream until I've gone hoarse when he leaves me alone.

...

"I don't know who you are," I groan, pushing the man off me.

"How long have you been using for?"

"Get the fuck out of my face."

"You have track marks on your neck. Are you shooting up on your legs, too?"

"Don't touch my beauties! Negan!"

"Calm your tits, bitch. I'm right here."

"Get this pervert off me!"

"He's the doctor, RM. Chill the fuck out."

"I don't want him! I want you!"

Negan sighs, holding out his hand as the doctor gives him something. "I got it from here."

I narrow my eyes at the doctor until he's left. "The fuck, man? You let him touch my stockings!"

"It wasn't like he was taking them off to stick his finger up your ass or anything, but I'd be more than happy to examine your-" Negan grabs his crotch, lowering his head. "Go… ddam… mit, R… M."

"Looks like you're gonna need a prostate exam."

"I fucking deserved that, but fuck you!" He pours what the doctor gave him into a small cup.

"What the shit is this? It looks like alien semen."

"Methadone. Drink it."

I snarl my lip, then slam it back.

"Now get some sleep."

"Wait! Aren't you going to clean up this vomit?"

"Fuck no."

"Well," I whine. "Can I at least have a shower?"

"Sorry. You've lost all your privileges."

"This is inhumane! I gotta shit in a bucket and sleep in my own vomit?"

"Shoulda used the bucket to puke in."

"You're fucking hilarious. A goddamn comedian! How about I fling my bucket towards your bed, huh?"

"Fucking try it, RM, and it won't be just your vomit you sleep in. Now go the fuck to sleep, or I swear to fuck on floozy, I'm going to make shit real fucking miserable for you, bitch."

* * *

"Hey," I scream at Negan, stamping my foot. "I need that alien jizz stuff."

"Fuck you, RM. I'm sleeping."

"Well, fuck-a-doodle-doo, bitch, and wake the shit up!" Every fucking six hours it was like some new ache or bodily function issue. I've got dried snot all up and down my arms because now my goddamn nose won't stop running, and my asshole is raw because I can't stop shitting. I rub my hands together as he gets my medicine. The container slips right through my fingers. "What?! Gimmie!"

"Here's what's going to happen. You want this? You're going to work for it. Go dump your bucket, then you come back in here and clean up this vomit. If you do all that, I'll let you shower, but one fucking groan or if you even try and flee, back in your vomit you go."

Fuck! I hate not getting the last word in! I give him the most fake bullshit smile I can muster, then start my task. It takes fucking forever, and I get the feeling he's not the only one enjoying my misery.

Sherry has a smug grin across her face.

After everything is to Negan's liking, I get to brush my teeth.

"Sherry is going to stay in here with you while you shower."

"No goddamn way. I don't want her staring at my tits!"

"I thought you didn't have tits."

I open the bathroom door and start for his room.

"RM, get back here."

I cuff myself and have a seat on the floor.

"Really? Okay, your loss."

How is that my loss? Having someone watch you while you bathe? Sherry is probably itching for the moment she can get some alone time with me so she can strangle me for fucking Dwight. Speaking of itching, I'm about to rip my skin off.

"Are you crying?"

"What?" I snicker at his observation. "I don't fucking cry, dingus. Between this goddamn runny nose and my eyes watering, I'm about to pull my sinuses out."

"Look, it's only been a few days, but I promise you the first week is the hardest. After that, it's going to get easier."

"What do you know," I murmur.

"I know I don't trust you to shower by yourself, so if you want one it's going to have to be with one of the girls watching you. There's no goddamn telling what you have hidden in that bathroom. I'm still finding shit in the parlor."

"Let's go down the list. Sherry I know is waiting for the chance to jump me for fucking Dwight. Amber will drown me for threatening her dog. And your nympho wife would try to fuck me. My best bet is dumb and dumber only they're too stupid to keep watch, and probably let Sherry slip by."

"No one is going to hurt you. Though I wouldn't mind watching you fuck-"

"Stop. I don't find that shit funny. Just leave me alone. Please, Negan."

"Never thought I wouldn't like the sound of my own name."

I curl up in the fetal position on my blanket. After several attempts to get me to talk, Negan finally gets the message and leaves. If I sleep, I wake up from the nightmares. If I'm awake, I'm in a nightmare. I only thought I was in pain, because the next two days are so goddamn miserable. There's nothing to silence these racing thoughts. What's the point of fucking living if you're sober? This sucks.

* * *

"No, stop," I beg, tugging the blanket.

"RM, it's me, what are you doing?"

I cough, moving the blanket back over me.

He snakes his hand inside my cocoon, touching my face. "Jesus Christ, you're burning up."

I know his first instinct is thinking I'm dope sick, because he checks my arm. "Man, stop, I'm clean."

"You're a junkie, RM. Lying is what you know to get what you want."

"How am I ever supposed to have a future if you want to keep throwing the past in my face?" I start another coughing fit and roll over on my side. My fingers are so fucking cold. It's like he hears my inner thoughts. I rub my wrist when he undoes the handcuffs.

"Get up, RM."

"No, leave me alone." I thought he really left until he comes back several minutes later.

"Come on." He's practically dragging me.

Oh, a bath. I slither in the tub, clothes still on.

"I'll be back in a few minutes."

The cool water feels nice, even though I'm freezing my ass off. I strip down to my stockings. Much better. Negan pokes his head in every once in a while because he knows there's enough hidden drugs in here to get me fucked up, but I can't move. I don't wanna. I'm almost at this one week hump, and now I'm two steps back with this shit. Suppose I could wash my hair before the warden comes back. Even after I'm clean, I still stink. Gross. Have I always smelled like this?

"Are you almost don-"

"Dumpy, will you smell my hair?"

"The fuck for?"

"Please. Something isn't right."

"Smells fine."

"Are you sure?"

"RM, think about it. You're coming off all that shit. Things are going to be a little fucking out of whack for a while, if you didn't do permanent damage to your nose or god knows what else."

I yank the plug from the tub as I watch the grime spin down the drain. Heh, a little dirt tornado like we used to get sometimes in the trailer park.

"Come on." Negan holds the towel out.

I slither out of the tub the same way I went in it. "Just leave me, man. Save yourself."

Negan loses this tough guy bullshit façade and starts to chuckle. He surprises me further by playing along with me like we're on some battlefield using the lounges as cover and jumping over tables.

His wives thought we had all lost our goddamn mind.

He grabs my chest with both hands. "I've got you!"

I tighten my grip on his balls. "Dumpy, we gotta amputate!"

Nympho wife shakes her head in disapproval. "What the fuck is wrong with you two?"

Negan flings his door shut, setting me on my pallet. He starts to cuff my hand, but moves his eyes to meet mine. "What the fuck was that?"

"I dunno. I had fun though."

He pokes one of my dimples and smirks. "Why don't you sleep with me tonight?"

"Further my suffering."

"Come on, bitch. I'm not asking you to suck on my churro."

"Yet."

"Heh, good point. Night, stinky."

"What? You said I didn't stink!"

"Relax, I'm just giving you shit. I'll be back later to check on you."

No he won't, but that's okay. I've never had anyone take care of me before, so why start now? Okay, maybe that's a lie. Madsen always took care of me. Even when I didn't ask him to. For, whatever reason, he loved the fuck out of me. Whatever. None of that matters anymore.

* * *

Negan stretches out on my pallet.

I try to fake being asleep, but what does this motherfucker do?

He pinches my nostrils shut. "You ain't fucking asleep, bitch."

"Ugh," I slap his wrist away. "Hands off!"

"Do you know what today is?"

"No, but I know the faster I play along, the faster I'll get rid of you."

"Yeah, we'll see how nice you are to me once you see what I got."

Well, at least it ain't some bullshit lingerie if he's reaching into his pants pocket.

The metal clinks together. "Open your hand." He drops four coins in them.

"Sweet, Barbara!" I push myself up by my arm. "Holy dicks!" There's a penny, dime, quarter, and silver dollar, except they've been altered. The faces of historical figures have been replaced with skeleton heads.

"I know this ain't exactly how they do it, but I wanted to give you something for all your hard work. You can keep the penny, but I'm taking the others back. The penny is because you stayed sober a week. The dime is for a month. The quarter for six months, and the silver dollar for a year."

"Figures. The one I like the best would be the silver dollar." These are actually the coolest things I've ever seen in my life. "Thanks, dumpy."

"You're going to fucking beat this, okay?"

"Some days it doesn't feel like it."

"Just remember what you have to look forward to." He points to the silver dollar before taking them from my hands.

"When are you going to give me my things in my room back?"

"I haven't decided. You just focus on staying clean."

It's not like I really had much to my name to begin with. I stare at the skull penny. For as long as I can remember, I've always been a drug addict. Does he really think I can get clean? Is that even possible? You know, most people miss their pets or family. I'd sell my goddamn soul for a rail, a pill, **anything**.

* * *

"How about this? You can sit in the supply room while everyone spends their points."

"Why do you keep punishing me, man?! I didn't do anything to you!"

"RM, cut the fucking theatrics. They're getting old. I'm not going to beg you, so either come or don't."

"Heh. You said come."

He tries not to laugh, but the surly fuck can't keep his composure even for the sake of acting. "If you try anything, you're coming right back up here."

"Alright, my Lord."

"I'm already regretting this."

"Whatever, dick with ears. Damn, you used to be fun." I sit back down on the floor, folding my arms like a pouting child.

He sighs, plopping behind me. "Come on, bitch," he smirks against my neck. "Ugh. You need a shower."

"Maybe if you let me off my leash once in a while."

"Let me shower with you and I'll let you get some things from the supply room."

"No goddamn way. Keep that crescent roll in your pants."

"Tch. Fine, stinky. Three minutes."

"I can't even wash my ass in three minutes."

"Two minutes and fifty seconds. Then I'm putting this crescent roll in the oven." He thrusts his hips forward.

You'd be fucking surprised how fast I motherfucking showered.

...

I perk up out of my slump when Dwight is the first one to come into the supply room.

"I thought you cut out on us."

"I'm just working some things out."

Dwight takes my arm. "I knew you could get clean."

His fingers against my skin gives me goosebumps. I guess I never realized how much I miss him, but I know our time is over.

"I'm proud of you, RM."

"Thank you," I flush with a giggle.

"This ain't a petting zoo, Dwight. Get your shit and get the fuck out."

"Don't be fucking rude," I snap at Negan.

"What-the-fuck-ever."

"It's fine. I'm leaving." Dwight shoots Negan a glare before turning his attention back to me. "Here," he smiles, giving me the tabloid.

A gift thing!

He brushes his knuckles against my chin. "You can do this, RM."

I cling to the tabloid as I watch him walk from the supply closet. Don't leave! Don't leave me here alone with this gigantic thunderfuck!

"Pff, the tabloids?" His snickering furthers.

"I like the pictures of aliens, okay?"

"Please tell me you don't believe that shit."

"Right, because it's so fucking far-fetched. The dead are eating the living. We're one tabloid away from extinction."

At least it shut him up. For however long that may be. I sit on the other side of this trunk so neither of us have to look at each other. Maybe it's because of me, but he's being a real prick to the other men. My eyes widen when I hear the nympho wife's heels. She says something to him that I almost end up vomiting from. This gross bitch actually enjoys his meat log, and I get to hear alllllll a-fucking-bout it. Fucking sick. Even with my fingers in my ears and a ruptured ear drum, I can still hear both their filthy moans. Would you believe the fucker lasted like twenty goddamn minutes? Hell, maybe it wasn't that long, but it seemed like it. I'm fucking traumatized!

"Oh, shit," he chuckles, zipping up his pants when I get to my feet.

"Fucking seriously? That was disgusting! I need **major** restitution."

"Lucky for you, I'm in a great fucking mood, so have at it. Oh, and in case our fucking turned you on, I'd be willing to give it another go."

I don't even acknowledge this fool, and start surveying the room. I'm taking anything I damn well please for that emotional abuse. There's tons and tons of clothing that I sift through finding several winning pieces. Well, they'll need to be altered to fit me, but I don't mind. I kinda like doing that shit. "Is there a sewing kit someplace?"

"Sure, it's next to all the other shit I don't give a fuck about."

Whatever. I don't need his help anyway because I end up finding it.

"Wait. Let me see what you got."

"Fine. One bag of Cheetos puffs. One box of nitrile gloves. A pair of jeans that will be cut into shorts. Three shirts. A carton of smokes. And one sewing kit."

"I don't fucking think so." He yanks the smokes from my arms. "Trying to slip it by me?"

"This ain't right! I can't even earn points for the things I need because I'm your fucking prisoner!"

"You know where the fucking door is!"

"Fine, fuck you!" I shove the items to the floor and make my way to the gates. "Open this bitch up," I yell at the Savior guard. "Where's the outpost at with the heroin?" Fuck this bullshit, I quit. I tried, but sobriety ain't for me.

"Nine miles that way. Don't you have a weapon or something?"

I ignore his fucking concern, and start for paradise. Shit. The road is filled with those fuckers. They're slow to move but persistent. I didn't realize how out of shape I truly am. I can still see the smoke stacks of Sanctuary in the distance and I'm about to go into cardiac arrest. "Whoa, man, fucking chill. I'm all bones, you don't wanna eat me." The dead keeps at me. Most people will do anything to survive. Not me. If it's my time, so be it, but I'm not causing harm to anyone or anything. I twist my ankle tripping over debris. Guess that time will come sooner than I thought. However, I see an old beat up car that I seek shelter. The dead are actually kind of smart. While they can't use the doors, their fists against the glass start to crack it. There's so many of them! The right passenger window breaks, so I crawl into the back seat. Two slither inside, both fighting for a piece of me. Fuck me, I always thought drugs would kill me, not the meat puppets. Even trying to push one off isn't helping. Their skin is soggy and my hands easily push into its flesh. "Madsen," I whimper as if he'll just manifest and save me. I shut my eyes tight as they close in on me.

The dead is yanked back so forceful, the lower half is still in the car. Lucille comes down hard on the poor soul. Negan yanks the other one, throwing it on the pavement.

I pull my knees to my chest to tuck my face away from the sight of the brutal slaying, but it doesn't stop the violent sounds of crushing bones. Please, make it stop! I flinch every time she claims another dead. I've lost count of her victims.

Negan reaches in and pulls the lower half of the dead out. "Come on."

"Go away! Go away!" I make an even smaller ball as if it's going to hide me.

"RM, I don't have time for this shit. The sound will attract more of those fucks."

"You killed them! Just like you killed those other Saviors. You're the monster, not them!"

"Fine, fuck you. I'm not going to stand here and take this shit!"

There's no way I can do this on my own. I might as well just stay here and await my fate. At least that way I won't die tired.

Negan climbs into the back seat, letting out an obvious sigh that he ain't happy.

"I thought you weren't going to stand here and take my shit?"

"I'm not standing, I'm sitting. How have you survived this long and never killed one of those things?"

"I don't know. I just don't harm things."

"What about Amber's dog? Hmm? She cried to me for an hour about you throwing it out the fucking window."

"Don't act like you haven't wanted to throw that yappy fuck out the window."

"I might have. Once or twice," he grins.

I do a double take at his pretty teeth before giving him a chuckle. "No, I wouldn't even hurt her mongrel."

"RM, you gotta kill or you'll end up one of these fucks."

My eyes sink at his words.

"Maybe I overreacted in the supply room."

"I'm traumatized, you know? She called you, ugh. I'm not even going to repeat it. It's so gross." Of course he got butthurt that I'm not into him. I'm able to get out of the car, but walking is a different story.

"Come on, let's go."

"I sprang my ankle, man. Quit rushing me."

He hoists me up, carrying me with one arm. Lucille in his other hand.

Well... I didn't expect that. Nor do I expect him to show mercy on the next undead as it shuffles towards Negan.

He nudges it with Lucille as it topples over.

My eyes light up.

He laughs, until my lips touch his cheek. "Uh..."

"Thank you, dumpy."

The Savior leader clears his throat as his cheeks redden a bit. It's brief, and goes away just as soon as it comes on. He won't admit he was embarrassed, and I guess I won't give him any shit for it. "You want the doctor to take a look at your foot?"

"No." I just want to go the fuck to sleep. In fact, that's all I ever want to do. I hate being sober. I'm fucking miserable. I'm never miserable! That just ain't who I am.

Negan sets me down on my pallet.

I move my hand out so he can handcuff me, and notice the things I picked from the supply room in a pile. Including the carton of smokes.

"Don't fucking throw these last few weeks away to get at me, RM. You're cheating yourself. And you've worked too goddamn hard."

"I don't know if I can do this."

"One day at a time."

I cock my head a bit. "Was Lucille an addict? Is that why you haven't given up on me?"

His eyes lock with mine.

"It's just, well, you seem to know a lot about this kinda stuff-"

"Goodnight."

"You can talk to me-"

"I said good-fucking-night!"

"Okay, sorry."

Negan doesn't come home that night.

I guess he slept with one of the girls. Nor do I see him the following day. At least I've got some Cheetos to snack on, and the tabloid to look at. Jesus, I wish I'd get abducted.

* * *

I keep looking at this carton of cigarettes. Now, I don't know if dingus realized this when he gave me the damn smokes or if he did it on purpose, but I don't have a lighter.

"You wear the dumbest shirts I've ever fucking seen."

I haven't seen this dumpy bitch in two days and that's all he has to say? Fucker. I look down to see what one I've thrown on. It's a skeleton wearing some neon sunglasses. "What? This one is fucking awesome. You're drinking hatorade, man."

"It's fucking stupid."

"Whatever, enjoy your plain white shirt, you basic bitch."

He grunts, forcing his jacket off and slamming it against the floor as if it will break.

The fuck was that about? My eyes widen. His keys are in that fucking jacket! By some fucking divine miracle, I'm able to drag the jacket to me after he throws his tantrum and walks out. Oh, damn. I open this huge fucking thing up so I can get a good look. Did he get shot? Or stabbed? I run my fingers over the tears. There's blood still on the leather. His jacket to him is kinda how my stockings are to me. I mean, it's not just a jacket to him. He loves the fucking thing. About the only other thing he loves more is pussy. I wonder if it was a gift thing from that Lucille chick? Well… guess I ain't got nothing but time.

* * *

I hold the jacket up, proudly inspecting my work. Hell yeah. This bitch looks brand new! Okay, not really, but it's better than the target practice it looked like before.

His door is flung open so forceful, it almost comes off the fucking hinges. "Where's my fucking jacket?!"

"It's right-"

He doesn't even let me finish before he rips it from my hands and feels for the keys, making sure his handcuff one is still on there. Negan checks the handcuffs to make sure I'm still secured.

I slap him across the face.

"What the fuck was that for?!"

"You fucking prick! I stayed up all night sewing that goddamn jacket for you."

He takes a second look at it. "I'm-"

"Go fuck your-fucking-self." I'm done with this bullshit. I reach into my pocket and chuck that coin at him. He better fucking hope that I never get a chance to get those keys again.

"RM-"

"Leave me alone!"

* * *

By not talking to him, I've guilt tripped him into letting me off my leash. While he's preoccupied with that inventory list, I drop my shirt to the floor and ease myself on his lap. That's right, motherfucker.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"You still wanna fuck me?" I lick up his index finger as he watches. "Maybe even a little sixty-nine?"

He sets his inventory list to the side, bringing his eyes slowly back to mine.

"Whatever you want," my honeyed voice whispers.

He runs his fingers along my neck.

Come on, you weak fuck, I want those keys. "Anything."

"Anything?"

I unbutton his pants, unzipping them nice and slow. "Fuck me, Negan. I want your thick-"

His fingers tighten around my throat, and I'm quickly taken to the floor. "You think I don't know what you're doing? If you ever try to fucking come on to me again, I will put you outside these gates, you filthy fuck!"

"Fuck you, you limp dick motherfucker!" I'm drug back over to my spot on the floor as the cold metal slings around my wrist. "No," I scream. "You can't do this!" I manage to kick him in the face and break his nose.

"Goddammit!" It brings him to his knees on the floor.

I swipe his keys, quickly undoing the cuffs. I'm able to get away, and hide in a small part of the stairwell as he comes barreling down right past me. I have one shot at this, and bolt for the infirmary. With Negan's keys, I'm able to open the medicine cabinet, and holy fuck me! The quickest way I know to get fucked up is fentanyl, and shove the patches in my mouth. It doesn't take long for Negan to find me. His strength is like ten men and my jaw is pried open.

He's too late.

This shit hits me hard. It's enough to be my last hit, and the pain is indescribable. I thought for sure I was dead, but pull through, and open my eyes to dingus.

He's standing by the infirmary table, but his attention is out the window.

I'm covered in his jacket since I wasn't wearing a shirt. It's not the only thing I notice. His face is black and blue from where I've broken his nose.

He turns his attention to me. "Get your shit from my room, and get the fuck out."

"Okay," I murmur.

His wives give me looks like I'm the devil when I walk in.

"Stupid bitch."

"Shut the fuck up," Negan yells at her.

I don't really know why he'd stick up for me, but I feel even worse about what I've done.

Negan sits quietly on his couch, his face in his hands.

I set his jacket on his bed before packing my things. As I start for his door, I know that I owe him an apology, and even though he won't accept it, I want him to know. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, Negan." If I were capable of crying, this would be one of those times I believe.

He drops his hands, keeping his head lowered. "You think I give a fuck about my nose?"

"I do. I've never hurt anyone before, yet I hurt the one person that's only tried to help me."

"Get out of my fucking room!"

I inch closer to him and he startles me when he yells again. "I'm sorry!"

"I don't give a fuck about your apology."

I move my arms around his neck, tucking myself away against his chest.

"Let go of me."

"I fucked up, okay?"

"I won't tell you again."

"No," I whine when he tries to pry my hands from his neck. I latch onto him tighter. "Don't make me leave!"

"Let go!" He shoves me off with such force, I somersault backwards.

I crawl back to him, sitting as his feet. "Please."

"RM!"

I slam my face against the concrete, breaking my nose.

"What the fuck?! You crazy bitch!"

Oh, Jesus Christ. It fucking hurts so bad. Blood gushes from my nose. I whimper in pain when he presses his bandana under my nose to stop it. "I'm sorry! I don't wanna go. I'm sorry, dumpy!"

He heaves a heavy sigh, lowering his head against mine. "I never thought I'd miss that stupid fucking name." His arms move around my waist as he pulls me closer.

I know that I'm fucking lucky because he should have kicked me out. This wasn't even the first time, either.

"You didn't have to break your goddamn nose. I woulda come after you before you left the parlor."

Now he fucking tells me because this really fucking hurts. "I know I don't deserve another chance."

"Honestly, I like having you around. You make me laugh."

"You laugh all the time."

"No. I don't."

"Why do you treat me so nice?"

"Because I know what it's like."

"To be treated like shit?"

He's silent a bit, before tightening his grip as if I'll leave. "To be an addict."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Some of RM's past is revealed so there will be sensitive subjects. I moved this fic over to the TV section because I want to bring Simon (Steven Ogg's character) into the fic. The song RM is rapping to is actually from 2012, but it was too fitting not to use. I do what I want.**

* * *

 _ **Novaturient**_ _(adj.) Desiring or seeking powerful change in one's life, behavior, or situation._

* * *

"That's why you knew about being dope sick, or my shoe laces."

His attention is focused on the floor, his eyes empty like he's ashamed things came to this.

"I knew you were hiding something. You always looked like you wanted to say more, but couldn't find the words. Or when I'd leave to use, you'd be so fucking disappointed."

Still nothing. Just some stoic gaze.

"Is this how you got clean? Chained to the floor?"

He moves his head side to side.

"Oh… rehab."

"…I met this girl, and she fucking saved my life."

"What happened to her?"

More silence.

"Undead?"

"Cancer."

"That... sucks," I stammer, looking away from him. Honesty like this fucks me up because I'm so goddamn secretive. I'd never talk about Madsen. I know the only reason he talked about this girl is because I forced him to do it. Christ, I can see he's not okay about her. Here he's trying to help me get clean, yet I'm putting a damn needle in my arm every chance I get.

Negan cups my nose, setting it.

Fuck! Okay, that hurt!

"That's enough kumbaya bullshit today. I'm going the fuck to sleep."

"Do you, uh, well…" I rub the back of my neck. "I could sleep beside yo-"

"Move your ass," he snaps, pointing at my handcuffs.

Yeah. Sure.

* * *

Negan didn't sleep well last night. He kept tossing and turning.

I feel bad for the poor fuck. "The girl you lost to cancer... was her name Lucille?"

"Try not to fucking OD today, RM."

I jump when the door slams. "Little hard without drugs, fuck face." Guess I can get some sleep now that dingus isn't here.

...

Shit, I'm bored. Still chained to the goddamn floor.

"Dinner," Negan mumbles, dropping the tray on the floor.

Whatever this shit is splashes in my eyes. Shit! It burns like a motherfucker. It gains me some sympathy. I'm uncuffed, dragged, then shoved into the bathroom. Look, I fucking deserve being treated like shit for breaking his nose, but that was his choice to tell me about his past and he's taking it out on me! Where are those goddamn pills? Think, RM... Ah, yes. I taped a bag of pills behind some erotic panting Negan brought back one day. Seven, eight, nine. Perfect. I'd snort them, but my fucking nose. That and I don't have the time. Speaking of time, I swallow the last pill as the door is flung open. "Yes, my Lord? I'm-" Oh, shit. Her.

"How long? How long have you been fucking him?"

"Sherry, get off my tits!" Just like I thought, just like I fucking **told** Negan, this bitch grabs me by the head and shoves me so hard into the glass, the mirror breaks. I guess it's a good thing I took pain pills, although they haven't kicked in yet. Fuck, this is worse than the broken nose. "Fuck you. Hit me for fucking your man, yet your sausage wallet is all on Negan's fat fucking chubby. You make no goddamn sense."

Lord dingus here yanks Sherry's fist back before I'm assaulted again. He's yelling, but not swearing. Damn, he's pissed.

I hate when he gets like this. It fucking scares me. People that don't swear make me fucking nervous as a motherfucker. Great, just as I get this food out, now I've got glass in my goddamn eye.

"Amber, go get the doctor. Now," Negan screams at her. "Sherry, I should kick you the fuck out! What the fucking fuck is fucking wrong with you?"

"Negan-"

"Shut the fuck up!" He continues to yell at her.

At least he's back to swearing again. Damn, I can't even enjoy her being bitched out. Fuck, this burns!

"Don't touch it," Negan instructs me, cupping my cheek.

"It hurts," I frown.

"Just try and think about something else."

"Like aliens?"

"Yeah," he smirks. "Like aliens."

"I fucking love aliens!"

"I know you do."

"I came as fast as I could," the doctor huffs. "Oh, shit."

"Oh, shit?" I start to panic even more.

Negan hits him on the back of the head. "Can you be fucking professional?"

"Sorry, Sir."

It doesn't hurt as bad once he starts working on my eye. Or maybe it's all those pills I took starting to kick in.

His wives seemed concerned, gathered around before the doctor instructs that he needs the light.

Negan holds me by the elbow. His thumb grazing the back of my arm.

It kinda tickles, but sorta feels nice… I guess. It's weird, but I'm glad the dumpy fuck is here.

"Tilt your head back."

Something is dropped into my eye. The doctor explains that he needs to find out if there are any more small pieces they can't see.

I'm a little unnerved knowing I could go fucking blind from goddamn glass in my eye. All because this bitch over here can't keep her emotions in fucking control. But then I see Negan's nose. See how it's still black and blue on the bridge from when I broke it and feel a bit hypocritical for thinking that. "I'm sorry I broke your nose."

"I know you are, bitch," he smiles.

My eyes trail down to his pretty teeth. Arranged so perfectly I'm distracted for a brief moment until his lips settle back into place.

"Just a little minor surface irritation." The doctor makes a hasty departure.

Guess that's a good thing, right? It still hurts though. Fuck, and my face burns.

"Is she okay?"

"Sherry, you really fucked up this time," Negan snaps. "As a matter of fact, RM's decision on whether or not I should put you out on your ass!"

I'd normally relish this opportunity. I look at Sherry, then back at Negan. What-the-shit-ever. I just walk away and go back to my pallet. This is fucking miserable. Stupid bitch.

"RM."

"Please leave me alone." These pills just make me feel even more like shit. I've done well, and now I've fucked it all up. I stick my finger down my throat and hack up what I can. Guess what's dissolved will help my fucking face. Like my shit ain't fucked up enough, and now I have these gashes. He startles me when he touches my back. "What are you doing with your hand? I don't have any drugs on me."

"I'm... what? Oh, right. You're weird about that affection shit. Generally, the human race finds it acceptable to comfort others by rubbing their back. It's meant to be soothing and shit."

"Well… it's not. And you're tangling my hair."

"Do you know how many matted places are in your hair?"

I shove his hand off me. "I'm sorry that I don't have nice flowing fucking fuckable hair. And I'm sorry I don't dress in clothes that appease you. And I'm sorry that I'm a weird fuck. And I'm sorry I smell like cigarette smoke."

"You haven't smelled like cigarette smoke in a while"

"Because I can't get a goddamn lighter!"

"Calm fucking down, Jesus Christ." He fishes into his pocket and slams the lighter on the floor. "Fuck, you sure do let me get under your skin sometimes."

"I know, and I fucking hate it, dumpy bitch." I sink back on my knees and sigh. Fuck. Here comes this honesty shit that got me kicked out the last fucking time. "I took nine pills when I was in the bathroom."

He peers into the bucket. "You threw up a few."

"Are you mad?" He doesn't seem mad at all.

"I'm disappointed, because you worked hard and threw it away."

"No, I threw it up." We start to laugh, something that neither of us have done in a while.

"Come with me, stinky. Let's go get you some things in the supply closet."

When I sniff my arm, he laughs again. It proves even further how I'm letting him get under my skin. I don't like this girl I've become. Being sober means having to deal with all these issues I use drugs to self-medicate for.

"Whoa, put on a shirt!"

"I am wearing a shirt!"

"That's a fucking... I don't even know what that is, but I can see your tits in the arm holes you cut."

I let out a groan that I am not happy before putting on my martian shirt. "Better?"

"I like your nipples in that shirt."

"Well, you coulda seen them if you just let me wear my other one."

"Yeah, me and every other Savior."

"Whatever, I'd go naked if you didn't bitch."

"Fine. Fine, go fucking naked."

"Okay," I shrug, stripping down to just my beauties. "Are you going to let go of the door so we can leave?"

His eyes trail the arch of my back, down my ass.

I wonder if the clothes thing is more for him because his meat wrench is fully torqued.

"Stay here."

Yeah. You know why? I open the door back up to his bare ass. He's nailing his nympho wife over the arm of one of the lounges. Damn, I must have really turned him on because he's giving it to her hard. Now, I know I said I wasn't attracted to him, but it's kinda fucking hot. He has a nice broad back. About the only thing that isn't hairy. I've never seen him from this angle. The muscles tense each time he gives it to her. Guess I got thirty seconds to myself. I stand in front of his mirror and throw my hands up as I start to rap. "Hold up bitches simmer down. Takin' hella long bitch give it to me now. Make that thing pop like a semi or a nine. Oh baby like it raw with a shimmy shimmy ya." Ah, yes, I feel much better now. More like myself, not mopey and shit.

Dingus here stands at the door like I'm in-fucking-sane.

I turn to face him. "Never met a motherfucker fresh like me. All these motherfuckers wanna dress like me."

"Dress like you? You're practically naked."

"It was a song, bitch."

"Don't stop on my account."

"I wasn't. I just don't remember any more lyrics."

"You do that shit often? Because I think I've had about all I can take."

"I like to keep it real. Lucky you, right?"

"Yeah. Lucky me."

"Wanna see my motherfucking moonwalk?"

"Sure."

The stockings make it quite easy to glide across the floor. I swiftly grab my crotch, thrusting my hips forward. "Hee hee!"

"Unbe-goddamn-lievable."

"Yeah," I shrug. "I practice a lot."

"No, I'm talking about how I just blew my load and I'm already about to again. Even with your awkward rapping and that seizure you just showed me."

"That was the moonwalk. Show some respect for MJ."

"You should spank me for not being respectful."

"Gross. I'm not putting these precious hands anywhere near your leather cheerio."

"What is your fucking deal with food and body parts? Everything is some kind of pastry or deli meat with you."

"Food is perverted. It ain't my fault. Hey, are we going to the supply room?"

"Wanna blow on my beef whistle instead?"

"Blow it yourself."

"I would if I could, believe me, I've tried."

That doesn't fucking surprise me.

"Come on, you wouldn't lick your bean if you could?"

"I have my fingers. Why would I put my mouth there?"

"Because it feels real motherfucking good."

"Yeah, you'd know. You're the biggest vagina I've ever met."

"Wait. You're telling me no one ever ate you out before?"

"I'm getting dressed. Which that should say a lot in itself."

This motherfucker drops to his knees. "Please, RM, let me take a crack at that pussy. Please!"

"Ew, no way. I'm not letting you put your dirty mouth there! Look, now you said I could get some stuff, so pony up."

"Come on," he pouts.

"No goddamn way."

"Well, if you change your mind-"

"I won't."

"Pfff. Whatever, bitch." His eyes lock between my legs. "Why are all of your stockings crotchless? You get them at sluts-r-us?"

"Not that it's any of your goddamn business, but I got tired of my mother's boyfriends always ripping them. This just made it easier."

"What the fucking **fuck**?!"

"I know, some fifty cent pair of stockings, but-"

"You **know** I ain't talking about the fucking nylons, RM." He takes me by the arm, yanking me up on my feet. "Answer me!"

I shove the dumpy fuck off me. "Look, that's just how things motherfucking were."

"Those men have a stocking fetish? Is that why you always leave them on."

"In that situation, you're helpless. Wearing my stockings was the one thing I had control over."

"How many men?"

"Look, I answered your questions. What's done is done. Let's say I tell you a number, or give you their names. You gonna go chain them all to your fence? They're probably on there already."

"No, see, that's the fucking thing. This world is built for men like that now. It's all that seem to be left."

"The leader of my last group was like that. Tried to breed us and shit. Anyway, whatever. I'm going to take a piss before we go." I thought about the coke taped under the back of the toilet I hid. Thought about the pills in the tile. I know it's gotta go. But once it's gone, that's it! I've been using for so long, I don't even know how to function sober. All these memories I can't dilute anymore. The pills were hard to dump in the toilet. I kept trying to save back a few, or pull them from the toilet. The coke damn near broke me. I sprinkle it in, but keep pulling the bag back. "Fuck," I sigh, just tilting it over.

"I'm real motherfucking proud of you, RM."

"Shit, you scared the fuck out of me, man!"

He leans against the vanity, his hands hanging loosely in his pockets. "How, uh." He clears his throat, then lowers his voice. "How long did that shit go on for? With your mom's boyfriends."

I shake the rest of it out of the bag, before flicking it to the side.

"RM."

"Negan," I mock.

"I asked you a question."

"A long fucking time, okay? In fact, for so long, I don't remember a time when it didn't happen. Any more questions? How about I describe what they looked like and we can really stir some shit up?"

He moves his head side to side, his eyes sinking.

I plop down on the toilet, and start tapping my toes together. Is he really going to stay in here while I pee? Guess so.

Negan reaches back and punches the mirror.

Or… not. The fuck? We almost lose the bathroom door, too.

...

I take advantage of not being cuffed, though it's not what you think. It's kinda strange leaving the parlor to go downstairs. I forgot about all the debauchery. Once I'm outside the front doors, I bump into one of the Saviors.

He looks down at me, his face and mustache in a permanent frown.

"Shit, sorry, man. I didn't see you there." At first I was kind of intimidated by him. Not because of his height or build, just his demeanor.

Though it quickly shifts as he sinks back a bit on one leg before turning himself and a smile my way. "What's that on your arm there, friend?"

I swallow hard as I eye the temptation over. It's not a lot, but the thing about coke is that this shit can still get absorbed into your skin.

"That a problem for you?"

I nod my head.

"May I?" He scoops it off my arm, rubbing it on his gums.

Fuck. That was close. "Thanks… friend…"

"Simon."

"RM."

"You shouldn't be out here by yourself."

"I'm looking for Negan."

"He hauled ass out the front doors a bit ago. Didn't even have time to kneel."

Oh god. I roll my eyes. That kneeling shit is so fucking stupid.

"That shirt you're wearing… Negan give it to you?"

I look down at my martian shirt and smile. "Yeah, it was a gift thing. Hey, how'd you know?"

"Because I spent three days looking for the goddamn thing. Not exactly what I'd choose as a priority, but what his wives want, they get."

One of the Saviors slap me on the ass as he walks by.

Simon gives a brutal right hook to the man's jaw. "Wanna lose that fuckin' hand?"

The Savior grunt picks himself up and hurries inside.

"Thank you."

"I'd say now we're even for the coke, but I'm pretty sure Negan wouldn't agree with men touching what was his, so I still owe ya one."

"I'm not a-"

Simon gets on one knee, lowering his head.

I narrow my eyes at Negan, giving him the middle finger.

"Simon, up. RM, inside."

"Bye," I smile at Simon.

He gives me a wink before resuming that stern manner of his.

I giggle and follow after Negan. You know, his men might be a bunch of degenerates, but the Lieutenants are some decent dudes.

"You didn't fucking thank me when I defended you."

"Simon didn't kill that man and put him on the fence."

"You shouldn't even fucking be down here."

"This is your fault I was down here to begin with. Why'd you storm out of the goddamn bathroom?"

"I had to take care of something."

"Bullshit. Your hands are all bloody."

"Because you think everything is a goddamn joke."

"I'm sorry, do you want me to cry on your fucking shoulder like some broke bitch? Boo-fucking-who, they touched me. Pff," I make a jerk off motion with my hand, "fucking stupid."

"I don't know what I want," he mumbles.

"Can you slow fucking down?"

"Yeah, I can."

"Well, you're not doing a very good job of it!" Even skipping every other step he's still faster. When we get to the top, I have to take a minute to catch my breath.

He scoffs, shaking his head. "Goddamn you're out of shape, bitch."

"Yeah, well, a pack a day doesn't help, either."

"Inside."

"What?! You promised me we'd go to the supply room! Why do you think I got dressed-"

"RM, get the fuck inside, and don't make me have to fucking tell you again."

"What-the-dick-ever."

"She always has to have the last fucking word."

"Yeah, I do, bitch!"

"You're the bitch!"

"Bitch, you're the bitch, bitch!" This went on for twenty-five goddamn minutes. He ain't getting the last word. "Bitch." I wait for him to respond, but he doesn't. That's right, motherfucker.

* * *

"Yes, my Lord? How have I displeased you this evening?"

"Come here."

Normally, I'd tell him to go fuck himself while I changed, but that look ain't lust. Nor is he aroused. That's a first.

He lifts my shirt up some, and turns me to the side. "I can see your fucking ribs! Disgusting."

"Not as disgusting as your face!"

"Fuck you. Are you eating?"

"When it's not splashed in my goddamn eye, yes."

"Hilarious, bitch. When's the last time you had something to eat?"

"I dunno, a few days I gue-"

"RM, what the fuck?!"

"What, man? What did I do now?"

"What have you been doing with that food I bring you?"

I point at the bucket.

"Shorts. Now. Hurry the shit up."

"Alright, alright, I'm going! Quit pushing!"

"Don't even pull that victim bullshit with me."

"Look here, dump-a-saurus rex, you're like three times my size-"

"RM, I'm counting."

"Fine," I protest, throwing on my shorts. I'd take my sweet fucking time, but I wanna get this stupid shit over with. When Negan starts yelling at the girl in the cafeteria, I feel bad. It's not her fault I don't eat.

"Here, it's hot."

I inspect the cup of food that I can only describe as... oh god. I can't. Nope! "What is this?"

"What?" She starts to laugh. "It's ramen. You know, soup."

The fuck is soup? It stinks! I whine, holding the cup up to Negan.

"Eat, RM."

"Can't I have some Cheetos from the supply room?"

"No."

"But..."

"Stop. You're not a fucking child."

"I'm not hungry!"

"Then we'll sit here all night, and for the record, I'm tired as a motherfucker, so get shoveling."

This shit is... "I can't do it man. Look at it! I don't like Raymond's soup!"

"People would fucking kill you and not think twice for a chance to even get a bite, yet you're being some spoiled bitch about it. How fucking terrible I'm forcing you to eat."

"You don't have to fucking lecture me about fighting for your supper. I've been fighting for food as long as I can remember. You think my mom woke up from her drug coma to make me food? It was fend for your-goddamn-self or starve."

"Where was your dad in all this?"

"What dad," I scoff, "and how the fuck am I supposed to eat this?"

"Oh, I forgot about your glove thing. Alright, look. I'll give you Cheetos if you eat your soup."

"Deal," I respond, clutching the container and ready to bolt. Okay, now hear me out. I know it sounds gross, but Cheetos and fucking Raymond's soup became my new favorite thing to eat. Maybe by the time winter ends, I'll finally be 80 pounds!

* * *

Negan brought me a book yesterday. I've been using the pages to make things. Heh, this one looks like Chonsey. I hide it under my pillow as he comes in his room.

"Here. Make it fucking last, RM." The cigarettes are dropped at my feet.

"Thank you, dumpy!"

"The fuck ever, I'm gonna shower," he mumbles. Hmm, he must be in one of his moods. He didn't even ask me to join him.

I thought he'd have his dick out of the dirt when he came back, but it's not, and he's going through that bottle of alcohol like it's a joke. "Can I do something?"

"RM, shut the fuck up!"

"I said like four words, man!"

"And here I am, on the verge of a massive pulmonary embolism."

"God, you're fucking dramatic. Go change your panty liner and have another drink."

"Like I'll take advice from you, you druggie cunt!"

"Fuck you, shit head. I hope you fucking drink yourself to-" As mad as I fucking am, I can't bring myself to fucking say it. To wish harm on him. He's still someone's son. And he's still a human being, no matter how fucking awful he is.

"Nothing to fucking say, bitch?"

I twist around so my back is to him. What a fuck ass.

He doesn't know when to fucking quit, because he keeps on, and on. Calling me names and shit, trying to rile me up.

I don't give into him, despite the fact I'd love to launch something across the room.

He starts to cough, and before long, hits the floor.

The… hell? I look over my shoulder to see him gasping for a breath.

He dry heaves, throwing up a bit, then sucks it back in.

"Negan?" Oh, fuck... is he... choking? "Negan?" Ouch, these damn fucking handcuffs. I'm pulling so hard, it's starting to rip my flesh. "Help," I scream for the wives. "Help, he's choking! Someone help!" Oh, god, he's turning colors. "Sherry!" This is going to hurt like a motherfucker, I can already tell. I stomp on my own hand, and after the third attempt, I dislocate my thumb enough to slide the handcuff off. "Hold on, dumpy!" I'm not all that strong, but everything happens so fast that before I know it, I get him on his side to finish throwing up. It's like the motherload, too. Fuck, if that would have gone in his lungs, he would have died. I've never seen someone this drunk before in my life and my friend Cheeto is an alcoholic! I clean up Negan as best I can. He's too big to move, so I just scoot closer and let him rest his head on my lap. I run my fingers through his hair, raking it back in place. It's been a long time since I've watched the sun set, then rise.

When Negan finally wakes up, he's so miserable. He brings his knees up to his chest, letting out a long groan.

Maybe I could sing to him and it would help settle his stomach some. Sometimes I'll catch him humming to his baseball bat when he's changing the wire out. Not too sure what the fucker likes. Guess here goes nothing. "Huah! Bad boys! What'cha want? What'cha want? What'cha gonna do... when Sheriff John Brown come for you? Tell me, what'cha ya wanna do, what'cha gonna do? Yeah! Bad boys, bad boys, what'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys, bad boys, what'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna do when they come for you? Cops is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law."

"I can't fucking believe you just sang me the fucking theme song to Cops."

"Believe it, bitch."

"Ain't there something about remaining silent? Hold the fucking phone. Why aren't you handcuffed?" He sits up and grabs my face. "Did you take something?"

"That hurts!" I shove him off me. "Fuck you. Next time you can choke on your pavement pizza."

He starts coming around and realizes what's going on. "Jesus Christ, your fucking hand!"

"I didn't have a choice. You were-"

"Being a fucking idiot. Come on. Let's get you to the infirmary."

...

"Ow, fucking, ow, man! Gentle, gentle!" Damn, this doctor would be really fucking bored without me. Every day I'm overdosing, dislocating, or cutting something. At least this one was for a good cause.

"You really need some ice, but snow in this baggie will do. Keep it on your thumb."

"Leave us," Negan orders the doctor. He starts to set his hand on my thigh, but remembers I hate people who touch my stockings, so he holds me by the arm.

Oh. That thing where he runs his thumb against my skin.

"I'm sorry, RM. You're the last person that should have helped me."

Sounds like the speech I gave him not too long ago. "Even though you piss me off, I'm not going to let you just die."

"You're just saying that because that's the kind of person you are."

Everyone always tells me that. How I wouldn't hurt someone because that's not the kind of person I am. I fucking hate when people tell me that shit. That's how everyone should be. Violence only promotes more violence. "Whoa, what are you doing?"

"Taking you back to the room."

"It's a broken thumb, not a broken foot. I can walk myself, dingus."

"Then move your ass!"

Oh, I get it. He's embarrassed I don't want him to carry me. God, he's a moody pussy.

...

"RM?"

"What, dingus?"

"…nothing."

I wish I fucking believed that because it was RM, RM, RM five more goddamn times. Just as I'm about ready to throw this bucket, he startles me with affection. Ew, gross. He scoots up right fucking against me, his arm making sure to enclose any vacant space, which I'm sure there was, he would have found it. You know, for him being this bad ass big swinging king dick motherfucker, he sure is a pussy. And this ain't the first time he's pulled some shit. He's always trying to get me to sleep with him. In fact, I don't know if he even fucks Sherry. I think she's just here so he can have someone to sleep with at night, because I remember when I was a wife, her bed was just for show. Since I've been cuffed, he hasn't had anyone at his side. A lot of times I catch him with a pillow he's taken hostage. Guess I'm that pillow tonight.

"It's her birthday today."

Fuck. Why does dingus saying shit like this turn me into this sympathetic person? I hate compassion towards people. It makes you weak as fuck. Yet, here I go. Vomiting out my condolences. He won't let me roll over, despite my numerous attempts. It makes me wonder if the poor fuck is tearing up, and just doesn't want me to see him. It's so fucking dank in here, it's not like I'd even be able to tell. His breath gets heavier against my shoulder like he's recalling something uncomfortable. Maybe the day she died. Maybe the moment he realized it would be their last together. I bring my hands up some, curling my fingers around his forearm.

"Well. I think. It's hard to keep track of the fucking days."

I wonder what she thought about all this? People kneeling. That stupid gigantic bed. Oh, wait. He said he lost her to cancer. That means he lost her before the outbreak. I can actually hear him swallow the lump in his throat. "You don't talk about her often, do you?"

"I've never told anyone about her."

This is another thing I fucking hate. If I play the concerning role, and ask him more questions, he's going to yell at me. So what the fuck do I do? Guess I could offer him the only thing I'm good for. "You can fuck me and think of her."

His hands waste no time ridding me of my shirt. He's so eager to get my pants off, he doesn't turn the oil lamp off this time. Negan kneels between my legs, his hands on his jeans. His eyes are empty as they take in my naked flesh. "Uh," he stammers, hands still keeping his pants button fastened.

"It's okay." I reach for his pants to unbutton them.

He shakes his head no, fleeing from the room.

I wait a good while before I find him balls deep in nympho wife. Dumb and dumber even joined in. It turns my stomach watching the two girls go at it and Negan being all about that shit. I guess if it gets his mind off that girl, who am I to fucking judge? While he's occupied, I start for the shower. You know, things at Negan's place ain't really all that bad. A lot of it reminds me of back home. Especially, shower time. I didn't grow up with a lot of luxuries like electricity, or running water. Mostly, because my mom was too goddamn high to pay the fucking bills. I rigged up this water pump system that let us take showers. Kinda like whatever they've got going on here. I stare at the knobs that turn the water on. When I lived at Madsen's, one of these knobs had heated water. I've tried both at Negan's place, but it's just like home. Cold. Sometimes in the summer the water is a little warm from the sun, but as winter closes in, it's even colder. "Fuck," I scream, when Negan startles me. You'd think for as big as this motherfucker is, I'd hear him sneak up behind me. I take refuge in the corner of the shower while he cleans himself off.

"Don't worry, I couldn't possibly shoot my load again."

"It's not your womb broom I'm worried about. It's what you've swept up with it that concerns me."

"Damn, bitch, give me a goddamn break. You think I'm going to purposely rub my dick on you after it's been in some other sausage wallet?"

"Shit, I don't know, man! And sausage wallet is my line. Don't be stealing my shit." I reach the soap out to him, inching closer to the corner. "Here, clean her wallet lint off you."

Negan snatches the soap as his eyes trail down my legs. "You really wear those things in the shower?"

"Yes, now," I flick my wrist at him, "get on with it." You better goddamn believe I watched him clean that dumpy thing off. Shit, it's only a matter of time before he tries to rub it on me again.

"You know, you're lucky you never swept up something with how many men you've let dig in your change purse. Or, god-fucking-forbid, have some little RM running around."

"I don't have a change purse to have kids. Keep washing that roll of quarters."

"Your mom do drugs while she was pregnant with you?"

"Yeah. They said that's why I'm little like I am. You know, it stunted my growth. I had a lot of complications when I was born because of her drinking and the drugs."

"Fuck…"

"Whatever, it is what it is."

"I kinda feel fucking bad now about the weight comments the other day."

"Don't. I'm optimistic for the first time in my life that I'm going to be 80 lbs. Raymond's soup was pretty good with hot Cheetos. Can we get more of that when we're done?"

"Yeah, sure," he smirks, before pushing his hips forward. "Well?"

Fuck me, this is going to be the longest shower ever.

...

I set a few things in Negan's outstretched arms. Things that I'm still owed from the other night when we never went.

"Why do you always make that noise?"

I think about it for a minute, then laugh. "That's my alien noise. Ack ack ack ack." I figured he'd say something like, _that's fucking stupid_ , but he just laughs.

"Do it again."

"Ack ack ack ack."

"Shit," he chuckles, "where'd you learn that?"

"It's from a movie."

"What movie?"

"Mars Attacks! The shirt you got me is from that movie, too." Well, that Simon got me, but that ain't important.

"You're about the size of an alien."

"Bitch, what makes you think I'm not? That I ain't waiting for the mothership to take me home?"

"You can probe me any time you want if you're feeling homesick," he smirks.

I roll my eyes in annoyance. "I think that's made up. Would you travel all this way just to stick something up a pudding ring for research? Ugh. Never mind, don't answer that. Your face says it all."

...

I organize my things neatly next to my pallet.

"What's this?" Negan points at the muffin with the cigarette I lit poking out of it.

I snuck it in my pocket when he wasn't looking. "It's for her birthday. I didn't mean to steal it, but I just wanted to do something nice for you. For her."

He eases down on the bed as his eyes well up.

Oh, shit. I was only trying to help.

"She would have been 42 today."

I'm still not sure if it's even Lucille he's talking about. Guess it doesn't really matter.

"Thank you," he murmurs before twisting the cigarette ember out with his own fingers. "Come here."

I figured it was to take me up on my offer from earlier, especially when he tells me to have a seat on his lap.

The muffin is seized and I'm given half.

I shake my head no, not because I don't want to eat it. "I don't touch food with my hands."

"Right, sorry." A small piece is pulled away and fed to me.

It's dry, but I don't mind. As I'm given another piece I find myself a little overcome with emotion, too. He's taking care of me like I'm a small child. Seated on his lap, making sure I'm full before he even considers taking some for himself. "Did you have any children?"

He shakes his head no, and I'm given another piece.

It's my last piece.

He's clammed up again, and the Savior leader's head bows.

I don't really know if he's being truthful about the kids or not. His cheek is salty and damp when I press my lips to it. I wait until I return to my pallet to wipe my lips with the back of my hand. You know, I don't know if Negan ever moved from that spot that night. I kinda hope I didn't upset the fucker more…

* * *

"Shit," his gruff voice startles me. There's some shuffling, and it becomes obvious he's starting the fire.

I poke my head from my pillow and blanket hut to get closer to the fire, but he takes me captive.

"I didn't even fucking think, RM." His gloves are yanked off and my fingers wiggle in them.

"Thank you." The fire combined with his heat thaws out my toes. "No, no, no!" I don't want to be moved away from the fire! However, it's to be placed in his bed.

He steps from his boots, tossing his jacket at the end of the bed before he joins me.

I hate myself for feeling such morbid pleasure from his sheets against my stockings.

His hands move across my back, the friction warming me. Or maybe it's because he's a fucking space heater.

I've never been this warm, even with a fire. There's always that cold draft on my back.

"Better?"

"Yes, thank you."

"I'm sorry, RM."

"It's okay, I'm pretty used to it. There was a lot of times we had no heat. I'd just pile on the blankets."

"That doesn't make me feel better."

"That's just the way shit was," I shrug. Why he does he take the things that have happened to me so fucking personal? Who gives a flying fuck? I don't.

"I have something for you."

"A gift thing?"

"No. You earned this, but, RM… I don't want to give this back to you ever again. You've done well, and you're going to continue doing well." He sets the one week sobriety skeleton coin on the bed in front of me.

I forgot about this beauty. And what waits for me at one year. "Thank you."

"I'm real fucking proud of you, RM."

I know if anyone can understand how hard I've worked, it's him.

"I'll put it with your things."

"No, don't get up."

"My sweaty skin not making you uncomfortable?" He tosses his shirt to the floor, and scoots back up behind me.

"Ugh, gnarly, man, come on. Stop! We were just starting to get along."

He lets out a cackle in my ear, smothering me more. "Let's fuck and make up, RM."

"No goddamn way. How many fucking times do I have to tell you that?"

"I'll give you that. You are consistent. Consistently a bitch."

I laugh so fucking hard I snort, which he finds fucking hilarious. Okay, that was fucking funny.

* * *

It's the first time I wake up without any back pain. The cool air around me feels nice while I'm warm under his sheets. I had this weird dream about Raymond's soup last night. Damn, I'm hungry. I wonder if he's- My eyes widen at the sheer fucking horror in this fucker's bed. "The fucking shit," I yelp, the sheet winding around my ankle as I trip from his bed.

"Shut the fuck up," he groans.

"The motherfuck are you sleeping naked next to me for?!"

"You act as if I give a shit."

Fucking revolting, and what does this sick fuck do? He rubs his fat morning chubby on my pillow. Jesus Christ I'd rather freeze to death from now on! "So fucking gross!" I yank the case from the pillow and toss it at his head. "Keep that one hit wonder away from me!"

"You should be calling it 'the Bull'."

"Makes sense. You only get a 3 second ride."

His jaw drops before his eyebrows bunch together. "Fuck you!"

"Whatever, just keep it the fuck away from me." I don't know why I act fucking surprise his hairy churro ruined things.

* * *

Negan said that idle minds were the worst thing that would lead to my relapse, so he had me work with the doctor. It fucking sucked because all those patches were within arm's reach. I guess that's why he had me work with the doctor. If anyone could tell that I was high, it'd be him, and he could report back to Negan. Everything was fine... just fucking fine, and one simple task ruined everything…

"The fuck, RM? What is this fuckery?" He tosses the medical book on the floor as it startles me.

The goddamn thing's so fucking big, it sounds like a shotgun. "Man, whatever, I ain't doing that shit."

"You're going to do anything he tells you to."

"I don't want to be a goddamn doctor! Just let me clean the shitter."

"You're not irrational like this. What's going on with you?"

"You don't even fucking know me. Shit, I don't even fucking know who I am!"

"This ain't about the goddamn drugs."

"Fucking drop it. I'm serious. In fact, I'm so motherfucking serious right now, I'm about to call you by your name."

"Bitch, you're not just going to sit on your ass every day."

"I'm not trying to sit on my ass! I just don't want to do this stupid shit!"

"Too goddamn bad."

This fight gets out of control. I know the other wives probably thought one of us weren't going to leave this room until I've finally had enough of his insults. I'm tired of being ashamed of something that I have no fucking control over. "I can't fucking read, okay? O-fucking-kay? I don't know what the everloving fuck is in the goddamn book. Why do you think you come home to a fucking floor of paper airplanes? Shit. Are you happy now? I'm fucking stupid, okay?" I snatch my cigarettes and start for the roof. This was a fucking stupid idea. It's too goddamn cold up here. I can't even get a flame going on my lighter because of the howling wind. "Ugh! Bunch of fucking bullshit fuckery!"

Negan cups his hand in front of my face to block the wind. "Fuckery is my line. Don't be stealing my shit now."

I sigh, then take a long drag from my cigarette.

"I didn't know, RM."

"Does it matter? I should be fucking humiliated for it."

"How come you like the tabloids if you can't even read?"

"I like the pictures of the aliens."

"You know, it makes sense now. The way that you are."

"The way that I am? You mean stupid?"

"You're not stupid. What makes you stupid is if you give up this opportunity to learn how to read."

"Yeah? You gonna teach me?"

"What do you think I did before the outbreak?"

"Pfff. Yeah fucking right. You? A teacher?" I'd laugh in his face if I were tall enough.

"Swear to fuck on floozy. Though, I was a coach."

I narrow my eyes at him. I'm not sure if he's fucking with me, or if the dumpy fuck is telling me the truth. "They let **you** around children?"

"She got me the job after I got clean. It gave me a different perspective. Self-worth. The kids looked up to me."

"Yeah, because you're ten goddamn feet tall."

"RM, you've got two options. I suggest you pull those stockings up, and put on your big girl boots."

"Big girl boots? I wear a size 5."

"Bitch always has to have the last fucking word," he grumbles, going back down the steps.

I don't even understand the point of learning how to read. Shit, if this keeps up, Negan's gonna know all my secrets. All... my secrets. Including my most coveted one. Madsen.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N This story is a little different because I'm pulling from all avenues. Comic, show, and "Here's Negan". If you don't know or want to be spoiled about Lucille, I suggest not going any further.**

* * *

 _ **Mizpah**_ _(n.) the deep emotional bond between people, especially those separated by distance or death._

* * *

Negan flicks another flash card at my forehead. "Try fucking harder."

"Quit trying to fucking fix me! I'm never going to get this reading shit!" I'm so fucking over this bullshit and we haven't been at it but three days.

"You done feeling sorry for yourself?"

"Go fuck yourself, bitch."

"I've tried. Doesn't feel near as good as when I emptied into you."

"Gross!"

"What's this one?" He holds another one of them stupid cards up.

"The strip club. But one of the lights are out."

Negan flips the card around confused. "What? There's no strip club on here."

I point at the top of the card.

"That's not a strip club sign. This is the letter X. The card shows you what it looks like when it's upper case and lower case. That's why there are two X's. The picture at the bottom of the card gives you a hint as to what the letters are."

"That don't make no fucking sense because that picture is a rainbow fucking railroad, dingus. Oh, wait, I get it! That's why the sign at the railroad has an X on it!"

"Wrong. So fucking wrong," he sighs. "This is a picture of a xylophone. X is for xylophone."

"The shit is that?"

"Moving fucking along. Okay, this is an easy one."

"X."

"We just did X! Use the pictures to help you."

I thrust myself back on the couch. "I don't know what that is!"

"Jesus, this is worse than I thought." He rubs the bridge of his nose.

"Can we go get Raymond's soup now?"

"No."

I pout, folding my arms.

"Alright, let's try a different approach. What's on your feet?"

"RM's DM's."

"I don't even know what the fuck you just said. What are those called?"

"I just told you!"

"RM!"

"Boots, man! Fucking boots!"

"And what do boots start with?"

I stare blankly.

"I gotta take a piss."

This shit is stressing me the fuck out. It's going to drive me to start using again, I know it is. While he's pissing, I go outside in the court yard to have a smoke, and hopefully hide from him so I don't have to do any more of this school shit. Ugh, one of those chode Saviors are out here. Hopefully he leaves me the fuck alone. Oh, no, too late. Fuck.

"Wanna drag?"

"No, I don't want no goddamn drag. Weed's for fucking losers." Ugh. I hate weed. The shit stinks.

"Who the fuck you calling a loser, stupid cunt?"

"Bitch, did I fucking stutter?" This fucktwat hits me so fucking hard, I fly back into the wall. "You fucking pussy! You can't use your words? You gotta beat up on some girl?" I spit blood at him before I'm kicked in the side repeatedly. Fuck! My goddamn ribs.

"What the fucking fuck is fucking going on here?" Negan pulls the man back, dislocating his arm. "You fucking fucker, you are fucking fucked!"

I try to tell Negan that it's okay, but I can't get the words out. I'm not even able to catch my breath, and taking one hurts like a motherfucker. I feel more optimistic when Negan shoves the man inside. That maybe he'd lock him up in the basement or some shit but they both come back outside, followed by some of the other Lieutenants.

"Dwight, Simon, Connor, don't stop until he turns into one of those meat puppets."

"Gladly," Connor simpers.

Negan gets the first kick on this guy and it very well might be the only one he needs to turn. He squats down next to me. "I know you're mad, but he had this coming."

I'll be pissed later, right now I'm just trying to pull in a lung full of air. The dumpy fuck carrying me to the infirmary sure doesn't help. Negan thinks that I'm mad at him, but I'm just in too much pain to retort to his bullshit right now. My eyes shift over to the doctor when I hear music to my fucking ears. Pain pills rattling in the plastic tube. Not just any pain pills. The fucking velvet painting of all pills. **Dilaudid**. Those little white beauties. Gimmie! I swallow it before he comes to his senses. Right on time as he gives me the look of _oh shit_. I flash him a smile because there's not a goddamn thing he's going to do knowing how much shit he'd be in if Negan found out he gave me pain pills. Don't worry, motherfucker. I won't say anything.

"What'd you give her that for?"

Oh damn, he is pissed.

"One will be fine, Sir."

"No goddamn more. You don't enable a drug addict."

"But I'm in real pain." I push my bottom lip up.

"Shut the fuck up, RM. Can she leave?"

This time, Negan really does have to carry me. That reminds me. I'm still mad at him for killing that Savior. Though it's made quite clear that he's mad at me for leaving his room in the first place, and I'm punished for it by all this bullshit school work fuckery. Damn, so much for laying around while my ribs heal.

* * *

Ugh, I feel like shit today.

"You look like shit, bitch." Negan sets his belt with his knife on his table.

If I could reach that motherfucker, I'd lop my own hand off to free myself from these restraints to find some pills. Yeah, yeah, I fucking know, believe me, but I'm having a hard day!

He touches my face. "What's wrong?" When I don't respond, he gets concerned and uncuffs me.

"Do you wanna fuck around?"

"Fuck yes," he pants, throwing Lucille to the bed before ridding his jacket.

I'm quick to undress down to my beauties before he gets suspicious. "Oh, fine. I want a hit so fucking bad. I'm miserable."

He sighs, zipping up his pants. "You're going to have those days."

"I hate being sober!"

"No, you don't. You've worked too fucking hard, RM and I'm not going to let you throw it away."

"Please, you can fuck me-"

"Stop it!"

"Anything, please! I thought you wanted to fuck me-"

Negan reaches back and, with one punch, I'm out.

...

When I open my eyes, Negan is pulling off my stockings. "My beauties! No, my beauties!"

Negan curls his fingers around my neck, pinning me down. "You think some motherfucker is going to give a fuck about your stockings?"

"You're hurting me!"

"Bitch, you don't even know pain. Pain is when one of these fucks forces his way into your dry cunt because you want to whore that pussy rather than get clean! You're fucking pathetic!" He walks over to the fire place.

"Fuck you! Get your fucking hands off them! They don't like to be touched by men!"

He holds them close to the fire.

"No! No, no, no, fuck you, fuck you!"

"Bitch, if you ever mention shooting up again, I will make you watch as they go up in flames. Do you understand me?"

"Try it, bitch, and guess who's going in that fucking fire right behind them? Yeah, motherfucker, that's right."

"Did you just threaten Lucille?"

"Yeah, you piece of shit!"

Negan shoves the stockings in the fire.

"No," I shrill, "no! You're hurting them!" I dive towards the fire.

"You fucking crazy bitch!" He shoves me against his bed.

Crazy? He wants fucking crazy? I hurl this fucking baseball bat at the fireplace.

"No," he bellows reaching right in and pulling her out. "What have you done?" He drops to his knees, cradling the fucking thing. "Her skin! Her beautiful skin!"

"You burned my beauties alive, you fuck! Fuck her!"

He drags me back to my pallet by my hair.

"I hate you! I'll never forgive you for killing them."

"You think you're going to threaten Lucille? You think you're going to take her from me?!" Negan binds my wrists together, then cuffs me to the metal bar so I can't move.

"That's too tight!"

"No one is taking her from me again! You fucking come near her and I'll kill you!" Negan swings her right in front of my face. "You weak bitch, fucking try it. She'll take you the fuck out!"

"Fuck you, dick head!"

"Fuck you, you stupid druggie whore." Negan spits on me before leaving his room.

...

The restraint is turning my fingers purple. That's not even my biggest concern. I'm vulnerable without my beauties. My hips and inner thighs show all the scars from dirty fingernails that have dug in my skin to keep me still. I eventually learned if I didn't fight them, her boyfriends didn't hurt me as much.

 _Aren't you a peach, baby girl?_

I sniff up my nose, using my shoulder to rid my tears. Don't you fucking cry, RM. I promised myself that after the first one, I'd never cry again. I tense up, jerking my hips when I actually feel a hand touch my hip. "No," I whimper.

"RM." Despite earlier, Negan's voice is a welcome relief. His knife wiggles against the restraint, setting me free.

My fingers are so numb, but quickly return to their color. I push myself up in a sitting position. "Will you look away from me, please?" I'm vulnerable like this.

"Here." He sets my beauties down on my lap. "I burned a pair of Sherry's because I wanted to show you the consequences that come with acting like a whore. These men aren't going to care about a pair of fucking nylons." He's gentle, a trait I didn't know the brute Savior leader possessed as he carefully helps me back in them, making sure to mind the runs and rips so he doesn't make them larger.

I can't describe what it's like to have them back again. To know they are safe and with me. "I'm sorry I burned her skin."

"I'm sorry I made you think I burned yours."

I never thought of my beauties as skin, but he's right. They're even flawed like mine. "Aren't we a bunch of sorry fucks?"

"I didn't mean for shit to get this out of control."

"Is she okay?"

"Just some soot I wiped from her." Negan has a seat on his chair before massaging his brow.

"Can we do affection?"

"Yeah, bitch. We can do affection."

I snake myself around his leg, resting my head on his knee.

"Why do you always do that?"

"I like this affection the best."

"You're not a dog, RM." He picks me up and sets me on his thigh.

Well… I guess this ain't that bad. I like how he's so big, and how I'm so little. That he could ease his arms around me, and I'd practically be invisible. Even on his lap, I have to look up at him.

He stretches his massive limb out, plucking my shirt from the floor. "Not that I don't love seeing those little fried eggs."

"I'll let you look at them a little longer if you want."

He shakes his head no, dressing me. "It ain't right, RM."

"But I said it was okay."

"But it's not okay. Don't you see that?"

I don't understand what he means, but I drop it.

"I wanna see something, okay?"

"See what?" I tug my shirt up some.

"No." He moves it back in place, then his hand trails down to my beauties.

"What," I whine, "what are you doing?"

His finger starts to trace the outline of one of the stars.

"No! I don't like that!" I shove his hand away.

"What do you think about when someone touches them?"

"Just don't do it," I shout.

"Not all affection has to hurt. In fact, that's not affection at all."

"I said no!"

He pulls me back as I start to get off his lap.

"Stop squishing me!"

"Bitch, I'm hugging you."

I let out a defeated sigh and go limp in his arms. "I hate this."

"You just never had it before."

"Well, it's dumb."

"Get used to it."

I pout, burying my face against his chest. "How much longer," my muffled voice asks.

"I haven't decided. Restitution for touching Lucille."

At least he smells nice. Goddammit. Goddamn him. I hate thinking nice things about the dumpy fuck.

"You comfortable, bitch?"

"No."

"Good," he chuckles, stretching his left leg out some. "See? Isn't this nice?"

"There are hardly words." He can laugh it up all he wants, because I guess the truth is that I'm not as miserable as I'm acting. As long as he's not touching my beauties. Maybe this is something I might be able to get used to one day. I use the word might loosely. I ain't telling him that. That stupid smug grin fills more than half his face as is.

"You checking me out?"

I jerk away from him as disgust fills my face. "No! The fuck are you talking about?"

"I seen that look before."

"There was no look." Shit, was there a look? No, of course not! "You're making shit up."

"You want me."

"Bitch, you wouldn't even know what to do with this precious pearl if I sat on your face."

"Let's fucking find out."

"Right here?"

"Or the floor."

"Well, the bed seems more comfort- wait a fucking minute! Stop using your pervert mind powers on me!"

"Welp." He tucks his hands behind his head. "You're free to go back to your pallet any time. I'm going to go see dumb and dumber."

"I thought we were doing affection?"

"Nah, I'm bored with that fuckery. The only affection I want is a pair of lips around my cock."

Shit, I was kinda starting to enjoy this. Now he's leaving? "Wait." I push him back some by his chest and get to my feet. "If I don't like your mouth there, you're going to stop, right?"

"Of course I'd stop. Are you really considering what I think you are?"

I shrug my shoulders some. Here goes nothing I guess.

Dingus here is so excited, he even helps me up on the bed before getting to his knees. "Inch over to the edge some."

"What do I do with my feet?"

He situates them on his shoulders.

"I feel like a thanksgiving turkey, and don't even fucking say how you're going to stuff me full."

"Are you done fucking talking?"

"I guess I'm just a little nervous."

"Your legs are around my head. We're kinda past that point."

"Okay. Okay." I snap my eyes shut. "I'm ready."

I can feel his hot breath nearing as he lets out several snickers.

"Negan, you left Lucille in the bathro- oh," Sherry flushes. "Oh, god, I'm sorry!"

What the fucking shit?! He didn't lock the goddamn door?

"Close the goddamn door, Sherry!"

I hurry away from Negan embarrassed and back to my pallet. Shit. No more affection. Ever! Leave that dumpy fuck alone, RM!

* * *

I wake to the strangest noise.

Negan is changing the wire on Lucille as he hums her a song.

Shit! I roll over and pretend to be asleep.

"You awake?" After the third time he asks, he gives up and goes back to humming.

That's the same song Madsen used to sing to me while I sat at his feet and he brushed my hair. I hated having my hair brushed so singing was the only way to calm me down. I mouth the words to the song Negan is humming... If I didn't care more than words can say. If I didn't care would I feel this way? If this isn't love then why do I thrill…

 _If this isn't love then why do I thrill. And what makes my head go 'round and 'round. While my heart stands still?_

 _Too hard, Madie._

… _that's all you have to say?_

 _I've always been honest about us. I belong to no man, and I sure as fuck don't belong to you._

 _Guess, I just… I don't know what I thought, RM._

My eyes flood at the memory. Madsen was a fool. I can't even love myself. Why the fuck would he think I could love him?

* * *

"What letter is this?"

"T."

"No."

"Uh… T?"

"I just fucking said no."

"Are you sure?"

"RM!"

"Whoa, patience, professor dumpy!"

He lets out a frustrated breath. "It's a C. Like I've told you, the pictures on the card tell you what the letter is."

"Well, that picture tells me it's a fucking trash squirrel. So you're wrong." I thought we were going to have another day where he dramatically spews the cards everywhere.

"You- you're retaining what I'm teaching! In your weird fucking way." He rips a few sheets in several pieces, then starts to draw a bag of Cheetos. "Okay, fuck all that f is for fire engine fucktardery."

"Don't be stealing my shit!"

"Fuckery?"

"As you were, my Lord."

"What letter is this?"

"C."

"Yeah," he smiles. "Okay, what about this one?"

My beauties! "B."

"Yes, fucking, yes. I knew you could do this! Let's change it up. You make a flash card."

"No peeking." Madsen was the artist, not me, but I try my best to doodle this fucking baseball bat. Even adding her wire. Then write L at the top. "Okay."

"Lucille," he smiles.

"No." I shake my head. "Love."

His lips part, as his eyebrows start to raise. It's that look that could bring anyone to their knees. "Keep… keep making the cards," his brittle voice instructs before he hurries from the room with the paper and Lucille in his hand.

Now, I don't fucking believe in all that romantic love bullshit, but I do believe that if it exists what Negan had with this Lucille girl is it. Anyway, what the fuck does aliens start with? "Aliens." Hmm. Another L word. Wasted it on love. Damn.

...

I've spent for-goddamn-fucking-ever looking for Negan. There's a spot out back where the woodshed is. I find him tucked away with his back to the shed facing the chain link fence. His knees are up, and Lucille is cradled in his arms as he rests his cheek against the wire. In his left hand is the flash card I made that he's clinging tightly to. I know I'm not supposed to see this fucker that vulnerable, but I'm not turning back now. I've spent too long looking for him.

His eyes are glazed over, and heavy-lidded.

I sit between his legs and rub the back of his arm like he does for me. It's probably pointless with that thick leather.

"Are you showing me …affection?"

"Yes."

He moves his face a bit from the wire so it's not sinking into his skin.

I try to rid the blood, but I just end up smearing it and getting it all over my fingers.

"Good thing I just changed her wire out," he chuckles nervously.

I don't know why I fucking say it. It sure as shit isn't because I feel obligated. This is something that I can do for him that I have never done for anyone else before. Let him in. "I lost someone close to me, too. Overdose."

"Every time you give me a little piece of you, it's fucking tragic."

"I hate that you see it that way instead of realizing that I'm giving you a little piece of me."

The corner of his lip tugs upward. "Yeah, bitch, you're right."

"Duh."

"You gonna let me go diving for that pearl any time soon?"

"Hell no, keep your snorkel away from me."

Negan bellows out a laugh so hard tears well up in his eyes.

I don't know what's so fucking funny. I ain't joking.

* * *

Dwight carved me a dozen of these cute miniature aliens. Even miniature by my standard. I painted them all green except for one. An orange one because that's me. "Ack ack ack ack. Take us to the Cheeto Queen."

Negan snorts.

I spin around as water sloshes from the tub.

"Don't stop on my account. Something to watch while I take a shit."

I hold out the orange one to him. "Here, you can be the Queen."

"I ain't no fucking Queen."

"Are you kidding me? I can see your flesh furnace from here."

"The fuck, RM? Where do you come up with this shit?"

"I dunno, it's a gift or something," I shrug. I knock all the aliens in the water. "Ack ack ack ack, we're drowning. The Cheeto Queen will save you! Psshhh psshhh ack ack ack ack."

"How long have you been dicking around in here?"

I look over my wrinkled fingers. "Debatable."

"You actually bathe yet, stinky?"

"I already washed the good parts since that's what you're really asking."

"Damn. Isn't that water fucking freezing?"

"I'm used to it."

"Well, I'm gonna go launch this meat missile. Wanna get some dinner in a bit?"

I salute him bye, my eyes following him out of the bathroom. My oasis is ruined by his obnoxious moaning. Ugh, I don't know why he acts like that. Over the fucking top and like it's his first time to ever slam the clam.

...

Negan eyes my outfit over displeased. "Just so you know, none of that shit turns me on."

"Wait a minute. You mean to tell me I get to wear what I want and I don't get your fat chubby all pressed against me? Fuck yeah!"

"You know, you're a real bitch sometimes."

"No, I'm fucking honest, but because I'm a woman, I'm called a bitch for it. It's a fucking double standard. Just like when everyone calls me a whore for doing the same thing that any one of these fuckers do on a daily basis. Including you."

"There is no doubt in my mind that I'm a whore."

"I shoulda gone to bed." This dumpy bitch takes my hand like I'm going to bolt. Well, that's what I thought, but he moves me close to him, even puffing his chest out a bit. I realize right quick it's because of the shady fucks standing in one of the hallways. "You think they would really try something if I were by myself?"

"I **know** they would."

I grip his sweaty skin tighter. Or maybe it was my hand that was sweating. The attention of those men ain't the only thing I attract. Being by Negan's side means having everyone else kiss your ass. I know I give Negan a lot of shit for people kneeling, but the truth is, Madsen and his friends Dominic and Cheeto worshiped me, too. They held me at such an imposing standard. I guess I just always hated being treated like that and, in some weird way, take that anger out on Negan. It's shitty, I know.

Negan snaps his fingers and within seconds the table becomes his own personal buffet.

Shit, I don't like any of this food! I hate the cafeteria at dinner time because it upsets my stomach. It's rather gross to watch people eat. Most everyone uses their fingers. Plastic wear isn't really something that we have a luxury of anymore, and is usually only saved for the Lieutenants anyhow. Thank god for my gloves. After two tomato slices, I've had enough.

"Keep shoveling. I want your plate empty."

"I'm sorry, what? Could you swallow your fucking food first so you don't spit it on me?"

"Yeah, I could. Eat, RM."

Asshole. I try and push the food around so it looks like I've made an impression, but he's not buying it.

"I ain't gonna fucking tell you again."

"Please, can we just not fight?"

"You gotta eat, RM."

"I don't like this food!"

He sighs, and sets his fork down. Negan mumbles something at one of the girls before they hurry off.

"Can we go back now?"

"No."

"Here, Sir."

Negan sets one of the things down on my plate the girl has given him. "These are grapes."

Grapes? Heh. "They kinda look like alien heads."

"It's alien food."

"No foolin'? Okay, I'll try it." Oh, it's fucking delicious! "I like grapes."

"You can't eat a lot at once, or you'll shit your pants." Negan loosens the top on a jar, before digging something out of it. "These are green olives."

Yes, more alien food!

He skins the peeling off the next food. "This is an avocado."

"Whoa." It's like as big as my hand.

"It has a seed in the middle you can't eat. Give it to the girls when you're done so we can plant more."

"Okay, I like all these foods." I clear my plate which is an accomplishment for me. The only bad thing is none of them tasted good with Cheetos.

"I'm real fucking proud of you, RM."

"Thank you, dumpy."

"Any time, stinky."

* * *

I've had this headache for days. Nothing is helping it.

"You were in that same spot when I left this morning. Let's go for a walk."

I'm sluggish to follow him and don't make it past the first bedpost. I sway almost losing my balance. The fuck?

He tilts his head to the side some, then his eyes widen.

I touch my fingers to my upper lip. Shit! Blood leaks down my fingers and arm. Goddamn, there's so fucking much of it.

"No, no, tilt your head down so the blood doesn't run down your throat."

"It's fine, man. I got this." My ridding the blood on my pants trick doesn't work with him. In fact, I've never seen Negan like this before. "Whoa, dumpy!"

He flees through the parlor with me and down the steps to the infirmary. Negan holds my bloody hand while the doctor looks me over. He's not grossed out to have my nose blood on him? What is wrong with him? He looks so fucking distraught.

"It's more than likely a side effect of her using over the years."

"Check her again," Negan orders.

"Sir, it's-"

"Check her again, goddammit!"

Ow, he's hurting me from how tight he's holding my hand. What the fuck is going on? I get nose bleeds all the time. Sometimes I forget Negan was an addict so he should know that it happens. His concern is kinda freaking me out.

"Do you pick your nose?"

"What? No, I don't pick my goddamn nose." I shove the doctor away. "The fuck kinda question is that, man?"

"If you can't do your goddamn job, I'll find someone who can!"

"Even if she's not using, she can still have nose bleeds. It could also be high blood pressure, or-"

"What about Leukemia?"

What the shit is that?

"There's always a slight chance."

"Ow, dumpy, not so hard." I can't take the pain anymore, and his vice grip is only tightening! "Dumpy, that hurts!" I try to pry my hand from his. "You said doing affection didn't hurt!"

"Sir?"

Negan blinks twice and releases my hand. "I'm sorry," he mouths, grabbing my elbow instead. "How do we treat her if it's Leukemia?" His eyes focus on the medicine cabinet.

"Sir, that's very unlikely."

"Yeah, I've heard that before," he murmurs.

"Get some rest," the doctor informs me.

Negan watches the doctor with hostility until we're left alone. "Do you feel tired?"

"My head hurts."

"What else?"

"I'm a little hungry." I'm carted around again only this time we stop at the supply closet. Negan holds me with one arm, using his other to gather up Cheetos and olive jars, placing them in my lap. Hot Cheetos, yes! I expected for him to put me on my pallet, but I'm actually placed in his bed. Not that I'm complaining. It's the most comfortable thing I've ever been in.

"Here, let me help you." Negan holds the glove out as I wiggle my fingers in them. "Do you want me to hold the bag?"

"No, I can put it on my lap."

"What do you need from me?"

Goddamn, it's a fucking nose bleed and he's acting like I'm going to fucking die or some stupid shit from it. This was only the fucking beginning. The fucker didn't even go to sleep last night. He scooted his chair up to the bed and held my hand. The following day was even more annoying. Not that I care about being naked, but this fucker doesn't leave my side even while I'm taking a bath.

"Scoot up some." He pours the boiling water into the tub, moving the water around some to even the temperature.

Oh, hell yes, damn this is fucking nice. I never wanna leave this bath.

He drops my aliens in the water. "Do you want me to be the Cheeto queen?"

"No. I just want to enjoy the water."

"Tell me when you need more." He filled up my bath two more times. Shit, he wouldn't leave my side that day even when I had to pee! This is getting a little redundant.

* * *

Negan hasn't slept in three days. He's goddamn delirious at this point talking about ninjas and broadswords as he starts to stoop over onto the bed. I know he loses it once he starts petting my hand. His heavy eyes finally start to give. "You're gonna fucking beat this. Okay? Okay, Lucille?"

Lucille? "What? I'm RM!"

He snores heavily with a slight twitch in his shoulders every now and then.

I run my fingers in his hair as it situates out of place. I've never seen it messy. Heh, he looks like a little boy like this- Oh, god. It all makes sense now. This is how Lucille died. In some way, he's recreated his final days with her. He's scared my bloody nose is something more. So that means Lucille is the one he lost to cancer. I frown stilling my hand. "I'm sorry, dumpy."

* * *

Today was the first time in four that I'm left alone. I take advantage of not having him up my leather cheerio and take care of some business. Only, he wasn't gone that long. So, uh… This is fucking embarrassing. I've never been caught pleasuring myself.

Dingus here is already at full mass. "Need any help?"

"Not from you!"

"Well, can I watch?"

"I'm sorta not in the mood anymore."

"Shit. I knew I should have stayed back at the door. What were you thinking about?"

"About what it felt like when a real man made love to me. Didn't pull my hair, or slap my ass. Told me I was beautiful. And he always made sure I came first."

"Are you sure you ain't talking about another woman? Awww, no, come on, RM, don't put on your shorts."

"Get off me!"

"I can be real gentle."

"That word's not even in your vocabulary-" Oh. This motherfucker. He knew exactly what he was doing, touching his lips to my stomach as he worked his way up. "Stop."

He sighs heavily against my skin, pulling my shirt down.

"I don't know why you're disappointed. You have five other options-"

"I don't want them! I want you."

Don't you fucking fall for this bullshit. Damn, he's fucking hard. It would be a shame to waste that. Maybe I could get him to smoke?

"What was Madsen like?"

There goes my lady boner. If only he'd shut his fucking mouth once in a goddamn while. "Fuck yo-"

"Look, I ain't trying to fight with you, bitch. I'm being serious. You are obviously not fucking alright. Talk to me about it."

"Like you'd fucking tell me about Lucille if I asked."

"She died of cancer."

I knew it. "Fuck."

"It happened like that." He demonstrates with the snap of his fingers.

"Was she in a lot of pain?"

He's clammed up again.

I hate that my suspicion was right about her. He was so fucking frantic for those few days, like he was reliving her passing. I don't know personally what he's going through, but I have lost someone close to me. I sigh, pulling on one of the loose strings of my blanket. "Madsen is the one I said died from the overdose."

"I didn't expect that."

Really? God, he's dense. Especially with all the times I let shit slip.

"How did you meet him?"

"My mom owed him drug money."

"I figured he was a mechanic, not slinging dope."

"He was both. He owned his own bike shop and used the shop to launder his drug money."

"What did he look like?"

"Like a guy."

"Try again."

"Okay, okay," I sigh. "He... looks... like you. He looks **exactly** like you."

"Yeah fucking right."

"I'm serious. Butthole chin and all."

Negan just stares back at me owl eyed.

"Well, there are a few differences. He wasn't hairy like you are. His stomach... fuck me. Just this solid rock hard slab-"

"RM, I'm not trying to fuck him."

"Well, you're missing out."

"Anyway!"

"He was a little shorter than you, maybe like three or four inches shorter. Deep blue fuck me eyes."

"So let me get this straight. This guy that you're sitting here flicking your bean to looks exactly like me yet you won't fuck me? And you say you're not attracted to me because I have some chest hair? That makes no goddamn sense, RM."

"No, dumpy, it doesn't. Not to you. Because sex to you is meaningless. Hypothetically, say you and I were fucking. Romantic fucking as opposed you just empting into me. How would you feel knowing I'm attracted to you because you look like someone I used to fuck? You'd always have that self-conscious jealousy the only reason we're together is because I'm trying to fulfil some twisted fuck fantasy."

"Well... that's a pretty goddamn good reason I guess." Negan lets out a disappointed sigh, and plops down on the edge of his bed. "I thought you were fucking with me when you said you weren't attracted to me."

"You shouldn't take that shit so fucking personal."

"That's easy for you to say. You're not ugly."

"I don't know man, I mean, you're not ugly as fuck. You're just not good looking."

"Well... what is it about me?"

"Everything. Looks, personality, just you being in this room. Your body hair."

"So, it's me."

"Yep. I believe that's what I just said."

"I could shave my head?"

"Don't fucking shave. You'll look like an even bigger dickhead than you do now." Damn, he's fucking taking this shit so personal. "I ain't trying to hurt your feelings."

"You ain't that good looking either!"

Oh, Jesus, he just said I wasn't ugly. Here comes the _I'm butthurt so I'm going to insult you tantrum_.

"You're too goddamn skinny. You have no tits. You're fucking pale as shit, and your hair is a ratted blonde mess."

"My hair is fucking awesome I'll have you know."

"And what's wrong with your face? Damn, I thought it was the drugs, but you just look coked out of your goddamn mind with your droopy eyes."

"Bitch, I might be."

He gives me a breathed laugh, and rubs his nape. "So, what else about this other man that isn't me, but is me."

"He was a smoker."

"That's why you wanted me to smoke that night."

"...sorry," I murmur.

"Why do you think I had you put on that lingerie?"

"Do I look like Lucille, too?"

"No. You don't look anything like her. She was tall, where you're the shortest person I've ever met. A brunette with green eyes. Goddamn, she was fucking mean, too. Not like you. You'd never hurt anyone." There's a bit of sadness in his smirk.

I pick myself up off the floor, and sit next to him. "I do like your hair better than Madsen's."

"Shut up, bitch," he laughs.

"No, I'm serious. You take real nice care of it, so please don't shave it."

"You wanna hold onto it while I fuck you?"

"I'd rather hold onto it while drowning you."

"Yeah, you do get wet," he snickers.

"Well played, bitch."

"I got that white lingerie still."

"You won't smoke for me."

"If it means sliding my churro between those ripped stockings I will."

"Fine. Where's that lingerie?"

He was so excited to fuck me, he trips twice trying to turn off all the oil lamps. The last thing to go is the burning embers stomped out by his gigantic boots. He almost knocks me over running to the couch. "Come on, come on!"

I'm trying to get this itchy shit on, which I don't know the fucking point since he can't see it in the dark. Whatever, I'm not complaining. I inhale the newly lit cigarette smoke as my eyes roll back in my head. In the dark like this, I've created the closest parallel to Madsen I'll ever get. Just the faint smell of motor grease is the only thing missing. I ease myself slowly on top, letting him fill me completely.

"Yeah, bitch, I told you that pussy was drip-"

"Negan, shut the fuck up! Honestly, do you really think that I wanna hear that shit? Don't open that gaping hole unless it's to put the cigarette in it."

"Fucking sorry, damn."

"Ow, man, watch it! You almost burned me."

"I can't see anything. It's pitch black."

It's not about seeing anything. It's about feeling it. Being so in tandem you just know where the other person is."

That is the sappiest shit I've ever fucking heard."

"Just fucking forget it." I stand up, turning back up the oil lamp and snatching what's left of the cigarette.

"Come on, RM."

"Look, you ain't Madsen and I ain't Lucille, so we should stop fooling ourselves. We gonna fuck with the lights off every time? You gonna pick up smoking and I'll dye my hair? Whatever, man."

"Are you crying?"

"No, I don't cry."

"You didn't squirt out any tears when he died?"

"No. I haven't cried since I was a kid. From that day I said I'd never cry again. That I'd never let anyone make me feel like that."

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Yeah fucking right."

"You ain't always forthcoming about shit, and I don't bust your balls for it. Get off my tits. "

"Heh, you said coming."

I laugh and shake my head at him. "What about you? Did you cry when she died?"

"Yeah, I guess. Yeah. I remember feeling so fucking alone in that empty hospital room. She was gone and in a way I died, too. It broke me."

"You're not broken."

"I am."

"A lost boy, yeah, but not broken. That's a tough thing to go through. Makes you question everything. You start thinking maybe there's more you could have done, or even blaming yourself."

"What do you know, bitch? Did you have to watch Madsen become frail? Lose his fucking hair? Clean up his bloody pillow?"

"No, motherfucker, I didn't. I went to sleep, and when I woke up, he was fucking gone. Gone like he got abducted. I didn't even get to say goodbye! I was all alone in that fucking cold trailer. Then I had to hear a couple days later from Mama that Madsen had overdosed with the needle still in his arm."

"You got off easy. I watched Lucille turn into one of those fucking things."

"You wanna fucking sit here and play whose dick is bigger, fine. You win."

"I'm not trying to belittle his death but I feel no fucking remorse for your junkie boyfriend that couldn't keep a goddamn needle out of his arm. He brought that shit on himself. Lucille was a good person. She didn't deserve what happened to her."

"Just because Madsen did drugs don't make him a bad person. Where the fuck do you get off? Madsen could have easily been you, you self-righteous fuck. If you were anything like the husband you are now, no wonder she fucking checked out. I sure the fuck wouldn't fight through the cancer knowing my man is putting his dick in other bitches."

"I was faithful to her after I found out!"

"Do you ever listen to yourself? Or do you just love the sound if your voice so much, you don't care what slithers from it."

Negan becomes a complete deadpan, before his eyes well up. "I fucked this woman after I found out she had cancer."

"Yeah, well, that doesn't fucking surprise me."

"You're no goddamn better! Fucking every Savior you can for your next hit."

"I'm done with this fucktardery. You're so goddamn insecure you chastise me for the same fucking shit you're doing. Fuck you, Negan." I'd slap this bitch if it was in my nature, but instead I return to my pallet. I bring my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms tight around my legs. He's making me question bullshit I don't like. It's not that I don't miss Madsen. I'd give anything to see him again. I just don't get emotional about shit that's sad. It is what it is, you know? I sigh heavily against my knees. So why do I feel so fucking shitty? Shit, I hate being sober! It's so hard. I start to throw myself back, but dumpy here comes up behind me.

"Come on, let's get you back in your clothes."

"I just want my beauties." This motherfucker actually helps me get undressed out of this stupid lingerie. I lean back, extending my legs out. Like the times he's done it before, it feels... nice. Nice having him slide the sheer fabric up my legs. I'm freed from that itchy restricting lace corset.

Negan eyes my naked flesh shamefully. "I lied."

"About?"

"When I said you weren't good looking."

"Really? I couldn't tell by your fat fucking denim chubby."

"You look real fuckable tonight, RM."

"What, no bitch comment?"

"I thought it would better help my chances getting in your stockings."

"Are you actually putting in effort to fuck me?"

"I'll make sure you come first."

"No shit, you romantic fuck?"

"Uh huh," he murmurs against my neck, stretching over me. A knock at his door stops him before he even starts. "Goddammit, what? I'm fucking busy." I watch the veins protrude in his neck. His lip snarling in disgust. He is really pissed that he's being interrupted. Negan pulls his jacket from his bed, putting it over me before he goes to his door to finish the conversation.

What's wrong with me? He's not Madsen. Not even fucking close.

"Are you seriously fucking bothering me with that? Get the fuck out!" The door is slammed in the Saviors' face. Negan pours himself a drink and sinks down on his bed.

I'm relieved he's not making any more awkward advances on me.

"Is Madsen the reason you started doing drugs?"

"I did them before I met him."

"I've never told anyone this shit before. When she died, I thought about jumping out the goddamn window and ending it fucking all."

"I wanted to do all the drugs in the world so Madsen and I'd be together again. At least he didn't have to be around for this shit though."

"Yeah, I told her that same thing. I knew she was dead, but I didn't want to accept it."

"Damn, we kinda got a lot in common."

"I know I was harsh with you. I guess I just saw how I could have very well been you if not for Lucille and I didn't want that for you, RM."

"Will you do that thing with your hand on my back?"

His lip tugs upward. "Come here, bitch."

I turn my back to him, but he locks his arms around me before taking me captive in his bed.

Normally, I'd fight this shit. I only fight to be closer and roll over to face him.

"Anytime you want some of this hard candy in your cock pocket, you let me know."

I throw my head back with a cackle. His mouth would fucking ruin this, but I don't mind. "No you did not, bitch." There's that funny motherfucker I remember.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N If you didn't watch last week's episode, the last scene is a spoiler from it. Kind of. I guess.**

* * *

 _ **Pariah**_ _(n.) A person without status. A rejected member of society. An outcast._

* * *

"Stinky, wake the fuck up. I got something for you." Negan hands me a pair of hot pink roller skates.

"Sweet Barbara no foolin'?!"

"Don't break your goddamn neck, RM, or I'm going to fucking kick your ass."

My beauties don't match with these skates, so I try just some plain black stockings. Yeah, this is real fucking nice. I feel real good about this decision. "Don't be trying to rub that green bean on these beauties while I'm gone or I'll fucking know."

"How'd you know stockings were a fetish of mine?"

I don't know if he's fucking joking, so I carefully roll them and hide them in my pocket before skating for the door.

"Are you going to tie those?"

"Out of the way, dump-osaurus rex!" Okay, so, not my most graceful attempt at getting down the first set of steps, but I manage.

"What the fuck am I seeing, blondie," Connor laughs.

"Believe it, bitch!" The next set of steps is a fucking disaster, and if not for Connor, I might have broken my neck after all.

He carries me down to the bottom step, though it comes with a price.

"Here, one cigarette for each set of steps."

"You still doing that sober shit?"

"Yeah. It's a fuckshow. I hate it." I light his cigarette for him.

"Is that my shirt?"

"Yep. It looks better on me." I give him a weaselish laugh before skating off. "Thanks for the lift, bitch!" Damn, I feel invincible on these. There's a long corridor that I skate down where the concrete isn't that rough. I love the walls in Sanctuary. They're defaced, used, and plastered with insults. It shows me that even though it might not be much to look at, it still serves a purpose. That maybe, one day, I'd be useful, too. My laces wind around the wheels and I trip, sliding across the concrete on my knees. Oh, god, fuck, why?! I cradle my bloody knee.

"That sucks." Simon tugs at my ripped stocking.

"No," I scream, shoving him back.

"I-" He stares back open mouthed at me.

"They don't like men to touch them!" I was sure he'd run off and leave me. Just like everyone always does. I'm too fucking weird to have to deal with, so people pretend I don't exist. No one stops and thinks that I didn't make myself this way. I didn't just wake up one morning and decide, you know, I think I'll create this lifestyle that's so way beyond the fucking realm of normal, not even I can understand it. Then people wonder why I fucking do drugs. At least on the drugs I was a funny bitch. Now I'm just a bitch.

"I'm sorry for touching them."

I'm sorry for yelling at you. Pathetic. I can't even bring myself to say it to the one person that's been nice to me. Simon would have fit well in my group. Back when things actually made sense, and people cared about me. Madsen dies and everything falls to fuck.

"You okay, friend? Don't cry."

I can't tell him I'm not crying, or I might just let loose what I've held back all these years. God fucking help the poor soul that I do unleash this shit storm on. "Do you have any coke?" I slam my eyes shut. No, RM! No!

"No, but I can get you some-"

"The soda, not the drug," I lie. I hate lying. What a fucking cowardice trait. Fuck. I don't want to face Negan, just because I don't want to hear the fucker tell me he was right.

Simon helps me back to the parlor, setting me down in Negan's armchair. "Sorry, Sir. I couldn't get to her in time to catch her before she fell."

Why is he apologizing to Negan? It's not his fault.

Negan folds his arms in disapproval. "RM, what did I fucking tell-"

"Shut the fuck up! I don't need your judgmental fuckery right now!"

"Bitch, I will-"

I throw my roller skate at Negan. "What was that, bitch?"

Simon slowly starts to inch towards the door.

Don't leave me alone with this dumpy shit head!

Negan yells at me for so long, I start to forget about the pain in my knee.

I have this great ability to shut people off completely and start playing a movie in my head. People always think that daze look is because I'm high as a kite, but that's just me. In my own world. It's better there.

There's a soft knock on the door that breaks my concentration.

"What?" Negan barks.

Oh, fuck me. That soda. Negan is going to be-

"Fucking seriously with this shit, RM?" Negan takes it from Simon and hurls it across the room. "You're going to clean that shit up." Negan pulls Simon back by his shirt. "Not you. Get out."

"Yes, Sir."

"Don't be fucking mean to him because you threw a goddamn soda across the room like a fucking child having a tantrum." I thought I was going to fucking bleed to death before the two of us resolved shit, but once we're alone, the dumpy dickhead drops his tough guy bullshit and out comes the caretaker. "Fuuuuuck, it hurts!"

"Don't be such a titty baby, Jesus. It's a skinned knee."

"I'm sober, dingus! Things are a little more intense!"

"I told you not to play fucking roller derby in Sanctuary."

"You just **always** gotta be right."

"And you just **always** gotta have the last word."

* * *

"On the scale." Negan grunts displeased at the number. "72. RM, are you eating at every meal?"

"I try to at least pick at the food."

"The doctor said you're 4 foot 10, which means you need to be at least 89 lbs."

"How much do you weigh?"

"265."

"I think a lot of that is body hair."

"Bullshit, RM. Damn, why do you always give me shit about that?"

"Because it's weird you have hair on your chest, and down by your belly in that line."

"I know that you have Madsen as your basis for comparison, but I'm telling you right now, dudes without chest hair is weird."

My eyes drift to the side some. Damn, Madsen was so fine. Fucking damn shame.

"Oh, god, I've seen that look before. Stop it, unless you're going to let me do something about it."

"Fine. So where were we?"

"Go to my room and have a seat. I'm going to get us some food, and you're going to fucking eat it."

Shit. I doubt that means he's getting me alien food.

...

"Look, a replica of your kidney tickler." I wave the small sausage at him.

"Must be, you refuse to put it in your mouth."

"How do they make sausage?"

He gives me the most maniacal chuckle.

I smack him in the cheek with the sausage.

"The fuck?! Stop, and sit fucking down!" He wipes the grease from his face. "It's meat that's been shoved inside a synthetic casing or intestine."

"Animal fat crammed into a casing? Gross."

"I'm gonna cram my synthetic casing in you."

I take a large obnoxious bite of the sausage. "Try it, bitch." Oh, wow. This shit ain't half bad!

"You know, most people don't sit on the fucking table to eat."

"Blah, blah, bl-" I inhale my food wrong and choke.

Negan bellows a laugh, throwing himself back in the armchair.

"Fuck you, man, I could have fucking choked to death."

"Yeah, choking on sausage would be way too classy of a way for someone like you to go."

"You wish I'd choke on your sausage."

"If I shave my chest for you, will you give me some head?"

"If I'm putting that anywhere near my mouth, it's gotta be good."

"I would go to every store within a fifty mile radius and get you stockings if it means having your mouth around my synthetic casing."

"You should do that anyway because I'm a motherfucking Queen."

"You are hardly a fucking Queen."

"Bitch, Madsen always treated me like I was his Queen. Shit, he used to cut my food up for me and feed it to me. He'd brush my hair after he bathed me. I got foot rubs, back rubs. And you better fucking believe his eyes never wandered to another sausage wallet."

"Sounds like he was your slave."

"I never asked that he do any of that."

Negan slams the door behind him.

Whatever, at least I got out of that shit.

* * *

I watch Amber as she changes out Negan's bedding.

"Can I help you, RM?"

"I was just curious."

"Who doesn't know how to make a bed?"

"I'm sorry I threatened your dog. That wasn't right of me."

"Leave me alone."

Yeah. Sure. I lower my eyes, and start trying to make words out of these letter magnets Negan got me. Fuck, this is harder than I thought. I have my tabloid that I use to try and match the letters, but there's only one of each letter, so that's out. If I don't make at least ten words by the time Negan gets home, he's going to make the rest of the evening miserable and I've been having a hard enough time lately. I don't need any more reason to start using again. "Could you help me spell my name?"

"No."

Shit. I swat the letters and roll over on my pallet so my back is to her. Fuck it. This is impossible. Guess I'm getting bitched at tonight. This handcuff is starting to leave an impression in my wrist. It hurts, so I scoot it down my arm some.

"Here," Amber whispers.

I roll over to find her leaving the room, but she's put down the two letters to spell my name. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

I know my name is RM, but I've never seen it spelled out before. Where's that pen? I want to write it down so I won't forget it. Well, one word down. Nine to go.

* * *

I know by now what that stupid look on Negan's face means, but thankfully he doesn't talk about all the ways he just fucked one of his wives.

He plops down in his armchair, scratching his balls. "I could go for some KFC right now."

"What's that?"

"Kentucky fried chicken."

"Ugh, gross. Fried chicken is fucking disturbing as a motherfucker."

"How is fried chicken disturbing?"

"Because, dingus, think about it. Like really fucking think about it. You take the adult chicken and you dip it in the egg which is their babies."

"Well, at least they'll go out together."

"It's genocide."

"That's a little fucking dramatic, RM."

"One time I rode with Madsen out to this chicken farm to do a drug deal. It's fucking sick what they do to those birds, man."

"Are you done squawking? Just the other fucking night you were choking on that sausage."

"Look, I ain't above eating meat. But if you raise an animal for consumption, have a little fucking compassion. Don't let greed come in and strip something of its basic rights for a few extra dollars."

"You know, bitch, that's a real good way to look at things, but I still could go for some fried chicken. I'm going to go see what the girls can scrounge up. Want me to bring you back a few pieces?"

"You're an asshole."

He snickers as he close his bedroom door behind him.

* * *

Whenever Negan lets me off my leash, I get as far as fucking possible from him as I can. There's a ton of Saviors playing some kind of game in the courtyard. I notice Simon and walk over to him.

"Hey, kiddo. You come to watch the game?"

"Nah, I came out here for a smoke. Do you want one?"

"I shouldn't, those are yours."

"It's okay, I don't mind."

"Now that's one more thing I owe you."

"I'm not keeping track of that shit. We're friends."

"Friends?"

"Well, yeah, right?"

"Yeah, okay," he smiles.

"What are they doing?"

"Playing soccer. Well, it's their own version."

Must be why it's so bloody. I don't think I've ever-"No!" My screams echo through the courtyard as I run over to the men playing the game. I wrap my arms around the severed head before it's kicked again. "You sick fucks!" Who fucking kicks around someone's head?!

"What the fuck is this shit?"

"Get out of here, bitch! Unless you want us to use yours."

"No, this is a person!"

Simon shoves one of the Saviors off me, pulling me against him. "Game fucking over," he orders the men.

The dead's head is pulled from my arms as the other men start to play keep away with it.

"Stop! You're hurting him!" I pull away from Simon and try my best to get back the head.

"Stop, you're hurting him," they mock me.

"You fucking pricks!"

"What was that?" The head is dropped and stomped on.

" **No**!" I shove the chode Savior out of the way. "You killed him!" I scoop the remains in my arms. "Look what you did!"

Two Saviors are shoved so hard back, they somersault into the chain link fence. "Game fucking over, or I'm going to start my own. Adding a few fucks to my fence," Negan snaps.

I'm so fucking upset right now. I've never seen such a disgusting display in all my life. It fucking sickens me that all Negan has to do is show up, and those fucks bow down to him, meanwhile I'm pleading for this man's life and they think it's a goddamn joke. I collect a few of his teeth in my other hand before taking him outside the gates.

"RM."

"Leave me alone."

"I know that-"

"You don't know fuck all, man."

"You better watch the way you fucking talk to me."

It pisses me off even more that he's so fucking insecure, he's yelling at me because he doesn't want to be talked to like a bitch in front of his men. "I can't believe you allow this shit!"

"I ain't gonna make excuses for these men, but everyone is dealing with this shit the best way they can. Fuck, I got someone who takes pictures of what's left of people who have fucked us and then he turns around and sells those pictures for points."

"That's more sane than kicking around a human head. All he's doing is documenting the violence. News stations buy that kinda footage all the time, and there's good money in it."

"Come on, let's go inside."

"No. I need to bury him." I cling to the remains tighter.

"No, RM. Now put that shit down and let's go!"

"Fuck you, you can't make me go inside."

"This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Simon, don't leave her side."

I hold the head in one hand, while using my other hand to dig.

"Here, kiddo." Simon sets his knife on the ground.

"Thank you."

Simon never once rushed me, never laughed, or taunted me. He just let me dig. Maybe it was the fear of what Negan might do if he didn't appease me.

I sigh and place the man in the hole. I'm sorry for what they did to you. I close his mangled eye as best as I can before filling the hole back up.

"Maybe not the best time to ask, but do you want the other half of this ding dong?"

"What?"

"The other half."

"I heard what you said. What is a ding dong?"

"Seriously? Now you have to try it."

"No, I don't want to."

"How am I ever going to pay you back?"

"I told you, man. Friends."

"If we're friends, you'll eat my ding dong."

We start to laugh at the same time. It was just what I needed. "I don't touch food with my hands."

"Open wide."

Oh, wow, that is good! "I like your ding dong," I snicker.

"Keep that between us. I like both functioning eyes. Did you know that guy they were playing soccer with?"

I shake my head no.

"You could have got seriously hurt by those men. Why risk your life?"

"It's the right thing to do. Harming others is wrong. I'm not perfect by any means, but sure as fuck don't get pleasure in making someone suffer."

"It's weird not seeing you smile. You're always that light in this dank fucking place." Simon takes a marker from his pocket and doodles a little happy face on my arm.

"Thanks, you cute little Cheeto," I smile.

His mustache stiffens in disapproval, but then he starts to laugh. "That's oddly not the strangest name I've been called. These old geezers I knew a couple years back used to call me Jock Cranley."

I'd hate to tell him all the names I get called.

"Let me take you back, okay?"

If I had all my beauties with me, I'd contemplate running as far away from this place as I could get…

...

When I walk into the parlor, Negan has two of his wives giving him head. I could have gone to his room, but I'm mad at the motherfucker, and I'm about to cock block this bitch. I jump up on the coffee table at his feet and throw up my hands as I start to rap. "I'm a bad bitch, I'm a cunt."

"RM, knock it off!"

"And I'll kick that hoe, punt."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"RM is who you ain't fuckin' with."

"I ain't gonna fucking tell you again!"

"Raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon. Raah, raah, raah, like a dungeon dragon. Like a dungeon dragon, like a dungeon dragon! Raah, ra-"

Negan gets up and takes a hold of the back of my neck as he drags me through the parlor. "We'll see how fucking funny it is here in a minute, bitch."

"Fuck you, you fucking fuckass!"

Negan shoves me in his closet and makes it so I'm not able to get out.

So I do a few hours in the hole. That look on his stupid face was well fucking worth it.

...

I see he's come to his senses, only when the door opens it's mother Sherry.

"He's gone, you can come out."

"You're going to get in trouble if he finds out."

"Fuck him. I thought you cock blocking him was fucking hilarious. He never could get a stiffy after that."

You know, I think I might be starting to like this bitch.

"Come on, let's get all this blood off you." She extends out her hand.

"Is this a trick?"

"No. Negan told me why you were all bloody. I'm glad you stand up for yourself, RM. Not just as a woman, but for what you believe in. That's pretty rare these days."

I let Sherry wash my hair since I fucking hate doing it. She was real gentle and shit. Though when it came time to brush it that was another story. "Too hard. Too hard!"

"You have a lot of tangles, RM."

"Ouch!"

"Stop fidgeting, you're making it worse."

"You're hurting me!"

"Bitch, what are you doing out of the closet?!" Negan slams the parlor door.

"Don't call her a bitch!"

"Shut the fuck up, Sherry! Who let her out?"

"Who do you think? It was Sherry," Nympho wife proudly announces.

Negan points at his room.

Nympho wife gets up and starts to walk towards it.

"You fucked up big time, Sherry."

Sherry rolls her eyes at Negan.

I almost start laughing at how she doesn't give two shits about his empty threats. So much for Negan's clean sheets.

...

Ew. Nympho wife doesn't even bother getting dressed as she passes by me before I go into Negan's room.

Negan's not much better. Only in some thin pajama pants with half a chubby poking the material up.

Gross. "I hope you bagged your shit before you stuck it in that bitch wrinkle."

"Not that it's any of your goddamn business what I do."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you, bitch!"

"You need to fucking get over this shit, RM. Boo-fucking-hoo I was mean to you."

"You think I give a shit how you treat me? It was your lack of compassion. The way you condone letting those sick fucks kick around a person! They murdered him."

"He's not a person!"

"I hate you!"

"Shut your fucking mouth or back in the closet you go."

I give him the middle finger before locking my own self in the closet.

* * *

Oh, Jesus, fuck, I'm dying. I know I am.

"What the fucking fuck is going on in here?!" Negan nudges my arm with the front of his boot. "Have you been in this closet for two fucking days?! It smells like piss in here!"

"I didn't have a bucket."

"Unbe-fucking-lievable. RM, why didn't you leave the fucking closet?"

"I thought you locked it!"

"You put your own self in the closet!"

"I did? Oh, yeah, that's right." I start to snicker, then my brow furrows. "You mean I pissed my own pants for nothing?"

Negan hooks my arm and drags me from the closet. "Drink this, before you fucking die of dehydration."

"I got bigger problems than water." I march my soggy self and my beauties to the bathroom, which, apparently, my situation is noticed by all the other wives. Nosy parkers! Damn. Gonna need a shower for this.

Negan thinks I need a baby sitter as he supervises over me.

"Look away, I'm naked, you rude fuck!"

"You're naked all the goddamn time!"

"Look away!"

He rolls his eyes, turning his head.

I bathe my beauties first. "I'm sorry," I frown.

"Maybe I could have been a little nicer to you."

"I'm not apologizing to you, you dumpy fuck face. I'm talking to them." I carefully lay the fabric out on the towel rack to dry. At least I pissed him off enough to leave me alone. I wish I had known he was going to make me clean that closet out before I decided to bathe, but did I really expect someone else to clean up my mess? Madsen maybe. He'd clean it up for me. God, I miss that fucker…

* * *

"Hey, dingus, did you put the handcuffs somewhere?"

"Yep."

"Well, I'm ready for bed."

"I'm not gonna handcuff you anymore."

"What? Come on, man. I had a real long day."

"You can stay here tonight, but then you're getting a room down stairs."

"All because I pissed in the closet?!"

"RM, you're on my last fucking nerve, and I don't just mean right now. All we do is fucking argue. I'm not doing this shit with you anymore. Especially, if you ain't putting out."

"I like arguing with you."

"Yeah, no fucking shit. It's time you do this on your own. I can't keep you chained to the goddamn floor."

"What if I can't do this on my own?"

He shrugs, sitting down on his chair. "Not really my fucking problem."

"Am I in trouble? I don't," I whine, "I don't like this!"

"Tough tits."

"Whose tits have you been feeling that are hard? Of all the stupid fuckery that comes outta your mouth." I stamp my foot. "I want my handcuffs!"

"Too fucking bad! Now shut the shit up, I'm doing inventory."

I thrust myself down on my pallet.

"She bitches because I tie her up and now she bitches she's free."

"Fuck you."

"Yeah, but you won't."

"Yeah, you're fucking right about that."

* * *

I didn't sleep well last night. Oddly, being tied up gave me some sense of security. Negan is nowhere to be found. Hopefully, he fucking came to his senses. As I start to grab the knob on the bathroom door, I hear his voice.

"I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing."

"Look, you're doing the right thing. It's time she does this on her own. You can't hold her hand forever, or chain her to the floor."

"That's what I said, and you know how she responded? She thinks she's in trouble. That I'm mad at her. I worry about her mental state, Sherry."

My mental state?

"Her mental state?"

"Her mental capacity can't be anything more than that of a 5 year old."

"She does look young. Maybe she's only like 14-"

"Not fucking funny, Sherry. I'm not a goddamn pervert."

"She's not dumb, Negan."

"I'm not calling her fucking dumb! I'm saying there ain't something right."

"Like?"

"Every day things that you and I know, she doesn't. She still plays in the fucking bathtub, and that's about the only thing she uses it for."

"She kept trying to use the bar soap on her hair, so I just did it for her. When I brushed it she had tangles everywhere. It was awful."

"She can't even tie her shoes, she just stuffs the laces inside. I've been trying to teach her how to read, and it's way worse than what I thought. Every day is something else she doesn't know how to do. Her mom was the biggest piece of shit abandoning her like that. I think this Madsen fuck is the only stability she's ever had, except for me, but now I'm pushing her away and I don't know what the fuck to do."

He's telling all my secrets! He fucking told her about Madsen! Goddamn him! Goddammit! Fuck you, Negan, I murmur, leaving the parlor.

...

Door after door was slammed in my face when they realized I wasn't here to let any of them fuck me. I hate Negan! This is what Mama tried to warn me about. Don't let people in because you're feeling vulnerable. Especially a man. She'd laugh in my fucking face and tell me to quit being such a pussy if she saw the way I let Negan get under my skin.

Simon knocks on my head.

Yeah. I'll say that again. He fucking knocks.

"Anyone home? The mothership take you back?"

I giggle and turn to face him. "I wish..."

"Why the long face, friend?"

"Negan's being a fucking fucktwat." I feel bad for talking shit. Especially, because it puts Simon in an awkward position. I don't want him to get in trouble for agreeing with me or any of that shit. "You headed somewhere?"

"Supply run."

"Can I come?"

"It's not safe, and the safety of his wives is first and foremost."

"I'm **not** a wife."

"You should tell him that because he seems to think otherwise." Simon points up stairs.

Guess he didn't get the memo Negan is making me move out. Damn, I don't want to go back! I'm hoping Simon would change his mind, but he doesn't and I find myself right back where I started. When I walk into the parlor, Negan is still having his little pow-wow with Sherry. Fuck this. Fuck him. I'm off my leash right? If he wants me gone, so fucking be it! I plan to get as far as fucking possible as I can. I yank off my pillowcase and start packing. Extra pair of shorts, six shirts, two more pairs of beauties, one box of gloves, my aliens Dwight carved, three bags of Cheetos, and my tabloids. Hmm, I don't have that many cigarettes left. I wanted to stop and say goodbye to Dwight, but he's not in his room. I'm still not too good at this reading stuff. Goodbye has too many goddamn letters to try and figure out so I just draw a door on a piece of paper with my name on it. I hurry off and after Simon to the courtyard. You know, for being these ruthless motherfuckers, the Saviors are kind of dumb. I slip right into the back of this red suburban without any trouble. I'm not sure where we're going, but some of the grunts keep talking about an offering. Simon is the last to get in and we're finally on our way. I've never been in one of these suburban things before. It's not as fun as Madsen's motorcycle.

...

I figured we'd be going on a supply run like Simon said, but we pull over in a parking lot. There's already a group waiting on the Saviors. Oh my god. My hot breath fogs up the window. I wipe it away, only for it to fog up again. One of the men from the newest group is the finest fuck I have seen since Madsen. He actually even looks a little bit like Madsen. A very serious fuck me face as he watches protectively over the others. I need to get my stockings on that sexy stubble! I've made up my fucking mind. Yeah, my fucking mind. I snatch my satchel and carefully climb from the suburban. One of the other group's trucks has this wooden cage on the back that I climb in to.

Simon shakes what I assume is the leaders hand because of the big stick he's holding.

Heh, he has cool hair.

The leader starts for the truck I'm in with that fine fuck beside him. "You seem to have other matters of import on your mind."

"Hunting swine," my sexy fuck replies.

"Tomorrow, Richard."

I'm gonna scream that name so loud. Richard and RM. I like that. As the truck speeds off, I slide across the bed of it and I try to contain my giggles. This is the funnest ride ever! I grab the slats in the wood and peek through them as I watch the Savior's red suburban disappear into the distance. Good riddance, you dumpy fuck. Hellooooo, Richard!

* * *

 **A/N The Jock Cranley name Simon is talking about is actually a reference from Steven Ogg's character Trevor in GTA 5. Thank you for all the follows and favorites. I know this story is disconcerting at times, and I plan to continue down that path but do like I always have and lighten it up with a bit of humor. The reviews I've received are so thoughtful. I really appreciate all your support. The next update will be a few weeks because the ending was a last minute change and I want to get the Kingdom right.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Episode 7.02 "The Well" is hands down my favorite episode in this entire series. If you haven't watched it, this chapter is a spoiler from it as well as this description. I thought having RM and Morgan meet would be an interesting dynamic because where they both stand on life being precious, but I didn't know how to go about it. After the episode aired, I had an idea. Plus, Richard is by far the finest person they have ever casted on that show, ha! (He's the Kingdom guard who gets punched in the face by the Savior if you don't know who I'm talking about.)**

* * *

 _ **Quatervois**_ _(n.) a crossroads; a critical decision or turning point in one's life._

* * *

Where the hell am I? It's dark as shit out here and these stones on the trees keep smacking me in the head. I notice a decent sized pit fire at the end of the walk way. Holy shit. Get the fuck out of here! That's the biggest trash squirrel I've ever fucking seen! Oh, man. Their garbage must be wrecked. It comes over and brushes its fur against my beauties. I'd tell it to scat, but it's like three and a half feet fucking tall. I start giggling as the squirrel licks my hands.

"Incogitable." A friendly smile is turned my way. "Shiva is not one to warm up easily."

Oh, it's the guy with the cool hair. "Is she yours?"

"She is."

"She looks like the Chester Cheetah! Well, kinda," I snicker.

"You bemuse me, child."

"Why do you talk like that? I can't understand a fucking word you're saying."

"As I when you choose weak adjectives."

The shit is an adjective?

"What do they call you?"

"RM. What's your name?"

"I am King Ezekiel."

Damn, that's a mouthful. "Can I pet Shiva now?"

"You don't pose any questions for me?"

My eyes shift back and forth before I strike a pose. I hope this is what he means. "Can I pet Shiva now?"

"Can implies are you capable, may will ask the question."

Damn, this pose is starting to hurt.

"You may."

Fuck. Finally. He watches protectively over me and I thought it was because he didn't trust me but it turns out Shiva is not friendly to others and that's proven when we're interrupted. Oh, fuck. It's Richard. I stand up, fixing my messy hair. Damn, I wish I would have let Sherry brush it longer.

Richard mumbles something to Ezekiel before hurrying out.

Well... shit. He didn't even notice me.

"How may I ask did you happen upon us?"

"Look, I don't know what the fuck you're saying. This is like an episode of Mister Rogers. You're King Friday complete with Troglodytes Aedon over here." I put my finger up to my lip to make a mustache. "As a King, I never indulge in bologna. Lovely. Kindly. Farewell."

"You render me speechless, child."

Good. Some peace and fucking quiet. I sit back down next to Shiva and let her lick my hands again.

"Will you be staying long?"

Guess I'm not welcome here either. "I'll leave."

"Perhaps we started off on the wrong foot. I am King Ezekiel, and this is the Kingdom. Though, what kind of King would I be if I didn't know every affair in my Kingdom?"

Oh, I get it. He wants to know how I got in undetected. "I hitched a ride in one of your trucks. I'm from another community, but they didn't want me anymore."

"The Kingdom accepts all people, so long as you contribute."

"I'm real good at fixing and building things. Making something out of nothing, you know?"

"Yes, I see potential in you. Shiva sure seems to think so."

"I saw some tents when I came in. Do I get to have one of those?"

"The tents are for the warmer months. During the freeze, my people seek shelter inside the school. Tonight, you may sleep in my quarters."

Well, hopefully Shiva sleeps with him.

…

My eyes take in his giant bed. Man, what's with leaders and big ass beds while the rest of us sleep on the floor? I watch Ezekiel put down Shiva for the night in her cage.

"I have urgent matters I need to attend to. Please, make yourself at ease on the lounge."

Pfff, fuck that. If shit goes south nobody's gonna fuck with the trash squirrel. I'm small enough to fit through the bars on her cage.

She rubs her face on mine before licking my cheek.

I hope Ezekiel won't be mad that I'm in here, but Shiva seems okay with it. She even lets me use her belly as a pillow. This is so much better than Negan's place!

* * *

I love it inside Shiva's cage. It's the safest I've felt since Negan would handcuff me.

"She sleeps with her," one of his men says.

"It astounds me. As if Shiva thinks RM is her young."

"We found a place not too far. It would be good to take a group and scavenge it."

"Then we shall. Fetch Richard, Morgan, and Benjamin as well."

Yes, Richard! I'm wearing my best cut off shirt.

…

I kick some of the rocks beside the truck as we wait on the others. Shiva wasn't allowed to come with which, if you ask me, is stupid. I'm not really sure what we're doing today.

"Here." One of the women hand me some type of vest.

I don't even know how to work this stupid fucking thing, but when I finally get it on I'm pissed. This thing is so big, it hides my stomach and it's not flattering in the least.

"We'll head south," Richard tells Ezekiel.

Oh, damn, he is so fucking sexy. So serious. Fuck. He's coming this way. Okay, be cool, RM. I lean against the truck, pushing my hips out some. My friend Ren had this same way of standing that all the guys seemed to like. When I finally get my chance to introduce myself, I don't even get my name out.

"Where's your weapon?"

I stretch my leg out some. "RM's DM's is all I need."

"I'm not laughing. Is this a joke?"

Why is he mad?!

"RM, blade or ammunition?"

I stare back at Ezekiel as if he's speaking his weird language except I understood it just fine. "No thank you," I reply when they keep pressing the issue.

One of the men nudges my vest, giving me a gun.

I stare down at it blankly then give him a breathed laugh. "Seriously? You want me to shoot this?" I wave the Desert Eagle at him. "This is a .50 caliber." I'd know. Madsen always carried one on him. He tried to teach me how to use the fucking thing and I ended up with a broken nose from the recoil.

"Perhaps a blade for our young friend," Ezekiel tells the man.

Perhaps nothing. This sucks. I didn't even get to ride in the same truck as Richard so I couldn't wait to actually get there. It was nice of Ezekiel to take me, but I don't know what for. I told him I liked to build things, not destroy them.

…

"I'm Benjamin."

"RM." I return his warm smile. He's actually really decent, but he talks too much. Heh, it reminds me of my friend Specs. Specs was so goddamn hyper all the time. Partially from all the meth he did, but he lived off energy drinks. I don't think I ever saw him eat once. Specs and Benjamin are both equally clumsy, too. I laugh when he trips over his boots.

"Meant to do that."

"You meant to fall on your face?"

"Thought I saw something on the ground is all."

"You should have-" My eyes widen when I watch some of Ezekiel's men attack the dead. "Oh, god, no! Stop," I beg them, but my cries are in vain. I tug on one of their sleeves and get knocked back when they think I'm one of the dead. Shit! My beauties! I'm so distraught that I've added a new hole in them when I landed on my knee that I don't notice the dead topple over on me.

Richard yanks it off of me and kills it with one shot to the head. Then he kills a few more closing in on us.

"You murdered them," I scream, slapping his hand away when he tries to help me up.

"Don't be stupid, kid."

I'm so mad at him, I don't even want to suck his Richard right now. I twist around so my back is to them while his men finish killing the dead. Fuck, my knee burns like a motherfucker.

"Here," Benjamin starts, taping something to my knee.

"What is that?"

"Huh? How do you not know what a bandaid is?"

Sometimes people make me feel really stupid. How the fuck am I supposed to know what a goddamn bandaid is? Things were simpler when I lived back at the trailer park. No one sure as fuck made me feel stupid. Madsen always took the time to explain to me what things were or showed me things I didn't know. Well, at least the bleeding stopped.

…

This day continued to go down the shitter. Until. I stop in my tracks. Oh my god. Dominic? Is that…? "Dominic!" I hurry towards my friend. "I can't believe I found you! Is Cheeto with-" I stop and frown at the man. "Oh. You're not him. I'm sorry. I'm RM," I smile.

He gives me a menacing grin, before grabbing the strap of my backpack. I'm flipped around and his gun is pressed to my temple. "Give me all your shit or she fucking dies right now!"

"You're hurting me," I whine.

He fires the gun once at my feet, pressing it back to my temple. "I ain't fucking around, or she dies!"

My fucking ear. I think my eardrum is busted again as blood trickles from it.

Bags are placed at his feet.

As one of Ezekiel's men starts to give over his bag, the staff he's been using twirls around and knocks the man holding me over the railing of the bridge.

The man lands on his leg breaking it and his screams start to attract the dead.

Oh, no! "He's going to die," I tell them, hurrying down the side of the ledge. "Help me," I shout up at them. We could have fucking saved him, but only one of his men helped me. The man that knocked him over the ledge to begin with. Maybe he felt obligated, but it doesn't matter because we're too late. I try to yank on one of the dead's pants loops to pull him off of the man, but they're too distracted feeding on him. He's not yelling or screaming any more. If only I could have got to him faster. If I were stronger maybe I could have pulled the dead off of him in time. I look up at the bridge to see all Ezekiel's men looking down at me like I'm the monster. Goddammit! The only reason I hurried back up the ledge is because I knew his men would come down and try to kill the dead. I'm told to wait in the truck like it's some form of punishment. Fine by fucking me. I'm so fucking over this bullshit.

…

I plop down next to Shiva.

She whines and licks my face.

It instantly makes me start to feel better as I giggle. "Thanks, you cute big Cheeto."

"RM," Ezekiel starts, closing his door.

Great. Dad's home. Now I'm going to get a fucking lecture. However, what I didn't expect is an apology. He explained to me that there are several people in his community that aren't fighters and they have jobs inside the walls. What's even better is he's going to let me work on their water filtration system. That's like my best skill! I had to come up with some pretty creative ways to get water back when I lived with Mama. Finally. I'm useful!

* * *

Why do the men do the laundry here? Isn't that a woman's job? You sure didn't see men folding clothes at Sanctuary. Things are so much different here than what I'm used to with my other groups. I discovered a new building today, not that it's hard. This place has a piss ton of buildings. There's a woman laying down in one of the beds. I lean over and inspect her face. Is she dead?

"RM," a voice startles me from behind.

"Shit, Martin, you scared the fuck out of me."

"My name is Morgan."

"Right. Sorry, I'm not good with names."

"I wanted to talk to you." He eases down on the chair across from the bed.

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah," he smiles. "She's just resting."

I pull the blanket up more on her because she looks cold.

"When we were out there today and you got attacked, how come you didn't fight back?"

"I don't harm people."

"Those things, they aren't people."

I sigh, and look over at him in the chair. "Whatever, man."

"How have you survived this long and never killed one of the dead?"

"I just have, okay?"

"That man you thought was your friend, how come you still tried to help him after he hurt you?"

"It doesn't matter if he was my enemy or not, he's still a person. How come you ask so many jackassey questions?"

"Here."

I shake my head at the yellow book. "I can't read."

He seems confused.

Truthfully, I'm equally beside myself about being so forthcoming.

Morgan explained a little more about his philosophy to me. How he met this cheesemaker, and learned about Aikido. He opens up the book. "Aikido means **not to kill**. Although nearly all creeds have a commandment against taking life, most of them justify killing for one reason or another. In Aikido, however, we try to completely avoid killing, even **the** **most evil person**." When he told me about how he thought all life was precious, well, he had my full attention then.

"That's why you were the only one who tried to help me save him."

"Sometimes I feel a bit lost, like I'm just making things up as I go along. Trying to be this other person. I see you, and your ways. How you would have died if it hadn't been for Richard. You weren't scared to though, nor did you even try to put your arms up to push the walker away."

"One time I had one of them fall on me. His flesh was soft, and my hands went through him. I felt terrible because I had hurt him."

"Did you lose someone close to you from them that made you like this?"

"No. This is just how I've always been."

He starts to smile.

"Don't let people change your mind, and don't ever let someone shake your beliefs, Morgan."

"Do you think someone could kill and still be a good person?"

I think about my friend Cheeto, and how he used to kill for Madsen when people owed him drug money.

 _Sometimes people get out of line and you just gotta take care of it. It never gets easier. I just do what needs to be done._

 _There's gotta be another way._

 _That's life, kiddo._

 _Is that why you drink?_

 _I never needed an excuse to drink._

He kept me safe when Madsen couldn't. I refuse to believe that Cheeto was a bad person. "It's not so much good verses bad. Once you kill someone where do you draw the line? How do you decide that these fucks over here are okay to kill but not these fucks? I don't want no part of that."

"What if you didn't have a choice?"

"You **always** have a choice. My choice is simple. I don't harm people."

"What if you had to kill someone to protect someone you love? Someone you care for."

My eyes jolt down to the lady in the bed. "Is that why she's sleeping?"

"Yeah… that's why she's sleeping."

I've never met anyone that is as passionate about human life like I am. It gave me hope that other people could be that way, too. That… that maybe I'm not alone on this planet after all.

* * *

"Hmm… what'd you get?" I lean over and look in Shiva's bowl. "Not much better, huh? I got just the thing." I snap on a glove and open a new bag of Cheetos with a giggle. "These are the paw kind. Like yours. Do you wanna try some? Whoa, relax, I've got plenty more. Don't eat my hand off now. I'll need it for later when I'm thinking about Richard if you catch my drift." I raise my eyebrows up and down and Shiva gives me a grunt. "I think he'll come around. Heh." I tilt the bag some over in her bowl. "What you don't think so?" I swear to god Shiva snorted at me. "Yeah, I can't wait until another trash squirrel comes along so I can bust your balls as much as you're busting mine." My eyes jolt to one of the windows. "What the shit was that?"

Shiva senses it, her ears perking up.

Then all of the sudden the sky opens. I start to scream as Shiva lets out a roar with me. "Holy fuck, we're gonna die, I know it!"

She whines, followed by another roar.

"What are we gonna do?!"

Shiva picks up her bowl with her mouth.

"That bowl ain't gonna save us, dingus! Put it down!" Before Ezekiel's door even closes, I'm screaming in his direction. "We're gonna die!"

"I will assure the both of you neither will perish."

Between Shiva and myself, I don't know how the two of us didn't smother Ezekiel as the rain moved in that night.

Ezekiel never once tried to push us off him, or tell us that we were overreacting.

It should be comforting, right? It isn't. Truthfully, it's the one time I missed dumpy. His body is so big, it kept me hidden. Safe. Negan was always so confident, like nothing could hurt him.

"Perhaps, we could find something to ease your mind?"

"What, like moonwalking?"

"If… you find comfort in that."

"Oh, hell yeah. I love the motherfucking-"

"Language."

"Heh. Do you think you can handle this Zeke?"

"I'll try."

"Let me borrow your glove, it works better with one glove." I get my stance going before I clear my throat. "Billy Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl who claims that I am the one! But the kid is not my son. No, no. Hee hee!" Unleash the motherfucking moonwalk, followed by a twirl.

Shiva groans, tucking her face in her paws.

"Pfff, hater. Pretty good, huh, Zeke?"

"A sight to behold."

"Hear that, Shiva?"

She's less than amused.

Well, I know one thing is for certain. It got our minds off the storm and I perfected my moonwalk that night.

* * *

I find Shiva resting on the porch and join her. The rain brought back the cooler temperatures which means it's going to freeze soon. I hear music in the distance. Oh, god, I love Bob Dylan. That must be the choir Ezekiel was talking about. I'd sing along with them but Shiva has made it clear she doesn't enjoy my rapping, so I doubt she'd like my singing. I stand up and look over the railing. "I'll be back," I tell Shiva. Maybe nobody noticed the lady stuck, but by the time I made it down the steps and to her, she was still in the same spot. "Let me." I help push her wheel chair from the mud onto the walkway. Oh, I remember her from the infirmary. "Are you feeling better?"

Her brow furrows a bit in confusion.

"It's okay, you don't have to answer. We don't know each other, so why should I care, right?" Yeah. That's what the Saviors would say to me.

"Wait."

I turn on the ball of my heel to face her. "Yeah?"

"It's not enough to run nowadays."

I fold my arms and look away from her. "What do you know?"

"Because my daughter ran, and she didn't make it."

I watch her wheel herself into the cafeteria. You know, I don't really understand why everyone is always on my tits about this shit. I'm still here, aren't I? Yeah other people have helped me, but the fact still remains, **I am alive**. And I'm alive without having to compromise what I believe in. There's a loud noise behind me that catches my attention. Oh, sweet Barbara!

Richard is over by one of the trucks.

I've been working on this sexy walk for a while to show him as I saunter over to the truck.

Naturally he doesn't notice.

"So, uh." I flutter my lashes several times at him but the way he looks at me is like I'm going into a seizure. Ugh, pathetic.

"What's wrong with your eyes?" His voice has me in some kind of slut trance. "Hold still." Richard cups my cheek and tugs down the skin right under my eye. "I don't see anything." He grunts, pulling his rag from the edge of the truck, then uses it to clean the grease he got on my cheek.

"I don't mind getting dirty." I flash him a mouthful of teeth. This is even more pathetic that Negan trying to hit on one of his wives, though at least I'm not rubbing my denim boner on him. Shit, a few more seconds and I might have.

"Watch your elbow."

I move it to the side some so he can close the hood. Fuck! What is his deal? Go figure. The one person to get my stockings wet since Madsen and the fucker doesn't want a goddamn thing to do with me. I could probably be butt ass naked and he wouldn't give me the time of day. Well, not like I'm really all that much to look at. Damn this stoic bastard! He looks pissed. Or maybe he's happy? Who the hell knows? The guys had one emotion for everything since I've been here. Grumpy.

* * *

Morgan introduced me to one of the teachers here. If you ask me, I think the lady could have done without the constant touching of my shoulder as a form of praise. School is hard and I get in trouble for the dumbest shit. Like I can't say fuck around the children.

"RM?"

I tried not to curse, I really fucking did. "I don't fucking know!"

"Language!"

"Fuck! I mean shit! I mean piss! Wait, is piss a bad word?"

The other children find it funny which only makes her even more upset.

Just when I really was about to say fuck it all or piss it all or shit it all or whatever the fuck it all I was allowed to say, we start this one class called math. I'm great with numbers since I used to help Cheeto with the bookkeeping when it came to Madsen's supply of drugs. However, the teacher did help me learn a few words. One of which was goodbye. Coulda used that a few weeks ago. Though, hopefully I'll never have to use it again.

* * *

There was this kid in my class named Henry. He was really helpful when it came to the reading shit, but not good at math so we'd help each other out. He'd read me books and I'd help him out with his multiplication and division. Decimal points and that sorta shit. He also seemed pretty interested when I'd work on the water filtration system. "See? It catches all the water we got from that storm, then it takes it here to be cleaned."

"You're good with this kinda stuff."

"You're good with that reading shit."

"Hey, tonight is movie night. Wanna come?"

"What movie?"

"I can't remember the title, but it's about aliens."

"Oh, fuck yes, I fucking love aliens!"

"RM," the teacher shouts.

"Heh." Shit, I didn't even know she could hear us out here. "Damn, next time warn me or some shit."

"S- sorry."

Benjamin comes over and gives me a smile. "Is Henry bothering you?"

"You're embarrassing me," Henry says under his breath.

"He's fine. He's helping me."

"Dinner is in an hour," Benjamin tells him before going back to the stables.

"That's my brother," Henry tells me. "Do you have any siblings?"

"I had a brother."

"What happened?"

"He died when I was really young."

"How?"

"We were getting water actually. He was a few years older than I was so he could carry back the jugs. Anyway, a bad storm trapped us and he was struck by lightning." I remember his boots coming right off, and blood was even coming out of his eyes. The lightning had burned his eyelids right off. His right hand had exploded. Gone. I tried to wake him up, but he never did. Ugh, the smell was so gross. "I never told anyone about him before so we'll keep that between us."

"I lost my mom and my sisters to the biters. My dad a year later. He got trapped in a building."

"I'm sorry that happened to you."

"Benjamin takes good care of me and I have you now." He takes my hand in his.

I squeeze back his hand tight. "I have you, too."

"Let's go pick out our spots for the movie before dinner, okay?"

"Yeah," I smile, "lead the way."

* * *

As I walk between the buildings the wind is bitter against my beauties. Shit, I hate winter. The sky is depressing. Every day it just looks like it's about to storm. I hear my name as it paralyzes me. That voice is the last person I'd expect. Oh, god, no! I keep hidden as I hear Simon talk with Ezekiel and Richard.

"We want Negan's wife back, and we'll do whatever it takes to do so. He's willing to offer immunity from supplies for three months in exchange for her return." Simon steps forward and cocks his head at Richard, then looks back at Ezekiel.

"The girl has not crossed our path."

"Then it's business as usual. Same time tomorrow," Simon replies with a grin. "Gentlemen." He points at their trucks so they can be on their way.

Fuck! Fuck me.

Richard has more than his usual stoic expression for once. He's livid. "They came into our home. She could ruin everything."

"Richard, calm yourself."

I know I don't have much time left, so I hurry to the auditorium to see if Shiva is there but she's not. What I don't realize is that Ezekiel is right behind me.

"I want you to be forthcoming about some concerns I have."

I can't even begin to play dumb.

"Why have you fled from your union with Negan?"

"I'm not his wife!"

"That's most unfortunate."

"But… it's the truth."

"Shall I ask you one more time?"

"There's no way I'd marry that fuck!"

"Language."

"Sorry," I sulk. "I'm not lying. You have to believe me, Zeke!"

"Why do the Saviors have such a hefty bounty for your return? Or perhaps your capture?"

"I don't know! He said he wasn't going to cuff me anymore, that I was free to go."

"Then why the sneaking?"

"I was scared he'd try and persuade me to stay, and that I'd listen."

"Is it not your desire to be with the Saviors?"

"No. I hate it there."

Ezekiel seems at a loss for words. A first.

"Is Richard mad at me?"

"He thinks your presence here will cause tension between our groups."

"I- I don't want anyone to get hurt."

"Perhaps a bit of unveiling is in order?"

"I was a drug addict. Negan helped me get clean. He decided that it was time I do things on my own. We had a big fight, and then I ended up here."

"Does he mistreat you?"

"No."

"Would you be mistreated if you were to return?"

"No, but…" The truth is, I don't know if Negan is going to hurt me if I go back. "I'll return." It doesn't matter if I'm scared. I can't stay knowing these people's lives might be in danger because I'm here. I escaped once, maybe I could do it again?

"We should drop her off a few miles before the rendezvous point so they don't think we had her," Richard intervenes.

I didn't even know he was standing there listening. "I'll pack my things."

"No," Ezekiel starts. "Richard, this matter does not concern you."

"What? But I'm-"

"Richard, that is enough."

I won't cause any more problems between this group and start my rounds to say goodbye.

…

"Hey, I want to talk to you."

Henry sighs, and has a seat next to me. "I know. Benjamin told me. He said that you're leaving to protect us."

"Maybe when I get good at that writing shit I can send you letters."

"You promise?"

"Of course."

"Will I ever see you again?"

"I don't know."

"I miss you already."

"I'm sorry that I let you down."

"You didn't let me down."

"Even though I'm leaving?"

"I'm just glad we got to know each other." Henry wraps his arms around me tight, then hurries off.

It makes it all the more difficult to leave. I reach into my bag and pull out my Cheetos. There's only a few left. I tilt the bag over and let the rest of them fall out on the edge of the well. Drink from the well, replenish the well. Maybe it wasn't exactly what Ezekiel had in mind but it's the least I can do.

…

I owe this wonderful opportunity I've been given to Shiva. Without her acceptance, I don't think Ezekiel would have taken me in like he did. I giggle when she keeps licking my face. You know, Shiva is actually smarter than most people. She can sense I'm leaving in the morning. "Here." I set the Cheeto Queen down next to her. "Now I'll always be right here with you."

Shiva tries to give me her bowl.

"No, dingus, that's yours," I laugh. God, I love this fucking trash squirrel. I'm really going to miss this place.

* * *

I'm nervous as I wait for our meet up with the Saviors.

Ezekiel gives me a warm smile.

"I'm sorry if I put you in any danger."

"It was of no trouble, RM. If you are able to find your way back I hope you'll do so."

"Thank you for everything."

"The pleasure is all mine."

"Look," Richard starts, "it's not too late to get back in the truck and return with us."

It honestly came as a shock to me because I thought he hated me. Well, I guess it's as good of a time to ask as any. "No, I'll go back. But did you wanna have a quickie before I do?"

He smiles for the first time since I've been here, shaking his head no.

"Damn."

The Saviors pull into the parking lot as the squeaky brakes startle me when they come to a stop.

Richard leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"Shit, don't get my hopes up, man."

"I'm too old for you, kid."

"So you're saying there's a chance in the future?"

"Probably not."

"I'm going to take that as there's a chance."

"Get out of here," he laughs.

My smile fades as my eyes sink. Fuck. I don't want to go.

Morgan reaches into his pocket and hands me a piece of fake fur. "Here, I want you to have this. It's a rabbit's foot for good luck. A gift from the cheesemaker."

"For me?"

"RM, you know that life is precious, but you have to believe that your life is precious, too."

I never thought of it that way, and here I was poisoning my body for all those years with the drugs.

"I hope we cross paths again."

"Me, too, my friend. I'll take real nice care of this beauty you gave me."

"I know you will."

It's one of the rare times I actually wanted to show someone affection by a hug thing. I just fear that if the Saviors know how close I've gotten with this group that they'd report it back to Negan, and Negan would retaliate.

"RM?" Simon seems confused. I thought his jaw was going to hit the floor. He gets down on one knee yet he's still taller. "Goddamn, kiddo… I…" He starts to smile and cups my cheek. "It's good to see you."

I look up shamefully at Simon. "Is he mad?"

"Yeah." His smile fades as his mustache stiffens. "He ain't happy."

"Shit."

"He's more upset with me."

"You didn't do anything."

Simon looks hesitant to elaborate so he tells me to get in the suburban and wait for him.

At least he let me sit up front with him. There's so many times I want to tell them to stop the suburban, but it wouldn't do a fuck's bit of good. The closer we get the more nauseous I become. I anxiously await the large smoke stacks of Sanctuary to become visible.

"Sir, we found her. ETA 2."

Negan doesn't respond to Simon, but why would he? The rude fuck! Goddammit, I hate him!

…

I try to sneak back into his room but the hinges give me away. His room is unwelcoming and has a chilly draft coming from a broken window. No doubt his doing when he threw something out it from one of his famous tantrums. I set my sack down on my pallet. "Go ahead and yell at me." I can feel Negan's eyes burning a hole in the back of my head. His breathing is the only way I can tell I'm not alone. "I came back so don't fucking hurt them." I squeeze the rabbit's foot Morgan gave me. "Promise me." I glance over my shoulder as if I expect him to be hovering over me, but the spot is vacant. My eyes dart through the room before I retrieve his oil lamp. I clutch it outward, but he's not in his usual locations. For a moment, I really thought I had imagined hearing him breathe until I trip over his boots. I spin around, holding up the light.

He's on the floor, back sagged against the closet. Negan clings to a shallow glass of black velvet whiskey. His weary eyes watch over me. There isn't an expression on his face except for when he takes a drink as if he can't stand the taste.

Has he even slept since I've been gone? I set the oil lamp down as it casts a shadow over his face so only his lower half is visible. I gently wiggle the glass from his hand.

He's put a good size dent in the bottle already. Negan's arm comes at me in one violent lurch, though it's only to claim back what's his. It's counterproductive because the drink spills all over him.

I turn up the lamp so I'm able to get a clear view of his face.

Depraved bloodshot eyes trail upward, then the rest of the glass is tilted back. There's sweat stains under his armpits and around the collar of his once white shirt. Coarse thick stubble hides his butthole chin. His fingernails are disgusting and I don't know if that's blood or dirt. Perhaps the most unsettling thing is how unkempt his hair is. "You fucking left me, bitch," his hoarse voice finally surfaces.

What I normally shrug off as some twisted term of endearment angers me. "Don't bitch me, bitch!"

He feels for the bottle beside him as if it's hidden or something.

I snatch it and hurl it across the room. "You told her all my secrets! I let you in. I trusted you. I told you about Madsen, you fucking snake!"

His cheeks flush and it's not from the alcohol.

"Yeah. I fucking heard everything. I was outside the bathroom door."

Negan can't even bring himself to look at me.

"Oh, let me guess. You're real motherfucking sorry now, huh?"

He moves his head up and down in agreement.

"Yeah, a sorry bag of dicks!" Fuck this motherfucker! "You're always fucking shit up!"

I thought he was going to leave because he was sick of being yelled at, but he opens his closet door and two dozen inflatable green aliens are flung out at me.

Oh, god… they're… so fucking cute! One more is taken from the closet. An orange one. "The Cheeto Queen," I whisper.

He sets it in my arms.

"No foolin'? I never had this many nice things before!" I giggle and dive into my aliens. Sweet fuck! There's so many green beauties. "Ack ack ack ack ack!" It comes at a perfect time because I gave my orange wooden alien to Shiva. "Take us to the Cheeto Queen."

"Are… are you still mad at me?"

I poke my head out from under my aliens. " **Pissed** , but I'm coming around."

"I didn't know who to talk to about you."

"It's no one's goddamn business why I am the way I am, but confiding in her? You fucked up, dumpy. I don't even care that you think I'm stupid. It's that you told some other sausage wallet about Madsen. I didn't tell Dwight about how you lost Lucille to cancer, because I have enough fucking sense to know how painful it was to open up in the first place."

"RM, you're not stupid! And I fucking worry about you, okay? Because I like you, bitch! I fucking give two shits about you, and I wanna fucking help you. That's all I've tried to do for you!"

"Don't give me that bullshit. I asked what the fuck I was supposed to do and you said I wasn't your problem."

"I wanted you to fucking fight. Fight to stay clean. Fight to stay with me. Fuck, something!"

"Well," I whine. "Why didn't you just fucking say that?! I can't read your goddamn mind!"

"I don't know," he murmurs. "Here. You left before I could give you this." He hands me my one month sobriety coin.

"Yes," I whisper. This one is especially cute with his little skeleton jaw showing.

"Were you at a place called the Safe-Zone?"

"Get fucked, I ain't telling you!"

"Let's ask Simon."

"Fine! God! I was with Ezekiel at the Kingdom."

He seems relieved for whatever reason but there's still this somber look on his face. "I know you wouldn't have come back if I didn't force you to, and that ain't right. I just wanted a chance to explain myself. I'll take you back. Truthfully, I thought I'd never see you again because it had been weeks. After Simon came back yesterday, I told him to call off the search to find you. If you wanted to be here, you'd be here. Then Simon tells me he found you, and I didn't know how to react."

Oh, that's why he didn't respond back to Simon.

"Guess it's a good thing you didn't unpack," he sighs, picking himself up again.

"You ain't taking me anywhere! You're drunk."

He stretches his hand out to steady himself on his bedpost as he rubs his brow.

"You're pretty lucky that I like these aliens so much."

"Does that mean you're staying?!"

"What do you think, bitch?"

He knocks the wind out of me when he shows me affection.

"Too tight! Ugh, and you stink." The fucker still doesn't know his own strength.

"Bet you missed this when that fucking storm came through."

I didn't have to admit it because he could see it by the look on my face. "I hate you, you dumpy fuckwad."

He gives me the weakest bullshit smile. "Fuck you, bitch."

I pacify him with a faint brush of my fingers against his. "Fuck you, too."

"Look at you showing me affection."

"That's because you're a little bitch."

"You're a big enough bitch for the both of us, bitch."

"Go shower! You stink!"

"Well… do you swear you won't sneak out on me?"

"If you swear you won't hurt them." Maybe I'm stupid to believe this motherfucker, but he looked pretty fucking pathetic when he promised me. That fucking look that can bring anyone to their knees. Goddamn him.

…

Oh, good. He's not wearing that smelly stained shirt. And he's shaved. It looks better smooth. He still has that pathetic fucking look on his face. Now's a good time to ask. "Will you get me a cage?"

"The fuck for?"

"To sleep in, duh."

He just looks at me like I've lost my goddamn mind.

"You know one that a big trash squirrel would be kept in."

"I bet I could find you one of them sex cages."

"You're an idiot. Fucking forget I even asked."

"Why would you want a cage to sleep in?"

"To feel safe."

"You are. You're with me and when you're not you're being watched."

"What does that mean?"

"All my wives have a Lieutenant that looks over them. Yours is Simon."

That's why Simon said he was in trouble. "I'm not a wife."

"Doesn't matter, and don't tell anyone else otherwise. You're safer if they know you belong to me."

Speaking of safe. "Do you have my handcuffs?"

After he cuffs me, he sets the key down so I can stay or go at my own leisure. "So, I, uh." He rubs the back of his neck. "Fuck it," he murmurs, scooting up behind me.

"Oh, no, fuck, why?"

"Shut up, bitch."

"Well… can you get fucking comfortable?"

"Let me make this shit up to you tomorrow."

If I'm even alive tomorrow. He's fucking smothering me. "Take me for a ride."

"Fucking seriously?!"

"Not for a ride on your shrimp boat, dingus. A ride on your bike."

"Maybe you'll be all fucking horned up when we get back."

"What do you think the motorcycle's for?"

"No shit?"

I don't say anything after that because I want him to squirm as he tries to decide if I'm kidding or not. The metal on the handcuff pinches my wrist, and I have his boney pepperoni digging into the back of my leg. Home sweet fucking home.

* * *

"Faster," I shrill as he takes the sharp corner. From behind, it's hard to tell it's Negan and I lose myself in blissful nostalgia. My dominating silhouette of perfection. Madsen's fingers occasionally brushing my beauties. The scent of his pomade in the wind. I close my eyes, moving my hands up the hard contours of Negan's chest. His response is the same as Madsen's as his breathing grows short.

Negan takes my hand and moves it down to his growing arousal straining against the denim.

Fuck it. It's not like I'll have to see his face when he's got me bent over the bike. There's just something about a bike that gets me going. I slide my fingers down and slowly back up him again.

He eases off the throttle some and looks back over his shoulder at me.

Before I can even bring my eyes up to his, I'm launched over him and the handle bars as I skid across the pavement.

Negan hits the ground hard and after his body takes the impact he's completely still.

The blood is blinding and burns my eyes. I fade in an out of consciousness, but hear a voice loud and clear. It was no accident the bike flipped. Someone had seen us coming and threw out spikes.

"Take those bolt cutters to each one of her fingers until the big guy gives up the location to their camp."

"Negan," I whine.

...

 _You look tired, Madie._

 _You look beautiful, RM._

 _No, I don't, man. Don't brush off my concern._

"RM?"

Something drips on my face. I squint my eyes, then force them open. It's Negan's blood.

He turns his head some, spitting a mouthful on the pavement. "You okay?"

What's going on? I jerk my hands up. Eight fingers and two thumbs, thank fuck.

Negan is beat to hell but it ain't from the accident. His gigantic hand shields my eyes from the slaughter he's bestowed on these men.

"I need to rest a second."

He's having to hold me up.

I'm so dizzy I end up vomiting, though the carnage isn't helping matters. "What's that ringing?!"

"You've probably got a concussion. Sit down over here for a minute."

I slump down some against the side of those men's van, but Negan sits me upright.

"Wake up, RM."

"I… I just need a little rest."

"No, open your eyes." He grabs me by the jaw and tilts my head to the side some. "Hey!"

Shit. This is what I get for touching his crotch rocket. "What's that smell?"

"I don't know. Something is leaking from the truck I accidentally shot trying to kill one of these sorry fucks."

There goes our ride home because I know his motorcycle is trashed. Fucking damn shame. That thing was fine as fuck.

"The snow is falling. Gather up what you can and let's get going."

"Just what I've always wanted. To be stranded with you out in the middle of fucksfield."

"Want me to plow your field still?"

"Keep that corn stalk away from me."

"I hope you like creamed corn."

Jesus Christ, why couldn't they have just taken my fingers instead?


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N Even though Negan and RM are out in the middle of nowhere, this is more of a dialogue chapter for the two. I'll have more survival type scenarios in later chapters.**

* * *

 _ **Alexithymia**_ _(n.) the inability to express your feelings._

* * *

"We should fuck for warmth."

"One minute of warmth isn't worth that sweaty mushroom in my skillet."

"Whatever, I'm firing one off."

By now I should know he's not joking, but as he tugs himself from his zipper hole, I find myself surprised.

"You can watch. I won't fucking mind."

"Why do you hold your breath?"

"It makes my orgasm better."

"Madsen held his breath. I always thought it was because he was secretly into that choking shit."

"Goddamn," he exhales, and it's like a switch is flipped because he goes completely limp. "Fucking seriously? Bitch, I don't tell you about how Lucille used to like it when I fucked her in front of the mirror while you part the pink sea."

"Sea? Fuck you, bitch."

"Shut the fuck up, RM. Help me, or leave me the fuck alone." He snaps his eyes shut, and pulls in a lung full of air. He's having one hell of a time.

"Think about what turns you on."

"I know how to fucking jerk it."

"Since when have you ever had a problem?"

"Since I'm thinking about you choking some fuck that ain't me."

"I didn't choke him. I told you, I don't like violence."

"You threaten to choke me all the time."

"I've never once threatened to choke you, and even if I did, you'd deserve it. You'd probably be all about that shit anyhow. You're already at full mast."

"What can I say? Apparently, I'm all about that pale sickly heroinesque look."

"Asshole."

"I meant that in a good way. You look real fuckable, bitch. I like how your eyes always look like they're about to close. Or how your hair is always a fucking ratted blonde mess, yet it's real fucking sexy. Like you don't give a fuck."

"I don't give a fuck." I sigh and look away from him. As much as it bothers me to admit it, his compliments make me feel good. Madsen used to tell me all the time that I was beautiful. I'm not beautiful. What did Negan just call it? Heroinesque. Yeah. That's me. "What turns you on?"

"I already told you. Stockings."

Jesus, I thought he was fucking joking about that shit.

"It's a damn fucking shame you won't let me rub this fat fucking chubby on those nylons. Shit, I wouldn't last ten seconds."

"You don't last ten seconds now."

"Maybe it's you. You ever think about that?"

"No. I never give any thought about fucking you."

"What-the-fucking-shit-ever."

"If you're so turned on by my stockings, how come when I was a wife you didn't try?"

"You made it clear I wasn't to touch them."

"Well... I fucking appreciate that."

"You can thank me by telling me what turns you on."

"Fine. Moaning."

"Goddamn that's fucking hot. Shit. Seriously? Because I get real fucking loud."

"Everyone in Sanctuary can hear you when you fire one off. I'm talking about moaning, not fucking yelling and commenting on how tight or wet your wives are."

"I can moan for you, bitch."

"Yeah? Alright, then." He's so fucking full of shit. Negan reserve is a fucking joke.

His fingers wrap tightly around that bastard as his eyes slam shut.

This outta be good. I fold my arms as I witness my own personal freak show. His face contorting in ways that are fucking hysterical. Then it slithers from his mouth. This low guttural moan, followed by several hoarse grunts. His eyes pop open and that sickly grin creeps up the side of his face.

"That's pretty goddamn good I guess..." Motherfucker. Fuck him.

"Come sit on my lap, let me finish."

"No. I'm going to sleep." Disgusting. Letting myself get all worked up over this bullshit.

"Fine, lay there all horny because you're too proud to admit someone that wasn't him actually got your stockings wet." He goes right to sleep after firing one off.

Fuck him, he didn't get my stockings wet. Now if only I fucking believed that...

* * *

I know Negan and I aren't on the best terms right now, but he never once took his eyes off me. If I was too cold, he built me a fire. If I was tired, he let me rest. If I was scared, he gave me affection. Every time something moved, his knife was in his hand. "Do you know where you're going?"

"Yeah, we'll be home in a few days."

That's a relief. I hardly got to spend any time with my aliens. "Why'd you stop?"

"I'm so fucking horny, I'm two seconds from tunneling a hole in the mud for my dick."

"Seriously? You just jerked it yesterday."

"What's your point?"

"Do you think it's possible to have a conversation that doesn't involve fucking?"

"What else is there to talk about?"

"Do you think spiders can live for like a lot of years? Like outlive humans?"

"No."

"Fuck you, you stoic fuck. You answer me like my question is so fucking absurd."

"Stoicism is one thing I've never been accused of."

"They ain't looking then. I think the only reason you're as boorish as you are is because you're hiding how much pain you're really in. That and when you're not trying to stick your dick in something, you're being one."

"I'm always fucking nice to you."

"Not me, dingus. Everyone else."

"I don't know much about you, but what I do, it's fucking terrible, yet you never feel sorry for yourself."

"That's just me, man. I don't let shit get me down."

"You know, I was kinda worried when you got clean that maybe your personality was because of the drugs. You make me laugh. I really like you, bitch."

"You're okay, too, my Lord. Come on, let's get you back to your scepter."

* * *

"What'd you learn while you were with the almighty King," he scoffs.

"Go forth and fucketh thine self."

He stares owl eyed back at me, his lips parted.

"I rendered him speechless!" I motherfucking moonwalk down the sidewalk.

"Bitch," he mutters, bumping into me as he passes by.

"Sorry, I can't understand you when you use weak adjectives."

"Bitch is a noun, bitch."

Wha... what the fuck is a noun? "God, you're grumpy! Grumpy dumpy, grumpy dumpy," I sing. "Wait! Why are you walking so fast? Slow down! I can't keep up with your freaky long legs!"

"Not so fucking funny now, is it?"

I don't know why I fucking did it. It's not like I can outrun him, but by god I fucking tried. I run to the one store I'm familiar with. The big sign says liquor on top of it. I hurry inside the ice machine outside of the store, closing the flap behind me.

Negan sighs pacing outside of the ice machine. "RM, get out of there."

"There's no one named RM here!" I feel around in the dark for one of the melted ice bags so I can drink the water out of it. It tastes like I'm drinking out of one of the Savior's boots.

"RM."

"Go away!"

"Okay, I'm leaving now."

I hear his dumpy feet start down the side walk before I open the hatch.

Negan reaches in and pulls me out.

"Let me go! You fucking lied to me!"

"Stop this!"

"Ow, you're hurting me! Help! Help someone help!"

"Who the fuck are you yelling at, bitch? You really think someone is going to come along and rescu-" Negan is smacked in the face with a crowbar.

"No, stop," I yell at the men.

"You want to put your hands on a woman?" One of the men raises his crowbar and hits Negan in the ribs.

"You're hurting him," I whine, putting my arms around Negan as best as I can to protect him from another blow. I'm shoved off Negan. Now, I've seen some shit in my day but I have never seen someone jam a crowbar down another human beings throat and for whatever reason, that I am damn fucking grateful for, Negan stops himself before he pushes it down the man's throat.

"Drop your fucking bags, and get as far as fucking possible from me as you can or it's going up your balloon knot instead, you fucking fuck."

My eyes light up as I watch the men scamper off.

Negan massages his jaw before letting out a moan.

Yeah, okay, so maybe I kinda sucked his crowbar right there in the middle of the street, but he fucking deserved it. I know the only reason he didn't kill those men is because of me and I wanted to reward him.

"Goddamn, I have blown my load in a lot of bitches but your little mouth is by far the fucking best." He zips up his pants, twirling his new weapon. "Oh, come on, bitch. It doesn't taste that bad."

I lean over and throw up again. "Oh, shit, I gotta shit! No," I panic. "I'm gonna shit my beauties!"

"What the fuck?"

I manage not to by some fucking miracle, but shitting them would have been the least of my problems. "Oh, god, my insides are shredding!"

Negan thrusts his hips proudly. "Yep. I got some strong boys."

I didn't think it was possible to throw up again, but I did.

"Goddamn, both ends," he laughs.

"I'm glad you find this shit so hilarious!"

"I do find this **shit** hilarious!" So he says because he starts to lose that stupid grin after a few minutes of this. "Does it really taste that bad?"

"Shut up, dingus!" I'm left alone to shit in peace only it's but maybe a minute.

"RM," he yells, agitating the dripping bag at me. "Did you fucking drink this? Oh my fucking god, you did. Of course you did. Do you have any idea how many years this shit has been sitting in that container? Jesus, the bacteria growing in this is going to fucking kill you!"

"I wish it would hurry up," I whine, holding my stomach.

"What were you thinking?!"

"I wasn't thinking, obviously! I was thirsty! Stop yelling at me!"

"You fucked up big time, and now you might really fucking die!"

"This is your fault, you rude fuck! I was being nice to you! I even put that hairy churro in my precious mouth because I was proud of you and you've gone and fucked it all up! I told you, you fucking ruin everything!" Oh, god. Please don't give me that look of his right now.

"You… well, uh." His cheeks redden. "Proud?"

"Not right now I'm not! Now leave me to shit in peace!"

...

"Here." He hands me the toilet paper.

"Where'd you find this?!"

"There's a thing called a bathroom inside the liquor store."

"Fucking smart ass. I thought I told you to leave me the fuck alone?"

"Bitch, I wasn't yelling at you to make you feel bad. I was yelling because I was fucking worried, okay? Worried that you might actually die. What the fuck am I going to do for you all the way out here?"

I burp, followed by a shrug.

"Yeah. Of course she doesn't fucking care."

"Whoa, I can wipe my own leather cheerio, dingus!"

"Will you fucking hurry up then?"

I drag this out as long as I possibly fucking can but he suffers through it. Damn, I hate when you're trying to get a rise out of someone and they don't let you. Fucking waste.

"Here, drink this. Found it in one of those little prick's bag. Small sips."

"I'm going to lay down."

"No." He hooks my arm before I start towards the office inside the liquor store. "You don't ever sleep somewhere where there isn't more than one way out. Behind the register is where we'll sleep."

I don't even get to lay down before I run off to puke again. This outta be fun.

* * *

I pull the cork from this vodka and use it to rinse my mouth out.

"That's the best vodka there is and you're spitting it down the drain."

"There's nine more fucking bottles. Get off my tits!"

"Here, this will make you feel better."

"Fuck me, yes!" I hoist the skull bottle up in triumph. "Oh, hold this." I shove it back into him.

"Gin?"

"It's for Simon. He loves gin."

Negan rolls his eyes. "This ain't a fucking vacation. You're not here to get souvenirs for other men."

"Jealous?"

"Yeah. I fucking am, okay? Where's my goddamn souvenir?"

I didn't plan it this way, but I end up throwing up all over the floor. "There. Wait. There's more."

"Go fucking do that shit in the bathroom!"

"Asshole," I murmur.

* * *

I feel a slight tug on my hair.

Negan is putting it up into this rubber band he found. He has a seat on the bathroom floor next to me.

"Why do you keep looking at me like that? Like you're going to cry."

"It's, uh. Deja-fucking-vu. The chemo made her sick like this. Spent more and more days with her face first in the toilet." His brows draw together. "And then she was gone."

"Do you think I'm going to die?"

"I don't know, but if you are there isn't a goddamn thing I can fucking do about it, either."

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be comforting me?"

"She was the strong one. I wasn't. We'd be out at the park or some shit and I'd just start sobbing like some little bitch. She'd get all pissed off and tell me that I was making a scene. I was losing my best friend. I mean, you tell me," he yells. "What was I supposed to fucking do? Act like nothing was wrong? Fucking go about my day like everything was fine fucking fine? Yeah. That's what she did. My stomach used to turn when we'd be apart and the phone would ring. I just knew that it was only a matter of time before I picked it up and it was someone on the other line from the hospital. Formally addressing me by my last fucking name to tell me she was gone."

Negan is always long winded when he speaks so it's nothing new. It's one of his more annoying qualities. But he's never been this long winded about Lucille before. I listened to him blame himself for her death for almost an hour. It upset my stomach more than the water. "Do you want affection?"

"No. Just don't make me have to see you turn, too."

* * *

"RM?"

"Yeah, huh, what?" I lazily open my eyes. Fuck today sucks. Every time I start to doze off, I'm running to the shitter.

"You need to eat something. Come here. Found some Cheetos in the gas station down the street."

I sit between his legs as he feeds me one of the Cheetos.

"Why do you keep tugging on your stockings?"

"My beauties itch real bad."

"They itch?"

"Yeah, and they burn."

"Shit, that's not good," he sighs. "When did this start?"

"I've been itchy since I woke up."

"Will you show me?"

"No way- oh, no!" I've been itching so much I've ripped another hole in them!

"It's okay, it's a small one."

"Dumpy, my legs are on fire." I push my bottom lip up.

"I gotta see them, RM."

Fine. "Just a little peek. Ouch," I whine as I pull them down. My skin is bumpy and in some parts bloody. "No!" I slap his hand away.

"I won't hurt you. Let me help you."

I shake my head no, raking blood up and down my leg.

"Stop scratching, you're hurting yourself."

"I wanna go home," I whine.

"I know you do, but you're too sick right now."

"Maybe it's chicken pox?"

"You can't get chicken pox more than once."

"My friend Specs had chicken pox seven times. No, wait. Maybe those were his meth scars."

"You ever try meth? Give me your foot."

I hold onto his shoulder and lift up my foot so he can help me. "I tried to cook it once. Burned my goddamn eyebrows off. Singed all my hair almost to the scalp. Even my nose and cheeks were burned. I looked like Lady Elaine Fairchilde from Mister Rogers."

Negan laughs so goddamn hard I think he's going to puke.

"I'm glad you're fucking amused."

"Yeah. I am. Shit. Other foot."

I switch sides. "Any-fucking-way, after that I just had no desire to do a drug that- woah!" I snatch my beauties from him. "What the fuck?! You used that pervert mind power of yours again to get my beauties off!"

"I wasn't trying to trick you. I was trying to distract you."

"I told you they don't like men to touch them!" I huddle in the corner with my back to him.

"I won't touch them. I just want to see your legs to make sure you're alright."

My chest is tight as I sit vulnerable on the floor. "I don't know."

"I'll stop if you don't like it."

I glance at him over my shoulder. "Do you fucking swear you won't talk perverted to me?"

"I know this is fucking hard for you. That look you gave me when I threw them in the fire is not some shit I ever wanna see again."

I slowly inch around to face him, and extend my legs out.

His eyebrows furrow as he takes in my skin. "I think it's just a rash. A side effect from the water."

"I'm sorry that I drank that water," I frown.

"I know you are, RM." He runs his fingers in my hair.

It feels real motherfucking nice. Finally, some fucking relief. "Can I put my beauties back on?"

"I think you should leave them off. It will help the rash go away."

"Do you promise you won't look at my hip scars?"

"I'm just gonna put your shorts back on."

"Oh, no!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

"My beauties have blood on them!"

"It's okay, we can wash your beauties."

"We?"

"Well… I mean, I can. If you want. I don't mind. You don't need to be out in the snow anyhow."

I tighten them into a small ball. "Madsen is the only one allowed to touch them."

He gives me a weak smile, nodding his head. "Here, take my gloves and finish your Cheetos. I'm going to go look for supplies."

"Are you mad?" It's a stupid question. Of course he's upset, but I'm scared. Madsen is all that I've known. Sure, I thought that Richard was fine, but this is different. I'm not acting like myself around Negan. Just the fact that I contemplated giving him my beauties in the first place is a huge step for me. I know he doesn't understand it. To him, he's disappointed. I wish I could just say what I fucking mean. Fuck.

* * *

I walk in the restroom where Negan is soaking a rag with alcohol and cleaning his bloody shoulder blade. I can feel my heart in my throat as I start to panic. "Are you okay?"

"Fine."

"But you're bleeding!"

"Why are you up?"

"I'm feeling better today."

His eyes shift in the mirror and I'm given a smile. A real smile this time. "Yeah?"

I do a double take because it's so genuine. I feel important in that moment. Oh, god, fuck. No. Not him. Don't fall for him, RM. "Thanks to you," I flirt. I don't do my eyelash flutter thing. That didn't seem to go over to well with Richard. What are you doing, my inner monologue screams at me. No, stop! "When we get back to Sanctuary, do you want to spend some-"

"Yeah, come on. I wanna be balls deep in a pussy buffet by tomorrow." He bumps into me again on the way out.

"...some time together," I frown. RM, you're so fucking stupid.

"RM, come on!"

"Yeah. Sure..."

...

I slide my feet up the wall of this shithole dwelling we found for the night, then start to tap my big toes together. Feels good to have my DM's off after the grueling walk today. I could go for one of Madsen's foot rubs. Though I'd rather just skip to what came after it. Me. I snort at my own words. What I'd give for those rough hands catching on my beauties. I loved being on top and teasing him while I slowly accepted his length.

Negan lets out a trapped breath before pulling in another lung full of air.

I turn my head some and notice his eyes glued to my feet. It isn't like I embarrass him when I catch him jerking it because the man has no shame, nor is he showing any signs of stopping. Honestly, I like that about him. That he's not shy to fuck with others in the room. I fucked Madsen a few times while Dominic was passed out on the floor. It really got me going when we were caught. I was always ashamed of that though and played like it pisses me off. Negan seems to get off on it, too. It used to make me laugh when Sherry would be painting her toe nails while Negan fucked one of his wives on the lounge across from her. I look back at Negan again as it makes me think.

He's zipping up his pants.

"Do you have a thing for feet, too?"

"Yes."

His honesty after he fires one off catches me off guard.

"But what I really like are feet in stockings. That line across the toe, goddamn!"

"I couldn't tell."

He sighs and rubs the back of his neck. "Did I, uh, make you uncomfortable? You didn't stop me, so I figured it was okay."

"No, I don't mind if you look at them."

"You have nice feet, bitch."

"Thanks," I smile.

"Anything I can help you with? Want me to smoke while you play DJ?"

"No, it's okay. That shit's kinda fucking personal for me."

"Damn, that's too motherfucking bad."

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. Here I bitched at him the other day for talking about sex, and now I'm trying to coax it out of him. Even worse is how his compliments are making me feel good. It's not often I turn other men on. Maybe Negan isn't the best example. It's not hard to turn him on. Speaking of, he's got a decent sized chubby going on again. "What are you thinking about?"

"You rubbing those nylons against my cock. A foot jerk while you're wearing those stockings. Shit, I'd die a happy fuck. I'd probably shoot my load clear over you."

"These beauties wouldn't feel that great. The stars are scratchy."

His face flinches uncomfortably from how hard he is as he tugs on the denim.

Once again I find myself feeling real good that I've worked him up. "Did Lucille wear stockings a lot?"

"No. She did once for my birthday. I was so fucking turned on, I blew my load before I could even get inside her."

"I like talking to you about this stuff."

"Yeah? Didn't you just bitch at me the other day for it?"

"Let me make it up to you." I slam my eyes shut. Jesus, that's a worse pick up line than the ones he has!

"You think you'd let me touch your feet some? I promise I won't go any higher than your ankle."

"You know these beauties don't like men to touch them."

"What if you took them off?"

"No way, never again."

"I won't hurt them."

My eyes shoot over to him. Them? He... he respects their feelings? Jesus Christ, I sound fucking crazy. I am crazy! Or am I? At least I didn't name my stockings Madsen, though I understand why she's personified through the baseball bat. "If I don't like it, you'll stop?"

"I promise. Please," he pouts.

Shit, fuck, shit, fuck! I hate when he does that. Fucking fine. I hop up on the couch, putting my legs over his.

His eyes move down them with a groan. "Goddamn, you have the nicest legs."

"Whose legs are you talking about? Yours? Because I sure as shit don't have anything but knee caps."

"Shut up, bitch."

"Will you please get this over with?"

"Never mind."

"Well, I was all worked up but then you open your fucking mouth."

"Yeah? I get your stockings wet?"

"Shut up, Negan!"

"I love nothing more than the sound of my own name except when it's coming from you."

"Yeah? You like that nickname dumpy I gave you?"

"At least you were thinking about my cock when you gave it to me."

My toes wiggle when he runs his finger up the middle of my foot.

"Shit that's fucking hot. Will you rub your feet on my face?"

"Okay, this is getting fucking weird. I ain't trying to sit here and shame you for liking what you do, but feet on your face? Seriously?"

"I just... like you, bitch," he murmurs. "And I don't care what part of you is on my face."

"No, shit, you romantic fuck?"

"Just forget it."

"No, wait now. Wait a fucking minute. Shit. You can't just rub your soggy egg roll on me once and expect me to bend over." My toes curl again when his fingers run along the outside of my foot. I clear my throat some. "Better."

"Scoot back."

I move off of him so it's only my feet on his lap.

He takes my left one and starts to massage it. "You gonna help me rebuild my bike so I can get you back on it?"

"I've never done a rebuild before."

"I think you'd be fucking fine," he smirks.

"At least I'd be doing something to contribute. When I was at the Kingdom, I felt useful for the first time in my life."

"You miss it there?"

"Yes."

"Oh." There's a bit of sadness in his voice.

"What did Simon mean when he said that you would offer immunity for three months?"

"It's a long story."

"I have a whole other foot for you to rub. Try me."

"There's communities nearby that give me supplies. In return, we protect them."

"Who died and made you Queen?"

"It's no different than having police. People pay taxes that paid law enforcement. Only I'm the law now, and they pay with supplies. Besides, I'm over a few communities. If they don't like it, I ain't forcing them to stay."

"I was just curious. I'm not judging you."

"Yeah fucking right. You're probably thinking how I'm this tyrant."

"Madsen had zero tolerance for people who owed him drug money. If you didn't pay, you ended up in the ground. People didn't have to buy drugs. It wasn't like he cut off the town's water if they weren't addicts."

"That's a good point, bitch. Just for the record, Cheetos aren't easy to come by."

"Do you really take the other communities Cheetos?"

"Yeah, I do. Other foot," he laughs. "What's that look for?"

"I don't do anything for you, yet you treat me like a wife. Protection. Food. Point immunity."

"I want you to focus on staying clean. Learn how to read. You can't do that worrying about fucking points."

"You wasted all this time and gas looking for me."

"Well, I fucked up as you put it. Figured I owed you."

Fuck that feels so fucking good. Those big hands against my beauties. He's keeping his word about not going any higher.

"Unless you wanna forgive me." He circles his index finger around my ankle. "I wanna fuck you in just these stockings so bad."

My eyes close as he applies pressure to the arch on my foot.

His other hand snakes his way to my shorts.

I watch him flick open the button, and I even lift up some to help get them off.

He unzips his pants and pulls himself free.

Fuck. I wanted to tell him no, but I can't speak the words. Shit, since when am I speechless? Oh, it's not what I thought though.

Negan encases himself using my feet, moving them up and down. "Fuck," he moans.

Oh, shit, not that moaning fuckery. This is so strange using my feet like some kind of nylon sausage wallet, but he's so fucking turned on.

There are a few times he has to stop and catch his breath. "Fuck. You wanna fuck?"

I part my legs some and give him a shy nod.

That long body wastes no time stretching over me.

I watch everything he does as if he's going to disappear at any moment and he'll be one of **them**. Digging their filthy nails into my hips.

 _Aren't you a peach, baby girl?_

No! I'm not your baby! I'm no one's baby!

Negan lowers his head and sighs.

It pulls me away from Mama's house and back to the present. "What's wrong?"

"Really? You're going to ask me what's wrong? You're fucking lying there with this look on your face like I'm about to rape you!"

I didn't realize it was that obvious. "I'm just nervous, okay?"

"Yeah, right. Since when have you been one to be fucking reserve? You fucking whore that pussy out any chance you get."

"Wait, I-"

"Don't worry. Message fucking received. I won't ask to fuck again. I won't even touch you."

I sit up and grab his bicep. "Negan-"

He shoves me off him. "Same goes for you, cunt. Keep your fucking hands off me."

"I'm sorry!" I know he's fucking angry, but it's more than that. Negan hates sexual violence, and the fact that I've made him feel like he's forcing himself on me is a terrible feeling. I try to explain myself but he tells me to shut the fuck up. Oh, no! What have I done?!

* * *

Things between Negan and me got worse. If I was too cold, he told me to walk fucking faster. If I was tired, he forced me to keep going. If I was scared, he told me to get the fuck over it. I couldn't wait to get home, and after the fifth day we finally fucking arrive. I see relief on Simon's face before he kneels. Fucking stupid.

"Good to see you're back, Sir."

"RM, come on," Negan gripes.

"I need to talk to Simon. Go slam the clam and leave me the fuck alone."

"Fucking bitch," Negan mutters.

Finally. His bad mood was bringing me down. "Hi, you cute Cheeto," I smile.

"You just couldn't wait to leave us again, huh?"

"It sucked out there. I got sick from water and almost shit my beauties. Oh, I got you something. Here." I hand over the bottle of gin.

Simon seems confused then looks over his shoulder. "I can't take this."

"But you like gin. I remember because no one likes gin. That's why there was so much of it."

"It wouldn't be right."

"If you're worried about dingus he already knows."

"Oh. Well, in that case," he smiles. "This, uh, sounds weird, but no one's ever given me anything so sorry if you were expecting a better reaction."

"I understand. I'm not used to gift things either."

"No one to spoil you before the outbreak?"

"Well, sometimes the owner of the strip club would let me have clothes the girls didn't want."

"You're a little young to be a stripper."

I snort. "Me? In heels? And underwear string up my clammy loaves? That's funny. My mom was the stripper."

"Anywhere near here?"

"I don't even know where here is. It was the Velvet Clam."

"No shit? What's your mom's name?"

"Rebel."

His eyebrow peaks as he rubs the back of his neck.

I hold my knees and bellow out a laugh. "You fucked my mom!" Well, then again who didn't she fuck? Damn, too bad I didn't meet Simon then.

"I did a lot of coke back then. It was a weird time."

"Coke? Did you know my Madie?"

"Madsen?"

Just hearing him say that name brings tears to my eyes.

"Madsen was a real decent dude."

Yeah. Was. I frown, looking up some to keep my tears from falling. I feel stupid.

"When I first met Negan, for a second I thought he was the same guy. Is that why you're a wife?"

I shake my head no.

"Madsen was kinda old for you, don't you think?"

"Age is fucking stupid. He still got it up twice a day. And his body was so fucking fine." Fuck. Now I'm all worked up.

"You better get going. They'll be out here soon to play that soccer game you hate."

Well, shit. There goes my boner.

"Thanks for the gin."

"Anytime," I smile, starting inside. Much to my surprise, dingus here is waiting on me. "What's the look for?"

He angrily points upstairs.

I don't know why he waited. Maybe he's jealous of Simon and me? Though it sure didn't seem that way because as soon as we get upstairs he doesn't even shower before he's balls deep in the first bitch wrinkle that's willing. I can't describe what it's like watching him so into her, meanwhile he can't even stand to let me touch him. Still no shower when he comes back to his room. He dives face first right onto his bed. Half his body is still hanging off of it. "Fuck you," I murmur.

* * *

Negan is stooped over on his bed when I wake up.

"Are you alright?"

"Fine. My shoulder is a little sore." He keeps trying to twist his body as if he's going to be able to see it.

What an idiot. "Let me look at it." At least his back isn't hairy. "Oh, gnarly, man. It's oozing fucking white and yellow shit."

He wipes the beaded sweat collecting on his brow.

"We'll probably have to amputate."

Negan doesn't even crack a smile.

"Dumpy?" I wave my hand in front of his face. Uh, shit! "I'll go get help." I figured Sherry would know what to do, but she's not in the parlor. Maybe something like this I should just get the doctor for.

"You again. What now?"

"It's Negan, he's like, really sick looking!"

The doctor doesn't seem too concerned until he actually sees Negan's back.

Negan didn't tell me but he was stabbed by one of those men that flipped his bike. The infected wound has now turned into sepsis. "No," I whine, pushing the needle away from his arm. What the hell kind of syringe is this?

"Move. I need to administer antibiotics through an IV."

"RM, get out of the fucking way," Negan groans.

Oh. I thought it was drugs… "Sorry. I'm just trying to help."

"Go sit fucking down."

"Okay," I frown, going over to my pallet. I watch everything, not understanding any of it. When we're finally left alone, Negan doesn't speak to me. "Can I get you anything?" Don't really know why I asked.

* * *

I tried to do my part for Negan. He keeps having these hallucinations. He's called me Lucille twice. None of his wives even cared that Negan could basically die at any moment. Fuck. His bandage is bleeding again. "Can somebody please help me?"

"Take one too many pills this time," nympho wife responds, flipping the page of her magazine.

I rip that motherfucker from her hands and take it into the bathroom. Just as I'm finishing peeing she comes into the bathroom. I tear the article and use it as toilet paper.

"I was reading that, bitch!"

"Oh, how motherfucking rude of me." I hand the article back to her.

"Sherry," she yells.

What the fuck is Sherry gonna do? God, I fucking hate how they always run to Sherry. Then again, that bitch does have one hell of a right hook. Hmm. Maybe I should give the magazine back before I end up with glass in my goddamn eye again.

"RM, give her the magazine."

I give it back because this isn't about me and my anger for this dumb bitch wrinkle. "Will someone help me now? Negan's bandage is bleeding."

"He's fine," Sherry tells me.

"The doctor said we need to change his bandag-"

"Then fucking change them," dumber yells at me.

"And go back to his room. No one wants you here. You're a fucking charity case." Nympho wife goes back to her bed.

"Fuck you! Fuck all you cunts, okay? This isn't about me. This is about him. Has anyone bothered to check on him? He might die."

"RM, stop! You're upsetting the girls."

I yank my wrist from Sherry. "Sherry, remember when all your scrap book stuff got ruined by the water from the hole in the roof and Negan stayed up all night to cut out more of that shit for you?"

"Are you kidding? He made an even bigger mess and manage to glue two of the pages together that weren't ruined!"

"Well, dumb and dumber, remember when you both had the bugs in your hair and he helped get them out with that small brush?"

"He bitched the entire time," they shout in unison.

"Amber, he got you that fucking mongrel even though he's allergic to dogs!"

"Don't think he's not waiting for the chance to get rid of it!"

"I don't understand! Negan might be a motherfucker, but he's **our** motherfucker. If it was any one of us with sepsis he wouldn't have left our sides and, knowing him, he'd beat himself up over it because he'd blame himself for it."

"If one of us gets shot, it would be his fault, stupid bitch." Nympho wife rolls her eyes.

I'm so fucking upset right now, I can't stand to be around them. I quietly shut his door. His breathing sounds awful. I pull the bloody disgusting bandage from his back and try to get the other one to stay, but it keeps falling. I press it to his back and hold it there until morning. The doctor couldn't have come a minute sooner because my eyes are so heavy.

He makes it look so easy using this white tape to secure a new one in place.

I wiggle my fingers to try and get the feeling back in them. "Will he wake up soon?"

"I'm not a mind reader."

"Well, I'm just-"

The door is slammed shut.

"...worried," I murmur.

* * *

I walk across Negan's bed carefully with this cup of hot Raymond's soup for him. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but I didn't spill it on him. "Dumpy, are you awake?" I set the soup on the end table. "Dumpy, will you wake up now?" I... I'm starting to freak out. What if this fucker dies? He can't die! "Please!"

Nothing.

I nudge him a bit.

Nothing.

Even a few tugs on his hairy churro doesn't do anything. Damn. He's left me all alone like Madsen did. My eyes well up as I shake my head. "I hate you for dying on me!" I start to feel bad. This is my fault! I asked him to take me for a ride on that stupid bike. I pull on the skin of his eyelid. "Will you wake up?" As I let go, it moves back in place. He's still burning up when I touch his cheek. Here Negan took care of me when I drank that bad water and I can't even do anything for him! I lay down with my back to him. It takes all my strength, but I move his arm over me. I feel like I'm being crushed, but it's okay. His chest hair is itchy as I try to get even closer against it. I don't sleep much that night. How can I?

 _I was losing my best friend._

Yeah. That's how I feel right now.

* * *

I'm cold when I wake. The bed is vacant. Vacant? I twist myself around to see him sitting on the couch putting on his boots. He's awake? He's alive!

I wrap my arms around his neck.

"Stop," he snaps annoyed. "Jesus fucking Christ, get a hold of your-fucking-self."

"I thought you died!" I press my lips to his ear.

"Fucking stop. It's turning me on."

I pull away some, rocking back on his hips. There are about twenty things I wanna tell this fucker.

His eyes trail my jawline to my lips, then slowly meet mine. "Thought I told you not to touch me?"

"Is that what you really want?" I can't read his face right now. "I've been really worried about you."

He inches me closer by the small of my back. "Worried?"

I nod feeling the heat rush to my cheeks.

His lip tugs upward, coiling in some devilish grin.

I feel a pull on my shorts.

He's unbuttoned them, and eases down my zipper.

"Sir," the doctor starts. "Your vitals."

He rolls his eyes annoyed. "Stay here. Fuck! You, get out of my room."

Negan sits on one of the lounges in the parlor while the doctor takes his vitals.

I sit with my back against his door frame. It takes for fucking ever, but he's going to be okay. What… what's Negan doing? But... I push my eyebrows together watching dumb and dumber all over him, followed by nympho wife. I'm a fool. I can't really be mad, I mean given his choices of course he'd pick three over one. God, he is all about them. His greedy lips touch all of them. Hands, too. I've never felt this fucking shitty before. This rejected. This pathetic. I watch the whole thing knowing that should be me.

Negan doesn't seem to care who he's spilling into right now. He leans back, catching his breath.

"We were all so worried about you."

"Liars," I whisper bitterly.

The girls curl up with him, and it's clear he's not moving from that spot tonight.

I can't bring myself to say how full of shit they are because I've never seen a smile that big across his face and even though he wouldn't admit it I think it would really hurt his feelings if he knew how they didn't give a fuck about him. Instead, I pick myself up and quietly close his door so I can get a full night's worth of sleep. I try to curl up with my aliens. They're cold. There's no smiles on their faces. They don't have any itchy body hair. No heavy limbs to squash me with. Worst of all, not an annoying snicker or word.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N A lot of people ask me how old RM is. That conversation is coming. When I started writing and mapping out each chapter, I really didn't expect this to go farther than 12 chapters but I kept on adding parts here and there. I'm actually having a lot of fun, so just a heads up this is going to be a long fic. If you've read Stigmatic you know I'm long winded anyhow, lol.**

* * *

 _ **Induratize**_ _(v.) to make one's own heart hardened or resistant to someone's pleas or advances, or to the idea of love._

* * *

Negan doesn't even acknowledge me in the morning. I guess to him our last exchange was that argument we had. Maybe that was his plan all along. Get me vulnerable to disregard me like all the times I did him. It doesn't get any better come that night. I walked in on Negan balls deep in nympho wife so I've been pacing outside his door waiting for them to finish. Goddammit, and they've been in there for like an hour. Since when the fuck does he even need ten minutes to fire one off? Fuck it, I'm tired as a motherfucker. I'll slip in quietly, get my things, and leave. The only problem is when I step inside… I'm not leaving. I just stand there and stare at his bed. He's sleeping with that bitch wrinkle. His face is planted between her huge fake Christmas hams. Whatever, I don't know why I fucking care. At least I can get some sleep now.

* * *

This continues to be a nightly occurrence. If it's not the bitch wrinkle nympho wife, it's dumb and or dumber.

"Out," Negan barks at me.

"I'm trying to finish this picture book-" Oh. I see. Two girls are already at his side. It's not like I have any say in this. I'm a good little submissive fuck and march myself into the parlor.

Nympho wife snickers at me.

I don't give a dead trash squirrel's last shit and carry on with my business. "Sherry, what's in this cabinet?"

"I think booze."

My eyes roam the inside of the cabinet. It's some half empty box of a few scotch bottles, a mousetrap, and some random tools. Oh! Lights! These are bad ass. I use the one tool to take the door off the cabinet, then throw the mousetrap away. The rest of the scotch is put on the bar. Yes! Now I have a small little space for me away from Lord dingus. I hang my lights using duct tape, then drape a sheet for privacy.

Sherry laughs, folding her arms. "That's pretty cool, actually."

"Do you wanna come inside?"

"I don't think I'll fit."

"Who's coming in who? What won't fit? What the fuck am I walking into?" Negan smirks, snaking his arms around Sherry. "I like where this is going."

Sherry rolls her eyes, shoving Negan off her.

"Come on, RM. Bed."

I close my curtain so I don't have to see him.

"Fine, fuck all you bitches. I got what I wanted anyhow."

This cabinet is paying off already.

* * *

After three nights in my cabinet, my back was starting to hurt so I had to return to sleep in Negan's room. We haven't said one word to each other. Negan forgot about me when everyone got to spend their points in the supply room. I'm running low on cigarettes and I only have one more cup of Raymond's soup. Guess it will have to get me through the week because he hasn't been bringing me any alien food either. I've been spending most of my time on this school shit. It's hard because all the other children are way more advanced than I am, but I've managed to learn a few words. I still can't read this skeleton book yet. I got it from the doctor. Why do the hard ones to read have to have the coolest pictures?

* * *

Negan didn't come home last night. He slept with bitch wrinkle on her bed. I tried to ask him about breakfast but he ignores me and goes about his day. I'm using these letter magnets when he comes home.

"What ten words did you learn today?"

I hand him my paper.

"This one isn't right." He corrects 'flammable' for me and hands it back so I can study it. "Speaking of flammable, I'll be back. Gonna go throw some wood in. Heh. Get it?"

I don't respond.

"You mad at me?"

I shake my head no and use my letter magnets to work on this word. There's another package I open so I can have more than one of each letter.

"Well, what's wrong? You sick or something?"

I spell out the word no.

He kneels down, letting out a grunt as his joints pop. "Something is wrong."

I don't really have anything to say to him, and spell out nothing.

"Bullshit, RM. Talk to me."

My eyes burn back at his. "Do I gotta let you fuck me so you'll make time for me?"

He's speechless, just squatting there all dumpy like.

"Forget it, man."

"I thought you'd appreciate the space."

 _Trust no man._

That's what Mama always said. I'm such a fool for ever even considering letting him touch my beauties. "Then give me my goddamn space so I can do my work." I watch him launch some ceramic fuckery across his room. Laughing about it sure doesn't calm him down but what a fucking baby.

* * *

Negan continues his shit ass mood today as he grumbles about inventory. He called poor Carson in here and chewed him up one side and down the other like it's his fault. Now he's chewing out my cute little Cheeto Simon. I crawl up on his bed and put the sheet over me, then slip on my sun glasses. "Wooooooooooooooo."

"Knock it the fuck off."

I launch myself across the bed thinking he'll catch me. Well... he didn't, and I land on his end table as I take it and myself to the floor. Oh, Jesus, fuck, why?!

He shoves it off me, making it clear he ain't happy. "RM, I ain't in the fucking mood."

Ouch. I rub my bloody elbow. "Yeah, no shit you ain't in the fucking mood."

"Shut the fuck up, RM."

"Fine." After three run-ins with the wall later, I find his door. Once I'm in the parlor, I start messing with his wives. Grump and grumpier aren't having my shit as they put it. Amber dismisses me like the others. "Woooooooooo!"

"RM, what are you like eleven?"

"I don't know," I mumble.

"Get in this room, now," Negan yells across the parlor.

I pull the sheet off my head and throw it to the ground. "Fuck a bunch of you guys. Everyone acts so goddamn put out by my shit all the time like all of you aren't annoying as a motherfucker with your goddamn negativity! You start off your fucking day bitching at each other over every little thing. Oh, but let's make fun of me because I'm trying to make light of this shit fucking situation." I march my ass from the parlor and leave them to their fucking misery. I've had it with their shit. I've had it with everyone's shit. Big fucking deal if the world has ended. Does that mean we live the rest of our lives in fear and pissed off? I sure fucking ain't. No goddamn way. I wasn't about that shit before and I ain't about that shit now. "Could I trouble you for a bandaid, or are you in a shitty mood today, too?"

The doctor slides open one of the drawers and hands it to me.

"Thank you." I keep trying to stick the thing to my elbow. "This one is broken."

He narrows his eyes and takes it back. "Here."

I don't know how he did it but it works now. Guess I'll let Negan cool down and start for the basement to play. It's a fucking gold mind of things to play with like these rickety carts. I like to stand in them and push myself around with one of the broken boards. "Oh. Hi."

Dwight gives me a smile. "Been a while."

"Yeah. I never see you."

"You staying clean?"

I show him my arm.

"That's real good, RM." Dwight presses his lips to my forehead.

I take it as an invitation. I've got needs, too! "Wanna mess around?"

"What do you want in return?"

"I don't want anything."

"I better not, RM."

I trace my finger over the small bandaid on his stomach. "No one has to know."

"Well fucking well well. What do we have here?"

"Nothing," Dwight speaks for us.

Negan scratches the side of his face. " **Surely** you weren't about to touch another one of my wives?"

"No."

"Next time, it won't be your face I burn. Why don't you run the fuck along then and let me talk to RM here." Negan taunts Dwight all the way to the steps.

"Fuck you, you manipulative sack of fuck!"

Negan loses his grin real fast. "You fuck him or anyone else and your free ride is over."

I suppose I didn't really think about that.

He yanks me to him by my wrist and I'm drug up to the parlor. "Oh, Sherry? Why don't you ask RM where she was? Dwighty almost had another infraction of the rules." Negan stops me from going in his room. "Have a good night," he winks, locking his door.

I swallow hard and turn around to Sherry's fist. "Ow," I whimper. I'm struck several more times before Sherry breaks a nail and she's in too much pain to keep going.

"Go near him again and see if I stop."

I hate Sanctuary. I want to go home!

 _Can I go home now?_

 _This... this is your home now._

 _I don't know you._

 _My name is Madsen._

 _I don't like this home._

If I only knew how good I had it then.

* * *

"RM, dinner."

Fuck. Finally. I haven't had anything to eat in days. Shit. We're eating as a group. They're equally surprised before I'm given a glare by each of them. I know his wives hate me. The druggie cunt is disrupting their normalcy they say, but never to Negan. The claws retract when the alpha male is present and I'm spared. For now.

"Here," Negan says, helping me put on a glove I guess he took from the doctor.

"Thank you." The rest of them are having some kind of… fucking I don't know what that shit is. Looks like something that used to come on the cooking show that takes a lot of time to make. I'm given my own special plate filled with, uh. "What are these again?"

"Grapes."

Oh, right. The shit your pants food.

Negan reaches inside his jacket and I'm given the smallest bag of Cheetos I have ever seen.

I giggle and take the bag. No one says anything while we eat. Negan probably fucked up and they're all mad at him.

"Chew with your mouth fucking closed," nympho wife gripes.

"Look, I might be a lot of things but a slob ain't one of them. Chips are loud. Calm your tits."

"Leave her alone," Negan snaps. "She ain't hurting anyone. Someone get me something to drink."

I don't see anyone jumping at that opportunity so I guess I'll make myself useful. He was kind enough to take into consideration the foods I like. "I spelled that word right."

"We'll go over a few more after dinner."

"Okay," I smile.

"The fuck ever," nympho wife murmurs.

"What was that?" Negan leans over. "I didn't catch that."

"You heard me!"

Oh, shit's about to get real. Great, and I'm stuck in the middle while they both bicker back and forth. Gross, and spitting on me now.

"Not another word!"

"Whatever, Negan, you fucking hypocrite. We all are thinking it. The way you spend your time with this drugged out whore over your wives-"

"Pack your things and **get out**!"

"What?!"

I'm equally taken back. Negan and I haven't exactly been on speaking terms. Why the fuck would he take up for me? Plus, you know it's bad when this motherfucker doesn't curse. I know that all too well.

"Now," he bellows, flinging her plate across the parlor. "Anyone else wanna fucking add anything?"

"We weren't all thinking it," Sherry adds trying to keep the peace.

"You don't have to like each other, but you will fucking respect each other. Am I under-fucking-stood?"

"Yes." The response is unanimous.

It is kinda hypocritical if you think about it. Shit, I can count at least twenty times Negan called me a druggie whore or cunt, yet he banishes nympho wife for being disrespectful? Maybe some part of him really despises that side of him so when he sees others making those mistakes it sets him off.

We all jump when his bedroom door slams shut.

Good thing I've got my smokes on me.

...

I'm freezing my tits off, and my wet hair isn't helping. Damn, this is almost giving me the willpower to quit smoking. Almost. Nah. It'd take an act of god to get me to quit. I wouldn't even quit for Madsen.

"RM, it's twenty-five fucking degrees out here and your hair is wet."

"You don't know it's twenty-five fucking degrees out here."

He shows me the thermometer.

"Goddamn Gabriel Fahrenheit," I mumble.

"How the hell do you know who Gabriel Fahrenheit is?"

"Public broadcasting, dingus. That shit was free on the television."

He moves his jacket around me and if that ain't bad enough his arms lock around me before he tucks his face away in the crook of my neck. "I miss all those terrible nicknames you give me."

Don't fucking fall for this fake bullshit, RM. The more pathetic he becomes, the weaker I get, too.

He encloses any space between us.

I'm not real quick to pull away. He's warm, so fucking warm.

"I got rid of her, RM."

Something in me just fucking snapped. Negan, you bastard. He doesn't give a fuck about me. "You're just trying to think of what you're supposed to do now that your most eager wife is gone. I ain't your fucking back up booty call."

"You're not that special, bitch."

"That just proves my point."

He spins me around and holds me by the face.

"You're hurting me," I whimper.

"I am sick to death of your fucking mouth. The way you speak to me like I'm some fuckboy ends fucking now. Do you understand me? You fucking cunt!"

I know he wanted to hit me because I can hear his leather glove tighten from the fist he's making at his side.

"Answer me!"

I break free and trip, scuffing my knee. The rough tar on the roof rips these beauties. They're not my real beauties, but it's not an excuse. "I'm not going to allow you to treat me like shit!"

"If you don't like it, get out!"

"You're dumber than I thought if you think I'm staying here with you after this! You hurt these beauties!"

"RM, I'm not coming after you this time!"

"Fuck you, Negan. You never came after me to begin with. You sent Simon. Just like you sent him to get my shirt. He get my aliens, too?"

That pisses him off. "If you leave, that's it!" He follows after me screaming and yelling.

I don't know why he's so afraid to lose me. This is his doing! He fucks things up, yet he can't understand what he's done wrong. Maybe other girls put up with his shit but not me so I pack my things. "Madie would never treat me like this!" I only heard Madsen raise his voice one time and it was at Cheeto.

 _Mad, we've been working towards this deal for years. If you walk out to chase after some girl, it's over._

 _I don't give a fuck about any of this! I will not lose her, and she is_ _ **not**_ _just_ _ **some**_ _girl, Charlie._

Madsen was everything a real man was supposed to be. Not like this pathetic sack of sorry shit putting his hands on me to get a point across. "Watch my aliens until I can send for them, please."

Negan's brow furrows and this motherfucker is finally silent.

That look won't save you now because I feel nothing for you. I can try to play like I'm not scared, but the truth is as I descend down the steps I'm terrified. I fear that if I leave to go back to the Kingdom, Negan would hurt Ezekiel and his men. If I run and try to survive on my own, it's suicide because I know I can't bring myself to kill the dead and I promised Morgan that I'd value my life. "Carson, could I get a room, please?" Not being able to go to the supply room for the last few weeks has bled me dry. I have no food. No gloves. And I smoked my last cigarette up on the roof. I might be forced to quit after all. There's no way I can earn enough points by tomorrow for the supply room. Well, like mother, like daughter. I knock softly on the metal door, but it still seems to echo through Sanctuary.

When the door opens, Connor slides his hand up the frame. "Guess there's only one reason you're here," he smirks.

"I need a few things tomorrow. Will you write it down?" Mama always said get what you want from a man first, so I deny Connor tonight. This is all that I know. Selling myself for a few basic necessitates. Madsen would fucking puke if he could see me right now. I'm actually ashamed of myself, too.

"You and Negan ain't… you know."

"No. I left him."

"I have other things, too."

"Just the things on the list, please." Yeah I wanted drugs, but being sober is my punishment for spreading my legs because I deserve to feel disgusting. I don't sleep that night knowing what's going to happen in the morning. It's not like I have a choice. I need these things. When that dreaded knock comes, it turns my stomach. I start to undress so what little I own isn't ripped. "Come in." I hang my head and slam my eyes shut as his boots inch closer. "Please... just… don't touch my stockings." Leather swallows me entirely. I pick up my head to see Negan kneeling in front of me. "How did you know?"

"When Connor asked where the gloves were."

I close his jacket tighter around my naked flesh.

"RM," he frowns, touching my cheek. "I didn't put the point system in place so women felt like they had to be my wives, or sell their bodies for some shampoo. Jesus fucking Christ, I did it so people would pull their fucking weight."

"I don't have a choice. I... I need these things, and I don't have the points!"

Negan's eyes sink a bit as he shakes his head side to side. "I'm..." His eyes well up until they can't hold back any longer and the barrier breaks. "I never wanted that," he stammers. Tears soil my beauties as he lowers his head. "I'm sorry."

I understand why Lucille told him he was making a scene when he cried in the park that day. Here is someone that prides himself on masculinity. Watching it fall to fuck so there's just some pathetic shell of a man is the most frightening thing I have ever seen. "I brought this on myself."

"You can't blame yourself for this. It's my fault."

"This has nothing to do with you!"

"I forced you into selling yourself for a bag of fucking chips. Just like I force my wives to be with me so they don't have to earn points."

"Now you're just being ridiculous. You of all people being against sexual violence like you are would never force a woman into something. They **chose** to be your wife."

"So I just forced you then."

"You're taking this the wrong way. I don't have a choice because of decisions I made. Decisions that got me to this point."

Negan is so fucking distraught, he just stares back at me blankly.

"Ask them what they think, and I'm telling you you're making this shit up."

"I think I'm going to fucking puke."

"No you're not! March your pancake ass up the steps and ask them." I know he's upset because he doesn't even try to retort.

Instead, he swipes my hand and I'm pulled up the steps with him. Don't really know why he needs me, but I guess if it makes him feel better. His fingers tighten around mine as his girls gather in close. "I know you're with me so you don't have to earn points, but is it also because you feel like there's no other way?"

I see it in their faces because it's the same look I gave him. That his thinking is absurd.

"No." The response is unanimous from the girls.

"I told you," I whisper up to him, untangling our fingers. "Goodnight." As I start down the steps, he comes after me.

"Will you stay?"

"No. I'm going back to my room."

"Please, RM. I know after everything I fucking did to you I don't have the right to stand here and ask that of you, but I don't wanna fucking be alone."

"Ask one of your wives."

"Don't fucking leave me!" This motherfucker actually gets down on his knees.

"I'm not going back to your room. You hurt me!" I shake my head at him and hand back his jacket before I start for my room. Fuck! I'm right back to where I fucking was. Another day with no food and it doesn't look like it's going to be any better.

* * *

My mattress is crunchy when I wake up. "What the fuck?" When I sit out of bed, I realize that I rolled over on a bag of Cheetos. In fact, my room is filled with gift things. Boxes and boxes of nitrile gloves. Bags of Cheetos. Cups of Raymond's soup. My aliens are all in the corner. One is even wearing a new shirt. Maybe I'm just a stubborn bitch, but I'm not buying any of this shit. Well, that's what I fucking thought until I see a pair of beauties on my make shift end table. The beauties he hurt on the roof have a bandaid over the part he ripped. I scoop them up and run from my room to find him in the parlor.

He's hunched over on one of the lounges as he rubs his forehead.

"Here. Drink this," Sherry tells him, handing over a steaming metal tin mug. "And take these." She puts something in his palm.

He grits his teeth, rolling his shoulder in pain. It's bloody, bruised, and scratched as he seems to be having one hell of a time moving it. His heavy eyes catch mine as he's swallowing his pills. Negan isn't one to show shame but it's written all over his face. It's more than him putting his hands on me, it's that I wasn't supposed to see him hurt like this. He's completely silent and I know it's because he doesn't want my pity.

I stretch my arm in front of me holding these beauties out.

"I never meant to hurt them." He's the only person that's ever referred to them as if they were real. "Will you come home?"

"I'm pissed the fuck off!" I've never seen someone just let go of a drink, but he did.

Dropped that motherfucker and went right for his room. He slams the door so hard it cracks.

"Fucking idiot," I murmur. I might be mad at this motherfucker, but I sure ain't too mad to take his gifts, and I can't wait to finally eat something.

...

They've left the furnaces going which helps to heat some of Sanctuary but unless you're in the cafeteria it doesn't do much good. I tried to sleep near it on the floor but apparently it's not allowed and I got yelled at. Nor is sleeping on one of the tables in the cafeteria. If only I had some type of blanket to keep me warm. Guess I could put on a third pair of beauties. Damn, this shirt dingus got me is actually pretty cool. It's a white cut off with little alien heads all over it. I'll use this for a blanket. I hope winter is over soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

* * *

I figured maybe my plan to stay warm worked until I realize I've acquired a new piece of clothing. One heavy worn-in leather jacket. That's not the only new accessory. His large arm drapes over me, pinning me down. Maybe it's for his own safety so I don't haul off and smack him. Not that I would.

"RM, before you say anything I know you're fucking pissed-"

"You don't know fuck all, bitch."

"I know that I fucked up."

"Leave me alone!"

"Just let me try. I never meant to hurt you or them."

Goddammit. When he talks about my beauties like this it makes me feel guilty for being mad at the fucker.

"It's more than just you being upset with me. People are going to start realizing you're not a wife anymore."

"I haven't been your wife for months."

"You know what I fucking mean. What happens when temptation becomes too much and that needle goes back into your arm?"

"I don't know," I yell.

"If you're willing to throw that pussy at Connor for some gloves do you really think you're ready to be on your own?"

"He offered me drugs but I didn't take them."

"This time."

I sigh, tracing some of the design sewn in the mattress. "Fine. Fucking fine. You want the truth? I hate being sober. I miss the drugs. Miss not giving a fuck because I guaran-goddamn-tee I wouldn't be this fucking worked up over shit."

He stills my fidgeting hand. "I know, believe me I fucking know."

Maybe in some weird way he needs me. I flip around as I bring my eyes up to meet his. "Do you have bad days like me?"

"All the time, RM. Why do you think I'm so goddamn moody some days?"

"Why do you stay sober? For her?"

"For me. That's the only way you'll succeed. I wanted to be better for her, but she showed me that my life meant something."

"That's really fucking romantic." I roll my eyes in annoyance.

"Fuck you, RM."

"Fuck you, man. What the fuck do I have to live for? I ain't gonna cure this goddamn outbreak, or make a difference in someone's life. Tell me you gotta get sober for yourself? That's the dumbest shit I've ever fucking heard."

"Alright, bitch, so why stay sober?"

"Because all life is precious, and that means believing that mine is, too."

"Madsen say that to you?"

"No!"

"Fucking sorry, damn."

"You once told me that you worried when I got clean that maybe my personality was because of the drugs. You were right, and I sure was a lot more fucking fun on drugs."

"I don't buy that shit. You're always a bitch, drugs or not," he smirks.

"No. I'm a different person."

"How?"

"Like I'd be so fucked up I didn't care what I had to eat. I used to think I wasn't picky. Now every meal is a panic attack."

"We'll get through that. You're doing really well."

"At least on drugs I didn't feel stupid."

"You're not stupid."

"I heard what you told Sherry. About my mental… mental..."

"Mental capacity."

"See?!"

"RM, that is not your fault. I will help you."

"You're just wasting your time."

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself. That ain't you."

"Leave me alone."

"What if we-"

"What part of leave me the fuck alone don't you understand?"

As he starts for the door, he looks back at me. "When you find RM will you tell that funny bitch that I miss her?"

"She's gone."

"She'll find her way. She always does."

* * *

Things between Negan and I aren't the same. It's awkward, and conversation is forced and dry. That's if we speak. It isn't because he's not making an effort. It's me and my shit ass mood. There's not much I want to say to the fucker. I still have some resentment from the way he's treated me. Speaking of, it's dark so he should be home. I only have four words ready for him today. I don't even know why I bother with this shit.

"I know you don't want to live with me anymore, but that doesn't mean you can't go in my room."

"Call me crazy, but I'm not trying to be in the same room while I'm waiting for you to finish slamming the clam so we can go over these words."

"I haven't really been in the mood the last few nights."

I do a double take over my shoulder to make sure it's really Negan. Same dumpy face. Butthole chin. Long freaky legs. Scepter hanging loosely between his fingers. I turn my attention back to the book I'm reading. Well, I don't know that I'd call it reading. More like looking at the pictures of the skeletal system.

"Uh, that book's a little advanced for you. Don't you think?"

"Calling me stupid?"

"No! I just mean because there are words in there that I can't even pronounce."

"Yeah, well, you fucking know everything," I murmur, flipping my page.

He sighs and sets Lucille on my bed. "Will you move your alien so I can have a seat?"

"No. Shiva is sitting next to me."

This motherfucker tries to squeeze between me and the wall on the other side instead.

I couldn't be any more irritated than I already am.

"We scavenged today."

There's a part of me that feels bad for giving him the silent treatment or whatever the hell you want to call it. Being a bitch, I guess... At least I'm living up to my name. I get tired of all his grunts and groans as he tries to get situated and just move fucking over even though I was quite comfortable.

Negan notices my several attempts to write Madsen's name and sighs. "If I could bring him back some way, I would, RM."

"Fuck you, Negan. His death ain't a goddamn joke!"

"I wasn't trying to make it a joke!"

"Leave me alone!"

"How long are you going to be mad at me?"

"I tell you what. Bring him back and then I'll forgive you. Fucking shithead."

"I didn't say it to be shitty. I thought a lot about what you said. About the kind of man Madsen was. Even if you didn't have him as your basis for comparison there is no fucking excuse that makes it okay for me to put my hands on you. Christ, especially when I'm two feet and two hundred pounds bigger than you are. I also thought about that shitty stuff I said to Sherry. RM, I didn't say it to make you feel stupid. I handled that wrong. I never should have gone to her of all people." Negan sets a box down in front of me. "Here."

"More stuff from Simon?"

"No." He pushes the lid off.

I peek inside the box to see a pair of black boots. These have a zipper on the side instead of shoe laces, and all these cool safety pins in them. Fuck they're fucking cool.

"I got you these until you can figure out how to tie yours. And you're half way there. You can tie a knot, you just gotta figure out the other half and I'll help you. Every day we can do shit little by little."

Tears fill my eyes as I zip up my new boots.

 _You didn't clean yourself._

 _I put the water on my body._

 _Here. This is called soap. You use it when you bathe._

"You were right when you told her that Madsen was something stable in my life. He taught me a lot of stuff like how you're doing."

"What if we did something together that reminded you of him? I mean, I look like the fuck."

"If that's your attempt to get inside my beauties, fuck you."

"As much as fucking you is at the top of my list, no. That's not what I mean. It's my attempt to cheer you up. What did you two like to do together?"

"Heroin. Then fuck." I really wasn't being sarcastic but I can read this motherfucker and he looks hurt. "I liked to watch him shave."

"Shave?"

"Yeah, you know, dingus, noun or verb depending on its usage. The removal of hair with a blade."

He chuckles, giving me a nod. "Alright, let's go shave then."

"I don't know about this."

"He can still live on through you. Through the memories."

This still seems like a bad idea, but I'm so empty inside. "Will you put on those gray pajama pants? Madsen had the same pair." I did find a certain satisfaction as his wives gave me dirty looks when stepping inside the parlor. It was even better when Negan told Dumber to shut up. I stick my tongue out at her before going in the bathroom. Luckily there's a decent sized counter so I can sit on while I watch- oh my god. "Why do you shave your face with a woman's razor?"

"That ain't a woman's razor!"

"If it ain't a straight razor, it's a woman's razor."

"I've been shaving with one of these for twenty-five years, bitch."

"Well, you've been shaving wrong." I hold the orange plastic stick up. "This? Going in the trash." I miss it entirely, but that ain't the point. "Keys."

"They're in my jeans."

I know I saw one of those straight razor sets in the supply room. Who would have thought I'd actually show the fucker something? This is going to be the best shave of his life. "Alright, dingus. Don't go and slit your fucking throat now."

"I'm not an idiot, bitch."

"If we're going to take this trip down memory lane, can you at least put some effort into being fucking nice to me?"

"Fucking fine."

"No swearing, either."

"You fucking shitting me right now? What kind of a man doesn't swear?"

"Look, this was your idea."

"I didn't say I'd pretend to be your boyfriend." He hooks my arm as I'm leaving. "Okay… I'll… try. Why'd he have a thing against swearing?"

"He wasn't against it and he'd swear occasionally but he had to be really pissed. Even then, he was still pretty chill. I only heard him raise his voice once."

"I'm starting to think the only thing we had in common was our looks."

"You'd be right about that."

"Well… maybe another thing." He softly grazes my elbow with a smile.

"You're wrong about that, too. Madsen wasn't affectionate. He said it was because of the way he grew up. He'd hold my hand sometimes, but I'm not affectionate, either. You were the first one that really showed me what it was like."

"I wasn't talking about affection. I was talking about you."

I twist around and look at myself in the mirror. What little there is to look at. My eyes move up to his. "Why do you like me?"

He takes his index fingers and tugs both corners of my lips upward.

I laugh and twist back around.

"That day when you were acting like a ghost I was a real fucking dickhead to you. I miss you, RM. How you'd wake up in a playful mood, and go to bed with a smile. I never realized just how much I needed something like that until I didn't have it anymore."

"Yeah. I took the time I had with Madsen for granted."

He gives me a nod. "I thought I had more time with Lucille, too."

"Do you want me to put on the white stockings?"

"No," he smirks. "I like these beauties."

Heh, he's got this chubby like Madsen would have as it brushes against my thigh.

"Sorry. I'm trying to think about anything other than being between your legs."

"I don't mind it. He'd have one, too."

"You guys fuck a lot?"

"It was never enough for me. His dick was so good I felt like some kind of degenerate eagerly waiting the next time he'd be inside me." Well, there goes his chubby. "Sorry."

"I asked. My fault. Guess I was kinda hoping you'd say no."

"Is that why you'd cheat on Lucille? Did she not put out?"

He lowers the blade down to clean the shaving cream on it and even well after it's clean, he's not stopping.

I still his hand. "It's okay if you don't wanna answer." I tug the straight razor from his grip. "Let me." I watched Madsen enough, I could do this shit in my sleep. "Why were you hoping I'd say no?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Tell me."

He shakes his head no.

There's no telling what he's thinking, though that sulky dumpy expression makes me wonder if he's jealous of the man Madsen was. After I wipe his face clean, I put some oil in my palm.

He pulls away and looks confused.

"Relax. You have sensitive skin so this will help." I massage the oil in his face. Well, he's got his chubby again.

"That feels fucking... yes."

This is too surreal. God, except for Madsen's blue eyes the resemblance in the low lighting is uncanny. Though Madsen was the kind of person that really didn't animate unless you talked to him. He always had such a serious look about him unlike Negan.

Negan tilts my chin up as he leans in and his lips almost graze mine.

"What are you doing?! Stop!"

"Uh," he flushes.

The fuck? "I should go, man."

"RM, wait. That was stupid of me."

I knew this was a bad idea, and now I'm even more lost than I was before. As I start down the steps I start to wonder if it's that goddamn oil that got me all worked up or him? Maybe I should start to be open to the idea of someone that isn't Madsen?

"Negan," one of his wives moans echo down the hall.

I should have fucking known better.

* * *

After my second cigarette, the fucker finally shows. I wait patiently for his speech to the other men to end. Just a bunch of blah blah blah and yada yada yada. Shut up already! I'm almost ran the fuck over when he dismisses them for dinner.

"H- hey, uh, hi," he greets me like a boy going through puberty.

I don't know what I'm more surprised by. That he's addressed me like some bitch in heat in front of his men or those reddening cheeks of his. I didn't think things would be this awkward between us. "Could you help me write a letter to someone?"

"Let me take a shower first and I will."

My eyes sink at the still damp blood on him.

"I know what you're thinking, but it's my blood. Just a disagreement."

It doesn't make me feel better to know he's hurt, but it means something that he considered my feelings about killing. Damn, this is awkward. He's just staring at me with these wide alien eyes. I let out a sigh of relief when he finally leaves. Oh. He left Lucille. That's not like him. She's not dirty, so that means he really wasn't lying about that blood. Well, he's not getting off the hook that easily because he has some pathetic alien face, no matter how cute it is. Ugh. I know Lucille wouldn't be happy with me touching her skin but luckily I have a glove on me. "I know, druggie cunt hands." I hold her between my thumb and index finger outward as if she stinks. My face only validating it. I never realized she's only like a foot and a few inches shorter than I am. Negan makes her look so tiny. Okay, that's a stupid comparison. He makes everyone-

"Stop, you know the rules," nympho wife whimpers around the corner.

The fuck? I find her cornered by four Saviors. "Leave her alone, or I'm going to tell Negan his fence needs a few dickless fucks on it." Lies, of course. But I was scared and shouted off the first thing I could imagine Negan saying. When they leave, I let out a sigh of relief. Though I wonder if Lucille had something to do with this one. "Thank fuck. That was scary."

Nympho wife brushes herself off with a soft sob. "You're the last person I'd expect to help me."

"Well, why? I don't like to see people bullied."

"No, because you hate me."

"I don't really hate people. You just piss me off with your bad fucking attitude."

"I was a lot happier when I was with him believe it or not."

I don't really understand that. He just makes me fucking crazy.

"How is he?"

Why is she asking me? Oh, that's right. No one really knows besides Connor that I left Negan. "Grumpy. Insufferable. I got like fifty more adjectives."

"What's an adjective?"

"It's a describing word."

"I only got to the seventh grade before I dropped out and ran away from home. How about you?"

"I didn't go to school. There's a school here. You could go back."

"Being in the kitchen takes up all my time. I better get going. The lady in there is really strict and I barely have enough points because I keep fucking shit up."

"Wait. Did you like being a wife?"

She starts to cry again, sniffing up her nose. "Yes."

"Negan has cooled down. Come on, let's go talk to him."

"You'd do that for me?"

She seems kinda dumb. I think if I responded with something smart ass, she might think I was serious. "Uh huh."

"Thank you so much, RM."

"You just going to stand there all nympho like?"

"For the record, I don't like it when you call me a nympho. I'm not really even all that sexual of a person. He's just the best I've ever had."

I'm going to puke. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Your name."

"Oh, right," she laughs nervously. "Birdie."

"Damn, that's a cool fucking name."

"Thank you," she giggles.

Negan said I could go in his room anytime, so here goes nothing.

"I didn't think you were going to show. I started inventory."

"Here's your scepter, my Lord."

He blinks twice, then swipes her from my hand. "I got a lot on my fucking mind."

Like I give a shit about his excuse to abandon Lucille. Anyway. "You should give Birdie another chance."

"Who the fuck is Birdie?"

"Your wife, dingus."

Negan looks her once over disgusted. "Get out."

"I told you, RM," she frowns.

"No, wait." I tug on her hand some. "Negan, don't act like you don't want her around. That's why I nicknamed her the nympho wife. Now you quit being such a fuck head, and ask her to marry you."

Negan loses his scowl and it's followed by a grin. "Well, who am I to turn down a girl who's practically begging for my cock."

Gross.

"RM, leave us. We're going to make up."

He didn't have to tell me twice. I make myself useful and collect Birdie's things from her room on the first level. Oh! I spot Simon across the way talking with one of the women. In fact, I start to laugh because he's giving her that blank stare that I always do. Hmm, that's kind of odd. It's the **exact** same stare that I give. I should probably rescue him from his misery. "Simon, Negan said quit playing with your speedo burrito and get to work."

He blinks and snaps out of it as he watches her leave. Simon starts to laugh, shaking his head. "I almost believed you for a second. Thanks. I thought she'd never shut up."

"I know that look when I see it."

"I usually zone out when I can't relate to the conversation. Play a movie in my head or something."

"Me too." I notice we're standing the exact same way so I shift my weight to my other leg. "Hey, wanna hang out?"

"Hang out?"

"I've got some time to kill. I thought maybe we could talk about Madsen?"

"Alright, follow me."

"What's in your hand?"

"Mustard greens and snow peas."

That didn't really answer my question, but whatever. Damn, it's so fucking warm in his room. "Wow." I run over to the corner. My hot breath fogs up the glass. "This is the biggest rat I've ever seen!"

"What? It's not a rat. It's an iguana."

"What's its name?"

"Nikola Tesla."

"Oh, hell yes."

He puts the stuff he was carrying inside the glass case. "Really? You know who that is?"

"Well, yeah."

"Most people just look at me like I've lost my mind."

"Did you know Nikola Tesla was born during a bad lightning storm?"

"No." Simon takes him from the cage and lowers him down some.

"I watched a special on him once." Ugh, this thing feels gross.

"Guess you didn't really come here to pet my lizard."

I tried to contain my laughter but I couldn't. He just keeps putting his foot in his mouth.

"Uh." He clears his throat.

"Better than your ding dong in my mouth."

"So," he starts, trying to change the subject although it's not much better, "you gotta thing for older men or something?"

"Age is fucking stupid."

"Yeah, but, RM, Madsen? He's older than me."

Normally, I'd tell someone to go fuck their-fucking-selves but I really like Simon and I know he's just looking out for me. My eyes well up thinking about being coiled around Madie's leg as he brushed my hair. "Madsen loved me. If anything, I used him."

"I don't believe you used him. In fact, I believe you bettered him."

"What do you mean?"

"I was homeless for a while. Drifting from place to place. Madsen broke the door down at this one place I was squatting at. He and another guy came in and I thought for sure they were going to start shooting up the place. Madsen pulled this guy named Ducky off the ground by his hair, what little there was, and kept repeating 'you want to put your hands on what belongs to me'? The next thing I knew, they took Ducky and left. I found out later Madsen had castrated him."

 _Don't touch my stockings! Please! No, you're ripping them, stop._

 _Yeah. Squirm, baby girl._

Ducky didn't deserve what Madsen and Cheeto did to him. I couldn't even look at Madsen after everything.

 _RM, you know you can stay here as long as you want, but you need to go home. Madsen is in a dark place._

 _Fuck him, Dominic. You saw what they did to Ducky._

 _I'm not above that shit, RM. If it were up to me, he'd be dead. The only reason my hands aren't bloody is because I was holding you._

Simon puts Nikola Tesla back in his cage. "I see how uncomfortable you are right now. It's that same look you gave that day when those men were playing soccer. Madsen had that reputation for putting people in the ground, especially when people owed him drug money. Him and that other guy."

"Cheeto." Well… this isn't going at all like I fucking hoped.

"The look on your face is like you're more upset that Madsen castrated him than Ducky hurting you."

"You don't handle shit by hurting people. Madsen was perfect in my eyes, but that was the one thing I could never agree with him on."

"Right before everything fell to fuck, I got really behind on a debt that I owed Madsen. I knew the second I saw him in that alley, I was dead. For whatever reason, he spared me. Now I know it's not because he was feeling generous that day. It was because of you. Today this guy attacked Negan, and I know that Negan had every right to kill him, but he didn't. He just let the guy go. Because of you. I know you get down when people hurt others, but don't let it change your views. The effect you have on people is altering the course of their actions."

"Thanks, you cute little Cheeto."

"I'm not trying to be rude, but you should probably go. I'm kinda nervous that someone might see you and think the wrong thing about us."

"Maybe I could go with you one day when you walk Nikola Tesla?"

"You don't walk iguanas. Well, I guess you could. Alright, when it's warmer though. He hates the cold."

That makes two of us. I hope Negan is done filling the pothole by now. Oh, good. She's in her bed. "Here." I set her stuff down beside her.

"Thanks." She forces a weak smile.

Damn, was the sex that bad? I hope he still wants to help me with that letter. Please have pants on. "Negan?" Ugh. Shit. I figured he'd at least be in a good mood. Not this sulking rage bullshit. "Fine, I'll come back another time," I murmur, starting for his door.

"She told me... everything."

"What? Told you what?"

"How you begged and fucking begged for help, and they ignored you. How they didn't give two fuc...ks... about... me-" He hangs his head, covering his face.

Goddamn her. This is exactly the reasoning I didn't tell him. I knew it would bother him.

"I'm so fucking sorry for the way I've treated you these past few weeks."

"Stop, please. I don't want your apology. It wasn't her place to tell you."

"You just going to carry that with you the rest of your life?"

"Yes, because the last thing I wanted was for this to upset you."

"I've gone and ruined everything between us when all you tried to do was help me."

Because your mouth fucking ruins everything.

"This is the first time since her death that I've truly felt alone."

I'm speechless by his confession as my brows knit in a frown. I ease down on his lap some and give him affection by patting his forearm.

"Will you come home now?"

"I don't think we're good together."

"Is this because I tried to kiss you?"

"You know that's not the reason."

His breath is heavy like he's eagerly waiting for me to change my mind. "I've been making an effort."

"I know you have."

He lowers his head against my chest. It's as submissive as the Savior leader can get. "I fucking miss you, bitch."

I give him every excuse in the book why I can't come live with him, yet he fires a rebuttal right back. It's breaking me but I know I cannot allow myself to fall for this.

"Please come home," he begs one last time.

"Dumpy, I..."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N This chapter isn't really all that long, but I wanted to end it in the place that I did rather than worry about hitting a certain word count. I'll have another update before the premier.**

* * *

 _ **Kalopsia**_ _(n.) the delusion of things being more beautiful than they really are._

* * *

"Dumpy, I can't."

His eyes settle, fixating on the floor. He's so fucking disappointed that I won't grant him a second chance.

"I should go." I slide off his lap and when I step out from his room Birdie and Sherry are going at it.

"You dumb bitch, you're going to fuck this up for all of us!"

"It'd just be on to the next dick, huh, Sherry?"

I frown when the other wives start siding with Sherry against Birdie and her decision to talk to Negan. That god-fucking-forbid their free ride might be jeopardized.

Negan is still slumped in the same spot when I return.

I don't even have to speak when I sit back on his lap.

He exhales a relieved breath and his limbs devour me. His lips touch to my shoulder before they settle against my neck. "Thank you for giving me another chance."

"Any fuckery and I'm gone."

He sits back and pouts. "You know I'm always going to fuck shit up."

"Then stop it, dingus! Try keeping your mouth shut for once."

"You should shut me up." He slams his eyes shut. "See?!"

I shove him some on his shoulder as he grits his teeth. "Sorry!"

"Not your fault. I uh. I fell through the floor at the hospital and dislocated my shoulder when I tried to catch myself."

That explains that day I came up to the parlor and he was in so much pain.

"I'm trying to let it heal but Lucille aggravates it."

"Guess you should go easy on harming anyone then," I smile.

"It's not that easy, RM."

Sure it is, but little good it does if I'm the only one that thinks that.

"Could I touch your feet?"

"You and feet. I suppose." I scoot off him some so it's just my feet in his lap. "But if dumpy pokes my calf, I'm gone."

He has the most ridiculous grin on his face while he rubs my feet.

"What's that look for?"

"Because this has nothing to do with touching your feet. I just wanted to see if you truly forgave me and what better way than seeing if you'll let me touch your beauties?"

I narrow my eyes to slits. "Pervert mind powers," I whisper.

"Wanna rub them on my face?"

"Stop."

"Well, at least you're smiling. And you're… home." He lets go of my feet and I'm pulled against him as his arms lock tight around me.

Again? Ugh. "I hate this."

"I know," he grins.

* * *

I got in a lot of trouble today at school for some bullshit and they gave me something called suspension. Suspension means I can't come back for the rest of the week which makes no fucking sense because I can't learn if I'm not in school. Stupid. What-the-dick-ever. I see Simon eating by himself in the cafeteria and hurry up to the parlor to get my food so I can join him.

"You can't go in his room, RM," Birdie tells me.

"Why the fuck not?"

"I don't know. Negan just said to stay out."

Well… I'll only be a minute. "Dumpy, I need my-" I tilt my head to the side some looking at the child in Negan's chair. "…gloves."

"You're not getting anything out of me, so don't even bother," he snaps, his hands planted firmly on his hips.

"What," I laugh.

"I said I'm not telling you shit!"

"Wow, we got a bad ass over here."

"When is Negan taking me home? I wanna go home."

That makes two of us, kid…

He keeps a close watch on me as I dig through my stuff. "Are you Negan's daughter?"

I laugh so hard I snort. "Good one. I'm a wife."

"Eww, gross. You're like fifteen."

"I'm not fifteen!" Do I really look that young?

"Are you sure? Why do you have all those Alien toys? Grow up."

"Why? So I can end up a miserable old fuck like you? No thanks."

"Old? I'm only eleven."

I stop digging through my things. Eleven…

 _What are you doing with your body, RM?_

 _I feel safe like this, Madie._

"Hey, I'm talking to you."

"What?"

"I said I'm sorry. I'm just hungry." He licks his lips looking at my bag of Cheetos.

"I'll share if you want."

"Really? Even after the way I treated you?"

"You gotta put that shit behind you." Goddamn, this kid is wound tight. "I'd say you've probably seen some shit but judging by that gaping hole in your face-"

"Negan send you in here to make fun of me, too?"

"Pfff, Negan doesn't send me to do shit. He ain't the boss of me. Besides, I'm not making fun of you. At least you're not some pussy that hides their scars like me."

"Is that why you're wearing gloves?"

"No. I use these to eat."

"What? Why? That's weird."

"It's just something I've always done."

"Can I have one?"

"Thought it was weird!" I dangle the glove just above him. "Almost," I laugh, raising it back up when he reaches for it. It's kinda nice having someone shorter than me, although it's not by much. I drop it on the floor and snicker.

"Tch." He snaps the glove on. "What made you start wearing them?"

"When I was a little girl, I'd go see my mom at her job. We could eat from the buffet for free. The hot wing sauce would dry to my fingers and shit. I'd forget about it and go to rub my eye. Burned like a motherfucker."

The dirty laugh lines on his face start to crack. "You know, I kinda like you. You're funny."

"Glad I amuse you, kid."

"My name is Carl."

"RM."

We shake gloved hands.

"What does RM stand for?"

"Rude Motherfucker."

"Bullshit."

"Whoa! Not that I don't fucking **love** hearing kids swear, but do I really come across as a liar? I'm hurt."

"I believe you," he laughs. "Did someone give you that nickname?"

"Uh… this guy I knew."

 _I'm going to call you RM. Okay? Do you like that name?_

"These are good. Even stale."

I snap out of it and smile. "I fucking love the puffs. I like to eat them like a corn cob. You know, get all the cheese dust off."

"Out," Negan interrupts us.

I thought he was talking to the kid but it's me he's pointing at. Damn, just when I was starting to get along with someone he's shoving me out of the room. The other wives are huddled around Amber as she sobs into her hands. Hmm, wonder what that's about? Not like they'd tell me. Awkward. The mood isn't much better in the cafeteria. I look around for Simon, but I don't see him. What is everyone's fucking problem? Carson starts one of the furnaces and he's joined by Dwight. I wonder if I could try and talk to Dwight without Negan noticing this time.

"Saviors," Negan shouts from the first walkway.

Oh, god. Seriously? What are the odds he'd be- I tilt my head to the side some as I notice some of the others tying a man to a chair by the furnace.

"The rules keep us alive," the others chant.

How much Kool-Aid do these people drink? My eyes shift to the man tied in the chair. Then to the furnace. Finally to Negan walking down the steps. No! I know exactly what this is. There's only one punishment when it comes to the iron. I drop my bag of Cheetos and claw at the sides of my head.

 _Madsen, I'm sorry. Don't hurt me, please._

 _What was that you told RM after you forced yourself on her? That when I'm with RM tonight she's going to be thinking of you?_

 _Madsen, ple- ahhh, oh, Christ!_

 _I_ _ **know**_ _what you'll be thinking of, you spineless degenerate filth._

 _Mad… sen…_

 _If you ever come near what's mine again, Ducky, I'm cutting something else off only it's not going in your pocket. Charlie, throw him naked and bloody on the side of the road like he did her._

Tears well up in my eyes from the horrible graphic memories of what Cheeto and Madsen did to Ducky that night. No matter how still Cheeto tried to keep him, Ducky flailed like a fish out of water. Madsen could have stuffed Ducky's sock into his mouth but he made it clear he wanted to hear Ducky's screams. I can still smell his burned skin when Madsen heated up that tire iron and cauterize the gaping hole between Ducky's legs. Or maybe it's the flesh pealing from the iron that Negan is holding. That poor man's screams are just like Ducky's until they stop and he passes out. I hurry up the steps to pack what I can before this horror show lets out. My name is called across the courtyard as I run out of the gates. It's best I don't turn around and see who is trying to stop me. I run until it becomes too much and my coughs keep me from going any further. Fuck, maybe I really should quit smoking. I dig through my plastic sack for my bottle of water when I notice I didn't even grab my aliens. What the fuck am I really doing? Running again? I just want to go home! I might not have always agreed with Madsen, but I wish I didn't take our time together for granted. One of the dead startles me with its growling. He's brought six of his friends. Shit. I curl into a small ball, covering my head as if it will make me invisible. Fuck. I'm sorry, Morgan. I lower my hands when one of the dead are launched over me. The fuck? I look up to see a man run up a fucking tree, spin around and kick the head right off of one of the dead. I've never seen anyone kill the dead like this. I watch intrigued as he keeps doing his spin kicks and flips.

His attention is turned towards me. He cocks his head, then extends his arm down to help me up.

"Who are you?"

He tugs his bandana free from his mouth. "My name is Jesus."

I blink in disbelief. "I fucking died!?"

"No. Relax. Jesus is a nickname. My real name is Paul Monroe."

I try and sound out his name when I realize... "Oh, sweet fuck. RM and PM."

"Please don't call me PM."

"Why the shit not?"

"You're an unusual girl," he laughs.

"So," I shrug.

"You alone?"

"Yeah, but isn't everyone now?"

"I mean, are you with a group?"

"No. Where are you headed?"

"Alexandria Safe-Zone."

"I don't know what that is."

"No, you wouldn't if you've been on your own. You can come with me if you want."

Wrong day to wear these new boots Negan got me. Guess I'll break them in.

"Where's your weapon?"

"I don't harm things. A weapon would be pointless."

"How have you survived all this time?"

"I get it. I'm an inconvenience. You can leave me behind, I'll understand."

"That's not why I asked. I don't mind defending people who can't take care of themselves."

"I can take care of myself just fine!"

"Really?" He points at the dead reaching for me.

I trip, waiting for it to topple over on me.

"Stand up." PM takes the arm of the dead. "There's lots of styles of fighting you can do where you disarm your partner to keep yourself safe."

I actually caught onto this shit really quick. Maybe it's because I'm so motivated not to bring harm to others that I'd try anything.

"You're a natural."

I liked PM. He made me think a lot about Morgan and how he thought all life was precious. Even though PM still killed, it was strictly to protect us and he didn't make a mockery of the dead's death like the Saviors did. Maybe Sanctuary isn't the best place for me.

"Right here," PM instructs. He even shows me after I take the dead to the ground that it's not injured, and it gives me a chance to run away.

"We make a good team, you know? Oh my god. RPM. RPM!" I throw my hands up in the air and start to rap. "If you don't give a damn, RPM don't give a fuck."

"Please stop that."

"Don't start no shit, it won't be no shit! Don't start no shit, it won't be no shit."

That gets him as he starts to laugh.

"If you don't give a damn, RPM don't give a fuck."

"Do you do that rapping thing a lot?"

"Yeah. I like to keep it real."

"Well, let's keep it real over there and settle in for the night."

"Wanna see my moonwalk?"

"Maybe later. I wanted to catch up on some reading."

"I like to read!"

"Oh, really? I didn't know they made books on keeping it real."

"You can't be taught that. Anyway, I'm reading this." I pull my skeleton book out of my bag.

"You're a doctor?"

"No. I just like to read."

"You just like to read about orthopedic musculoskeletal rehabilitation?"

"Uh… yeah. Skeletons. Yeah."

"How many words can you actually pronounce in this?"

"About sixteen."

He starts to laugh and shakes his head, fishing for something inside his coat. "Have you ever read Gulliver's Travels?"

"No."

"I just scavenged it and was going to start on it tonight. I'll read it to you if you'd like."

"Read to me?"

He looks at me funny.

I've always wanted someone to read to me, but everyone always tells me later or they're too busy. "I mean yes. I'd like that."

"Come closer so I don't have to yell."

I plop myself down on his lap.

"Not that close!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake. Make up your mind." This damn book better be worth all this trouble. "There. Happy?"

"How old are you?"

"What does that have anything to do with the book you're reading?"

"It's just… you're… never mind."

I'm so fucking confused what in the actual fuck is going on in this book. I tried my best to pay attention, but I ended up getting distracted by a spider. Heh, what a cute little cheeto.

"Put that down!"

"It's just a spider." I move it closer to show him it's harmless.

"Please stop that! Get it out of here."

"But this one isn't even venomous." I roll my eyes. "Fine." We don't get very far in the book that night. Maybe it had to do with all the questions I asked. "Thank you for reading to me, PM."

"You don't have to thank me. Get some sleep, alright?"

"Don't run off once I fall asleep now."

"The thought never crossed my mind," he smirks.

* * *

The **fuck** is that noise? It's coming from PM. He's hunched over and… "Oh god. Please don't tell me you're reading with one hand."

"What?!"

"You know, holding your sausage hostage."

"I know what you meant. I'm not doing… _that_." He moves his arm outward. "Ants got in my jacket. I was scratching."

I frown inspecting his arm over. He's bit to hell all the way up to his shoulder and all up in his armpit. "No, stop scratching. You'll make it worse."

"Did you get bit?"

"No, I'm fine." But I know what that's like to wake up in an ant hill. "Hold your arm out." I work in some mud on his skin.

"Thank you," he smiles.

"Is that better?"

"Much better. Where'd you learn that?"

"Just stuff I've picked up over the years."

"How long have you been on your own?"

"I guess most of my life."

"No one to teach you how to take care of yourself? Your hair is a mess."

"What?! My hair is fucking awesome."

PM pulls some leaves and other things out of my hair. "You could use a shower."

"Speak for yourself."

He lifts his arm up some and takes a whiff.

I start to laugh. "He actually smelled himself."

"I didn't believe you," he laughs. "Are you always this happy?"

"Yeah, why?"

"It just… reminds me of the way things used to be is all."

"Things can still be the same. I know that it seems like it can't, but it can."

"I have to admit, I didn't know about you at first."

"Says the guy who calls himself Jesus."

He laughs with a nod. "We better get going. We've got a long walk ahead of ourselves."

...

We've been walking for almost six hours only stopping for water and to put more mud on PM's arm. I kinda liked it out here because I felt a little useful. PM showed me this really cool trick where you crouch down and swing your leg out, tripping the dead. It was nice because it didn't involve a lot of effort. However, it won't be effective on the small group blocking our path.

"I count at least fifteen roamers. If we're quiet, we should be able to sneak past them. That means no rapping," he smirks.

I zip my mouth shut.

"I'll go first. Follow right behind my steps."

It's really nerve-racking to be this close to them. Ugh, they stink. PM and I used tactical hand signals to communicate. Cheeto taught me the ones he used when he was NYPD SWAT. Trying to take our time and sneak through the dead has really put us behind, but at least we're safe. "Are you always this calm, PM?"

"I don't know if I'd call it calm. Just focused and trying to be aware of my surroundings."

It reminded me of my Madie, and it put me at ease. I know I can be a lot to take in so I tried really hard not to annoy PM.

"Wait."

"I see them," I whisper.

"I think we should just make a run for it. There's a road not too far up ahead in case we get separated."

If it's one thing he didn't have to worry about it's my ability to run. In fact, I made it to the road before him. I start to get a little scared that maybe I have lost my friend, but what I think is an undead in the brush ends up being him. I let out a sigh of relief. "RPM," I smile.

He laughs and gives me a high five. "The Safe-Zone is just up this way."

The Safe-Zone? Wait a second. I remember that name from somewhere. Oh. Of course! This is the place Negan asked me if I was at when I went to the Kingdom. Truthfully, this Safe-Zone doesn't look so safe. It kind of scares me. It's not very welcoming looking. Not that Sanctuary with their hundreds of dead chained outside the gates is any better. I bump right into one of the men outside of the gates. "Sorry, I didn't see you."

"RM?"

"Simon?" Oh, fuck. Out of anyone that I could have run into, never did I think it would be him. My eyes jolt to the side. Oh, no! PM!

"Who's this?" Simon asks, grabbing PM by the collar of his jacket.

PM gives me the most betrayed look.

I'm fearful if I acknowledge knowing PM that the Saviors might hurt him. "Pfff, I don't know," I lie.

"Truck. Now." Simon releases PM, taking me by the shoulder instead. "Load up the truck," he instructs the others. Once we're inside, I'm in trouble. "RM, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"When I saw Negan burn one of the men's faces I flashed back to that day Madsen hurt Ducky and I just ran as far from Sanctuary as I could."

"So that's it, huh? You're leaving again?"

"Fuck, I don't know. Is Negan mad?"

"Negan doesn't even know you're gone. He didn't stay up last night worried, wondering why the fuck you ran into those woods. Knowing you can't protect yourself. They dropped that kid back off and been gone scavenging." Simon leans over and shoves the door open. "Guess you best get on now."

"What are you my fucking dad?" Actually, those are poor choice of words. He did fuck my mom.

Simon starts to laugh and shuts the door.

I tuck my hand in his. "I'm sorry I made you worry."

He squeezes my fingers some. "I won't say anything to Negan, but the next time you feel like leaving come talk to me. Maybe I can convince you to stay?"

I know if anyone could, it would be him. That's why I didn't want to look back when I ran from Sanctuary. I knew that was him calling my name. "I promise."

"I wish that Madsen could see the woman you've turned into."

"I'd probably be a lot different if he was still alive."

"Yeah. I guess you're right."

"Don't leave without me. There's something I need to do first."

"Two minutes."

"Five."

"Three."

"Four?"

"Okay," he says hesitant.

I laugh and hurry from the truck to find PM already inside the Safe-Zone. He's not as happy to see me as I am him. "Your feud with Negan has nothing to do with me."

"Yet you felt the need to lie about where you came from."

"Everything I told you was the truth. Look, I left because I don't agree with everything Negan does, but I'm going back because of the good things he does."

"I don't agree with your decision, I just hope you make the right one before it's too late."

"It doesn't even have to be like this. I don't understand why there has to be violence."

"Truthfully, I don't, either."

"We never finished that book."

"I tell you what. When I'm done with it, maybe it finds its way to you on a supply truck."

"Thanks, PM."

"I'm kind of going to miss that horrible nickname."

I throw my hands up. "If you don't give a damn…"

"No," he laughs.

"But you thought about it."

"Get in the truck before I change my mind about you."

"PM?"

He stops and looks over his shoulder. "What?"

I hurry his way and throw my arms around him. "Thank you. For everything." I wait for him to say his famous _please stop that_ but he gives me affection back. He'd never know how grateful I am because he taught me to defend myself without hurting someone and that means I can keep my promise to Morgan.

...

Negan got home later that night, but I avoided him. Instead, I pay a visit to Connor. "I just need a few pills."

"Come on in."

"No. I wonder if maybe we could trade for them?"

"What could you possibly have that I'd want if it ain't pussy?"

I open my sack and show him three bags of Cheetos and a few cups of Raymond's soup.

"I have some hydrocodone, but I'm really getting the shit end of the stick. What about those smokes of yours?"

I pull my pack from my front pocket and hand it over.

"Six smokes?"

"Please," I beg him.

He sighs and gets his stash. "You're lucky I like you, blondie."

"Thank you so much!"

"Whoa, wait. Take them right here. I'm not about to get chewed out again."

"I wasn't going to take them all right now."

"Do it or no deal."

"Alright." I put the six pills in my mouth, then show him I've taken them.

"Have a good evening," he smirks.

When he closes the door, I spit the pills out and start for the infirmary. The man that Negan burned is laying on the table, softly sobbing. His burns bring tears to my eyes. "Here," I tell him, putting two pills in his hand. "I have a few more. I'll put them in your pocket. Try to space them out, okay?"

He nods his head. "Thank you."

Amber startles me. "Thank you so much, RM," she cries. She pulls me into her arms giving me a forceful hug.

It's uncomfortable, but I give her affection back. It sorta brought Amber and me closer that day. I know that I'd never make friends with dumb and dumber or Sherry, but it's nice to at least have Amber and Birdie on my side. I hoped Negan would be asleep when I get back to the parlor, but he's just sitting in his chair with that stupid look on his face.

"What have you been up to while I was gone, Stinky?"

"None of your goddamn business."

"Oh, come on. Is this because I kicked you out the other day?"

"Did you get your dick sucked so I can get some sleep?

"Hey. Lose the fucking attitude, or tell me what the fuck is wrong with you."

"You didn't have to burn that man!"

"RM, don't fucking start."

"Where the fuck do you even get off? I'm sure your wives appreciate you rubbing that fish stick against my beauties every chance you get. Fucking tartar sauce everywhere. Maybe we need to get that iron for you!"

"That's enough," he bellows.

I have never heard anyone scream that loud as it frightens me.

He traps me between him and the door, slamming his fist into it. "That's enough," he growls. "I was going to look past the fact you decided to run out my gates in some tantrum. You think I don't know everything that goes on in my Sanctuary? The next time you try and make a run for it, you can **stay** out there. And what's this shit I hear about you getting suspended from school? RM, you better get your shit together."

"I'm sorr-"

"Shut up, you ungrateful spoiled bitch. Now go to your corner and shut the fuck up."

I pout, stamping my foot.

"Always has to get the last word in somehow," he yells, slamming the parlor door behind him.

Good. At least now I don't have to look at him.

* * *

I hate having to get Negan and me food from the cafeteria, but I'm in so much trouble that I wasn't about to tell him no. Fuck, and it's bad enough everyone looks at me like I'm a gold digger so being ushered to the front of the line isn't helping the dirty stares. It's times like this that make me miss Ezekiel and PM. Wondering how different my life would have been if I stayed with one of them. I can't believe how much food they put on this tray for Negan. The fucker eats more in one sitting than I do in a week. Oooo, Raymond's soup night! Yes! "Thank you," I smile.

"Move along."

Another friendly smile in vain.

"You need help, kiddo?"

As much as I do need the help, I don't want Simon to lose his place in line. Fuck. I almost trip seven times. Finally. Thankfully his door is cracked. "What," I whine.

"It's about time. I'm fucking starving."

"No," I scream, dropping our food.

"Oh, what the fuck, RM?"

I hurry up on his couch and reach for the animal's head mounted on his wall.

"Stop that, you're going to-"

The animal comes out of the wall as I trip from the couch and fall on my back.

"…fall."

"Get off me! Get the fuck off!"

"Stop this!"

"Fuck you, let go! Let go," I yell, tripping again only this time when I fall back on the floor one of the animal's antlers break off. "No," I panic. I'm so fucking upset I've hurt this animal. "Of all the sick fucking things I've been a witness to, this is by far the worst! How could you?"

"One of the Lieutenants picked it up on a run. I didn't even realize it got hung up."

"Don't fucking touch me," I scream. "I hate you!"

"Give me that fucking thing!"

"Stop, no! You killed him!" I hold the animal tight in my arms.

"RM, it was already dead."

"So you make some fucking sick spectacle? Is this what you'd want? Your head mounted on the wall? Fuck you!" I don't care what he does to me, this is something I won't back down from. The Saviors look at me like I have lost my goddamn mind. It doesn't help with dingus here shouting after me through the cafeteria. I want to take the animal farther from Sanctuary but the weight is too heavy for me to. I'm barely twenty feet from the gates but this will have to do. Digging the hole is exhausting for the size of the animal, but after the third attempt I finally manage to fit him in the ground comfortably. "I'm sorry they did this to you," I frown, using the back of my hand to scoot my tears from my cheeks.

"I've never seen you cry before."

"I'm not fucking crying. Crying would be sobbing and drooling like some broke bitch. My eyes are just sweaty."

I try to pull down some of the skin on the animal's eyes but it's not working.

"Here, let me." Negan fishes a bandana out of his pocket and covers the animal's eyes with it.

"Thank you," I murmur, sniffing up my nose.

Negan kneels down beside me and helps me put the dirt back in the grave. He also makes me a nice small wooden cross. "Are you okay?"

I don't answer him and start back to Sanctuary.

Negan calls Dwight, Connor, and Simon over to him. He makes the men gather up any other animals that some of the Saviors have in their rooms and they are buried next to mine.

I coil my fingers around his nervously as I watch the numerous animals start to pile up. It turns my fucking stomach at this sick fucking display.

Negan pulls me against him as I hide my face in his jacket. "Simon, make sure they get all of them," he orders before picking me up and taking me to the parlor bathroom. He sets me down on the counter and turns on the water. "I'm sorry, RM."

"This is the worst day of my life."

"Now you're making my eyes sweat," he frowns.

"Why?"

"Because out of all the horrible things you've told me, **this** is the worst day of your life?"

"Yes."

Negan cleans the fur and grit from my hands and face. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

"All those poor animals…" My eyes well up again as I stare off at nothing.

"Do you want to watch them bury the animals?"

"No. I just want to go to bed, please."

Despite his previous comment about being hungry, he doesn't eat that night. Instead he just lays beside me on the bed. His fingers run up and down my arm.

It feels… nice. "Do you think I'm stupid for being this upset?"

"No."

"I'm sorry that I was ugly with you. I don't hate you."

"Don't worry about that. I deserve it. Always fucking shit up with my mouth."

I close my eyes, slowly starting to doze off when I feel his fingers dip down between my legs. There's a slight tug on my beauties when I realize he's grooming them. Pulling small stickers and debris from the ground off them. "Thank you."

"Get some sleep." He eases off each one of my boots.

"Are you leaving?"

"No." His boots also follow along with his jacket.

I curl up beside the dumpy fuck, throwing my small arm across a chest that seems to go on forever. I thought maybe our little moment would be over when dumb and dumber interrupt us. After all, it's two against one.

"Leave. Quietly so you don't wake her."

I want to stick my tongue out at them but I did feel pretty good knowing he picked me. That he recognized this fucked up situation and thought of my feelings. It made me see him in a new light. Guess it's moments like this when I wonder why I'm still at Sanctuary.

* * *

 **A/N For whatever reason, the show decided to change Jesus' name to Paul Rovia. His name is Paul Monroe in the comics and that's why I went with that.**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N This is a lengthy chapter so grab your Raymond's soup now. Thank you to everyone for the support. I really appreciate all the reviews, favorites, and follows. If you read Stigmatic I'll try to update Friday. Heh, 217 day!**

* * *

 _ **Advesperascit**_ _(v.) the approaching dark; the evening draws near._

* * *

Negan is on this like twenty-four hour binge. At least while he's stuffing his mouth he can't talk. Just burps and grunts of regret. "Damn I could go for some of your Cheetos."

I hand them over. Well, I thought he couldn't talk…

"You ever dip that shit in grape jelly and peanut butter? It's real motherfucking good."

"Jesus Christ, are you on your period?"

"Bitch, I might be."

I snort from laughing.

"Actually, I want a ding dong. You know, those chocolate-"

"I know what a ding dong is. I had one of Simon's."

"I **really** hope you know what that is. I'd hate to have to shove that pen of his up his dick hole."

"I'm not really okay with the idea of banging a dude that's been inside Mama."

Negan bellows out a laugh, throwing himself back in his chair. "Are you fucking serious? Your mom really was a whore."

"Like mother, like daughter."

"You're not a whore, RM."

Now it's my turn to bellow out a laugh. "I know what I am, and it's okay."

"I could barely get my hot dog between those buns."

"Give yourself some credit. You've got the girth of a fat ass bratwurst."

"Thanks, dingus."

 _Alright, dingus._

I yank my Cheetos from his hand, spilling them everywhere. " **Don't** **ever** call me that," I scream in his fucking face. "Do you understand me? Huh? I ain't fucking around, motherfucker!"

"Jesus fucking Christ. Talk about being on the goddamn rag."

"Fuck you, fucking prick!" I kick over this stupid table between us before hurrying out of his room.

"RM," he yells after me.

"Get fucked!" My chest is so fucking tight I can barely breathe. "Move," I whine, shoving some Saviors.

 _I was thinking about when things were simpler. When this really was a shop full time. And I was tired because it was an honest day's work._

 _Do you regret it?_

 _No, RM, because it brought me you._

I claw at my head, tangling my hair.

 _You always say the most meaningful shit, Madie._

 _No, I don't. What's that you say? That I'm full of it._

 _You are full of shit._

I'm a spectacle when I trip on the last set of steps and snag my beauties. My **real** beauties. "No!"

"Do you need any help there, Blondie?"

"Go fucking fuck yourself."

"Fucking bitch," Connor snaps.

I don't even care that I don't get the last word in. My beauties! My beauties, oh, god! Get it to-fucking-gether, RM! Fearful Negan is following me, I huddle in a ball under one of the prep tables in the kitchen.

 _You don't need this, baby._

 _Don't call me that, Madie. I'm not your baby!_

 _Alright, dingus._

It's the closest I have ever come to crying. A monsoon of tears surface, but they just don't want to come out. So inside they recede. Waiting for the day the dam breaks. Fuck. I was real shitty to Negan. Now he'll never try and relate to me again. I move out from under the prep table. "Excuse me?"

The lady in the kitchen lets out a scream as she grabs her chest startled. "Oh. You."

I know what she means. _You. The druggie whore._ She's pleasant with me because she has to be but even then her tone is flat and cold. "I need peanut butter and jelly."

"Sure thing. Let me just stop everything I'm doing and get that for you."

Like I'm some fucking stranger to sarcasm? "I'll just ask Negan for it. What was your name again?" Yeah, that's what I thought, bitch. Where's that surly smile now?

"It- it's no bother, really."

I shouldn't have to use Negan as leverage. People should just be fucking decent to each other. I start back up the steps with my tail between my beauties. Hopefully, Negan brushes this off. He's not in his room so I try the bathroom.

"Uh. Kinda taking a piss here."

"Since when are you shy about tapping the kidney in front of someone?"

"Since you're a bitch for no reason. Get out."

I set the peanut butter and jelly on the counter. "I got you these things."

"I don't give a fucking fuck. I'm not going to tell you again to get the fuck out!" He zips up his pants and starts to shove me towards the door.

"I'm sorry, dumpy!"

"Fuck you! You think I'm going to let you-"

"Dingus is what Madsen called me," I panic.

He stops shoving and gives me a confused look. "You should have told me that, RM. How the fuck was I supposed to know?"

"I'm sorry. I know I should have but I freaked out."

"You think?"

"Please don't be mad at me."

"He didn't call you dumpy, too, did he?"

"No," I laugh.

Negan rubs the back of his neck as his eyes trail off to the side. "Lucille used to call me, uh. She had this nickname for me. I ain't fucking telling you because you'll make fun of it, but I get it. Sherry called me it one time by mistake and I didn't talk to her for two days."

"I'm forgiven?"

"I should make you fucking suffer a little longer but I guess you're off the hook. What'd you do to your beauties?"

"I hurt them when I tripped."

Negan sets me on the counter, then starts looking through the drawers. "Figured we'd have a bandaid in here somewhere."

Oh, goddammit. He knows just how to make me weak. My eyes gravitate towards his ass when he bends over. There's not much of one. Madsen had a nice ass, but Negan's is- What the fuck am I thinking? Gross! Ugh. Dumpy ass.

Negan looks over his shoulder and gives me the widest smile. He's managed to find a bandaid.

Shit, his smile is distracting. Here I go again! Stop it! "It's okay," I panic, hurrying from the bathroom. Do not do this to yourself again. Everyone you know dies. That's how it's always been, that's how it's always gonna be.

"RM."

I lay down on my pallet, covering myself entirely with my blanket like I expect to make myself invisible.

"What are you doing?" He pulls down my blanket some. "I got you a bandaid for them. Unless you don't want me to touch them?"

I snatch the bandaid and do it myself. No, motherfucker, I don't want you touching me. Pervert mind powers trapping me, making me feel all this shit I don't wanna feel! "This one is broken!"

"Huh? You have to take this white part off it. See?"

Seriously? That's how this fucking thing works? I held that goddamn bandaid on his back all fucking night when all I had to do was take some plastic backing off? Ugh.

"Don't you want to sleep with me again?"

"No." Yes.

"I see," he murmurs. "Well if you change your-"

"I won't." I can't.

"Yeah. You need a shower anyhow," he gripes, slamming his bedroom door behind him. Negan didn't come to bed that night. Or, rather, he slept but in Birdie's bed.

I hate jealous feelings. Madsen ripped me a new asshole the one time I got jealous over this really slutty looking woman that came into the shop. Only, now I'm giving Negan the same dirty looks I gave Madsen…

* * *

"RM, your turn. Stand up and recite this week's words."

I thought a lot about what Negan had to say about getting my shit together, so when I was allowed back at school the following week I worked my ass off. The teacher said that I had shown real improvement and mentioned that I'd be getting an award on Friday for most improved! I was so excited to tell Negan, I couldn't wait for him to get home. "Dumpy, guess what?!"

"Not now, RM," he dismisses me. "Are you fucking certain he didn't come back with the others?"

"Yes, Sir. Him and two other men," Simon informs Negan.

I tug on his jacket some trying to get his attention. "Dumpy, I-"

"RM," Negan yells, "shut up and go sit the fuck down!"

My brows knit as my cheeks flush. I'm embarrassed he's yelled at me in front of Simon. What a motherfucker! I leave his room and search for Amber. "Amber, guess what happened in class today?"

"RM, I'm busy. Later."

"Okay," I frown. Oh, Birdie! "Birdie, guess what?" She has me hold her mirror as she puts on her makeup. "So today in class the teacher said that I was the most improved."

"Uh huh," she murmurs, applying her mascara.

"And guess what else?"

"Huh?"

"I get a reward on Friday-"

"Do you think this is too much blush?"

I sulk when she just walks away from the mirror to go into the bathroom.

"RM, it's an award," Sherry corrects me.

"Oh right. Well, I'm getting one on Friday. Pretty cool, huh?"

"Sherry, come here," Negan yells.

"Well fuck! Doesn't anyone want to hear my good news?!"

"No, we don't," dumber tells me. "Because we're not getting awards at our fucking age. You shouldn't be proud of that, you should be embarrassed."

"You should be embarrassed you're nothing more than some leather dresser he can put his tube sock in."

She just stares at me with her mouth wide open like she's ready for that sock.

Jesus, she's just too stupid to insult. I try to catch Simon before he leaves the parlor. "Simon, guess what?"

"Not now, RM. I'm sorry."

"Why not?" I follow after him down the steps.

"RM, go back. You can't come with me."

"What's going on?"

"Dwight is missing. We don't know if he's dead or what."

"Dead?"

"RM, get back in the parlor, now," Negan demands.

"No! I wanna help find Dwight!"

"Come here."

I stamp my foot before going back to my pallet.

Sherry is sitting on the edge of Negan's bed sobbing into her hands.

"Sherry, Christ, get a hold of yourself." Negan hands her a drink.

"Go fuck yourself." She slaps it from his hand. "Tell me to get a hold of myself when he's out there and you're up here all cozy-"

"Stop this right fucking now," he growls, flinging the vodka from his hand. "Don't start saying shit you can't fucking take back because you're upset. I have a group out there looking for him."

"I'm sorry." She stands up and slides her hands up his chest.

What the fuck?! She just sat there and cried over Dwight. That relationship is so fucking weird.

Sherry slaps him across the face before she walks out.

"Can I ask you something without you getting pissed off at me?"

He massages his cheek, sitting across from me on his bed. "Well?"

"Do you keep Sherry around because she kind of reminds you of Lucille?"

"They kinda look alike. I don't even know anymore why I keep Sherry around, RM."

"Why don't you fuck Sherry more?"

"She's an uptight bitch."

"Yeah," I laugh. "She is. What wife do you like fucking the best?"

"I liked when you'd let me fuck you."

"Bullshit."

"That ain't no fucking line. Why do you think I'm always trying to fuck you?"

"You call me loose all the time! You make no goddamn sense."

"I don't want my vagina all over some other dudes dick. Calling you loose is meant as an insult."

"Your vagina? I belong to no man."

"Bullshit you don't belong to some sorry fuck. You moan Madsen's name in your sleep all the fucking time."

"Madsen belonged to me. He was **my** property. It ain't the other way around."

"He know that?"

" **Very** fucking well."

"I thought you loved him?"

"Whoa. Okay, look. I love aliens. I love skeletons. I love my beauties. Now, loving a person?" I let out the biggest cackle, kicking my feet up and down. "No goddamn way."

"You just never had it then."

"Spare me."

"I'm just trying to wrap my mind around this shit. He said he loved you and you just sat there with that cracked out look on your face?"

"What was I supposed to say?!"

"Oh, I don't know. That you loved him too!"

"Can we just drop this shit, please?" What does it even fucking matter? Madsen knew how I felt. I don't expect anyone to understand. The fact that it's Negan busting my balls is just mental.

"What were you trying to tell me earlier?"

"I get an award on Friday. The teacher said I was most improved."

His face lights up. "That's real good, RM."

"Will you come to class to watch me get it?"

"Of course. I wouldn't miss it."

"I've been working really hard like you said."

"I'm proud of you. Look, hang out here for a bit."

"You're leaving?"

"I need to take care of some shit."

By taking care of shit he means I'll be by myself tonight. Whatever. Like that's anything fucking new.

* * *

Negan has been trying to make this bullshit small talk since he got home, but I'm not fucking having it. "What's wrong with you tonight? Dwight is safe and fucking sound so mellow fucking out."

I show him my award I got today in class.

"Oh, fuck! With everything going on I forgot that was today."

"Madie would have remembered."

"Well, you know what, RM? I ain't your dead junkie fucking boyfriend. I'm out there keeping people alive! Not fucking slinging dope. If he was so goddamn perfect then why the fuck can't you even tie your boots? Huh, bitch? You fucking bust his balls every time he came home with someone's blood under his nails because they didn't have his money? You think I enjoy the killing? I do it to keep us safe! To keep this place going. Fuck you, and fuck Madsen! You know what this award should say? Congratulations on being a fucking selfish bitch!" Negan rips the certificate in half and slams the door behind him.

My eyes well up as I hang my head. This is the shittiest I have ever felt in my life. It startles me when someone touches my shoulder. "What do you want?"

Sherry runs her hand down my hair. "I heard everything. I'm sorry, RM. That was fucking terrible of him to say. Maybe it doesn't mean much coming from me, but I'm proud of you. Negan told me you struggled so this is a great accomplishment. Don't let him ruin this moment for you because he's jealous of Madsen."

I pick up my certificate pieces off the floor. "How do you know that?"

"Because he told me. Well, I mean, you know Negan. It wasn't those exact words. He said that no matter what he did you'd always put Madsen above him."

"Madie never made me feel like this."

"Yeah, that's Negan alright. Always fucking shit up. I really think Negan means well in his own way. Madsen fills some pretty big shoes."

"He wore a size 16 boot."

"It's an expression, like casts a big shadow."

"He was 6 foot 5."

"Uh, what I'm trying to say is cut Negan a break. If you constantly compare the two, Negan will never live up to that because Negan isn't Madsen. Negan is Negan."

"Sherry, get out," Negan tells her.

It's the only time I didn't want Sherry to leave, but I guess she's right. I do give Negan a lot of shit.

"I'm sorry," we both tell each other like an echo.

"No," he stammers, "I'm sorry. Ripping that award was fucking shitty. About the lowest thing someone could do. I know you ain't had it easy. This is something to be proud of and I fucked it up. And... maybe... I'm a little fucking bothered by the man Madsen was," he mumbles.

"You think I'm getting any sporting equipment named after me? No. I ain't no Lucille, either."

He laughs, pulling me to him.

"Sherry is right. I shouldn't compare you to Madsen. I'm sorry, dumpy."

He sighs but doesn't say anything back.

"Madsen and I fought a lot, actually."

"Yeah? You guys fought?" He's all ears now.

"Mostly about the killing, but one time I almost left him because he said bad things about Mama."

 _I will not coddle you. Not when it comes to that woman._

 _Go fuck yourself, Madsen._

 _You do_ _ **not**_ _want to threaten me, RM._

 _Yeah? Gonna have Cheeto take care of it? Bury me behind a rest stop?_

 _I have never nor will I ever raise a hand to you._

 _Leave me alone._

 _I'm not going to leave you when I hear gunshots two streets over._

 _Well, fortunately, I'm not your problem._

 _You'd throw what we have away for her?!_

Negan shifts his eyes side to side in anticipation. "Well? What happened? Did you leave him?"

"No," I laugh.

"Oh," he frowns. "This story isn't making me feel any better."

"Yeah, well, you're here and he's not."

"RM, that's not what I mean."

"What do you want then, Negan? Look, I have always been honest where I stand on Madsen. Give me a goddamn break sometimes. Madsen is all I've ever known. The fact that I even allow you to touch my beauties is a huge step for me. I've made my mistakes comparing the two of you. All I can do is learn from that and move past it."

Negan pours himself a rather large glass of bourbon. It's chased by another one. He eventually just grabs the bottle before walking over to his chair. "Way I figure." He lets out a grunt when he has a seat. "If I bug you enough maybe you'll get sick of it and give in. Then I'll really get the perks of you being a wife," he smirks.

"That's stupid."

He gives me a breathed laugh and takes another drink from the bottle. "Fuck me it's been a long week."

I get on my knees and help him out of his boots.

"Stop that."

"I don't mind. I used to do this for Madie."

He exhales heavily, wiggling his toes. "That feels real motherfucking good." His belt is set on the table beside him.

That knife is fucking huge. I shudder thinking about the poor souls that have been on the receiving end.

"Why don't you read to me?" He tilts his head back, closing his eyes. "Something to put me to sleep."

"Okay," I smile, grabbing one of the books I got in class. This actually lasted a lot longer than I thought it would. He wasn't fucking rude interrupting me and shit. He just sat there and listened to me. Even helping me when I couldn't pronounce a word which was often. I know that children could have finished this book in minutes, but after half an hour I close it feeling accomplished.

"What was the point of that book?"

"Toad took care of Frog while Frog was sick. Kinda like how I'm going to have to take care of you later."

He starts to laugh.

"Can I have a frog?"

"No way. Amber's dog is a fucking handful as is."

Damn, that's the truth.

"Goddamn, I had a lot to drink. Wanna fuck around some?"

"If you let Dwight watch us."

"No motherfucking hell fuck no."

"Yeah, you're right. Connor would probably be way more about that shit."

"What about one of the girls?"

"Shit no!"

"You're out of your goddamn mind if you think I'm going to let some dude watch us fuck."

"Damn, I figured you wouldn't give a shit."

"Why the fuck do you want another dude to watch you fuck?"

"The same reason you'd be okay with another woman. It's fucking hot knowing I'm being watched. Knowing they can't touch."

"You know, part of me would almost consider it I want you that bad."

"That's the thing. I don't want to make a production out of it. I just wanna fuck and someone happens to walk in."

"Let me eat you out. Maybe Sherry will walk in again."

"No, I'm scarred for life."

"Well, you kinda got your wish."

"I told you, dingus, no women."

"Wanna watch me jerk it?"

"How about you strip for me?"

"Hell fucking no. Real men don't gyrate their dicks."

"What do you think you're doing when you're seizuring on us?"

"Is that what you really fucking want? Me grinding this hairy canary on you?"

"The shit is a canary?"

"It's a yellow bird."

"That's not even… what?! Birds have feathers, not hair!"

"Let's go through your list of names for dicks and see how many of yours make sense!"

"I should write a dick-tionary."

"Wanna use my dick as a reference?"

I turn my fist thumbs down and make a buzzing noise.

"Look how fucking hard I am. It'd be a shame to waste it."

"I swear. You're the only guy I've met who's as horny as I am."

"Thought you and Madsen fucked all the time." He rolls his eyes skyward.

"I mean, we fucked, yeah. But I wanted him inside me all the time. Like I wanted to wake up on that zipper ripper and fall asleep with it inside me."

"Goddamn, woman. I think I'm in fucking love. Let me go shave my chest then rub motor oil on it."

I laugh and shake my head no.

"How about you do that moonwalk shit and I'll fire one off?"

"How about you go stick it in one of your wives?"

He just shrugs. "They all look bored when I fuck them."

"And I was high as a fucking kite when we fucked so I'm not any better. I know for a fact Birdie is into you."

"I think she's actually in love with me. It's kinda freaking me out."

"Be nice. You make her happy. I mean, god knows that doesn't happen often."

"I remember when I'd say off the wall shit to Lucille, she always had some comeback for it. Kinda like you."

"Did you annoy her, too?"

"No. She just had this way of letting it roll off her."

"Madsen was like that. Sometimes he'd actually laugh, but for the most part, he just let me run my mouth."

"Madsen seems kinda boring."

"He was really dry. Reserve. And he commanded attention when he spoke, mostly because he had this deep gruff fuck me voice. I think it was because if he had something to say someone had fucked up or was going to get fucked up. He was respected wherever we went."

"Or they were afraid."

"No, I mean, yeah, he had a reputation not to be fucked with but everyone knew him and they liked him."

"I bet he had that old man shuffle."

"No, bitch, he had that alpha male walk." I try to imitate it.

"Like one of them gangsters?"

"Yeah, exactly like Robert De Niro, you know?"

"You talkin' to me?"

I squint my eyes. "You talkin' to me?"

Negan points to his chest. "You talkin' to me?"

I look over my shoulder, then back at him. "Well, who the hell else are yo- you talkin' to me?"

Negan bellows out a laugh, sinking down some in his chair. "We're some weird fucks sometimes."

"Yeah, but I have fun with you when you're not being a fuck."

"Maybe if I try really hard you'll wanna fall asleep with this zipper ripper inside of you?"

"Well, you'd have to keep a chubby long enough for me to."

"Shut up, bitch," he laughs.

"Are you ready for bed?"

"I probably shouldn't move. I might puke."

I get my blanket and put it over him though it just looks like a cloth napkin on him.

He grabs my wrist, moving me on his lap. "Just for a little bit, okay?"

"Okay." I move under the covers with him. He really wasn't kidding because he passed out as soon as his eyes shut. Damn, I was really looking forward to that big bed by myself, but this really isn't so bad. Well, as long as he doesn't puke.

* * *

"Hey, RM. Do you have a second?"

"Sure."

Amber sighs, sitting next to me. "Look, I'm sorry about the other day. My dog was sick shitting everywhere and of course, it happened the second Negan walks in so he... nevermind. That's not an excuse. I'm sorry I blew you off about that award."

"It's alright."

"Birdie and I got some things for you. Will you come take a look?"

I hope it's tabloids. Turns out, it's about as unbelievable as one. "Uh. Is. What is this stuff?"

"We thought we'd pamper you. Like a spa day."

I have no fucking idea what these two are saying, but it turns out to be anything but enjoyable. "Not so rough," I whine as the two girls try to brush my hair. "Ow, ow, fucking ow!" As if that ain't bad enough, once they finally got it brushed, Amber curls my hair while Birdie starts putting this shit on my face.

"Stop fidgeting."

"Get that thing away from my fucking eye!"

"RM, this is supposed to be relaxing. Take some deep breaths."

This is a fucking nightmare. What did I ever do to deserve this?

"Alright, undress."

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"We got some nice things for you to wear."

I know the faster I do what they say, the faster I can get the fuck out of here. I drop my shorts and my shirt.

"Stockings, too."

" **No**. Don't touch my beauties," I growl. "What in the name of fuck is that?"

"Underwear."

"Ugh, no way. I don't wear underwear."

"Yes, way. These aren't so bad. Since you're skinny, these go up higher and help accentuate your curves."

"What? I have curves?"

"Yes," she laughs.

"I'm jealous of her ass."

I inspect my new article of clothing, followed by this _ass_ Birdie mentions. Hmm. "I don't need my shorts now."

"Not for bed. Here, this is a bustier."

"It's white," I pout.

"It's elegant."

Elephants are gray so I don't know what the fuck flash card she learned to read with.

"This one fits really nice."

"It's too tight, Amber!"

"You're just not used to it."

"My little olives are squished."

"That's called being a woman."

Well, at least it's soft. Some kind of satin nylon material.

 _Wow, soft legs!_

 _It's nylon stockings, RM. Not skin._

Birdie spins me around by my shoulders so I can see myself in the mirror.

I step forward, placing my hands against the glass. I've never seen myself like this before. My hair doesn't have any tangles in it. There isn't a single imperfection on my face. This mascara has made my eyelashes long and dark. I know I'm seeing myself, but I touch my own cheek to make sure. It was the first time I had ever felt like a real woman. "I look pretty."

"You are pretty, RM. Even without all this. Sometimes it's just nice to get dressed up and feel girly," Birdie smiles.

My hair is even smooth and curls at the ends. Damn, I wish Madsen could see me right now. This is the kind of woman he deserved. "Thank you," I tell them. I stand in front of that mirror for what must have been an hour. In fact, I only leave because Sherry wants to take a bath. My appearance even catches her attention. I hurry past her before she says something. I'm glad I'm staying with Negan. The looks and stares are kind of freaking me out. I need to get the fuck out of these clothes.

"Wh... uh. You- um." Negan's clipboard falls on the floor as papers scatter everywhere. "Uh..." His cheeks redden as he lets out a whimper.

Is he having a stroke?

"...er." The Savior leader can't even speak. A rarity. He just stares owl-eyed with his lips parted.

"It's weird, right?"

He shakes his head side to side.

"It feels weird. At least I have my beauties though." I wrap my arm around his bedpost, leaning into it. "I was thinking, maybe I'd sleep with you in the bed tonight."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I shrug.

"Well, good. You'll be warmer."

We're both awkward as fuck. I know it's because he wants this, and, yes, even I sorta want this.

He tries to pick up his papers but keeps dropping them. "I, uh." He clears his throat. "I'm gonna. The shower."

"Sherry is in the bath." I quickly realize the reason he wants a shower is because he thinks he might possibly be getting lucky and doesn't want to smell like one of the dead.

"Don't go anywhere."

Where the fuck am I going to go? I sigh and crawl into his bed. It's fucking shitty, but when he comes back I pretend to be asleep. I'm weak right now, and I don't want to be in a position where I let my guard down.

"RM," he calls again, setting his hand on my hip.

I'm softly nudged but I still pretend to be asleep.

"Fuck," he murmurs, laying back with a sigh. Negan blew his load twice that night right fucking there with me right be-fucking-side him. He even tries to go for round three but eventually gives up.

It's a good thing my back is to him. My cheeks are bright fucking red. Since when am I one to be embarrassed by something sexual? I gotta get the fuck out of these clothes.

* * *

Amber and I laugh at Negan the following day but the truth is, thinking back on it, it was hot. Those grunts and low moans. It was everything that turned me on. His voice is deep enough as is without him trying to suppress that. I had actually turned him on. Worked him up so much, he couldn't stop.

"I'd say you should feel good about yourself, but he fucks anything."

"Yeah," I laugh nervously.

"What are you two laughing about?" Sherry asks.

I didn't mind Amber laughing about it because I felt like it was harmless, but when she tells Sherry and Sherry has a real good laugh it pisses me off.

"Yeah, don't flatter yourself, RM."

Bitch. I don't even respond to her and get ready for school. It's pointless to even go because I'm not paying attention. I just keep thinking about what the girls said. Negan does get worked up about everything, but they didn't see it. He couldn't even speak. Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm just something warm to spill into. He'd finally fuck me then put me to the side with the other wives.

"RM," the teacher calls.

I really don't want to be here.

...

I kinda got in trouble again at school so the teacher told me to leave. Hopefully, Negan doesn't find out. To make things worse, Amber's spark pug keeps inching closer and closer to me. I fucking love animals, but I just cannot stand that thing. I've hated it since day one. Look at it, sitting there all bloated with its legs stretched out. Stumpy legs that can barely support its fat body. His slimy tongue hanging out of the side of its mouth is covered in drool. Its nose is all pushed up so it sounds like a pig when it breathes. Ugh, its breath stinks. I pinch my nose disgusted and stick my tongue out at it. The thing is so stupid, it takes it as a term of endearment. "Amber, your dog has that crazy look in his eyes."

"He's just hungry. Negan said he'd get some food while he was out."

Food is the last thing that pudgy fuck needs. It needs a wash. Then, out of nowhere, like some kind of slow motion hell, it happened. This fucker extends his tongue as I feel it trail along my beauties. "Oh, for fuck's sake, man!" I'm fucking pissed.

"Calm down."

"Calm down? You calm down. That thing just licked its bullet hole and now it's licking me! Ugh, fuck." I march my ass right into the bathroom. I don't think soap is going to help, but I try.

The bathroom door is flung open, then slammed behind Negan. "I know you got this fucking thing about animals, but I'm going to bury that little shit with the other ones." He points at the piss stain on his leg.

"That pudgy fuck licked my beauties. It's out of control!" I keep scrubbing them. "Then she tells me to calm fucking down." My eyes shift to him bent over as he's trying to take his pants off. Ugh, like I'm not annoyed enough and now I gotta be all turned on with that fucking broad hairless tense back of his?

"What?"

"How come you don't have hair on your back if your chest is hairy?"

"RM, now is not the fucking time."

"Sorry, damn it was just a question." My mind trails off into the gutter thinking about Madsen's muscles. Especially the ones between his neck and shoulders. What were those called again? Hmm. Oh, right, traps. "Are you done yet? I wanna rub one out."

He completely trips out of his pant leg. "Need any help?!"

"No goddamn way."

"Well, can I watch?"

"No!"

"Shit," he yells, slamming the door behind him.

I gotta start using that line more often to get rid of him.

...

He looks me up and down when I get back to his room. "Why aren't you wearing that bra shirt shit and underwear thing?"

"Oh, it was uncomfortable and hot."

"Damn fucking shame."

"Why," I laugh.

"Because. I don't ever remember looking at a woman like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you're the only one that fucking matters."

The only sound in the room is the pencil furiously scraping against the paper as he charts inventory.

It feels like all the air has been sucked out of my chest. It's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, and that says a lot considering Madsen loved the fuck out of me.

He sighs and stills his pencil, searching for words.

I find myself searching for those same words.

"RM, I want you to know-"

There's a knock on his door that pulls Negan away from the room. Yeah, of course, it would. These are the times that I really miss drugs. To shut my mind off and not deal with all these uncertainties. I'm sure I'll never know what he was going to say. We've been robbed of that moment. Now, what the fuck am I going to do besides sit here and dwell on what could have been? Oh! I need to work on my letter to Henry! I hope Shiva is doing alright. Maybe if I do better in school Negan would allow Simon to take me back to visit. I really miss that trash squirrel.

* * *

I slide my feet up one of the wooden posts on Negan's bed as I wait for him to get home. So… I kinda miss the dumpy fuck more than usual. The way we ended things last night really made me feel good about myself.

"RM, what the fuck!?"

I wish I had a bag of Cheetos every time a conversation of ours started off like this.

Negan holds open his jacket.

Oh, right. I snort, tossing my head back. Yeah, I kinda drew tits on one of Negan's white shirts.

"People don't exactly take someone threatening them seriously looking like this."

"Maybe you shouldn't threaten people."

"Maybe people should fall in fucking line."

"Whatever, bitch. Lighten the fuck up."

"Actually, I can think of a way to relieve some tension."

"You're right."

"Fucking seriously?"

"Yeah." I move my feet towards him. "I like your foot rubs."

He rolls his eyes and starts for the parlor. "For the record, it's a little funny."

"Duh." It takes me by surprise when Negan doesn't leave and instead stretches across the bed.

"Wanna play with my tits?"

"No, but I'm sure one of your wives will. Go bother them."

"Am I... bothering you?"

"The noise of your chest hair against that shirt is distracting." I've just screwed myself because he throws his shirt to the floor. "What's that gnarly scar on your side from?"

"You checking me out?"

"You wish. What's it from?"

"It's from a while ago."

I just drop it because it seems to be making him uncomfortable and I can understand being ashamed of scars.

"Tell me something about you that not even Madsen knows."

"I'm an extraterrestrial."

"I'm being serious, bitch."

"What makes you think I'm not?"

"Well, you did stick your finger up my ass that one time."

"Yeah, and I ruined a goddamn glove doing it, too."

"Fucking forget it."

I hate when he gets that disappointed expression on his face. "Fine. You really wanna fucking know?"

"I asked, didn't I?"

"That I've never felt safer than when I'm with you."

His eyes widen in disbelief. "You… you really think that?"

"Yes."

He still looks at me like what I've said is a lie as his lips part while he's searching for the words to say. Instead, his thumb lightly grazes my shoulder. "What do you want, RM?"

"To breathe. You're crushing me-"

"Bullshit, goddammit! I know you fucking feel something."

"What-fucking-ever. Mr. I don't fucking feel feelings. Get off me!"

"No, talk to me! Ms. I always have to have the last fucking word."

"Most days I can barely tolerate you, yet today I sit eagerly on your bed waiting for your return like some pathetic bitch." He leans in close but I shove his face to the side. "Where are you going?"

"I need a cold shower." He doesn't even give me a chance to say anything.

So once again nothing gets settled because we're both scared of getting hurt. I guess. Fucking I don't know. Things with Madsen were so much simpler. Okay, maybe that's a lie. Shit, I don't even know anymore. Every time I think I can let Madsen go, something happens that shows me I can't. How fucking stupid to be this worked up over Negan anyhow? Like we're going to live happily ever fucking after with his five other wives. I must be out of my fucking mind.

That hairy pendulum is back after a bit, swinging between those muscular lean thighs as he digs in his armoire. "Where are my gray pajama pants at?" He didn't even bother to dry off. "Sherry!" Water runs down the hard contours of his back.

"What? Oh, god. Put some pants on," she responds repulsed.

"What do you think I'm trying to do? Where are my gray pants?"

She rolls her eyes so put out she's been summoned before digging in his armoire. "Do not put that thing anywhere near my ass."

"Don't flatter yourself. I wasn't."

Sherry is so fucking full of shit. I'd know. We both pretend we don't want any part of him, or that he's so disgusting when it's a lie. She has the same look I have.

Her eyes wander down his ass when she's pushed aside and he starts digging again. "Can I go now?"

Pathetic. She probably wants to go rub one out now and think of him while doing it.

"Sorry to fucking bother any of you girls. Sherry, what exactly do you do? Because it ain't me, that's for damn sure."

"You're an asshole."

"Don't act fucking surprised. In case you've forgotten, you're here because you don't want to earn points. Which means in return you take care of me. Well, you ain't taking care of little Negan, so that means find my fucking pants!"

"RM taking care of your needs? Because if I recall you ran from here to go take care of little Negan in the shower."

Why is she throwing me under the trolley? What a bitch!

"My arrangement with her is none of your goddamn fucking business."

"Maybe I'll pop a few pills and see what kind of freebies I can get." Sherry whimpers when he grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shoves her out.

It honestly came as a surprise. I guess to be fair Negan has always kinda taken up for me around his wives, but Sherry is number one. His number one. As far as I thought, she was untouchable. Respect is a big thing with Negan. He hates any kind of contempt the wives have towards each other. I really don't think Sherry knew how close she came to being kicked out, only I won't ask him to let her stay like I did with Birdie.

"Can you fucking believe what I gotta deal with?'

"Your pants are by the closet door."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I was distracted."

"Yeah, I know. By my boney stromboli or whatever dick food name you decide you're calling it that day."

I laugh so hard and I don't even know what the fuck a stromboli is. He's so used to me giving him shit he doesn't realize I'm complimenting him.

"That secret no one else knows?" He sits on the edge of the bed with a sigh. "There was a water main break at the school one time so they dismissed all of us. Lucille had one of her friends over the house when I got home. She told her friend that she felt sorry for me because of the drug use and eventually became trapped in a relationship with me. Her friend laughed and said I was some charity case. Lucille said that's not what she meant. That over time Lucille had learned to love me, but at first, I was just something she had to deal with. That's why I get so goddamn livid when they tell me that you're only here because I feel sorry for you. It just reminds me of that day. I know Lucille loved me, but I always wondered if she learned to love me. You know what I mean? If she hadn't felt so trapped, maybe we wouldn't have ended up together."

I sit on his lap, careful to mind his coconuts in these thin pajama pants. "If she felt trapped, there's no way she could have loved you. She would have grown to resent you. You were together because you were supposed to be. Not because you had to be."

"I, uh." His eyes well up as he looks off to the side. "I never thought of it like that."

I don't really know what to say and lean against his chest.

He lets out a quick breath through his nose. "How's that chest hair on your cheek?"

I slowly close my eyes. "Wonderful."

"Yeah right, bitch."

"Shut the fuck up, motherfucker, and fucking give me affection."

He sets his chin on top of my head. "This might sound weird, but I love how little you are."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Does that make me a fucking pervert? Getting off on the fact I could just pick you up and go right to fucking town?"

"Everything gets you off. I'm pretty sure that time I was sick from drinking bad water you would have fucked me while I was face first in the toilet."

He shakes his head no. "In fact, I was pretty fucking far from being turned on. I just kept thinking, what if I lose you, too?"

"Too?"

"Come on, bitch. Don't make me actually admit it."

"Admit what? I'm confused."

He moves me off his lap and gets off the bed.

"Talk to me!" I grab his hand.

He takes a long stride towards me as I back up into the wooden bedpost. "I must be fucking crazy to waste my time on you. You don't give a fuck about me."

"I don't give a fuck about anyone."

"If I hadn't walked down those steps, you would have let Dwight empty into you. How many times have you fucked Connor, or every other Savior that isn't me? When all I've tried to do is fucking help you better your life! I buried those goddamn animals for you! Do you know how fucking crazy that is? Jesus Christ, the old me would have taken one look at that shit and fucking puked. And look where it's got me? Blowing my load on the shower wall. Pathetic. This isn't me! You're fucking with my head. Fucking cunt!"

Oh hell fucking no, I will not be talked to like that anymore! I chase after him into the parlor, launching one of the books on the shelf at him.

He turns around, his eyebrows pushed together. "Wha... what the fuck? You threw a book at me!"

"Yeah, bitch, and this ceramic fuckery is going next if you don't get your ass back here."

"You wouldn't."

I swipe it off the shelf.

"Bullshit, you won't-" He deflects it with his forearm. "You fucking threw it at me!"

"I told you I would, motherfucker! Get in this room right fucking now," I yell.

His wives have the same dumb confused look that he does, and even more so when they watch a submissive Negan pout his way back to his room. "I'm sorry, RM!"

"You shut the fuck up." I slam his door. "Don't you ever call me a cunt again. That shit stops right fucking now. Do you understand me? Nod, motherfucker!"

"Alright," he whines.

"Second, I didn't ask you to bury those animals, you took that shit upon your-fucking-self. Which I'll have you fucking know scored major points but of course, your filthy fucking mouth would ruin it."

"It got me points?"

"Shut up! Who the hell are you to tell me who I can and cannot let near this precious pearl when you've got five cave clams ready for your chowder. You fucking hypocrite. Stop laughing!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Are you really getting a chubby right now?"

"I'm not going to lie, I'm really fucking turned on right now watching you order me around."

"You are un-fucking-believable."

"I'll let you call me Madsen."

"No, you goddamn won't."

"Okay, but, it's the thought that counts, right?" He slithers up next to me, his arms locking around me.

I sigh and move closer to him. "Dumpy dumbfuck."

"I know, bitch."

"Carry me to bed. I'm exhausted from all your bullshit."

He actually fucking does it, which shocks the hell out of me. Guess he's just trying to suck up for fucking up. "Do you know what today is?"

"The day you almost had an entire bar set thrown at you."

"Besides that." He digs in his end table, then sets something on my stomach. "Six months clean."

I gasp and scoop up the skeleton coin. "Really?"

"Yep. Well, give or take. Apocalypse math."

"Hell yes. This one is super cute with these spikes in her hair."

"It's not spikes. That's the statue of liberty. Eh, we'll go over that another time," he laughs, getting comfortable.

I lay there quietly and look at my coin. Thinking about how far I've come. So much has happened over the last six months, it makes me wonder where I'll be at when I get my one year coin. It's time that I start being honest with him, and myself. "Negan?"

"What?"

"I think if I did let someone in that wasn't him, it maybe could be you. Maybe. Eventually."

"You mean that?"

"I'm trying, you know? Trying to be open to the idea." I've never been so fucking nervous to admit anything.

He just stares back at me.

"Well," I laugh anxiously, "goodnight." I roll over so my back is too him only to be pulled against him. Here we are right back where we were earlier. Trapped under him ready to both make some horrible decision. I turn my head some, denying his lips. Instead, they settle on my temple.

The fucker doesn't press his luck and keeps his mouth shut. Though his thumb trails lightly against my beauties.

I allow it because it feels so fucking good.

He knows what he's doing each time his thumb grazes my inner thigh. It gradually moves up, even inching under my shorts. He's not touching my beauties anymore, only bare skin from the hole I've ripped.

Right as I'm ready to tell him it's okay to keep going, he stills his thumb. I'm embarrassed by the heat between my legs. I shift my hips a bit hoping he'll get the hint, but I just get some soft snore. Guess it's for the best.

* * *

My coin wasn't the only good thing that happened last night. I have the kinkiest filthiest fuckery with Madie in my dream. Fuck. My beauties are drenched when I wake up. Thankfully, Negan is nowhere to be found. I push my shorts down to my ankles and reminisce about that fucking dream. Madsen's chair is my favorite place to fuck. My hands pinned behind my back as I accept every inch of his arousal. I love being on top. His teeth nipping at my tingling skin until his tongue runs across my little peak.

 _RM._

 _Yeah, Madie, fuck._

I spring open my eyes irritated as a motherfucker. Shit! I was so close. Ugh, and dingus here is all over me. "Hands off."

He takes my shorts off the rest of the way, setting them to the side. "RM, little Negan misses you."

"It ain't gonna happen." I roll over and as I try and get my shorts he snakes his fingers back.

"Come on, bitch. You were moaning in your sleep."

"I was having a really good dream that you pulled me away from."

"Sex dreams are a tease. You spend the whole goddamn time trying to blow your load but never actually get to. You dreaming about him?"

"Of course. You think I'm this flushed over you?"

He touches the red splotches on my chest. "I could help you out."

"I told you, I want a real man to fuck me."

"I can be real fucking romantic."

I snort some obnoxious laugh, shoving his hand off me.

"Wanna find out?"

"No!"

"Alright, have fun flicking your bean then."

"Where are you going?"

"You going to let me watch?"

"You know I'm not."

"Then I'm going to go get my dick sucked since you like to get me all riled up but don't do anything about it."

It should bother me, but it doesn't. Well, that's what I thought until I started fingering myself. I can hear him in the other room, not that I had to try. He's so goddamn obnoxious. The sheets smell like him and my thoughts of Madsen become polluted with Negan. That grin twisted up in perversion. His dark depraved eyes as they probe my flesh. He doesn't have callus hands like Madsen. They're soft, always eager for the day I allow them in the place mine are now. I listen in on him in the other room. Harsh moans against his clenched teeth have shut his filthy mouth up for now. Or so I thought. The bed moves and I jolt open my eyes to him stretched across me.

"Let me help you." He slides his fingers against my slick skin, replacing my own.

"Oh," I whimper, becoming immobile.

He runs his tongue along my fingers, licking me from them. "Tell me what you were thinking of. What made you taste so good?"

"Well played, you fucking dumpy dickhead."

"You better watch that mouth of yours before I fuck it."

I snarl at him snapping my teeth together before letting out a yelp when I feel the sharp penetration of his thick hard finger. His lips linger against my stomach, slowly inching up. There are those fucking depraved eyes looking up at me.

"Were you thinking about me?"

My heavy eyes close briefly before I writher him a nod. "Fuck you."

His finger pops out and they wrap around my throat. "Don't tempt me, bitch."

"Get your fucking hand off me!" I moan in protest when he returns it to my sensitive skin.

He kisses my neck like some kind of apology for ever putting a hand on me.

I forgive him because his fingers are so much fucking better than mine. I'll be pissed later. Right now I'm just trying to draw this out as long as I can, although I don't think he minds. All I'm doing is punishing myself.

"Say it, bitch."

No. Don't you dare- I moan, riding his fingers.

"Say my name."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Have at it then. Let me watch those fingers get that pussy half as wet as mine do." He tugs at my shirt, pulling it right off me. Maybe he ripped it. I don't give a fuck. He drags his tongue up the curve of my breast, flicking my little hardening peak.

Shit! I find myself regretting wanting all this romantic bullshit. "Get on with it!"

His hand dips between my legs and that's a tease too! Just slow circular movements.

I close my eyes when his tongue trails along my jawline to my ear. RM, he's dirty!

"RM," the Savior leader growls harsh against my skin. He gets on his knees, tugging himself from his pants as if at any moment I'll change my mind. It turns out he started with me and plans to finish that way.

I'm not fighting the depravity any longer as I arch my back, moving my hips with his fingers.

He switches hands so he can use my arousal working it up and down on his swollen masculinity. I'm given some half-ass smirk before he takes in a deep breath, filling his lungs. This large muscular frame hovers over me, taunting me with every one of my moans until…

"Negan, fuck," I gasp.

"Goddamn fucking right," he exhales. He doesn't ask for help and shoots all the way up to my collarbone. "Fucking shit, shit, fuck, shit, fuck!"

It sends me over the fucking edge. My arms stretch above my head and I use the wall to push harder against his fingers as my hips jerk upward until there's nothing left. All I can do is lay there with heavy eyes. Shit!

He snickers showing me his hand. "Goddamn, bitch. You're fucking dripping."

I'm already regretting this. That fucking grin. His condescending laugh like he got the better of me. I'm even more annoyed that I'm sticky. "Give me your shirt."

"No way, use yours."

"How are you even more obnoxious after you blow your load? Jesus, every other man rolls over and passes the fuck out but you're chatty as fuck."

"Fuck you."

"Please get your fucking man chowder off me."

He flings my shirt at me. "And every other bitch is in a good mood after they squirt."

"Fuck you. I'm going back to sleep so shut the fuck up." I discard the shirt to the floor as it takes any dignity I have left with it. What a fucking mistake. I cannot believe I let him weasel his way into my beauties.

Negan scoots up behind me, throwing this muscular limb over me.

"You're crushing me."

"Bitch, I'm trying to get close to you."

"Get off my hair!" I manage to pull away from him and get some distance. Thankfully he leaves me alone. When I finally do manage to get to fall back asleep, I have the worst dreams. The last one fucks me up, and I run to the toilet to vomit. I know it's because of the guilt I feel over letting Negan finger me. Funny how fucking random Saviors didn't make me feel half as dirty as I do now. You're disgusting, RM. Calling out his name like some bitch in heat. My fingers claw at the hickey he's left on my neck. I try to scrub it off in the shower, but I just end up aggravating my skin. I pull on my beauties as the fabric starts to run until it's too much and a large piece rips off. Every last fiber is thrown on the tile floor, then I curl up in the bathtub.

"RM, what the fuck? Your beauties!"

"I'm a fucking whore. I don't deserve them."

"You're not a whore. Why would you say that?"

"Grinding against your hand. Yelling out your name."

"You didn't do anything wrong. I didn't know you didn't want me to touch you."

"I wanted you to."

"Look, it's okay to want someone that isn't him."

"I'm disgusting!"

"You're going to feel dirty the first time you touch someone that isn't him."

"Yeah? You fucking boohoo to Sherry the first time you two fucked?"

"No, because she doesn't mean shit to me. None of them do."

"I don't fucking believe you."

"Believe it, bitch, because I sure as fuck wouldn't be on my knees by this tub for them. I'm here for you. Because I fucking like you. Because I've **always** fucking liked you."

"Leave me alone," I yell, covering the scars on my hips. I'm vulnerable, and with every passing minute, I can feel myself start to break. "I'll never forgive myself for letting you touch me."

"He's fucking dead, RM! There is nothing you can do to bring him back and if you don't start living your life you might as well be dead right beside him!"

"My beauties," I howl.

"It's okay. We'll get you another pair-"

"Fuck another pair, I want those! This is all your fault. I hate you!"

"Yeah, yeah. Change the goddamn record."


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N Ugh. Okay. So this chapter and the one following it were supposed to be one chapter, but the word count was becoming insane. I'll post the other half in a few days. There's going to be a lot of smutty conversation and filthy fuckery in these two chapters.**

* * *

 _ **Mamihlapinatapai**_ _(n.) a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something they both desire but which neither wants to begin._

* * *

The water shut off long ago, but I stayed in the tub until night. Still clinging to the shameful scars on my hips. I've fucking destroyed the only thing I have left of him.

 _Look at these beauties, Madie!_

 _Are these the ones you like?_

I sit up from the tub startled.

Negan sat there all day with his back to the tub. "I had those same dreams. The look on her face when I told her I touched you, and the sobs when I said how much I enjoyed it." He sets a towel on the ledge of the tub. "I'll tell Carson to find you a room. As long as you stay clean and keep going to school, I won't make you work for points." He rises as his hip pops, his back still to me. "Goodbye, RM."

The door shuts before I can possibly speak. Though I'm sure I'd fuck things up even more. He's neatly set what's left of my beauties on the edge of the counter. I hold them close as I return to pack my things only he's done it for me and the stuff is set outside his room. I dig through my things to look for another pair of stockings. The only ones I have are the skeleton ones he gave me. They're in about the same shape as my beauties. Destroyed. Fuck! I still have one of Dwight's shirts that's pretty long. This will have to do for now. My eyes scan the parlor for his wives in jealousy to see which one he's with tonight. They're all here. Truthfully, I didn't expect that. I try to open his door but it's locked. That's not going to stop me. Lock picking is one of those things Specs showed me how to do. Negan is in his chair hunched over with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. He could numb his feelings, but all the bottles are far from his reach. I run my fingers down his unkempt hair to situate it all back in place. "Is this what you want?"

"Yes." His response is instantaneous.

"No it's not."

"Yeah, well, you fucking know everything."

"I know this isn't what you want because you're not balls deep in one of them right now."

"The only one that fucks their problems away is you."

"I told you I'm a whore."

"I believe it now. Get out of my room. I won't tell you twice."

I open his door and close it with me still in his room. My attempt to fool him doesn't work.

He charges at me as I cower against the wall in fear.

I wonder if this is how all the victims he's killed have felt.

The door is flung open only he goes out it. "Get up." He shakes Birdie.

"Coming to bed?"

"No." He fucks her over the arm of the lounge so he can stare back at me while doing it.

Both of us wait for the other to break. To give in and lose it but we don't.

Birdie actually does. "Fucking asshole," she cries, slapping him across the face. "Using me to get at RM? You don't love me at all!"

"You're right. I don't."

"Fuck you." Birdie collects her things and leaves him for good.

"Two down, anyone else?"

"You're pathetic," I tell him.

"And Simon should have emptied on the floor instead of in your mother."

"Just like Lucille should have let you fucking OD!"

"I got what I wanted from you. Take your used pussy and get the fuck out."

"Bitch, you wish you got up in this twat cot."

Negan grabs me by the back of my hair and drags me to where my pallet used to be.

"No," I scream as he tries to cuff me to the metal bar. Everything happens so fucking fast that before I know it, my teeth are sinking into his forearm.

He grabs a fist full of my hair. "You wanna fucking bite me? I'll chain you to the fence outside where you fucking belong then!"

"What are you waiting for?! I'm fucking ready, bitch! Because then I can be with him, instead of settling for you in this fucking nightmare I can't wake up from. You took my only way out! That was my choice if I wanted to put a needle in my arm and you fucking… you fucking… you fuck… fuck…" I push my eyebrows together as I watch his blood drip to the floor. Things between us have been pretty bad before, but never anything like this. I fucking bit him!

"That's what you think!? That you settled for me?" It's more than Negan's bruised ego asking me this. There's complete sadness in his voice. Like maybe he truly thought I meant more to him.

I feel like shit. "No," I whimper.

"Then why do you say such fucked up shit to me?"

"We both say fucked up shit. Don't act like this is one sided!"

"Fuck," he snaps, holding his bloody arm.

It chokes me up as I shake my head back and forth disgusted at myself for letting it get to this point.

"It's easier for me to just push you out that fucking door, or call you some used whore. That's why I have the wives. That way I can't get close to anyone again and go through the pain of losing someone."

I touch my hand to his. "I'm sorry that I bit you."

"Whatever. I have a feeling this is how our foreplay would go."

"How can you think about fucking me at a time like this?!"

"Bitch, I'm always thinking about fucking you. Even right now when I want to tie your ass up for being such a fucking fuck I'd be all about that pussy if you came onto me."

"Blood doesn't turn me on. Don't mistake me for one of your freak wives."

He smiles as it starts to fade when his eyes move down. "Your bare legs," he frowns.

I scoot them up to my chest and pull my shirt over to hide them. "Stop."

"You, uh. You can stay… if you wanna."

"Do you want me to stay?"

"Yes." Another instantaneous response.

"Even after I hurt you?"

"How about truth? You answer one of my questions and we'll forget this ever happened."

I'm scared but I know that I have to because what I did was fucked up. I nervously await what type of bombshell he's going to drop on me.

"Fucking forget it. I'm too old for you anyway."

Christ. The age card. I hate when people talk about age. "Do I really come across that fucking shallow? Madsen was forty-six. I don't give a fuck about age."

"What the fuck, RM? That's way too goddamn old for you! Shit, when you said he was older I imagined us being the same age. Not ten fucking years older than me!"

"Well, he's fucking dead so it doesn't really fucking matter, does it?"

"You know that's not what I'm getting at! I'm talking about him breaking a hip."

"Say what you want about his age, but he was good to go any time."

"Yeah, it's called viagra."

"You don't know fuck all, man."

He gives me a breathed laugh.

"I think you should go talk to Birdie. What you did to her was pretty fucked up."

"She's not coming back, RM."

"No self-respecting woman would come back after that!"

"I guess that was pretty fucked up," he sighs. "But you're right. Even if she doesn't come back, I owe her an apology."

I know that Birdie won't come back. Especially if she, ugh, _loves_ Negan. What matters is that he's genuine in his apology to her. I sneak down after him to make sure. They end up solving their differences by fucking, shocker, but like I thought, Birdie wants nothing more to do with him. Good for her. At least someone around here has a fucking backbone.

* * *

I learned today that Negan's most sacred rule isn't always followed when two Saviors try and force themselves on me. Luckily, something spooks them and they don't stick around. I'm fucking stupid for ripping my beauties. At least with them on, after men had their way with me I wasn't left vulnerable. I put my shorts back on before stopping in the restroom down stairs to clean the spit from my neck and chest. Fucking assholes.

 _Mama, h_ _ow come it's not okay for some men to touch you but okay for others?_

 _All men have the right to touch you. I told you that. My daddy did the same to me. I'm just trying to prepare you for your future, baby._

Mama is right. I had no right to fight those men off. If I had let them have their way, I wouldn't have a tear in my favorite shirt. Sherry startles me when I walk into the parlor. Not her. I'm already going to have a black eye from those men. I don't need another one.

"Can we talk?"

"Sure." I just hope it's brief. The last thing I need is her figuring out what those men did and Negan killing them.

"I'm sorry for the times that I've hit you for messing around with Dwight."

Oh. I didn't expect that. "He loves you."

"Really?"

"I know, I was surprised, too. I mean, my hair is way cooler."

"Well, of course," she laughs, then starts to cry.

"Oh, shit, man, don't cry!"

"I wish I was strong like you. Truthfully, I'm jealous. Everything you've been through and you never let it get the better of you."

I don't know why everyone acts so surprised by this. Shit happens that will be out of your control so why fucking dwell on it? "It's not too late to go back to Dwight, Sherry. Using Negan for points, I get that, but Dwight took care of me and him just fine. He could take care of you. You don't need this life style."

"Would you take me back after everything?"

"No, I don't eat seafood."

She starts to laugh again. "It's easier this way."

"It just seems like it."

"Who'd take care of Negan if I left?"

I don't know why Sherry kept making excuses for staying here. Shit, maybe some twisted part of her _loved_ Negan. Fucking Negan. Always fucking shit up.

* * *

I tilt my pack towards Simon so he can take a cigarette.

"No, those are yours."

"Did Negan hurt himself the other day on a run?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he was all bloody when he came home. He acted all embarrassed by it when I pointed it out like he got hurt."

"I, uh." He rubs the back of his neck. "I don't know."

"Bullshit you don't fucking know. Don't do me like that."

He sighs, looking around suspiciously before his mustache settles in a frown.

I never expected Simon to tell me what he did. I give him the rest of my cigarette so I can go find Birdie.

"Hi, RM," she smiles.

It's good to see her. She looks great. Happy. It turns out, leaving Negan is probably the best thing she could have done for herself. Negan also gave her a great job in the library so she doesn't have to slave away in the kitchen. I'm glad to know my friend is okay, but unfortunately my reason for being here isn't to check on her. "I was hoping you'd want to trade some things of yours for my points?"

"Sure. What kind of things?"

...

Negan leans over me. "Are those… bras?"

"Is that a serious question? You of all people don't know what a bra is?"

"You know what I mean, RM. You don't wear bras. Instead you let your tits hang out of the side of those fucking shirts. If you can even call them a shirt."

I'll never tell Negan this, but Simon told me that the reason those Saviors got spooked was because of Negan. The blood on his shirt was theirs when he put them on the fence. He was talking to Simon when they heard my cries, although neither of them know it was me and I plan to keep it that way. I figured wearing a bra so I'm not exposed out of the sides of these shirts was the least I could do so they don't have to kill again. Birdie was nice enough to give me three of hers in exchange for some things next week in the supply room. These really aren't all that bad. They're something called bralettes. She gave me a gray one, a dark red one, and a… what?! Where's the other one?!

"Thought you didn't like lace?" He dangles the black one on his fingers.

"Gimmie that!" I smack him over the head with it before putting it on.

"You don't have to wear that on my account. I don't mind you being naked if you're in the room," he smirks.

"Come on! Look at me. Like, really fucking look at me." I drop the bralette back to the floor. "What's so great about me? Dumber has such pretty chesticles. Big Christmas ham chesticles, you know? Mine aren't even... anything. Fucking pathetic little tater tots."

He bellows out a laugh as he takes a seat. "I love your little tater tots. They're fucking delicious. Let me put some sour cream on those potatoes."

"Wrong potatoes, dingus."

"Does it fucking matter? Damn, bitch, since when are you one to be self-conscious? That's my job."

"Because, look at me!"

"I am looking at you! How do you think I got this?" He leans back, pulling himself from his pants.

"Oh, damn."

He holds himself by the hilt, giving me the widest grin. This engorged veiny triumphant bastard stares back at me.

Goddammit. How am I supposed to act repulsed when I'm actually rather impressed?

"I know you're thinking about it."

"Key-word thinking. It ain't a fucking invitation. And by fucking invitation, I mean an invitation to fuck."

"You take the fucking fun out of everything. And by fucking fun, I mean the fun out of fucking." He loses his chubby, stuffing it back in through his zipper hole.

I can be a fun fuck! Fuck him! I don't understand why he's all turned on by these little altoids. "Did Lucille have small titties?"

"No. They were incredibly fuckable. These soft tear drop ones. Damn fucking shame."

"Sorry."

"Don't be."

"Madsen had a really nice hard hairless salami-"

"RM! I don't want to hear about Madsen's dick!"

I roll my eyes. "Your loss."

Negan tries to look pissed off, but I know that fucker by now. "Madsen uh, guess he didn't have any problems in that department."

"In what way? For being forty-six and keeping a chubby? Or you talking about how big that chubby was? Because just the other night you were insulting him."

"I don't know why I even fucking care. This is stupid. Shut up."

"Of course you care. Not because you care, but because you wanna know if he was bigger than you."

Negan slings his boot over his knee, picking at the clumps of dirt stuck to it. "...well was he?"

"I ain't telling you."

"Fuck! Fuck this, fuck you, fuck salami, and fuck Madsen."

"Aww." I pat him on the cheek. "There there."

"Bitch."

"Oh, fine. Shit. I'm just having some fun because I know how much it burns your biscuits. He was bigger than you-"

"I goddamn knew it."

"Let me finish, shit. Yes, he had the length, but you have the girth."

"What fucking difference does it make?"

"It makes quite a difference when fucking. Girth over length always wins."

"Bullshit."

"Think about it, dumpy. A sausage wallet only goes so deep before you get to the bottom."

"So if I had an eight inch dick you mean to tell me you wouldn't be all over that? You're a fucking liar."

"Let me tell you a story. Madsen had been gone almost a year and I was really horny. I made the stupid decision to fuck my friend Dominic who had an eight and a half inch dick. And you know what happened? Not a damn fucking thing because that's too fucking big!"

"How many guys have you fucked?!"

"Don't judge me, man! Fuck, I'm trying to make you feel better! Don't fucking come at me with that shit when you're out there beaver jousting with five women. Six if you include me!"

Negan starts to laugh, and I mean this fucker laughed until he had tears coming down his face. "Bitch, goddamn. I have never met someone as funny as you are, and I'm a funny motherfucker."

"Funny ain't done fuck all for me except here with you talking about fucks I've fucked. I'm going to bed."

"Can I joust your beaver first?"

I throw one of my aliens at his dumpy head.

"This wouldn't be the weirdest threesome I've had."

"Shut your filthy fucking mouth. I don't want to hear about your soggy golden sponge cake anymore tonight!"

"What about the cream filling then?"

Goddamn him. I want to be mad at this fool but there is no denying that he is a funny motherfucker, too.

* * *

I'm exhausted. What a long day. My feet are killing me. Now I understand why Madsen never looked relaxed until I took his boots off. Negan actually beat me to the room today. "Hi, dumpy."

I'm given some half ass grunt.

"We're learning about horses in class. How to take care of them and change their shoes. The noises they make are funny."

"Uh huh."

I can tell when I'm being ignored. "Can I call you Neigh-gan?"

"Not if you expect me to answer."

What the fuck is he doing anyway? Oh. Changing Lucille's wire out. Maybe I should leave him alone before I get another show. I hop up on his bed so I can start my homework.

We're interrupted by Carson. "Sir, some of the scouts have returned. They have news about Alexandria."

He sighs, setting Lucille beside me.

Awkward. Both of us on his bed? I put my papers into my book to go sit on the couch when I noticed something on her. In fact, it's a giant chunk taken out of her side. When did this happen? My entire finger fits in it. I jump when one of the girls knock over something in the parlor. Jesus Negan would have a fucking aneurysm if he walked in and my hands were on her. Well, maybe not. He'd probably be harder than she is watching me stick a finger in her. I feel bad for the old girl. You may think this is an inanimate object, not something to be cherished. And you'd be dead fucking wrong. This is a lady. She deserves better than some gaping exposed hole like this. I spend a good few minutes searching the drawers and cabinets in the bathroom. "Yes!" This is perfect. Except, this is more difficult than I thought. Lucille slices a nice gash in the side of my index finger. "Fuck! Work with me!" Another slice. Another nick. Another gash. And now I'm getting blood everywhere. Damn, I thought this would be easy. The last one almost tears my goddamn thumbnail off. "Ow," I whimper.

"RM, what the fuck are you doing?!"

"Oh, shit, you scared the fuck out of me, dingus!"

"Your hands!"

"She hates me," I frown.

"You-" He tilts his head some, picking her up. "You put bandaids on her..." He's speechless, eyeing her skin over.

"Sorry I got druggie cunt blood on her. That's what she'd probably say," I sigh.

"Come on." He steers me to the bathroom, cupping my bloody hands until we get to the sink. I'm put on the counter as he starts tending to my wounds. "Thank you," he says choked up.

"You're welcome. Why didn't you tell me she was hurt?"

He shrugs, turning the water on.

"Talk to me."

"No. Stop."

"Ouch," I grimace as he cleans my hands.

He shakes his head looking over the numerous cuts and gashes on my hands. "You could have cut your finger off."

Is he sure about that? Because I think it's missing. My arms are put above my head to stop the bleeding. I didn't know you could do that. It seems to just be slowly bleeding now. He wraps my palms in some white cloth thing. The cuts don't sting this way.

"I'm sorry." He's so goddamn upset like she hurt me on purpose.

"It's not your fault."

"It is," he replies, choked up.

"I'm the one who-"

He leans in, fiercely claiming my lips.

Oh! I touch my hand to his cheek, returning the bittersweet embrace. Something I haven't had or wanted since Madsen. My knees are pushed apart as he tries to move flush against me. There's something truly empowering that comes with being under the Savior leader like this. One hand in my hair, the other on my waist. I feel so fucking lost at this but try and mimic his moves until I feel his tongue on mine. I purse my lips, lowering my head some. "We have to stop. It's not… right."

"No."

"Ne-" I'm silenced again.

Shit!

It's brief before his fist tightens in my hair and my head is tilted back. His teeth latch onto my neck as his tongue circles around my skin.

I forcefully grip the countertop, tightening my fingers around it. "Holy fuck," I whimper. It feels so fucking good.

He pries one of my hands from the counter to guide it against him.

I run my hand down his inner thigh over his thick denim arousal, eager to actually free the fucker.

His lips move up to my ear and he lets out a gruff moan against it. He reaches over his shoulder and pulls his shirt off not even caring where it goes.

My eyes trail to my most favorite part of a man. That fucking muscular v that leads down in his pants. Something of his that is damn pronounced. For once, there's not that voice screaming at me to stop touching him. Or that he's dirty. That v wasn't the only thing leading down into his pants. He has this line of hair from his belly button that my finger trails down. I fumble trying to unbutton his pants, until I free him.

"Shit, fuck, yes," he moans. He's so responsive from my touch it excites me even more than I already am. Negan drops his face in the crook of my neck. "Fuck," he murmurs against my skin.

Shit, fuck, yes is right. Damn this is fucking hot, especially because I know his wives can hear us. Hear how well I can satisfy this man.

Negan stills my hand when he becomes a little too excited.

"What are you waiting for? That fucking invitation? Fuck me, Negan."

He snarls, taking me by the hips and yanks me to the edge of the counter.

For a moment, I think he's going to rip my shorts to get me out of them. Fuck, he just about did.

He unbuttons my pants and as he starts to unzip them, he stops. His eyes trail up until they lock with mine. "Uh." He clears his throat. "Shit."

Of course. My hip scars. Taking my shorts off would leave me vulnerable without my beauties. He had actually thought with something other than his dick for once. My cheeks flush as I move my arms around his waist, tucking my face away against him.

His fingers run in my hair.

I know he's gotta be fucking disappointed if I am that all this shit didn't lead anywhere. "Thank you, dumpy."

He gives me a breathed laugh before helping me back in my clothing. "I'll be in after a while."

I'm angry thinking about how I got him worked up but he's going to go fuck one of his wives. "That's **my** chubby!"

He swallows hard, unsure of what to say.

"Forget it," I murmur. I retreat to his room to rid this tension. My skin is still so sensitive from his touch that it doesn't take me long. I situate my shorts back in place before getting comfortable. There's no obnoxious moaning coming from the other room. Maybe he just doesn't want me to hear him. However, what I don't expect is to see a dripping wet Negan walk in. Giant sized wet foot prints behind him. "Here, let me," I tell him when he tries to dry off his back. I stand up on the bed and start with his wide shoulders.

"You think about me?"

"Yes."

"Not even a fuck you, Negan? Damn, I must be doing something right."

I moved down to his broad muscular back I've become quite interested in. "Did you think about me?"

"Of fucking course, and I'm still hard." He sighs, closing his armoire. "I must be the stupidest son of a bitch alive to give up pussy. Especially yours."

"But don't you see the progress we're making?"

"I don't want progress, RM. I just wanna thrust my dick in something warm, then pass the fuck out."

"Then go fuck your wives and leave me the fuck out of it! You're fucking ridiculous with this shit!"

"I fucking hate how you act like I don't mean shit to you." He rips the towel from my hand. "That's **my** chubby," he mocks me.

"You and Madsen always on my back about that shit. I didn't fucking grow up this way. With feelings shit and affection things. That ain't who I am. I can't deal with this constant need for validation on something I have told you before."

"Well… when you say it like that all this validation talk makes me feel like I've got the biggest vagina."

"Good. Then you can go fuck yourself and leave me out of it."

Negan gives me a breathed laugh, then thanks me as if he needed the help drying off. There go those goddamn gray pajama pants, fuck. "What?"

"I kinda maybe sorta like that line of hair you have."

"No shit, bitch? You fucking sick or something?"

"Yeah. I must be if I'm talking about body hair." Fuck, but Madsen looked so fucking fine without it. But then… Negan looks good with it. "Don't you think it would fuck you up a bit if I looked exactly like Lucille?"

"Wait, but which one of you would have the body hair?"

I start to laugh.

"I don't know, RM. I mean, how much do Madsen and I look alike?"

"It'd be quicker to point out your differences."

"Which are?"

"He was 6 foot 5. You're 6 foot 8. He had blue eyes. You have brown. He smoked. You don't. You curse. He didn't."

"Seriously?! That's it?"

"Oh, his arms weren't as muscular as yours."

"Because he was fifty years old!"

"Forty-six!"

"Gross! I still cannot fucking believe you fucked someone that old."

"Bitch, you don't even know the half of it. Women were always throwing themselves at him wherever we went. Fuck, it used to piss me off so much. He was **my** property! They'd come into the shop and lean over his desk while their sweater meat spilled out. They're lucky I'm not about violence because 4 foot 10 or not, don't fuck with my man!"

"Yeah! Get nasty, girl!" That surly smirk of his fades quickly as he narrows his eyes some.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Yeah fucking right."

"It's just… you… well you said that you didn't want the other girls on your chubby earlier in the bathroom. Like you were all territorial and shit."

"Yeah, dingus. Now do you see? Do you see why you needing validation is fucking stupid? Stop flexing your arm muscles right now."

"I'm not flexing."

"Bullshit."

He snickers before getting in the bed.

Thank fuck he hasn't figured out how much that broad back of his gets me going.

"How are your hands? Let me see them."

"They're fine."

"That really fucking meant a lot to me what you did for her."

"When you put a bandaid on my beauties I felt the same way."

He sighs. "I hate seeing your bare legs. It reminds me of that day you got the rash. That was one of the worst days of my life."

I have never wanted this dumpy fuck more than I do right now.

"Goodnight."

No, no, come back, don't roll over.

He turns his oil lamp down so there's just some giant silhouette next to me.

Most nights I fantasize that it's Madsen. Here lately, those are replaced with Negan. Out of all the fucking nights I'm crushed by that limb, why can't tonight be one of them? I feel even more alone when he starts to softly snore. I'm not cold, but I scoot up against him just to be close to his warmth. More importantly, his scent. I thought a lot about Negan that night. Madsen treated me like I was the only thing that mattered but with Negan that would mean sharing his attention with other women. Even if he sent them away, this back and forth bullshit with us would eventually become stale and I know he'd start seeking out the attention of other women. Then I'd be just like Sherry. Pretend it doesn't hurt every time he adds one more until I'm so beat down that this depraved life becomes normal. I end up losing my spot when he rolls over. His arm is too heavy to move so I can't slip under it. I scoot some hair from his brow, pushing it back.

"Baby, stop," he responds groggy.

My stomach sinks. Baby is reserved for one person. Lucille. He's dreaming of her. I know he can't help what he dreams about, but it messes with me. In fact, I find myself tearing up for no reason other than I'm jealous. I ain't no one's baby but Mama's so why the fuck am I acting like this? I roll over, moving as far away from him as I can and curl up into a small ball. Shit this sucks.

* * *

I pretended to be asleep this morning when he left so I didn't have to tell him goodbye, and I miss school today because I just don't fucking care to face anyone. This feeling sorry for yourself shit is so fucking stupid. Especially when I'm the only one to blame! Drawing always helped Madsen, so maybe it could help me? Bad idea, because all it does is frustrate me since I'm not any damn good at it! The paper starts to pile up at my feet. It only takes me all fucking day, but I'm finally making progress. It figures, too, now that dingus is home.

"RM?"

"Hold on, I'm almost done with my drawing."

Negan takes the crayon from my hand and on the paper he lays a pair of stockings.

I look up at him over my shoulder. "For me?"

"No, bitch, they're for me."

But they're just… so much different than what I'm used to. I hold them up to get a better look. They're fishnet, but there's satin black bows on the back of them down where my ankle would be. My DM's won't work with these stockings or the boots he got me, but then I realize it's because I'm not supposed to wear any shoes with them. I'm supposed to just be in these. Naked. Just how I like it. I quickly start to undress so I can get these on.

Negan clears his throat unsure of what to do. "S-sorry…" He has a seat on his bed and keeps his head lowered until I have them on.

"Thank you, Negan."

"You're welc-" His eyes widen as he takes me in. "Wow," he responds. His fingertips touch the back of my arm to turn me around. He lets out a deep breath, running his hand down his mouth.

"What is it?" I twist around to see what he's looking at.

"I know you don't have any tits, but your ass more than makes up for it."

I can feel the heat against my cheeks.

"It's, uh," he clears his throat, "…can I touch?"

I give him a nod and take a step closer.

His fingers lightly trail the back of my leg and up over the curve of my ass. "Goddamn. Your ass is fucking incredible."

My ass is one place I've never really had an issue with. Maybe it's from all the moonwalking. I thought this is one of those moments where things were going to get really hot and bothersome, but this motherfucker just starts laughing. Laughing! Can you fucking believe that shit? "The fuck are you laughing at!" Now I'm just starting to feel self-conscious."

"Rumpy and dumpy. We're rumpy and dumpy."

Sweet fuck. You've got to be joking me. "Get the fuck out," I cackle. Goddamn him. "Okay, bitch, that's pretty fucking hilarious." Well, the moment is ruined, but it's pretty well worth it because I forget all about my shit mood. And I have stockings again.

"Can we please make a rule that as long as you're naked you stay in this room or the parlor?"

"That seems fair."

Negan hasn't taken his eyes off my ass yet.

"Do you have any rules when it comes to fucking?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know. Stuff you're not down with. Like I'm not about the threesomes."

"Bullshit you're not about two dudes."

"Oh, well, when you say it like that, hell yeah. Mmm fuck yeah, I'd be okay with you and Madsen at the same time."

"Sorry, I ain't into dead people."

"I didn't say you'd be fucking him. Besides, there's no way Madsen would take it up the leather cheerio."

"So you think I would?!"

"You were all about me sticking a finger up your bullet hole!"

"Yeah because that finger isn't some dudes dick."

"Okay, so no guys. What else?"

"Sometimes I could just fucking strangle you, bitch."

"Sorry, I'm not into choking. That's you and Madsen's thing. Oh! You two could choke each other!"

"You know, I think my dick has actually receded inward from this stupid fucking fucked up fuckery."

"Really? Because I think I need to change these beauties. Call me humpy."

Negan massages his temple in frustration. "Any-fuck-fucking-way. Besides a sausage sandwich, I ain't really fucking down with my nipples being touched."

"Yeah-"

"Wait a fucking minute. Did you just call those stockings beauties?"

"…" I guess I didn't realize it. Maybe this is what I need to move on from Madsen? New legs.

"Madsen bought you the star ones, didn't he?"

I nod my head.

"That's why those were **the** beauties and not just stockings."

"I don't know if I'm ready for this truth yet," I frown.

"I, uh," he starts to laugh as he scratches the side of his head, "I looked real fucking manly taking those off the mannequin."

I flashback to the day I got my beauties and the man at the store was being so fucking rough trying to get them off that mannequin. I thought he was going to rip the fucking things before I even got them home!

 _Gentle! Gentle!_

"Why'd you ask me if I had any rules about fucking?"

I'm so thankful he's changed the subject. "I was just curious. Madsen had a lot of rules. He had a thing about me leaving hickeys on him. That it didn't look very professional."

"Right, for when he showed up at some crackheads house. God fucking forbid they think he was unprofessional."

"I guess for the shop. Fuck, I don't know. He wasn't very affectionate. We didn't really kiss much or any of that shit."

"Yeah. He didn't kiss that precious pearl."

I start to laugh.

"Well, you sure as fuck can leave marks anywhere on me," he grins. "Anywhere you want. Anywhere. Like even on my-"

"I got it the first time."

"Wanna fuck around some?"

I know he doesn't believe me, but I really gave it some thought. There is this part of me that wants to, I guess, make it special? Fuck. How stupid. It's just… I never fucked him sober before. Every time we try, something fucks it up, so why would this time be any different? Then we both get frustrated and say fucked up shit to each other. If I tell him to go stick it in one of his wives it's going to cause a fight because, for whatever reason, he's been keeping his distance from them.

He sighs as his attention turns to one of the windows. "What are we doing, RM?"

"I don't know, Negan."

"I don't even know why I waste my time trying to fuck you," he snaps, slamming the door behind him.

I know how this fucker feels.

 _Tch. I don't know why I waste my time trying to fuck you anyway. You probably can't even get it up._

Jesus I must have asked Madsen five hundred and twenty times before he finally gave the fuck in and fucked me. It's odd to be on the other end of that. I wonder if this is how Madsen felt all those times he said no and I stormed out.

* * *

I'm not really all that hungry tonight. Guess last night is still bothering me. Luckily Simon offers a distraction for the moment. I tilt my head to the side some as I watch him dump some Cheetos into his soup. "You eat Raymond's soup and Cheetos, too?"

"Raymond's soup," Simon chuckles. "Yeah. I eat Raymond's soup and Cheetos."

"What's so funny?"

"Because it's ramen noodles."

The fuck is a noodle?

"But I like the way you say it better."

I really care for Simon a lot. We just have this understanding. Somedays we sit in silence, but those are nice, too. "Um," I redden. "I made you something."

"Made me something?"

"It was family day in class and I don't, uh. Well, everyone I know is dead... so I..." I slide the picture over to him. "I know you're not my fucking dad or anything, but I needed someone so the teacher didn't ask questions. That's why we're, you know, I drew us holding hands."

He just stares back at me with that same dazed look I usually give.

"It's dumb, I know. I should have asked. You can throw it away. Are you mad?"

He scoots it to him when I try to take it away. "Thanks, kiddo."

Oh, that's a fucking relief.

"I like how you drew my mustache," he smirks.

I'm definitely no artist. Madsen was. I'd give anything to have his sketchbook.

Simon tucks the picture into his pocket like he's proud of it. Boasting, hoping people might ask what that was sticking out of it so he could show off my work. "I gotta go to one of the outposts for a couple of days."

"Damn," I sigh. "Let me talk to Negan!"

"No, it's okay. I need to. Shit ain't getting done."

"Well... fuck," I murmur. I reach into my pocket and give Simon the rabbit's foot that Morgan gave me. "Here, for good luck."

He laughs, taking the foot. "It's only the outpost. I'm coming back."

No he won't. Everyone always leaves me. **Always**.

...

Negan looks disturbed as a motherfucker when he comes into the room that night.

"What happened to you?!"

"Nothing. I don't even want to talk about what I just walked in on Sherry and Amber saying. No guy should have to listen to that shit."

"Period stuff?"

"Shut up, RM!"

"You missed it. They were talking about sex toys earlier."

"About using them on each other?!" Now I've got his attention.

I roll my eyes annoyed. I figured he'd want to talk about last night, but he just acts like nothing happened. Guess I will, too.

"What's the craziest shit you've ever done?"

"Crazy?"

"You know, like some filthy fuckery. I know you've probably done some shit in your day."

"Madie, Cheeto, Ren, Specs, Dominic, and I bought a camper and drove out to Nevada to this festival called Burning Man. It was great. I got to be naked in nothing but my beauties and my DM's all week. They have this thing called the orgy dome-"

"You had an orgy?!"

"No, dingus, let me finish. It's just called that. You don't have to have an orgy. Madie and I stayed in the couples section, not the group section. I liked it because it was the closest I'd come to fucking him with someone watching."

"So people just stand around and jerk off watching you fuck?"

"No. You can't just stand there and watch or you get asked to leave. If you go in, you gotta be fucking. I liked all the moaning, it was pretty hot."

"Goddamn, that is fucking insane. Lucille would slap the holy fuckedy out of me if I even mentioned something like that, let alone go to some orgy with her."

"The orgy dome wasn't something I'd go back and do because after we fucked I started to think about some girl getting off on his muscles and it pissed me off. As we were leaving, some guy tried to grope me and Madie buried him in that desert."

"Why the fuck were you naked in public anyway?"

"Because I could since there were no rules about it, and I like being naked. Don't look at me like there's something wrong with wanting to be naked. I mean, come on, what's the first thing to go when you used to get home? Your pants. Only I just like to take off my shirt and free my little fried eggs."

"I guess you got a point there. So you drove across the country to fuck him in a tent?"

"No. That's not why we went. You just asked what the craziest thing I had ever done was. Besides, that's just one thing to do out of the thousands of events. Oh, there were these people dressed as aliens, and they had this giant metal UFO I got to climb on. Madie even took me to a roller disco."

"That big fuck skated?"

"Nah. He just watched me. Then we went to a rave that night."

"I cannot fucking see Madsen going to a rave."

"He was pretty fun after some MDMA."

"What's that?"

"Ecstasy."

"I don't want to hear how you two fucked on it before you start up that shit."

"Well, it wasn't all sunshine and leather panties while we were there. There's this thing called a white-out where the sand blows in and you can't see fuck all. Luckily, we had goggles and bandanas. It doesn't warm up when the storm comes in so you freeze your ass off. I was kinda scared because it's constant dust and wind for hours."

"I'm just trying to imagine this. Sand all in your beauties and you're high as a fucking kite."

"It was fucking awesome. The entire experience was. The lights, the fire, the music. They have these workshops you can go to. Like one was how to crack a whip. And there's this place called temple. You go and can pay tribute to someone that has died or look around at all the other people's pictures and messages. At the end of the festival, they burn the temple. It's pretty cathartic. I think it helps lots of people heal."

"What's the frown for then?"

"Do you think things will ever go back to the way they were?"

He shakes his head side to side.

"Yeah. I figured. Well, at least I got to go once."

"What'd Madsen think about you naked?"

"He didn't really like it, but I do what I want."

"Do you **really** like being naked?"

"I **really** like being naked." I have a seat on the dumpy fuckers lap. "What drug did you do?"

"Cocaine."

"Oh, god. You would. You're already an asshole sober. I can't even imagine you on coke."

"I was a fucking tyrant. You didn't want to be around me when I used, and you sure as fuck didn't want to be around me when I went without using for too long."

"Did you like to fuck on cocaine? I did."

"Hell fucking yes I did. Some of the best sex I ever had I was coked out of my mind."

"You mean besides the times you fucked me."

"It's been so long since you let me fuck you, I don't even remember."

"Oh."

"It's a joke. You're supposed to fuck me to prove me wrong."

"Pervert mind powers."

He gives me the most twisted laugh.

"I wonder if you bought from my Madie."

"Doubtful. I think I'd remember some fuck who looks exactly like me. Or maybe I was just so fucked up I didn't even notice."

"Fucked up enough to have our threesome?"

"I'll suck some dick the day that you go diving for pearls."

"No goddamn way. These lips aren't touching any pearls."

"Want some pearls on your neck then?"

"You're fucking ridiculous."

"Okay, sure, Miss I'll take two churros in my oven, please."

"Come on, I got a name for our threesome and everything. Mr. N!"

"What the fuck?"

"Madsen, RM, Negan."

"That is fucking the dumbest thing to ever leave your mouth."

"Dumb or sexy?"

"Are you fucking high right now?"

"No!"

He pulls up my eyelids.

"Ow! Stop," I laugh when he keeps poking at my cheeks, then eventually my dimples. He eases his index finger through the hole in my ear with a chuckle.

"Worst mistake of my life."

"If it makes you feel any better I made the mistake of piercing my cock."

"No you goddamn didn't."

"Damn, bitch, I thought you'd go with it." Negan shakes off his jacket and puts it around me when there's a knock at the door. "Every fucking time. What," he snaps.

I listen to one of his men drone on about some strategy. Boring.

"I don't know. I'd have to come look at it," Negan responds.

I move closer against him. "Don't leave. You just got here," I whisper.

Negan covers my feet up when he catches his man looking at them, then holds me tighter. "Have Dwight look at it. I'm fucking busy, and don't ever let me catch your eyes on my wife again."

…the fuck? Negan has never had an issue with that before. If anything, he loves parading them around.

"I-I'm sorry, Sir."

"Get the fuck out, now. Fucking prick."

It makes me feel invincible.

"I'm sorry," he tells me, setting his jacket to the side.

"You stayed," I smile.

"I probably shouldn't have. Things are so fucked up right now."

Seeing him this way was strange. I didn't mind his usual annoyances, and I looked forward to him coming home not just a few nights but every night.I stare back at him because I want so desperately to have one more embrace like in the bathroom. I'm anything but a seductress, but I try my damnedest and trace my finger along his strong jawline.

His hand slips around the back of my neck as I'm brought to his lips.

Though I guess being in nothing but these beauties on his lap would probably work with any girl. Except that's not how he looks at me when he breaks our kiss.

"Fuck it." His lips come back hard against mine before I'm quickly taken to his bed.

He stretches over me, dipping his head down by my stomach and working his way up. His teeth nip at my sides, up my ribs as his eyes slowly move up to mine. "Keep going?"

I nod my head and moan as his tongue sweeps over my chest. "Fuck!" I know I don't have much, but he takes his time. All this sensual bullshit is about to go out the window because I'm only interested in one thing right now. "Pants. Off."

He leans back on his knees, undoing his belt.

I anxiously help with the rest, working them down his hips.

He won't let me actually take them off because he's got this thing about being naked while he fucks.

I don't care as long as one thing is free and get to my knees.

"Oh, fucking shit," he moans, moving his hips with my mouth. Negan stretches his arm out, rubbing down my ass and back up again. "Yeah, RM, that's so fucking good."

"Shut up and lay down." I'm sure he expected me to get on top of him when he does, but I'm not done yet and slide his length between my lips. He's so obnoxious and over the top. It's actually kind of ridiculous. I know it's trashy, but it makes me feel good. He's never this loud with them. Every time he tries to take himself from my mouth, I shove his hand away.

"Shit, RM. I'm so close."

I know.

"Fuck," he moans. "Are you fucking sure?"

Yes, now shut your fucking mouth for once. I thought he held his breath when he fucked? I guess maybe it's a good thing because he's never this loud with them. Never says their name. I don't really have any room to talk though. I'm surprised Madsen didn't go deaf sometimes.

"Yeah, fuck," he grunts, pulling in a lungful of air. His teeth grit together as he watches until he can't hold back any longer. Out comes that trapped breath, and the dumbest uses of the word fuck I've ever heard.

Part of me was disappointed we didn't get to actually fuck, but I'm also relieved.

Negan just kind of lays there with his eyes shut. His massive chest expanding with each unsteady breath.

It's really fucking hot actually.

His brow knitting together otherwise still immobile. "Guess you got a mouthful of pearls after all," he snickers. His fucking stupid remark backfires.

"Guess that means you get to suck some dick for me since that was the deal."

He shoots me a glare. "That's not what I fucking meant."

"Loophole!"

"It ain't fucking happening."

"Shit," I pout.

"You sure you don't want to sit on my face? I can return the favor. Help you out."

"I'm fine."

He takes hold of my ankle and slides me across the bed to him.

"You don't seem too sure about that." His fingers trail along my inner thigh.

I'm really not, and he's about ten seconds away from actually finding that out.

He brings his hand back and starts to slide his pants back up.

Fuck! Why does he have to leave it up to me? Just rip a hole in these beauties and fuck me into submission! I know he's thinking the same goddamn thing. That he'd love nothing more than to be so fucking far inside me right now.

"You got any of those Cheetos in here? I still haven't opened that peanut butter and jelly you gave me."

Or not. And there goes my lady boner. I don't really know what I expected from him other than to be fucking him right now, but in all fairness he really did try. Maybe it's for the best. Like I'm not ready or some shit. Just means I'll have to rub one out after he passes out from his sex and food coma then. I can't believe he's going to soil my Cheetos like this. "Here."

"Goddamn, you sure do go through a bag fast. Guess it all goes to your ass though, huh, rumpy?"

This motherfucker…

* * *

 **A/N Oh! I wrote a short one-shot with Daryl and RM called 'The Road' if you want to check it out. He'll briefly be in a much later chapter.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N Just a warning, this chapter deals with sensitive subjects. RM's past is revealed which is also disturbing. This is the last chapter that takes place primarily in Sanctuary so this story is about to take a complete turn.**

* * *

 _ **Temerate**_ _(v.) to break a bond or binding promise._

* * *

"Abso-fucking-lute-the-fuck-ly not. Are you back on those fucking drugs, RM?"

I roll my shoulders forward with a heavy sigh. "God you're fucking dramatic. I'm just asking, dingus."

"That's not how shit even works around here. When we scavenge, if you find things it goes in the truck, then it's put in the supply closet. It's not a fucking free for all because you found it."

"You won't know what to look for even if I give you a list. Please, I wanna come!"

"I'll help you come."

Actually, yeah. Yeah, that's how I can sway shit my way, and it works!

Negan folds his arms, embellishing his full height. "I want to touch your feet, then. In fact, I want one of those foot jobs again."

"So that means I can go?" I jump up and down in excitement before I begin my moonwalk.

"Wait a minute!" He stills me by my arm. "What I say fucking goes out there, and I mean **every-motherfucking-thing**. You stay by my fucking side, and if it's too dangerous you wait in the truck. RM, don't make me regret this because I'm going to fuck you the fuck up one side and down the fucking other if you don't listen to me."

I humor the motherfucker because he seems really opposed to this.

"Where are you going?"

"You just said I could come!"

"Today isn't a supply run."

"Well," I whine. "But I want those things now!"

"Tough shit. I have things to do. I'll see you tonight, and stay the fuck in Sanctuary, RM."

I mock him with an ugly expression when he turns around to leave.

...

Outside in the courtyard is still technically a part of Sanctuary. Maybe I could talk one of these burly fuck Saviors to take me. Negan would never know. Knowing my luck, some shit would go down and then I'd really be in trouble. I plop myself down on one of the tables. I'm not used to having to wait on things. Madsen really did spoil me.

"Hey," Dwight says.

Oh, god. Not him. Not now. Not when I'm so confused about my feelings for Negan.

"Can I?" He points to the empty spot beside me.

No. No, RM! "Sure." What are you doing?!

"I miss you."

Of all the fucking things.

"Wait." He grabs me by the arm to pull me back down in my seat. "I'm sorry for pushing you away. I want to thank you. I didn't want to hear the things you had to say, but you were right."

"If Negan sees us together you know it will only put more tension between the two of you."

"Let him be angry. Soon, none of that will matter."

"I don't understand what you mean." When he runs his hand down the side of my head, I push it off me. "Dwight, that sounded like a threat."

"And you're starting to sound just like him!"

"Look, I don't agree with everything Negan does, but no one is forcing you to be here, either. Negan does right by us."

"That's a fucking lie."

"No, your opinion is bias. I know that he's got your wife, but, Dwight, that was her decision not once but twice. Sometimes I think that Sherry is making excuses to stay with him."

"I see he's got in your head, too."

"Where are you going?"

"Some of us have to work for our points, RM."

My eyes well up as I turn my head from him. "Asshole," I murmur.

"Slut," he responds, leaving me alone.

Or so I thought I was alone.

The Savior leader towers over me as his lip snarls. I can see the veins and tendons protrude in his neck, yet something is keeping him at bay. "You fucking know I was here the entire time?"

I shake my head no. Now I'm glad I didn't leave.

"I really hope you don't believe that slut shit."

"Guess I do if I feel this shitty?"

"Because you thought he was someone you could trust. Just like I did."

"He's only seeing one side of things because of Sherry." Fucking Sherry. Always fucking shit up!

"Fuck him. Sherry is a ladder climber, and I saw that shit a mile away. I did him a fucking favor."

"I thought he was my friend," I frown.

Negan might be pretty dense at times, but he knows I'm upset. "Let's go get dinner. We'll eat just the two of us."

"So I can feel even more like a slut that doesn't work for points? I'll pass- ow," I whine, when he pulls me up by the arm.

"Bitch, you're not going to sit here and feel sorry for yourself. Especially over something that comes out of that leatherface fuck."

"Alright, fine!"

"You know, I'm getting real sick of this shit when you don't get your way. I told you you're not a slut. Just like I told you I would take you into town when I get a chance so that's the end of it."

"I'm sorry, okay?" Negan has been in a really bad mood the last few days. It's like the stress of everything is starting to show. As insane as it sounds, it's kinda hot.

"What are you doing?"

"I want to wait in line for food tonight."

"Pff, why?"

"Because, it's the right thing to do, dingus."

"Look, I bust my fucking balls for this place. Being moved to the front of the line is a respect thing."

"Well, it ain't happening tonight so get the fuck in line."

"I swear to fuck on floozy if I didn't want your pussy as much as I did," he grumbles, taking his place at the back of the line.

The Saviors all look confused. "Is… something wrong, Sir," one of them asks.

"Yeah, that fucking kill's gonna be picked clean by the time we make it up there. Which at this rate, should be the middle of next fucking week."

I still his flailing hand. "Mellow fucking out."

He folds his arms with a pout.

As the line starts to inch its way down, so did the meat on that animal. Would you fucking believe that the person in front of Negan got the last piece?

"S-sorry, Sir! I didn't realize you didn't get food yet. Hey," the worker in the kitchen shouts at the man who was in front of Negan.

I shoot Negan a glare when the plate is taken from that man and given to him.

Negan draws out the longest sigh before giving the plate back. "Go. Before I change my fucking mind."

A part of me did feel bad for him, so I decided that I would suffer, too. They give us some kind of slop on our plate.

Negan's brow raises. "You really gonna eat that?"

"What is it?"

"Chili. I… think."

Well, _Chili I think_ is probably about the worst thing I've ever had here. After two bites, I scrape the rest off my plate onto Negan's. Fuck that, I'll starve.

He practically inhales it, and my hand.

Gross. Waste of a goddamn glove.

"Can I fucking help you," he asks with a mouthful to one of the younger men just standing at the end of our table.

Now I know that I say some pretty off the wall shit, but this kid is a moron. He's lucky he leaves before Negan loses his shit.

"God I fucking hate your generation. If I gotta hear _that's legit_ one more goddamn time I'm adding more motherfuckers to my fence."

"Way to show your age, old man."

"Fuck you. How old was Madsen again? Fucking ninety?"

"Forty-six, and fuck you."

"Well, I'm sure he'd agree with me about your dumb generation, too."

"He used to get real mad when I'd say ain't."

 _Stop using ain't. You know I do not like it when you talk like that._

"Seriously? He bitched at you for that?"

"Madsen chewed my ass all the time."

Negan mumbles something under his breath, before pushing his tray away from him.

I follow after him as I nervously knot my hands. He seems tense, and not like his usual dramatic self. Was it something I said? I didn't say anything though! "What were you mumbling?"

"Doesn't fucking matter." He doesn't even hold the parlor door open for me. "Look at this. Everyone is conveniently asleep about the time I get home. Fucking useless bitches." He shuts the bathroom door so hard it splinters and the knob pops off.

I watch the metal twirl before coming to a complete stop. This is more than his bad mood. It's going to cause a fight, but I want to know what he mumbled.

Negan's hands grip the porcelain sink as his head is dipped down. Several tears have already fallen against the chrome faucet. It paralyzes me to see this man in such a frail submissive state because I know it's not for me to see. Is this something that he does often, or is this just his breaking point? Did I cause this? I slip my arms around his torso in hopes that he knows he doesn't have to go through this alone. Maybe I'm not the best with this affection shit, but I am here.

"Get your **fucking** hands off me."

"No," I whimper, trying my best to hold onto him.

He drives his fist right into the metal wall. "Let fucking go," he screams.

"You're hurting yourself!"

"What do you care, bitch? You don't give a fuck about me!"

"That's not true!"

"I have **never** tried to change you, other than the drug use. Even with all your quirks and that stupid fucking rapping. Yet he fucking gets on to you for saying a goddamn word? And you fucking lay down for **that**? Or maybe you were the one on top. I'll never know since you can't stand the thought of fucking me."

"Hey, hey! That's none of your fucking business, okay? Madsen put up with all my shit with a smile, so don't make him out to be something that he's not. And for the record, ain't ain't even a fucking word which means all he was trying to do was better me."

"Yeah, Madsen the all fucking mighty."

 _Where's Madsen the all fucking mighty?_

 _We got in a fight._

 _You stupid girl. What did I always tell you?_

I cover my ears. "Stop it, Mama," I beg.

 _Out of my way. Boss ain't paying me to talk._

"RM?"

 _Well, I got some of that money stuff. If I paid you, could we talk?_

 _Maybe after my shift I can spare a minute._

 _Okay, Mama._

"RM!"

I snap out of it when he gives me a quick jerk and lower my hands down some. "What?"

"What?! What do you mean what? You just called me Mama!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Oh, right. I'm just making this shit up."

Fuck. I did? Am I fucking losing it? What'd they put in that goddamn chili? "Look, fucker. I didn't come after you because I wanted to start world war three. Or whatever goddamn world war this is between us, I've lost count. And for the record, there's been plenty of times I wanted to fuck you these last few weeks."

"Yeah? Is that why you followed me? To fuck me? Fuck you, RM. Get the fuck out, now!"

"I followed after you because those feelings that I felt for Madsen, that you constantly give me shit about, I feel for **you**. The reason I hesitate at times is because I know what being with you means. Sharing you with five women, and yeah, that fucking bothers me. I don't want to be just another rocket socket."

"What the fuck?! Why didn't you say anything sooner!"

"You cheated on Lucille all the time and that was someone you loved! What fucking chance would the druggie cunt have? I don't have incredibly fuckable tits and long flowing untangled hair." My bottom lip starts to tremble as it chokes me up. "I'm just trailer trash. I should be the one called dumpy," I whimper, tears flooding my eyes. Fuck. I don't even give Negan a chance to respond, and do the only thing I'm good at. Running. Through the parlor and up the side steps to the roof. I check my hiding spot on the roof for my pills under one of the rocks.

 _ **Empty**_.

"Fuck! Fuck," I scream, beating the rock against the roof until it splits it half and I smash my finger. "Goddammit!" I turn around so I can go find Connor but bump right into Negan. I hit him with such force that I lose my balance and fall backwards.

"Sweet fucking fuck!" Negan is able to catch me before I tumble right off the roof.

I blink a few times in disbelief at what just fucking happened.

Negan yanks me against him, thrusting a hand down into my pocket. "See these?" He's pulled my sobriety coins out. "Kiss these motherfucking goodbye." He flings them off the roof.

"No," I scream, trying to lunge for them but his grip is too strong.

"Up here looking for drugs like I don't fucking know! You've gotta be kidding me with this fucking shit!"

"My coins," I whine, going completely limp in his arms.

"Why would you throw all this away for some fucking pills?" He gives me a violent shake. "Answer me, goddammit!"

"Fuck you, leave me alone!" I wait for him to drop me on the rough tarred roof. Instead, he brings me close against him. Negan opens his hand to reveal the coins still in his palm.

"But I thought..."

"I just acted like I threw them, though after this stunt you pulled they're mine." He stuffs them in his pocket.

I try to fish them out, but he shoves my hand away. "Never thought I'd see the day when you don't want my hand in your pants. I mean, how bad does one have to fuck up to be rejected by you? Your standards are pretty low. Especially for you to see something in me."

"Look, I know today has been a shit day. You wanted to go get that stuff and I said no. The fight with Dwight. Our fight."

I stand up straight again, moving away from that. "You think I give a fuck about any of that? No, what bothers me is the fact that I open up to you to tell you that I have feelings for you and that shit gets completely fucking ignored."

"How the fuck am I supposed to know when you're being serious?!"

"When am I not serious, motherfucker? What you see is what you get!"

"Well," he whines. "Say all that nice shit again."

"Fuck you."

He grabs my wrist before I can get too far. "You're not just another rocket socket to me."

"Yeah, bitch? We gonna have the white picket fence and live happily ever fucking after with your wives?" I scoff at him, trying to pull away.

"Would you settle for rusted chain link?"

"This ain't a fucking joke!" When Negan comes after me, I sweep my leg out like PM showed me, putting the dumpy fuck right on his ass.

"What… the…"

"I'm going to the Kingdom. Goodbye."

"RM! Wait!"

As I return to his room to pack my things, I remember what my friend Cheeto told me.

 _A man will stop at nothing when it comes to the woman he wants to be with._

Let's see just how much truth there is behind the whole _not just another rocket socket_. I don't even make it past his door before he's standing in the frame.

His arm is stretched out, blocking me from going any further. "First off, I think you should know I'm pretty fucking turned on right now by that stunt on the roof."

I snap him a glare.

"Second, and listen up because this is god's honest shit. You mean a fucking fuck ton to me, you strange broad. I'm going to refrain from profanity momentarily to illustrate just how serious I am. Women have come and gone, and I feel nothing about it. But if I lose you? **That is it**. If you walk out that door, you're going to take the only humanity I have left in me." He moves his hand from the door frame, settling it at his side. "Do what you have to do. Just know that **nothing** will stop me from getting you back, and I will do **anything** to do so."

 _A man will stop at nothing when it comes to the woman he wants to be with._

"You really mean that?"

"I most certainly motherfucking do."

I drop my bag to my feet, moving my arms around him. I'm hoisted up so that I'm eye level with him. "Fuck you, Negan."

"Fuck you, too, RM." He steps forward into his room, closing the door behind him with his foot as he rubs my ass a bit before having a seat with me in his chair.

I sink down on his lap, tucking myself away against his chest. I'm not really sure what all this means, but I guess at this point I'm just happy to fit somewhere in this world of his alongside all these other women. Does that make me crazy? Probably. Do I care? No.

* * *

My hot breath fogs up the window. I use my forearm to wipe it away. The sky looks like everything is about to fall to fuck. It must be time for storm season again. I hope Negan gets home soon. The trucks pulled up a while ago so I know he's gotta be here. Thankfully, I don't have to wait too much longer but he seems a little tense tonight. Go figure now that we're actually getting along.

"Your teacher stopped me on the way up here tonight."

Fuck. "Okay, but in my defense it really wasn't supposed to look like a banana bazooka, it just did!"

"…what?!"

Oh shit. He's not talking about that dick sculpture I did in class?

He shakes his head, rubbing his brow.

"Well… what's that look for?"

"I don't want you to take this as an insult but sometimes I wonder if maybe you're not as old as I think you are."

"How old do you think I am?"

"Cut the shit. How old are you, RM?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't fucking know?"

I stare back at him because he's starting to annoy me.

"Okay. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you never celebrated your birthday."

"Like that stupid party Amber threw you? No."

"Which you fucking ruined, by the way."

"Cry me a fucking river."

"Anyway, let's fucking think. There must have been some time when you knew your age."

"I met Madsen when I was eleven."

"Oh, that is fucking sick!"

"Stop fucking spitting on me!"

"What the **fuck** was a grown man doing with a child?!"

"Madsen never touched me-"

"I thought you said you two fucked?"

Now I'm fucking irritated. "Let me fucking finish. Jesus. He came over to see my mom about drugs. When he came into my room, I figured he was like the rest, but he wouldn't let me touch him."

"Wait a goddamn minute because I want to make sure I am hearing you right. Your mom let men rape you for drug money?"

"Look, man, that's just the way shit was, okay? I didn't know any better, and she told me that was the only way. Do you wanna figure out this age shit or not?" His door slamming shut startles me. I don't understand his mood swings. Where did he put my damn tabloids? I wanna finish that abduction story...

...

Dingus here startles me when he rips my tabloid from my hand.

"I was reading that!"

"You know, that motherfucking junkie cocksucking boyfriend of yours better be glad he's six fucking feet under because I would have killed him myself."

"Don't you fucking dare threaten my Madie! I fucking told you what the fuck happened."

"How old were you the first time he touched you?"

"I told you, I don't fucking know."

"You better start fucking talking! I want to know everything!"

"Alright, damn! Stop yelling at me!" Shit.

"Start from the beginning. He's at your house. What did he do to you?"

"Madsen took me from her home that night, and I went to live with him for four winters."

"Okay, so you're fifteen. Still not any better."

"And we still hadn't fucked. Anyway, you rude fuck. One day while Madie was at the shop, a few men broke into his house. They set it on fire and took me to their place in the desert. I spent three winter's there."

"Did they... rape you?"

"No. That's not why they took me. These men were rival dealers of Madsen's. The point of the fire was to make it look like I died."

"Then with Madsen grieving you, it took him out of the drug business."

"Yeah, and things fell to fuck fast. Cheeto's drinking got out of control. Madsen was fucked up from all the drugs used to cope with losing me. Dominic was the only reason the shop didn't go under."

"Why didn't you try and run away?"

"It wasn't as easy as walking out the front door, dingus. Plus one of the men had a son named Specs. The things they used to do to him were awful. I got my chance to escape the first year, but I couldn't leave him there."

"You could have told Madsen, he would have got Specs out of there."

"Yeah by Madsen killing those men. That's not what I wanted. I had to convince Specs that what they were doing to him was wrong. That things would be better if he came with me. If that meant two extra years captive, it was well worth it."

"So you finally convinced him and went back to live with Madsen at eighteen."

"Yeah, for two more winters. We fucked that last one. And only because I came onto him after the five hundredth and twenty time and I'm not even exaggerating. He'd be like, _I'm a grown man. It's wrong. I'm too old for you_ , blah, blah, blah."

"You didn't stop to think his side of it? You were with him since you were eleven."

"He said the same thing. _What would people think, RM? You've been with me since you were child_. But it's like I told him, he sure as fuck ain't my dad. Madie was my protector. He kept me safe. My stomach never hurt when I was with him like when I lived with Mama."

Negan lets out the longest sigh.

"What's wrong?"

"Here is this guy I thought was just some junkie fuck that you couldn't let go of because he OD'd with you in his lap. I never fucking though he'd actually be a decent guy, and it fucking pisses me off because… how the fuck am I supposed to compete with that?!"

"Madsen and I had our problems just like anyone else, man. In fact, things were almost over before they even began."

"What do you mean?"

"I got tired of asking him to fuck me. Eventually, I just stopped trying. Things spiraled way out of control and I said all this fucked up shit to him so he kicked me out of his house."

"His loss."

"Looking back on things and knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have wasted one minute on fighting."

"I was a fool for cheating on Lucille. The night I told her that I had ended things, she actually asked what was wrong with me. Why would I pick the sick one? Guess it doesn't really matter anymore." Negan's eyes drift off to the side some before returning back to mine. "So you forgave Madsen and he fucked your brains out which explains that spaced out look you always give."

"Yeah. Something like that. Sex was different with him. He let me keep my stockings on and he never hurt me. Madsen was also extremely protective of me when it came to other men. One time, this guy named Ducky forced himself on me and Madsen cut his balls off. Made the fucker carry them around in his pocket as a reminder to him and everyone else that I was his."

"That sounds like some shit I would do."

"It's fucking barbaric. He was still a person. Madsen had no right to take his balls. Just like you had no right to chain that man to the fence."

"Any-fucking-way, before I get even more pissed. Nineteen is still pretty fucking young, especially if he was forty-fucking-six."

I roll my eyes annoyed. "Fuck, man, get off my tits about that shit."

"Why did you only stay two winters with him?"

"To go live back with Mama."

"Why in the fuck would you go back to live with your mom after what she fucking put you through?"

"She got really sick."

"Yeah fucking right," he scoffs under his breath.

"What does that mean?"

"When did Madsen overdose?"

"That night we got to Mama's house."

"Whatever, but, okay."

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you let her boyfriend's rape you?"

"Why do you keep saying rape? Mama said that-"

"Exactly! Your mom was a piece of shit that should have had her tits in her pocket, too. She manipulated you, RM. Let me guess. Mama didn't like Madsen because Madsen knew what fucked up things she was doing to you. I'd be willing to bet she killed Madsen by lacing his drugs, or whatever needed to be done to make sure that Mama had a way to keep you at that house. And I bet while you were grieving Madsen some sorry fucking fucker was emptying into you while Mama was all doped up from the drugs it got her."

"I will **never** forgive you for what you said!"

"Well, the truth is one pill that's painful to fucking swallow."

"I'll show you motherfucker!" I hurry down to the level Connor stays on, beating on his door. "Connor, it's me, open up." Fuck Negan, I'm going to be so goddamn fucked up.

"Connor's dead, RM."

"You think he's the only way to get drugs?!"

Negan forcefully grabs me by the arm, pulling me back upstairs. "You wanna piss the life away that I gave you? You wanna fucking go out that way? Fine, bitch. Let's fucking **both** go out that way."

"You're hurting me!"

He shoves me into his bed.

"What are you doing?" My eyes widen as I look at this stash Negan has in his end table. It's all the shit he's ever confiscated from me.

"Yeah, bitch, get an eye full of this." He pulls me against him, pinning me in place as he takes a syringe and a balloon of heroin from his drawer.

"No, stop!"

"This is what you want, RM. We'll just go back to the way things were. You can fuck me for drugs and everything will be fine fucking fucking fine!"

It's the only time I've ever been frightened by a needle close to my arm. "No, please, I don't want this. Please, I want to be clean!"

"More for me then." I'm shoved to the floor before he sits back on his couch.

"No!" I hurry to him, fighting for the needle. "No, please don't do this! I'm sorry!"

"Come on, we'll get fucked up and fuck. I'll let you call me Madsen."

I finally get the needle, then shove open his window to toss everything out it. Fuck. Since when am I the one in control? The truth is, if Negan relapsed because of me, I'd never fucking forgive myself. I might have never killed someone before, but this would be the same thing.

He sits slouched back on his couch. No expression what so ever.

I, on the other hand, am a rattled fucking mess. "For fuck's sake." It feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. This big fucker means more to me than he'll ever know but it's about time that he knows. I straddle him, fixing his hair back in place.

He refuses to look at me. "I don't give a fuck whether or not you think I'm being harsh with you about your mother. What she did to you was fucking **wrong**. You're just too brainwashed to know right from **wrong**. Men touching you without your consent is **wrong**. There is nothing that makes it okay for a man to touch you."

 _There's that fucking word again. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. What does that even fucking mean?_

I didn't understand it when Madsen said it, and I don't understand what Negan is saying. "Mama said-"

" **That's enough**!"

I whine and drop my head submissively. "Madie hated Mama, too. He would always tell me, _if you're going to keep defending her, this conversation is over_."

Negan lets out a heavy sigh.

"I'm a real dick, okay?" I don't expect him to let out some breathed laugh.

"We still didn't figure out how old you are."

"Madsen had only been gone three days before people started eating each other."

"Two years have passed since the outbreak started, so that should make you about twenty-one now. Give or take. Maybe twenty-two since you're counting winters and not years."

"Apocalypse math?"

"Yeah."

"Let me make all this up to you."

"It's going to take a lot for-" His eyes drop taking in the sight of my naked flesh when I toss my shirt to the floor.

I slide off of him, moving his legs apart so I can kneel between them. There isn't much response from him other than his watchful curious eyes. He's not even turned on when I finally manage to free him from his pants. Usually, a few tugs and he's good to go but when I take my hand from him, it just kind of flops to the side. "I'll let you call me Lucille."

"Fucking Christ, that is not the issue!"

"I'm sorry!"

"How many times have we been in this spot all for it to fall to fuck?"

"As much as you think it's bullshit, I had my reasons for not taking things farther with you."

"You had **one** reason. Madsen."

"I let him go."

"Bull-fucking-shit. You need to understand something. I ain't him. Not even fucking close. I sure as fuck won't bow down the way he did."

"What are you saying? You are just like Madsen, and you belong to **me** , motherfucker."

"Yeah?" He leans over, getting right in my face. "Then who's the one on their fucking knees?"

"Fuck you!"

"Bitch, I wish you would fuck me with half the intensity you have when it comes to your hatred for me."

"Is that so? Because I'm trying to fuck you now except I'm not the one that's turned into the little engine that couldn't get it up."

"Really now?" Negan leans back against the couch, one arm slung across the top of it. That engorged arousal stands at full fuck me attention. His other hand lurches at me, grabbing a fist full of hair.

I gag trying to choke him down.

"What was that you were saying about getting it up? Let me hear you muffle it over my cock that you can barely fit in your mouth."

I pull away from him with a frustrated yell before hauling back and slapping the fuck out of him.

"The… fuck? You hit me!"

"How fucking dare you treat me like that!"

"You fucking liked it. I bet you're so wet right now I wouldn't even have to try. I'd just slide right in. Isn't that right, my little buckle buffer?"

I try to hit him again but he catches my wrist.

"Do it again and I'll tie your hands behind your back."

I take it as a challenge and use my other free hand.

He spins me around, yanking his belt off in one swift motion. The leather binds around my wrists, tightening with a jerk. Negan stands up behind me, tilting my chin back so he can look down at me. His arousal is uncomfortable as it stabs between my shoulder blades. He gives me a light smack to my cheek, then his fingers tighten around my jaw. "Be fucking nice."

"Fuck you," I snarl between my clenched teeth.

"Well… don't let me keep you waiting," he smirks, assuming his spot on the couch.

"You arrogant fuck."

"Prove me wrong then." He touches the tips of his fingers to the back of his ear. "What's that? Not a goddamn fucking thing because you're so fucking turned on right now you're just trying to decide if you want me in your mouth or inside you." His lip only curls up more. "Or maybe both." He sides my shorts button out of place and with a tug, they pool around my feet. Negan pats his knee.

I set my foot against the denim so he can take my boot off. If I wasn't such a weak bitch, I'd kick him right between his legs. Instead, I just let him tie me up like some fucking deviant.

"Look at me."

My eyes burn back at him.

"Yeah. I fucking like that. In fact, that's the look I want when you're hate fucking the shit out of me."

While he's been sidetracked playing king dick, I finally free myself from the leather restraint. I mount him, shoving the leather in his mouth and wrapping it around his head like a bar gag. "Now it's my turn to hear you muffle over something, bitch!"

He tosses his head back and laughs against the restraint. His finger tugs the leather from his mouth. "Surely you want my mouth for _other_ things." He drags his knuckle between my legs.

I let out a frustrated groan, pressing my knee to his shoulder.

His hands trail up the back of my beauties all the way to my ass before his fingers grip it tightly and I'm moved right over this fucker's mouth. He runs his tongue lightly against the material.

"Fuck," I moan, ready to rip them open so he can go the fuck to town.

He flicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth in disapproval, shaking his head side to side. "Don't you fucking dare rip that perfect new skin of yours."

"But-"

"I said no!"

I moan again when his mouth returns.

"Better."

His husky voice feels good, among other things. I grab the sides of his well-groomed hair as I brace myself for this ride thankful these beauties are fishnet. I fucking love this, wishing I wasn't so stubborn. I would have greeted him every day like this had I had known that his mouth was this good. He's right. It can be used for other things besides all the hot air that comes from it. "Shit!"

"Bed."

What? Now? "No, no, no." I try and guide his head back between my legs.

" **Now**."

Dammit! I scoot back some on his bed as he drops his shirt to the floor.

"You sure you want my big hairy body seizuring on top of you?"

"Fuck yes." I start to rip a hole in my beauties but he stills my hand.

"What did I fucking tell you? Those are **mine** , and you will **not** put a hole in them."

"But how will we-"

"Control, right? That's why you want them on? RM, you're in control of everything. If you don't like something I'm doing, tell me to stop."

I'm not sure what he means and try to rip them again.

He moves my arms above my head, pinning them against the bed as he presses his knee to it. "No." He licks up my neck before sinking his teeth in my skin.

Fuck, I want him to lick every part of my body starting back between my legs. My fingers trace up the definition of his arms and up over well rounded muscle. Another sharp bite to my neck makes me moan his name. The more he works his way down, the more it starts to make me uneasy until I feel that dreaded tug on my beauties. "Negan, no. My hip scars. Please, let me rip them."

"I don't want you to rip a hole in these because there's no need to. No man will ever force himself on you again, RM. I promise." The sheet is moved over close to me.

I know what he's doing. It's not meant to cover me up, it's meant to comfort me.

His fingers settle against my hips. "You can trust me, and you know I'll stop if you want." He slowly starts to ease my beauties off, using the material to arouse my skin. It's almost like a metaphor for taking my innocence. Something sacred I can offer him, and only him. It's not even something I allowed Madsen. The fabric comes down my ankles and over my feet. I curl my fingers nervously around the sheet as I lay vulnerable before this man.

Negan takes my foot, pressing his lips to the top as he works his other hand up and down on himself.

I'll never understand his fetish for feet but I really don't care what he does to me at this point. It all feels so fucking good. I dip my fingers between my legs and start to pleasure myself, too.

His eyes widen as he stills his hand. "Fucking shit, yes!"

I want his attention there so he'll bring his lips back and I can find my release that way.

"Yeah, finger that tight little cunt!" He yanks me by the hips to the edge of the bed and gets to his knees.

I moan so fucking loud when he starts helping me until it becomes too much for him and he shoves my hand away. My feet settle against the hard contours of his shoulders, courtesy of Lucille. Fuck, his mouth, yes! I'm almost embarrassed of the faces I'm making which he keeps watch over. These corrupt eyes staring back as he snickers against my heat every now and then. It startles me when he slides me up the bed.

"Fuck, I can't take this shit anymore." He stretches over me, wiping my arousal off his chin with the crook of his elbow.

My eyes roll back in my head as he runs his length between my legs, teasing my most sensitive area.

He reclaims my lips so hard our teeth clank together.

"Sir, we've got a problem," Seth shouts, knocking violently on the door.

Negan pulls away from my lips, lowering his face into the crook of my neck. "Fuck! Are you fucking kidding me with this? I'm going to kill him."

"No! Don't kill him!"

"Goddammit," he yells, punching one of the wooden bedposts. He gets his pants up, zipping them before ripping the door practically off the hinges. " **What**?! And this motherfucking better be life or motherfucking death."

I cover myself with the sheet, trying to listen to what Seth is saying.

Negan puts his hand on the wall, setting his forehead against his arm. "Fuck. Gather everyone up." The door is shut, but not before he lets out a heavy sigh.

"You're leaving?"

"I have to."

I sit up from the bed. "You can fuck me real quick if you wanna."

He leans down, pressing his lips to mine. "No, I'll be back."

"Okay," I flush.

Negan helps me back into my stockings. "Every fucking time," he sighs, picking up his shirt.

"Wait!" I hop down from the bed, wrapping my arms around his torso. "Please don't leave. I have a bad feeling."

"My men need me, RM."

"But, I need you!"

"I will be right back. Let me find out what's going on."

"No," I whimper. "Do you swear you'll come back?"

He runs his fingers along my chin. "I promise."

I find myself jealous that Lucille gets to go with him. I follow him through the parlor, and down the first set of steps. Even though I'm three steps higher, he's still taller. "When you leave Sanctuary are you going to harm someone?"

"…yes."

"There's gotta be another way."

"This is the only way, RM."

"Please," I beg, tearing up.

He grazes my cheek as if he expects tears.

Maybe I should have cried just to show him how strongly I feel about it. I don't understand it. The dead are trying to kill us, but we have to fight each other too? Though I guess to be fair there was killing long before the dead came.

"Go wait for me, okay?"

"Right here."

"No, inside. Why don't you clean up the parlor a bit?"

"It's not messy."

"It's a little crowded."

"You want me to tell your wives to leave?"

"Yeah. I'm your property now, right?"

He knows I've relished the day I could kick out dumb and dumber. "Yes," I smile. "Mine."

"Maybe you could get rid of those cigarettes while you're at it. You know, for me?"

"I will for you." I clench his hand tighter. The last time I felt this unnerved was the night Madsen told me to go to sleep. That everything would be fine.

 _Don't worry about me, RM._

Then Madsen was gone. I stare back at Negan briefly. "Promise me."

"I promise." He leans in for a kiss that I deny.

"For when you come back."

"Alright, bitch."

"Be careful, dumpy."

He grabs my tit real quick before hurrying out.

I can't help but laugh. Oh! Speaking of tits. I moonwalk back into the parlor. "You can't stay, you got to go," I sing at them. Now, granted I didn't expect them to take me seriously, especially wearing a pair of beauties and nothing else while singing in a manner that can only be described as someone who is tone deaf. "Negan said to get the fuck out, or you fucking fuckers are fucking fucked!" Yeah, that got their attention. "Bye, sluts!" I stroll back into his bedroom, slamming the door.

* * *

After the second day, I'm going insane. I've never been so worried in all my life. My stomach hurts, churning as if there's something inside. Until the door is swung open. "Thank fuck," I whine, hurrying off my pallet and around the bed. Except… it's several of his men. This is the only time I've felt ashamed of being naked. I move behind one of the large wooden posts on his bed. "Where's Negan?"

"Dead."

Dead? Negan's dead? He promised me! "What?! You're lying!"

"We watched it happen. They slit his throat wide open. The Saviors are under-"

I can't catch my breath as things start to close in. "He promised me!" I told him not to fucking leave me. That I had a bad feeling! I can't do this again. Madsen damn near broke me, and now Negan? This isn't fucking happening! I refuse to fucking believe it. "Where's Negan?!"

"You're the druggie wife, aren't you?"

"Leave right now," I order them. "Negan will return soon and he'll fuck you up if he finds you in here!"

"This is the one, boys. I'm sure of it."

"Get your hands off me," I yell. "No! Stop! Stop touching me!" They extend my arm out some but I try my best to fight them off. There's just too many of them. "I don't do drugs anymore!" I'm struck twice in the head as it disorients me enough to where they can get the needle in my arm without me struggling. "…stop," I beg them. "Negan, help!"

"Negan, help," some of them mock.

These beauties are ripped from me by three different men.

"Lock her up in the basement after you take turns on her."

"Negan," I whimper, reaching for the torn fabric as I fade out of consciousness.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N Please read! In the beginning of this chapter, RM will describe the horrors of being held captive which might be difficult to read. This fic is now completely AU, and two years have passed. This chapter is also a little different because its purpose is to wrap up everything from the last one, and set up the tone for the next one. I know it's brief, but the next chapter will be about 20k words so think of this one as a teaser! Think of it more like a progress report to know how RM is because I hate the way I ended the last chapter.** **Thank you for all the reviews and kind words about this story. I always appreciate it when you all take the time to review. It means a lot to me.**

* * *

 _ **Filipendulous**_ _(adj.) hanging by a thread_

* * *

I hide in the corner of this basement cell when two Saviors walk inside. It's not that I'm scared of them. They're removing a woman that's been dead for the last few days. I pinch my nose from the stench of her bloated body. I've seen so many girls die. I keep track by making little crosses from old chicken bones and string from my blanket. She'll make eighteen. Dumb and dumber were among two of the eighteen. As much as we didn't get along, it sadden me to watch them drug out this same way. I squint my eyes when a flashlight is pointed my way. Then it's moved to another girl in the cell, continuing down the line. They're doing inventory on us. There's three of us now in this cell that's not much bigger than a moonshine shed. I'm just grateful we have a working toilet so I don't have to shit in a bucket. Though, truthfully, I know I don't have much time left. I'm so fucking weak and ill right now. The door shuts and it's nothing but darkness again. That night, the third girl passes away from a violent overdose and the other girl that's left takes her own life by drowning herself in the toilet. I had thought about doing that so many times, but I promised Morgan that all life is precious. I'm getting behind on my crosses. I cover them both with their blankets. It exhausts me just by moving that little bit and I lose consciousness. When I finally come around, I hear voices outside the thick steel door.

"I think Simon is onto us."

Simon took leadership of the Saviors after Negan died. I fantasized every day about that door opening and him rescuing me from this hell. I shudder to think what Simon would do to these men's testicles if he found out what they were doing to us.

"We need to get them out of that cell before he finds out."

If only my two cell mates could have held on a little longer.

"This one is the only one that's alive."

You'd think after two goddamn years of this motherfucker emptying into me that he could learn my fucking name. I'd flip him off if I had the strength to lift my arm.

"Leave her body on the side of the road after you have your way with her. Make sure no one sees you."

'The road' is something I hear frequently. I guess it's where they take all the bodies. Maybe my condition freaked this guy out, but he didn't have his way with me. The bed of the truck is filthy and I'm not sure if it's animal or human blood. Apparently, he already thinks I'm dead because I'm flung from the back of the truck like lumber, hitting the pavement hard. I watch the bright tail lights fade into the distance. After two years, this goddamn nightmare is over. I wish I could roll over so I could watch the sun rise before I take my worthless final breath, but I'll have to settle for the warmth on my back. It's fine with me. At least I'm not dying in that dank fucking basement. I shut my heavy eyes, ready to meet my maker. I'll get to see Madsen again. God, I miss that fucker. Finally. Fuck this world.

* * *

"RM, wake up!"

No... No! No, why am I still here?! Get your fucking hands off me. Stop touching me. Oh, Christ. Is it the Saviors? Have they come back for me? He's hurting me slung over his shoulder like this. My tiny fists beat against his back, though I'm so weak, I'm sure he doesn't even feel it. The door latching closed is the last thing I remember that day.

* * *

I choke on water, snapping my eyes open. Oh, god, not that water torture again. Or is it? No. No, I'm on a couch covered up with... a curtain?

"RM!"

My eyes trail up worn leather to my caretaker's face. What the fuck? He… how is he alive?! Oh, did I die, too?

"You promised me, RM, yet I find you on the side of the fucking road with tracks in your goddamn arm," Negan scolds.

What good will come of me telling him this wasn't my choice? Or what those Saviors did to me? How his rules didn't mean fuck all when he wasn't there to enforce them.

Negan brings the water bottle back up for me to take a sip.

"Fuck you, you had no right to save me! Now leave me to die in peace."

"I'm going to assume that's the drugs talking because my RM wouldn't give up like some pussy."

"I belong to no man, and I sure as fuck don't belong to you. **You abandoned me**!"

He yanks open his jacket. "I had no fucking choices!"

It looks to be some type of prison uniform. "Are you fucking with me? Apocalypse jail?" My eyes trail down his legs. He doesn't have any shoes on. Truthfully, he doesn't even look like himself with that long hair and beard.

"Drink."

I just pretend to pass out again so he'll leave me the fuck alone.

* * *

Goddammit! I wake up drenched in sweat. I'm so fucking cold. This place has got to have something.

Negan is passed out in the recliner, one foot sprawled out on the broken coffee table.

Stay asleep, motherfucker. I shake my head at the curtain, discarding it to the side. He would cover me up with a curtain. Idiot. I need something, and I need it right fucking now. I'd rip my own skin off and snort it if it got me high. The bathroom proves to be a fucking gold mine. I spin the cap off the hand sanitizer, squeezing it into the little bit of mouth wash, then start chugging this bitch. I don't miss this taste. Fuck. I dry heave before taking another chug.

"What the fuck?!"

Even I know how stupid it is to drink this shit, but I don't fucking care. And now I have him shouting at me. "No," I scream, struggling to fight for the bottle.

He pries it from my hands, then pours it down the drain.

"What are you doing, no, stop!" Negan restrains me when I try to lap what I can from the grimy sink. "I fucking hate you!"

"You'll get over it when you aren't high as a goddamn kite." He takes the phone cord and binds it around my wrist several times, then secures the cord to one of his pants loops.

Stupid fuck! The fabric on those prison issued slacks are thin. I use all my strength to get free, but fall on my ass. When I try again, he hits me on the side of the head and it's lights fucking out.

...

"Oh fuck," I whine, hurrying for the bathroom only to be yanked backwards. "I gotta use the shitter! Let me go!"

"That's what you fucking get for drinking soap, you dumb fuck!" He doesn't untie me. Instead, follows me into the goddamn bathroom.

"You're going to stay here while I shit?"

"Sure am. You've lost your bathroom privileges. Do you have any idea how resourceful hand sanitizer is? Yet you're pissing it away."

I let out a grunt. "You mean shitting it away?"

"I'm losing my patience with you!"

"Come on, man, that was funny and you know it!" I sigh and stoop over some on the toilet. "Can I have some privacy, or are you gonna make me shit in front of you?"

He unties my wrists, then unbuttons that god awful muted blue long sleeved prison shirt he's wearing and hands it to me like he expects me to gain my dignity back or something.

Fuck, I thought he was going to leave that phone cord, but at least I have my privacy now. I test the integrity of this shirt, and start making a noose with it securing one end to the shower rod, then the other over my head. "I'm sorry, Morgan." When I hop from the bathtub ledge, the entire goddamn bar comes down out of the wall. "Ow, fuck," I yell, falling face first into the bathtub. Shit, I think I chipped a tooth.

"You can't be fucking serious right now. What kind of an idiot tries to hang themselves on a plastic shower rod, RM!?"

I spit blood at him with a sneer. "I'll admit I didn't think that one through."

"That's what drugs fucking do! Open your mouth." He tilts my head side to side. "You bit your tongue when you landed."

"I can't do this again!"

"So you thought this was the way? You, of all people, thought that ending your life was the right way to do things-"

"This is your fault! If you hadn't left… if you hadn't gone after I fucking begged you." I shove him back some. "You promised," I yell. "You told me if I didn't rip a hole in those beauties that I'd be... that no one would..." Fuck this. I'm not crying over this bullshit like some broke bitch. The past is the past. "Leave me the fuck alone." I spit blood at him before moving his shirt into him and walking out.

* * *

Negan wasn't here this morning when I woke up. Guess I got what I wanted. I hate coming down off this shit. My head hurts so bad, and all I want to fucking do is sleep. Hmm, maybe some food would help because I really don't remember the last time I had anything to eat. I drop the curtain to the ground and rummage through the cabinets. Well, of course everything has been picked clean. There's some baking soda though. I sprinkle it on this tooth brush and do what I can. Ah, much better. Clothing... clothing... shit. Hold the fucking phone. Yes! They're children's jeans, but I'll fix that real quick. God, this place looks so familiar. Like I've been here before. Maybe it's some kind of drunk recollection. I sit on the floor with these jeans and cut them into shorts.

The door busts open and a bloody deer is slung on the floor. "Dinner," Negan huffs, making a b-line for the restroom.

Pfff, I know he ain't expecting me to make the shit. The only thing I've ever cooked was meth, and I singed my fucking eyebrows off doing it. I hold my new shorts up, feeling accomplished. Fuck yeah! I'm not graceful putting them on, and take the small end table with me.

"I didn't know underwear came in denim."

"As long as my hip scars are covered up, that's all I care about." I need to find a shirt.

"Look at you, a modern white trash Martha Stewart," Negan comments, when he sees me trying to rip parts of this curtain up. "By the way, I blew my load in that so you probably don't want to use it as a shirt."

That's why it's stiff. I sigh so fucking annoyed right now.

He takes off his jacket and covers me in it.

I look my new temporary piece of clothing over. "Thanks. This is real decent of you."

"Just so we're square, I love that fucking jacket so it's only until you find a shirt."

"I get it. I'm expendable, it's not."

"No, RM. I don't let just **anyone** use the fucking thing."

"Why don't you just come out and say what you mean, then?"

He lets out a grunt, and grabs this deer by its hind legs, hauling it to the kitchen.

I follow after him, but feel like I'm dragging another one of me with this heavy ass jacket. "Wait," I panic before he sticks his knife in the deer's stomach. "Okay, now go," I tell him, covering the deer's eyes.

"Are you fucking with me right now? The damn thing is dead."

"Show some fucking respect. This deer gave its life for us."

"Respect," he mutters.

...

Dinner was awkward. Silent. Cold. It reminded me of the time that Madsen and I got into that fight and he threw me out of his house.

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?"

Besides the obvious distance, you dumb bastard? "It's just... I know it's you, but it doesn't look like you."

"Believe me, it's not by choice. This beard itches like a motherfucker."

"Look, I ain't no fucking barber, but Madie didn't like to be touched so he cut his own hair and I'd trim up the back part. I can help you out if you want since you two have the same hair, but don't fucking bitch if I fuck it up."

"I hardly doubt there is anything you can do to make this worse."

I almost **want** to fuck it up. "I can't cut your hair on the couch, you're too tall. Sit on the floor." Even then the giant fuck comes up to my chin.

"Well, aren't you going to ask me all the annoying questions that come with getting a haircut?"

"How did you end up in jail?"

Mr. aren't you going to ask me annoying questions sure shut the hell up after that. There's this boyish look about him right now. A sadness to his rounded eyes.

"What is it, Negan?"

He waits until I'm done with his hair to even acknowledge me and I still have to coax it out of him. "I thought about what you said before I left the parlor that night. About how there had to be another way other than the killing."

"You thought about what I said?" It chokes me up. If he only knew how I felt that night.

"Yeah. So I tried to reason with this guy. I thought our communities could come together. He took it as weakness, and slit my damn throat open. The next thing I knew, I woke up handcuffed to a fucking gurney."

That explains the faint but visible scar on his throat.

"Dwight fucking gave me up. He'd been going behind my back and working out deals with the other communities for months."

 _Let him be angry. Soon, none of that will matter._

I goddamn knew that was a threat. "Snake," I murmur. I can't believe what I'm hearing. "Simon took leadership over the Saviors after we were told you died. Does that mean he was in on it, too?"

"No. Dwight probably couldn't hack it after the first fucking day."

I'm relieved to hear that Simon isn't in this conspiracy against Negan.

Negan wraps his arms around my torso, yanking me against him.

I know he won't say it, but this is his way of letting me know he missed me.

"Why did you fucking relapse, RM? I was so proud of you knowing how hard you worked. Why couldn't you be strong on your own without me?"

"I am strong," I yell.

"No. You're not. I bet it only took a few days before you were back on this shit. I don't even want to know how you got the drugs."

"You don't know what it was like without you!"

"Fucking whine to someone else, fucking whore," he screams, slamming the front door behind him.

"Fuck you," I retort as if he can hear me behind the closed door. That's not what fucking happened! I didn't choose to end up back on the drugs. If he knew what those Saviors did to me, it would crush him. Here I'm trying to protect him, and I'm disrespected like this. I'm so fucking stupid for ever seeing something in Negan.

* * *

The previous occupant still had a decent sized bar of soap and some shampoo left. I'd like to clean the filth off myself, so I put everything into a small towel and make a satchel before setting out to find some type of pond or stream. There ends up being one a mile from the house. "Ouch," I frown, when a broken beer bottle cuts my foot open. It reminds me when I'd live at home. My feet always hurt. I wasn't allowed shoes because Mama said they cost too much. Madsen bought me my first pair of DM's. I'll never forget his generosity that day in the thrift store. I stop before making it to the pond. Fuck. My eyes are sweaty. I miss him so goddamn much. He'd believe me that it wasn't my choice to go back on the drugs.

"Let me see," Negan says.

"Go fucking fuck your-motherfucking-fucking-self!"

"RM-"

"No! Look, we don't owe each other anything anymore. I can survive on my own just fine. Just cut our losses, and both go our separate ways."

"I don't want that."

"Bullshit. Call me a whore and now you're concerned about my foot? About me?"

Negan isn't backing down and follows me to the pond. "Can I have some?"

I fling the shampoo bottle purposely at his head. What a shame I miss it.

"Do you want some help?"

"I don't want anything from you," I snap, jumping into the pond. I'm so fucking angry, I don't even realize this isn't some shallow body of water. My feet don't touch the ground and I start to panic. I can't fucking swim! I try everything to come to the surface, but it's just out of my reach. That's when I feel his hand tighten around my wrist and I'm pulled from the water. I gasp for a breath, coughing and choking.

"Fuck, are you okay?"

I shake my head yes while trying to suck in another breath.

He wipes my face, taking me to the shallow end.

"Thank you."

"Fuck," he sighs relieved. He's just staring at me while I bathe, and not for the reasons you'd think. "I thought about you every fucking day I was away from you."

Yes, I still have feelings for Negan but we've lost so much time. And, I'm not alright after what those Saviors did to me. I've been in a lot of fucked up situations, but just made the best of it so maybe it's not even what they did to me. It's that Negan doesn't believe it wasn't my choice to go back on the drugs. He should take my word. Have a little bit of trust.

"Guess that feeling isn't mutual."

I'm not trying to hurt him. God, that's the last thing I want. I just don't know if I can look past him calling me a whore. Especially for someone who gets so angry when others do it, yet it's okay for him to.

"Is there something you're not telling me?"

I know he'll eventually figure out what those men did, but I'm going to avoid that conversation as long as I can.

* * *

My whole plan to go our separate ways failed miserably. Negan chases me around like a trash squirrel. "Keep up, or I'll leave you behind," I yell back at him.

"Slow down. I don't have any shoes on."

Well, neither do I.

"Do you even know where we are?"

Yes. Some place I never thought I'd see again. A place I don't know if I'm ready to see again. I flip on the light switch out of habit. "The couch pulls out. It's big enough for even you."

"This your mom's place?"

"No," I scoff. This place is a castle compared to Mama's. As Negan starts to have a seat in the recliner, I lose it. "Did I say the fucking recliner?"

"Calm down, Jesus Christ." He has a seat on the couch instead. "Wow, this is pretty neat," he comments on the built up wax from an old candle stand.

"Don't touch it before you break a piece of it off. That thing took a long time to-" I leave the living room before I start to cry. I'm not even in control of my own emotions anymore. Seriously? Leave before I cry? I knew this was a goddamn fucking bad idea to come here. In the hallway closet I retrieve an old pair of black harness motorcycle boots. "Here," I tell Negan, handing the boots over.

"I hardly doubt these will fit."

"They're a size sixteen. They'll fit." I also chuck a tube of waterproofing wax on the couch next to him. "Please keep them nice."

"This is Madsen's place," he says as I start back for the bedroom. "RM, wait. I know this is hard for you-"

"You don't know fuck all! Stay the fuck off his recliner, and keep your hands off his things." I hurry to Madsen's room and lock his door behind me. "You left me, Madie," I whine. The window is broken as the curtain flaps in the cool breeze. I thought coming back to his house would be cathartic for me but it angers me because someone has looted the things I wanted. The jumpsuits and ratted boots from the thiefs are still in a pile by his closet. Madsen was very meticulous with the way he organized his clothing. There's two pairs of jeans, and four shirts that have been taken from his closet. Even worse, they took my favorite fucking dark washed long sleeved work shirt of his and his best pair of black Red Wing boots. I dig through his end table, but can't find his sketch books. "Goddammit," I snap, forcing the drawer shut. I ease myself down on his bed. All I found was an empty can of Suavecito. The pomade residue on the side still brings tears to my eyes. That fucking scent. I tuck myself away in this giant bed.

 _If something ever happens to me, you stay close to Charlie. He will always protect you, RM._

It's like he knew our time was up. If only I hadn't had been so selfish, maybe I wouldn't be clinging to his pillow right now. That night I pray to anyone that will listen. Pray that I'd wake up from this fucking nightmare and be back with my Madie. I'd treat him so fucking good, he'd know how much he means to me. Just one more chance to make things right.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N Please read! I know it's a long note, but it's important. This is a flash back chapter. It will take place right after RM turns 19. I know it's been a while since I've updated so grab your Cheetos because this chapter is 24k words. Something of note because I try to make everything as accurate as possible however, Madsen's gun isn't. (no, that's not an innuendo, heh) Because of the gun's size, the Desert Eagle is not easily concealed like I make it. I chose the gun for Madsen because he is supposed to be massive and not that much smaller than Negan. Another thing that isn't realistic is Chonsey. (Pronounced Chaun-see) You might remember that name from previous chapters. RM makes the comment that the only thing she might care for more than her beauties would be Chonsey. You're going to recognize a lot of the dialogue from the story because I've pulled it from this chapter. This chapter is actually bitter sweet, because I really enjoyed writing it and now it's over, lol. There's all the OC's pictures on my profile if you want to get an idea of what they look like before you start reading. Just as a warning, they'll be a lot of drug use and sensitive subjects in this one. There's also some pretty detailed smut if you dislike that kind of thang.**

* * *

 _ **Hiraeth**_ _(n.) A homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past._

* * *

"Oh, yeah, so close! Oh! Fuck yes! Yes! Oh, god, Madie!"

Madsen takes a long drag on his cigarette, exhaling slowly before bending over and retrieving my Cheetos. "I told you, RM. If you put money in you'll get something out every time. That's how vending machines work."

"Gimmie!" I jump, snatching them from his hands with a giggle.

Madsen reaches behind his back under his shirt to get his gun when we hear someone come up behind us.

I clench my teeth tight, praying for the poor soul.

"You take care of it?"

My eyes sink at the conversation. I already know Cheeto's response to Madsen. _It's handled_.

"It's handled."

I'm not hungry anymore. Guess it's for the best, I don't even have my gloves. My eyes follow the blood running down the tarp in Cheeto's hand as it drips onto the grass.

Cheeto loads it up in the back of his truck, followed by a shovel, and something else they put on the bodies to help them decompose.

Madsen pays off Sheriff Phil for closing the rest stop while Cheeto buried that body.

"Pleasure, gentleman." Phil's twisted smile is already turned upward.

I've always hated Phil. He tried to take me from Madsen when I was a little girl. He's a fucking coward.

Cheeto opens the passenger door. "Come on, kiddo. I'll let you pick the radio station."

"Oh, yes!"

That means the rap station, which Madsen hates. "Christ, help us." What Madsen says fucking goes, but in Cheeto's truck you don't smoke.

Cheeto uses his index knuckle to knock on the back window. "Ash that shit and let's fuckin' go, Mad."

...

Since I've been with Madsen, dinner at the diner a few blocks from the shop wraps up the day. Along with that tradition comes routine.

Madsen always orders the T-bone, rare. Six strips of bacon, fried potatoes and onions, followed by a slice of blueberry pie.

I push my crumbs around on my plate to make it look like I ate some, but there's no fooling him.

"Charlie, go finish that smoke outside. I want to talk to RM." Like everyone in Madsen's world, there's no objection from Cheeto and he's quick to obey Madsen. "Baby, what's wrong?"

"I'm not your baby!"

"Talk to me."

"I don't want to go with you on these little disposal trips. It fucks my stomach up. It's not right, Madie."

"I worry about your safety. Some of these men we put in the ground are dangerous, and this one will have repercussions for it. It's best you're with me until this boils over so I can keep you safe."

"Boils over? You mean until Cheeto sniffs the rest of them out and Dominic rips their still beating heart out?"

"Yes."

"I hate when you harm people."

"I know you do, and I'm sorry that I can't be a better man for you."

"I want you, just not this side of you."

Madsen exhales heavily, twisting his cigarette out between his fingers. He only does that when he's hurt.

"I'm not trying to upset you, Madie."

He tosses several pieces of paper money on the table before rising from the booth. His broad shoulders roll once to work out the stiffness in his muscles.

Goddammit. I huff in defeat, sliding from the booth. I'm so concerned with wallowing in my own self-pity that I don't even notice he's not behind me once outside. "The hell?" When I step back in, he's preoccupied by these rows of glass boxes. Inside are prizes that you can get.

He sifts through the change in his callous palm, plucking out two quarters and loading them into the machine. A displeased grunt follows each toy that comes from the machine and they're chucked in the trash can beside the door until finally the corner of his lip tugs upward. As he returns to his full dominating height, there's still that boyish way about him from his winnings.

I gasp when a miniature alien toy is handed over to me. "Madie," I squeal. My fingers coil around the plastic novelty as my eyes well up. "I'm sorry."

His knuckles trail down my cheek. "I know you are, RM."

I fucking melt inside when he flashes me a mouthful of teeth. I've never wanted him more than this moment. "Will you forgive me?"

"I want you to have your own opinion. Even if it conflicts with mine. I know I've faltered you, and it upsets me because you don't need another disappointing man in your life."

"You're perfect in my eyes."

"I am far from it." He opens the door for me, then helps me on his motorcycle before he goes over to Cheeto.

I look down at my alien toy and giggle. It's so fucking cute. All is forgiven, and I'm a happy motherfucker.

* * *

Cheeto takes another large gulp from his flask, missing his inner pocket entirely when he tries to put it back. He's really fucked up today. "You, uh…" He hiccups, followed by a long sigh.

I walk over to Madsen's desk where he's sitting and turn the books around. "Give me your marker so I can do them."

"…thanks, kiddo. I'm just… gonna rest my eyes."

Yeah, right. He means pass the fuck out in that chair. Hopefully he doesn't choke on his vomit again. That was scary last time. These books are a mess, and there's twenty-five hundred dollars missing by the time I'm finished.

"Charlie, I need you to-" Madsen pauses as his eyes shift between me, the books, then Cheeto.

Oh, damn.

"Listen to me," Madsen starts, "go in the shop and turn on the radio. Do your moonwalk."

Normally I'd never pass up the chance to motherfucking moonwalk but I wanna see this! Madsen is fucking livid. God, the veins in his neck right now. Fucking fuck me with some of that aggression. Once I flip on the radio in the shop, I hurry around the side door to the front window.

Madsen hits Cheeto over the back of his head with the book before grabbing him by the jaw. "Are you out of your mind?! Having her help you? Jesus Christ, if they ever raided this place and found out she was an accomplice to this she'd be doing time, too. Go sober up, **now** ," he growls.

I don't know whether to be turned on or petrified.

"Boo!"

I jump startled at Dominic. "Jesus fucking Christ you scared me."

"What are you doing?"

"Cheeto is getting fucked up one side and down the other. I was being nosy."

"Yeah, right. You were probably about to part the pink sea. I could see your fat chubby from the road when I pulled up."

"You're damn right about that. My stockings are drenched."

"Goddamn, that's hot. Mad put out yet?"

I heave a heavy sigh and push myself from the window. "No. I'm starting to think he's gay."

Dominic chuckles. "Mad ain't gay. Far from it."

"How do you know? Maybe you two are fucking each other for all I know."

"In your filthy fucking dreams."

God, that'd be so hot.

"I was fucking around with this girl who wanted to try pegging. That's when a girl wears a strap on and fucks the guy. She put that son of a bitch up my ass and it felt like someone lit my pudding cannon on fire. I got to the floor and started scooting across that motherfucker like a dog trying to itch its ass on the carpet. So, no. I ain't down with that."

I laugh so fucking hard I almost puke.

"Look, I've known Madsen for a long fucking time. He's just being cautious. Don't get down about yourself because you're a real pretty girl, RM."

"Thanks, dingus."

Dominic pulls me into a hug.

"Gross! What are you doing with your body?"

He lets out a snicker.

Madsen clears his throat.

Oh, shit. Busted.

"Here's the mail," Dominic tells Madsen before heading in the shop.

"Sorry," I flush.

"RM, when I tell you to do something you do it."

"Excuse me? When you **tell** me to do something? Oh, no, man. That ain't how shit works."

His mouth sets in a hard line as the muscle in his jaw tightens. "Language, RM."

"My language is American."

"English."

"What-fucking-ever!"

"That is the one thing I've repeatedly told you not to use around me."

"Kinda like how I've asked you to fuck me and you-"

"That's enough! March yourself inside that office now."

I stamp my foot and let out a pout. This is going to be the longest day of my life.

...

Specs comes running in Madsen's trailer and trips over Dominic passed out on the floor. His glasses fly off, but he doesn't care. "I won Burning Man tickets!" He shakes the papers in his hand. "A six pack!"

"No goddamn way am I going out in the desert," Cheeto mumbles.

"What's Burning Man," I ask.

"Wait a minute," Madsen starts, "do you know how much we could move at Burning Man?"

"What's Burning Man?"

"How much?"

"What's Burning Man?"

"All of it. All of it, Charlie."

"What's Burning Man?"

"All of it?" Cheeto sits up from his slump.

"What's Burning Man? What's Burning Man? What's Burning Man? What's Burning Man!"

"Jesus fucking Christ, someone answer her goddamn fucking question," Dominic yells.

Madsen kicks him in the side. "Do **not** raise your voice to her. **Ever**."

"R- RM, it's fucking incredible," Specs smiles. "Anything you can imagine. Art. Dancing. Music. Fire. Lights. It's a week-long festival in the desert. You'll love it. They even have this giant metal UFO."

"UFO," I beam.

"Don't forget all the sex and drugs," Dominic simpers.

"That's not what it's about," Specs corrects him.

"Yeah, come to think of it you wouldn't know pussy if it sat on your face. Even with the size of those fucking glasses."

"Be fucking nice," I growl at Dominic.

"I'm just saying. How does he expect to get any pink sink when-"

"Get out," I yell at him.

"Mad, help me out here," Dominic pleas.

"You talk to her."

"No, I'll go," Specs says.

"No, you'll stay." I frown when I see how hurt Specs is. His eyes already overflowing with tears. "I said get the fuck out of Madsen's house and I fucking mean it, Dominic."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Since when did everyone get so goddamn bent out of shape about everything. Maybe he does know pussy since that's what he's being-"

"Dominic, you won't like it if I get involved," Madsen snaps.

I follow Dominic outside because I'm pissed.

"Are you crying? I've never seen you cry."

"I'm not crying! My eyes are just sweaty. You really piss me the fuck off."

"I'm just teasing Specs, RM."

"It's not fucking funny. You're being fucking ugly and if you don't stop, we're going to have problems."

"Guess I gotta be nice if I want that ticket, huh?"

"You gotta be nice if you don't want Madsen's size sixteen boot up your leather cheerio."

"That too."

"Get in that trailer and fucking apologize to him, and he better be smiling before he leaves."

Dominic huffs, not liking the fact he's about to have to swallow his dumb pride. "I'm sorry, four eyes."

I pinch the back of Dominic's arm.

"Ow, alright! Specs, I'm sorry. Come on. I'll take you home."

"Bye, RM," Specs reddens, before hurrying out of the trailer.

I peek out the window to make sure that Dominic doesn't try to pull any shit, but he fucking behaves. For his own safety.

"Get this fuckin' thing off me," Cheeto panics.

I roll my eyes. "Chonsey isn't even on you."

"That fuckin' tarantula is close enough."

I scoop up Chonsey before Cheeto's drunk ass steps on him by accident.

"It should be in a cage is all I'm sayin'."

"You don't put spiders in a cage."

Cheeto shudders before taking off for the night.

Madsen lights his cigarette, turning his attention my way. "Why don't you and Chonsey come sit in my lap, RM?"

"Yeah? This another one of those things that I have to obey you on?"

"Come here."

I sigh, dragging my feet until I get to him.

"Sit."

"You're being nasty bossing me around like you fucking own me!"

"RM, if we don't have respect for one another, we have nothing. This isn't a patriarchy. We are both equal."

"What does patchry mean?" I climb up on his lap.

"Patriarchy. It's a social system where men hold power over the women. The reason I asked you to leave the shop was so you wouldn't be a witness to me losing my temper, not so I could boss you around as you put it. I didn't have the time to explain to you why you should leave. It was a situation where I needed you to respect my decision as your partner and listen to what I'm telling you. I would never dictate your actions other than when it comes to your safety or well-being."

"Shit. I fucked up… huh?"

Even Chonsey knows I fucked up.

"This isn't about right or wrong. Alright?"

"Alright," I smile.

"Besides," smoke rolls from his mouth, "we both know where I stand in this relationship. I'm **your** property."

"Damn right!"

"Now put your feet up here and I'll rub them so we can put this behind us."

Oh, yes! "That feels good," I giggle.

"These are starting to rip. I'll take you this weekend to get another pair."

"Okay, Madie." Hopefully they have my size. I hate being so little.

* * *

"What about that store, Madie?"

"Err… no," he flushes.

"But they have soft legs. I see them in the window!"

"RM, that store is inappropriate for a man my age."

"Because of the panties in the window?"

"Yes."

"Please, Madie. They didn't have the ones I like at the thrift store."

"I don't feel comfortable in that store, and you're not going alone."

I slowly start to push up my bottom lip.

"Stop that."

Widen my eyes just a bit more.

"Fine-"

"Yes," I shout.

"RM, in and out. Do you understand me?"

"Uh huh."

Madsen clears his throat, fixing his hair in place before he opens the door for me.

Woah. This place looks like the Velvet Clam. They even have the stripper poles here. This must be where they do all their shopping. "Come on," I tell him.

He shakes his head side to side, ass still against the glass of the door. When I finally get him away from that goddamn door, every place he turns is worse than the one previously until he ends up bumping right into a mannequin wearing a bunch of chains and leather.

"Is there something I can help you-"

"No, we're just leaving," Madsen tells the lady, swiping me by the arm.

"Madie, wait, I want these!"

Madsen fumbles for his wallet, not even paying attention to the amount he pulls from it. He switches the packaged soft legs on the table out for the paper money.

I'm yanked from the store with haste.

Once we're outside, he smokes two cigarettes to calm his nerves. "Not one word from you."

"But-"

"RM!"

"These are the wrong size!" I hold them up so he can see just how huge they are.

"We'll wash them, they'll shrink. Motorcycle, now."

I'd be upset if I didn't find this so goddamn hilarious. His face right now. Guess I'll have to wait for new legs until next weekend.

* * *

Today I found out what jealousy is as I watch this woman bent over Madsen's desk when I finally make it to the shop. Gross, her sweater hams are just spilling right out of her shirt. Madsen pays her no mind, but I can't shake this feeling. I sure the fuck don't dress like that. I'd sit right on Madsen's lap if I knew it wouldn't upset him. Instead, I plop down on the couch.

"I'll make the adjustments and call you."

"Well, I was hoping-"

Madsen ends her attempt to snake her way into his pants and points to the door so she can show herself out. "Dominic," he calls, getting up and going into the garage.

I watch jealously as this dumb sausage hammock makes her way to the front door.

Madsen walks back in only after she's left. "What's wrong, dingus?"

I shrug my shoulders some.

"RM, you know that I have never even looked at another woman-"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Don't belittle my concern. You're worked up enough that you're giving me dirty looks over this."

"You don't understand fuck all because you're not ugly."

"Stop this. Right now. I will not tolerate a jealous woman, do you understand me?"

Oh, no. I'm in trouble. "Yes, Madie," I frown.

"Why do you insist on walking to the shop? Alone." He's even more protective since those men took me. Madsen has a seat on his chair with a tired grunt.

"I missed you. Wanna bend me over your desk and-"

"RM, do **not** talk to me like that."

"Why?"

"It's wrong. You're a child. I'm a grown man."

I place his hand on my hip. "It's okay. I want this." Just like all the other times it's moved away only this time I've had enough. "Tch. I don't know why I waste my time trying to fuck you anyway. You probably can't even get it up."

...

I paced outside Madsen's front door for twenty minutes before I finally went inside. "Hi."

"Where have you been? It's late."

"With Dominic."

His concern fades and now he just looks hurt. "I see…"

"I didn't fuck him."

"You thought about it."

"Yeah, I did. But I also thought about how much you mean to me and I don't want to hurt you. If you're not ready, I'll wait until you are."

"It doesn't work like that."

"Well… well why the fuck not!"

" **Don't** raise your voice to me. It's disrespectful."

"I'm sorry," I whine. "How old do I have to be?"

"The older you get, the older I become."

"How old are you?"

"Old enough to know this is wrong."

"Then we're right back to where we started!" I thrust myself down on the old rug and fold my arms with a pout. We have had this conversation about five hundred times over the last year.

"It feels wrong."

"There's that fucking word again. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. What does that even fucking mean?"

"It means I do not believe you are able to make the choice of who you want to be intimate with for yourself."

"But how is you making that choice for me any different?"

"I don't know the answer to that."

"Wait." I narrow my eyes. "So does that mean I win the argument?"

"I… suppose I just wanted to hear you say something like that. Something would assure me this is what you want."

"Can we fuck now?!"

He lets out a cloud of smoke followed by a laugh.

Oh, fuck me. I love those teeth of his.

"It's time for bed." He's so damn predictable. Even down to his mannerisms. He locks the door behind us, checking it twice before he shuffles to the window. It's interrupted briefly when he straightens out the rug I tripped over and left this morning. He jiggles the lock on the window, then comes all the junk he keeps on him. Desert Eagle on the night stand facing away from us. Keys beside the gun. Wallet in the drawer. Followed by one pair of brass knuckles, older than me might I add. Loose change. A soft pack of Marlboro Reds that he'll shake up and down before discovering his lighter tucked inside. Metal Altoids tin. One greasy ripped receipt with the daily total from the cash drawer at the shop that accompanies a displeased grunt. Usually inaudible. "Mmhm." A pop or two from his joints as he sits, and ends it by one more tired grunt. Then he'll wait patiently for me to come around and remove his boots. Once I'm at his feet, he'll deny my advances. Depending how lewd I get determines his tone for how much trouble I'm in.

I don't even bat an eyelash his way tonight.

He's made it quite clear where he stands on that this evening. He leans over, pressing his hand to the wall when I stand up.

I'm trapped on all sides.

"You are constantly in my thoughts, RM. Thoughts a man my age should not be having. I stare at the books on my desk as all these polluted images force their way in, and I like it because for that moment I allow myself something I know I can never have."

"But I'm always trying to fuck you and you never show me any interest!"

"I'm just better at controlling those urges."

"You make me feel like there's something wrong with me for wanting to fuck you when you're no goddamn better."

"I tried to ignore your advances, but I..." He lowers his arm and his head. "I am failing." His eyes are filled with shame when they're brought back up. "I never looked at you with lust until last summer. I swear to Christ!"

That's when I started to come onto him. I remember that day because we were flirting as we fixed his motorcycle. He kept smearing oil on my cheek and we'd laugh. As he used his rag to wipe my cheek, I couldn't take it anymore and tried to make a move. He laughed it off, but the truth was I was embarrassed. Here was this man that I had actually developed an attachment to. The age card is wore the fuck out. I just see it as an excuse. "I don't care about age-"

"I do!"

His tone surprises me. I've never heard him snap at me. Even with all the stupid shit I've done, Madie would never raise his voice my way but I know he's struggling. I leave his room expecting him to come after me and we'd make up and fuck. Not the case. He's in there with a needle in his neck while mine's in my arm. Only I can't bring myself to do it. This is one problem I don't want drugs to fix. I look up when I hear him sit down in his chair so I set the needle to the side.

"Throw it away." He sets his gun on the table next to him.

Him and that stupid gun. It never leaves his fucking side. He might as well marry the goddamn thing. "I was going to save it for later."

"No. I told you that's dangerous since you have a habit of reusing your needles."

"It's all fucking dangerous, man! You think because I don't reuse my needles there's no chance I might OD? Oh, I forgot, Madsen is fucking above this because he's a careful addict. Give me a goddamn break."

"I want you to be smart about this!"

"Sorry, I must have missed the part where they teach you how to shoot a fucking speedball."

"Your anger is misplaced. Do not turn it on me."

"I just wanna fuck you!"

"That's not going to happen."

"Goddammit," I shout. "This ain't fair!"

"Stop using _ain't_. You know I do not like it when you talk like that."

"Why? You ain't gonna fuck me even if I do stop!"

"Keep it up, RM."

"Or what?" Oh, shit. I seen that look before.

He tilts his head to the side as it pops his neck and his nostrils flair.

"Are you mad," I ask fearful.

 **No response.**

"Madie, I'm sorry," I whine.

 **No response.**

I fucked up big time, now.

Those blue eyes that I like so much burn back at me before narrowing to slits.

I whimper, dropping my head in submission.

"You better pull yourself together, girl. I am too old to play games with you."

"Yes, Madsen."

"This is exactly what I'm talking about when I tell you that you are a child and I am a grown man."

"Well, I'm trying the best I can."

"I know that you have been neglected throughout your life so I try and give you the benefit of the doubt. Trying your best is not the reason why I am upset with you. I am upset because your defense mechanism is retorting with some wisecrack remark. You do not want to go there with me, RM, because I promise you, you **will** lose."

"Alright," I snivel. "There's nothing left of my ass anymore."

"Well," he pauses to light a cigarette, "lucky for you, you've got some to spare."

Oh, thank fuck, he's smiling. "Are you still mad?"

"I said what I had to say."

"Can we go back to talking about my ass then?" The look he gives me would bring me to my fucking knees if I already wasn't there. Just some fuck me grin as he slowly shakes his head side to side.

All the power in the house turns off.

"Great. Did you not pay the bill? Mama was always forgetting to pay-"

"Be quiet. Get as low to the floor as you can."

"But Madi-"

"Do what I tell you!"

The front door is kicked in and something is tossed inside.

Madsen covers me with his body before there's a bright flash that fills the room.

I start to scream except I can't hear anything other than a loud ringing.

Madsen lunges for his gun on the table before he starts firing it at people coming in the front door.

Something is definitely wrong. You never forget the sound of a Desert Eagle firing off. That thing is a hand canon. I'd cover my eyes if I could move but I'm stricken with fear.

At six foot five, two hundred and sixty pounds, Madsen is like a tank charging these men that mean us harm.

My hearing returns to him threatening one of the men.

"You want to shoot at me? Come here. Come here!" Madsen grabs the man by his hair and he's drug outside.

I cover my ears wishing that ringing would come back so I don't have to hear the brutal beating Madsen deals out. My eyes well up when I see one of the men that Madsen shot having some kind of body spasm. That means that man is already dead. When you die, sometimes your muscles cause you to convulse. "Madie," I whine. I stay like this until Sheriff Phil and his men enter the house so they can remove the bodies. These men that attacked us were the ones that Madsen was saying would come for us after they put that last man in the ground.

"Clean up this mess, Phil. I need to check on RM."

"You hit?"

Madsen doesn't respond to his question and hurries back in the trailer. "Are you hurt?"

Now I see what Sheriff Phil was talking about. His shirt is bloody. "You're bleeding, Madie."

"Answer me!"

"No. I'm not hurt."

Madsen checks me over anyway. "I'm sorry to put you through this again. Christ, I hate every time you're a witness to this." He sets me on the kitchen counter before going back into the living room.

My eyes sink. I hate it, too. As long as I'm with Madsen, I know it's never going to change. This is his life, which I'm thankful to be a part of. It just takes a toll on me every time I have to watch someone's brains cleaned off the side of something.

Madsen hands off any more evidence to Sheriff Phil and is assured that everything will be taken care of. As long as Madsen takes care of Phil's pockets, he takes care of Madsen. Who knew something as meaningless as paper could bend someone's morals that easily? Madsen goes in the bathroom for quite some time before returning with some alcohol so he can tend to his wound.

"Does it hurt, Madie?"

"No. It just grazed me." He probably wouldn't be saying that if he didn't just shoot up in the bathroom. His neck is still bloody from the part where he stuck the needle in at.

My eyes widen as he sets his shirt on the counter so he can start cleaning the wound. Fuck. His stomach is so damn fine. He has these lines that go down in a v. It's like a tease because it leads down in his pants to somewhere I only get to fantasize about.

His stomach tightens when he puts the alcohol on it.

Christ, I know he's in discomfort, but I'd fuck him silly right now. Those motherfuckers cockblocking us. I took a damn bath for nothing. There's gotta be a way I can make myself older. Maybe then he'll want me. I sigh when a piece of the kitchen inner wall caves in. It must have been from that shoot out. This place is falling to fuck. I miss his house.

He sighs, putting back on his shirt. "You deserve better."

"Stop it."

"I promise you, RM, as soon as I can make enough to take care of Charlie and Dominic I'm out. The drugs, the guns, everything. We're getting clean because I don't want this life for you. Look what happened because of it? Those inbred degenerates took three years from you. From us."

"But it saved Specs' life. They were hurting him."

"You always see the good in everything. Even if you've been wronged, there's something positive you gain from it."

"You can't dwell on things because it only hurts you."

"That's why I love you. You make me a better man."

"You're just high."

"You think I'm high? I tell you I love you goddammit and you think it's because I'm high!?"

I can count on my hand the number of times I've heard Madsen curse. It's not a good feeling being the cause of it. I move my knees up, crossing my arms over them and tuck myself away. "I don't know," I whine. When he runs his hand in my hair, I peek up from my knees.

"I'm sorry, RM. I… I didn't think before I said it."

"Think about what? I fucked up."

"No, you didn't. How would you even know what love is?"

"I know what it is, but," I shrug my shoulders, "just no one's ever said it to me before, you know?"

"I was hurt, and I lost my temper. There is nothing that makes it okay for me to swear at you. I guess I thought it would go differently. That you'd… love me, too."

"Is that why you don't want to fuck me because I won't say that word?"

"What would people think, RM? You've been with me since you were a child."

"You're not my fucking dad, man. I never saw it like that. At the time, I didn't understand why I had to leave Mama, but I know it was because you were just protecting me. That's what you are, Madie." I tuck my hand in his. "My protector."

"I would lay down my life for you."

Speaking of laying down…

"I think about all the trauma you've been through. If I give into you and you have flashbacks to them, or god forbid start to cry, I will never forgive myself."

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you. I'm telling you right now, RM, if you so much were to give me a look like you're uncomfortable, I will never touch you again. I really want you to think about this. Think about what you're asking."

I don't understand what he means. He acts like what those men did to me was wrong. Mama said if a man wants to touch you, he can, and he has the right. Fine. I'm done with this shit. If he doesn't want to fuck me, I'll never ask him again.

* * *

Dominic left the shop early today because he's still not feeling well which means I'm bored out of my fucking mind.

"What's wrong, baby?"

"Not your baby."

Madsen sighs, pulling the red rag from his back pocket and cleaning off the part in his hand. "You've been down the last few days."

"I'm fine. When are we getting dinner?"

"It's going to be a bit."

"See you when you get there." I hop down from his work bench and start for his office front door.

He hooks my arm. "You're not walking to that diner."

"Keep your fucking greasy hands off me."

Madsen comes up behind me and shoves the door shut, pressing his hand to it so I can't leave. "I said you're not going to the diner by yourself. Have a seat."

I thrust myself down on his couch. "I hate you!"

"You'll get over it."

"No I won't!"

"If your safety means you hating me so be it."

As he starts back inside the garage, I shout the most fucked up thing I can think of. "I wish I never met you!"

The shop door glass shatters from him slamming it as hard as he does.

...

Dinner was cold and awkward. Madsen always orders for me, but he didn't say a word. He just smoked his cigarettes while I took a few bites here and there. When we get home, he removes all my stuff from his room and sets it in his spare bedroom then locks his door. I could pick the lock, but I know he'll be angry. For the first time since I've been with him, I'm going to have to sleep alone. As I start to walk away, I press my ear to the door to make out the strange sound. He's... sobbing! I fumble to get the door open, and finally manage.

He's sitting at the edge of the bed, his head dipped down as tears fall against his pants.

"Madie! Madie, talk to me. What's wrong?"

"Everyone has always chastised me for taking you from Rebel. Saying I'm not the kind of man that you need in your life, but I did it because I knew that deep down it was the right thing to do. Now you tell me my darkest fear. That I was wrong for taking you."

"I was angry."

"The first time I saw you, it was on that filthy stained mattress with things I can't even bring myself to speak of. Your hips were still bleeding from whatever degenerate filth had his way with you before we got there." Madsen pauses, then starts to sob again. "For once in my life, I thought I was doing something selfless by taking you."

"Madsen." I touch his shoulder.

He flinches at my touch as if it burns like he used to when I first met him.

I've fucked up by saying all these hurtful things because I'm angry he doesn't want to fuck me. Now, that, is fucking selfish. "I was angry, and being a spoiled bitch. I never meant to make you question things."

"I need to be alone."

"We've always slept together."

"Not tonight."

"I don't want this!" I wrap my arms around his head. "I'm sorry!" I'm pried off him. "No, please," I beg, tearing up. My bottom lip starts to tremble.

His worn bloodshot eyes stare back at me.

It scares me because they're so goddamn empty.

"In the morning, I'll take you to Charlie's. You'll stay with him from here on out."

"I don't want that! I want to be with you."

"I don't."

"No! No, please. Give me another chance!" I take a step closer. "I won't say nasty things." My hands move back around his head. "I'll be good to you, Madie, okay?"

"No. Our time is over."

"I don't want Cheeto!" He didn't give a fuck what I wanted, and in the morning I watch out the passenger window of Cheeto's truck as we pull away from Madsen's. "Madie," I whine.

Cheeto lives in an old rundown metal airstream camper. The only privacy is the small one person bathroom, and his room that some sheet hangs up over the entrance of it. "That's you," he says, tossing my bag up on the old couch.

There's nothing out here, and I don't even know where here is. At night it's completely silent except for the ones when he has a woman, or two, over. I stick my fingers in my ears so I don't have to hear all the disgusting moaning. Most of the time I just wait outside on the rusted steps until it's silent again. I hate myself for fucking things up with Madsen. All over something as meaningless as sex. I should have respected him, and not been so selfish. The only way I keep track of the days is by counting the food containers that Cheeto brings home for me from the diner since Madsen won't allow Cheeto to bring me there. Today makes fifteen. "How is he?"

"He fuckin' mopes around at dinner because he's too prideful while you're here putting a rut in my couch. I don't mean that because I don't want you here. The reason things have done and gone to shit is because it ain't meant to be."

"It's nobody's business!"

"RM, Madsen is a grown man. You're a child."

A bright light shines in the camper. "Madie," I yell, running out the front door. Only… it's Ren.

"Stay here," she tells the man on the bike. "Went by Madsen's but you weren't there. You and Madsen not together?"

"Did he say something?!"

"No, it's just… you're here and not there."

"We had a fight."

"Hey, old man," Ren smirks at Cheeto, "you got any party favors?"

"You know I don't hold. RM, come back inside," he tells me.

Ren watches Cheeto until he's back in the camper. "You hit that?"

"No!"

"Alright, well, I'm gone." Ren never stayed long when there wasn't drugs involved.

"Won't you stay for a little bit?"

"Can't."

"Yeah. Okay," I frown as I watch her speed off. I narrow my eyes and run back into the camper. "Cheeto, I need you to take me to the shop."

"You know I can't do that."

I rip the bottle from his hand. "Please. I need to talk to Madsen."

"If he wanted to talk to you, he'd be here. If he wanted you in any way, he'd be here. A man will stop at nothing when it comes to the woman he wants to be with. Get that through your head. Whatever that twisted thing was you had going on with him is over."

"Cheeto, please. I'm begging you. I know you don't approve of Madsen and me but, if I know Ren, she's on her way to see Madsen right now. Please, I can't handle the thought of those two together." Ren has always wanted Madsen.

"Madsen wouldn't touch her with someone else's dick. Sit down and watch your video tape."

"Then I'm going to wait until you pass out, and go myself." I hand the bottle back to him.

"You stay in the truck. If she's there, I'll handle it. Do you understand me?"

"Hurry! We're wasting time!"

...

Ren is talking to Madsen when we finally get to the shop. "I was just there. I'm telling you, who else is going to moan that stupid nickname other than her?"

Why would she tell Madsen that I was fucking Cheeto?! That's not true at all! I'm angry that my friend would betray me like this and as I start to make my presence known, I'm even more shocked at what happens next.

Ren plops down on Madsen's lap, licking up the side of his face.

 **Bitch**!

Madsen grabs Ren by the back of her hair and pulls her through the garage before shoving her out the side door.

"Fuck! You don't have to be so goddamn rough."

"If you ever touch me again, you're going to see how rough I can get. Get me my money, Ren. You've got thirty six hours." Madsen slams the door shut letting out the most disgusted groan. He scrubs his face clean before he catches my reflection in the mirror. " **You** ," Madsen snarls, yanking me up on my feet.

Oh, fuck. That's not the response I was hoping for.

"So. Now you don't trust me."

"I don't trust her!"

"No. You don't trust me! She's a hundred pounds, RM. She's not going to just have her way with me."

"Her disgusting tongue was on your face! You're my property goddammit!"

"I've grown tired of your jealousy, RM. How did you even get here?"

"Cheeto brought me."

Madsen starts out the front door to Cheeto's truck.

I'm so scared as I watch through the window because I don't want to cause problems in their friendship. I put Cheeto right in the middle of this fucked up situation. I'm confused when he just drives off.

"Sit yourself down."

Fuck, Madsen is so pissed right now. I know he wants to tear into my ass, but he's too good of a man to even raise his voice. Though he doesn't really have to. Just his facial expression right now is terrifying. "I didn't touch Cheeto, I swear."

"Do you think I believe anything that comes out of that whore's mouth?"

"She's your friend."

"She's a shopper. Do you know what that is?"

I shake my head no.

"After she buys from me, what she doesn't manage to snort or ingest, she sells, then brings the money back. That way she assumes the risk. Someone who is expendable. Someone who I would roll over on in a heartbeat because she means nothing to me. She's just too drugged out and stupid to realize it. Right now she owes me twenty-five hundred dollars, and thinks that by throwing her cunt at me it'll all go away."

That's where that twenty-five hundred dollars is. "It's not just Ren. You don't let anyone close to you."

"You're right, I don't."

"I feel sorry for you." I don't know where these words are coming from. One thing is for certain though. This separation from him forced me to grow up. To show me that I got strong on my fucking own.

"I'll take you home."

"I can walk to Cheeto's myself." Maybe. If I can remember how the fuck I got there.

"Home, RM. With me."

I would have given anything to hear those words two weeks ago. "That trolley has left. Cheeto told me a man will stop at nothing when it comes to the woman he wants to be with. I'm not going to chase you anymore."

"Wait," he begs.

Would you look at that? How the tables have turned. I remember begging him for another chance, only to be shoved into someone's truck. "No." I do let Madsen take me back to Cheetos because I'm way too tired to walk. As I hop from his bike, he takes my hand.

"Is this what you want?"

I slip my hand from his. "Goodbye."

His bike stays outside idle well after I'm inside. Like he expected me to change my mind or something.

I'm not giving in. I know that I said some fucked up shit to him, but he just gave up on me. Shoved me out the fucking door like I was someone else's problem.

"Why are you back here?"

"You were right. If he wanted to be with me, he would be."

"Good girl." As loyal as Cheeto is to Madsen, he has never approved of Madsen having any type of romantic relationship with me.

I used to wonder if maybe it was Cheeto that would get inside of Madsen's head and make Madsen question his feelings for me. Guess it doesn't really matter anymore. "I'm exhausted from all this bullshit."

"It only gets worse, kiddo." He tilts the rest of the bottle back as he goes behind his sheet door.

Time to put my big girl DM's on.

* * *

Every day got a little easier to be away from Madsen. Except dinner time. He'd sit across from me in that booth and try his damndest not to look at me. I know this, because I'm doing the same thing. One night, the waitress put her hand on Madsen's shoulder. Madsen has no patience for that shit, but he lets the waitress linger. So the following night, I sat a little closer to Dominic. Laughed at his jokes a little harder. Complimented him a little too much.

Madsen slams his paper money down and walks the fuck out. He doesn't show up for dinner that night.

"He never misses dinner, Dominic."

"I'm telling you, Charlie, before I left the shop he said he wasn't coming. Now where's that big titty waitress?" After dinner, Dominic asks me to come over.

I tell him no because as much as the flirting was innocent, if I do something stupid like fuck Dominic there is no way Madsen would even look at me again. "Where's Cheeto?"

"He left. I told him you were coming with me."

"I told you no!"

"You're both fucking idiots, RM. We all see how much you two want each other, yet you're playing these little games. As much as I'd love to be in that pussy, I didn't tell Charlie I'd take you home to take you back to my place. It's so I can take you to Madsen. You both need to work this shit out before the old fuck dies from a heart attack."

"Fuck you."

"See? My point right there. Why would you get all butthurt if you don't give a fuck about him?"

"I don't want to go to him! If that's where you're taking me, I'm fucking walking." I don't trust him, so I walk to Cheetos. He follows behind me, but I'm not giving in. When we get to Cheeto's house he's not home.

"That's weird. Did Charlie say he was going out?"

"No, he always comes right home." We wait for a good few hours, but still no sign of Cheeto. I hop on the back of Dominic's bike as we search for Cheeto. We try the liquor store, the shop, and finally Madsen's house. Even more worrisome is that Madsen isn't home, and we had just come from the shop.

"Alright, I know you'll be safe at Charlie's. Just wait here. I'm going to drive around a bit, then double back."

I don't want to be alone because I'm scared. Cheeto doesn't even have a phone. Not that I'd know how to even use it. God, I waited like two hours for fucking any sign of life.

Cheeto's truck finally pulls up.

I fling the metal door open and start yelling at him. "Where in the hell have-" I roll my eyes so motherfucking hard when Madsen rides up. "What are **you** doing here?"

"Charlie, go inside. Let me speak to RM."

"Answer my question," I yell at Madsen.

"Charlie said you were going home with Dominic."

"Oh, what? Didn't trust me?"

"It has nothing to do with trust. I knew I had to make things right."

"Fuck you."

Madsen hooks me by the arm.

"Let go!"

"RM!"

"I said let fucking go!"

"I'm jealous of Dominic!" He pulls me closer. "Alright?"

"What are you jealous of him for?"

"Because he's ten years younger than I am, and in better shape. You both have the same crude sense of humor. Under that imprudent attitude of his, he cares for you, and it terrifies me because what if he's a better match for you than I am?"

"Fucking come at me with that shit when every time I've ever been jealous of a woman's sweater meat spilling out, I get my ass chewed. Go fuck-your-motherfucking-fucking-self."

"I'm sorry, RM."

"I don't want to hear it! Go get up inside of that shopper's cunt, you fucking hypocrite." I slam Cheeto's door so fucking hard I break the damn latch. What-cocksucking-ever.

* * *

I know that I told Madsen to fuck who he wanted, but I was so goddamn fearful of what if he actually did do it. Yet when he asks if he can take me to the diner tonight, I tell him no.

"Alright," he frowns.

"Quit following me."

"I worry about your safety. If you're not going to ride with me, please go with Dominic."

"Fuck you."

"What can I do, RM? How can I fix this? Every step I try and take puts us two behind."

"I'm mad because you just fucking gave up on us, man! You pushed me out that goddamn door."

"You hurt me! You took my darkest thoughts and you vocalized them. What was I supposed to do?"

"You can leave me alone. Go back to living your life before I became some burden because you were too good of a man to leave me at Mama's house."

"That is such a cruel thing to say to me. You weren't some charity case, RM. I took you because I felt compelled to. Because I knew it was the right thing to do."

"I don't understand what you mean."

"I wouldn't expect you to after all the brain washing that woman did to you."

"Now you're pissing me off talking shit about Mama!"

Madsen shakes his head and starts to walk towards his office. "Take her to the diner," he tells Dominic.

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"I said no. Here's the daily total. You need to work the shit out."

I slip out the side door while the two are arguing. That's fine if no one wants me. I have enough money to fuck myself up permanently. Then I won't be anyone's burden. I end up at the outskirts of town. This crackhouse that Ducky frequents a lot. Drugs are cheap here because they're mostly shit, but I don't care. If I do enough of them, it won't matter. Three days pass before I become coherent again. I pull myself out of this trash pile I've been passed out in for the last few days. This is pretty disgusting even for me. Sheriff Phil finds me walking and offers to take me back to Cheeto's. Thank god because I'm still trying to sober up.

"Madsen has been looking-"

"I don't give a fuck. Don't talk to me about Madsen. Shut up and drive."

"You don't pay me, he does. Don't you forget that the next time you smart mouth off to me."

"What's it gonna be this time? Paper money? Drugs? Pussy? Wanna fuck me, Sheriff? I know you got that secret fetish for-"

"RM, you're lucky you belong to Madsen or I'd-"

"I don't belong to no man," I scream in his face before jumping out of this moving shit box. Such a bad fucking idea. When I regain consciousness, I'm on Cheeto's steps. Thank god. Ow, my fucking back. Cheeto isn't home, but I help myself to a cold shower and a fresh change of clothes. There's no food in this fucking place, so I start for Madsen's shop. I had my leftover crumbs there. Would you believe it takes me two fucking hours to find his shop? I mean, shit. It ain't like this town is that big to begin with. Oh, good. No one is here. I break the small window so I can open the latch and slide in. Luckily, Madsen keeps some gloves in his desk for me. I set my food container on his desk when I notice his sketch book is open. I haven't seen this drawing before. I'm normally the focus of his drawings, but not these last few entries. They're so fucking disturbing. He's pealing his own flesh off in one. One he's overdosed in and his body is rotting. I can't even look at the other ones and slam the book shut. It's obvious he's hurting. Our last words were so hateful to each other. I'm a fucking whore rubbing up on Dominic to make Madsen jealous. Fuck! What have I done? Have I just ruined everyth-

"RM?!"

My stomach drops as my dominating silhouette of perfection stands in the doorway of the shop.

"Christ, I've spent the last three days searching this entire state looking for you! The shelters, the thrift shops, the police stations, the hospitals…" Madsen's eyes well up. "The morgues."

 _A man will stop at nothing when it comes to the woman he wants to be with._

"Madie," I whimper. "I'm-"

Madsen takes a long stride towards me, forcefully claiming my lips.

My eyes widen from the forceful embrace. Holy fuck!

"Will you forgive me," he asks against them, giving me another kiss.

I nod like I'm in some drunken stupor.

"And you'll come home?"

I didn't want to give in so easily, but none of that even fucking matters except this moment. "Yes!"

His hands move over the curve of my ass before tightening around it and I'm lifted up into another deep kiss.

I hold him by the broad shoulders, trying not to do anything embarrassing. Who am I kidding? This is embarrassing! His fucking tongue is in my mouth! The leather on the couch shifts under me as I'm set on it. I love to be naked, but I find myself nervous the more my shirt moves upward. Why do my tits have to be so pathetic? They're not near as big as any of the women who come in here and let them spill out. My shirt comes off, thrown aside as his mouth gravitates towards my chest. I moan feeling his tongue against my sensitive skin. "Are they too small," I frown when his hand covers the other one entirely.

"No, they're perfect."

I don't believe him until he sets my hand on his hard arousal. Fuck! I can't believe my hand is in a place I had given up on because I knew it would never happen. I'm paralyzed when his shirt is taken off and perfection is before me.

"It's alright," he encourages me.

My hands gravitate to that warm virile chest of his. "I can touch you?"

"Anywhere you want. I'm yours."

I writher under him in torment because I am so fucking turned on right now. He lets me have my fun feeling him up like some kind of deviant. All the hard contours of his muscles are so fucking hot.

"I think you're getting the better deal," he smirks.

"Yeah?" I push myself up on my elbows. "You wanna play with me?"

His eyebrow inches upward and I'm given a slow nod.

"Too fucking bad." I'm going to make him suffer.

The denim of his pants stirs as he groans displeased. "Making me suffer like you think I made you?"

I move my legs apart, running my fingers against myself as his eyes follow my fingers in circles. "You like it when I touch myself, Madie?"

"Yes. Tell me what you think about when you touch yourself."

Goddamn him. "Your mouth where my fingers are."

He shakes his head no.

I let out a frustrated breath. "What? Seriously?"

"Extremely."

"Well… why not? I want your mouth there."

"No. I'm sorry, but that's something I **won't** do."

I pout, throwing my hands out so they smack against the leather. "This is bullshit."

He grabs me by the ankle and pulls me down the couch some as my stomach jumps in excitement. "Watch how you speak to me."

My eyes widen in the most feral lust for this man. I want him to take control of me in every way possible. I'm his, to do whatever he wants with. My shorts are set beside me as he takes me in.

When his lips touch against my inner calf just that little bit of attention is almost too much.

"Don't make a sound or I'll stop," he grins against the fabric.

My stomach knots in nervous anticipation.

"Not one whimper." His breath is hot against my thigh as he moves up.

Yes, yes! Oh, fuck! Keep going! No! No, go back! I try and inch up some when I realize he's not going between my legs. Maybe he's serious, but I'm not complaining at what he's doing right now. I arch my back upward when his teeth nip at my ribs.

"Now you may speak," he allows as his tongue circles around my little peak.

"Fuck," I pant, clawing at his arms. When his lips finally claim mine, I practically rip the button from his pants to free him. I try to slide his pants down over his hips, but he pins my arms over my head. Oh, goddamn, fuck yes. "Fuck me like this, Madie, and smoke while you do it."

"No," he says against my skin.

"Please, it's so fucking hot."

"Don't you want my mouth for," he licks up the curve of my chest, "other things?" Deep fuck me blues stare back with such intensity.

I beg him to be inside me. "No," I whimper when he starts to tug to get off these stockings.

Madsen parts my legs, gripping the nylon and ripping a hole in them.

Fuck, it's so fucking hot. My cheeks redden from being this vulnerable in front of him.

His eyes trail up to mine. "No panties?"

I shake my head no. "I never wear them."

He runs his hand down his mouth as he lets out a faint whine. "You're going to be my undoing. You know this, right?"

"Then what are you waiting for?" I can feel his warm arousal against me, but it's just a brief tease.

He drops his head down some. "…I can't, RM." Madsen's worried that I'll see the other men when staring back at him.

He's the **only** man in my thoughts. "Don't do this to me now." I inch my hips towards his. "Please. I want this. I want you."

"Are you certain this is what you want?"

I need him, or else I'm going to fucking lose my mind. I've done my fucking time. Been a good girl for him. Now I want restitution. "I want what belongs to me. What I am fucking owed, and you're going to give it to me or I am going to take it."

"That mouth," he growls.

Those fucking veins in his neck fuel my craving even further. His broad torso stretches over me, claiming me. I feel every inch of his arousal until it becomes too much and I squirm under him.

"I'll slow down until it doesn't hurt anymore, alright?"

I nod, but truthfully I know it's not going to get any better. What the fuck was I thinking? Every man has always hurt. I slam my eyes shut and try to think of something else.

"RM." He stills completely as his lips settle against my jawline. "Look at me. Do you want me to stop?"

Fearing he'll stop if I hesitate on his question, I shake my head no. I whimper in disappointment when he moves away from me. "No, Madie, I want-" My pleas are silenced when I feel his finger ease inside me instead. "Oh!" My eyes widen as my chest expands.

"Better?"

"Fuck yes," I squeal. Madsen is a fucking god with that finger, or so I think, because in goes one more. "Yes!" Oh, the way he moves and twists his fingers inside me. I never thought it could feel this fucking good. I flush at my arousal on his fingers when he takes them from me.

"It's okay," he smirks.

I moan as I accept his length, this time in pleasure. "Fuck."

He's cautious, just barely giving me what he has to offer.

I take hold of the denim and yank him towards me.

Madsen gives me the most confident chuckle, pinning my arms back into place before delving deep inside me.

"Fuck!"

"Let's find you a new word."

"Oh, god!"

"Better," he grins.

You motherfucker, don't act like you don't enjoy this, too. Fuck me, he's confident in bed. Domineering. Rugged. He's determined to make me completely speechless, and he has. If it isn't some type of moan, it's not leaving my mouth. The muscles between my legs tighten once more, but it's something I've never felt before.

"Are you close?"

"Close to what?"

"Uh." He stills his hips.

"No, Madie, don't stop. It feels so fucking good."

"Have you ever been with a man willingly?"

I shake my head no. "Was that all," I frown. As he stares back at me, I start to become embarrassed. I'm no stranger to pleasuring myself, except I didn't know that I could find my release inside, too. And when I do? Fuck, I feel it in every part of me. My toes curl. My eyes slam shut. "Madsen, fuck," I scream knowing I've probably caused him to go deaf.

Madsen's gruff voice moans deeply against my ear until my name leaves his lips.

Holy fucking fuck! This is what fucking is? Yes! I'm completely immobile, laying here like I'm in some kind of drunken coma. "Fuck."

He, however, does not share that same enthusiasm. "Sorry," he reddens. "It's… been quite some time since I've been with a woman." He looks off to the side and narrows his eyes with a grunt. As if he's displeased with himself. "I should have had better control."

Control? I don't understand. Madie knows that I can't have children so why does it matter?

Madsen cleans me up, then goes into the bathroom to wash his face and hands.

Truthfully, I'm a little disappointed he didn't stay by my side. I hate that he just hurried off like that, leaving me like I'm something he's ashamed of. Fuck, I can smell his pomade. He is so anal about his fucking hair.

"What's that look for?"

About a million things, but I guess it's really just one main concern. "You were so quick to get up and leave me."

"It makes me uncomfortable. The, uh. Affection stuff afterwards."

"Why?"

"You don't need that in your head. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings… it's just… that's how I am."

"Did someone hurt you?"

"Why don't I take you to the diner so you don't have to eat these leftovers?"

"Are you avoiding my question?"

"Yes. RM, there are things about my past that it's best they stay there."

I look for my shorts, then realize they're under me.

"Are you… alright?"

"What do you mean?" I trip trying to put them on. Shit, I'm light headed.

"You know what I mean."

Well, I know one thing that's for sure. Sex with him was so much better than I'm used to. "It didn't hurt with you like with all the others."

"It's not supposed to hurt, RM."

"Can we do it again?"

He gives me a breathed laugh. "Give me a little bit first."

...

Madsen and I have dinner alone that night.

"Will you always be distant after we fuck?"

Madsen stops mid chew as his eyes move up to the waitress. He lets her refill it, then waits until she's far enough from the table. "Yes. Now eat your crumbs."

"Do I embarrass you?"

He swallows his food, then takes a sip of his coffee. "No," he clears his throat, setting his mug down. "I'm a private person, RM. Discussing intimacy in public makes me uncomfortable."

"But we're alone now."

Madsen leans over and gives me a kiss on my temple before he goes back to cutting his steak.

I giggle and look up at him. "Affection in public?"

"I thought we were alone," he grins.

"Wanna fuck me on the table then?"

"You're going to make me choke."

"Can I choke on you?"

"RM!"

"Heh, sorry." I don't feel so bad when I look down and notice he's aroused. "Does that whalelephant in your pants hurt?" I'm actually given quite the guffaw from Madsen.

"In my work pants it does because of the fabric."

"I like your ass in those pants."

He shakes his head.

"What do you like about me?"

Madsen scans the diner before he leans over and presses his lips to my ear. "I like how if I tell you to sit there and be a good little girl, you'll do what I say. Isn't that right?"

The muscles between my legs tighten. "Yes, Madsen."

He makes me suffer in silence until he finishes his food. "Now, excuse yourself."

My heart is beating so fast as he walks behind me to the restroom. I've never been so fucking turned on, and when he takes me from behind and I get to watch in the mirror I only **thought** I knew what good fucking was before. I keep thinking someone is going to walk in on us, which makes it even better. Every time I start to open my mouth to moan, he stares back at me in the mirror with one eyebrow raised in disapproval. Fuck! I know how reserve Madsen is so for him to do something like this means a lot to me. It shows me that I really do need to try and be a good submissive fuck for him in public. My knees are so weak and shaky as I try and pull up my shorts.

He flips on the water then starts to wash his hands. "Go sit back down and wait for me."

"Do you want me to order your pie?" Oh my fucking god the look he gives me. I know what he wants to say. He already had his pie. Guess it's cherry tonight.

* * *

Madsen and I fucked everywhere in his shop at least twice. Including against all the walls, on the bathroom sink, a bike Madsen was rebuilding, which was extremely difficult by the way, and Dominic's work bench. And this was just at the shop. Once we got home, fuck. Sometimes I'd try and get him all worked up at dinner under the table. It was so hot because no one had a clue. Meanwhile, he was so flustered he didn't know what the fuck was going on. In fact, Dominic made it a point to come over one night and ask Madsen if he was okay. Said he had been finding him asleep a lot at his desk, or just doing sloppy work when he had to go behind him and fix things. Madie and I laughed about it for twenty minutes after he left. And of course, we fucked right after that.

"RM, you're going to get me in a lot of trouble."

"You're the boss." I plop down on his lap grinding my hips against his. "You can do **anything** you want."

He sits back against his chair, giving me a smirk.

I lick up his neck, then sink my teeth in his thick skin.

"RM, stop!"

"...but, doesn't that feel good?" It feels fucking incredible when he does it to me.

"You can't leave marks on me like that."

Guess the honeymoon is over. "Right, I wouldn't want to cover up the track marks in your neck."

"What did I tell you about your smart mouth?"

"That... you were going to fuck it?" I flash him a mouthful of teeth.

"Don't try to coax this your way."

"What the fuck does that even mean?"

"It means to persuade someone. Look, I think that we need to set some rules."

"Madie, come on," I pout. I reach between his legs, running my fingers against him.

"Coaxing."

"But it's working." I smirk at his arousal.

He stills my hand. "I'm serious, RM. This is important to me. Just like you with your stockings, I have things about me. Yes, I know there are track marks in my neck, but that doesn't mean to add to them. I have a business to run, and I'm the face for that business."

"What do you shoot up in your neck for anyhow? Even I know how dangerous that is, Madie."

"That way I'm in front of the mirror when I use. I have to watch myself do it every time, and a lot of times it deters me."

"I'll stop reusing my needles if you stop putting them in your neck." Yeah, it's fucking pathetic, I know, but we're trying. It's the little steps.

"Alright."

"I mean, you can always shoot up in me," I grin.

"Stop."

"That was funny and you know it."

"It was a little crass, even for you."

Jesus, I'd hate for him to hear the things I say in my head then. "I like it when you do it to me," I smile.

"I don't."

"It feels good."

"RM, enough."

"No, I'm talking to you. I like it because it's like I belong to you."

"It's not going to happen again."

"Well, why not?" When he starts to grit his teeth, I know this won't end well, but I wanna fucking know! "Madie, talk to me. Why does it bother you so much? It's intimate for me. I like you inside me-"

"I said that's enough. I don't want to have this conversation anymore, and I mean it!"

"Fuck. I'm always in trouble! I just want to fucking talk to you," I yell. "Goddammit." I march myself from Madsen's trailer so I can collect my-fucking-self only I'm not alone. "Why are you still here?"

"I was trying to get some fucking service around this motherfucker to see what girls I could call. Then the neighbor saw me and invited me in," Dominic smirks.

"Wait. Neighbor? Our neighbor? She's like a hundred years old."

"Sixty-four, and pussy is pussy."

"Gross. Just take me for a fucking ride."

"I'll take you for a ride, alright."

"Not on that rocket, dingus." I should have known riding with Dominic would be a bad idea because he almost wrecks his fucking bike on the way home. "What the fuck? You almost killed us."

"It'd be worth it. Stay here."

"Oh, for fuck's sake."

The only time you'll hear Dominic use the love word is when it comes to Girl Scout cookies. He comes back with a smile from ear to ear.

"Good job, dingus. Now where the hell are we going to put all these cookies?"

"Uh..." In his arms are five full cases. That's sixty fucking boxes, and that's not counting the room, yes, room in his trailer full of them. They can't be any kind though, they have to be the red box. The peanut butter ones. "Here, hold them like this and I'll push the bike." And he did! Two miles he pushed this fucking bike while I tried to juggle all these goddamn boxes. After we get them all in the house, Dominic wraps his arms around me. "Thanks, doofus."

"Come on with that shit."

"Am I interrupting?"

Fuck! I didn't even notice Madsen sitting on Dominic's couch. Awkward.

"Mad, what are you doing here?"

Madsen rises from the couch. "You should really be more aware of your surroundings," he grunts displeased. When his eyes move to me, I drop my head in submission. "Tell Dominic goodbye, RM."

"No! Go away, I'm mad at you!"

"Come here, now."

"Yes, Madsen," I frown. "Goodbye, Dominic."

"Sorry," he murmurs.

"It's not your fault," I tell him, going over to Madsen.

"Outside."

I obey, but not without a stamp of my foot first.

"Let's go for a walk," he tells me once outside while lighting his cigarette.

"I want one."

He puts another one in his mouth, lighting that one before handing it over. "I'm sorry if it felt like I dismissed your concern, and you're not always in trouble, RM."

"You need to let me address my concerns, too, you know?"

"I know I do, and I'm working on that."

"Well… I forgive you," I smile.

Madsen still looks troubled.

"What's wrong, Madie? Just talk to me."

"When you were younger a street dealer forced himself on you in exchange for drugs. You came home and kept asking if you could take a bath because you were sticky." He bows his head. "You were only a little girl. You shouldn't have had to ask to take a bath because a grown man can't keep his hands off you."

I remember that day. Madsen and Cheeto both killed him, too. I never understood why because I was always sticky when I lived at Mama's. "It's different with you." I curl my fingers around his.

When he looks up, there's a disgusted twitch in his cheek but, despite being uncomfortable, he holds my hand tight. "I fear the day that you see me as one of those men."

"That's not going to happen."

"Do you… _enjoy_ … when Dominic gives you affection?"

Even I can tell how ridiculous of a question he thinks it is, but I know it was hard for him to ask me because deep down he really does worry that I might leave him for Dominic. "No."

"Do you desire that with me?"

"Sometimes. Like after we fuck I wish you would stay by my side."

"I'm sorry I can't give that to you."

"Do you think that maybe over time you'll be open to it?"

"No."

"Because of your past?"

"Yes."

"What happened to you, Madie? Did someone hurt you?"

"Yes."

"Sometimes Mama's boyfriends would hit me like a lot of times in a row if I didn't want them to touch me. Did you get hit a lot, too?" When I'm given a nod, I stop with the questions because he's really troubled right now.

"Let's go home and put this behind us, RM."

Yes! That means I get my feet rubbed.

* * *

"Madie, how do blankets work?"

Madsen stills his pencil, blinking twice before looking up at me. "What?"

"Blankets. How do they work? Because they keep you warm but not too warm. How do they know not to make you warmer?"

"RM, watch your program, okay? I need to finish my work."

I lower my blanket with a sulk. "Alright," I frown. This stupid TV is broken or something. "Mister Roger's isn't on."

Madsen doesn't respond.

"Madie, there's no picture," I whine, tugging on his sleeve.

He runs his hand down his face in frustration before digging through his drawer.

Oh, right, the TV calculator that turns it on. I punch all the buttons until the red one at the bottom turns it on. Fuck. Finally.

Madsen lets out a heavy sigh when I drop the calculator on the floor.

"S-sorry," I pout. Goddamn, he's in a bad mood today. I've never seen him like this before. Madsen always makes time for me, but he's so concerned with those goddamn books. Yes, when that fucking theme song starts I'm in heaven. I toss my blanket to the floor and rap my own version of the theme song. "It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood! A beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine? Could you be mine-"

"RM," Madsen calls.

I try and murmur the rest of the theme song, but Madsen stares back at me with narrowed eyes. Fuck. "Fine…" Today Mister Rogers is putting these shapes in a wooden box. I wish I had that toy. "So close," I tell him, pressing my fingers to the glass on the TV. This show always keeps me on the edge of my fucking seat.

...

I yawn and push the red button on the TV calculator. That episode was good. I hope Madsen was listening. Even Mister Rogers knows that violence is wrong. When I look over my shoulder, I find Madsen asleep at his desk. Maybe he'll quit being so goddamn grumpy now. I notice that he hasn't even finished his work so I slide the books out from under him and use the number calculator to finish the rest of the books. After I'm done, I cover him up with my blanket before coiling around his leg and fall asleep myself.

* * *

I love when we go to the gym, which is often when surrounded by a bunch of competitive testosterone. It's like a fucking fap-fest for me watching Madie and Dominic lift. I laugh when Dominic starts barking like a dog at Madsen in this deep voice.

"Let's go, Mad-Dog!"

I guess it's some kind of weird male encouragement. I wouldn't mind encouraging them alright. Bend that ass over and let them go to town! What is fucking wrong with me? I can't help it. Fuck. Their muscles. Dominic's arms are the size of me. Madsen's back is just this broad muscular plain that stretches forever. Those fuck me forearms of his.

 _"What's that look for," Madsen grins._

 _"Don't play fucking coy with me. You're shirtless."_

 _Madsen shakes his head with a smirk. "I'm sweaty."_

 _"I don't give a fuck."_

 _"I really should shower first."_

 _I narrow my eyes. "You bastard."_

 _"I'll let you watch."_

 _"No, fuck that. I wanna help."_

 _"Nah. I'm really filthy. I better do it myself."_

 _"That's why you need two extra hands."_

"RM."

I snap out of my fantasy with a labored breath. "Huh? What?"

"I said let's go."

"Don't you need a shower first?"

He points at the door.

"Alright," I pout. Fuck. There goes my boner.

"What's wrong?"

"I wish you fucking wanted me half as much as I wanted you. I'm always the one that has to initiate everything. Just fuck me, man!"

"Watch your tone with me."

"I've seen you put grown men in the ground, but you can't get a little rough with me?"

"That's not a man, RM. If that's what you're looking for you will not find that in me. The word you're looking for is assertive. I'm not assertive with you because of your past. I worry that it might cause you to have flashbacks."

"Damn, Madie, you always have these reasons for things that make me feel like shit."

"That is not my intention. The way you speak to me is always so hostile, like I purposely set out to hurt you. I desire you more than you know. Just because I'm not vocal about it doesn't mean that I'm not always thinking about it."

"Really? You want up in this clam cage?"

"How about something a little more subtle? Like your precious pearl."

"Oh, yeah. That sounds real fucking sexy, too. Precious pearl. Wanna go diving for pearls when we-"

Like some kind of slow motion fucking hell, Dominic drags his sweaty fucking arm across my cheek.

"Sweet fucking fuck! What the fuck, man?!"

"Uncalled for," Madsen grumbles.

"Put some clothes on, damn."

"Sorry, I can't hear you two over the majesty of my muscles." Dominic makes an even bigger jackass out of himself by flexing.

"Get the fuck out of here with that shit! I was trying to get some and you cockblocked me."

"RM. Bike. Now."

Ugh! When Madsen says now, it means you better well fucking do it.

Madsen didn't speak the entire way home. Not that you can really have an in depth conversation on a motorcycle, but he at least rests his hand on my thigh as we ride. He didn't touch me once. Once we're home, he spends a considerable amount of time in the bathroom before coming out. There's still a scowl on his face. Oh, goddamn, he looks **good**. Dark washed denim jeans, rolled up slightly at the hem by his dominating Red Wing boots. A black button up with pearl snaps too tight because his torso and shoulders are massive. "I'm going to go for a ride."

"Without me?"

"I need to clear my head."

"What's wrong?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh, come on."

"Lock the door behind me."

Fuck that. I follow after him to his bike. "Is this about Dominic and how you think he's in better shape?"

"…yes."

"Madie, I don't like Dominic's stomach. It has all these weird lines on it."

"Those are abs."

"I like your abs."

"I don't have abs."

"Yeah you fucking do. That solid rock hard slab, and those fuck me v muscles that lead down to your whalelephant."

"RM," he laughs.

I caress his denim arousal and slowly move my eyes up to him. "Come back inside and take some of that aggression out on me."

"I'm afraid I'll hurt you."

"Suit yourself. I hope I don't break a nail from fingering myself so hard."

Once I'm inside, Madsen comes up behind me and flips me around. He picks me up and slams me into the kitchen cabinets. Neither of us say one word as he frees my favorite muscle of his and fucks me upright against them. His teeth mark spots in my neck as my nails do the same in his.

"So much for your clean jeans."

He laughs when he notices the front of his pants.

"Wanna go back in the shower?" As I watch Madsen trip twice on the way to the bathroom as he's trying to unlace his boots, it chokes me up. Maybe he's not vocal about it, but his passion for me says what he won't. He **does** want me as much as I want him.

* * *

Shit! The sky is getting lighter. I shove Dominic when he almost bumps into me coming out of the bathroom. "Out of the way, dingus! Mister Rogers is on!" Madsen's TV doesn't need the calculator. You just keep turning the knob on the TV until you find it. "Yes," I shout as the song starts. Madsen's TV gets so many more episodes than my video tapes. "Shit, wait, I can't do my shoe laces that fast!" I just stuff them in my boots. "Hi, Neighbor!"

 _Have you ever had an immunization? Some people call it a shot._

"Madie, have I ever had an m-zay-shun?"

He's still half asleep in his chair. "Yes. Watch your program and let me sleep, alright?"

"Shit! You scared the fuck out of me!"

Dominic rests his chin on my shoulder as he watches TV with me. "I'm way too fucked up for this."

"Well, I'm not. For once. Quiet."

"Goddamn, that bitch is hot!"

"She's not a bitch, she's a fucking Lady! Now, shut up! I don't talk when the girls are on the TV in their underwear."

"Shit, is that on?"

"What do you think? It's 5am," Madsen grunts. "Leave her alone."

Dominic loses interest in the show, his loss, and makes food. "I've never seen your girl that interested in anything," he tells Madsen, having a seat on the couch. "You want some of this?"

"No." Instead, Madsen pours himself a drink.

"What is that? It stinks," I grimace, going over to Madsen and sitting in his lap.

"I dunno." Dominic looks it over and takes a few sniffs. "Smells like this girl I had over the other night. I didn't even realize how busted she was until I got her back to my place."

"Shoulda double bagged it," I laugh.

"Come to think of it..." He situates his balls.

"No, bitch, I'm talking about putting a bag on her head and yours. That way if hers falls off, you still have yours."

"I think I'm in love with your girl, Mad."

Madsen sets his gun on the arm of the chair, pointing it towards Dominic.

"Oh, I get it," Dominic laughs. "That's how RM puts up with your old ass."

"Keep talking, Dominic," Madsen threatens.

"Madie is fine as fuck, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Madsen, you're a lucky son of a bitch."

"I know."

"You should thank her. You know, give it to her real good."

Oh, god. That'd be so hot. I'd love it if Dominic watched us.

Madsen, however, has had just about enough.

Dominic realizes he's crossed a boundary and takes off.

"Why do you encourage him, RM?"

"I dunno, that's just how we play."

"It's not amusing, and it's disrespectful to me. You know how you get around Ren."

"Well that's because she wants to fuck you. I'm not trying to fuck Dominic."

"Go start your day. We need to leave for the shop soon."

"Want to help me get clean?" I raise my eyebrows up and down.

"RM, go."

Shit. I don't know why he lets Dominic get under his skin like he does.

...

Madsen is still grumpy well after we get to the shop. He rubs his bloodshot eyes with a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry, RM. I've been under a lot of stress lately."

"Because of me?"

"No. I hope it doesn't feel like I'm taking those stresses out on you."

"I did those books for you and you didn't say anything. I was hoping I'd get like a lap dance or something for it."

"You are not allowed in these books. That is why those efforts went unnoticed. It's for your safety."

"Fine," I sigh. "Why do you keep dazing off? Are you okay today? You look tired, Madie."

"You look beautiful, RM."

"No, I don't, man. Don't brush off my concern."

"Come sit with me."

I climb up on his lap.

"I was thinking about when things were simpler. When this really was a shop full time. And I was tired because it was an honest day's work."

"Do you regret it?"

"No, because it brought me you."

"You always say the most meaningful shit."

"No I don't. What do you always say? That I'm full of it."

"You are full of shit," I smile.

He wipes the coke from my nose. "You don't need this, baby."

I roll my eyes. "Don't call me that. I'm not your baby!"

"Alright, dingus."

"Better," I laugh.

"Christ, I love you, RM."

"You're killing my boner, man."

"You don't have a boner," he laughs.

"Would you still love me if I did?"

Madsen moves me off him.

"Where are you going? Why are you mad?" I follow after him when he refuses to speak. "Madie? Wait!"

"You don't think it hurts me when I tell you how much I care for you and you give me that blank look? But I respect the way you feel, so I don't press it. Don't condescend me and throw it in my face. Would I love you if you had a dick? What kind of a question **is** that?!"

"Whatever, I'm not gonna fight with you. I have better things to do."

He hooks my arm. "What do you want from me? Tell me. What can I do?"

"Leave me alone!" I fling my arm from his and leave the shop.

"RM," he calls after me.

I take a short cut into the woods and run until my legs give. Madsen knows I don't fucking believe in that bullshit. Before him, no one sure as fuck never told me that they loved me. Shit. I'm sobering up. Only a few more miles. Jesus Christ, I'm almost hit by some maniac on the road. I roll my eyes when I see that it's Ducky.

"Hey there, baby girl."

"Gross. Don't fucking call me that."

"Looks like you need a ride."

"They let you drive?"

He opens the truck door so I can hop in.

"Take me to Madsen's, and try to stay on the fucking road this time." Now, I'm not the best with direction, but even I know this is the wrong way. "This isn't the right road." I shove Ducky's hand off me. "Stop touching me."

Ducky pulls over and puts his truck in park.

"No, stop it!" I reach for the handle but he pins me in place. "Don't touch my stockings! Please! No, you're ripping them, stop," I yell in pain.

"Yeah. Squirm, baby girl."

 _Aren't you a peach, baby girl?_

His tongue moves up the side of my cheek as filthy hands touch places that belong to Madsen.

I stop fighting him. There's no point. Instead, I count. Count his twisted laughs. Count the cracks on the interior of the roof. Count the seconds. After one hundred and sixty-two of those, it stops.

He insults me further with a slap to the ass. "The best part? When Madsen's fucking you tonight, you're gonna be thinking about me." He opens the door and I'm shoved out. My clothes are tossed out and Ducky speeds off.

I cough from the exhaust as I scoop up my things. Dominic's house is close. I can shower there. It's Wednesday night so he won't be home and ask questions.

...

Fuck. Of course he doesn't have any soap. As I pull the shower curtain back, I let out a yelp when Dominic startles me.

He's holding my bloody shorts.

"You're home. I thought you'd be at that clam jam-"

"Who touched you?!"

"No one."

"Really? Whose shorts are these?"

"I don't know who you've been parking that pork skin trolley inside."

Dominic breaks his own mirror and takes a step forward. His eyes trail down my legs. "Oh, god."

I whine and cover myself with the shower curtain.

He looks around his bathroom for a minute, then pulls off his shirt. "Here." As he's putting it on me, Dominic loses it and starts to cry.

I've never seen Dominic cry before, but he sobs against my shoulder. "It's okay," I tell him, patting his head.

"Who touched you?"

"I can't tell you because then you'll kill him."

"What are you going to say to Madsen?"

"Nothing. He'll think I'm ruined."

Dominic stands up straight. "RM," he frowns. "Madsen would never think that."

"Do you have any soap?" I don't understand why Dominic is so upset.

He's still softly crying as he searches for the soap.

"Your hand is bleeding."

As he starts to hand me the soap, he keeps his grip on it. "I want to know who it was, RM."

"It's none of your business!" I yank it from his hands and start to wash myself.

Dominic scrubs the blood from my shorts in the sink, then sets them on the ledge of the bathtub to dry off.

"I can't figure out how to work your stupid shower."

He reaches in and turns it off for me. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I shrug, opening the bathroom door.

Madsen scares the fuck out of me. He looks horrified when I come out of the bathroom in only Dominic's shirt.

Dominic wet and right behind me doesn't help. "Uh… Okay, I know this looks bad, but it's not what you-"

Madsen lunges forward and takes a swing at Dominic.

Dominic might be more muscular than Madsen, but Dominic doesn't stand a chance.

It's like Madsen was bred for violence. I don't even know why Madsen carries a gun sometimes because he doesn't need it.

"I'm fucking loyal to you, Mad! I would die for you."

Madsen pulls out his gun, pressing the tip under Dominic's chin. "Alright then. Let's see how much of that is true," Madsen snarls.

"Knock it off," Cheeto yells.

Oh, thank fuck!

"Stay out of it Charlie, you don't know a-"

Cheeto lowers Madsen's gun. "It was Ducky, Madsen."

"No," I scream. How did Cheeto find out?!

Madsen's eyes shift furiously.

"I have him tied up in the back of my truck."

"Stop," I beg as Madsen starts for the front door. It takes Dominic restraining me so I don't chase after him. "Madsen is going to kill him, let go!"

Dominic holds me as I watch horrified.

"Madie, please, no, don't hurt him!"

Ducky is thrown on the ground and a bag of tools is dropped beside him.

"I want to know **everything** you did to her. Every word that was said. Every cry of hers. Every time she told you to stop. Everything."

Ducky gives Madsen a play by play of everything.

"Is that what happened?"

I nod at Madsen's question.

"Charlie, give me my exhaust cutters." Madsen starts to put on gloves.

"No, it's my fault," I whine.

"This is going to be tricky, but I'll figure it out." Madsen makes sure to let Ducky get a good look of the tool over.

I close my eyes because I know exactly how the tool works. Once it's sized snug on the exhaust pipe, it's turned clockwise and counter clockwise. There are several mini blades that saw the pipe in half. Only, this tool is sawing something else.

"Madsen, I'm sorry. Don't hurt me, please!"

"Hold this cowardice dissolute still."

"Madsen, ple- ahhh, oh, Christ!"

"Please," I beg when Ducky starts to scream. "Stop! Please!" I try to cover my ears to block out his howling cries.

Madsen, for once, didn't give a fuck what I wanted and he takes Ducky's manhood after a hundred and sixty-two seconds. The amount of time Ducky forced himself on me.

I thought the torture was over, but it's only half way done.

"What was that you told RM after you forced yourself on her? That when I'm with her tonight she's going to be thinking of you?" Madsen heats up a tire iron until it glows. "I know what you'll be thinking of, you spineless degenerate filth."

"Mad… sen…"

The smell of searing flesh is putrid and I puke on Dominic's floor.

"If you ever come near what's mine again, Ducky, I'm cutting something else off only it's not going in your pocket. Throw him naked and bloody on the side of the road like he did her." Madsen brings back the tire iron before striking Ducky across the mouth with it.

Ducky hits the floor with a loud thud.

I want to cry. This is my fault. My eyes lock on the puddle of blood from Madsen's gloves. When Dominic lets me go, I slap Cheeto and Madsen across the face. "Disgusting!"

Madsen looks back at me in complete shock. "Did you just… strike me?"

"You're goddamn right I did. I never wanna see you again. You or Cheeto!"

"Wait," Madsen calls.

"If you fucking follow me it will not end well. Do you hear me, motherfucker?"

"RM, just talk to me!"

"Dominic," I whine, hiding behind him. "Tell them to leave your house. Now!"

Madsen's eyebrows move upward as his mouth opens. "…RM," his voice trembles.

"Get out. You're not welcome here," I scream at Madsen.

"RM, calm down," Dominic tells me.

I run to Dominic's bedroom and slam his door. I don't know any other way to release this anger that I'm feeling but to throw myself on his bed and scream into the pillow until I've gone hoarse. Actually, I've got something alright.

* * *

Dominic doesn't do drugs, but he drinks pretty heavily. That's the only way I know how to numb my emotions over the next few days. I haven't moved from this fucking bed other than a few times to shit because my stomach is so upset.

Dominic scoots up behind me. "You know you can stay here as long as you want, but you need to go home. Madsen is in a very dark place."

"Fuck him! He's a maniac!"

"I'm not above that shit, RM. If it were up to me, Ducky'd be dead. The only reason my hands aren't bloody is because I was holding you. The thought of another man touching you does something to us. Madsen never would have tortured Ducky otherwise. It's because he loves you."

"I hate when you guys harm people."

"I know you do, but stuff like this can't go unpunished. It ain't fucking right. You got a good thing going with Madsen. Any other man would have been all up in the first meat mitten they could find after you told him to fuck off, but he's been so goddamn fucked up the last few days, he hasn't even shown up at the shop. I get the whole not believing in love shit, trust me, but I also know that if something were to happen to Madsen, it would fucking devastate you. Go to him, RM. Talk the shit out at least."

"Do you think I was too hard on Madsen?"

"I'm not going to tell you how to feel, but I do think that you need to be in his bed. Not mine."

"Will you take me home?"

"Of course."

...

I notice the used needle on the table, then the bottle of whiskey in Madsen's hand.

It drops to the floor as he sits from his slump. "RM?!"

I softly sit on his knee as I knit my nervous hands.

"Christ, I, I thought I'd never see you again."

"I don't regret what I told you, but I regret running to Dominic. I'm sorry."

"None of that matters, I don't care. Can I… Can I touch you?"

"Yes."

The wind is knocked from me when his arms lock around me. His lips press to my shoulder several times, lingering the last one.

"Ducky was rough, Madie."

"I'm so sorry," he cries, taking down the blanket and covering my legs.

"He ripped them," I whine. "They're ruined." How can I ever feel comfortable in new skin if men keep taking them from me? Why do they have to be so rough? Why can't all men be like Madsen? He'd never hurt me like they do.

"I love you."

I'm moved even closer against his body. In his chair is the only time I'm allowed this closeness and only at his discretion. Though, I think tonight would be an exception to his rules. I hope that when I wake up, all this shit is behind us. I just want my legs back…

* * *

"Come on, RM."

"Where are we going?" I get my answer in the most unlikely of places. Madsen took me back to that store he thinks is inappropriate. I gasp at these black star stockings on the mannequin. "Look at these soft legs, Madie!"

"Are these the ones you like?"

I give him an eager nod.

"We'll take these."

"Sorry, these aren't for sale."

Madsen stands up straight, his sternum popping when he folds his arms.

"Oh, did you mean these," the man cowers.

I watch excitedly as he takes them from the mannequin. "Gentle, gentle!"

"Six eighty nine."

Madsen fishes out a ten, then crumbles up the paper money before chucking it on the ground. "Little prick."

"Oh, you fucked up," I giggle.

He snatches the soft legs from the counter. "Let's go, RM."

"Gimmie!"

"No. Walk towards the door."

"Alright," I pout.

...

Madsen has a seat on his bed, my new legs laying over his knee. "Come here, RM."

I'm nervous. I thought he'd give me them so I could put them on in the bathroom.

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes." I grab my pants button when he moves it out of place. "Stop."

"I want you to let me put them on you."

"No, why?!"

"Because we need this to heal. It will be a symbol of getting your innocence back."

"I don't understand what you mean."

"What Ducky did to you was unforgivable, RM."

"I don't need to heal."

"I do! I didn't protect you like a man should. I let Ducky force himself on you just like I let that street dealer when you were a little girl. That's why I took you from Rebel, so no man could ever have his way with you again." He becomes choked up as tears fall against my new legs. "And I failed you as a man. As your protector."

I don't understand why Madsen is so against something like this but Mama would tell me that it's okay. I trust Madsen, but I can't go against Mama. He is so fucking ashamed right now, he won't even look at me even when I try and lift his chin up. "Am I ruined? Do you not want me anymore?"

"Christ, RM, don't say that. You are not a ruined woman, and there is **nothing** you could do to make me not want you. I love you unconditionally."

I don't know what unconditionally means, but that sounds like a fucking lot. When I touch his cheek, it makes my hand look even smaller.

Madsen turns his head some and presses his lips to my fingers.

"I'm ready." Now it's me who's ashamed of standing vulnerable in front of him with nothing to hide my hip scars. As he looks each one over, I'm reminded of the men who did it.

 _Aren't you a peach, baby girl?_

Fuck them all. Fuck them for making me feel like this. "Please hurry," my brittle voice begs.

He moves me close to him, pressing his lips to each one of the scars.

I close my eyes to trap my tears until he presses his lips to a place I don't remember one being. Of course… the one Ducky left. I watch as Madsen cleans the still fresh wound. Madsen might not have been able to stop Ducky, but maybe he can keep this scar from being another painful reminder of what happened. I sit on his lap like he asks and he slowly slides the sheer material over my foot. "Yeah, Madie." He's so gentle with my new legs as he works them up my skin with precision. I slide off his knee so he can inch them up into place. Then my shirt is dropped to the floor.

"Let me see you in your new legs."

"Do you like them," I ask shyly.

His rough hands scratch against the material. "Yes, I do."

I'm moved back on his bed as his lips touch every bit of material. Even between my legs. I close my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his warm breath against me. It's brief, but it means so much to me because I know he doesn't like that kind of affection. I feel a tug against the fabric before Madsen stretches over me. "Oh," I moan as he eases into me. Not that he doesn't always, but Madsen makes this night about me. Makes sure that I am satisfied in every way possible before finding his release. "Thank you for these beauties, Madie." That's what they are. Beautiful. Breathtaking. A symbol of us.

He touches his lips against my temple, letting them linger.

I feel safe under him like this, but know it won't last because he isn't one to cuddle or any of that bullshit. "Just a little longer."

His lips move to my ear. "I can't, RM. I'm sorry."

"Okay," I smile weakly. There's a lot of things about Madsen that make me question his past. Like the fact that his pants always stay on when we fuck. Like he's hiding something on his hips, too. Or these weird scars I will find on him. The touching, and his opposition towards it. The one thing that always gets me is how distant he is after sex. He'll go shower and groom, leaving me alone for quite some time. He's always present while we're having sex, just never after. Tonight is different.

He makes a small effort by grabbing my hand and letting it settle on his stomach.

It's emotional for me because I know I'm in a position that no one else has been. However, it's a very tough night for Madsen. I wake him up after the third nightmare.

The bed is soaking wet when he moves from his spot.

After what seemed like an hour, I go after him. The door is locked, and even after I manage to pick it open, he's wedged something so I can't actually open it. I feel so fucking helpless because I can hear his muffled cries over the water. Like his hands are pressed to the wall and he's sobbing into the crook of his elbow. This is my fault. If I didn't ask him to show me some type of affection, he wouldn't be this fucked up. I've been using long enough that after his shower, I know he's in there shooting up just by the sounds. I use because I like the way I feel. He uses because it's how he copes. I'm so fucking fearful that if something happens to him on the other side of this door there's no fucking way I could get to him and I'll lose him forever. Maybe I don't fucking believe in love and all that bullshit, but I do care for this motherfucker. I return to his bed because if he finds me at that door, I know he'll be upset. Chonsey is my only comfort as we wait until he finally comes out of the bathroom. I thought he was done using, but he shoots up again once he has a seat. "Madie, stop," I whine.

"I'm sorry that I can't be stronger for you."

"You are strong! You're the strongest man I know."

"I'm a coward. I hate myself for using in front of you. It's just… I need this, RM."

"What can I do for you?"

"Take Chonsey and go watch your program, alright?"

So once again I'm right back in the spot I was earlier. Not knowing if he's fucking dead in that bed or what. This is the worst night of my life as I wait for him to come out of that room. I didn't watch any of my video tape. I just kept restarting it once it was over. This happened four times before I finally go after him. On top of all the drugs, there's an empty bottle at his feet. "I'm here for you, okay?" I ease down on the bed beside him.

"I want you to be with a man who can give you everything you need."

"Stop talking like this. You do give me everything."

"What happens when you want more? When you **need** more?"

"I need **you**."

Madsen lays his head in my lap.

For once, I get to take care of him which I don't think anyone ever has before. Madsen has given so much to others. Turned people's lives around. All he's ever asked in return is for loyalty. My grip on him tightens when the moon moves from the window and the darkness swallows him up. I feel as if I'm alone. Holding onto this giant lifeless pillow.

Madsen takes a labored breath and sits up as if he sensed my unease. "Lay down, alright?" He kisses my forehead.

Now I understand what he means because I have never wanted affection until this moment. Madie is everything to me. When his hand rests on my hip in an attempt to comfort me, it's good enough for me and fills my void. And I have Chonsey, too.

* * *

Madsen's groan wakes me up which means one of two things. Either he's still sleeping off the drugs or… "What do you want, kid?"

Or Specs is hovering over Madsen. "S- sorry, Mister Madsen." Specs adjusts his glasses, followed by his annoying humming in the back of his throat. "R- RM. You awake?"

"I am now, dingus!" Why Specs goes over to Madsen's side is beyond me.

"I'm just really excited!"

I know Specs has been looking forward to Burning Man for months now.

"I made Chonsey a little leash so you don't lose him in the desert."

"Aww, thanks Specs," I smile, sitting out of bed.

"R- RM?!" Specs covers his glasses. "I'll- I'll be outs-s-s-s-ide!"

"What? Get used to it. There's no rules at this Burning Man and I plan to be naked all week!"

"RM," Madsen scolds at my nudity.

I laugh at Madsen when he shoots me a glare.

"Suddenly you're an expert on Burning Man when a few months ago you didn't even know what it was?"

"It's called research, duh."

"Sounds like Dominic has been in your head."

"He said they have this thing called the orgy dome. Will you go in it with me?"

"Absolutely not."

"You say that now."

"That's enough, RM."

"They have a couple's side for just the two of us. I think you'll change your mind."

"I know I won't."

He will. I always get what I want. **Always**.

* * *

Oh, fuck me. My eyes trail Madsen's toned arms as he works on this motorcycle. It's been a while since I've seen him pick up a wrench. He looks so good. Especially as the muscles stiffen when he tightens something. I'd love nothing more than greasy hand prints on my beauties. The look he gives me when I'm finally discovered makes me melt. Like it's always the first time he sees me.

"Pervert."

"What's that?"

"That was my attempt at humor."

Damn. Madie rarely tries to joke with me and I've fucked it up.

"It's behavior that's not really normal. Sexual behavior that is."

"Oh, like how I want your torque wrench in my drawer all the time?"

"No," he laughs. "Like how you're standing there watching me."

"Not acceptable?"

"Yes, like that."

I guess how sometimes I secretly hope someone is watching us.

"Did I hurt your feelings?" His greasy fingers moves some hair from my face.

I shake my head no. "How did you get like so smart? You know a lot of words."

Madsen has a seat and pulls me on his lap.

"Do you have something in your eye?" I run my fingers across his cheek.

"Stop, please," he begs, lowering my hand.

It flashes me back to the day we met and he had something in his eye then.

"Smart? No, RM. This is common knowledge." Madsen ties one of my boots for me. "Your mother neglected you. It was things she should have taught you. Sent you to school at the least!"

I shove his hands off me.

"Wait!"

"No! Leave Mama alone! It's not her fault I'm fucking stupid!"

"This most certainly is one hundred percent her fault that you lack the basic knowledge needed to-"

"Enough! I won't stand here and let you talk about Mama like this!"

"RM, get back here!"

I run to the end of the shop drive. Luckily, someone gives me a ride to the Velvet Clam because I don't remember it being this far.

 _Next to the stage is Rebel…_

"Mama?" Damn, she looks good but she's always looked good.

She adjusts her top that she's spilling out of. "Thought you fucking died in a fire or some shit?"

"No, these men took me to their house and I lived there for a few years."

"Where's Madsen the all fucking mighty?"

"We got in a fight."

"You stupid girl. What did I always tell you?"

"Trust no man."

"Out of my way. Boss ain't paying me to talk."

"Well, I got some of that paper money stuff. If I paid you, could we talk?" I fish the wads of paper out of my front pocket.

She swipes it all and puts it down her bra. "Maybe after my shift I can spare a minute."

"Okay, Mama," I smile, and eagerly wait for the hours to pass. I'm kicked out from the club after five hours. The new owner and bouncer are dicks. I was always welcome before. Fuck.

...

"Mama," I call when her shift finally ends.

"Move," she dismisses me.

"Can we talk now?"

"Rebel, what is this shit?" A man points at me as she gets into his car.

"Mama," I yell after the car. I stand in the empty alley as if she'll come back, but she doesn't.

Madsen kills his motorcycle behind me.

"She left me. I begged her to stay but she..." My eyes well up as I clear my throat. "Whatever."

"Come here, RM."

I want to tell him to go fuck himself, but something about those words always brings the submissive side of me out.

"Waiting for her has always been a constant in your life."

"You're not making me feel any better."

"I will not coddle you. Not when it comes to that woman."

"Go fuck yourself."

"You do not want to threaten me."

"Yeah? Gonna have Cheeto take care of it? Bury me behind a rest stop?"

"I have never nor will I ever raise a hand to you."

"Leave me alone."

"I'm not going to leave you when I hear gunshots two streets over."

"Well, fortunately, I'm not your problem."

Madsen hooks my arm. "You'd throw what we have away for her?!"

"You just stayed with me because you felt sorry for me."

"I am not in this alley because I feel sorry for you. I am here because I love you, RM. I don't like it when I watch you beg that woman to pay you attention and she tells you she doesn't have the time."

"She's busy."

"If you're going to keep defending her, this conversation is over."

"You're pissing me off!" I stamp my foot.

"Stop this right now. Do you understand me?"

"I'm sorry," I whine.

"Get on my bike. We're going home."

"Fine, but I ain't happy."

"You'll get over it." Madsen makes me sit in front of him. Maybe he thought I'd hop off at a light or something.

I fold my arms with a pout the entire ride, until I realize he's taken me to Mama's house.

"I'll be out here."

I twist around on the bike. "Madie! I'm going to suck your dick so good for this."

He gives me a breathed laugh. "Don't keep me waiting too long then."

"I'm sorry that I was ugly to you."

"There is nothing your mother could do that would make me think any different of her, but I shouldn't have taken my frustration with her out on you so I'm sorry. Go on now."

I hurry into the house realizing the last time I was here was the day Madsen took me. Nothing's changed. "Mama," I call.

She's passed out on the couch. That man that took her home left her naked.

I cover her with the sheet from her bed.

"Drugs first," she mumbles.

"I don't have any drugs. It's me rude motherfucker." I have a seat beside her. "Madsen cut this man's balls off for touching me. How come it's not okay for some men to touch you, but okay for others?"

"All men have the right to touch you. I told you that. My daddy did the same to me. Might as well get something from them. Go get Mama a beer."

I feel even worse about Ducky now. It was his right to touch me and I got his balls taken away.

"That's what you wanted to talk about?"

"No." I hand her the can. "I just missed you."

She moves her eyes up as the corner of her lip coils upward. "Come home. Just us, like things used to be. All the drugs you want, baby."

It chokes me up and I don't know what to do.

"Here," she burps. "For your can collection."

I set it down next to one of the piles she's started. She must be so high that she thinks I'm still living here. I guess that's good that she passes out. If she asked me again, I don't know if I'll have the will power to say no. "Bye, Mama." I fall through one of the steps on the way down and snag my beauties. It doesn't even faze me.

Madsen looks my leg over concerned that the nail that snagged me is going to give me some type of infection so he takes me to the doctor. In Madsen's world, he can't just go to the ER when he gets stabbed or shot. That's why we have Doctor Williams.

"Don't touch my beauties," I snarl, moving my legs up to my chest.

"RM, he needs to see."

"I don't give a shit!"

Doctor Williams instructs Madsen on what to do because I am not in the fucking mood for this shit.

"She'll be alright."

"Are you certain?"

"Yes, Madsen. RM, I thought you might like this." Doctor Williams puts this picture of an alien on my hand.

I hop down from the table and start for the door.

"RM," Madsen calls.

I'm exhausted, and I just want to go home and lay down.

"What's wrong, baby?"

"I'm not your baby!"

"Doctor Williams got that sticker especially for you. That was kind of rude of you to walk out like that."

"I don't care," I murmur.

"RM, you need to show some compassion sometimes, alright? Do you know what that is?"

"Like how I wanna suck your dick all the time?"

"No, that's passion. Compassion is showing a sympathetic side towards another person. Like how you are with Specs."

"That's because Specs can't protect himself, so I have to."

"You need to have that attitude with everyone."

"You're not compassionate."

"I know I'm not, but I'm trying to better you. So you don't make the same mistakes that I do. You have come a long way since I've known you, and it's because you've worked hard to get there. This is just one more thing that you need to work at."

He's just angering me because he, once again, is implying that Mama didn't do a good job raising me. Mama did the best she can, and how dare he attack her! "I don't give a goddamn about this stupid picture! Fuck compassion!" I rip it from my hand but it won't get off my fingers. I scream in frustration, wiping it on the ground.

Madsen sighs, standing up straight. "What did Rebel say to you, RM?"

"Nothing!"

"RM, stop this tantrum right now. I mean it. I asked you a question, and I want an answer."

"Fuck!" I don't know how he's so smart all the fucking time, but Madsen always knows what's going on in my head. "Mama wants me to come home."

"Well, are you?" He's so hurt and betrayed.

"I wish there was two of me so I could please everyone. What-fucking-ever. I want to go home."

Madsen has never slept as close to me as he did that night. I know it's because if I move to sneak off in the middle of the night it would wake him up when I get out of the bed. I just feel like I'm letting everyone down. Especially Mama. That's all I've ever been to Mama. A disappointment.

* * *

I had this really awful nightmare. It makes me feel a little better about staying with Madsen though. My stomach always hurt when I lived with Mama. Luckily, Madsen takes my mind off that dream with some shower fucking. I'm dirtier than before I got in! Heh.

"I took today off. What do you want to do?"

All the times I've asked Madsen to stay home he's never done it before so I know he's getting worried I might leave for Mama's. "Suck you off, then fuck."

"We already did that."

"So?"

"As much as I enjoy being inside you, we can't do that all day," he laughs.

There's a knock on the door before it opens. I'm surprised to see Dominic show up at Madsen's. The two haven't really spoke since everything went down after that shit with Ducky.

"You got a minute, Mad?"

I hate seeing Madsen and Dominic at odds.

"I was in some pretty deep shit. Going nowhere. You gave me a real chance at life, and you didn't have to. I'd never betray you. I'm sorry, but that's the way her and I play. It doesn't make it right. You're my brother, Madsen. Maybe not by blood, but our bond goes deeper. What I said that day is how I feel. I'd die for you."

Oh, fucking fuck me. I need a spare change of beauties when I watch these two hug. Dominic's head bowed on Madsen's shoulder. Madsen's hand on the back of Dominic's head. I'm rubbing one out to that later, goddamn! There's just something about two alpha males having that respect for one another. My mind trails off so far into the gutter, I don't even realize Dominic has left until Madsen speaks.

His eyebrow creeps upward. "You think I don't know when you're turned on?"

"Are you mad," I flush. Oh my god, I'm fucking mortified right now and bury my face in my hands.

"I guess that depends just what it is that's got you so worked up."

"I'm so fucking embarrassed."

"Let's have it."

"Isn't this punishment enough?"

"Hardly," he grins as smoke rolls from his mouth.

"You're two alpha males touching each other. What's there not to like?"

He slowly shakes his head side to side.

Damn, he took that well… and he's still smiling, too. "Do you have fantasies?" What a stupid fucking question. What if it's something that I'm the complete opposite of?

"Everyone does."

"What is yours?"

"I want to sleep until noon without that kid standing over me calling out your name."

"Madie," I frown.

"What," he laughs.

"Tell me!"

"What's yours?"

"Your deep fuck me voice moaning in my ear."

Madsen chokes on his cigarette. "Christ, RM," he coughs.

"It's the truth."

"Only you could make me blush."

"How many women have you fucked?"

"RM, stop."

"I wanna know."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do. When you asked if I had been with any other men I told you."

"That's different."

"Come on, Madie."

"A lot." He's ashamed. "When you do what I do, there's no shortage of willing women."

"How come it's been so long since you've been with a woman then?"

"Truthfully, from the moment I saw you in that bed I've never been the same. Then my life became about you. There wasn't really a lot of time for women in between baths, rap songs, and Mister Rogers."

"Did you think we'd ever end up together?"

"No."

"I knew we would," I smile.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I mean look at me. I'm hot as shit."

"You are beautiful."

"No, Madie, I don't want to be beautiful. I wanna be sexy! Like those women that come into your office."

"Those women are nothing but some slattern whore you empty into and hope you don't catch anything."

"It doesn't turn you on?"

"No."

"What's so great about me?"

"Come here."

Something about those words and I'm his, already at his feet ready to do whatever he desires.

Madsen is such a good man, he'd never use it against me. "Sit."

"No, tell me."

He leans back in his chair with a smirk.

"Wipe that stupid look off your face!"

"Don't you see, RM?"

I shake my head no.

"Everyone does what I say, when I say it. But you're not like that, are you?"

"No. You're my property."

"That is what is so great about you. Defiant enough to turn me on."

"Fuck," I pant.

"Yet you're just submissive enough."

"What do you mean?"

"I want you to undress, and then you will wait for me in bed."

"Yes, Madsen."

His eyes lock with mine when I drop my last piece of clothing to the ground.

"Wait a fucking minute. Did you just use pervert mind powers on me or something?"

"I did, and you were a very good girl."

"You're making my beauties wet."

"Let me see."

I reach between my legs, then show him.

He takes me by the wrist, pulling me one step towards him as his tongue trails along my middle finger.

All I can manage is some whimper. When I give him my index to lick clean, he shakes his head side to side.

"I'll let you decide what to do with the rest."

I mount my dominating silhouette of perfection, ready to take all of him.

He's quick to take me to the floor, the cigarette still loose between his lips. "Let's see how many times I can make you come undone."

Oh, fuck me. Is he serious? Because here's number one...

* * *

While Madsen makes his coffee at the gas station, I start the morning ritual of gathering everyone's breakfast. One Monster energy drink for Specs. A Dr. Pepper for Cheeto. A titty magazine for Dominic. And the biggest bag of Cheetos I can find for me. After we pay, I put all the stuff in my bag, then hold Madsen's coffee while we ride to the shop.

Specs' eyes light up when I give him the can. This boy loves Monster energy drink. In fact, Specs did a few months in jail for stealing five hundred and seventy-six cans of it.

"Here's your utter magazine." I fling the filth at Dominic's head.

"I'll be in my office," Dominic snickers, closing the bathroom door.

"Gimmie some of those Cheetos."

"Okay," I smile, tilting the bag towards Cheeto.

"Hey, kid."

"Yes, Mister Madsen?"

"Go flip the breaker for the electricity in the bathroom."

"Right away."

I don't really understand why Cheeto and Madsen are laughing.

"Come the fuck on," Dominic shouts. He comes out of the bathroom, buttoning his pants. "I'm going to the diner to fire one off." He tucks the magazine under his arm and takes off for the diner.

Unbelievable. Since when is he shy about choking his cheeto at the shop?

* * *

I try to look over Madsen's shoulder to see what he's doing. "No, that's wrong. It's twenty, not twenty-one."

"RM, what did I tell you about these books? Stay out of them." He slams it shut.

"Damn, sorry. What's wrong, Madie? You seem really irritated today."

He runs his knuckles along his jawline of three day old stubble. "RM, I really need you to watch your program so I can get some work done, please." Madsen has this thing about hygiene, and grooming. He hasn't had the time to oil his boots. Wash clothes. Shave.

It's time I step up. Do some stuff around the house. "No, that's okay. I'll see you tonight, Madie."

...

Specs and I both stand in Madsen's clothes bathroom, arms folded. "Specs, we gotta figure this clothes bathtub out."

"It seems… wait, what are you doing?"

"They ain't gonna wash themselves."

"You can't dump them all in."

"Why the hell not?"

"Well, I believe that there's certain cycles you use for certain clothing."

"Damn, there's a lot of rules to clothes bathing."

"You oil his boots and I'll try and figure the contraption out."

"Good idea." I'm almost done with Madsen's third pair of Red Wing's when Specs comes running in the living room.

"I've made a terrible mistake."

"Oh my god, what's wrong with your body?!" Specs is covered in all this white shit. It reminds me of the water when I take a bath.

"I don't know! Get it off my body! Please, RM."

"It's okay. Don't cry! Does it hurt?"

"No, I'm just really scared it's going to devour me."

"Maybe if you like run really fast it will come off your body?"

"Okay," he snivels, starting to run in circles.

"It's working! Keep running. It's almost gone." Goddamn, we're in way over our fucking heads. It only gets worse. Once I go in the room with the clothes bathtub, my eyes widen. "That ghost jizz stuff is everywhere! Is there a bathtub calculator to turn this shit off?!"

Chonsey comes scampering in to see all the commotion.

"No! Get out of here!" I pass Chonsey off to Specs because he hates being wet.

"What are we going to do, RM? Mister Madsen is going to be so mad!"

"Madie doesn't get mad. We'll think of something."

"It just keeps pouring out of the clothes bathtub!"

"Wait, I got a fucking idea! Madsen's shop-vac!" I wheel this bastard in from the shed. After twenty minutes of trying to figure out how to turn it on, it starts up. "It's working! Look, it's sucking this shit up!"

"RM, you're so smart!"

"Okay, we'll just leave this running. Are your glasses okay?"

"Yes, thank you."

Hmm, after the bathtub's alarm went off, all of Madsen's jeans still had that stuff on them. "Oh! Let's put them in the real bathtub."

Specs trips twice on the dripping water from the clothes.

I almost break my fucking neck sliding on it myself. "Fuck! Why is this so goddamn hard?!"

"I don't know. Is it always this hard?"

"Shit! Fuck!" Oh, goddamn this day…

...

"RM, the last time you had that look we singed our eyebrows off."

"Alright, but hear me out. I wanna go inside."

"You're not supposed to, RM. Look at the sign on the warmer. It even says _RM, don't go in the warmer_. It's Madsen's writing. Hmm, he must not know you can't read."

"Pfff. Just push the button when I say." This is going to be so much fucking fun. And my clothes will be dry once I'm done. "Okay, now!" I brace the walls. There's a jerk that throws me forward. "Ow, fuck! I don't like this," I scream.

"RM, I can't stop it!"

It's so fucking hot! I can't breathe! "Ow!" Finally, the fucking hatch gives and I tumble out on the floor.

Specs hovers over me.

My head is still spinning. "Whoa."

"What's going on in here?" Madsen helps me up.

Specs crouches down and covers Chonsey's head. "Please don't put us behind the rest stop, Mister Madsen."

"Kid, stand up." Madsen reaches inside the warmer and pulls his jeans out. "You washed my clothes?"

"RM oiled your boots, too."

"You two did this for me?"

We both give Madsen a nod.

Madsen's smile almost knocks me on my ass again.

"Thank you, that means a lot to me."

"You're not mad," Specs asks.

"No," Madsen laughs. "But for the record, my jeans do not go in the dryer, and neither do you," he smirks, leaving the room.

"I thought it was a good idea," I pout. I narrow my eyes at Chonsey. "I think he's laughing at me. Don't judge me, you cocksucker!" I show Chonsey my mean face before growling at him.

He rears back on his hind legs and brings up his two front legs.

"He looks pissed, RM. Maybe you should take him."

"Eh, his venom isn't that bad. Just swells a bit."

"He bites?!"

I laugh, taking Chonsey from Specs before he pisses his pants. "Besides, his hair would hurt more than a bite."

"Where did you get Chonsey?"

"He was Madie's. One day, I was really upset and Madie showed me Chonsey to calm me down."

"Where'd he get Chonsey?"

"From this drug dealer in Brazil. That's where the black tarantulas are native to."

"RM, tell Specs goodbye."

"Well, why? We're having fun."

Madsen leans over, pressing his lips to my ear. "I want to thank you properly."

"Bye, Specs," I shout, swiping Madsen's hand.

* * *

I watch Madsen shave with his straight razor. It doesn't take long to lose interest as my eyes move down to the bulge in his pajama pants. I like how it's still hard even after we fuck like he can't wait to go again. "Madie, how old are you?"

"Forty-six."

My eyes trail that hard slab muscled stomach of his. Shit, I'm getting turned on again. He's so fucking fine.

"Does it bother you?"

"No way. I'm ready to go again."

"Tonight," he smirks, wiping his face off.

Oh, shit, not his pomade. I love the smell of it. "Is it tonight yet?"

He dries his hands, then steps in front of me. His fingers run along my lips.

I lick along the side of his thick thumb.

Madsen reaches down in his pajama pants and pulls himself free.

Yes. My lips lock around that triumphant bastard. I know just what he likes.

"Other people need to use the goddamn bathroom," Dominic shouts.

"Fuck off," I yell. "Oh, no, Madie!"

"Sorry, I just can't." He puts himself back in his pants.

I think I finally have a reason to hurt someone. Jesus, does Dominic ever go home? That fucker is always here.

Madsen gives Dominic a grunt before he starts for his room.

Dominic has no shame and pisses with me in the room. "I sent what's-her-tits home. You wanna finish me off?"

"No way, I ain't putting that pig skin trolley in my mouth. It'll chip a fucking tooth." I swear, that thing should be marked as display only.

"RM," Madsen calls.

I shut his bedroom door behind me. "Yeah?"

He's pointing at the cigarette burn on his mattress.

"Oops. I was really fucked up last night."

"What happens when I come home and the house is..." Madsen's eyes drift to the side a bit. "I'm going to be late."

"But you own the-" The door shuts before I can finish. "…shop."

...

I'm so fucking high right now, I don't know what is going on. I almost drown in the goddamn bathtub but, like he has so many times in my life, Madsen saves me. He pats my back a few times as I cough, gasping for a breath.

"Say something!"

I wipe the water from my eyes. "Are you angry with me?"

He sighs relieved, touching my cheek. "Christ, no, RM. I'm sorry for the way I talked to you this morning. I should have never left the way I did."

"Are you worried I'm going to catch the mattress on fire?" Fuck, his face right now. "I'm sorry, Madie. I didn't think!"

"I love you, and I worry about you."

"I won't smoke in the bed again, I swear!"

He lowers his head and starts to sob.

"I'm sorry!" I wrap my arms around him, letting him cry against my chest.

"I thought I lost you in that fire."

"I'm here."

Madsen presses his lips to mine as he takes me to our bed.

I move my knees up, accepting his hard length. What I don't realize is this is the last time we'll ever fuck. I also don't expect him to hold me. It's unlike him in every way. Like he knows our time is up. I don't think he slept that night. Truthfully, I don't sleep that much, either. It's hot and uncomfortable.

The more the room fills with light that morning, the tighter his grip gets. He presses his lips to my shoulder. "I need to get ready."

I feel like he just got home and now he has to leave. Our time is getting more and more rare these days. I'm overthinking things. I need to let it go.

...

"Baby, come here."

"Not your baby."

Madsen sighs and sits next to me on the floor. "RM." He stills the crayon in my hand. "I want you to take what I'm about to tell you very seriously. If something ever happens to me, you stay close to Charlie. He will always protect you, RM."

I move my hand from his and start to color again.

"RM-"

"Yeah, yeah, man, I got it."

"This is important to me!"

"Okay," I frown at his tone.

"Promise me."

"I promise, Madie."

His eyes flood as he becomes choked up. "I love you so much."

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Madie."

"I need to get going."

...

I finally finish my drawing and hold it up in triumph. When it's lowered, I'm startled to see Ren. "You scared me."

"RM, it's Rebel. She's sick."

"Sick?"

"Yeah, she-"

"That's enough," Madsen snaps. "Get out of my house."

Ren glares at Madsen. "She has a right to fucking know is all I'm saying."

Cheeto comes in Madsen's trailer. "It's time, Mad. We gotta move on this now."

"Ren can take me to Mama's house," I tell Madsen.

"No!" Madsen shuts the door before I can go. "RM, you're not leaving."

"But I have to!"

"I said no. Respect right? We talked about this, and when did I tell you I'd dictate your actions? When it comes to your safety and well-being."

"We don't have time for this," Cheeto interrupts.

I move from Madsen's grip. "I have to go."

"Mad, we've been working towards this deal for years. If you walk out to chase after some girl, it's over."

"I don't give a fuck about any of this! I will not lose her, and she is **not** just **some** girl, Charlie."

He's never raised his voice since I've known him, or said the F word of all words. It paralyzes me.

Madsen comes running out of the house over to me.

"I have to go to her. She's sick," I frown as my eyes well up.

"RM, I am begging you. Do not go to that woman."

"I'm not leaving you. I just need to check on her. Help her get better."

"Please," he panics, getting on his knees.

I thought the yelling frightened me, but a submissive Madsen is worse. "Don't make me choose."

"Then let me do it. As much as I despise that libertine, if it means you not going back to her I will do it."

"What about the shop and-"

"I don't care about any of that. Christ, if I had known it was going to lead up with you going back to her after everything, I would have given up the shop a long time ago. Taken you as far away as I could get."

"You're saying hurtful things!"

"You don't realize that what she's doing to you is wrong!"

"Mama said that a man can-"

"No, RM. No man has the right to touch you. That is rape. It's the worst thing someone can do to someone else."

"No, murder is! Which no one seems to ever have a problem with around here. You just bury your problems behind a rest stop!"

"I am not a perfect man. Not even close and I know, when the time comes, I will burn in hell for the things I have done. You are the only thing in my life that I have done right by. Please, do not go. I will do anything that you want. **Anything**. I'll never harm another person. You can say ain't all you want. I'll even let you leave those marks on me."

"Stop it, please. This isn't about us, Madie. If something happens to her because I ignored her sickness, that blood is on my hands. I can't allow that."

"Then I'm going with you."

Mama and Madsen in the same house will not end well, but I'm wasting time arguing with him when she could be in real danger. Even if I tell him no, he's going to follow me so I agree to let him come.

Mama launches her ash tray right at Madsen as soon as he steps foot in the house.

"Don't throw things at him," I yell at Mama.

"The fuck? You've got a lot of nerve bringing this son of a bitch in my house."

"Mama, he's-"

"Shut up, you rude motherfuc-"

Madsen hauls off and slaps the shit out of her before she can finish my name.

"Stop it," I beg. "You both are old enough to know not to act like this, and you're scaring Chonsey."

Mama stumbles from the couch to her bedroom.

"I need to talk to Rebel for a minute," Madsen tells me.

"If you harm her in any way, I will never forgive you." I'm a nervous wreck the entire time they're in her bedroom talking. It must have been at least an hour.

Madsen's unnerved when he gets back. It's anything but his usual expression. He's even fumbling for his cigarettes before he has a seat in the recliner. "Come sit with me, alright?"

"What's wrong, Madie?" I try and sit at his feet, but I'm hoisted up on his lap. I rest my head against his chest.

"I love you. More than you'll ever know, RM."

"I like you a lot." I can feel his tears hit my hair, but I don't say anything. Does it bother him this much that I'm back with Mama? It upsets my stomach thinking about how maybe he really did kill her and that's why he's acting like this because he knows our time would be up then.

Chonsey crawls up Madsen's leg before resting in my lap. Even he can sense the tension.

I tuck my drawing in Madsen's front pocket. "I made this for you, but you can't open it until the morning. Okay?"

He nods, his eyes overflowing with tears. "Do you remember that trash squirrel with no tail and the matted fur you used to play with when you were a little girl?"

"Troglodytes Aedon?"

"How did you come up with that name?"

"It's King Friday's bird from Mister Rogers. What about him?"

"I was so lost that day wondering if I had done the right thing by taking you from Rebel. As we left that store, I remember you giggled trash squirrel and ran over to play with it. That thing hated everyone but you. It saw the goodness in you, RM. Don't ever lose that about yourself. Don't let this world corrupt you, or change you into something you hate. You never know who just might change their wicked ways because of your innocence."

Fuck. He's making my eyes sweaty. I wish I knew those would be my last words to him. I would have thought of something better to say…

* * *

 **A/N Wow, you're still here? Thank you to all who stuck around and read this chapter. If you don't mind, I'd like your thoughts on my OC's. If there was a particular one you enjoyed, maybe? It'd really mean a lot to me. Thank you.**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N Thanks for all the feedback on the flashback chapter! I really love that chapter so it meant a lot it was perceived well. I'm going to recall some events from it in this one, especially the ending. Negan and RM have a lot of healing to do so this chapter will seem a little somber.**

* * *

 _ **Sillage** (n.) The scent that lingers in the air, the trail left in water, the impression made in space after something or someone has been and gone; the trace of someone's perfume. _

* * *

I wipe my sweaty eyes from that dream. It felt so fucking real. The painful truth is that it isn't. This is my life, and if I don't start living it, I might as well be dead. I bury my nose in his pillow and inhale as deep as I can. God, I miss this fucker so much. Everything about him was absolute perfection. I dry my face when the door creaks open. What I'd give for Madsen's routine right now. Instead, I get this dumpy motherfucker.

"You awake?"

"Leave me alone."

"I know you're in a shit fuck mood, but get over it. We need to get it the fuck together or we're going to die."

He says that like it's a bad thing. Then I could be with my Madie.

"You think it'd be too much trouble if I used his straight razor? Or is that forbidden, too?"

"You do what you want anyhow."

"That's bullshit."

"I begged you to stay! I fucking told you not to leave me, and look what happened!?"

"Oh no. Don't blame this fucking shit on me. You're the weak bitch that can't say no to drugs. I must be out of my fucking mind to try and help you get sober again."

"Yeah, yeah, weak bitch. Druggie cunt. Blah blah fucking blah. I didn't ask for your help the first time, and I'm not asking for it now. Get the fuck out." It really pisses me off that all of Madsen's drugs are gone. Wait until I get my hands on something. This area has drugs hidden in every corner, and it's only a matter of time until I find them.

* * *

I had a spare pair of DM's from when I lived with Madie and a shirt so I didn't have to use this fuck's jacket anymore. The only thing I don't have are a pair of stockings. I'm an idiot for ripping my beauties. There's a few things that I want before I leave Madsen's house because it's too painful to stay here. My crayons. His black bandana that would frequent his back pocket. One box of black nitrile gloves. My video tape. And this beauty. I hold up the plastic miniature alien and start to smile.

 _Madie! I'm sorry._

 _I know you are, RM._

 _Will you forgive me?_

 _I want you to have your own opinion. Even if it conflicts with mine. I know I've faltered you, and it upsets me because you don't need another disappointing man in your life._

 _You're perfect in my eyes._

 _I am far from it._

"That's a cool alien," Negan comments.

I hurry and stuff it down in my pocket, then put my backpack on.

"Figured you wouldn't want to stay here after everything."

Guess he's coming with. Wherever it is we're going. "You can get a spare change of clothes for the road if you want."

"I kinda took one of his razors," Negan flushes.

I shrug my shoulders. "Doesn't matter. He's not going to need it." While Negan goes to rummage through his closet, I look for Madie's gun case. I know his gun was with him, but there should be some ammunition. Maybe we could trade that or something. Only… "The fuck." It's all gone. I sigh heavily. Of course it's all gone. If I ever find the son of a bitch who took all of Madsen's things, I might break my rule on killing. Motherfucker.

"I'm ready."

Yeah, I figured Negan would be in that fucking black button up with pearl snaps on it that I used to love Madsen in. Goddammit.

* * *

It has been so long since I've been in this area, I can't remember where the hell I'm going. I'm pretty good at acting like it though. Fooled Negan at least. We end up crashing at this one place close to town. I'm so fucking hungry, and that's a rarity.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm making crab traps."

"Out of laundry baskets and zip ties? RM, stop wasting your energy on this shit."

I mock him with an ugly expression as I continue making the trap. We'll see how shitty he is when I have fresh blue crab. I take a can of trash squirrel food from my bag and puncture it a few times. It's extra smelly from how old it is. Shit, I gotta hurry before the tide. Excellent. Now to wait.

…

"RM, the fuck?!"

"Huh? What?" I must have dozed off by the water.

"I've been looking-"

"Here, make yourself useful." I hand him the line.

"What'd I tell you about this shit?"

"Just pull on the goddamn line and retrieve my fucking trap!" Fucking baby. God, I can't wait for this cocksucker to eat his words. Yes! Looks like a good haul.

"Unbe-fucking-lievable."

There's six. Plenty for us.

"How in the shit?"

There's that dumb expression I wanted.

Owl eyes. Parted lips. Dropped guard.

"I fished a lot in my life. It's the easiest, and free. Give me my trap."

"I'll carry it for you."

I don't know if I trust him. He'll probably fuck something up. Thankfully, he doesn't.

"Jesus Christ, what are you doing?!"

"Stop it!" I swipe the tool back from him. "This is the most humane way to kill a crab."

"Just drop them in the boiling water."

"Would you want to be dropped in boiling water, huh, dumpy?"

His face lights up. "You called me dumpy."

I scrunch mine up and go back to my task. "No, I didn't." Fuck me this is going to be a long dinner which I don't even end up finishing before turning in for the night.

"RM? You only ate one leg."

I feel bad taking that animals life and wasting the food, but I can't fucking stomach to look at Negan right now. Maybe when I wake up, he'll be gone. Forever. Asshole.

* * *

 _But they have soft legs. I see them in the window!_

I feel like this wall I've built up is coming down because every memory of Madsen and I only makes it harder to push back these tears. As I stare back at the beauties in the store window, I can't bring myself to get them. It wouldn't be right. That chapter of my life is over, and having these star ones would only be a painful reminder that I don't have my Madie. So I leave empty handed.

"Wait." Negan chases after me. "Why didn't you get those nylons in the window? Weren't those the exact same star ones you had?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I know you really hate me right now, but I know what you're going through. Fuck, it seemed like everything reminded me of her."

Any time Negan speaks, it only angers me even further. I don't want anything to do with this motherfucker, yet he keeps following me around! Madsen's voice plays over in my head.

 _RM, you need to show some compassion sometimes, alright?_

No. You know what? Fuck compassion, and fuck Negan. He sure as fuck didn't show me any goddamn compassion when he jumped to the conclusion that I was back on drugs. "Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone!? Why do you keep making this effort to talk to me? What is it going to take? Huh? Leave. Me. Fucking. **Alone**." Would you fucking believe he still tried to talk to me?! What is his deal? When we're ambushed by the dead, I use the chance to run. Run as far from this fuck as I can get and into the woods. I guess because all I have had to eat in the last week has been half a crab leg, I end up passing out in the woods from exhaustion.

* * *

Of all the fucking places I could have ended up, why does it have to be back at this house with Negan? I sit up, ready to chew this motherfucker up one side and down the other when I notice… "The fuck is this?" I rub my legs some. Ink moves up my legs and disappears inside my shorts.

"I drew on your legs to look like beauties. I know you're having a hard time without them, and I probably shouldn't have touched you, but I wanted you to be comfortable again. Until we can find some that you like."

"Wha-" My eyebrows push together as I touch my fingers to one of the stars he drew. "Dumpy…"

His eyes well up. "Why are you so fucking mad at me? What did I do, RM? Because the last thing I remember was looking back at you as you stood on those parlor steps and thinking how much you fucking mean to me. Knowing that you were feeling the same thing as you looked back at me."

"I'm hurt that instead of you asking me what happened at Sanctuary, you accuse me of old habits."

"What was I supposed to think?"

"Never fucking mind, man. You just don't get it, and I'm not going to say it."

"So it is what it is then?"

"Yeah. It is what it is."

"Fine. I fucking tried. I've done everything I can, so fuck it. It's survival now."

"Ooo, I'm fucking scared at your ultimatum."

"You're such a bitch."

"Well, at least we have that in common." Yeah… **that** pissed him off. I mean, I didn't see this fucker for almost a week! I was fine on my own. Had a nice supply of fresh water from boiling snow. This place had lots of warmer lint for fire tinder. Plus, I found two bags of chips.

"I searched this entire fucking trailer park for nylons. It's about the only thing I didn't find." Negan drops a giant satchel on the floor. "Call me a post-apocalyptic Santa."

"Who's Santa?"

"Eh… never mind. We'll go over that another time."

I hold my bag out to him. "Do you want some of these chips?"

"RM, those are noodles."

"What-cocksucking-ever. Chip noodles. Happy? They were already stale before the outbreak."

"That's because you boil them."

"Who boils chips?"

"They're not chips! Christ. Fucking forget it."

"Did you really look for stockings while you were gone?"

"And pussy. But mostly nylons," he smirks.

I give him a brief smile before it fades. "Maybe we could go back to that store with the soft legs in the window?"

"Soft legs?"

I blush and look away from him. "You know what I meant," I murmur. It makes sense, right? Because it makes your legs soft. I didn't even know they were called stockings until Madsen. And what does Negan call them? Nylons? How come things can have so many names but when you call them something that's not typical, everyone looks at you like you're stupid? I know I'm not the smartest person, but I call everything like I see it. What makes sense to me.

"That's kinda cute," he chuckles.

"Whatever, can we go or not?"

"Yeah, bitch. We can go."

...

"What the..." I hurry over to the broken glass in the street. The store that had my legs has been ransacked, and the front window is completely busted out. Even worse... "No," I whine, when I see the naked mannequin.

"Who the fuck would take shit in here?"

I sink down, broken glass and all. I'm so goddamn distraught that these legs have been taken. Why didn't I get them before? I'm so fucking dumb.

"We'll find some, RM."

"I want those," I pout.

"Come on, get out of that glass."

"No!" I stamp my foot.

"Don't do that baby whining shit. I don't have the patience for it."

"Then you don't have the patience for me!"

"Don't start that. I'm here, knee deep in fucking bras trying to find you goddamn nylons."

"You're hardly suffering."

"Any-fucking-way, I found an area we can look for supplies."

I hate this side of him. When he turns everything off and he just becomes this hard ass. I can't deal with this shit!

"RM, now!"

Guess I'm going to have to.

* * *

Negan makes me say each stores name before we go in it.

This one is tough, but I sound it out. "Walnut."

"No, RM. Walmart."

"That's an even dumber name than Costco."

"Well, it's named after-"

"Boring! Let's go see if they have Cheetos." Well, Walnut didn't have any Cheetos, but they had some bad ass expensive looking clothes. Nice shit. Shit that never came into the thrift shop. Oh! These shorts have a patch of an alien on the pocket! I hope it's my size. Crap. Where's the 10 at? "Yes," I giggle.

"The fuck are you doing in the children's section?" Negan frowns when he sees the shorts in my hands.

"I always wanted to shop in the women's section, but I'm too small."

"Oh," he sighs, lowering the stockings in his hand to his side.

"You got these for me?"

"Guess it doesn't do much good if they won't fit. I got them in the women's section."

It kinda fucking takes me by surprise. This big fuck rummaging through lingerie on his own trying to pick me out stockings. "For what it's worth, I appreciate it."

He just shrugs disappointed.

"Can you look away so I can put these shorts on?"

Negan doesn't speak. He just drops the material on the floor and walks off.

Damn. Those were pretty cool, too.

...

I tip toe through the store ready to scare him when I notice he's changing from that black shirt of Madsen's and into a white undershirt. Whoa. I freeze with my hands still up as if I'm ready to scare him. Goddamn, I've always thought Negan had a sexy torso. The hard contours of his back and the way the muscles tense as he frees himself from that button up shirt. His shoulder blades touching and then stretching back out. I think he's even more muscular now. Ugh, he fucking would be.

"Put that tongue back in your mouth unless it's going on my balls."

"Bitch, you wish."

"Why is it okay for you to watch me change, but I can't watch you?"

"Shut up and turn around. I like the view from behind, not the front."

"You just like it because it reminds you of that Madsen fuck."

"Truthfully, I wouldn't mind if you joined our gym day."

"Fucking pervert. I bet your hand was so far down in your pants."

"Who are you telling? Jesus. It was like a fap-fest. Goddamn."

"You can rub one out while I work out here. I'm sure they have some weights or something left."

Tempting, but I'm still mad at him. I pull the same shit he did with me the other night and tell him we need to focus on supplies.

"Fine, bitch."

Christ, here comes another tantrum as I follow him through the store. I almost run right into him when he stops.

He shines his light down the aisle before taking off down it.

I roll my eyes annoyed when he comes back with practically nothing.

"Goddamn that's good. You want the other one?"

"What is it?"

"Soda."

"Oh, I used to get soda for Cheeto a lot."

"The Coke is mine, but you can have the diet one."

"Ugh, it taste like aluminum foil."

"More for me then."

While I'm fucking thrilled about my alien shorts, we can't exactly live off of those and aluminum foil soda so I wander off on my own to find supplies. It doesn't take long until he's calling for me.

"I never thought I'd say this, but we got a problem. There's too much shit for us to take back."

"Put them in the pushing cages, duh."

"While that's a great idea an all, how are we supposed to get back all of them? You can barely fucking push one. Can you even see over the fucking thing?"

"I'm not that short, dingus."

"I gotta sit down a second. I'm getting light headed."

I'm actually getting rather worried about Negan. He's been pushing himself so goddamn hard with barely any food or sleep. My eyes widen as I swipe his flashlight. "Oh god. There's my fucking beauty." Before me sits a power wheels. Not just any power wheels, the monster truck one. Bigfoot. That black and yellow beauty. Goddamn, I used to love going to see the monster trucks. I can't fucking believe I'm about to drive one!

"Please tell me you're joking. That I didn't just get up for this."

Holy, fuck. I wish Specs was here. We'd get into so much mischief on this beauty.

"Those things last five minutes and that's on a full charge. You won't even get out of the store. I'm going to keep looking for supplies."

I'm sure I can rig something up. In fact, there's still car batteries here. Actually, this is fucking stupid. This battery might explode because they're not meant to be ran like this. If I can just get the supplies back to our place. I know Negan is getting wore the fuck out, so this way I can tie some pushing cages together, then tie it to the back of this and pull our sweet haul home! "What's that for?"

He puts some broken pieces of furniture in the pushing cage. "Fire wood. What's that for?"

I put on the helmet I found. "Safety first, motherfucker."

"Just so you know, this is fucking stupid and it's not going to work." Negan ties a few pushing cages together before securing them to my truck.

"Oh wait. I need to fix the license plate."

He folds his arms annoyed.

I paint the word rumpy on the plate.

Negan lets out a loud guffaw. "Good job, bitch. And you spelled everything right. But this shit still ain't working."

The only down side is that I can't see his dumpy face when I'm two hundred feet ahead of him pulling the majority of these pushing cages in my monster truck.

"RM, slow down!"

"What's that? I can't hear you over the sound of how fucking stupid this is." Heh. Goddamn, I'm a badass bitch. Should have painted that on the license plate instead.

* * *

Negan is shit for comfort emotionally, but what he lacks in sensitivity he makes up for in protection. Whether it's from people who mean us harm, or the elements. Tonight being one of those with the frigid temperatures. Spring is almost here, but not without a few more brutal nights.

"Come here."

 _Come here, RM._

It's a submissive switch for me, and I'm by his side. His arms engulf me and it's better than a blanket. We need to find some place to stay. Decide what the hell we're doing instead of moving from place to place. Most importantly, I need to talk to Negan. There are some things I need to get off my chest. Yet, times like this, I don't want to be mad at him. The way I fit in his arms. Safe. Warm. Always making sure I have enough to eat or drink. Each night he redraws my beauties on for me. Taking the time so that they're perfect and to my liking. Why did his fucking mouth have to ruin things? Out of all the things he could have told me when we were reunited, why wasn't it what happened? Negan's soft snoring startles me. I want to tell him about the Saviors, but I guess it will have to wait until another night.

* * *

Negan keeps looking around like we're lost, but for once I know where we're going. "Goddamn, RM."

"What?"

"This town is a fucking dump."

"So?"

"Where the fuck are we?"

I sigh when the dilapidated trailer comes into view. "Home." There is one good thing about being back at Mama's. I hurry to the trailer and start beating on some of the torn skirting. "Hey, you cocksucker. Get out here!" I giggle when I see cute familiarity.

"Holy fucking Christ," Negan screams.

"No," I panic, diving over Chonsey.

Negan's boot comes down hard on my back.

"Ow," I wince, shoving his leg some.

Chonsey shows his butt at Negan ready to attack.

"Chill the fuck out, dingus. You're going to make him shoot his hair at you and then we're both going to be fucking miserable."

"What the fuck, you know this thing?"

"This _thing_ is family." I lift Chonsey up so Negan can see.

"No. No goddamn way. Nope. No. Get that fucking thing away from me. I'm serious as a motherfucker, RM."

I roll my eyes annoyed. "Quit being such a pussy."

"What do you mean it's going to get its hair on us? Should you be touching that thing?"

"When Chonsey is scared, he'll shoot his hair at you. It's one of the ways they defend themselves. Though, lucky for you, he's only done it once. My friend Dominic found out the hard way. He was miserable as fuck because that shit burns and itches once it gets on you."

"Just put that fucking thing back under the trailer or something."

"Pfff. I left Chonsey behind once. I'm not doing it again. He was a good little submissive fuck and waited for me. Weren't you?" I show him my teeth as he shows me his front legs in anger. "Heh, just messing with you. Jeez. You're wound as tight as this dumpy fuck."

Negan is even more unnerved around Chonsey than Cheeto was.

What-fucking-ever, he better get used to it.

"This is…" Negan's eyes widen. "Where you grew up?"

"Yeah. It's not as nice as Madsen's, but it's-"

"This place should be fucking condemned."

"Sorry we don't all live in white brick homes, Coach Negan."

"This has nothing to do with money. Everywhere I look is some trash pile of drugs and or beer cans. And I'm pretty sure that's dried semen on the couch."

"Probably."

"Will you get your things so we can leave?"

I point out the window as Negan lets out a sigh. Judging by that snow coming down, we're stuck here for the next few days. I laugh when Negan starts putting newspaper down on the armchair he's about to sit on.

"Your mom around here?"

"Why?"

"Because. I want to have a nice long chat with her."

"Is that code for fucking?"

Negan shakes his head at me. "Never goddamn mind. I'm going to get some sleep. Please keep Mr. Bitsy the fuck away from me."

"His name is Chonsey."

"It was a joke."

"I don't get it."

"I'm too tired to explain the shit. Fucking behave, RM."

"Do you want this blanket?"

"Hell fucking no."

Fine, I'll use it. Heh, it smells like Mama. Beer, tanning lotion, and cigarettes. It's good to be home.

* * *

I open my eyes to the sound of one of the bedroom doors slamming shut. "Keep it fucking down, will you?" I feel for Chonsey before I roll over so I don't squash him. He must be off doing Chonsey things.

"RM, what the fuck?!"

"Man, come on. I let you sleep. Keep it down."

Negan has a seat on the coffee table in front of the couch.

I'm not really sure that's a good idea because it's about to break any minute, but I doubt he's going to listen to me.

"That first bedroom yours?"

"Yep."

"It's disgusting. The things stained on that mattress… Your mother should be a fucking shamed of herself-"

"Hey! Don't talk shit about Mama!"

"When are you going to see that what she did to you was wrong?!"

"Leave me alone!" I roll over so I don't have to look at him and sink my hand into the hole in the couch. Mama keeps her pills in this one. Oh, damn. This is almost a full bottle.

"Give me that goddamn thing," Negan yells.

"That doesn't belong to you!" I struggle for the bottle but he's just too goddamn strong.

"You weak bitch!"

"Fuck you! You fucking abandoned me! You're a liar," I scream in his face.

Negan grabs me by the jaw, pinning me to the couch.

"Madie," I scream. "Madie, help!"

"Are you fucking high right now? He's dead, RM. **Dead**! Which is exactly where you're going to end up if you don't pull it the fuck together!"

My stomach sinks as I stop resisting Negan. I know he expected me to cry, but I'm so fucking empty inside I can't manage a single emotion. Everyone I know is gone. Dead. All I have is Chonsey. "Here I thought my reasoning for doing drugs this whole time was because I just liked doing them but, I guess, the truth is I use them so I don't have to deal with all this shit. My Madie. My friends. My Mama. Fuck."

"Is that why you went back on drugs? Because you thought I was dead?"

I snap him a glare.

"Tell me what happened, RM."

"I hate you," I whine.

"I want to hear your side of things. It's what I should have said from the start."

"Bullshit, you're trying to coax it out of me!"

"No, I believe you. Talk to me."

"Your men told me you died."

"So you went back to drugs because you didn't want to lose someone again?"

"See? You're just making shit up, you stupid bastard! Your men told me you died, then shoved a needle in my fucking arm. Two years I spent in some dank fucking basement while they took turns on me. Keeping me and the others drugged out of our minds so we didn't cause a fuss."

Negan looks back at me horrified. "But… that's against my rules…"

"Yeah, well, your rules don't mean fuck all when you're not there to enforce them. I fucking told you not to leave me! This never would have happened if you didn't go. Dumb and dumber would still be alive. We wouldn't be here in the freezing fucking cold! You made me eat chicken! Do you know how disturbing chicken is? As a motherfucker!"

"What is wrong with you?!"

"Wrong with **me**?"

"You were gang raped and you're worried about goddamn chicken?!"

I don't know what comes over me, but I haul off and slug this motherfucker right in the face. "Ow," I scream, cradling my hand.

"Fuck," Negan snarls, cupping his nose.

"That's your fault, too! Your dumpy face broke my fingers!"

Negan groans in agony.

"Oh, god," I whimper when I see the blood pour down Negan's face. "I… I'm sorry." What have I done?!

Both of his hands cover his face.

I can see the veins in his neck start to surface, as his skin starts to flush. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that! Please don't be mad."

Negan rises to his full height, picking up the coffee table and smashing it against the floor. " **God-fucking-dammit**!"

I've never been so fucking scared watching him go into this blinding rage.

He drives his fist into the fireplace repeatedly. Blood starts to accumulate against the brick before he switches out his other hand.

I cower in the corner of the couch as I tremble in fear. When he looks my way, I drop my head in submission. "Don't hurt me. Please. I'm sorry." I flinch when he touches my cheek.

He tilts my head up. The rage in his eyes is gone and now they just fight back tears.

"You're not mad at me?"

"No."

"Will you do affection?"

His tears finally give when he nods.

I try and scoot them away but the wind is knocked from me when his arms lock around me.

 _The wind is knocked from me when his arms lock around me._

"I told you that no man would ever force himself on you again. I promised, and look what fucking happened." Negan settles his lips against my temple.

 _His lips press to my shoulder several times, lingering the last one._

"They were rough, Negan."

 _Ducky was rough, Madie._

His grip becomes tighter. "I'm so fucking sorry I didn't protect you, RM," Negan sobs.

 _I'm so sorry… I love you, RM._


	18. Chapter 18

_**la douleur exquise**_ _(n.) the heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable. Has drug like effects._

* * *

Tucked away against the former Savior leader brings an unfamiliar comfort.

 _What are you doing with your body?_

 _I don't like your body against mine._

My arms try to wrap around him but he's too big. "Don't let me go," I beg him. When his embrace becomes tighter it's almost too much but I don't say anything because I know this is a place not many have been. I know I'm warm. I know, that above all else, he would die before he let anyone hurt me like his Saviors did. His constant apologies make my eyes sweaty. It's not his fault. I just wanted a place for my anger. I give this man so much shit. Shit for things that I am guilty of myself. He's nowhere near perfect, but he's definitely becoming a contender for it.

Negan trades me spots so he's on the couch, then I'm pulled in his lap like Madie used to do to me. Except Negan brings me close to him.

It's not even time for bed but I drift off into a deep sleep. When I open my eyes, I start to question if I'm losing my sanity. I'm all alone, curled up with nothing more than Mama's blanket. I feel so unwelcome in this house. Is this a dream? Why would Negan leave me? Maybe this isn't the dream, but my conversation with him was. I knew it was too good to be true. Everyone always leaves me. Always.

* * *

Another day, no Negan. Whatever. "Chonsey, I'm making crumbs." Where is that cute little Cheeto? "Hey, you cocksucker… where are you?" I open my bedroom door and almost have a fucking heart attack. This is where Negan has been. Oh, god. "Can't you yank that flesh crank somewhere else?"

"Fuck! You scared the fucking fucks right the fuck out of me!"

I roll my eyes annoyed.

"I'm not yanking anything. I'm, uh. Well," he reddens. "Here." Negan rises to his full height, handing over something wrapped in newspaper and some old sewing thread that got left behind when Madsen took me.

"What is it?"

"Huh? What do you mean what is it? It's a gift."

"Oh. This is what a gift thing is?" I frown a bit disappointed.

"What's wrong?"

"What am I supposed to do with this?"

Negan shifts his eyes side to side. "…open …it."

I'm so fucking confused. Why did he wrap it if he was just going to make me take everything off? Gift things are dumb. Now I'm glad I was never given one.

"Any day now," Negan says after almost five minutes.

"Well, I don't want to rip the damn thing! Calm down. You got some place to fucking be?"

"Yeah. Hopefully up in that twat cot of yours after you see what I got you."

"That's my word. And you must be dreaming. There's nothing you could ever get that would make me consider-" I take in a sharp breath. "Is this where you've been?"

"I know I should have fucking told you."

"Negan…" I'm speechless. About a fucking first in my life. I drop the newspaper to the floor and hold up these stockings Negan picked out for me. My eyes trail the beautiful alien bone pattern on them. I've always thought I looked like an alien. Now I have legs to match theirs. But these just aren't any bones, they're like these bad ass robot looking bones. "I'm going to be invincible in these!" No man will ever touch me again with these on. My eyes well up as I stare back at Negan. "Thank you for these stockings, Negan."

"I was going to ask if you'd foot fuck me in them, but the look on your face right now feels pretty damn good, too."

"I'll do it if you want."

As quickly as his lip coils up, his face relaxes. "Maybe another time."

Well. Fine…

"Put them on, rumpy!"

"Oh, right!" I'm so fucking excited I can't even stand myself. Once they're in place, I take a deep breath before examining myself in Mama's long mirror. I really like them, but these hurt my right foot. The more I walk in them, the worse the pain gets.

"Well?"

"These feel funny on my feet."

Negan rubs his forehead in frustration. "That's because I put something inside, bitch. Did you not take it out?"

So back in the fucking bathroom I go to try this shit again. Why in the fuck would he put something in my stockings? Oh, damn. Bare-assed and all, I run back to my bedroom then remember my hip scars are exposed. Fuck! I try to get these stockings on in a hurry, then barrel into my room. "You still have my coins?!"

"Yep. One week clean," he smiles.

I giggle and look at my skeleton coin. "Thanks, dumpy."

"I have your other ones in my jacket pocket. I know this is tough for you, RM, but you can do it. Remember how badly you want the one year coin."

God, I love that one year coin. It's so fucking beautiful. That cute little skeleton in a suit. It's been hard to come off the drugs this time. The sweats and the shits are the worst they've ever been, but I know it will be worth it. The first week is always the hardest anyhow.

"I like your new skin."

I moonwalk across this motherfucker. "Still got it!"

"You are the strangest broad I have ever met," he laughs.

I tug at my crotch. "Hee- hee." I still got moves, but he doesn't stay to watch them. His loss.

* * *

"Oh, my fucking fuck. I know the name of this store. The 99 store!"

Negan rolls his eyes. "You know numbers." Negan gives me this long speech, blah blah blah, about how we need to find as many things as possible before leaving me to my half of the store. My eyes widen when I see the hook where the plastic bags are kept. I lean over some to make sure Negan is distracted before going over to the bags. I've always wanted to do this, and shake my shirt off to the floor. One rip to the bottom of the plastic bag. Oh, hell yes. This is real fucking nice.

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

"Heh," I redden, turning around.

"You've gotta be fucking shitting me. She's wearing a goddam plastic bag as a shirt."

"Well, it makes sense, right? I mean… it's got a spot for your arms and neck."

"RM, can you please try and find the essentials that we need so we can get the fuck out of here?"

"Fine." But I'm keeping this thing on whether he likes it or not. I get one of the giant pushing cages at the front of the store and start my hunt.

Negan seems to have found something of interest.

The hell? The fuck does he need rubbers for? He doesn't need them with me. Whatever. Continuing through the store, I find the most unlikely of treats. "Raymond's soup!" I set the cup in my pushing cage. Damn, this is the funnest trip ever!

...

Negan looks in my plastic shopping bag, then narrows his eyes at me.

"What? I just got the essentials."

"The essentials? Explain how a fucking miniature American flag on a stick is the essentials?"

"For celebrating America. Duh."

"Oh, right. How'd I fucking miss that one?

"I don't know," I shrug.

"And the table cloth?"

"It's so you don't have to use the newspaper anymore to sleep on."

"Well. Fuck. That's actually really fucking thoughtful."

"What are you questioning my purchases for anyhow? You're the one with rubbers inside your jacket. Oh, didn't think I noticed?"

"Uh." He hands my sack back. "We should get back."

"Already way ahead of you." Idiot.

...

Negan is in such a shit ass fuck mood, he didn't even open the table cloth. He's still sitting on it in the package, arms folded in that chair with this look on his face like he's about to murder someone.

"What are you so grouchy for?"

"I'm fucking starving, yet instead of bringing back food, you bring back sixteen goddamn cans of silly string. This is serious, RM. We could fucking die."

"I already fucking told you I was sorry. Jesus. I thought it was string in a goddamn can. That's what the shit says."

Negan sighs, running his hand aggressively through his hair. "I'm sorry. I'm just fucking hungry and taking it out on you. I forget sometimes that the shit I take for granted you don't know. Guess your mom didn't exactly get it for your birthday party if you didn't even celebrate your birthday."

"What do you use string at a birthday for?"

"It's fun and exciting."

"I think our ideas of fun and exciting are different." I get up from the couch and go into my room to look inside my closet. Yes. I knew it would still be here. "Look, I dunno how old this stuff is, but we can make crumbs."

Negan looks at me like I've lost my goddamn mind.

"That sounds fucking, no. No."

"Fine. Suit your-fucking-self."

"Wait a second, that's... oh, I get it. Crumbs." Negan takes the box from me. "This is called Stove Top. It's fucking delicious."

"I know it's delicious, bitch. Plus, all you need is a little bit of hot water to eat it with. Then put some of this can cheese on it. It's real motherfucking good, and the food pantry always had boxes and boxes of crumbs when I'd go there."

"That's really sad, actually."

"Why? It was real decent of them to give me shit in the first place. I used to go to this grocery store for a while. When the cereal and juice boxes would be crushed, they had to send it back to the warehouse to get credit, but they could keep the inside stuff like the bags of the cereal and the juice pouches. Anyway, the manager would save it for me. I'd come by when I got a few quarters saved up from turning in Mama's beer cans-"

"Please fucking stop. Please. I know that was just something normal for you, but that's not how people are supposed to live. You were a kid. You shouldn't have been waiting for your mother to finish off a 12 pack so you could go get some crushed stale cereal. That's fucking pathetic."

"Where are you going? Don't you want some crumbs?"

"No." He slams the door behind him.

"Okay," I shrug. More for me...

...

"I built you a fire, come here." Negan finally came back after two hours. He broke the neighbor's furniture in some fit of rage, but it worked out because we could burn the wood.

"Thank you."

"Did you get enough to eat?"

"Yeah, I had a lot."

"What's a lot? Three bites?" He wraps me in my blanket.

"Like six." I don't know if he meant it as in him trying to keep tabs on my weight, or just to make sure I really was full because he devoured the rest of the bowl, complete with a belch.

"Damn, bitch, that was good." Negan pulls the armchair close to the fire, then I'm set on his lap.

I lay against his warm chest as I close my eyes. It's starting to get to where I don't sleep at night unless we're like this. Even through his snoring and the sound of his chest hair against the fabric of his shirt. To me, it's like this soothing white noise.

"You awake?"

I don't answer him because I'm terrified he's going to ask me to move. Instead, I just pretend to be asleep. His fingers run through some of my hair and it feels so fucking good. To the point where I don't have to pretend anymore to be asleep.

* * *

I've been filling this bathtub in Mama's bathroom with snow for days. I finally have enough to bathe, so I start taking one bucket at a time to warm in the fireplace until it's to my liking. Mama's bathtub is so goddamn big, there's a step going up to it. I actually drowned in it once. Let's hope we don't have a repeat of that. Oh! My alien. As I run back into the bathroom, I catch myself in the mirror. I sigh heavily. What am I fucking doing? I'm a grown ass woman playing in the goddamn bathtub. I set the alien on the counter and start towards the bathtub. Fuck it. I'll grow up the next time I bathe and swipe it from the counter. "Ack ack ack ack ack!"

"What the hell is going on in here? Oh." His eyes widen. "Oh," he grins getting that fucking look.

I roll my eyes and turn my back to him.

"How the fuck did you get water?"

"Does it fucking matter? What do you want?"

"Do you always bathe with those nylons on?"

"Always."

"How do you wash your ass?"

"Negan, what the fuck do you want?" I glance over my shoulder when he doesn't respond.

He's made his way over to the tub and is sitting on the ledge. "Why do you always make me fucking come right out and say it?"

"Say what?"

"Say that I fucking missed you, bitch. I wanted to see what you were up to. Is that al-fucking-right, your fucking majesty?"

I flick the water around a bit with my hand before bringing my eyes up to his. "You can get in this tub with me if you want."

It takes Negan about 2.17 seconds to undress before his big ass comes barreling in this tub.

"Watch it! You're sloshing out all the water!" Jesus, this tub is gigantic, and I'm not just saying that because I'm small, yet he still doesn't fit right in here. "Ow, move your knee! Stop, you're pulling my hair. Ugh. Get out!"

"Tough tits, I'm staying."

"Comfortable?"

"Yes, very."

Well, I'm not. Ugh. My fucking oasis. Ruined. "Keep your chest hair on your side."

"Oh for fuck's sake, bitch. Mellow-fucking-out. This ain't so bad. It's pretty warm. I would have helped you if you just asked."

"How about you help yourself from this tub?"

"Nah, I like irritating you."

"Make yourself useful and wash my hair."

"No goddamn way."

"Madie would. He always washed my hair for me." Honestly, I don't know why I said that. It just came out. I expect Negan to fly off the fucking handle, but he has that dopey ass look. He seems... hurt. "Sorry."

"I get it. It's fine."

"No, wait. Stay."

"Let go of my fucking arm."

"No. I'm sorry. I don't know why I said it. In fact, I don't know why I even act all put out by your chest hair when just the other night I welcomed the sound of it against your shirt. Or how I pretended to be asleep because I was scared you were going to have me move off your lap and I didn't want that. You say you missed me, well, I missed you too, dumpy. Like a fuck ton."

Negan sloshes more water out of the tub as he moves to me, pressing his lips to mine.

Shit! I didn't expect this. He's the only other man that's been in this spot beside Madsen. I blush shyly when he pulls away.

"Okay. Maybe I'll wash your hair now, bitch."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he smirks.

"Here! I got this fish shampoo at the 99 store the other day."

"Fish shampoo? Why in the fuck would you- oh. Because it's shaped like a fish." He smells it just in case. "Not that I don't love looking at your little-fried eggs, but turn around."

"I don't want to. I want to see you wash my hair." Maybe it sounds fucking crazy, but I'm afraid if I turn around that my thoughts will become muddled with Madsen. I want this moment to be about Negan and me. This is actually a little fucking ridiculous. If any of his former wives or men saw him doing this, he'd be ridiculed until the end of fucking time. It's not even really all that sexual I suppose. He's too goddamn rough, and he's managed to tangle my hair even more than it already was. I'm so grateful to get this shit out of my hair. Now for the payback. "Let's give you a mohawk. Yeah, that's real fucking sexy-"

"Watch my balls. Please, don't fucking knee me by accident."

"I'm not going to knee you!"

"You try having all your prized assets hanging there with no protection."

"Uh, hello? What do you think these tater tots are doing?"

"You know, I'm trying to be real fucking respectful, but your tits are in my face and now you're pointing to them." He leans over some, trying to get all the soap from his hair.

Damn, his shoulders are massive. And that smooth flawless back of his.

He runs his fingers through his hair to slick it all back. "Shit." Negan slams his eyes shut. "I think I got soap in my eyes.

As he opens them, my lips claim his with a fierce intensity. My fingers slip against his wet skin as I try my best to hold onto any part of him before saying fuck it and mount him.

"Calm down, you filthy bitch."

"Rip them and fuck me, Negan." I'm practically grinding myself against his stomach. I can see the struggle in his eyes. The part of him that wants to just go to fucking town. And the other part of him that's reserved.

"I don't want to rip a hole in your new skin."

I'm not taking no for an answer, and coax this shit my way. "I want it to be you," I mouth against his ear before trailing my tongue up it.

His hands startle me when they latch onto my waist before I'm hoisted from the water. He's not gentle by any means as I'm slid up onto the ledge of the bathtub.

I watch in excitement as the muscles in his forearms stiffen and my stockings are ripped open. "Fuck," I moan as my eyebrows move upward when his mouth moves between my legs. My fingers claw at his perfectly placed hair, bunching it in my grip. Oh my god! His mouth there is fucking incredible.

He licks up one side and down the other before trailing his tongue right up to the middle as slow as he possibly can.

I'm so fucking embarrassed when his eyes lock on mine.

"Goddamn, you're wet. And it ain't the water."

"Shut up, Negan!" My eyes widen when I watch him ease a finger inside me. "Fuck!" Not only does he use his fucking mouth, but now I have that thick finger moving in and out. I can feel my release in every part of my body and probably burst his ear drum but I don't fucking care. It feels fucking incredible. I slither back down in the bathtub as this euphoric high sets in.

Negan wipes his mouth, giving me the most twisted expression. "Going to put this to good use." He uses my arousal to work his hand up and down on himself. The water doesn't cover him completely up as his head pokes out of the water.

Goddamn, it's hot. I lean over and take what part of him is poking out in my mouth.

"Fuck," he pants, working his hand even faster.

Ugh, knowing him he'll probably get too turned on and explode before we can do anything good. I'm not letting that happen, and straddle this big fuck.

"Yes. Fuck. I have thought about being inside that tight little fuck-hole for too long."

The way he speaks to me turns me on so much. I know it shouldn't, because it's ridiculous and filthy but, then again, so am I. "It hurts," I whine as I try to ease down on his hard arousal.

He seems like he's in pain too and lifts me up a bit.

I force myself back down and let out a whimper.

"Fuck!" He grits his teeth. "It ain't gonna work."

"Well… we never had a problem before."

"Fuck you."

"You know what I fucking mean."

"It's the water. You're not wet enough."

"Wet enough? We're in the water!"

"It doesn't work like that. Fuck. I should have fucking known better!"

I'm a little disappointed. And now whatever heat of the moment bullshit we had is gone arguing about this.

"Fuck," Negan shouts frustrated. "All I want is to fuck you."

"I can still suck you off."

"After you admit impotence in me? No thanks."

"I never said you couldn't get it up. God, you're such a fucking velvet valley sometimes!"

"Not in the fucking mood for your ri-goddamn-diculous euphemisms.

"Well… you mean I gotta touch this precious pearl by myself?"

Negan slams the bathroom door.

"Fuck!" I thrust myself back down in the water with a pout.

* * *

I thought when I woke up that Negan was polishing something other than those Red Wings. "What are you doing?"

"Why the fuck is there a buckle at the top of these boots? It makes no goddamn sense. My other ones had it too."

"It's so the coal and ash from steam engines don't get inside your boots. That's why they're called engineer boots."

"How the fuck do you know that?"

"Because I asked Madsen the same thing." I hate how he acts like we just didn't try and fuck the other day. Do I mean that little to him? When the front door is kicked in, I jump startled. My eyes widen at the visitor. "Ren," I smile, rising from the couch. "Hi," I giggle.

"Oh. Hey. Haven't seen you around here in a couple of years."

"Yeah, I've been, uh, well it's hard to explain."

"Damn, I was going to steal your mom's stash," she laughs.

"Here." I unzip the couch pillow and give her a baggie.

She's hesitant like it's some kind of trick. "You don't want it?"

"I don't need it."

"I've never seen you sober."

"I'm still a badass motherfucker."

"The fuck… Madsen? How goddamn high am I right now?"

"That's not Madsen. His name is Negan."

Ren saunters over before having a seat beside him.

Ugh. Negan better not put one finger on her if he knows what's good for him. Then again, it's not Negan I have to worry about. It's Ren. Her hand is already on his thigh inching towards what's mine. "Guess you'll be on your way then since you got your drugs."

"I can stay."

I don't understand. Ren never stays long once she's got her drugs. Negan is feeding right into her bullshit. His eyebrow already tugged upward as he leans into her. I storm off before I have to see any more of this fuckery and go make crumbs. When I get back from the kitchen, I've made three bowls except Ren and Negan are nowhere to be found. Until I hear her screams coming from Mama's room. I drop the bowls of crumbs on the ground and leave the trailer.

* * *

I didn't sleep worth a fuck last night. Ren's moaning kept me up, and then she took a spot close to him to keep warm. I just stared at them in jealousy. When Negan goes to take a piss that morning, there's just this awkward silence between us. She's only fucking Negan because he looks like Madsen. She doesn't give a fuck about him. She's using him.

"Figured you two were together."

"Why do you say that," I snap.

"Because he looks just like Madsen."

"Fucking Negan was the worst mistake I've ever made. He's a terrible lay."

"Maybe it's just you because I have never been fucked like that before."

Yeah... maybe it is. I try to change the subject, but she keeps going on about Negan the all fucking mighty. This goes on, night after fucking night after fucking night. I don't know how much more I can take.

* * *

I wake up with the worst headache. It feels like the days when I would be getting off drugs. I see Ren has made herself comfortable close to him. Ugh, disgusting. When Negan finally gets up to make food, I've had so much time to think shit over that I am beyond livid. The first word out of his mouth I end up losing it. "Go fuck yourself," I snap at him, leaving the trailer again. I'd slam the door on my passenger Bigfoot power wheels if it had a door out of frustration. "Stay here, I'll send for you later," I tell Chonsey, and speed off. I gotta find a place to stay away from Dingus and the Sausage Queen. Surely, I can find something. Oh, this trailer is nice. Holy shit! Shit yeah! I pull up in the driveway to inspect my new fortune. "Oh, Christ," I shout, slamming the front door closed as quickly as I opened it. Let's just say that family thought drinking the Koolaid was the only way out. Well, back on the road again I go. Not my smartest idea. I run out of juice about nine miles down the road. Even worse, is having to abandon this beauty. I have two choices, keep pressing forward or return to Mama's. The only reason I even consider it is because of Chonsey and my alien toy Madie won me. Shoulda fucking brought those two with. Then I'd never have to see that dumpy fucker again.

* * *

Negan didn't even know I was gone all day yesterday. Why would he? Deep inside the shopper's cunt. I notice some heroin in Ren's bag when I was snooping through it. Just like riding a bike as I prepare the syringe. I can't take another night of this fucking shit. His moans. Her screams. This is the only way I know how to make it all go away. I stick the needle in my flesh and quickly yank it back out. Fuck! Just fucking do it!

"Oh, Negan," she screams.

I drop the syringe and leave to stay on the porch until they're done. These are the times that I miss Dominic. He always had a way of putting things so I'd understand them. Or maybe I'd just have him knock Negan right upside his dumb fucking face. I thought things were going good with Negan and me. It was just getting to a point where I trusted him. Now all that's fucking ruined. I hate him so much for making me feel like this. I'm so fucking hurt that Ren, once again, has her hands on what's mine. You know what? Fuck this. This is my goddamn house. They're going to get the fuck out. I'm fine on my own. Always have been. I yank open the door and almost off the hinges. To my surprise, I see Ren getting her bag.

"Hey, nothing personal, but I'm going to find my own way."

Good. Get out. Except… even though I'm upset about her with Negan, she's my friend, and the only familiarity I have with my former life with Madie. "Please stay." We'll kick Negan out. That motherfucker.

"I can't RM."

"Okay. Yeah, of course." Guess it really is goodbye. "Where will you go?"

"Wherever the drugs are," she smirks, pushing up her glasses before she walks out the door.

I can feel Negan behind me, his eyes burning at the back of my head. "You should get your things, too. Before she gets too far out of sight. Lock the goddamn door behind you."

"RM, wait," he begs, grabbing my arm when I walk past him.

"Let me fucking go! I don't have anything to say to you-"

"I told her to fucking leave."

"Fuck you."

"No. I'm serious. I told her to pack her shit and get the fuck out."

"What did you do that for?!"

"Why do you fucking think?"

"What do you want me to say?" I show Negan the crook of my elbow. "That I can't take another night of her screaming out your name. That I lie here awake at night like some broken bitch because I want something more with you but you don't even seem to give a damn. The other day in the tub, what was that to you? Was I just another fuck? Just something warm to spill in to? Whatever, man, I mean, just fuck it. You do you."

"I called your name out when I was fucking her. Twice. Then told her to get her shit and get the fuck out. That's why she left."

"I don't believe you."

"Then don't, but there's something you should know. I ain't Madsen, not even fucking close. But I guaran-goddamn-fucking-tee if you were mine, I wouldn't check out the first chance I got. I know you said he loved you, but if he loved you, he would have pulled the needle out of his fucking arm. And most importantly yours."

When Negan's lips touch mine, I want to slap the living fuck out of him. I want to yell at him for making me feel like I do, but I'm just happy that he chose me and that I fit in this fucked up world of his. His lips move down my neck and I'm eased back onto the couch. As he's working his way down my stomach, it feels like someone stabs me in the side and all the air deflates from my chest. " **Chonsey** ," I scream.

"Goddammit, RM. My fucking ear!"

"Chonsey! He's not moving! Get off, get fucking off of me." I try to push Negan but he's too strong.

"Oh fuck," Negan pales as his eyes widen.

Chonsey got into the heroin that I left sitting out.

"RM!" He restrains me to the couch.

"Let me go! I can't fucking... Chonsey! What have I done?" When I get free, I rush over to him, scooping him from the ground. "Oh, Christ! Help me! Make him wake up!" My eyes well up and the barrier bursts open. "Chonsey," I whimper, tears falling against him. "No! Oh, god, no," I sob, shaking my hands back and forth. "Wake up, my cute little Cheeto. Please! You're all I have left. Everyone is gone. I don't want to be alone." I can't fucking breathe! My chest. My heart. My heart is burning! I collapse to the floor when my legs just fucking give. "I killed my baby," I cry. "I'm a fucking murderer!" Everything that I have fought for my entire life is a fucking lie. I'm no better than anyone who has killed before. I've broken my most sacred rule. My fucking drug habits have taken his innocent little life. "What have I fucking done? Chonsey! Please wake up," I sob against his coiled body.

* * *

 **A/N Well, this ending sucked to write. It's not often I sob like a child, but I felt a lot of her emotion while writing it. There's a short fic called Begetter that I wrote with Simon and RM if you want to check it out.**


	19. Chapter 19

_**Frisson**_ _(n.) a shiver of pleasure._

* * *

Madsen's words play over in my head as I sob against Chonsey.

 _Throw it away._

 _I was going to save it for later._

 _No. I told you that's dangerous since you have a habit of reusing your needles._

 _It's all fucking dangerous, man! You think because I don't reuse my needles there's no chance I might OD? Oh, I forgot, Madsen is fucking above this because he's a careful addict. Give me a goddamn break._

 _I want you to be smart about this!_

If I had just listened to Madsen, this wouldn't be happening.

"I'm sorry about your spider thing, RM."

"I'm a fucking murderer! Where's that apocalypse jail? I need to turn myself in!"

"Calm down! You're not a murderer, and no one is taking you to jail for killing a spider."

"You don't get it, do you? I killed another living thing. This is all my fault!"

"No, this is my fault. God, I blame my-fucking-self for all this. For thinking with my dick when I should have just ignored Ren. None of this would have ever happened."

"My drugs hurt someone. All because I can't deal with my fucking life." I can't even bring myself to bury him and sob against the couch. Tears; that's one thing that's never been on it before. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, except I deserve to live in this hell forever for what I did to Chonsey. "Leave me alone. Please. I just want to be alone," I cry. Being sober is more important to me than ever. I'll do it for Chonsey.

* * *

Negan drags me to the restroom and bathes me after I refuse to move from the couch. When I return to it, he feeds me. There is such a gaping hole in my chest that nothing can fill. The guilt alone is far worse than anything I have ever experienced. I don't acknowledge anything he tells me. I'll never forgive myself for what I've done to Chonsey. The only reason I haven't completely given up is that I need to suffer for what I've done to my cute little Cheeto. I'm a monster.

* * *

My arm is slung off the couch as my eyes are settled on this small ant trying to lug this huge crumb back to wherever it came from. I'd help it, but I'd probably fuck that up, too. Negan catches my attention when he comes in the front door. I push myself up from the couch as he kneels down in front of me.

"I can't watch you blame yourself for this, RM."

"I hate myself for what I did to Chonsey."

He places his hand against my cheek. "It's not your fault."

"Why do I feel so shitty," I sob. His lips against my tears only make me cry harder. "Stop," I beg.

"Okay," he frowns.

"Why are you all dirty?"

"Oh, uh. I-" He rubs the back of his neck. "I went digging for spiders for you."

"But you hate spiders."

"I know. One bit the fuck out of me, so I punched the dick out of it and now it's dead as fuck. I'm sorry."

It means so fucking much to me. In his weird way, he does care for me! "That's the fucking most romantic thing I've ever heard."

"What can I do for you?"

"Just fuck me, and make me forget all the others." His teeth clink hard against mine. I don't care about the dirt under his nails or his damp hair that my fingers wrap around. Would you believe I'm practically throwing myself at him yet he's more worried about cleaning his hands? Jesus. I thought Madsen was anal about that shit. Then I realize why he's cleaned them when they snake their way into my pants. "You thoughtful fuck."

"What can I say? I'm a giver," he smirks.

Oh! Those fingers are so fucking good. I move my shorts down my hips to give him easier access.

He flings them to the floor in one swift motion, before those greedy fingers come back for my shirt. "Fuck yes," he grins, touching his lips to my skin. He picks me up with one arm so he's eye level with my chest.

"Stop," I flush embarrassed, covering them.

"But!" He moves his bottom lip up in a pout.

"They're too small."

"Look, bitch. I'm this fucking close and now you're going to get all self-conscious? What the fuckity? Move that arm, because I guaran-goddamn-tee what I'm about to do to you will make you forget that shit real fucking quick."

I never like to admit that Negan is right, but I don't mind being wrong about this. And I am so fucking wrong. "Fuck me, Negan."

"Do you want me to tie your hands behind your back again with my belt?"

"Maybe." Leather binds around my wrists behind my back before I even realize he's taken it off.

"I was going to do it anyway," he grows, tightening it with a jerk. His fingers run up my stomach and along the middle of my chest until he takes a hold of some of my hair. He frees himself with his other hand before I'm forced downward with a choke. "Look up at me. Yeah, that's real fucking sexy. You look real fucking nice with my cock in your mouth." Negan always forgets one thing.

I'm not easily restrained, and the leather wraps around his neck.

"Yeah? You gonna ride me, bitch?" His hips bounce in excitement.

"You're a fucking idiot." The leather is flung across the room before I haul off and slap him in the face.

"Ow, goddammit!"

"You like it. Look how fucking hard you are."

"Well," he snickers, "what can I say? I like a woman who takes charge."

"You're a little bitch."

Negan's hand comes full force at me as he takes a hold of me by the jaw. "What was that?" He leans in close. "That's what I thought. Just remember that the next time your smart fucking mouth thinks about putting me in place."

I shove him off me and move to the end of the couch.

"Oh, come on. I thought we were playing."

My fingers move between my legs as I part them open. I stick my leg out to keep him from coming forward.

He starts to whine as his eyes lock on my fingers. "I'm sorry!"

"Yeah, you're gonna be. Oh," I moan, "it feels so good."

"Okay, okay! I'm a little bitch!"

I run my foot along his length and over the top of it.

He grabs my other one, pressing his lips to the top of my foot.

That's right, you motherfucker. My toes curl around him as I move my feet up and down.

"Fuck yes. Just like that." He stretches his arms out along the back of the couch as he slams his eyes shut.

Damn, this is so fucking hot. This engorged bastard ready to explode against my stockings. He's so responsive to my touch as I tease him with the fabric of my stockings.

"Fuck, I'm going to come."

"Do it and you'll lick it off. Actually, yeah, that'd be really fucking sexy. Let's make you stiffen in release." I let out a yelp when his fingers latch onto my sides and I'm pulled up against him. My knees dig into his shoulders as I brace myself on the wall. His skilled tongue hits every nerve as one finger assaults deep within me. Now I'm practically riding this fucker's mouth, and he finds it so fucking amusing. Fuck him. Yeah… fuck his mouth. I tilt my head back as this intense sensation takes over me. "Fuck!"

The arrogant fuck is grinning ear to ear with accomplishment.

My arousal's made a mess on his chin. I drag my fingers across it slowly, then work it all around his rigid masculinity.

He latches onto my hand, bringing it up to his lips.

"You had enough," I whine.

"I just want another taste," he grins before trailing his tongue against my fingers. Negan inches his hips up, ready for me to take all of him.

Not yet, motherfucker. I get between his legs, taking him by the hilt.

"Oh, fuck. You gotta be…" He lets out a harsh moan when he slides between my lips. "Yeah, fuck this is so hot." His teeth dig into his bottom lip watching me lap myself from him.

"You like that?"

I'm just given some whimper.

"I think I just broke the former Savior leader. Maybe I'll fuck you back together."

Another whimper as his head nods feverishly.

I give Negan a brief lap dance, grinding my ass against his inner thigh before I straddle him.

Negan is so goddamn flustered right now, he doesn't even know what to do with his hands. Instead, he just stares back at me with an open mouth.

I rock against his muscled thighs, reaching behind me to caress that vulnerable pendulum I used to give him so much shit for. Now my hands are all over it. All over him. I'm all about this man in every way.

He squeezes my neck, moving me against him so his lips touch to mine. His other hand firmly on the curve of my ass as he helps me ride him. Negan presses his lips to my ear as he starts to moan. His gruff voice vibrating against my hot sensitive skin. "RM," he breaths, dragging my name out before breathing harder against me.

One more moan is all it takes as I become some filthy fuck unable to control the things coming from my own mouth. Then this blinding release as I scream his name.

Both of his hands latch onto my ass as he uses all the strength in his forearms to help me meet his thrusts.

"Fuck!"

His hand slams hard against my ass and I yelp in protest. "Up," he commands.

"But I-"

"I said get up, **now**."

Have I angered him? I don't understand! That was the best release of my life and he won't even let me enjoy it?

"Get down on your knees, then turn around."

Once I'm on all fours, he makes me face away from him.

"Play with yourself."

I reach between my legs and give him this show.

He pushes me against the carpet by the middle of my shoulder blades so it's just my ass sticking up in the air. "That's it." Negan sits back on the couch as he starts to stroke it while he watches me.

"The carpet hurts my knees."

"Then you better finger that cunt a little faster. I want you nice and wet for me."

"This is degrading!"

"I'd believe that if you weren't running down the side of your stockings."

I whimper, moving my fingers faster. "Fuck you."

"Alright. Since you've been such a good little girl."

My stomach tightens in anticipation when I'm flipped over and my knees are pushed apart.

"Bring that tight slit mitt here," he growls, sliding me across the carpet by my ankle.

I'd laugh if his fingers weren't so far in-fucking-side me right now. "Oh, god!"

"Negan." I'm corrected by a smack to my hip. "Try again."

"Negan," I moan.

"Again!"

"Negan!"

" **Madsen fucking who** ," he growls, entering me entirely with one possessive deep thrust.

I arch my back, accepting his hard length with a cry. Here I had asked him to fuck me and make me forget the others, well, that's exactly what he did. Writhing under his virile massive frame as he continues to delve harder against me. Making me immobile. Sweat collecting against his brow drips against my neck as his teeth clench together. This side of him is so fucking hot to watch. My eyes widen as I clench in excitement.

Air is forced from his lungs before he takes in another deep breath.

I run my fingers up his hair roughened chest before curling them against the hard well-rounded muscles on his shoulders.

The thick veins strain against the flushed skin of his neck and then a moan leaves his lips.

"Fuck," I scream when I feel him explode inside me only to find a release of my own. Yes! It feels so fucking good as he claims me over and over. It's worth the rug burn on my back, and on his forearm and knees.

"Yeah, my little pink sink," he smiles.

I laugh because Dominic always used to say that.

"It's about goddamn time."

He's given another laugh as I nod slowly back at him. Is this what sex is like sober? It's unbe-fucking-lievable! It's enough to stay sober for good! "I want you to know that I didn't mind your sweaty skin pushed up against mine."

"Thanks, bitch. That's real fucking nice of you to say." Negan gets this real serious look on his face before his eyes widen. "Oh, Christ," he screams. "It's on my fucking leg. It's on my fucking leg! Get it off. Get it off. Get it off! There's one on my fucking leg!"

I tilt my head to the side some as I see the spider scamper up Negan's leg. "Chonsey!" I reach over and scoop him up. "Oh god! The whole time you were just high as fuck? You gotta get detoxed like me now, you cute little Cheeto."

"I've never been more fucking relieved in all my life to know that a spider is alive and not under my boot. That thing is going in a fucking cage with like a protective padding or some shit."

"You don't put spiders in a cage. Besides, I've never confined Chonsey. He does what he wants." I giggle watching Chonsey scamper down my arm to the floor.

"What's that look for?"

"Nothing, it's silly."

"Try me."

"Well," I redden. "This is the closest thing I've had to a family since Madsen and the others."

"That thing," Negan points at Chonsey, "ain't family. But, I'll settle for you."

"Fuck you, dumpy."

"Fuck you, too, bitch."

Heh, maybe fuck you will be our always.

* * *

Things are finally starting to go our way. Chonsey ends up making a full recovery. Plus, there are only a few days of winter left. Negan seems preoccupied for the moment, so I use this free time to keep it real. "Cause silicone parts are made for toys," I rap, squatting down and jerking my pelvis. "When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung, wanna pull up-"

"Don't mind if I do," Negan smirks, gyrating his hips against mine.

"Get that sausage sword away from this juicy double."

Negan groans in discomfort, touching his stomach. It must be upset or something because it keeps making all these gassy noises. "God, I fucking miss the days when you could just open up the refrigerator and get something to eat. Sure wouldn't fucking complain that there's nothing to eat now."

"What's a refreighter?"

"What?" Negan points to the kitchen.

"There's no food in there. That's a closet." I walk over to it and tug on the broken handle.

Negan covers his nose with his palm for whatever reason. "Huh? Where's all the food? Why are there only toys in here?"

"Because no one touches my things this way." For whatever reason, that I don't fucking understand, his eyes welled up.

"That ain't how it should be."

It makes perfect fucking sense to me.

"Did your mom ever feed you?"

"I told you, man. That's what the food pantry was for." Damn, there's all kinds of good shit in here that I forgot about.

He reaches inside and pulls something out.

"Ooh, my noise shaker."

"Give me back that goddamn thing." He swipes it from my hand. "There's supposed to be water inside of here. You push this button and try to get the rings on the pegs." Negan fills it up to show me, which I find to be a waste of water, but whatever. "See?"

"I don't like it this way. It doesn't make noise."

Negan shakes his head. "What else do you got?"

I pull this blue toy from the closet. "MDMA monkeys."

"What the fuck? This is a barrel not some drug storage container. The name of the game is Barrel of Monkeys."

"That sounds made up."

"Well, it's not. Why is everything broken? Or pieces fucking missing."

"Broken? My stuff isn't broken."

"These are some pieces from the game mousetrap, don't ask me how I fucking know that."

"Oh," I frown. "No wonder it was cheap."

"RM?"

"Just leave me alone, man." I retreat back in my room because I know it's the one place he won't go in, and curl up on my bed. Why would Mama not teach me this stuff? When I lived at home, things were different. This is all I knew. Now, I feel so fucking stupid every time someone tells me that's not what I thought. Well, how was I supposed to fucking know? If it hadn't have been for Madie, there's no telling how stupid I would have been.

...

I wake up in the living room on dingus' lap in the chair. For once, he closed his fucking mouth and we just sat in silence. Damn, I must really look pathetic for him to shut the fuck up. I notice on my lap is my one-month sobriety coin. Has it really been a month already? This has been one of the hardest months ever. Here I am feeling sorry for myself and I'm not seeing the positives like Chonsey being alive. And I guess this one. I straddle Negan and press my lips to his. It felt nice to have a human being there for me again. To experience something like intimacy again, at my own choosing.

"Yeah, bitch," he moans.

I don't mind the offensive name. No one would understand Negan and me, and that's okay.

* * *

I about break my goddamn neck when I get up from the chair.

Negan finds it fucking hilarious as he holds his sides as if he ate too much.

"Dumpy, what the fucking shit?!" He tied the feet part of my stockings together. "Not cool man! Not fucking cool!"

"It's a little goddamn funny. Anyhow, get some pants on. Winter is over. Figured we could start gathering supplies and leave."

He's right. I need to leave this life behind. Especially, this one. I hate scavenging with Negan though. I'm always in trouble for picking up items he says aren't survival.

"No."

"But I want it!"

"I said no!"

I stamp my foot against the floor and put back the forty-six-inch inflatable clown. "You never let me have the essentials I want."

"That ain't how you use that word. Shut the fuck up and keep searching."

Whatever, I'll take it when he's not looking. We're ambushed by two undead in the next room, but it's no challenge for Negan. "What happened to Lucille? It's weird seeing you with a knife."

"That grilled cheese faced fuck took her."

Oh damn. Dwight is on borrowed time to take Lucille from Negan. "Does that mean we're going back to Sanctuary?"

Negan presses his hand against the wall, hanging his head with a sigh. "Look, I know after what those men did to you that's probably the last place you want to be but at this point, it's the only option I see."

At least I can see Simon again. "If you promise not to hurt those men, we can go."

"How can you stand here and ask that of me? After what they did to you!"

"Exactly. Did to **me** , Negan. Not you. Therefore, it's my choice and I say no."

"If I ever meet your mother, I swear to Christ I'm going to fucking strangle her."

Normally, I would get upset at the idea of someone threatening Mama, but I just scoffed at the idea of Negan hurting her because I know he'll never get that opportunity. Mama is gone, just like everyone else in my life. At least, that's what I thought until I open up the trailer door. "Mama?" Oh, god. She's still as beautiful as ever. Long tanned legs. Full red lips. Soft long black hair. I'm so happy to see her. To know that I'm not completely alone. "Mama," I smile.

Mama launches her ashtray at Negan.

"Fucking cunt," Negan snarls.

"Mama, stop this right now!"

"What'd I tell you about this motherfucker in my house?"

Ugh, pathetic. She's so high right now, she thinks Negan is Madsen knowing damn well Madsen is dead. "Mama, this is Negan, not Madsen."

"Baby, bring me my carton of smokes."

"Yes, Mama."

Negan puts his arm out to keep me from going further. "Get it yourself, you fucking drugged out whore. The days of RM being your bootlicker are over."

Mama gives Negan the most twisted smirk before she shifts her eyes to me. She starts to cough, then touches her chest. "Baby, Mama is real sick."

My eyes widen. "Oh, no! Mama, are you okay? Let go," I yell at Negan when he grabs my arm.

"You manipulative fuck. RM, there ain't nothing wrong with this slut."

"You're saying hurtful things!" I free my arm and hurry to Mama. "What can I do?"

"Baby, get me my stash."

"I… I gave it to Ren. I thought you were-"

Mama hauls off and slaps me across the face. "Look here you little motherfucker-"

Negan clears the couch, taking Mama to the floor.

"No," I scream, tugging on his arm.

"You ever raise your hand to her again and I will put you in the ground."

"Get a new threat, Madsen."

"You stupid bitch." Negan spits in her face.

"Stop it! Stop it," I beg. "Negan, if you hurt her we're done," I threaten. Though it's not really a threat, I'm serious. **No one** is going to hurt my Mama.

"RM, what the fuck is wrong with you!?"

"What a stupid fucking name," Mama mutters, lighting her cigarette.

"Outside with me, RM. And I fucking mean it," Negan yells.

"I don't like your tone! You're being ugly!"

"Now," he growls at me.

I hang my head in submission with a whine. "Okay."

Once we're outside, Negan turns into a completely different person. He gets on one knee, just like my Madie. Except Negan's eyes overflow with tears and he breaks down in front of me. "Please, don't go back to her," he begs.

"Don't make me choose."

"I see that way you look at that woman and I know your mind is made up. Isn't it?"

"I don't want to go back to Sanctuary to watch you hurt those men."

"Fuck, at this point, I would do whatever you want if it means not leaving you behind with her. What if I promise not to hurt them?"

 _I will do anything that you want._ _ **Anything**_ _. I'll never harm another person._

This is exactly like Madsen, which means I know how this is going to end. "This is where I belong. I gotta stay here and make sure she's okay."

"But... what about us?"

"I'm sorry, but she needs me. I won't abandon her again."

"RM, don't do this to us."

"I'm not doing anything to us. If you don't want to stay here with me then I'm sorry but my mind is made up."

"So that's it?"

"I guess it is." And just like that, I watch Negan walk out of my life. It's hard. I want to chase after him, but I can't leave Mama in her bad health. "Goodbye," I frown until Negan is just a memory like all the others. So much for family. "Chonsey, come on now," I tell him as he scampers in the door behind me. As the door latches, I feel a wrenching pain in my gut. Am I making the right choice?


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N I know most of you were upset by my choice to have RM stay with Rebel. In fact, one of the reviews I received was "the last part sucked dick." LOL. I promise that there is merit in my decision to have her stay behind.**

* * *

 _ **discombobulated** (adj.) emotionally confused or uncertain._

* * *

As the door closes, the light goes with it until it's only dank decay. Like my former captivity in Sanctuary. I can almost hear the Savior's voices in my head. Chonsey stays close to the door, and I know it's because he doesn't agree that I'm back here. When I try to scoop him up, his hair rises in anger. "Mellow fucking out, you cocksucker. Can't anyone see that I'm making the right choice?"

"Baby, get my smokes," Mama coughs.

From the sound of that cough she doesn't need to be sucking this shit down, but I do as I'm told.

She's doing heroin when I get back to her room.

I never realized just how violent of a process it is. Her arm is black and blue. Several of her veins are infected or collapsed. There is track marks any place she can get the needle. This one is going in her hand.

"Here." She gives me the syringe.

It's not even a temptation for me. In fact, I'm frightened by it. Mama is the most beautiful person I ever saw but right now it's like she's turned into someone else.

"What are you waiting for?"

"I don't do that stuff anymore."

"You clean is a goddamn joke. Now I said take it. I ain't got all fuckin' day."

"Mama, I have always obeyed you, but I want to stay clean this time. I've worked hard at this." I show her my sobriety coins. "See? This is for staying clean for-"

"You'll fuck it up," she slurs, before passing out on the filthy bare mattress.

So, that's what I look like high. Ugh, pathetic.

...

I was only able to catch one crab in my trap, but that will be more than enough to feed Mama and me. "Here, eat something." I crack the leg and pull the meat out because she looks too weak to even do that. It's actually a rather barbaric thing to do, and I can't stomach eating any of the meat. "Mama, what did Madie say that night to you before he died?"

She slaps me across the face. "I don't ever want to hear that fuckin' name in my house. Do you understand me? Do you?!"

"I'm sorry."

"You make me hurt you when you disrespect me."

I get up from the couch to go to the bathroom so I can inspect the damage. Loyalty to me is everything. Just like it was to Madsen. Except, right now, I'm having a difficult time understanding why I should be loyal to someone who keeps hurting me. I think about my brother who gave his life and she didn't even care. To her, it was one less mouth to feed. Mind you, a mouth that I fed. Mama has never provided for me other than this roof over my head. A roof that only houses bad memories. I move my hand across the mirror to wipe some of the dust from it. She struck me so hard it's swollen and her nail cut my cheek. Everyone has to take a beating sometime in their life, but I can't remember a day that went by that she didn't hit me. Whether it was because she was mad about something, or because I didn't want a man to touch me, or because I was just simply within arm's reach. "Mama, I want to talk to you-" My eyes look fearful at the man she's let into the house.

"We're going to go into a business. The two of us."

I know the answer to my question, and I hope that just once it's not what it seems. "What kinda business?"

"What we're good at."

"Mama, that's wrong. Negan taught me that-"

"Fuck Negan! You ain't thinking with your right mind since him. You been sassin' me left and right!"

"I'm not going to prostitute myself for drugs. I let those men touch me before so you could have your drugs, but no more!"

"You're going to do as I say."

I take a step away from the man and shake my head. "You'd really do this to me? Make me go through with this?"

"Baby, I told you. These men are going to take it from us. Might as well get something out of it. Do you see what I'm saying?"

Men?

She runs her hand through my hair before looking at the door and nodding.

Another man comes into the room.

"No," I whine, begging her to reconsider.

"It's done, Baby." She takes the drugs from one of the men before leaving me alone with them.

"Mama," I scream, backing against the wall. My pleas mean nothing to her or these men. Hands touch in places they have no business being. She sold me out to be raped by these men for a few bars of Xanax. My stockings are stripped from me and I'm forced to the ground. Blood sprays across my face, and I look up to see a knife lodged right into the man's testicles.

Negan tackles the other man to the floor and beats the living fuck out of him. "You wanna force yourself on this woman, you fucking fuck!" There isn't anything left of his face when Negan is done, then goes back to the other man to finish him off.

I have to look away. It's even more gruesome than the other man and huddle naked in the corner. Even though I know the men are dead, it startles me when Negan places his hand on my back. "You came for me."

He wipes my tears, unable to speak. Negan gets my stockings, helping me back in them.

While Negan helps me get dressed, my tears recede inward. My sorrow turns violent. I'm not going to have him pity me, nor am I going to allow this to ever happen to me again. I lunge for one of the men's guns and raise the gun at Mama who stands horrified in the doorway.

"Baby-"

"I am **not** your baby anymore," I bellow. "You… you didn't protect me. You let men rape me." All these years, all these fucking years, that I have thought it's just the way things are but it's not. No man has the right to touch you. That's rape.

 _You don't realize that what she's doing to you is wrong. No man has the right to touch you. That is rape. It's the worst thing someone can do to someone else._

Just like my Madie told me.

 _Regardless of your reputation and what you wear, it doesn't give anyone the right to touch you if you don't let them. That's rape, RM._

Just like my Negan told me. "Nothing makes it okay for a man to touch me! That's rape!"

"I told you that my dad did the same thing-"

"I don't care what your dad did to you. You should have protected me, not made the same mistakes as him."

"Baby-"

"Not your baby," I scream, my finger touching to the trigger.

"RM," Negan tries to referee, "give me the gun."

"No!"

Negan wraps his fingers around the barrel. "You don't want to do this."

"Like fucking hell I don't. She deserves to die!"

"This isn't you. You don't kill people!"

Mama comes closer. "You're weak as fuck. That's why you won't do it!"

"No!" I shove the gun right in her face. "You're the weak fuck! Look where your decisions have got you? A cracked out junkie in some shit fuck part of town with no one and **nothing**." I can see it in her eyes.

She knows that she is no longer able to control me.

I know that she is no longer able to control me. That girl is gone.

"RM, don't do this," Negan tries to reason with me, touching the gun once more.

"Please," she begs.

I've never seen Mama beg, but that's not why I show her mercy. It's the same reason that Madsen didn't kill her. I want her to suffer without me, and she will. Otherwise, she never would have reverted back to the old habits of selling her own daughter. I release the gun so Negan can take it. "You deserve to die after what you put me through but I'm not wasting one more second of my life on you anymore. I'm going to leave you here to rot."

"Baby-"

Negan strikes her in the mouth. "She ain't your fucking baby, you fucking whore. I, unlike RM, don't possess a conscience and won't hesitate to empty this fucking clip into your skull. Don't give me any more reason that I already have. You stay the fuck away from RM."

I've never seen Mama cry, but she breaks down as she falls to the floor. Fuck compassion. She deserves to feel like shit. "Chonsey," I call, as he scampers towards me. I hoist him up and start to collect my things.

Mama begs and pleas, but those mean dick to me. Just like mine did to her.

I feel as if my entire life has lead up to this moment. The events that unfolded gave me the strength to finally sever the one person I never thought I'd be able to let go of. I feel like I die in the trailer and as I stepped through the threshold to leave everything behind I am reborn into this new woman. My only regret is that Madsen isn't here to see it. As the trailer park fades behind us, it's one memory I'm glad is finally in the past. And to know that woman will never hurt me again.

"Can we do affection?"

I smile up at Negan and take his outstretched hand. "Yeah, we can do affection."

"I'm really fucking proud of you, bitch."

I smile up at the burly fuck.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I, uh. Well, it's just that… I wish Madsen was here."

Negan's grip on my hand becomes a little tighter. "He'd be real fucking proud of you, too, RM."

My eyes well up from his kind words that don't have a hint of jealousy to them. "Thank you, dumpy."

* * *

The actions of yesterday come with consequences because I find myself disgusted that I allowed myself to even consider ending another person's life. Even if that person deserved it. Yet, I don't regret what I did and maybe that's where the disgust is coming from.

Negan rubs my back some as it startles me.

"Sorry. I'm just kinda unnerved right now." My eyes well up as I fold my arms tighter across my chest. The strong woman I was yesterday crumbles. Before I know it, I'm sobbing.

He moves me into his arms.

"What if you hadn't have shown up when you did?"

"Don't think like that."

"Those men ripped these stockings. They're ruined," I cry.

"They're not ruined. The rips and runs don't change the fact they're still stockings. I'd still let you rub them on my dick."

I start to laugh. "You always know what to say."

"My mouth **is** my best feature."

"Yeah, it's good for some things." I know Negan was hesitant about fucking me after what those men did, but it helped. It's only him I see. The way his hands grip my skin. His lips finding all my sensitive spots. He knows just how to move his hips to make me call his name.

Negan cleans me up after we fuck. Helps me get dressed. Makes sure I'm as comfortable as I can be in this tiny damp shed. "I got a couple miles down the road when I saw your power wheels you left."

"So you're saying if I hadn't have left it there you wouldn't have come back?"

"No, I'm saying that I know I've fucked up. A lot. I know that thing was left there because you were trying to get as far away from me as you could. Fucking that girl was a big mistake."

"Yeah, you're lucky you don't have a disease."

"Bitch, would you just listen to what I'm trying to tell you? I'm saying that I'm willing to try this monogamy shit. Because I think, after everything, the last thing you need is another man disappointing you."

I know most women would think, how fucking romantic. Part of me is scared about things getting too serious with Negan. In the back of my mind, I know he doesn't have many choices out here. Once we get to wherever we're going to, how long is monogamy going to last? I'm not stupid, I know what being with Negan means. His heart, no matter how much he thinks otherwise, will always be for Lucille. Just like there is a part of me that died with Madsen.

"Well, fuck. I thought I'd at least get some kind of-"

"Negan, I don't want there to be any kind of pressure between us. If we fucking live happily ever after and all that shit, fine. If we don't, that's okay, too. I just want us to go where we need to go."

"You know, rumpy, you say real motherfucking smart shit sometimes."

Maybe. Or maybe I'm just making excuses. Either way, it doesn't really matter. After everything the last twenty-four hours, I'm exhausted. "Can you face the other way so I don't have to hear your chest hair against your shirt?"

"Fuck you," he laughs.

* * *

God, I'm bored.

Negan's been staring at this river now for what seems like a waste of time.

"So… are we going to just keep standing here holding our tater tits or what?"

"We need to cross the river. I can't swim across, hold our shit above water, and get you to safety at the same time but there are undead everywhere so I can't exactly leave you here and take the shit first."

"Calm your tits, dumpy." I drop my bag to the ground and pull out my forty-six-inch inflatable clown.

"Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?!"

"No. I'm not, bitch. Tell me it ain't an essential."

Negan folds his arms and looks away embarrassed.

"Here, make all your hot air useful." I fling the clown his direction.

"Goddammit," he mumbles, as he starts to blow the thing up.

I snicker at him because not only was I right, but he's doing all the work for me. Fuck yeah. This thing is real fucking nice. I pack my boots in my backpack before Negan helps me on the clown.

"RM, you need to-"

"Yeah, yeah, just give me a stick or something to use as a paddle." I make it across the river with ease, only getting a little bit of my feet wet.

It takes Negan for-fucking-ever, and he ain't happy once he gets out of the water.

Great, just as we were starting to get along he ruins things with his shit fuck mood. I can't wait to get to wherever it is we're going to so we don't have to be up each other's ass every day. Unless that someplace is Sanctuary. Getting the air out of this fucking clown takes forever, but I finally manage. "You know, I'm like a white trash Mike Gyver."

"That was almost an hour ago and you're still going on about it? For the record, his name was MacGyver."

"Are you sure, that sounds made up-"

Negan is hit over the back of the head by a gun.

"Move and I'll fucking pull the trigger," the man threatens Negan.

"Leave us alone!"

The man grabs me by the scruff of my neck and shoves me to the ground with Negan.

"You ripped these stockings, you motherfucker!"

Negan covers my mouth, pulling me to him. "Be quiet," he whispers.

We're joined by seven more men as they make a circle around us. "The big guy could be useful, but he ain't gonna play nice. Take their shit after you kill them."

"Negan," I wine.

* * *

 **A/N Beautiful Tragedy will be one year old next month, and I have something special in store for it!**


	21. Chapter 21

_**zugzwang**_ _(n.) A situation in which the obligation to make a move in one's turn is a serious, often decisive, disadvantage, or one that will result in damage or loss._

* * *

Well, at least if they kill us I don't have to go back to Sanctuary. Still, I find myself wanting to beg these men to reconsider. Negan's grip on me is suffocating and even then I scoot closer to him. I don't like feeling vulnerable. "Fuck you guys," I hiss.

"What the **fuck** did she just say?" As the man reaches to grab me by my hair, he's struck between the eyes with a bullet. Before he can hit the ground, two others also fall with him.

I bury my face against Negan's chest hoping this Good Samaritan has a shred of decency. At least these men were going to kill us. There's no telling what might be in store for us now. An answer that comes almost instantly when that Samaritan steps in front of us. My eyes trail up his dirty denim jeans and dark washed button up shirt. In one hand is a shot gun that was never fired. In the other, a police issued beretta. Now missing eight rounds as my eyes take in the devastation around us. Who knew the head had so much blood in it?

"I had to kill them, kiddo."

I nod at his words. "People get outta line, I know."

He takes my hand, pulling me to my feet.

"I missed you, Cheeto."

Cheeto cracks a smile, something that I've rarely seen. "Things ain't been the same without you."

"Well, duh. That's because I'm a fucking Queen."

"Yeah. You are."

"Jesus Christ, don't add to her delusion," Negan scoffs.

Cheeto gives Negan a breathed laugh before he fires off a round that barely misses Negan's head. "I won't waste the next one."

"You cocksucking motherfucking motherfucker!"

"Stop it," I plea. "Cheeto, Negan is my friend. Don't fucking threaten him. He ain't some little bitch, and you won't like it if he fights back." Cheeto isn't really a big dude, it's all the ways he knows how to kill people that are scary. Obviously. He just took down eight fucking fucks himself. Retired NYPD SWAT, Cheeto is apathetic in almost everything except when it comes to money, his truck, alcohol, and my safety. A promise he made to Madsen. Even though he's in his late fifties by now, you do not want to fuck with him. Heh, his short buzzed brunette hair is graying.

"You look different."

"I'm sober."

He chews on the inside of his cheek while fishing a flask from his pocket. "Madsen'd be real fucking proud of you if he were still here."

"It's only been a few weeks. Is… what about Dominic? Is he… alive?"

"Yep." Cheeto spits once to the ground. "I see that fuckin' tarantula is, too."

"Be nice!"

"It belongs in a fuckin' cage."

"That's what I said," Negan agrees, also looking at Chonsey with disgust.

"Fuck a bunch of you guys. Any-fucking-way, you two holding up in the shop?"

"Nah. Dominic's trailer. Just hauled my airstream over to his land."

"Do you have a big community?"

"No. People come and go. Ren stops by every now and then. That kid with the glasses is usually around."

"Specs?!" My heart leaps.

"Uh huh. So… we gonna just stand here or what? I've been trackin' this group for a while. They've got six more with them."

I figured we'd be walking back, but I see Cheeto's truck is still running. Not that I'm surprised. I feel so much better once Cheeto takes us the other direction. The farther we can get from Sanctuary, the better.

Cheeto sizes Negan up once more before his arm goes protectively around me. "You got some place you want me to drop you off, Negan?"

"What are you implying? That I'm not welcome?"

Great. Negan and Cheeto are already at odds and we haven't even got back to Dominic's. "Stop being nasty to each other. I'm happy. Don't ruin this. It's like we're a family again."

"Just because some people have the look don't mean they fit the part, RM."

"Cheeto, you're pissing me off!" Holding his tongue was something Cheeto was never good at. He did it all through Madsen's relationship with me and now it seems like he's going to do the same with Negan. Madsen could always put his foot down and shut Cheeto up, but that's not going to work with Negan.

"Here. Put in your cassette tape." Cheeto hands me the music mix I made.

At least, this way, these two can't argue.

...

Cheeto wakes me up once we park.

I notice the black eye he has, then quickly turn my attention to Negan. His is also swollen. "Goddammit, you two." This is supposed to be a good day, but as long as we're all together there's going to be tension. At least that subsides when I see Dominic on his porch.

He's leaning over on the railing, watching these two trash squirrels fight. "Remember when watching pussy go at it was an entirely different thing?"

Cheeto gives a disgusted noise at him, flinging the door open on the trailer.

Dominic snickers, but turns off his amused expression like a switch. "R- RM?"

"You sound like Specs stuttering," I giggle.

His massive limbs engulf me. "Christ, I thought I'd never fucking see you again."

"Gross. Put on a shirt!"

"You know you like it, RM."

Negan clears his throat. "Am I interrupting whatever the fuck this is?"

Christ, his words take me back. It reminds me of all the times Madsen would get jealous over Dominic's arms around me.

"The fuck is this," Dominic pales.

I snap out of it. "This is Negan."

"He looks exactly... exactly like... like..." Dominic reaches out and drags his fingers across Negan's cheek.

"You done," Negan huffs.

Dominic just stands there with his mouth wide open.

"Come on, dumpy. I'll take you to our room." Once inside, I point down the hallway to the closed door. "I'll be just a second." I make sure Negan is in the room before finding Cheeto in the kitchen. "That's enough," I tell him, pulling the bottle from his hands.

"I'm a grown ass man," he gripes, taking the bottle back. "Now that you're sober it gives you the right to pass judgment on me?"

"You know that ain't true! Quit being a fuck head. I'd like for you to be comatose while we speak."

Dominic walks in the house still white as a ghost and shaken up. "I gotta fucking lay down."

Cheeto rolls his eyes and takes another swig.

I lower the bottle back down again. "You don't think Negan looks like Madsen?"

"No," Cheeto replies disgusted. "How can you compare Madsen to that fuck?"

"Stop it, you don't even know Negan!"

"I know he can't protect you."

"You didn't exactly protect me, either."

"I told you to stay in the truck, RM! Then I get back and you're just gone. You don't think that I haven't spent every day looking for you?"

It was my fault Cheeto and I got separated. I'll always remember that day because I got to see just how bad the world really was when that group took me away. "I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me."

Cheeto sets his hand on my shoulder. "Not mad, kiddo. I'm relieved."

"The relief you have? That's because of Negan."

"Guess I just don't like seeing you with another man is all," he frowns.

"You didn't exactly like seeing me with Madsen, either. Just cut Negan a break. For me, please? I really like him, Cheeto."

"I'm sorry for raising my voice at you."

"It's been an emotional night."

"I'll go check on Dominic."

What a fuck show, which is the first thing out of Negan's mouth once I close the door. "You have to see it from their side. Dominic and Madsen were like brothers. I'm sure it's weird for Dominic to see you. Hell, I know it was for me. Even Simon said he thought you were Madsen." I have a seat in his lap. "What's wrong?"

"I refuse to call a grown man fucking Cheeto. What is his real name?"

"Charlie."

"You fuck him, too?"

"Stop it!"

"That Fritos fuck has been giving me dirty looks since the moment we met like I took you from them. And your nine-inch dick fuck buddy has his hands all-"

"That's enough, okay? Fuck. Cheeto just saved our lives. What did you think when I told you these stories? That I was making shit up? These people are my family. Stop with all these jealous accusations because you're pissing me off."

"I'm not going to fucking prove myself to them, nor am I going to kiss their asses trying to uphold Madsen. I am who I fucking am and if they don't fucking like it tough tits."

"Wanna grab my tits?"

Negan made it a point that the two of us were fucking that night. Not that him having any kind of discretion was ever his strong suit.

I went to the bathroom afterward and cried which I thought I wouldn't be bothered but Negan finds me on the floor. "I'm sorry. I'm just overwhelmed."

"Truthfully, I did the same thing that morning after we fucked on your couch. It's just strange because the last person I felt that connection with was Lucille, but it just makes me realize that you're not just something warm to spill into."

"I don't want you to think that I'm living nostalgically through you."

"I never understood when you'd say you weren't attracted to me since I look like him but I get it now. You found this attraction for me based on my looks. Not his. So no. I don't think you're living nostalgically through me."

"I really like you, bitch"

"I really like you, too, you strange broad."

* * *

Fuck, I'm bored. And hungry. "Do we have anything to eat around this bitch?"

Dominic's grip tightens on his girl scout cookies he's inhaling.

"Relax, dingus. And slow fucking down. Don't most people eat one cookie at a time?"

"I got a big mouth," he smirks, shoveling another one in it which awards him a laugh from Negan.

At least I don't have to worry about Dominic and Negan getting along. Those two are practically the same person anyhow.

Negan gets up from the couch, grabbing one of the rifles by the door.

I'm a little taken back that he's going to hunt for me because I'm hungry. After a few hours pass, I figure it's him coming in the door.

"R-RM!"

Goddamn, I never thought I'd miss that stutter.

Specs cries on my shoulder. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

Specs uses his forearm to wipe his snot away. "Stay- stay right here!" When he comes back, he's holding a satchel.

"What's that?" I peek inside and pull an energy drink tab out of the case. The entire thing is filled with them.

"It's how I kept track of the days you weren't here."

I wrap my arms around him.

"She's hugging me! She's really hugging me!"

Specs is my absolute best friend. And a real friend at that. I'm so fucking glad to have my partner in crime back. I can't wait for the two of us to annoy Negan.

"Do you want to color?"

"Fuck yeah I do!"

...

I like coloring at Dominic's because he has the best coffee table to do it on.

Dominic looks over my shoulder at my drawing. "Why don't you color me a mermaid with some big titties?"

"How are you going to fuck a mermaid? They don't even have a fish trap."

"That's what her bikini meat is for."

"Jesus, she's going to need them the size of UFO's to accommodate you then."

"Gross," Specs frowns, getting up from the table.

"Oh, I forgot, we can't talk about that shit around him or he gets all butthurt."

"Don't fucking start, Dom."

"Oh, yeah, you know how hard it gets me when you call me Dom."

"Do me a favor then and face away so you don't poke my goddamn eye out with that thing."

"Wanna try again?"

"No way. Your pig skin trolley is just for show."

Thankfully, we're interrupted by Negan. He walks back to our room but it's only to get his knife.

I wonder what he killed, and hurry to the front door to see.

Dominic puts his arm against the door frame, looking out the screen door with me. "Negan taking care of your needs?"

"Look at how big that motherfucker is. What do you think?"

"Damn, I bet that pussy is wrecked!"

"I'm going to wreck your face, bitch!"

"No, you won't. I remember that much about you. You got that thing about violence. Remember that night Madsen cut Ducky's balls off for raping you? Goddamn, you were pissed at Madsen."

"Ducky still around?"

"Sorta."

"Is he one of those creatures?"

"Nah."

"Well, what happened?"

"He's buried out back."

"Goddammit. I'm not proud of you right now."

"All I'm saying is some piece of shit touches my woman, they get what's coming to them. Saw him not long after all this shit went down and took a bead breaker to his skull."

"I'm not your woman."

"Yeah, you never gave me a chance."

"I never gave anyone one really."

Dominic sighs, stuffing his other hand into his front pocket. "He loved you, RM."

"Madsen was a fool. I can't even love myself."

"Does that poor fuck know?"

My eyes focus on Negan as he places his hand over the deer's eyes before he guts it. Tears well up in mine at his gesture. I'm going to fuck him so hard when he gets inside. "I tell Negan everything." Fuck it, why wait until he gets inside? I shove the screen door open, hurrying down the steps and across the yard.

"Oh, fuck. I thought you were one of those undead-"

My lips silence his words and I tug at the zipper on his pants.

"Whoa, I'm-"

"Shut up and fuck me, Negan."

"Yeah, my little cock pocket, I'm gonna fuck you so hard."

That was my plan, but whatever. I snap my eyes shut when he slams into me. I'll admit, even I think this is a bit trashy, but once I'm under this motherfucker I don't care.

...

"Aren't I a fucking gentleman? Shooting my load on the grass so you don't gotta walk back inside with it running down your leg."

"What the fuck is wrong with us?"

"Not a goddamn thing." He reaches for my shorts above my head.

"Why do you always help me dress after we fuck?"

"Because you won't do it yourself."

"Bullshit."

"I guess it's kinda my way of apologizing after spasming on top of you."

"Bullshit."

"... fuck. Fine. Because Lucille used to bitch that I'd roll over and pass out after we fucked."

"Did you dress your wives?"

"No." He seems embarrassed and goes back to cleaning his deer.

When I was his wife, he used to always get my shirt or shorts for me after we fucked and help me in them. In fact, I can remember very few times when he didn't. I never realized that's his way of saying he cares. And why his cheeks are flushed right now which I'm sure he'll say it's from the sex if I ask. "Wanna do that affection shit later?"

He snorts softly.

I walk back inside as Dominic shakes his head.

"Jesus Christ, how does that big fuck not suffocate you?"

"You fucking pervert."

"He really gave it to you good."

"Shut the fuck up, Dominic!"

"Shut up and fuck me, Negan," he mocks.

"Cheeto!"

Cheeto reaches for his gun on the table, turning it to face Dominic.

"What-the-Christ-ever."

Cheeto watches Dominic go around the corner, then turns his attention to me.

"You gonna bust my balls, too?"

"That motherfucker is big, RM."

"Everyone is big compared to me."

"You know what I mean. He treat you okay?"

"Come on, Cheeto. This is me we're talking about. I don't take shit from no man."

"I ain't bustin' your balls."

I sigh when I start thinking about what Dominic said to me, about how Madsen, uh. Loved… me. "I was kinda mean to Madsen, huh?"

"You were a child, fuck you still are. That shit never sat right with me. Madsen was a grown ass man. Dominic is a grown ass man. Why do you antagonize them?"

"Forget I asked." Despite being hungry earlier, when dinner comes I just pick at my food. Not only because of earlier, but because of the choice in conversation. Negan brings up Sanctuary to everyone, and the idea really goes over well with Dominic which means the days are numbered until we're packing to leave. I excuse myself and go sit up on the roof.

"RM, what's wrong?" Specs has a seat beside me.

I must be really shaken up for him to join me on the roof. He hates heights. "I don't want to go back to Sanctuary."

"I don't want to go either. This place sounds s- scary."

"It is. If we go back, there will be blood. I just know it."

"B- blood?"

"A bunch of men forced themselves on me the last time I was there. Negan wants to kill them."

Specs takes my hand. "Does Negan treat you good like Mister Madsen did?"

As I start to tell him yes, I pause and shake my head no. "He doesn't hurt me or anything like that, but he's not my Madie."

"No one is, and no one will ever be, RM."

"You're right about that," I sigh. Something that I always took for granted is just how easily Madsen's will could be bent. If I didn't want to do it, that was it. "If I told Madie I didn't want to go, he'd listen to me, Specs. Negan has such a hard-on to kill these men that hurt me he can't be reasoned with."

"You must be really upset if you didn't call it like a firm worm or something."

I am fucking upset.

"Mister Madsen didn't always listen to you though, RM. He castrated Ducky. Maybe that's what Negan wants. To hurt those guys like Mister Madsen hurt Ducky for touching you."

"Hey, whose side are you on anyhow?"

"The only one that wants to stay here as much as you is me."

"Yeah, I guess I should talk to Negan. Thanks, Specs."

"I'm just happy we're all together again."

"Well, not all of us..."

* * *

"RM, wake up. Little Negan wants to play."

"I haven't gone to sleep yet."

"What?" He starts to laugh. "You just laid there all night?"

"Negan, I gave this a lot of thought and I don't want to go back to Sanctuary."

"Jesus Christ, not this shit again. We're going."

 _I'm sorry if it felt like I dismissed your concern, RM._

 _You need to let me address my concerns, too, you know?_

 _I know I do, and I'm working on that._

"You're not even letting me address my concerns about why I don't want to go! You're just dismissing me like I'm one of your fucking wives or something."

"Truthfully, I don't give a shit. You think I'm going to stay here in this trailer with these people like it's some alternate version of what you had before?"

"I can't believe you right now. Your jealousy is absurd. This has nothing to do with Madsen!"

"This has everything to do with Madsen!"

"You say don't want to stay here because of what this place represents. Well, it works both ways. I don't want to see those men at Sanctuary and be reminded of the things I went through. Why can't you understand this?"

"Here's what's going to happen. Listen up, RM, because it's real simple. Pack your shit because we're leaving and you better goddamn believe those motherfuckers that touched you are getting what they deserve first."

"I knew it. You sat there and lied to them at dinner last night, selling them this fairy tale fuckery that things were so much better when all you want is to right wrongs that have nothing to do with you."

"This has everything to do with me. You're **mine,** and no one touches what's mine!"

"I belong to no man!"

"I don't know how you swallow that shit."

"Specs asked me if you treated me good and I told him no. This is exactly the reason why."

"Like I give a fucking fuck what these people think of me. This isn't about the way I treat you. This is about you being a spoiled cunt. I'm not Madsen, and I ain't gonna bow down because you pitch a fit."

"You're right. You're not Madsen. Not even close." I slam the bedroom door behind me.

"Awkward," Specs says.

Yeah. It's about to get real awkward up in this motherfucker.

"Well, I'm packed," Dominic announces, gently setting a duffle bag by the door. "Go easy with this one when you load it up, kid."

Specs tugs on the zipper. "It's an entire bag of those red boxed cookies. Didn't you bring anything else?"

Dominic pats another one he brings from his room before dropping it at his feet.

"Let me guess," I scoff. "That one is full of rubbers."

"Only the essentials," he smirks back at me.

"RM, I have Chonsey," Specs tells me.

"Thanks," I murmur, starting outside. I roll my eyes when I see that Cheeto has hooked up his old airstream camper to the back of his truck. "There are five-hundred rooms in Sanctuary. You don't need this piece of shit."

"I don't understand. It's where I keep all my things."

Whatever. Maybe I can stay with him then so I don't actually have to go inside that death factory.

Dominic and Specs both ride in the back of the truck. I'm tempted to ride with them, but crawl in the middle seat.

Negan sighs as he shuts the door behind him. "RM, I don't want it to seem like I don't care about you. I know what's better for you. For us. Sanctuary will give you the protection when I can't. Whether I'm out on a run or just from those undead fucks."

"Yeah because Sanctuary did a great job of protecting me the first time."

"That's why I will deal with them when I get there. We'll put this behind us. You'll see with time why this is the best choice."

"Choice? Sounds like an ultimatum."

"Call it what you want, at this point I'm over talking about it."

Asshole.

When we're joined by Cheeto, I cross my fingers that the truck won't start up, but it did. "You pick what cassette tape we're listening to?"

"I don't care about music. Just leave me alone."

"Alright, then."

Maybe it's good I'm sandwiched between these two fuckers. If I was in the back of the truck, I'd probably hop out. The closer we get to Sanctuary, the more I hope that some fucking herd would come along and block us. I want to curse Cheeto for keeping his truck in such great condition knowing that means something like it breaking down is out of the question. Maybe Sanctuary is nothing left but rubble!

"Home sweet cocksucking home."

Or not. I know Cheeto can tell something is wrong, but Negan is so oblivious to my feelings it sickens me. He didn't give a goddamn about what I wanted back at Dominic's. He's blinded by revenge for something that has nothing to do with him!

Cheeto waits until Negan practically leaps out from the truck to speak. "You don't want to be here. Do you?"

My eyes well up and I bow my head. "No, I hate this home."

"I'll put the truck in reverse if you say the word, kiddo. What do you want to do?"

I think about how scared Specs is to be here and, the truth is, I worry about him, too. Then I think about Dominic and Cheeto and how they could settle down here and maybe even find companionship. There's nothing for them back where we came from. "I..." If we leave right now, what about Negan? I'd never see him again. Would he even care? Would he try and come after me? Or would he just settle back into being the Savior leader, comfortable alongside five wives?

"Rumpy, you coming?"

My attention turns to Negan.

"What's that look for?"

"If I asked you to get back in this truck and leave right now, would you do it? For me?"

"What? Why? No fucking way. Get out of the truck, RM, and I fucking mean it so help me, Christ…"

Wrong answer, motherfucker.

* * *

 **A/N The one year update will be on the 22** **nd** **. I hope you have your shitting pants on.**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N Thank you to everyone who has made it to this point. RM is three months sober today :) Words cannot convey my excitement for this chapter. Enjoy.**

* * *

 _ **Matutine**_ _(adj.) just before the dawn._

* * *

"I'm going to strangle you, bitch."

"Not if I strangle you first, bitch!" This motherfucker!

"Get out of the truck, RM!"

"Sir?"

My eyes shift to the familiar voice. I scoot to the edge of the leather seat and touch my hand to the dash. I'm so fucking relieved to know that Simon is alright. Maybe it's a sign that things are going to be okay here. Heh, he's got his serious mustache on when he notices me in the truck.

Cheeto grunts displeased. "That fuckwit owes us a lot of money. Time for him to pay up."

"No," I snap, taking hold of Cheeto's beretta.

"Let go."

"I'm not going to fucking argue with you. Please. Can someone just respect my wishes today?!"

Cheeto sighs. "Fine, I'll... behave."

I slide over, hopping down from the truck.

Simon seems emotional about our reunion.

I mean, fuck, yeah it chokes me up, too but he's really messed up.

Negan and Cheeto both scoff when Simon moves his arms around me. "Simon, who is in charge around here now?"

Who does he think? God only knows it's not Dwight. "Negan, go away. Can't you fucking see we're having an affection moment?"

Moment is right because Simon lets go of me. "After you were captured they all looked up to me when Dwight couldn't hack it."

Negan bellows out a laugh, folding his arms. "Where is that motherfucker? I want Lucille."

Now, I don't know why because Lucille never really bothered me before, but it fucking upsets me. Negan gets all bent out of shape when I call it his scepter, but that's the first thing he's concerning himself with. Almost like a buffer that if shit goes south with me at least he'll have her. Maybe I should get a pair of brass knuckles and glue a dildo on the end of it so I can call it Madsen.

"He's in Alexandria."

"Motherfucker."

I guess his concern with her is good because it means he's not focused on killing those men.

"Holy titties, look at all the potential applicants for wives- uh," Negan reddens, rubbing the back of his neck. "Sorry. Old habits die hard."

"Oh, bullshit. Keep that soggy croissant roll in the tube, dingus." Negan can try and brush it off, but I see it on his face. He's seeing it as all these women he's not going to be able to fuck. It hurts because I want to be enough for him. I want the man I'm with to not even think twice about other sausage wallets. Is that really too much to fucking ask? Fuck, I know I'm not beautiful and I've got a lot of miles on me, but don't I deserve a real man? Do they even fucking exist anymore?

"Look at all the pink sink here." Dominic rubs his hands together before starting towards one of the women.

"I'd like to talk to RM more, Sir. If that'd be alright."

"No, it ain't fucking alright. Look, you were in charge around here. **How** could you let some kind of human trafficking go on in **my** basement for two years?!" Fuck. Negan is about as subtle as a trolley when it comes to sensitive shit, and he only continues to grow more pissed the more confused Simon looks. "Find me those men, goddammit, or I'm taking this aggression out on you, Simon."

If I don't speak up, Negan is going to kill Simon because Simon has no way of knowing who those men were. "Him," I point to a man playing basketball. "Then there are a few others." I lower my head shamefully. I feel fucking awful.

"Find **every** man in Sanctuary and line them up!" Negan is fucking livid and that doesn't even begin to describe it. He is foaming at the mouth for these men.

"What's going on, kiddo?"

I sigh, knowing Cheeto is going to flip fucking fuck too when he hears what I have to say.

His worn eyes widen in horror. "Dominic," he yells, getting his shot gun from his truck.

I've never been so scared in my life watching four heated testosterone driven men turn Sanctuary upside down to find the men. I'm actually trembling because this is all my fault that everyone is so upset.

"RM?"

I turn around, relieved to see someone familiar. "Birdie, it's all my fault," I sob.

"Baby, what's wrong? It's okay." She pulls me into her arms.

"Not your baby," I cry. "And no it's not! I'm a fucking murdered." I never realized just how many people Sanctuary held until I see all the men standing at the gates.

"Shut the fucking fuck up, you fucking fucks," Negan bellows. It's heard for miles and I know will attract the undead. "I wanna know who led this fuck show down in the basement. I wanna know how many women died, and I want answers or so fucking help me, I'm just going to start picking people at random!"

These sorry fucks fell in line like Negan had never left. The pull he has is incredible. I don't know how he did it, but he didn't even need me to start picking out men at first. It was like he could sniff these fuckers right out. It turns out that two women also know what was happening and didn't say anything. They're also pulled from the lineup. The men start to turn on each other and point out others that Negan isn't able to tell. Jesus, it's at least ten people.

"RM, who else?"

I lock eyes with the man that, for two years, never addressed me by my name. "Him." Something tells me that this motherfucker is going to remember my name now. The punishment? Each man gets his arms, legs, and one thing very personal to him lopped off. Until they're just some bloody torso and head. They'll finish out their remaining hours in the basement, in the dark, while the other pieces are put on the fence as a warning to any rapists. It's pretty much the same thing for the woman, although it makes people more squeamish to watch their special pieces cut off. I want to look away, but I don't. I'm thankful to be in Birdie's arms as I watch this horrific nightmare unfold. It's even more difficult than what I lived through, but I feel like it's necessary that I stand here for the women who can't be. I am certain of two very important things that day. The first one is that Mama is wrong. No man has the right to touch you. Ever. She brainwashed me into thinking that it was okay when it's not. Two, if I don't allow Negan to kill them, I'm only condoning the sexual abuse. I used to think, better it happen to me than to others, but this wasn't isolated to just me. These men hurt other women. Did unspeakable things. This is restitution for the things they've done. My tears halt completely. No more. Never again. Negan is right. These men and women deserve every bit and more. I don't have to enjoy the violence, but I need to respect the reasonings for it. This has been a difficult month for me with the things back at Mama's and now this, but moving past this means those chapters have closed. I never have to repeat them again. As nice as it is to be in Birdie's arms, I need Negan but barely miss him as he retreats inside. Before I chase after him, I notice Simon standing in the courtyard, his hands dripping with blood. There's no expression on his face whatsoever. "Simon, are you okay?" I tug on his sleeve when he doesn't answer me. "Simon?"

"How could I just let something like this slip by me?"

"It's not your fault."

"It is. I shouldn't have been so trusting. This goes beyond what happened in the basement. I should have been there for you as a child. By the time I showed up to try and right some of the wrongs, Rebel said her child died in a fire."

"You came after me?"

"Yes. Look, I know that there's no way of knowing-"

"You don't have to say it." I take Simon's bloody hand in mine. "Maybe you are, maybe you're not. Knowing for sure if you're my dad wouldn't really change things because you're important to me no matter what."

Simon leans over and kisses the top of my head. "You smell awful," he laughs.

"Yeah, I haven't had time to bathe in a while."

"It's okay. I'd rather that than the alternative."

"Alternative?"

"I thought you were dead."

"Why would you think that?"

"They said when you were told about Negan, you took your life." Simon shows me a spot outside the gates.

It's that same spot where I buried the guy's head they were playing soccer with that one time. There's a smaller cross with the rabbit's foot I gave him hanging off of it.

"I come out here every morning," he frowns. "It made me feel better. Only I realized that the majority of our conversations were you so we sat in silence most of the time. I always hoped that you were just out there because there's nobody in that grave. Hopeful that you'd find your way back to Sanctuary. I guess the foot is good luck after all." He wipes his hands down his pants before pulling the foot from the grave and giving it to me.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too, kiddo."

"Does this mean I can't call you my cute little Cheeto anymore?"

He smirks. "Call me whatever you want."

"Okay… dad."

We both start to laugh.

...

My giggles have passed and now it's just boiling rage as I seem to have interrupted a few girls talking to Negan in the parlor. Once they see me, we're left alone. "Why are those girls in here?"

"They heard rumors about the way things used to be. Just seeing what to make of them. Fuck, you act like I told them to come up here!"

"That smug grin tells me you put up a real fight."

"Don't fucking start with me. This fucking smug grin is keeping me just over the line of sane after ripping grown fucks limbs off, you ungrateful bitch."

"You're such a fuckass. Let's just fucking agree to disagree before things are said that can't be taken back."

"What-the-fuck-ever, just go shower. You smell like the lake we swam across."

"I didn't hear any complaints when you were fucking me at Dominic's!"

"I'm going to bed."

I don't even get a chance to respond before his bedroom door is slammed shut. Once I finally get in his bed, it's never felt bigger. The tension is awkward as he faces the other way. "Can I have some covers?" He doesn't respond, but I'm not that stupid. I can hear him grinding his teeth as he stews over everything. "Are you trying to push me away?"

"I'm trying to sleep."

"Right, because you've got an early day tomorrow of finding pussy to rebuild your harem." When he twists around, I slam my eyes shut waiting for him to slap or grab me but he doesn't. I peer one eye open to find him staring back at me.

"You must be really upset if you didn't say like bearded bucket or some dumb shit."

That's the second time someone has said that to me. I'm not upset, I just don't feel like myself. I don't even keep it real anymore. I'm so fucking drained that all the things that make me me are suffering.

"It's just nice. To feel wanted again. Christ, RM, I wish you looked at me like they did."

"Look at you how? Like you're some free ride? They wouldn't give two fucks about you if you weren't the big swinging dick, and you know that. If that's the company you want to keep, I feel sorry for you. But I won't come home to you night after night and wonder if you're putting your dick in other bitches while I'm not here."

"Like you fucking give a fuck," he yells.

"Please don't scream at me," I frown. "After everything today, I just..." My voice is so brittle, I wish I could find the words before it breaks, or before I do.

However, it's Negan that breaks. "Yes, I'm trying to push you away. I just didn't think it would be this goddamn hard," he sobs.

As if I even needed to ask. "I figured. Everyone always leaves me. Always." I think about that day at the toy store with Madsen when I was a little girl.

 _No, not food. Toys._

 _But you said I could get something. This is what I want._

 _Are you hungry?_

 _No. It's to save for later. For when I have to go back to Mama's and I'm hungry again._

 _Why would you think you're going back to Rebel's?_

 _Because you'll leave me. Everyone always leaves me. Always._

 _We will always be together, RM. Maybe there will be times that we're separated but, as long as my heart still beats, I will always find my way back to your side._

"I don't want to leave you, RM, but I know the kind of man I am and the kind of man you need. I'm not that. I'm a motherfucker."

"Yeah, but you're my motherfucker."

Negan pulls me into his arms. He didn't try to fuck me or anything that night. Instead, he just kept his grip on me like I'd come to my senses or something and try to sneak off.

"This is all I wanted earlier, but your dumb cornian keeps getting in the way."

"My what?"

"You know. A cornian. The music box that gets really long."

"That's an accordion. Remember your flash cards we made? Which I'm surprised you didn't use aliens for that."

"Why would I use A for aliens? Aliens start with L, which I wasted it on stupid love, no offense."

"You're going back to school first fucking thing tomorrow."

Yes. I like school. "Can Specs come to school, too? He's never been."

"Yeah, bitch, he can go."

"Will you please make sure he's safe? I worry about him. He's not strong like you."

"Wanna feel my muscles?"

"Promise me!"

"Yes, alright, fine." Negan moves me closer to him.

This is the first time I feel like I can breathe. I hope all my things are still around here. His room is in decent shape. Probably because Simon had it which gives me hope all my things are still in Negan's closet like my aliens and my skeleton book. Guess I'll have to find out in the morning. If I make it to morning with this fucker's vice grip on me.

* * *

When I wake up, I expected a vacant rut beside me, but the dumpy fuck is softly snoring into my shoulder blade. The concept of curling up next to someone like this and sleeping is still difficult for me to try and wrap my head around. He's sweaty. I'm sweaty. I'm stiff from laying in this awkward position. He's stiffer from, well, other things. Which is stabbing my leg. There it goes again...

"I'm sorry about last night. I wasn't in a good place after killing those men."

"But you were so determined to."

"I will always remember the first person I killed. It was this group that we ran into early on when shit started to go south. One of the men approached me and asked me if my boys and I wanted to run a train on some of the women. Remember Amber? She was one of them. Fuck, I just lost my goddamn mind. Beat his skull right the fuck in and back out again. It wasn't premeditated, I just snapped. Just like when I killed that Asian kid or those men at Rebel's that forced themselves on you. These other fucks that locked you in the basement, I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do to them. How I wanted to do it to them. I thought I'd be a welcome release, but I'm kinda fucked up over it. I understand why you didn't want to come back here now. I also didn't exactly help matters shoving you in that truck and barking orders at you. All I could think of at the time was getting to these men. Get my revenge. Revenge that had nothing to do with me."

You know, it's no secret that Negan talks a lot. Shit, if I was writing a novel about him, I could probably fill up two pages of his ridiculous dialogue. But what people don't usually see is this side of Negan. You'd have to truly know him. And he'd have to respect you to tell you. This is the part of Negan I really like. Something reserved for me. "Maybe I should have just asked if you were okay, instead of ripping you a new pudding canon at the sight of those women. I'm sorry, dumpy."

"There was a part of me that enjoyed the attention, so don't beat yourself up too bad."

I already have a lot of trust issues. I'm a jealous person when hands touch what is mine.

"Wanna do affection with our genitals?"

"Yeah, but I want to come twice. Restitution for you being a selfish fuck since we got here." Here I wanted two times, but I don't even get one. Our fucking is cold and awkward. I'm just so ready for him to get off me that I fake my release.

Negan doesn't finish, either. He just goes limp. It infuriates him and I'm left alone.

Eventually, this is going to turn into the motherfucker of all motherfucking arguments. Whatever happens, I can't allow myself to turn back to drugs. I'm doing good. Today marks three months sober. I think. Shit, who can tell anymore? We need some anal fuck about numbers to tell us the day, though I guess that doesn't matter. I get tired of waiting on Negan, so I start my day. "Specs," I call, knocking on Cheeto's trailer. Fuck it, I just go inside. Dominic is passed out on the couch using two women like blankets. When I peek behind Cheeto's sheet door, I laugh. Birdie is in bed with him. Damn, her rack is fucking awesome. I wish my grapes were that ripe. Now, what the hell was I doing? Oh, right. Specs. I notice a comforter over the small bar seat table. Specs has made a little tent using the table.

"Morning," he smiles, adjusting his glasses.

"Did you even get any sleep with those two perverts?"

"The noises just stopped an hour ago."

"I'll ask Negan to get you a room."

"Can we have a room together?"

"I'm with Negan, Specs."

"I miss our old life."

"We can make this one even better. I promise. They have school here."

"I've always wanted to go to school!"

"Come on then! We're going to be late." Being late was the worst of our problems that day. Specs and I kept getting in trouble for the dumbest shit. Like, okay, apparently you can't correct the teacher. I know my fucking math and this bitch is wrong. Oh, and, you can't call the teacher a bitch no matter how endearing it might sound. Great, now I'm going to get my ass chewed.

* * *

Dominic adjusted right away to Sanctuary. Negan gave him a job maintaining the trucks and other things around Sanctuary that he was handy with. It also turned out that there were red boxed Girl Scout cookies in the supply room he spent all his points on. When I asked him how he had the points to be able to get other things he told me...

"I've been sticking my pink in some sink for these points." He presses his fingers to the corners of his lips as he moves his tongue up and down.

I can't really say fuck all. I used to the same thing. "Will you give this crate of stuff to Specs?"

"Where is he anyhow?"

"He's helping build something. I don't really know what it is because I got bored watching and left. Where's Cheeto?"

"Get this, that old drunk created this way to make all kinds of vodka, whiskey, and moonshine. He told Negan he wants a cut of it, but he'll give the other half for points."

Why are the pretty ones always so dumb? "Created? How do you think they've been making alcohol all these years? It doesn't come up from the ground."

"From barrels and shit. You know, like science and fermenting and shit."

"And how do you think it gets in those barrels?"

"Fuck if I know."

Since when am I the smart one? I take the crate and put it under the table for Specs because Dominic will probably forget about the damn thing. That reminds me, I gotta talk to Negan about Specs.

"Hey, RM," Birdie smiles. She's come from behind the sheet curtain.

Did she sleep over again? Go Cheeto. I've never seen Cheeto with the same woman twice. They look nice together, too. The other night at dinner, the two talked most of the time. Hopefully, they work out. I just want them to be happy.

* * *

Negan gave Specs the coolest room ever. It used to be a control room or something because it has all these buttons to push. Specs also has a little balcony to go out on where sometimes the stray trash squirrels can be found. There's this badass table we can sit at and do homework or color. "What the fuck… is… this…?" I dump the jar on the table, then shoot my eyes up to Specs.

"Whoa!" His eyes widen the size of his glasses.

"It's so sparkly!" I pick the shiny dirt up and let it fall through my fingers. "Hey, new skin! Look at my hand!"

"Are you going to be like that forever?"

"I fucking hope so! This is awesome! Help me put it all over my body."

Specs examines the empty jar. "Gli… glitter. Hmm. It says that you just add glue."

"Do you have any glue? Mix that fucking shit up!" Oh, my fucking fuck. Gli glitter is the funnest thing ever! "Hey, Specs, can you see yourself in my stockings?"

"What!?"

"Wait. I don't think I told that joke right." Fuck. What was that Dominic always said? Is that a mirror in your pants? Fuck it. "Nevermind. Do my hair now."

"RM, this stuff is getting really sticky. Look at my hands?"

"Hurry up before the transformation is complete!" I do the only thing logical by picking up the huge clump of glue mixed with Gli glitter and run it in my hair. "How do I look?"

"You look like that slide at the food house Mister Madsen would sometimes take us to."

"Oh, that slide always burned my beauties."

"I wish they had that slide here."

"Yeah… yeah, good point. I'm gonna go ask Negan." Now for some reason, that is beyond fucking me, when Negan saw my new skin he flipped fuck. I mean, this motherfucker was almost as mad about what I had done to my body as he was with those men.

"Get in this goddamn bathtub. RM, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"Well," I pout. "I thought it was a good idea." Once the Gli glitter starts leaving my body, I fight him to get out of the tub. "I'm so fucking mad at you! I can never be fancy as fuck!"

"Hold fucking still before this shit goes in places that we can't get it back out of," Negan gripes, scrubbing me harder with the cloth. The more he scrubs, the more pissed he becomes because it's getting on him, too.

I don't know why he's so fucking opposed to it. The bitch never looked better. I start howling when he gets to my hair.

"Stop it! Or I'm going to shave your fucking head."

"Shave my head and see what fucking happens. I'll shave your fucking chest, bitch!"

"Yeah, you'd fucking like that. Just one step closer to making me Madsen."

Oh my fucking god! This isn't even about Madsen yet he's managed to turn it into that.

...

"Since you wouldn't come down for dinner, I brought you some of that soup. What is that fucking glare for?"

"I want my alien skin back!"

"Shut the fuck up, RM! I can't believe you're still bitching about that shit. That was two fucking hours ago!"

"Bitch, you're just fucking jealous that there's not enough Gli glitter on this planet to cover your dumpy ass. You don't gotta take it out on me."

"Yeah, you fucking know everything."

Ugh! I'm miserable! All we do is fucking fight. I storm out of this motherfucker and go spend the night with Specs but what do I really hope to accomplish? It doesn't solve anything. As I lay awake that night in thought, I think about how selfish I've really been about this entire thing. I'm so hung up on these women Negan's **only** looking at, that I'm acting in-fucking-sane. Negan was really upset about those men and maybe that has a lot to do with it, too. I really wasn't all that compassionate towards his feelings. Fucking compassion. Fuck.

* * *

In school today, I made a replica of Lucille although it looks like a turd. I really tried! Hopefully, Negan likes it until he can get her back. Maybe she'll settle his ass down. When I open his bedroom door, he looks at me like a deer in headlights.

"Uh. Thought you'd be another hour at least." He stuffs himself back in his pants.

"You're pathetic."

"Here we fucking go. I'm pathetic. You're a victim. Maybe if you quit bitching so much and used your mouth for other things I wouldn't have to jerk off. Don't act like you're so fucking innocent. You didn't expect me home either. Otherwise, you wouldn't be trying to hide that dildo behind your back."

"Fuck you." I drop the replica to the floor and storm out.

"Yeah, but you won't!"

I don't know where I'm running to, but it isn't until I hear Cheeto's voice that I realize I'm outside.

"Are you crying?"

"No! My fucking eyes are sweaty. Get out of my way."

"Now, wait just a fuckin' second. Look, I ain't tryin' to get in your business-"

"Then don't!"

"You know, RM, I've seen you put through a lot of shit. Never once were you runnin' from it cryin'. What is wrong?"

I scoot my tears off my cheeks but they just keep falling. "Why do you care?!"

"Because I love you like you are my own flesh and blood. The love a man my age should have for a girl like you. Not this romantic lust Madsen had." Cheeto points up at Negan's parlor sitting cozily on top of Sanctuary. "And this motherfucker... Jesus fuckin' Christ, RM. Madsen'd fuckin' roll over in his grave if he knew you went from him to **that**. You should be a-fuckin'-shamed of yourself!"

"Stop it! You don't know anything about Negan!" I don't know why I'm defending Negan, especially because this is all his fault but no one is going to talk shit about him but me.

"Ren showed up the day before I found you. Said she fucked some guy that looked just like Madsen. Ren! The fuckin' town whore. You know how many times she threw herself at Madsen? Every chance she got. Madsen never **once** touched her. That motherfucker gets inside her the first chance she throws her pussy at him. Men like Negan do not settle down. Out there, he ain't gotta lot of choices. Now that we're here, he's gonna throw you aside."

I look away from Cheeto as I start to cry again.

"I'm sorry, kiddo, but the truth fuckin' hurts."

It's not the truth that hurts. It's that he's saying what is always in the back of my mind about Negan. How can I be so fucking stupid to fall for a man who carries an actual torch for the woman he loved? He's not over Lucille, and I'm so fucking far from being over Madsen.

"Get your things, RM, and let's go home."

He's right. Though, I'm not going to sneak off in the middle of the night. Negan at least deserves the respect of me telling him that I'm leaving. I'm not even barely in the front doors of Sanctuary and find him talking to a woman. "I need to speak to you," I snarl at Negan. "Now."

"Bitch, we were talking," some cunt snaps.

"Excuse me, who the fuck are you? No one. Remember your place before you speak."

"Ladies," Negan smirks. "Ladies." Negan touches my back and leads me from the cafeteria, but I know my fucking way. "What are you doing?"

"Packing my things."

"What? RM, I was just talking to her, damn."

"No, Negan, you weren't. You weren't just talking to her. Just like all the other times since we've been back that you were just talking to other women. I'm not going to do this with you. You want to go back to wives? Fine. But I am not going to let you play me for a fool."

"You are overreacting!"

"Yeah?" I slam my bag against the ground. "Why did you fuck Ren?!"

"Huh?"

"Did I stutter? Or are you stalling?"

"RM, you didn't want anything to do with me."

"So... we argue and you're balls deep in the sausage queen?"

"I wore protection."

"Imagine my fucking relief."

"Okay, sorry, that wasn't what I meant to say."

"You can't handle a relationship. Fuck, neither can I."

"No, your problem is you're too hung up on the man Madsen was that you're not even giving me a chance."

"I can admit that I do hold you to a higher standard because of the man Madsen was, but I think it's pretty fucking typical in a relationship for a man not to try and fuck other women!"

"I wasn't going to fuck that girl! I was just talking to her."

"Bullshit. You're making a mental list so when shit goes south you'll have a backup plan."

"I always have a backup plan."

I don't know why his words fucking hurt me so bad, but I just start to cry. "Don't touch me." I shove him off.

"I'm not trying to hurt you. It has nothing to do with you, RM. Fidelity has never been a strong suit of mine. Even when I was with Lucille, I can't tell you how many other women I slept with. It doesn't mean that I don't care for you. God, you have **no** idea how much I care for you."

That honestly comes as a surprise to me.

He frowns, putting his hands into his front pockets. "I just have wandering eyes sometimes, you know?"

"Okay, so then what you're saying is it's alright for you to fuck other women as long as I'm the one you sleep next to at night. Let's fucking turn that bullshit around. How about I go fuck Dominic, or one of the other Saviors and see how well that goes over with you."

"That's different. No woman of mine is going to make a fool out of me by fucking other men. Wait, RM, come back!"

"Unbelievable," I shout back at him as I run down the steps. "Cheeto," I yell. He better fucking start that truck because we are out of here! "Cheeto," I scream again once I'm in the courtyard. "Chee-" I stop dead in my tracks. In fact, I stop so abruptly that Negan runs right into me. My eyes widen in complete disbelief and I suck in a sharp breath. This isn't real, but I have no explanation as I stare back at the man in the courtyard.

He sits on the picnic table, leaning back against it. One Red Wing boot slung over his knee as his cigarette hangs loosely between his lips and a smile turned my way. Deep blue fuck me eyes staring back at me like I am the only thing that matters.

 _We will always be together, RM. Maybe there will be times that we're separated but, as long as my heart still beats, I will always find my way back to your side._

I take a step towards my dominating silhouette of perfection, managing a whimper first. "Madie?"


	23. Chapter 23

_**Revenant**_ _(n.) a person who has returned, especially supposedly from the dead._

* * *

Am I fucking high and not realizing it? I'm certain he's an illusion. Maybe some delayed reaction from all the drugs I've done until I hear Dominic's voice.

"The fuck... is **this** now..."

As I take a step towards Madsen, Negan yanks me back by the arm with such force, I trip and scuff my knee. "You hurt these soft legs," I yell up at Negan. I didn't think before I opened my mouth what I had said. I'm just so used to yelling at Negan because he's always fucking shit up. I don't take every time Negan puts his hands on me with anything but a grain of salt.

Madsen doesn't see it that way, and he snaps.

If Negan hadn't bent down at that exact moment to pick me up, it would have been a headshot but the bullet goes right over the top of his head.

Negan takes long hurried strides towards Madsen. "Motherfucker, you're going to wish you were dead!"

"No," I shrill. "Dominic! Cheeto!" I charge towards the scuffle, putting myself between the men, but it only infuriates the Savior leader further. I scoop the gun up when it's dropped to the ground except neither of them need the gun.

Dominic is no fucking help because he's in a daze.

Cheeto is nowhere to be fucking found. Probably still hungover as shit.

"Stop it, you're killing each other," I plea.

There's so much blood that each of the little facial features that distinguish them from each other starts to muddle together.

"Fuck you." Negan's fist comes hard across Madsen's jaw.

Madsen takes Negan by his throat, hitting him several times in his ribs.

As Negan breaks free, he picks up a goddamn tool box by a nearby truck and swings it at Madsen.

Madsen puts up his arm to take the brunt of the damage as the tools and other things scatter about.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Now we have projectiles.

The screwdriver that Negan tries to grab is kicked and Madsen takes him by his nape, forcing his head several times against one of the tables. "You want to put your hands on that woman?!" Madsen picks up a wrench and swings it right at Negan's knee in the exact spot that I scuffed mine. He spits on Negan, disgusted. "Coward!"

"Fuck!" Negan grabs part of the wrench as the two struggle to fight for it.

"Watch each other's teeth, please!" Shit! Here I thought this would be like an all time fuck fantasy, but it is horrifying to watch as these two alpha's try and rip each other's throats out. I squeeze the trigger on the Desert Eagle, firing it close to them to try and break up the fight. The hand cannon recoil is so forceful it knocks me right on my ass. It buys me all of two seconds before they're at it again. Thankfully, the aliens bring Dominic back to his body because he steps in, along with some other Savior men. When I say men, it takes six Saviors to hold Negan down. I think the only reason Madsen stopped trying to fight Negan is that Dominic was touching him. "Cool the fuck down," I tell the both of them.

Simon stares back at Madsen in disbelief. "Madsen?"

"Simon?"

"Mister Madsen?"

"Specs?"

"Mad?"

"Charlie?"

"RM," I add. "Now that we know everyone's fucking names."

Madsen uses the crook of his elbow to rid the blood from his eyes. "What is going on?!"

"I should ask you the same motherfucking thing," Negan spits aggressively.

I stamp my foot in frustration. "Stop it!"

Negan pulls me against him. "She's mine."

Funny. Now he wants me. Christ, I know in Madsen's eyes how this must look. He shows up after four years to find his former life only that he's been replaced. And by someone that looks exactly like him. Taller. Younger. Version 2.0.

Madsen's attention turns to Negan's arms tightly around me. "Is this true?"

I wanted to turn and bury my face into Negan's stomach to not have to deal with this fucking shit. Instead, I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. "Yes."

Those weary blue eyes move up to mine and I can't even look at Madsen. I didn't know that I'd be standing here four years from now. It fucking angers me. I know I don't have the right because I haven't heard his side. What excuse could he possibly have? Do I even want to hear it? To suffer more than I already have because he fucking left me. There is a cruel side of me that wants to kiss Negan, and I know that Negan is thinking the same thing but I am so fucking lost right now. I bring my arm up and point at Cheeto's camper. It feels like a Raymond's soup chip noodle just flailing outward and back down again. "I need to talk to him," I whisper up at Negan. I don't want to leave Negan because in Negan's eyes me leaving means it's over. Negan has always felt inferior to Madsen. I don't want this to be a pissing contest. Honestly, I don't know what I want and walk with my tail between my legs to Cheeto's camper. When the door closes behind Madsen, I almost burst into tears but this anal fuck takes a brief moment to wash the blood from him and run some water through his hair. It fuels my anger because that fucking pomade is activated. Goddammit! "Where the fuck have you been?!"

"Watch your tone with me, girl."

"No, fuck that! I want answers, goddammit! You show up all fucking relaxed on that bench with a smirk across your smug face. Fuck you!"

Madsen rises to his full height as his nostrils flare, his sternum popping as he does it.

I whimper, dropping my head in submission.

"Are you done?"

"I'm mad at you," I mumble.

He tilts my chin up with his index finger, his thumb brushing against my bottom lip. "Baby," he frowns.

Goddamn him, all this time and I'm still so weak. My eyes well up in defeat. "You made me mourn you. You... you fucking hurt me." I move out of his grip and sweep my tears away with my arm. "All this time I've fantasized about the two of us together again, but not like this."

"I know."

"That's all you have to fucking say?! I'm not the only one you fucking hurt! What about Cheeto? And Dominic? And Specs? And Chon-fucking-sey? You abandon us! Fuck you." As I start to storm from this motherfucker, part of me wanted to continue to yell at him for being such a fuckhead but I know I'll break down. This still doesn't seem real. As I reach for the doorknob, I look back over my shoulder at his feet. He's wearing my favorite pair of Red Wings. The ones taken from his closet. It angers me fucking more. "Goddamn you," I scream, reaching back and shoving him. Although it doesn't even inch him away. I beat my little fists against his chest in anger. "I hate you!"

There's so much shame on his face. Tears trail down his cheeks.

That's when I start to feel bad.

His hands touch mine and still them against his chest. "The FBI was going to seize the shop. Then put Dominic, Charlie, and myself in prison. I knew it was only a matter of time before we got pinched. What got me rattled was when they started talking about how you'd go to prison as well." Madsen chews on the inside of his cheek in anger. "For those **goddamn** books!"

 _Are you out of your mind?! Having her help you? Jesus Christ, if they ever raided this place and found out she was an accomplice to this she'd be doing time, too._

I tug my hands away from him as I stare up in horror. Fuck. He was right.

 _I did those books for you and you didn't say anything. I was hoping I'd get like a lap dance or something for it._

 _You are not allowed in these books. That is why those efforts went unnoticed. It's for your safety._

All the times I ignored him thinking I was just helping.

"There was a lack of evidence that couldn't convict us, but I knew we were on borrowed time. I cut a plea bargain in exchange for the drugs, money, and the guns. I'd go to jail and, in return, the three of you would be pardoned."

There is no doubt in my mind of the kind of man Madsen is. But trading his freedom for me? "Wait a minute. Wait a goddamn minute. NBCI is close to the strip club. It took you four fucking years to find me!?"

"I was locked up in Florence. Colorado. Seventeen hundred miles away. Do not dismiss my efforts, RM, because I have crawled through hell on my knees to get to you."

Oh god. Jesus, my heart. My fucking heart right now bleeds for him. I touch my fingers to the stubble on his cheek to see the toll the road has taken on this man. "It's really you."

He touches my hand, pressing his lips to my wrist.

I close my eyes because his touch feels so fucking good. As I start to open them, he leans in close for a kiss that's denied. "Madie, I can't… I…"

His forehead rests against mine as his eyes close. "I just thought…" He sighs, pulling away from me. "I know that you are mad at me, RM. I know that you feel betrayed by me, but this was the **only** option I saw fit in the short amount of time I had. If I had known the world was going to fall apart a week after I left, do you think I would have ever turned myself in? I was going away to prison with the intention of never seeing you again. If I had told you that I was going to prison, it would have turned into you doing something that most certainly landed you in there, too."

"Why did you walk from Colorado to your house in the same jumpsuit?"

"It wasn't mine. I went back to County to try and get my clothing, but they were gone."

"You must really love those clothes."

"For your picture, RM. The one you drew me that night and tucked into my pocket. I never got a chance to look at it."

Oh, fuck. That thing… Probably best he didn't look at it. It would have only made this harder.

"Anyway, there was a girl there. She was… young." Madsen looks squeamish as his eyes well up. "Seventeen maybe? These dissolute's kept her in a small cell and… I just lost it."

Oh, god. If he ever finds out what happened to me, he's going to have a breakdown. He's so messed up from this.

"She wasn't clothed, and the jumpsuit the only thing I could find. I let her change once we got to my place. I heard the sound of a window breaking and went to check on her but she was gone."

"You did the right thing, Madie."

"It wasn't enough. She obviously feared me."

"You got her out, that's what's important." Even though this man has been through hell, he still looks so goddamn good. His tanned skin. Strong facial features. Dominating rugged stature. He only shows the road in his eyes though he was never good at hiding anything with them. They give everything away, and right now he's hurting. I keep with the questions before I fall apart, too. "What did you say to Mama that night?"

"I tied her to a chair and sat across from her with my gun ready to put a bullet in her. Debating if it was worth you hating me for the rest of your life but knowing that whore would never hurt you again."

I know that everything happened the way it did because it was supposed to. If he had killed her, I never would have learned the most valuable lesson. I'd still be in denial about rape, and all the horrible things that Mama put me through. And he's right. If he told me that he was being sent to prison, there's no telling what irrational thing I would have done to someone trying to keep us apart.

"Where are your beauties, baby?"

"I ripped them."

"I suppose they wouldn't last forever."

"No. I ripped them, purposely. I ripped them after I found someone else."

"He looks at you the way that I look at you. Like you're the only thing that matters."

"Negan isn't looking to settle down with me."

"Then he is a fool, RM."

I run my fingers on his arm. Madsen has tattooed my name below the crook of his right elbow.

"I probably should have waited, huh?" There's a sadness in his smirk.

"Does this mean you're leaving?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Christ, no. But I don't want to hurt you being with Negan."

"Don't worry about me, RM."

"The last time you said that you left me!"

"I didn't mean to disrupt your life. I just didn't expect not to be a part of it anymore."

God, my heart aches so fucking badly from his words. I leave before I cry in front of this man and retreat to the only place I know he's not going to follow. As I slam Negan's door, I fall to my feet and let out a deafening sob. "What the fucking fuck," I cry against Negan.

"You are the last person I thought would be in my arms."

"I didn't want him to see me cry."

"Guess it's good timing and all that he's here seeing as how you left me."

"I don't want to leave you! I just want you to make me feel important. Shit. Do you really want to throw away the last few years, Negan?"

"No," he says choked up. "I'm sorry for what I said about fucking those other women but there's a lot of truth to it. I know what I have in front of me, but I want more. I get greedy. Start to think about what I'm missing out on."

"Madsen said that you look at me the way that he does."

"Because I meant what I said when I told you that I really do care for you."

"I won't be with a man who doesn't put me first. That's fucking insane to think that any woman would."

"Lucille did."

"Well, I'm not Lucille."

"And I'm not Madsen. Christ, RM, I'm not saying that now that we're back at Sanctuary I'm going to fuck every woman I see. I don't want to fucking lose you."

"So you want me to get even closer to you and when you realize it's not enough you'll destroy me by saying you can't commit? You are so fucking selfish."

"Look, I'm trying, goddammit! I told you that I was willing to try this monogamy shit. You're not something I want to give up on because the thought of you going back to Madsen makes my fucking blood boil. It's a jealous feeling, unlike anything I have ever felt. He's not going to stroll up to Sanctuary and take what's mine."

"I told you I belong to no man!"

"Like hell you don't! I saw the tattoo on his arm. There are a few things that I want to get off my chest. If he wants to stay here, fine, but we are going to have a come to Jesus meeting and he's going to learn that, despite what you say, you are mine."

"Madsen is never going to agree to be in the same room as you let alone talk to you."

"You better convince him, RM, because I guaran-goddamn-tee he won't like my convincing."

"Negan, you can talk all this shit about how you're this badass motherfucker but Madsen was bred for violence. Do not threaten him for your safety. Especially when right now he thinks he has nothing to lose."

"Arrange my meeting, RM. We'll see who the badass motherfucker is…"

* * *

 **A/N I really appreciate the response I received from the last chapter. It meant a lot to me because I was terrified to bring Madsen back. I'm a Nerd and Proud of it had the idea of calling RM and Madsen RMadie. Thanks, that was really cute. So I guess we'll have RMadie or Regan. Now, I left the conversation between Madsen and RM vague on purpose because the next chapter will be Negan and Madsen talking about the last few years, as well as more insight on Madsen and RM. Which means the next chapter will be from Madsen's point of view, and it's a long one.**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N This chapter is mostly Negan and Madsen talking. Told from Madsen's point of view. A few days have passed since the last chapter so he's had time to settle in. RM is sober 4 months today.**

* * *

 _Oh, darlin, darlin, what have I done? Well, I've been away from you too long. And all my days have turned to darkness. And I believe my heart has turned to stone. Oh, darlin, darlin, what have I done? Now I do my talking with a gun. And blood will spill into the gutters. And it will stain the morning sun._

* * *

I instinctively reach for my gun when something wakes me, though it's RM.

"Why are you sleeping on the floor?"

Because I haven't slept in a bed since you. I can't sleep in a bed without you. "What's wrong, RM?"

"Well, I thought it would be a good idea if you sat down with Negan."

I can think of a million things I'd rather do. Piss glass. Put my cigarette out in my eye. Break all my fingers. "RM, it's best if Negan and I steer clear of each other."

"Please, Madie."

That name makes me weak. Even though she's no longer mine, she still has such a tremendous hold on me. "Alright."

"Thank you."

Maybe she wanted that nostalgic feeling one more time, but RM follows me around as I start my morning routine. One that I haven't had in a very long time.

"You look nice today," she smiles shyly as she watches me in the mirror of Charlie's camper.

Her attraction to me only turns the knife in my side again. "Well, you always were beautiful, RM." I walk past her because it's too difficult to be in her presence right now. I've waited four long years for us to reunite all for it to mean nothing. I'm naïve to think she wouldn't find someone else. After all, she was always and will always be perfect in my eyes.

Perhaps, for Negan's safety, I'll brew some coffee first. Though I'm still certain he won't leave that room without a black eye. This coffee maker is bemusing to me. Where does the filter go?

"Here, let me, Sir."

I'm rather offended every time someone mistakes me for Negan. There is a countless list of dissimilarities between us. I catch my reflection on the steel appliance, then fold my arms in disgust. Fine, maybe our appearance mirrors each other.

"See? You just drop the cup in and it brews your coffee."

"It only brews one cup at a time?"

"Yep."

A grunt escapes me. "Amateurs." Who only requires a single cup of coffee? Frivolous useless invention.

"Sugar?"

"For?"

"Huh?" She starts to chuckle nervously.

"Just black. No sugar, no cream." Christ, this coffee is miserable. It's some type of chocolate flavored nonsense. No wonder the kid tried to offer me sugar packets.

My tolerance for people in the morning is starting to take a more substantial amount of time to adjust. It's the little meaningless things that irritate me too like when people say good morning or start a sentence off with how inebriated they were the night before. Is this some way people gain acceptance? I hadn't really noticed that prior to the outbreak. Perhaps because people rarely tried to make conversation with me if possible. My solitude is interrupted by some dissolute when she touches my arm.

"I haven't seen you around…"

Before the rest of it crawls from her mouth, I put a stop to it. This type of behavior **sickens** me. "I am not a slave driven by my lesser desires. What you seek in a lover you will not find in me. Do not make me tell you to remove your hand from me ever again." My words arouse her only proving my point, but at least I'm left alone.

I spectate the factory and how the residents start their day. Most are slothful and quite careless. These walls have softened them.

"Hi."

I haven't even finished my first cup… My eyes shift to the younger woman at my feet. Typically, I would tell her just like I told the other girl, but I recall this one from my first day here. She is the one who manages the supply room.

Her lip already has impressions from her teeth.

This is going to be too easy. I trace my knuckle along the side of her jaw as her cheeks flush. "Why don't you be a good little girl and find me an ashtray. Yes?"

Her eyelids become heavy before I'm given a nod. "Yes."

I'm still not able to finish this pathetic cup and she's back.

Her slim arm extends towards me. There's the number 19 on a slip of paper in the ashtray once she hands it over. Must be her room number.

"Run along now, nineteen."

"Sarah," she giggles before scampering off to begin her day.

Finally. Silenc-

"Mad-Dog," Dominic barks. "Gym? It's actually pretty nice here."

"Later," I dismiss him. "Here. Figured you'd get some use out of this." I tuck the slip of paper in his flannel shirt pocket.

"Goddamn, fifty years old and barely legal pussy still flocks to you."

Sometimes I'd love nothing more than to wire his trap shut, but I'll save that annoyance for someone else. Someone that's sitting at one of the tables with RM.

"I'm not hungry!"

"Tough shit tits. Eat."

"I want my alien food!"

I see some things haven't changed. She's still fussy about food and shouting about aliens. Here it comes. A tantrum, followed by a foot stomp.

"I hate this food."

"Ow, that's my fucking foot you're stepping on, goddammit!"

He's about to feel my foot somewhere very uncomfortable if he keeps speaking to her like that. I've never seen RM this frail before. Christ, she must be sixty pounds. Eat something, baby, please.

"I want olives."

Oh? That's new. Clever. Because it's shaped and colored like an alien head.

"Yeah, and I want my dick sucked."

I grit my teeth and put a crack in the ashtray in my hand.

"Mister Madsen?"

That voice diverts my attention. I always make an effort to keep my temper at bay around Specs. The kid constantly fears I'm going to be upset with him.

"I have Chonsey if you want to see him."

I can't believe that thing is still alive. "Maybe later, kid. Are you doing alright?"

"No. I miss the way things were before that brute came and took RM. He's fucking everything up. It's not fair! I wanna go home."

I don't think I've heard Specs speak without some type of stutter. "Me, too, kid."

"Can't you take her back?"

"It doesn't work like that. RM needs to be free to make that kind of decision for herself."

"It's a stupid decision."

I grind my teeth when Negan slaps her rear as if she needs some form of correction.

RM launches one of the other men's tray at Negan.

"Stupid cunt, I was eating that!"

Negan pins the man to the table by his throat. "Guess who isn't eating for the rest of the week? You, motherfucker."

My blood boils. Even more so when Negan leaves the man unattended with RM like his threatening words will do anything. When a man means a woman harm, it must be dealt with. Immediately.

"Negan can't protect you every minute. You wait, bitch," he snarls.

"Bitch, you think I'm scared of you?" RM walks away from the table, not realizing the repercussions of her words.

I watch this depraved parasite leave the table and follow behind him. He's shown RM isn't safe. Not that I've ever needed a reason to kill someone before.

Once outside, I drag him behind the shed. He mistakes me for Negan, so I correct him. This kill is mine. "Hold still, or I'll use the gut hook for something else." With one fluid motion, the knife goes in his right lung then is pulled back out. "Now we wait, bitch." Normally, I would never let something like that slither from my mouth but I am not right in my mind. No one is going to threaten her.

It takes almost five minutes for this filth to gasp and choke for his final breath. Longer than I expected, but worth every minute. Now to secure him to the fence. He reanimates once he's restrained. I spit on him before returning inside to wash my hands. "You." I snap my fingers at one of the girls passing by once I'm done. "Negan. Now."

"Oh, fuck. I thought you were Negan. He's down this corridor all the way until you get to the steps. Door on the left."

I thank her, unlike the others. RM would usually award me with a mouth full of teeth when I wasn't being a complete misogynist.

This building concerns me with how many spots one could become vulnerable and easily drug into a room without warning. Especially, for some of the women here. This world is not made for them anymore as we've just seen. If I think too much about it, I'll go insane because I'm certain RM has been a victim of this. The reproductive organs on the fence that are meant as a warning reveal that inside a well-organized community they are not above that sort of thing. I stand in the doorway and feel the blood rush to my neck and face.

Negan sits at one of the long tables with a scowl turned my way.

I drop the ashtray on the table before having a seat on the opposite side as him. It's a blatant slap in his face showing I will not bend to another man's rules.

"There's no smoking in-"

"Then why am I doing it?"

"You stupid fuck."

Smoke violently leaves my nostrils as I relish the moment he challenges me again. "Negan, I am here because RM asked me to stay, therefore we are going to have to learn to coexist. You do not want to challenge me because I promise you, you will not like it when I push back."

"Are **you** threatening **me** in my home?"

"Take it as you want, but know this. I, unlike you, have **nothing** to lose." For whatever reason, that silences him. Briefly. He's the only one with more to say than Dominic. The two have several idiosyncrasies I am not fond of.

"There are some questions I have for you."

"Well? Speak."

"RM told me you would be difficult. There's the goddamn door if you want to keep this up. You'll never see her again."

"If you think you're going to keep me from RM, you are sadly mistaken. Nothing will keep me from RM until she tells me she no longer wants me in her life."

"Yeah, well, you sure up and left her."

"To prison. In Colorado. Since you know everything."

He blinks back at me. "You walked across the country from fucking Colorado to Maryland?"

"How about you get on with your questions and stop with the presumptions before it lands you a broken jaw." I'm not naïve to think that he won't put up with my insults much longer. Good. The chance to release what's been building inside is a welcome relief.

"What's her name?"

"I don't know."

"Bullshit, she tells me the same goddamn thing. Does RM stand for Rachel Marie or some shit?"

"I gave her the name RM. They're an abbreviation for the abhorrent things that slattern whore called her."

"I can't say that I don't agree with you on that. How did you meet RM?"

"Negan, why don't you ask whatever it is you want? Not these feeler questions to see if my answers match up with hers." Does he really take me for a fool? That I won't see through him?

"I think that Fritos fuck has a point. The relationship you had with RM was twisted as a motherfucker. It ain't right."

I grit my teeth, wanting nothing more than to knock him out so I don't have to hear that slither from his mouth again. "Let me fill you in about the kind of man I am before you start making assumptions about my character. I would kill you without a moment's hesitation for a decent cup of coffee right now."

"Motherfucker, I would kill you for-"

"Then do it," I snarl. "I am right here!" It is not often I raise my voice but that is a word I will not tolerate directed towards me.

"You're a pedophile-"

My fist lurches towards him as the force knocks him from his chair. I hold him by the lapels of the worn leather, raising him up slightly before slamming him against the concrete. Negan tries to break my nose by thrusting the palm of his fist against it, but I deflect his arm. It's a smart move on his part because it's a simple and effective way to disorient someone. However, I don't anticipate his other hand when he nails me in the temple several times.

He moves his leg between us as I get a boot to my chest and I'm kicked off of him.

"I **never** had a sexual thought for her until she was of age!"

"You trying to convince me, or yourself? You fucking **sick** fuck."

He will bleed for that, and I break two fingers in the process striking him. Negan is the only man I have ever been in a fight where I find myself challenged, and the only person I've ever had to look up at even though right now he's back under me again. My gun is in my waistband and my brass knuckles in my pocket, but my intention is not to kill him. Despite my desire to, I will not cause RM any grief. I rise to my feet, returning to my chair.

"Pussy," he mutters under his breath when he has a seat as he situates his jacket.

He thinks he's spared my life but he is the one who sits bruised and bloody before me. I'll let him have his delusion because I am completely confident in my abilities. After all, I was bred for violence.

"You should have fucking killed that whore and saved us all the grief, but you didn't. You fucking walked out on her."

"You obviously don't know RM."

"Fuck you."

My eyes roll skyward. "If I had done anything to," I bring my hands up to gesture quotations, "Mama, RM never would have looked my way again. The hold that degenerate has on her is unlike anything I have ever seen."

"If you were going to prison, what did you have to lose?"

I fold my hands together so they don't go across his swollen jaw again. "If you're so self-righteous, Negan, why didn't you kill Rebel?

"What are you talking-"

"Don't insult my intelligence, and turn your judgemental finger back at yourself. I left RM because there was **no other option**. You walked out on RM because she picked Rebel over you." There's that look of his I wanted. "I saw the men castrated on Rebel's floor which tells me one of two things. Either, you were out scavenging and those men attacked RM. Unlikely because, and I quote, I don't need no man taking care of me, as RM would put it. So here's the other scenario. She picked Rebel over you when Rebel told you to get out. You left, realized you couldn't walk away and came back just in time to see the devil at work."

"Fuck. You," he snarls frustrated.

I chew the inside of my cheek in agitation. "I had things under control. I knew that Rebel was just dumb enough to do what I said if I played my cards right. I told Rebel that I was sentenced to prison without the possibility of parole. We both knew that if RM found out I was going to prison, RM would cause a scene and they'd put her there as well. Which meant Rebel wouldn't be able to sell RM for drug money if she was locked up so it worked to Rebel's advantage. Rebel agreed to tell RM that I had died from an overdose."

"I just thought that bitch was high when she called me Madsen. Especially since you were supposedly dead. So you're in prison. RM thinks you're dead. Your men think you're dead. Now what? RM's left to be sold by that whore?"

"No, Negan. Once I arrived in Florence, my plan was to call Charlie and tell him about the investigation and me taking the plea bargain. That he needed to go over to Rebel's immediately and retrieve RM. See, RM might have been loyal to Rebel, but if RM found out that Rebel had been the one to kill me it would have severed those ties. Charlie would tell RM that my autopsy came back and the heroin had been laced. Unfortunately, RM is naive and she'd be so overcome with emotion that she wouldn't think of scenarios like how could Rebel lace heroin that had been on me the entire time. Once RM was away from Rebel, Charlie could finally put Rebel in the ground so she could never hurt RM again."

"And if RM was mad at Rebel for killing you, she wouldn't care if Rebel was dead."

"Exactly. Did the plan have holes in it? Yes, I won't deny that but when Ren showed up at my door and said that whore was sick, I had to come up with something on the spot. I tried to think of every possible way I could go about this, and every one led to hurting RM and my men. This was the only plan where I could keep RM safe and away from Rebel forever."

"So let me get this straight. You walked across the country in an orange jumpsuit, never thinking once to change it? I saw the prison uniform on your floor."

"No, that's another story."

"I want answers to whatever the fuck I ask."

"I walked in on the gangrape of an underage girl at the county jail. Killed the men, put her in that jumpsuit, then brought her back to my house. She was so traumatized that she jumped out of my window while I left her to change. Anything else?"

His eyes widen. "Fuck..."

"And, honestly? That's not even the worst thing I've seen which I'm sure you know what I'm talking about if testicles are zip tied to the front of your fence."

He bows his head, as several moments of silence pass between us. "I first knew how bad the world was a few months into the outbreak when this group of men was trying to sell women."

"I've seen some pretty heinous things in my lifetime, but the lengths people go through now is deplorable."

"Deplorable?" He rolls his eyes at me. "You don't talk much to people, do you?"

"I detest most conversation."

"Why do you keep turning your head slightly to the right? You already talk to me as if I'm wasting your precious fucking time. You too fucking good to look at me when I speak to you?"

I'm surprised that Negan doesn't know more about me than he does being with RM. Then again, he probably doesn't care. "I am deaf in my left ear."

 _Right side, baby._

"Jesus fuck. What's that like?"

"It's quiet."

"Fucking hilarious."

Not quiet enough though because his mouth still keeps yapping.

"You lose your hearing because of old age? What are you like sixty now?"

Good. He's threatened by me. "Fifty. Men broke into my shop not realizing I was there working late one night. One of them tried to stab me in the head with a slotted screwdriver while I was choking out one of the men but he missed and it went into my eardrum instead. I never regained my hearing after that."

"That's a shit fuck deal."

"It is what it is." Is he done with this asinine roster of questions, yet?"

"RM was upset about your boots. A pair of Red Wings?"

I press my boot to the table. "These. They're her favorite."

Negan clears his throat before reaching under the table and begins to fidget. As I start to ask him what he's doing, he puts one of my engineer boots on the table. "I have one of your shirts, too."

"Did you pick those or did RM give you those boots?"

"RM did, why?"

"Because this woman Jessica gave them to me," I laugh.

He joins me. "RM never told me about a Jessica."

"RM was about thirteen at the time. Besides, it was over with Jessica before it started. I thought she came over to see Dominic, but she was there for me. We messed around for a little bit but were interrupted when RM started screaming about some nightmare. I sent Jessica home, then went to comfort RM."

"You couldn't have sent that broad home after she sucked you off?"

"RM has always had this hold on me. I remember that night vividly. Her wide eyes as she told me she was scared because we always slept together. Yes, I could have got what I wanted from Jessica and sent her on her way, but RM needed me and I wasn't going to put my selfishness above that."

"A man's got needs."

I turn my attention from Negan because it makes me wonder how many times RM needed him and he wasn't there for her. Maybe I'm just different like that. "I've come to terms that what RM and I had was unconventional. It's not the typical boy meets girl and baby makes three lifestyle most people hope for. I would die for her to keep her safe. I would sacrifice everything to make sure that she is taken care of because what everyone else fails to realize is that no one will ever love that woman more than I do. Especially **you**."

"Fuck you, Madsen. I want you to suffer. Knowing I have her and you don't."

"How long do you anticipate that being? Can you honestly sit here and tell me that you love her?"

"What does it fucking matter? She's incapable of love."

I'm traded in for a younger model that doesn't even see what he has.

"No, I don't love her."

The realization on his face tells me that it's a surprise to even him. He knows that over time, nothing will change. "It's easy for you to be with RM because she doesn't guilt you into feeling like you have to say it. What you two have is lust. Infatuation. That will fade, Negan."

He drops his head as his brow knits furiously. "After I lost my wife, I can't feel that emotion for someone."

I understand what it is like to give your heart to one woman. Trying to build my life with anyone other than RM isn't feasible. It just saddens me that RM cares for this man, and he cannot move past his wife.

"She was the strong one, not me, and I let her fucking die. I left her to rot. "

I stretch my arm out, setting my hand on his wrist as comfort. Why, of all people, I choose him to show a side of me very few have seen but his honesty takes me by surprise. Even more so when he falls apart in front of me and he starts to sob which lasts a little longer than I care for.

"I thought you didn't touch people."

" I don't like to be touch."

"What is your deal with that, anyway?"

"That doesn't concern you."

"It happened to you, too, didn't it? That's why you gave RM that second chance. Someone you knew did the same thing to you-"

"Enough," my voice fills every corner of the room. His insight angers me. There are only two people who know about my past, one being dead. I trust Charlie enough to know he wouldn't betray me, yet believing that means Negan is a smarter man than I give him credit for.

"How can you expect RM to heal from all the sexual trauma if you ignore your own?"

My chair scrapes across the floor as my fists put impressions in the metal from the force they hit the table with. "The next thing to slither from your trap better be something you want to be etched into your headstone if you continue going down this path with me."

"She deserves someone who is going to give her affection, Madsen. You say that I'm incapable to love her and, yes, there is truth to that, but it also goes the same way for you. After fucking her, you don't just roll over or disappear in the shower because you're too fucked up from shit that happened to you. She used to tell me things like, I don't like your body on mine, or ask me what I'm doing with my body over a fucking hug. Those weren't her words, they were yours."

Perhaps because of the honesty in his words is why I did it, but I give him a small insight on what my childhood entailed.

Negan pales into this horrifying daze. "That is... fucking... fucked. I always thought what happened to RM was bad, but you? Shit!"

"It's not a contest, Negan. It's to show you why touch and affection are difficult for me."

"Something tells me that's not even all the fucked up things you went through."

He's right again.

"How long did, uh. Did that go on?"

"Until I was eleven."

"RM said she was eleven when you found her at Rebel's."

"Correct."

"Christ, seeing her like that must have fucked you up considering what you went through."

"As it would anyone. That image of her bloody, bruised, naked, and drugged on that filthy mattress will haunt me until the day my heart stops."

"You know, you're making this real fucking hard to have this animosity towards you. I mean, fuck. Who wants to admit that an ex is actually a decent person?"

"I am **not** a decent person. Showing RM compassion doesn't right my wrongs."

"Why do you say wrongs?"

"I have hurt a lot of people, some that I had no choice. Some that I killed simply because they were there. I've also made a tremendous amount of mistakes raising RM. Especially allowing her drug use."

"Do you still use?"

"Yes, although it's becoming increasingly difficult to find."

"RM has worked hard to become sober. Today marks four months sober for her."

"She's…" I can't say the words as my eyes well up instantly. I hide my hands in my face in case my tears do give away. There is not even a way I can express how proud I am of that woman. To know that she found the strength to get off the drugs despite the extreme disadvantages and circumstances. And four months sober? I know the point Negan is trying to make. "I've never been successful in my own sobriety, but I will scrape up the willpower for her."

"You have to do it for yourself. Not her. Otherwise, you'll never be sober. I was a cocaine addict for several years before you tell me I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about."

"I don't swear." My attempt at humor is overlooked. It often is.

"What kind of a grown fuck doesn't say fuck?"

"One that grows up in a household where sordid parents have a vocabulary of forty-five words, including that one. It's a personal choice of mine."

Negan asks another question, but I only see his lips move.

 _Who's mommy's favorite fuck?_

I swipe my lighter and cigarettes from the table.

"The fuck? Where are you going?"

"Give me a minute," I yell, searching for the closest bathroom. I never yell. I'm losing it. I fumble once in front of the mirror like it's the first time I've ever used.

 _On your knees, boy._

As blood fills the syringe and my thumb eases inward, the former memories of my parents slowly fade.

 _How can you expect RM to heal from all the sexual trauma if you ignore your own?_

"I don't know," I answer, driving my fist into the mirror. When that doesn't do it, I drop the syringe and snort what powder didn't dissolve. No matter how many years it's been after I use I always get that paranoid feeling that RM is going to walk in on me like she did the day she was eleven.

 _Your neck is bloody._

How long have you been standing there?

You wasted your drugs.

You shouldn't have seen that.

Can I have it?

Negan made the comment that his wife was the strong one. It's the same for me. RM was the strong one, not me. I have to stop making excuses. Otherwise, I can forget the hope of us ever being together because I will not have her tempted in any way. Still, Negan is right again. I can't quit for her. I have to do it for myself.

One of Negan's men is talking to him once I return. As I take my seat, the man leaves.

"You killed one of my men, didn't you?"

"I did. He implied RM would wait for a time when you wouldn't be there to protect her. I let him suffocate, then put him on the fence."

"He was a lieutenant."

"I don't care if he had the cure for this disease. If anyone tries to harm her they die."

"That's not what I mean. I have a habit of putting men in charge that turn out to betray me."

"Hungry dogs are never loyal."

"I didn't ask to lead, it happened. These people looked up to me because I wasn't going to roll over when things got difficult."

"As much as I don't want to admit it, looks are not the only thing we seem to have in common."

"I don't think we look anything alike other than us both being big motherfuckers."

"Negan, do not call me that if you expect to continue this conversation."

"Sorry, I didn't think…"

"Are we entirely identical in appearance? No. Do we fair each other? Yes. I don't want to admit it either, but I can tell you that this morning alone I was mistaken for you three times."

"How are we going to co-exist both being alpha men?"

"That I do not have an answer for."

Negan's eyes settle on RM's name on my arm. "You do that tattoo yourself?"

Is it that bad? I glance over my work. "What makes you think that?"

"You smoke with your left hand. You pulled a gun on me in the courtyard and shot it with your left hand. You cracked me in the jaw with your left hand, but the tattoo is on your right arm. You're left-handed."

"You are quite intelligent."

"You act surprised."

"I'm not. It makes sense. RM sees something in you for a reason."

"Look, I probably need my head fucking examined but I'm willing to negotiate a few things about your position here. Not many fucks can take me down which means I can use you. Especially, when it comes to the other communities we work with. You can have Dominic and Charlie and the three of you can decide how you want to contribute to Sanctuary. Whether it be general maintenance or scavenging. That way I don't step on your toes, and you don't step on mine. If you're staying. Though I assume you are for the sake of RM. I don't expect the three of you to stay huddled in that trailer, either. Charlie has obviously made it clear a room wouldn't do fuck all, so you and Dominic can stay on the top level. That's where my Lieutenants stay. The rooms come with several amenities that the others do not. You'll get breakfast and dinner. Everything else, you use points for."

"Or what we scavenge."

"It's not a fucking free for all, otherwise everyone would be out there scavenging and there would be no one to maintain this place."

"And this system… works?"

"So far."

"Interesting. What does RM do for points?"

"Why would she work for points if she's with me?"

That gives me a sense of relief knowing she's inside these walls.

"You can keep whatever you brought with you. Everything else found from this point on will go in the supply room."

"Like a general store. Points being currency. Though, surely you cannot expect me to eat the same sized meal as say RM."

"That's all taken into consideration. You'll also be given first pick before things like bacon, or dessert runs low."

"Why the special treatment?"

"If I don't keep you happy, RM ain't happy."

"How… how is she these days?"

He gives himself away before he speaks.

 **Miserable.**

"...miserable. We've got some shit to work out."

"Have I disrupted things?"

"No… it's me. It's always me, and not being able to keep my dick in my pants. Well, I mean right now it is, but like-"

I put my hand out to silence him. "I understand the point you're trying to convey."

"Surely you, of all people, know my dilemma. Especially, being a big swinging dick like you were."

"Once RM came into my life, that part of me went dormant. I had a brief moment with Jessica, but RM took priority. Truthfully, the way women throw themselves at me makes me sick because they usually need something from me."

"I wish I could dissociate myself like that."

"You must. I don't have to tell you how RM will not put up with coming second to a harem."

"I just keep thinking about what I'm missing."

Here I am trying to help another man by giving him tips to prolong his relationship with someone I have bled for to be with. Still, I want RM to be happy. Not to suffer because he's faced with temptation. "Do you… give her affection?"

"She hates it, and usually fights me on it."

It is something I have always regretted but it wasn't because I didn't try. Everyone's touch feels like my skin is ablaze. Though I would suffer through any amount of pain for one more chance.

"Do you really not have chest hair? Or is she just fucking with me."

I stare back at him with one eyebrow raised. "Come again?"

"She's always giving me shit. Saying it's too loud against my shirt."

My facade breaks, and I bellow out a laugh from picturing her saying something like that. I hope he appreciates her humor. It always amused me. "No, I don't have any chest hair. It's actually something that's always been rather bothersome for me."

"I don't really have much more to say to you. Guess I really didn't expect this to end civilly. Truthfully, I have always felt inferior from the stories RM has told me about you but over time they got easier to swallow because I knew you were dead. Now here you fucking are. To be honest, I am fucked. You're the better man. You always have been."

"It's who RM sees to be the better man. Right now, that man is you."

"For how long do you fucking foresee that being? It's only a matter of time before I do something stupid to push her right back into your arms. Or… your lap or some shit. I don't know how that works with your touching shit."

"I have always been jealous of the man Dominic is because I knew he would eventually pique RM's interest. If I dissect parts of Dominic and myself, what kind of a man do you think we get? You. If anyone has anything to be fearful about, it is me. It comes back to what you were saying. You have her and I don't."

"That doesn't make any fucking sense, Madsen. You and I have this wedge between us because I'm fucking RM when you let that shit slide with Dominic? Oh, and from what I've heard we both should be sweating him. Fucking nine inch dick with legs."

It's as if every wound suddenly reopened from his words. She… she slept with Dominic? My eyes shift furiously side to side. Every knuckle pops from my clenched fists.

"Fuck. She didn't tell you yet," he sighs. "I'm starting to see why she says I always ruin everything with my mouth."

All the times she flew off the handle because of my jealousy, yet she runs to Dominic the second I'm gone. My vision blurs in anger. RM isn't even entirely to blame. I'm betrayed by my own brother. Here I am telling Negan that hungry dogs are never loyal when the people I thought were closest to me treat me like I'm a joke. I've walked seventeen hundred miles, and for what? Neither of them even had the audacity to tell me, and Dominic especially.

"Madsen?"

Maybe the sex meant nothing to them, and I don't know if that's worse than them having feelings for each other. Do I mean that little to RM? Is that why I'm replaced by a man who'd rather have a harem to guard his feelings than be with a woman who I have bled for? Negan's footsteps are light behind me, like a child cowering when they know they've done wrong as he follows me into the courtyard.

"Give it back, dingus," RM shouts, reaching for the item Dominic has suspended over her head. "Give it!"

He slides the item down into his pants. "Be my guest," he grins devilishly.

"Bitch, you think that's going to stop me?"

When her hands go down his pants, I'm done. My eyes slowly inch over to Negan's. "You win."

"What?"

I start towards Charlie's camper because I can't be in this place another minute.

"Madsen," Negan calls.

Part of me wanted to strangle Dominic, but what good would that do? I can't bring myself to raise my voice towards RM, I'm just not that kind of man. My only option is leaving.

RM steps up into the camper out of breath. "How did it go? Wait! Why are you packing your things?!" She tugs my extra pair of Red Wings from my hands. "Madie, talk to me!"

"How could you sleep with Dominic, RM? How could you do that to me? You've always made me feel like I'm smothering you because of my jealousy for him, and what do you do when I'm out of the picture?"

She pales, looking at me like a fish out of water.

"And to have to hear that from Negan of all people!"

"If Negan could keep his fucking mouth shut!"

"Unbelievable." She's more concerned with Negan's betrayal than hurting me.

"Madie, I'm sorry! Don't go, please! You said you wouldn't leave."

"I can't be around you, RM."

"You're fucking stupid if you think you're leaving. I'm just going to follow you wherever you go."

"I'm sure that will go over well with Negan."

"You're being a fuckhead, Madsen! You can't be mad at me for fucking Dom. I belong to no man," she screams.

"I have never questioned your logic behind that. When you say you don't belong to another man, I just assumed it's your way of dealing with all the men that had raped you and never wanting to feel trapped. But for you to use that in this context is cruel. It shows you have no remorse over what you did. You want me to stay? Fine, but let's get one thing straight." I grit my teeth and struggle to keep the tears from surfacing. "I am not your property."

"Madie," she whines shocked.

"Not your Madie."

"But. No," she begs. "I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. Look, what if you fucked Ren?"

"Keep digging that hole, girl."

"I don't know how to fix this! Madsen, please just talk to me."

"How long did it take before you ran to Dominic? A few hours? A few days?"

"…a few months." She bows her head in submission. "If it makes you feel any better, he didn't even get it in."

"Imagine my relief. Get out."

"No, no, please!"

"Now. I will not tell you again because either you leave this camper, or I am leaving Sanctuary."

"I'm sorry," she whimpers. "I never meant to hurt you."

"Hurt? That doesn't even begin to scratch the surface." I am not completely without remorse for her because in her defense she thought I was dead, but why him? She knew how I felt about Dominic. And Dominic? Of all people… Dominic?! The more I think about it, the more I do want to kill him for touching what is mine.

"Okay, Madi- Madsen." She inches towards the door, looking back at me as if she's waiting for me to tell her that I forgive her.

I have to turn my head because those shameful eyes will bring me to my knees, and I will forgive her. And this is why she turned to Dominic the second I wasn't around. I'm weak.

"...goodbye."

I ease back onto the couch before I collapse. I'm not right in my mind without RM because she's the only thing that makes me human. I purge what's left of my emotions as I sob into my hands before void swallows me up and I become the man I was before I met her. "Goodbye."

* * *

 **A/N I was extended the offer to submit two stories in an anthology with some other writers so my updates are going to be slow, if anything, for a bit because my drafts are due at the end of October and I need to focus on that right now. Thank you for all the reviews! I really appreciate them. They really help to inspire me.**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N I know I should be on hiatus but it's a very important day for RM. She's 6 months sober today.**

* * *

 _ **Temerate**_ _(v.) to break a bond or binding promise._

* * *

I choke out sobs as Madsen's words play over in my head.

 _Not your Madie._

I'm so fucking stupid. Fucking things up, and for Dominic?! I look up from my fetal ball when I hear something slide across the basement of Sanctuary.

Negan kneels down, grabbing my small snotty hand. "I'm sorry." He's actually upset over this. "I didn't know that you didn't tell him. It wasn't my place to say shit."

"It's not your fault. I mean, it is your fault, but I'm the one to blame. I fucked up by fucking Dominic." I understand Negan a lot more because of this. Sometimes you just make mistakes. I didn't set out to hurt Madsen, just like Negan doesn't set out to hurt me. "Negan, are you with me because you want to be, or because you can't handle the thought of me going back to him?"

"I asked myself that same thing this morning. The truth is, I don't know. Maybe we fucked up by fucking. Maybe we were just better friends."

"Don't do this to me. Don't make me lose you, too," I sob.

"RM, you are just upset because you don't want to be alone."

"That is not fair! I didn't fucking drop you the second he walked through that gate. I tried to make it work with you. I've never made you feel second to him since he's been back. How could you say that to me?"

"How can you sit here and say you want to be with me when you're crying over an ex-fucking-boyfriend! Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Fuck Madsen, goddammit. Who gives a fuck if you hurt him if you're so about me. I'm not the only one with a backup plan. The only difference is both of yours are fucked."

"Fuck you!"

"Stupid bitch," Negan snarls. "Then again, there's always Dominic."

As I start to chase after Negan, there's commotion in the cafeteria. I'm horrified when I see what it's from. A bloody Dominic on one of the infirmary tables. I cover my mouth watching them work to save his life.

"Or not," Negan shrugs, leaving me alone in the infirmary.

Oh, fuck. What has Madsen done? As I watch Dominic start to convulse I realize this isn't on Madsen but me. I am so stupid. There are times I place the blame on myself and I hear people tell me it's not my fault. This is entirely my fault. If Dominic dies, I don't know if I can live with myself but I know I'd have to as punishment.

* * *

Over the next few days, I'm torn on whether I should stay by Dominic's side. I worry that, in some fucked up way, it would make Madsen think I do have feelings for Dominic but all I want is for my friend to be alright! I never meant for things to get so fucking fucked. My eyes shift to Negan when I see him walk into the infirmary.

"How is he?"

This motherfucker. How dare he ask me that. "Why do you fucking care? Fuck you!"

"Fuck you," Negan snarls, getting in my face but is shoved back by Madsen.

"Do not raise your voice to her, Negan."

Negan bears his teeth at Madsen. "Fuck you, Madsen."

"Fuck you both," I shout, "And shut the fuck up."

"There sure is a lot of fucking going on in here," Dominic grunts.

He's awake?! Oh, thank fuck. Thank fuck. I really expected Madsen to apologize and for the tension between Dominic and him to subside but Madsen walks out of the infirmary so I apologize to Dominic for him.

"He's right, RM. I should have never touched you."

"Fuck Madsen! He's in the wrong for hurting you, especially knowing that you won't fight back."

"RM," Negan interrupts, "come see me when this crybaby bullshit is over. We need to talk."

"Sounds like you're in trouble."

"Man, fuck Madsen and Negan. They can go fuck each other."

Dominic rolls his eyes. "RM, after the beating I just took, you better make it worth it."

I lower my head, tough girl routine aside. "Madsen doesn't want me."

"I'd laugh if it didn't hurt so bad. Give it a week until he's all up in that clam cage."

My heart sinks at his words because I want there to be truth yet, at the same time, it doesn't change my feelings for Negan. It just complicates things. "I'll be by later to check on you."

"Hey, do me a favor. In my shirt front pocket, there's a slip of paper with a number on it. Send her this way. I need some special attention."

He needs a fucking body cast after the beating he just took, but I fetch this girl for him then shoo her in the right direction. Gross. His perky jerky is going to end up falling off one of these days.

"RM," a warm smile greets me. "I thought that was you. You've turned out to be a beautiful woman."

All the air in my body vacates. My strength gone. Oh, god. Not her. Of all people, please. If anyone could take Madsen from me, it's... "Jessica..." Tall. Large breasts. Beautiful dark tresses. She doesn't have a malicious bone in her body. If Madsen sees her-

"Jessica?"

-it's over. My eyes close to trap my tears. I'd welcome Ren at this point over Jessica. I hurry from the cafeteria, ignoring Madsen's voice. When I was a little girl, Jessica tried everything to be with Madsen. She loves him. I know that they didn't fuck, but she did other things to him. Things he enjoyed. With me out of the picture, how long will it take before Jessica captivates Madsen like I once did?

"Uh." Negan stares back at me, red-faced with his dick in his hand. "It's uh. Not what you think." He slides the magazine from his lap, stuffing it down in the chair cushion.

I know I should have ripped this motherfucker down one half and fucked him back up the other but instead, I burst into tears as I drop to the floor. I let out one more deafening cry before it turns into choking sobs. "Fuck this fucking day," I scream, coiling up into a ball. People probably thought that I was being murdered up here but I am hysterical. I don't remember having tantrums like this since I lived with Madsen. "She's here. She's going to fucking ruin everything."

"Jesus Christ, take a breath, woman. Who is this fucking everything up?"

"Jessica. She's this perfect fuck that loves Madsen. That tried everything to be with Madsen. Now she's here and she's going to ruin things! It's just my fucking fuck luck!" I bow my head and take in several breaths. "Who am I kidding. I fucked everything up when I fucked Dominic. Fuck this dumbass motherfucking fuck," I scream in frustration. "I don't even want to say the word anymore!"

"Deep breath, RM."

My deep breath comes with realization that this is just one of my numerous problems. "You're leaving me, aren't you?"

His eyes well up as he drops his head. "Yes."

I'd be selfish to think that he'd stay with me after all this shit. I don't even want to be around my own self. "I didn't mean to-"

"Stop, I know. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. RM, he's here. Go to him. If I thought for one second I had another chance with Lucille, I'd take it. I know it's fucked right now but it won't always be. You know, you give him a chance to calm down and then you take things from there."

I wrap my arms around him as best I can. "Thank you, dumpy." He is always my voice of reason. A true friend that tells me what I need to hear as opposed to what I want. I'm so thankful for this hairy dumpy dingus fuck.

"Wanna fuck one last time? Ow! That's my fucking balls."

I spoke too soon. "I know." As I start to pull away, he keeps his grip on me.

"I… I don't want to let go."

Both of us know what needs to be done, but neither can do it.

"Maybe… you could stay?"

"Like live together but see other people?"

"I don't know, RM. I feel so fucking lost."

"Look, I understand. I can't give you what you need, Negan. Wives can." There is still a very large part of me that cares about Negan. We never really got a fair chance, but I'm starting to understand why. It's not meant to be, and the more I become level-headed, the more I start to believe that about Madsen. I belong to no man, and it's time that I start staying true to that.

"Do you really think I should go back to wives?"

"Yes, but you're going to let me help you pick them because you suck at women."

"Are you really serious right now?"

"Yeah. I am."

"This sounds too goddamn good to be true."

"Well, believe it, bitch." I know there's no better time than now for me to get a few things off my chest. "I have a few conditions, though. Your bed is **mine**. That means no fucking in it. And you better be nice if you want in it at night. Also, Madsen can't know that we're not together. If he finds out that I'm alone, it's going to guilt him into being with me. I don't want that."

"Goddamn, bitch. I think I'm in love."

"Gross." I better kick him out before he shows me affection or some stupid shit.

"Wait. Stay with me. Just us. One last night together."

"One last night together? Bitch, I told you this is **my** bed."

"You know what I fucking mean! Before the girls start living in the parlor again."

"Aren't you fucking romantic." I slick my hair back, then give myself a denim boner by slipping my hand into my pants and poking my index finger against the zipper. "RM, let me rub my meat mushroom against you since I don't have any other bitches."

"I'm not even fucking hard right now, and you're my only bitch, bitch."

That's a first. "Bitch, you're my bitch, bitch. You better fucking recognize."

"Christ, please don't start that rapping shit."

I cup my mouth. "Ohhhhhhh-" Then proceed to annoy the everloving fuck out of this fool. "Bitch, you can't handle me. I'm so fucking fresh right now-"

"You're on my last nerve right now."

"Battle me, dumpy."

"Do I look like I rap?"

Hmm, he's right. He definitely can't keep it real. "Go get us some food."

"Uh, who the fuck do you think I am? Madsen?"

My eyes sink and I slump at his words. No, he's not Madsen. Madsen would get me food. Any time I needed anything, Madsen would do it. I treated Madsen like absolute shit. I wasn't a partner to him, I was just something else he had to clean up after. I never realized how lucky I was until now. And now Jessica is going to-

"Don't cry, RM. I didn't think before I said it. You know me, that's what I'm good at."

I give him a breathed laugh as the tears fall.

"Come here." His arms are already stretched outward.

"No! No," I squirm, trying to get out of his hold on me. "Christ, I've suffered enough without having to listen to your chest hair, too!"

"Bitch, this is nice."

Now I know how trash squirrels feel when you pick them up and their legs just kinda dangle all straight-like. Slumped over in your arms because there's no escape. That look on their face like why fucking me. "Why fucking me?"

"Aww, my little cock pocket. Just think. Every night we get to do this."

I'm starting to rethink my wish list.

* * *

There are lots of pretty women that I invite for interviews. It ends up getting a little out of control because people are waiting outside the parlor that I didn't invite. I'm nervous that word is going to get back to Madsen but that's the one good thing about him. He's not one to stick his nose where it doesn't belong. I'm not too sure about these women. They all look like they're here to try and win Negan's heart, and we know that shit ain't gonna happen. Once I tell them about how Negan will be selecting multiple wives, two of them leave. "Look. You're not a harem. You're wives. Have some fucking respect for yourselves. Ms. I can fucking see your spleen with that skirt, you can leave with the other two."

"RM, I like her," Negan pouts.

"Even more reason why she needs to leave."

"Hey, how do you know what a spleen is?"

"Oh," I smile. "We learned that in school."

"Uh, hello?" someone interrupts.

"I'm sorry," Negan snaps, "are we keeping you from something? I'm talking, goddammit! Get the fuck out!" His eyes glare as he watches her leave. "I will not tolerate disrespect."

All the women nod awkwardly.

At this rate, we're not going to have anyone left. "Alright, single file. You, firecrotch, you're first. Step up and tell us about yourself."

"I don't have a firecrotch..."

"Hot damn, I like that. You're hired. Next."

"Negan," I say under my breath. "You can't just base your wives off whether or not the lady garden is in season."

"But I can respect a woman that plucks the weeds. Makes it easier to harvest that sweet fruit when you don't have to dig through a bush."

"Fruit grows on bushes? Well… what kind? Because we learned about banana and apple trees-"

"I'm out of here," firecrotch says.

Negan shrugs. "Next."

A tall blonde with a nice ass steps up. She looks at Negan like he's fucking crazy which I like already. "I'm confused. I offered to suck you off under the table at breakfast and you called me a slattern whore."

"Get out," I growl. Fucking bitch trying to suck on my whalelphant! "Stay the fuck away from the grumpy, slightly shorter but non-hairy version of Negan! That goes for all of you!"

Negan snorts. "Madsen is grumpy."

"Next!" When this applicant comes forward, I can't help but notice something doesn't seem right. "Show us your tits."

"RM!"

"What? They're going to be walking around naked living here. She can at least show us her tits."

The girl flushes. "This is a little awkward. I thought-"

"Look, lady," I start, "make with the jacket baskets, or get the fuck out."

"The hell?" Negan scoots forward on his seat. "You stuff your fucking bra?" He picks up the bagged rice confused.

The girl runs out horrified.

He looks back at me before returning to the lounge. "How the fuck did you know that?"

"Woman's in-tit-uition."

"It's intuition, and I like small titties, too."

"Whatever, dingus! You're not slapping your sweaty spaghetti against bagged rice so you owe me. Let's continue." Ugh, the next set of women aren't any better.

"Fuck. My dick is so hard I wish I had an elastic zipper."

"What?"

"It's an analogy."

"Well, it's worse than these applicants. All we have are three. I think that's about as good as it's going to get for now." I scoot from the chair and show the new girls around. "The bedroom and this hiding spot are off limits." I also give them a few bits of advice involving Negan and how to keep him happy.

"Alright, ladies, listen up," Negan starts. "RM is my number one and if she ain't happy, you're gone."

I smile up at him when he pulls me close. These are the times that I really do care for this dumpy dingus.

"Now line up for a shot in the mouth!" His pants are already pooled around his feet.

Gross. I don't want to be trapped in his room, so I step from the parlor to get some fresh air.

...

I sit on the steel catwalk as my feet dangle off of it. Today is six months sober, yet I don't feel a thing about it. Negan usually makes a big deal, but he just shoved this coin into my hand this morning and brushed it off since he was so excited about wife interview day. Honestly, it's a fifty-fifty. It would be so easy to start back on the drugs. They're everywhere. At least I was a funny bitch on the drugs. I made it six months so at least I can say that. I need something to fill this void. All I do is cry anymore. My eyes shift over to a drug deal on the sixth level. I take mental note of the man's room number. If Negan found out I was back on the drugs, he'd kick me out. At that point, I'd do anything for a fix and start selling my body again which would only push Madsen to a point of no return. Who am I kidding? We are at that point. He won't ever look at me again after I fucked Dominic. One of my boots drop, falling to the next level. Shit. That's my only one! I pull my feet back over the ledge and hurry down the steps but before I can take the last few down, Madsen steps in front of them.

In his hand, he's holding my boot.

My knees are so fucking wobbly that I plop down on one of the stairs before I collapse. I reach up for my boot as it's set in my hand. "Thank you." He's so fucking perfect in my eyes. It makes me sick thinking about all these leather lunchboxes that will throw themselves at him. He's not even my property anymore so I can't say fuck all. Fuck! How did I tie this bullshit before? I give up after the seventh try and stuff the laces in my boots.

Madsen gets down on one knee, tugging them from the inside as he starts to tie it slowly.

I carefully watch him as it starts to come back to me. I remember now and show him on my other boot. "I did it," I giggle but it's halted once our eyes meet.

His thumb lightly trails my cheek and I'm briefly awarded two rows of flawless perfection.

He's touching me! Is it dumb for me to think that he might try and steal a kiss?

"I am proud of you, RM."

Fuck. That gruff voice. That ain't some fucking line that he's saying. I can see it in his mannerisms that he means it, and blush from his words.

Madsen rises to his full height as the smile fades. "You should get back to Negan."

"Okay, Madi-" I almost let the name slip. I start up the steps for show and, when he's gone, I tiptoe back down them. He's going into his room. I didn't realize he's on the top floor until right now. That means Negan made him a Lieutenant when they had that chat. Once the door is closed, I walk over to it and have a seat against it. Madsen cries on one end of the door while I sob on the other.

* * *

 **A/N Next year I will be publishing my very first book "Divine Disaster." For those of you that enjoy Beautiful Tragedy, this story ties in directly with that one. It will be the story of Madsen and when he first found RM. I have posted a link on my profile where you can go to my facebook page. There I will have more details if you're interested.**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N If you left me a review last chapter, thank you so much because I suck and didn't get a chance to thank all of you. Also, thank you to those of you who liked/followed my writing facebook page! I'll have another update shortly because this chapter and the one that will follow were originally one chapter. This chapter is mostly Negan and RM. Then the next one will be Madsen and RM.**

* * *

 _ **Aeipathy** (n) an enduring and consuming passion_

* * *

Despite my newly acquired bed, I haven't been able to use it. Negan has some flu fuckery and was up the last two nights coughing. I've been sleeping on Cheeto's couch.

"RM," Specs says.

"Huh, what?" I wipe the drool away and sit up only to smack my forehead against Specs. "Ow! You can't hover over people like that. Did I break your glasses?"

"No."

I blink blankly. "What do you want?"

He folds his arms with a sigh. "That brute of yours is in the infirmary. The doctor says he has pneumonia."

I flee from the couch and hurry towards Sanctuary. When I see all of his Lieutenants gather in the infirmary, my heart drops. "Is… is he fucking dead?" I know my concern for Negan turns the knife in Madsen a little more.

"Bitch," Negan wheezes.

Oh, thank fuck. I hurry around to him to the most pitiful sight.

Negan leans over and whispers into my ear.

I guess it hurts him to talk or something. "Negan says that he wants everyone to focus on getting the fuck along with the other communities," I smile.

"I didn't say that," his raspy voice snaps.

"Fucking tell them yourself. I'm not going to order them to hurt people." His allotted patience for the day is used up. I go to school instead of listening to this shit show.

...

By the time I leave school, I am so fucking upset. We learned about illnesses today and now I'm freaked the fuck out about Negan dying. His wives are chipper when I get to the parlor. Probably because they didn't have to deal with him. "Has anyone checked on Negan?" It really pisses me off when I see dazed stares. It reminds me of the time a few years ago when Negan was hurt and all the wives just brushed me off. Well, shit is going to change because I run this bitch. "Listen up, dingalayos. Which one of you is the most smartest?"

"It's just the smartest. There's no need to add most before it," a tall brunette speaks up.

I knew this one was a keeper. She looks just like Lady Aberlin from Mister Rogers. "Okay, you. Come with me." I show her the inventory list and then the items that people took when trading their points. "Please have this to Carson by the end of the day. What's your name?"

"Abby Lynn."

If my life were a movie, I'd look right at the camera with the most satisfied look on my face while wiggling my eyebrows. "I'm going to call you Lady Aberlin."

"From Mister Rogers?"

"I like you."

"Thank you," she smiles as she starts to laugh.

"Can you sing? Wait. I'm getting off topic. Inventory first." Now… who else is useful outta this bunch?

* * *

I have the wives on a schedule to help check on Negan and to do various chores. I feel pretty confident that he's going to make it until Lady Aberlin comes to get me from class.

"He was choking on his own blood. I didn't know what to do so I turned him on his side but it kept getting worse!"

I run as fast as my little boots will go. The doctor is with Negan once I get to his room. The doctor seems a little confused that it's not me this time with some type of illness or injury. "Is Negan okay?"

"He needs to rest."

"I thought that's what he was doing?" When I notice that guilty look on Negan's face, I roll my fucking eyes. "You just can't go three days without stirring the gravy?"

"But," he starts, pushing his lip up, "new wives!"

"Oh for fuck's sake." The doctor gives me the longest list of shit but basically, it's a whole bunch of shit Negan shouldn't be doing. This outta go over well. No wonder he left me to tell him. "What are you doing?"

In his hand is a blue container. "Will you rub this on my chest?"

Ugh, it stinks. "Hell fucking no! Now I know you're ill. That shit is going to get all caught in your chest hair."

He rolls his eyes and starts doing it himself.

"Give me that stupid fucking thing. Oh my god, it's so thick." I'm gonna puke.

"That's what she said."

"Shut the fuck up or this is going someplace never to be seen again."

"Fine by me. You know I like a finger in the ass."

"Why am I being punished for helping you?"

"Speaking of thick, are you going to be disappointed going from me to Madsen?"

"You idiot. His whalelephant is fucking like this big." I show Negan with my hands.

"Bull-fucking-shit it's that big."

"I swear, go look at it in the shower or something."

"I'm not looking at another dude's dick!"

"Well, you sure are curious about dick! I mean, I'm fucking down to be a flesh sandwich. We just have to convince him."

"And me!"

"You already said you like it up the ass."

"That's enough," Negan snaps. Not like his regular bitching either. "Don't joke about that shit with Madsen. Just leave it the fuck alone."

"Sorry! Christ. Bite my head fucking off."

"You need to be more sensitive about some subjects is all I'm saying."

Jesus. No more anal jokes. Got it. I hop down from the bed to go wash my hands. Since when is Negan taking up for Madsen? I wanna know what those two talked about for so long.

...

"Alright, my lord. You're all greased up. Stay away from open flames." I tug the drawer out on the end table and become excited when I snatch these beauties from it. "Do you want to color?"

"No," he scoffs. "What am I six?"

My eyes sink as I shove my crayons back into the drawer.

"Oh. Sorry, RM, that's not what I meant."

"It's okay."

"I didn't-"

"Forget it. It ain't that big of a fucking deal. Do you need anything?"

He just looks at me.

"Speak, I'm too tired for games."

"I fucked up, RM. I know I did."

I exhale and drop my guard. "I don't want to fight with you. Neither of us has the energy for it."

"I heard you're running things while I'm sick."

"Not really, I just tell people what to do."

"That's the definition of running things."

I feel dumb now. This is just wasting my time at this point. Everything is always so fucking awkward around everyone and I'm sick of it. "Goodnight."

Negan takes my wrist. "Stay."

"I'll ask one of your wives-"

"I don't want them. I want you."

"Yeah? Well, you sure fucking picked them over me." I jerk my hand free out of his. "You fucking ruin everything with your dick!"

"You don't think I know this," he yells. "You're not the only woman I've loved that I've hurt because of my dick!"

I stare back at him with my lips parted by this confession.

"Whatever, forget it. Lucille is fucking gone, I've fucked up any redemption for us, and the others only want me because of what being with me represents. A fucking meal ticket." He's perfectly still with his head down. Just the occasional sick sniffle from his tears until he becomes inconsolable. "I'm sorry," he sobs, causing a coughing fit. "No, stop," he fights, pushing me away. "I don't deserve you looking after me. I've done this to myself because I'm selfish and greedy. I worry that I've made you jaded. That you can't see Madsen for what he is because you think that all men are like me. Yes, I love you but that doesn't change what a piece of shit I am. If you would have stayed with me, you would have ended up just like Lucille. Alone."

"Stop it," I scream. "What happened with her has nothing to do with me or with us! Negan, this isn't fucking brain science. Our problems aren't because you cheat and I'm a bitch that's incapable of love. It's because the people we care most for aren't each other. I'm not Lucille. You're not Madsen. Still, that doesn't mean that we can't care for each other. That we can't be friends."

"Then why isn't that enough for me?"

"Because you like women that treat you like shit and that you can't fucking have."

"You don't treat me like shit."

"You know what I mean! It's like... nobody gives a fuck about Raymonds soup in the supply room but if you said tomorrow that there's only one cup of Raymonds soup left then everyone would be all about the Raymonds soup."

"I think I get what you're saying."

Thank Christ one of us does. I'm still back at the part where he said he loved me. "Can we color now?"

"No," he laughs. "I'm not fucking coloring."

"Fine," I pout. "Guess I'll… leave you be."

"Yeah," he sighs.

"Feel better."

"Thank you for taking care of things, RM."

"Whatever, man, it's fucking cool." I reach for the doorknob but pull my hand back. "Do you need anything?" I hate myself for seeming so desperate. Why can't he just make up some bullshit so I'll stay? I don't want to be the one to initiate it. Then again, he did ask me to stay.

"It's pretty dark out. I don't want you walking back to that camper alone. I'll have Carson do it here in a bit. Sit here and do your school work."

Nice try, but Carson would run at the first chance of death and leave me in its clutches. That's alright, at least I have my reasoning to stay now. I hop back on his bed after I get some paper out of the end table. "I left my shit in class because I ran out of it when Lady Aberlin said you were coughing up blood."

"Who?"

"Abby Lynn. I call her Lady Aberdine because she looks like King Friday's daughter."

"I have no idea what the fuck you just said."

"Don't try to play fucking dumb with me, bitch. You know exactly who I'm talking about. Remember my Lady Elaine Fairchilde story? The one where I singed my hair off making meth and I said I looked like her? Yeah, you got a real good laugh then."

"Because you singed all your hair off. I don't know who Elaine Aberline is."

"You're hopeless. Get some fucking class, bitch. They're from Mister Rogers."

"Any-fucking-way, what's your homework?"

"I have to make some kind of book." I start folding the paper so I can rip it into squares for my book.

"What did you have in mind?"

"I was going to make a dictionary. But like... a dick-tionary. You know. A book with all my names for dicks since everyone seems to think it's funny."

Negan bellows out a laugh. "I'm actually curious to know all the words you have."

I take in a deep breath and start firing them off. "Speedo burrito, boney pepperoni, sweaty snorkel..."

* * *

 **45 minutes later…**

* * *

...I move my eyes up to Negan, "Dumpy."

"Hell no, leave that one out. That's trademarked."

"The fuck does that mean?"

"That nickname is for me only. And only if you say it."

"Okay," I shrug. "Moving along. Oh! I think we should do one for jerking off. Like holding your sausage hostage."

"One for tits, too. What's that goofy ass shit you called it the other day? Wack-it baskets?"

"Jacket baskets. But I like wack-it, too!" Oh my fuck, this book is going to be so awesome. After twenty-seven pages of dicks, tits, vaginas, boners, and jerk off names, we are finally done! "Now, I need a cover picture. Pull out your dick and let me illustrate it."

"Figured with all the dick you've sucked you could do it from memory."

"Since when have you ever had reserves about whipping the bologna baretta out?" Damn, I need to add that to the dick-tionary. "Wait. I got a better idea. What if I draw sweaty spaghetti and a hairy churro? You know, all the things on the cover."

"I like my dick on the cover better."

"Well, it is a short book so that makes sense."

"Fuck. You. Your fucking tits are small."

"Are you serious?! How did they get so small? I'm shrinking!" I roll my eyes. "Idiot."

"I hope, for your sake, Madsen ain't a tit man because I saw Jessica and goddamn!"

"You're an asshole."

"Now you know how it fucking feels!"

"I guess I was wrong. You don't ruin _everything_ with your dick. Fucking dumpy shithead."

"RM, don't be mad at me," he pouts. "I'm just giving you shit."

"I'm really insecure about Jessica! Okay? I mean, fuck! She's going to take him away from me!"

"There is nothing about Jessica that stands out. Well, other than her tits. RM!" He grabs my arm when I move off the bed.

" **Fuck**. **You**! Stop it. No, stop," I squirm when he pins me to the bed under him.

"RM, I'm sorry. Damn, I mean you can dish it out but you can't take it."

"I can take it just fine! You went too far, man!"

"Don't be mad at me. We were having a nice time, you crazy broad."

I sigh and give up the struggle. "You're a bitch, bitch."

"Yeah," he smirks. "But I'm your bitch, bitch."

"Bitch, you most definitely are my bitch. Now rub my feet, bitch. I'm exhausted from your bullshit." Here this fucker is about to die from pneumonia and I'm ordering him around. Whatever. I think he likes it. "Were you ever insecure with Lucille?"

"Sometimes," he shrugs. "One time this real suave looking motherfucker started at the school. You know the type. Spouts off any stupid random shit but, for some reason, the women eat it up? He could always make Lucille laugh. So I just started taking it in the other direction. Started saying the most ridiculous made up shit I could think of. Like one time we were all in this big group and I shouted off about how much I liked to fuck feet. Everyone looked at me like I was insane but she got it. She appreciated my humor so we'd always fuck with each other. But it got to a point when she'd take it too far. Hurt my feelings and shit. A real bitch. I guess how I'm doing the same thing to you. I'm sorry, RM."

I know Negan really means what he says when there's a lot to what he says. I mean, Negan always talks a lot but he never really talks about anything personal. "Thanks, dumpy."

"Do you forgive me?" He puts his chin against my shoulder and pouts. "Please. How about some restitution? I could go diving for pearls."

"Okay."

"Fucking seriously?!"

"Yeah, it feels nice." Truthfully, I just want to forget about Madsen. Since Madsen would never do this to me, it's the perfect way.

I part my legs, feeling his hot breath against me. It's half-assed because he can't breathe out of his nose but his tongue feels so good. "Yeah, Negan," I pant, moving my hips against his mouth. My stomach tightens the same as my grip does on his sheets. I moan as he eases a finger inside me while still keeping his attention on other things. "Shit, fuck!" His other large hand feels so good against my stockings as his fingers slide up and down the material. I don't know why the fuck he hums while he does this shit but his deep voice feels good against my skin. Oh! My back arches as I find my vocal release way quicker than I wanted. When his head pops up from between my legs, I blush. I'm not really sure why.

He laughs softly and kisses my inner thigh.

My stomach jumps as soon as I feel the gesture.

"Ticklish?"

"No. It… feels nice. Everything you did was nice." I wait for that perverse grin of his to creep upward but it doesn't. Wait for some crass bullshit to leave his mouth but it doesn't.

He scoots up next to me as his hand slips around to the small of my back. "I was thinking about the night when you held that bandage on my back while I slept because you didn't understand how it worked. I think that was the moment I knew that you weren't some fucking joke to me. I get it, RM. No one will replace Madsen, just like I will never love someone the way I love Lucille but you have shown me that it's okay to try. You've given me hope that I don't have to be alone for the rest of my life." Negan leans in for a kiss that I don't deny.

Sick and feverish, I don't care. This man has admitted he loves me which is no easy task for him. I just wish he wouldn't waste it on me. I'm incapable of feeling that emotion because I don't comprehend it. Let's face it, my chances of being abducted by aliens are probably better than my ability to understand and reciprocate love.

"RM, get out of your head. Look at me."

I whimper when I feel his hard arousal against me.

He's slow, letting me adjust to every inch. His lips touch mine, then my neck. Negan moans, keeping me satisfied with deep thrusts.

Being able to be this intimate with someone without any barriers makes everything that much more enjoyable. Knowing I can grab his nape without opposition. Touch any part of his skin without giving him some kind of painful flashbacks.

Negan strips my shirt, throwing it off to the side as his goes too. His eyes light up at my naked flesh before him.

It makes me feel so empowered knowing he can truly have any woman he desires but his desire is for me. I hope this isn't one of those times this won't last forty-five seconds. When his harsh moans are heavy in my ear I can't help but melt under him. It's so fucking hot.

"RM," he growls against my sensitive skin.

"Yeah, Negan."

He pushes himself up on his knees and picks up his pace.

This position is incredible because he has leverage to thrust deep into me quickly. I'm also rather flush looking up at his masculine form as it dominates me. Chest hair and all. I don't mind it.

Negan braces me by my thighs so I feel every bit of his length.

It's almost too much. "Fuck!"

His eyes greedily go for my chest as he watches what little I have bounce with every thrust.

I'm yanked up and Negan takes advantage of my small size by fucking me in every position he can.

"Grab the bedpost."

My only protest is when he pulls out so I quickly obey and wiggle my ass at him when I'm ready.

His hand roams my rear, my thighs, and between my legs until his finger is replaced with his tongue. I wrap my hands some around the large post as my eyes roll back in my head. "No," I whine when it comes to an abrupt stop.

Negan moves from the bed and picks his pants off the floor as he yanks his belt from the loops.

"Press your chest to the bed and stretch your arms out."

I do as I'm told so it's only my ass sticking up. The leather binds around my wrist and tightens around the wooden post. This kinky fuck.

Negan positions himself behind me and his tongue finds its way back.

I bury my face against the sheets until I'm screaming into them. "That's enough. Negan!" I yank on the belt but it only tightens the leather and my efforts are useless. "Dammit! I said that's enough! It's too sensitive." He's not taking no for an answer and finds it fucking hilarious to lose myself over and over. This fucking fuck is so fucking fucked. He knew just what he was doing, too, because as soon as he reaches over me to untie my hands I turn around and shove him back on the bed.

He groans when I hop on top of him then starts to laugh maniacally.

I come down hard on him with a moan.

His hands gravitate towards my hips and helps me rock against his muscled thighs.

"Oh, fuck," I yell. His dick is so good.

"RM." He grips my chin as his thumb runs over my lips.

I didn't realize how loud I was being. Wait, since when is he the one shushing me?

He brings my lips to his as he starts to moves his hips slow against me again. Negan rolls over so he's the one on top.

I finally realized this isn't about getting off. He wants to be close to me. To pleasure me. To shut off every-fucking-thing other than us fucking. I look this man over sincerely because it means so much to me. Something I didn't know I needed.

Negan sets my hands above me, pinning my wrists to the bed as his thrusts become more erratic.

My eyes trail up his jawline and over to his eyes.

Dark eyes that are usually empty have never seemed more warming. He reclaims my lips fiercely.

Everything becomes too much. "Negan!"

"No."

"Please," I beg. It's more of a demand at this point. I raise my hips up to meet his downward thrusts because I need this.

He takes in a lung full of air, only letting it out in small uneven hisses.

It drives me over the edge. There's something about a man's voice like that. Knowing I had something to do with Negan's release. Tonight has been about so much more than just getting off, rolling over, then passing out. He's given me so much confidence. I loosen my grip on his back and I just try my best to wrap my arms around him.

Negan stills his hips as his arms engulf me. No bitch comment, or screaming fuck at the top of his lungs.

I'm amazed.

He lets out a heavy breath against my chest as his grip tightens.

I brush his sweaty hair back into place with a giggle. That's a good dumpy. Why can't he be this charming all the time? Fuck, that sex was so hot. I'm rubbing one out to that in my bath in the morning. Maybe he'd want to join me.

"You've become this beautiful woman, RM."

Figures. His mouth would ruin this! "I'm not beautiful, Negan. I'm a fucking train wreck. A tragedy."

"What-the-fuck-ever then. You're **my** beautiful tragedy."

I clam up, thankful that he stops with the compliments. My heavy eyes close and I listen to his labored breath.

Negan runs his fingers up my stocking and against my waist. His lips press against my shoulder.

"Negan," one of his wives knock.

"If you don't get the fuck away from my door, you're gone."

I smile at his words because he actually made me feel important. Like I'm the only one that matters.

He slides me against him, clinging to me like I'm an oversized pillow. "Don't leave me." His voice is tranquil again.

"I can't move."

"You know what I mean."

I don't mind his chest hair so much tonight. I don't mind him, either. In fact, I giggle at how tight he's holding me.

"I know I've disappointed you, and I'm sorry. I see what Madsen can give you and know I can't come close to that."

"I don't want to talk about him. I just want to enjoy this a little longer." Am I stupid to think that maybe something will change in this man? That I'll be enough for him, and he won't ever need these other women.

"I want to behave for you. To be a good fuck. To be what you need."

Now I really feel stupid for believing this, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he just needed this to solidify that he doesn't need them.

He softly snores against my shoulder, all pathetic and sick. Clinging to me so that I can't sneak off. Not that I would. "Goodnight, cuddlefuck," I whisper.

* * *

 **A/N And, yes. With my book series, there will be the option to purchase RM's dick-tionary.**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N As stated previously, this chapter is mostly Madsen and RM. I know I've been vague on what happened to Madsen as a child but that's because RM doesn't know and he won't tell her anything more than what's said in this chapter. Since the story is told through her eyes that's why I don't want to reveal it. 'The White Buffalo' has a cover song called 'I'm On Fire.' That's the song Madsen and RM are singing if you want to check it out. I imagine Madsen's voice like his when he's singing.**

* * *

 _ **Natsukashii**_ _(adj.) Suddenly, euphorically nostalgic, triggered by experiencing something for the first time in years._

* * *

At breakfast, I think about Negan as it brings a smile to my lips. You could have put anything in front of me and I wouldn't have cared in that moment. My stomach jumps as he approaches the table. I'm so relieved he's actually up and out of bed considering the event of yesterday. Maybe a part of this man changed last night. Maybe it's what we both needed to show each other that we can make things work.

His sickly smile coils upward as he takes his seat. "Our fucking turned a few of the girls on. Goddamn! I forgot how much I like blowing my load with a finger in my ass."

Or fucking not. "I'm going to put something up your pudding cannon alright."

"Don't fucking turn me on. I can't possibly have any fluids left in me after last night and this morning."

"I see you're feeling better, my lord." I shake my head and walk away from the table. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I just want to fucking run. Run as far away from this fucked up fuckery as I can. I stop in my tracks taking a deep breath. Oh god. That scent. Motorcycle exhaust. I follow it outside and around the side of Sanctuary. You better goddamn believe I could sniff out that smell from across town. And like some kind of slut magic, I appear in front of the Fat Bob motorcycle. I turn around when I hear Madsen sigh. "Do you need any help?"

Madsen wipes his hands off with a rag. "I'm done."

Being this close to him is difficult but I try to push that to the back of my mind.

"What's wrong, RM?"

"Do you care?" As I start to walk away, he puts his arm out to stop me.

"Why would I ask if I didn't?"

"I don't pretend to know anything about you anymore."

He walks past me and over to the bike. "That makes two of us." Madsen squats down and I know he's not done working on that thing.

I sigh, leaning against the door frame. It's almost as if we're back in the shop as I watch him work.

"If you're going to just stand there you might as well help me."

He doesn't need my help. This is his way to get close to me without it being disrespectful to Negan. I take my place on his knee like old times as we fix the bike together. When he leans over and his broad chest presses against my back, I have to close my eyes and tell myself to breathe. Even in this world, he smells so fucking good.

"Right here, RM." He shows me when I almost fuck some shit up because I'm too busy studying his face.

"Did I ruin it?"

"No," he smiles. "Here, try again."

I will never need the skills of fixing a motorcycle, but it's not even about that. Madsen is patient with me through everything, just like my old Madie. I know that this life has hardened him but I think every day that we spend together, he learns to fall back into old Madie.

"You have some grease on your cheek." He hands me his rag.

"Is that better?"

"This side."

"What about now?"

He can't keep this up any longer and bellows out a laugh.

"The… fuck." I check my face over in the chrome. "This rag is dirty," I pout as I've unknowingly wiped more grease all over me. "There was no grease to begin with."

It makes him laugh even harder. His thumb starts to wipe it away.

Madsen told me that the first time this ever happened was the day he realized he had feelings for me. Is this his attempt to recreate that? When I think about him giving me affection, I understand why it's so difficult for me to get it from anyone other than him. Our fragile innocence. He's not trying to grope me or fuck me by a hug. He just wants to be close. Although, after all this time, I wonder if he's capable of such a gesture. I wish I could move myself against him and his arms would swallow me. Instead of saying something I regret, I start at safe ground. I fish into my pocket and dig out my sobriety coins. "I'm sober six months." I show him the pretty skeleton coins. "Well, seven today but I don't get another coin until my one year."

His eyes leave my face as he studies the coins. "RM, I," he stammers.

"The one year coin is so cute, Madie," I giggle.

"Really, baby? Tell me about it."

"Well, okay, so like," I start.

Without either of us noticing it, we pick up where we left off all those years ago. He's completely involved in my conversation as I'm shouting about strange interests. And he never once rushes me.

I've called him Madie.

He didn't mind.

He's called me baby.

I didn't mind.

"...and the skeleton is in a suit! I want it so bad!"

"Just five more months, baby."

"This is the longest I've been sober."

His expression makes every day worth it. He knows how difficult this is for me. "I don't want you to take this lightly when I say that I am proud of you."

His hand is so large on my cheek, I feel even smaller like this. I want an embrace for my hard work so desperately. Fuck, I just want an embrace.

"I see this woman you've grown into and it's never been more clear to me how I hindered you in every way because you did it without me." He hangs his head. "I'm sorry that I wasn't a better man for you, RM."

The conviction in his voice brings tears to my eyes. It's not his fault. When he tried to help me get sober, I always went behind his back and fucked it up. "I don't blame you. You got me away from Mama. You saved my life. Me being sober is how I save my own."

"Yeah," he struggles to get the word out.

I know he's distraught because he doesn't use that word. I tilt up his strong chin and watch the tears roll down his cheek. "You carry too much weight on you." I know he has to. That's just the kind of man he is.

"I'm going to go for a ride. We'll talk later."

"No," I fight when he tries to move me off him. "Take me with you."

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Fuck ideas, man. What do **you** want?" I watch his lips form the word you but he doesn't let it leave his lips.

Instead, he nods and helps me on the bike.

When he takes his place in front of me, my hands gravitate to his sides. I don't care if we ever leave. We can stay like this. I close my eyes to enjoy the closeness but I'm startled when the bike starts. Shit! It riles up every undead on this fence on the way out. It's a good thing this beauty is fast. As we wind down the street, I find it kind of funny every time one of the dead try and reach for us as if they're trying to hitch a ride. Even these dead bitches are trying to get a piece of my Madie.

After a while, we sit at a crossroad. Right is Sanctuary, left is unknown. When he starts to head right, I tug his shirt in a fit. "No," I fight to say over the bike. When he goes the other way, I feel relieved. I bought more time for us. I hope we get lost...

...

I sort of recall this place we're sitting idle at.

"Come here." Madsen sits me in front of him on the bike. "Let me show you."

He's not fucking serious? Fuck! He's fucking serious! "Oh, fuck," I laugh, trying to steer this bike. For all the times I've been on a bike, I can't drive it to save my fucking life.

He slowly comes to a stop and starts to laugh against my shoulder.

I look back so I can see him being playful. Something I've seen a handful of times and he's not even mine. I close my eyes when he gently tugs a leaf from my hair. When they lazily open, I take in every rugged feature on this man's face. The strong jawline leading to his cleft chin. His alluring eye color and the way the blue pops. They steal your attention, almost like having the wind taken from you. Despite his age, his hair is the same as I remember it. I don't really see how he is a day over forty, especially when he smiles. That boyish look. Charming. Playful. In a way, it helps me understand Negan. How he could go from such an intimate moment with me, then to his wives the next morning. Here I was upset over Negan and now I want nothing more than for Madsen to bend me over this motorcycle. His touch. His tongue lapping at my skin.

"It's time to go."

I've been dreading these words this entire time. I already got my way earlier but it doesn't stop me from pouting as I slide off the bike and climb on the back of it. Instead of holding onto him, I grip the bike. My eyes are glued in a pouty protest to the pavement as it blurs by us until I notice the yellow line isn't solid but starting to separate. We're slowing down fast. Not that I'm complaining. I try and peek around his large body but there's nothing in the way.

Madsen points up at the sky when we come out of the tree canopy.

No goddamn way, fuck, hell, no! I jump right off of the bike.

Madsen almost wrecks when he looks back in disbelief. "What is wrong with you, RM? You could have been killed!"

"Fuck," I groan, holding my bloody skinned arm. My groan turns into a scream when the sky lights up. I take off towards the barber shop for shelter.

He parks his bike under the awning before hurrying inside. "Wait here," he orders, taking out his gun and making sure that we're safe.

Death right now seems like a much more suitable choice than having to ride out the storm. Cockblocking cocksucking rain! My frustration is momentarily when I catch Madsen looking over some of the straight razors. I start to become upset because he's showing more emotion about those fucking razors than our reunion. I don't want to turn to face him because as soon as I do, he's going to start with the questions. As much as I wipe my tears, they keep surfacing.

"RM?"

Goddammit. I sink my teeth into my lip as a distraction before turning around, but I can feel them roll down my cheeks.

His eyebrows push upward. "Baby…"

I hang my head, shutting my eyes. It hurts too fucking much. "You care more about those fucking razors than when you saw me for the first time!"

His hand against my cheek furthers my agony as his thumb sweeps my skin.

"I'm not your baby." I lower his hand. "And you're not my Madie."

"RM," he chokes. "Imagine how much more confusing it would have been if I had run up to you and took you in my arms. Christ, don't you think I wanted that?! I walked across the country for you, lost in a daze of what it would be like when I made my way back to you. That is what kept me going. Instead, I see you and this other man that looks like me, looking at you the way that I always have. All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy. As much as it kills me to say this…" His eyes well up as he struggles to say the words. "Even if it's Negan that does it."

I watch him walk from the room to the back and into the bathroom. The door might be closed, but I can hear his sobs. I want to tell him that Negan and I aren't together, but I know a lot of those tears are because of Dominic. My own sobs disgust me because I don't have a right to be upset over this.

...

When he comes out of the bathroom, he takes a seat in one of the barber chairs. "Do you remember that song I used to sing to you in the garage?"

"I'm on fire," I smile. I can recall those lyrics like he just sang them yesterday though he sings them anyway.

"Tell me now, baby, is he good to you? Can he do to you the things that I do?"

"I can take you higher," we sing together. "I'm on fire."

I trace my fingers down one of the veins in his forearm all the way to his hand and coil my fingers against his. Fuck, his gruff voice is perfect.

"Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul. At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running through the middle of my head, only you... can cool my desire. I'm on fire." He brings my hand up, pressing his lips to my fingers.

My cheeks flush and my chest tightens.

"Is he good to you, RM?"

"He doesn't do to me the things that you do," I recite the lyrics, but that ain't no fucking line. My eyes lower to his Red Wings. At the same time, it's not fair to dismiss Negan. Especially, feeling the thoughts I did in his bed last night. But this moment isn't Negan's. It's Madsen's, and I am all about this man.

Madsen digs into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet. He tucks paper money into my hand before leaning back in the chair. "As a paying customer, I expect to get my money's worth," he smirks.

"Of course, Sir," I giggle, swiping the shaving cream. I use some of his water to lather it up with the brush before smearing it across his jawline.

"I'm surprised you remember."

"I had to show Negan because he shaves with a woman's razor."

Madsen really enjoys laughing at that.

"It's not funny. He still uses that goddamn thing even after I showed him what a man's razor was." I expect Madsen to get a jab in at Negan like I know Negan would but Madsen keeps any petty comments to himself.

Instead, he just sits there with an amused expression.

It would be the stupidest thing to try and shave him with these razors that haven't been used in ages. I also don't have any hot water or clean towels. I flip the razor over and drag the back of it down his face, wiping off an extra on the towel that I've placed on his shoulder. There are no words for the nostalgia of reliving something this intimate for us. I just expect any minute to wake up from a dream only to find his return was just that.

"How is your arm?"

"I'm tough," I boast.

"You are," he smiles.

"No smiling. I can't get a close shave like that."

"You're right. I'm sorry." He returns to his stern manner.

Ugh, because these stockings aren't wet enough. I poke my tongue out of the corner of my mouth to try and help me get a closer shave. Almost… there…

"Make sure you get those boxed gloves to take back with us."

"You remember that?"

"Of course I do, RM."

"I mean, I know you do but it's just been a long time." I'm just full of shit at this point. The truth is that I'm flattered he'd remember. "There. All finish-"

Madsen wipes his knuckle across my cheek.

"Hey," I laugh then snort when he starts putting more shaving cream on the other side of my face. "Stop!" When he grins, my knees go weak. My breathing increases as I feel the muscles tighten between my legs. Fuck. He's so fucking fine. "You are so fucking fine."

Madsen drops his head some with a breathed laughed.

He's… blushing?

When he brings his head up, his eyes roll slowly up to mine. Playtime is over.

It is the most fuck me look I've ever seen. The faintest moan escapes me. "Please fuck me," I beg him.

"Christ, RM."

Let's face it. I'm the Negan in this relationship. Crass and my mind is on one thing. How do I fuck this man?

His strong hands startle me as they wrap around my rear and I'm moved on his lap.

I shift my hips slowly on his arousal straining against the denim. "I want you inside me," I whisper near his warm skin.

He gives me the faintest groan.

Fuck. He's not even fucking me and these soft legs are drenched. "Feel me, Madie. Feel how much I want you." I guide his hand down the front of my shorts, unzipping my zipper all the way to give him easier access.

"This isn't right."

"No, no. Come back!" I sigh, resting my forehead against his. We're so close, but he won't touch me any further because I don't belong to him. Or maybe he's just too disgusted that I touched Dominic, yet too good of a man to make me feel any worse about it. My desire for this man burns. I could go to the bathroom and rub one out, but it's not him.

A labored breath escapes him as his lips are so close. Fighting not to brush against mine.

"I'm sorry. I'm such a fucking whore. I fucked Negan just last night and here I am begging you to fuck me like some bitch in heat."

"You're not a whore."

"What do you call someone who fucks two different guys less than a few hours apart."

He shrugs. "Human."

"Whatever. You can try and make me feel better but you're disgusted with me."

"I'm conflicted. I should have been stronger and not got your hopes up by putting you on my lap. I'm sorry."

He's apologizing?! Ugh. My pride.

"RM, I do want you but not like this. Not in this filthy building. Not sneaking around behind Negan's back. I just hope that he doesn't make the mistakes I did of losing time from blinding jealousy."

What is he saying? That despite all my fuck ups, he still loves me? The intensity of the storm takes me by surprise when light fills the barber shop. Hairs on my arm stand up from how close the lightning has struck, followed by deafening thunder that steals this moment from us.

His arms create a barrier around me as I'm tucked away against him.

Affection! Real affection! My heart is so fucking full right now it's about to explode. My stomach isn't far behind it with it being so full of butterflies. I bury my face against his virile chest whimpering in it. "Why does it have to be so fucking loud?"

"Don't tremble, baby. I'm here."

Those are my **favorite** words.

 _I'm here._

I can't get close enough to this man, nestling up to taunt muscles. Part of me isn't even disappointed we didn't get any farther because I'm just appreciating this second chance with him. Something I never thought I'd have again. "The road to get here changed you."

"I know, and I am trying to find myself again."

Honestly, I don't think he'll ever find himself again. Not as long as he thinks I'm with Negan. Madie needs me as much as I need him. Fuck, I want to tell him so bad that I don't belong to Negan but part of that is a lie. I belong to both men. I know that I have a lot of growing up to do before I could ever consider being in a relationship again. It's not fair to either man because neither of them are babysitters. I tuck those thoughts away for now and close my eyes. His hand running through my hair relaxes me from all my doubts and that storm going on outside. I tuck my hand in his.

"Why did you rip your beauties?"

"Because I let Negan touch me and I felt disgusting after. I felt like I had fucked up, like I always fucking do. Just fucking fuck shit up."

"You don't always mess things up, RM. I guess my question is, why rip them with Negan? Why not with Dominic?"

"Because I care for Negan. Dominic was just some drunk mistake." I know he feels awkward asking me these things, but I also feel like if he knows everything it might help him understand. I tell him everything about the night with Dominic I can remember. "He did some of that oral stuff on me. Then we tried to fuck but he hurt. I just slid off the counter and went to use until I passed out." I don't know if Madsen is relieved right now or even more pissed. It feels like the fucking eternity goes by. "Will you please say something? Anything."

His weary eyes darken at first but then I'm given the most genuine look. "Despite everything, and knowing what I know now, I still would have crawled through hell to get back to you, RM."

This man is so fucking perfect. I wrap my arms around his neck. This is such a rarity because touching his neck is forbidden. He says the scars on the back of it hurt too much to touch but he allows me it tonight. I run my thumb over the deep impressions as I pull away from him some. "Who left these?"

"My mother."

"To hold you in place?"

"Yes," his voice waivers.

I know about scars from being held in place. I suddenly see the face of every man who forced themselves on me. Made me do things to them that hurt or I didn't like. "Did she make you do things to her?"

His eyes flood and I'm given a nod.

When I was a child, I watched Madsen beat a man named Dietrich to death. It was the first time I had witness something so violent. Madsen was so fucking distraught after he murdered him. That was one of the scariest times in my life. Cheeto let it slip that Dietrich was Madsen's dad. Madsen doesn't know that I know and it's one secret I will take to my grave. "Even though she was bad, your dad was worse. Wasn't he?"

Another exhausted nod.

"What did he do, Madie?"

I don't get a nod. I don't get anything. He's just this impassive stone wall.

"I wish I could have protected you like you did me."

"You shouldn't have to protect me, RM. It is my job to protect you and I haven't." His face tucks away against the crook of my neck.

This time when the thunder booms I don't even hear it. I just hear Madsen's heavy breathing. His fingers in my tangled hair almost put me to sleep. My time with Negan was incredible, but then I also get the perfect night with Madsen. I can't keep up this selfish longing for both. I've already fucked things up so badly with Madsen because of another man. I can't do that to him again. Negan has expressed how much I mean to him, but I won't come second to his harem. If I tell Madsen that I'm not with Negan, it would guilt Madsen into being with me, and that's **if** he ever even gave me another chance. This situation is so fucked.

"I miss you," Madsen says faintly.

I miss you **more**.

* * *

 **A/N So, Regan or RMadie? Happy Holidays, all. -217**


	28. Reawakening

**A/N This is intentionally a brief chapter. It's one of my favorite chapters because the growth in RM is tremendous.**

* * *

 _ **Oriflamme**_ _(n.) a symbol or standard that inspires confidence, devotion, or courage._

* * *

"Just the stockings, please." I reach my hand out and take them from the girl who runs the supply room. These new soft legs are going to be a symbol that I belong to no one. They weren't given to me by Negan or bought by Madsen. **I earned them**. These aren't ripped either, and not as in I snagged them on something, rather, not ripped between my legs for my own selfish pleasure. I can't long to be with Madsen but be selfish by crawling out of Negan's bed the morning before. Just like I can't get upset at Negan about wives when I pleasure myself at night in Negan's bed thinking about Madsen after Negan has gone to sleep.

So, here I am on the second stop in the beginning of my new journey. My room. Room 217. I earn points right now by not fucking up at school which, trust me, it's more difficult to bite my tongue than to clean the fucking toilets. The room is pretty dank but that's because I asked not to have a window since I didn't want to hear the rain patter against it.

I have a small bed. I think it's made for a child because the bed frame is colorful. It's fine though. Fits me perfectly. There's a shelf with all my things to display like the aliens Dwight carved me, a crate where I store all of my extra clothing, and a short table that I can sit on the floor and color. But the most important thing… this outlet in the wall. It controls my tv vcr combo where I can watch my video tapes, and my radio so I can keep it real.

First thing's first. Time to bust some moves, then bust out this brand fucking new jar of Gli glitter. Fucking Negan not letting me be fancy as fuck. Now, where's that glue?

It's time I work on me. Work on my issues. I'm going to be alright. The old RM is back, you cute cheetos.


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N I put 'Durryl' in this story because I liked the idea of Merle and Daryl knowing Madsen's group before the outbreak. Especially, with Merle's drug habits. I also liked the idea of Daryl working as one of Madsen's employees at the shop. With that being said, other than a little side fic with RM and Daryl I wrote, I am not too familiar with writing him so I'm sure he'll be out of character. I know how people get about Daryl, lol. There's some foreshadowing in this chapter.**

* * *

 _ **Lalochezia** (n.) the emotional relief gained from using abusive or profane language. _

* * *

Things, well… they haven't been so good. I've been skipping school a lot because I'm having a lot of withdrawals lately. I don't understand because I've been sober for so long. I'm so fucking stressed right now. Negan has been really mopey lately so I feel like I've lost my friend. He tells me it's nothing but I know him and it's not fucking nothing. I finally manage to get my ass out of bed after a few days because even I think it's gross how bad I smell. My eyes widen when I come around the corner and see Madsen and Negan talking.

"You never told him, RM?" Madsen seems more betrayed than anything.

I don't understand. What have I fucking done wrong now? "Told him about fucking what?!"

Madsen looks back at Negan and sighs. He tells Negan every-fucking-thing that happened between us at the barber shop, then apologizes. Telling Negan it was a moment of weakness and it will never happen again.

"Stop it," I tell Madsen.

"RM, who are you!? That was over a month ago and you never told Negan?"

"Yeah, you never told me," Negan tries to play along like he's upset.

All of this could fucking be solved if I just told Madsen the truth about Negan and me. I'm just not ready. I don't really know what to fucking do.

"You don't have anything to say?"

"Fuck you," I scream at Madsen, rushing to my room. I'm not crying over this shit because this is my own fucking fault to begin with. I've created this mess, and it's only going to continue to be like this until I set things straight.

"RM," Negan frowns, closing my door behind him. "You have to tell Madsen we're not together. That poor fuck's face. Christ."

"I don't want his pity!"

"It's not pity, RM. He loves you. How is that fucking pity?"

"You just don't understand, okay?"

"No," he shakes his head. "I don't understand, and you better fucking figure it out because it's only a matter of time before he realizes where you're sleeping at night." Negan hits his head on the pipe in my room on the way out. "Fucking goddamn shit.. you fucking tell him, RM. Or I will. I'm not going to be put in the middle. Woman the fuck up."

This is only the beginning of the fuckery that ensues. Not only does my relationship with Madsen crumble, but it does with Negan, too. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. Especially Negan. Every time I try to talk to Negan, he ignores me. As far as Madsen goes, he won't look at me if I even see him. I fear that Madsen's not long for Sanctuary. If he leaves, Charlie and Dominic will follow him and it will leave Specs torn as to what side he should be on. Then when Specs does decide to go, I really will be alone. "How much?" I ask the man who has been selling the heroin.

"We can make other arrangements," he grins sickly, pulling me to him as his hands start to touch me in several places.

I think about how these stockings aren't ripped and how that is my only real leg to stand on. When he yanks open the button on my pants, I shove him off me.

"What the fuck?"

I run from his room and all the way up to the parlor. I'm so disgusted with myself that I had this moment of weakness. "Is Negan home yet?"

Lady Aberlin just stares at me blankly. "Home? He hasn't come out of his room in three days."

Three days?

"He doesn't eat or sleep. He was," she lowers her voice, "crying last night. It was pretty tough to listen to. Every time I try to go in there, he just yells at me to get out."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"He said he doesn't want to see you, and he said that if you come to the parlor we're to ask you to leave."

"Then why aren't you asking me to leave?"

"Because I think he needs you but is too proud to ask for you. Negan was always in a better place with you here. The way his eyes lit up. The way he lit up. Ever since you've moved out, he doesn't want anything to do with us."

"Are you going to get in trouble if I go in there?"

"I was in the shower," she smiles, stepping into the bathroom and closing it behind her.

Goddamn, I like her. I carefully open Negan's door. It's completely dark in there except from the glow of the embers in the fireplace. I take in a sharp breath and shut the door. Oh my fucking god. That was the saddest shit I've ever seen. Negan attempted to recreate another Lucille. But in some fit, I assume, he broke version 2.0. There's fucking blood everywhere from the barbed wire. Half of the bat is what's burning in the fireplace. This is about the time that Lucille died. I remember that from a couple years back when he told me. Negan said that Dwight had real Lucille and Dwight is in some fucking place called Alexandria. Well, looks like I'm going to Alexandria.

...

Yes! Simon. "Simon, will you tell me where Alexandria is?"

"Don't even think of going there, because you're not."

"Look, just because you're my dad doesn't mean you get to tell me what to do."

"That's exactly what dads do," he laughs.

"Whatever, I gotta get Lucille back to Lord dingus here or it's going to be the rest of our lives with this cry-baby bullshit."

"I can't go there RM."

"That's fine, draw me a map thing. I'm going."

"I don't want anything to happen to you."

"We're all fighting for something, Simon. Negan has saved my life so many times. Let me save his. If I don't bring Lucille home, I don't know if Negan will ever be the same."

Simon sighs and draws me a map. "I can buy you about a two-minute window to sneak out. You'll have to go on foot because they'll notice if the trucks are gone. The walk should take you about six hours. Leave first thing in the morning, get the bat, then hurry back and you should be nearing the gates right at sundown."

"Thank you, Simon."

He seems troubled and he's reluctant to give me the map.

"I'll bring Dominic and Cheeto with me."

"RM, be careful, please."

"I will. I'm always careful!" I trip on the way out of his room and rip my soft legs at the knee. "Fuck!"

"Always?"

Bad fucking example. Ugh!

* * *

This plan is as ridiculous as it is to explain it. I show Dominic and Cheeto Simon's map thing so they can see how serious I am.

"Might finally get to kill someone."

"No killing," I snap at Cheeto. "Only get the essentials because we have to travel on foot. And rubbers aren't essentials," I tell Dominic who is already digging in his duffle bag.

"Look," he huffs, "not everyone has a clog in their drain **if** you know what I mean."

"You know, if I got offended easily that would piss me right the fuck off. And if you want to get technical, I don't even have the sink to have a clog."

"Sorry," he frowns. "That was pretty insensitive."

"Plumbing aside, ladies," I start. "It only takes a few hours so we'll be there in plenty of time to get Lucille and head back before dark."

"She hot?" Dominic raises his eyebrows up and down.

"She's a bitch."

"What does she look like?"

"A brunette." I had to tell these fuckers we were actually bringing back a person named Lucille and not a goddamn baseball bat or they'd never agree. Even then, we don't know how easily Dwight is going to give her up. We're almost out of the clear but as luck would have it.

"Charlie," Madsen calls.

Great. Not him. How the fuck did he even catch us?

The two talk briefly before Madsen is, apparently, joining us.

Fucking awesome. I don't know how this day can get any worse, and ten fucking minutes in and I've already had enough.

"Mad," Dominic calls.

"Dominic, do not make me add another broken bone to your roster," Madsen snarls.

"Madsen, stop threatening him," I snap. "He's not going to fight you. You want to be mad at me, I understand. I hurt you. But don't throw away twenty years of friendship. Dominic is loyal to you, and he always has been. You can't be mad at Dominic for fucking me but give Negan some free pass and volunteer to get Lucille. It don't make no fucking sense."

"I'm not here to retrieve sports equipment. I'm here to make sure that I'm not going to have to bury anyone tonight."

"When you say it like that, it's so endearing."

"Keep running that mouth, girl."

"I wish you never came with," I scream, running away from him and right into an undead. I use that tripping thing that PM showed me so the undead topples over. I let out a scream when Madsen fires at the undead. "What the fuck!? I had everything under control!"

Madsen gives me a glare as he puts a bullet into its skull just to be a fuckhead.

"Fucking asshole. You didn't have to kill him!"

"They're not people, RM. Move. All of you."

My eyes well up as I stare down at the undead that was killed for no fucking reason.

Cheeto covers the undead with a hand full of leaves. "Sorry, kiddo."

"I hate him!"

"Madsen can be, uh. Well, a dick. I know Mad and he's just hurtin' right now. He'll get over it, RM, but you need to give him time to get over it. The more you poke the bull, the worst it's gonna get. Trust me. You're lucky because you've never seen that side of him but it ain't somethin' you want to fuck with."

"I ain't' scared of him."

"You will be once he shows that side, and there ain't no goin' back after that."

"I don't know how to fix this."

"You don't fix this. You let it take its course. Don't even acknowledge him. You'll get farther ignorin' him than you will screamin' this bullshit about how you hate him which we all know doesn't have a bit of truth to it. Christ, you two are fuckin' ridiculous with this shit. Makes me wanna fuckin' drink."

Wait a second. He's not drinking? Come to think of it, I haven't seen him take a drink in I don't know how long. "Did you quit for Birdie?"

"No. I mean, she doesn't like it when I drink, but I had a seizure the other day."

"I didn't know that you were sick."

"That's the thing, RM. Everyone is so involved with their own self, who would?"

"Does Madsen know?"

"He's the one who found me."

Damn. Madsen's got a lot on his mind I guess. I step closer to Cheeto and wrap my arms around him. "I'm sorry."

"Let go," he chuckles.

"I just want you to know that you're important to me. I know I was a lot to look after."

"You're family. That's just what we do for each other."

As I let go of him, I start to wonder if maybe I should tell Madsen on this walk about me and Negan. I don't want Madsen to get to a point where there is no coming back. I try to catch up with his long strides until I'm almost at his side when out of the bushes steps familiarity.

"RM?!"

I take a step closer. I don't believe my fucking eyes. Of course his ass is still alive. "Durryl?"

Daryl was anything but affectionate when I knew him, but his arms wrap around me as he bows his head against my shoulder.

"Look at that. The runt of the litter survived," Dominic snickers.

"Best watch your mouth," Daryl snaps.

Those two always hated each other. Dominic thought he was a shitty mechanic.

I grab Daryl by the arm and turn him around. "Are you shitting me? You're still wearing that smelly vest?"

Daryl grabs some of my hair and holds that out. "You still need a wash."

"Whatever, bitch. I'm just seasoned."

He laughs, wiping his muddy fingers down my cheek.

"Gross! I wish those wings on your vest would fly your ass away."

"Ten years later and nothin' changes. They're still bitchin' at each other." Charlie holsters his gun.

"Where's Merle," Madsen asks.

Daryl's eyes sink as he shakes his head side to side.

"I'm sorry," I frown, rubbing his arm.

"It is what it is."

"Daryl, I'm looking for Dwight. I know you've seen him."

"I can't help you," Daryl says. "You need to talk to Rick."

"Who is Rick?"

"Rick Grimes."

"Rick Grimes?" I get my answer when we make it to Alexandria and this fuckhead Grimes shoots Madsen mistaking him for Negan. Oh, fuck. RIP, Rick Grimes. Damn, that fucker is a sheriff, too. You think he'd be smarter than that.

Madsen doesn't play well with the law and levels Rick out cold with one brutal punch.

As angry as I am with Madsen, my heart sinks when his shirt stains red. This is turning out to be a fuck show. I give Daryl a glare. "That asshole just shot Madsen for no fucking reason!"

When Rick comes to, he reaches for his gun only Madsen is smart enough to take his weapons while the dick was unconscious.

Things get heated way too fast. Everyone is shouting and arguing, but the fact remains that Rick shot Madsen for no reason other than he thought he looked like Negan. "Fine fucking fine police work. This how they do things in fucksville?"

Madsen puts his Desert Eagle right in Rick's face and his knee against his throat. He never had any appreciation for the law.

"Enough," Daryl shouts.

Oh, damn, that's a first because this stoic fuck usually mumbles.

Now that Madsen has established he's king dick, he lets Rick go but keeps Rick's gun. The size difference between Madsen and Rick is a fucking joke. Like Madsen got Rick out of a glass prize machine. "One of your men have something of ours. Fetch it for me or point me in the direction of Dwight, then, maybe," Madsen waves the gun, "I'll return this to you."

Rick narrows his eyes as he leans in some. "Fetch it?"

I cower a bit towards Charlie when Madsen folds his arms.

His sternum popping. His teeth grinding. "Is English not your first language? I'm fluent in sixteen others."

"I speak English just fine, and we're getting off on the wrong foot."

"I'm not here to make friends, Rick Grimes."

Yeah! Get him, Madie!

"Rick," a calming voice starts as he grabs Rick by the arm before shit gets uglier.

PM! Oh my god! I thought I'd never see that cute cheeto again.

The two speak briefly for a minute before Rick returns to Madsen. "Dwight is on a supply run with some of the others. He should be back before sundown."

"And," PM tells Rick.

"...and… the infirmary is this way," Rick mumbles.

"PM," I smile, standing at his feet.

He starts to laugh. "Hello again."

"RM. Remember? RPM!"

"Trust me, I didn't forget."

I knew he wouldn't.

"This way," PM invites us and takes us inside their infirmary.

Madsen refuses medical help and tells them he'll do it. Not that it surprises me.

PM is kind enough to invite us to lunch with them, though I'm sure that's going to be awkward as fuck. Either way, I'm pretty hungry.

I wait until the room is clear to look up at Madsen. "Are you okay?"

"Yes."

Asking him was probably a dumb question. I know he wouldn't admit to me if he was in pain. But at least he knows that I'm concerned about him. "Do you need me to help you?"

"No."

I just walk out because my feelings are getting hurt.

Lunch is so fucking boring. Just a bunch of how do you know Daryl? How do I know PM? Did you know Merle? Blah blah blah. I hate the food they have here. It stinks. Guess it doesn't matter. I don't have any gloves-

"Here, RM. I got these from the infirmary." Madsen sets the gloves down for me.

My heart beats faster when I see the gloves.

"I, uh. I also got you some alien food," he stammers, setting the tray down.

"Thank you," I blush. "Hey, how did you know?"

"In the cafeteria one morning you were talking to Negan about it."

The gesture is simple, yet means so much. However, eating the olives are another story. "Ugh, it tastes like a balloon."

He steals one from my plate. "I don't think these are good, RM. How about you just eat these over here."

Figures. His food actually looks good. A nice rare steak. Well, two of them actually. He didn't get anything else to eat. I close my eyes and briefly set my head on his arm. I miss him so fucking much. I miss our diner. Our home. If I stay like this for too long against him, I know I won't be strong enough to leave. I get up from the table and wander out on my own after I force my olives down.

"Got any cheese chips?"

Whoa! How did he get so fucking tall? Damn, last time I saw Carl he was just a little kid. Can't I be taller than anyone?! "Well a fucking hi to you, too, skully. And, no. I wish I did because the olives you have here suck."

He narrows his eye. "We don't have olives here."

Then what the fuck did I just eat? Whatever, it doesn't matter.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to see how the other side lives."

"Bullshit," he dismisses me.

I ain't telling Carl shit. I don't trust anyone anymore these days. Plus, I'm not really all that intimidating like Madsen is. Fucker just had to fold his arms and it was fucking done. After Carl realizes I'm not giving up shit, he leaves me be.

I walk around this stupid fake bullshit town until I see Daryl outside on one of the porches. "What are you doing, Durryl?" I plop down between his legs because I don't like being ignored. That doesn't get his attention so I pick at some of the loose string on his pants. "What did you think when you saw Negan for the first time?"

"What his head would look like on our front gates."

"Liar. You know you were thinking it was Madsen."

"Them two look **nothin'** alike."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever. Even Simon thought they looked alike."

"Simon was always high back in the day. Does he even know where he is right now?"

"I think Negan and Madsen look somewhat alike."

"Ain't you high, too?"

Whatever, I'm not the only one. I dig into my pocket and show him my sobriety coin. "This was for six months sober."

"Everyone is sober now. Big deal."

I stuff it back down in my pocket. Drugs are worse now than ever. I don't know where he's living. Some bullshit fairytale with these fucking houses. They probably got maids. Wha… "Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Daryl, take care of your goddamn Red Wings. Those were good boots Madsen gave you that you've let fall to fuck."

"I've been a little preoccupied."

"I guess you're right. You can't even bathe, why would you take care of boots?"

Daryl pulls me into his arms.

"Oh, god, no, why?!"

It makes him laugh, like the times when Merle would be so fucked up so we'd try to mess with him even more. He reaches down and ties my boot for me.

I stop fighting him because the gesture is nice. Despite us always bitching at each other, Daryl was always good to me. "Remember when you'd read to me?"

"I'd try to, but you'd keep pointin' at all the boobs and laughin' at 'em."

"Well, boobs are funny."

"You just never grew up, did you?"

"Not if growing up means being a fucking grouch like you!"

"Some of us had no choice but to grow up, RM," he starts, standing up from the porch. "We didn't have people lookin' after us."

What the fuck is he implying? Ugh. "Guess you'll be off to your nearest trash can, smelly."

"Yeah. I best be."

He used to be fun. Now he's just a fucking- Oh god. What the fuck? I grab my stomach. "Ugh. Fuck." Shit, I almost shit. That's better, it passed. Maybe it was just gas. Oh! Dwight! I speed down their street and catch him as he comes out of the trucks.

"RM?!"

"We need to talk."

"I'm a little busy right now."

"Make some fucking time, Dwight. You fucking owe me."

"I don't owe you or Negan a goddamn thing," he berates, slamming the truck door.

"You might not owe Negan but you owe me. When you betrayed Negan, those Saviors took me into the basement and raped me for two fucking years, man. I've come for restitution. So go suck Rick Grimes off or whatever you have to do and bring me Lucille."

"RM, I didn't know-"

"Save it. Get me Lucille." I don't trust Dwight so I follow him.

"Are you okay… after… well-"

"Would you be okay," I mock him. "Look, I don't want to talk about it."

"Did you walk here by yourself?" He takes out his keys and opens his front door.

"Yes and no. I found my friends and I found uh. I mean, you don't know him but he was my uh. I never told you but…"

"That guy... the one you lost. I remember when we use to mess around."

"Yeah, him," I smile.

Dwight goes on to tell me why he did what he did.

He was my friend, so I'm respectful and listen to him but the truth is… our paths will never cross again after this. I tell him thank you for my aliens and he hands me Lucille in return. I'm a little surprise he handed her over so easily. Maybe he felt bad for me. Maybe he just needed to let go of the past.

"Take care of yourself, RM."

By the time this fuck show comes to an end, I'm exhausted. Even worse, there's no way we're making it back to Sanctuary. And my stomach is hurting again.

PM lets us stay in one of the houses.

Madsen is skeptical but he knows it's better than trying to make it back on foot.

"This house is real motherfucking nice," I comment. Like Madsen's before it burnt down.

"Is that your stomach," Dominic laughs.

"Is that your face? Get out of my way, I need to shit." I speed towards the doors to try and find the bathroom in this motherfucker.

...

So I've been on this porcelain fuckery for almost an hour but I am still so fucking sick. My ass is numb. It feels like I'm dying. Fuck. I'm dying. I know I am. I hope someone has the decency to take care of Chonsey for me.

"RM?" Madsen steps into the bathroom concerned.

"They've poisoned us. Save yourself, man." Fuck, I gotta vomit again!

"It wasn't on purpose. A lot of the men here are sick from the fruits and vegetables." He wets a rag, draping it over the back of my neck.

"My chili ring is on fire!" I hurl into the toilet. "Oh, fuck," I cough. "I'm going to shit on these stockings." I'm so fucking sick, I'm not thinking about my stockings around my ankles and my hip scars exposed. Or the vomit in my hair and on my arms. "Why," I gag, puking again. I feel a soft tug on my hair before it's all put back in a makeshift ponytail.

Madsen rubs my back while holding my hair up.

"Oh, that feels- hnng-" I barely spin around and make it on the toilet, then throw up on my lap. Oh, shit fuck, not again. Round two. "Fuck! It feels like my rusty donut is giving birth to bees! Those buzzing cockshitters!"

"RM," Madsen starts, but just begins laughs.

Oh, come on! I'm not in enough fucking agony and now I gotta stare at two flawless rows of fuck me perfection? I haven't heard him laugh since before everything went east. Or west or whatever fucking direction is the fucking fucked one. My body is so weak, I can barely keep myself up.

...

"Take another small sip."

This water is making me miserable, and before long I return to the bathroom. Between one of my routine trips, I hear Madsen and Cheeto outside the door.

"See what you can scrape up but she needs an IV. She's too dehydrated, and she's still way too underweight for her body to try and lose another ten pounds from this."

"These people won't help us, Mad."

"Charlie, do something or she will die. I can't leave her side, she's too weak."

"Or maybe you just couldn't forgive yourself if somethin' happened to her while you were out lookin'. Think about that the next time you let your pride get in the way."

"I didn't ask for your goddamn sermon!" Something is knocked over and breaks when it hit the floor.

I cover my ears with a whimper because Cheeto was right. I don't like this side of Madsen. It scares the absolute fuck out of me. You don't hear him lose his temper, and surely not yelling profanity. I'd lock the door if I had the strength to stand. I flinch when I'm touched.

Madsen drops to one knee. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you could hear me talking."

"I just heard something break," I lie.

"Charlie," Madsen calls.

"What?" Cheeto says through the wall.

"Nothing." Madsen's eyes locked on mine. "Just heard something break?"

"Okay, o-fucking-kay, man, fuck! What do you want me to say? That you're fucking scaring me with your temper."

"Because I'm scared, goddammit! I can't throw money at this problem, RM. I can't bury someone behind a rest stop because they're harassing you. There is nothing that I can do to help you right now and it fucking terrifies me." He sighs and bows his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to swear in front of you."

I see the panicked look on his face and it makes me worry, too. Am I going to die? "Madie, I don't want to die."

"Baby, just keep drinking. You have to replenish your fluids. RM?" Madsen tilts his head. "RM, look at me." He touches his fingers to my neck. "RM, open your eyes."

When I open my eyes, I'm on the floor in the living room of that house. Something stings in the crook of my elbow. Like when Mama used to give me heroin. "No, I don't want this," I whine disoriented and grab at the needle.

"RM, leave it alone. It's fluid," Madsen tells me.

I feel like I'm in a dream after that. Madsen keeps shouting. Even Dominic looks concerned. Is there something they're not telling me? Am I dying?

Madsen tilts me on my side when I start to vomit again.

"Her blood pressure is too low, Mad," Cheeto says.

Madsen hangs his head and I feel his tears on my arm.

This is the worst pain I have ever been in. I don't know if my little bones can take much more. "...it hurts," I faintly tell Madsen.

"I know it does, baby." He wipes the sweat from my brow. "I'm sorry," he says choked up. "I didn't know. I didn't mean to hurt you."

If I die, Madsen will never forgive himself. It's not his fault that Alexandria's food was poisoned, but I know him and he will blame himself if he can even live with himself.

His lips touch against my ear. "Please, please hold on for Madie..."


	30. Chapter 30

**_Eccedentesiast_** _(n.) someone who only pretends to smile._

* * *

I've lost hours once I regain consciousness again, but I'm alive. I hear Madsen talking to Cheeto about how my condition hasn't improved. My stomach churns and then I feel it. "Shit, I need to shit!"

"RM," Madsen says hopeful.

I'm hoisted up and taken to the bathroom. "Ugh. Why," I pout. My eyes move up to the bathroom door when I smell something pathetic.

"What's goin' on," Daryl asks.

"Uh, excuse me, but I'm exposed here."

Madsen takes Daryl out to the hall. "She's sick. I need to get her back, but we walked here."

"Why didn't you fuckin' say somethin' sooner? Here." Daryl digs in his pocket and gives Madsen the keys to his motorcycle.

Madsen is touched by the gesture.

"Look, I know that Merle done fucked up and owed you money for those drugs. You could have killed him, but you didn't. Get RM home."

I appreciated Daryl's kindness, but if you ask me, it's a little fucked up that these people won't help me. That they'd rather send me away knowing I might die just because where I choose to lay my head at night. In their eyes, I'm on the wrong side. Well, fuck them. I don't need their fucking help. I got Lucille, and that's what I came for.

Cheeto and Dominic are starting back on soon as the sun rises. Dominic was rather pissed off that I didn't end up in Alexandria. Telling me about how they had ice at that place and he rubbed it over some girls nipples. If Dominic and Negan aren't related, I'd be seriously fucking surprised.

...

This IV back at Sanctuary thing hurt like a motherfucker, but it makes me feel better. And shit ain't shitting out anymore. I look back at Madsen as he's sitting in the chair, rubbing his brow. Every time I try to tell him about Negan, something comes up that fucks it up. Is it just a sign I'm not supposed to? Christ, he looks so exhausted. Has he even slept?

"You're awake," he smiles. "You passed out on the toilet back in Alexandria before I could get you back here."

Don't smile at me. Please. "I'm so fucking weak, Madie."

"You'll get better. I promise. I'm sorry that things have gotten so misconstrued between us, RM."

"I don't know what that fucking means."

"F'n f'ed."

His attempt to relate to me makes my eyes well up. Don't fucking cry. For one, you can't spare the hydration. "Thank you for getting me back here."

He nods as he focuses on my hand with the IV in it. "If I had slept with Ren, what would you do?"

Probably kill that bitch. I'm not joking. I think I could bring myself to do it. It just shows how much better of a person Madsen is. How can I be selfish and expect him to stay by my side after hurting him like I did? If he had fucked Ren, I'd never forgive him. The betrayal would be too much. "My heart would be broken."

"It is foolish to believe you wouldn't find someone else, but Dominic?"

"I'm sorry," I whimper.

"I don't believe you're sorry. At least, that's what I've been telling myself because it makes the distance easier. Seeing you with Negan… it…" He frowns. "Negan is everything I'm not. I thought you two had this chemistry because of lust, not compatibility. I see how wrong I was. Why would you ever come back to me when you have the looks and protection of me, combined with the personality of Dominic? I don't fault you for being with Negan, RM. I just wish I could be the man you need."

"Madsen, Negan and I-"

"You don't owe me an explanation. It's none of my concern anymore. I just want you to be happy."

I'm not happy. I am fucking dying inside. This is killing me. It **will** kill me. My stomach is always in knots wondering if he's fucking Jessica. He worries about Negan? Fuck, I worry about her. Jessica is my innocent nature, combined with looks that would make a grown man stop in his tracks just to be near her beauty. I know she loves Madsen, but what I don't know is if Madsen loves me. I'm selfish because rather than wanting Madsen to be happy like he does me I'd rather see him back in prison than with Jessica. Oh… speak the devil's name and they'll appear.

"RM, are you alright?"

I can't even hate her as much as I want because she's so fucking nice. Not fake nice. Not nice because she thinks it would appease Madsen. She's fucking perfect. "Just tired."

"We should let her get her rest," Madsen says.

No, god, please don't fucking leave with her. Tears stream down my face as I watch them leave the infirmary.

"Jesus, fuck! Are you alright?!" Negan practically knocks Jessica on her feet.

Madsen doesn't pay her any attention and walks from the infirmary.

I wanted to fucking affection the fuck out of this dumpy fuck for making Jessica trip.

He takes me by the cheeks, relentless with the twenty questions until I answer him.

"My little-sliced olive hurts. Actually, I think olives are what got me sick."

"I'll fucking break every jar we have." Apparently, this fuck is serious because he leaves to do it.

My heart leaps when I see that Madsen has come back and he's not with her.

"Do you need anything?"

My Madie. A time machine, so I could take back the mistake that fucked all this up. "I'm miserable." There are so many ways I'm miserable, too, not just this food shitting fuckery. My stomach gurgles upset, but jumps when his arms move around me. Oh, god! Oh, god... affection? Real affection from Madsen? Maybe I died? That's the only logical explanation. I close my eyes after debating it because I fear opening them up and this be some kind of daydream, but he's still there once I do. I know I fucking stink. There's dry vomit in my hair for Christ's sake and the amount of sweat coming off of me is embarrassing.

It doesn't deter him. "You are the strongest woman I know. You'll get through this RM." His lips touch my cheek.

He's never been so wrong about anything because I'm certain I've died. "Don't go, please."

"You need rest."

"Are you leaving Sanctuary?" My face feels hot when he just stares back at me. "Am I going to wake up tomorrow to find out you're gone?"

"No."

"I don't believe you! Please don't go," my brittle voice begs.

He hushes me and rubs my brow. "Do you remember that time you got sick on my bike?"

 _I'm going to shit my beauties! I just fucking know it!_

His motorcycle would never be the same after that ride home.

 _I told you, Madie._

 _Way to go, dingus. I think it's in the intake._

 _Are you mad?_

 _No, I'll just make you wash it._

 _Yeah, you'd like that. These little tater tots rubbing against your bike and soap and water everywhere._

We both laugh at the memory. Like nothing was ever wrong to begin with.

"I'll check on you later, alright, RM?"

I squeeze his hand tighter. I don't want him to go. "I'm sorry that I fucked everything up. That I always fuck things up." I'm the Negan in this relationship.

As he starts to speak, he's interrupted by Negan.

"I really didn't give much thought about breaking twenty-five glass jars until it was too late."

Madsen gives me the fakest smile before he leaves, but there's no fooling me.

I'm sorry, Madie...

"Anyway," Negan shrugs, "Jessica is picking it up. Figured she'd smell like olives for a week tops."

"Thank you, Negan," I smile.

"I felt kind of bad. She always that nice?"

"Ugh. Yes."

"Damn. I hope Madsen ain't into nice girls because you are fuuuucked in that department," he jokes.

I burst into tears.

"Uh. Bitch?" He stabs his finger in my bicep.

"I don't know how to unfuck this!"

"Ain't you in this mess because of fucking? How about we don't fuck anything."

"Fuck you!"

"Bitch, what did I just tell you?"

"I hate you."

"No, you fucking don't. In fact." He moves his shirt up and down his chest. "Hear that? That's what a real man sounds like. Not your _I can't believe it's not butter_ fuckboy."

"If you're trying to cheer me up, it's a fucking stupid attempt."

"Wanna do affection?"

I laugh when he doesn't wait for my response and hugs me. "If these olives don't kill me, the weight from your chest hair will!"

"Shut the fuck up, bitch."

"I hate being against you like this," I sigh.

"I know you do." His lips settle against my temple.

As my fucking wonderful luck would have it, Madsen just happens to be in the door and a witness to god knows what fuckery just went down.

He's not looking at me as his eyes are sunk to the floor.

At that moment, I realize something very important. Our time is over. No more lies that we're going to be ok. It's just… fucking over between us. This next time when I look over at the door, Madsen is gone. I also realize that this moment isn't about Madsen. It's about Negan. "I got you something." I weakly point at my alien head backpack.

"Pfff, who got you that stupid thing? It's-" Negan lets go of me and jolts up and on over to the backpack. He pulls Lucille out, looking her over in disbelief. "Rumpy…"

"You can thank me by not giving me affection." And what does he fucking do? After I just fucking told him not to! Only I start to feel bad when this dumpy fuck begins to sob against my shoulder.

"You brought her home..."

"Of course. She's one of us." Well, fuck, I thought he'd be happy. Not fucking cry about it.

"Wait. Dwight had her. RM, what the fuck were you doing in Alexandria! Do you know how stupid that was?"

"Fuck you, man. I was trying to be unselfish."

"That's not even a fucking word!"

"It's an adjective I'll have you know."

"I'll give you an adjective!"

"That don't make no fucking sense!"

Negan collects himself as he rolls his shoulders forward. "I guess what I should have said is thank you. And I just fucking worry about you. What if they fucking poisoned you?"

"That's what I thought, but Madsen said a lot of their men were sick."

"RM, I uh." He squeezes Lucille tight. "This means more to me than you'll ever know."

I can believe him to a certain extent because my beauties meant everything to me until one mistake ruined them. I'd give anything to have them back. And to know that I have my Madie again. "Do you want to lay with me, dumpy?"

His eyes shift over to the infirmary door when he sees two of his wives standing there. "You'll be fine, RM. Okay?"

Yeah… okay… I frown when he actually leaves, but I don't have the right. Him going back to wives was my idea. Well, our idea. All of this shit is my fault. I glance up at the doctor when he comes in.

He gets a few things out of the medicine cabinet, then darts out.

My eyes settle on one thing. His keys still stuck in the medicine cabinet.

* * *

 **A/N I wrote some Madsen x RM x Negan smut if you haven't read it called Grumpy, Rumpy, and Dumpy. Also, a one-shot with RM and Negan called Aliens and Ashtrays. I need to write from Madsen's point of view again. I didn't get a lot of feedback last time I did, so that concerns me. I always worry that when people don't say anything, it's a horrible chapter or that it wasn't enjoyable. I guess I'm just down about my writing :(**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N From Madsen's pov.**

* * *

I'm leaning over the third level catwalk bar. My boot pressed to the bottom bar as my elbows prop up on the top one. I've been watching Negan with complete disgust as he eats breakfast surrounded by three women. Meanwhile, RM is still in the infirmary. I can't stop grinding my teeth. She'd give him what for if she knew someone was touching her property. He didn't seem all that bothered by my confession about the barbershop. Maybe they have that type of open relationship. She doesn't deserve that. Christ, I don't know why I've made it my business.

RM asked me not to leave Sanctuary, but every day I'm finding it harder to justify why she wants me here. She's hiding something from me. The more time that passes, the more I'm starting to piece things together. I figured out yesterday that she doesn't live with Negan, which only validates my suspicions.

"Negan," a boy calls.

I'm to the point where I just don't let it bother me anymore because I'm mistaken for Negan so frequently.

"Oh, sorry. You look just like him."

My eyes return to Negan only to notice he's started his day. I need to start mine, but I'm not finding it as easy as it once was. I just used this morning and I'm already about to rip my skin off. I haven't been this weak since I thought I lost RM in that fire. Drugs here are too easily accessible. All it takes is trade and they're yours.

I stopped using in front of the mirror anymore. I stay locked in my room. That way, if I overdose, it's less likely I'll harm or kill someone because of my selfishness.

Charlie finds me face down in my own vomit several days later. His strength to stay sober is admirable. It was like a switch for him after that seizure.

I wish I possessed that. Or maybe I've just never actually tried. It terrifies me not to have some type of a crutch to drown my memories.

I shower the filth from me, trying to ignore the fact there are other men in the shower room. My second day when I was in prison, six men jumped me in the shower. I killed three of them and the officer that allowed it to happen. This is another reason it's difficult for me to stay at Sanctuary. It just reminds me of prison.

I have a seat at the table with Dominic and Charlie.

"You okay, Mad-Dog?"

My head is throbbing. My muscles ache. The last thing I want is food. It's just a wellness check for RM. "How's RM? Where's RM?"

Charlie looks up from his food confused. His eyes move to Dominic's, then back to mine.

"I won't ask again."

"Mad, she's... with Negan. She's not our concern-"

"I don't care who she's with! Until your last breath, she is always to be looked after. Is that understood?"

They both nod.

I move from the table and make my way to the infirmary. "Where's RM?"

The doctor covers his face. "Please, don't hurt me."

Someone really did a number on him. I'm guessing Negan. "Answer my question."

"Oh, I thought you were Negan. She was released three days ago. My keys haven't left my pocket, I swear."

"What are you talking about?"

"Negan and the other brute friend of yours jumped me."

He must be talking about Dominic. "Why?"

"I left my keys in the medicine cabinet. RM she brought them to Negan. He said this would be a reminder not to leave them where recovering addicts could reach them."

My brow wrinkles. I'm so proud of her. She could have easily downed all the pills, but she didn't. I also feel guilty yelling at Dominic this morning when he really did look after her.

"Do you think you could keep her out of trouble this time? That girl is always in getting hurt-"

I take two long strides over to him until he's cowering in the corner. "Don't ever make the mistake of speaking to me like that again."

"Yes, s- sir."

I spit on him, then leave to find RM. Little prick. My blood pressure is obscenely high by the time I do. She's asleep in this child's bed. I clear my throat some. "It's me," I stammer. When she doesn't respond, I have a seat beside her and hope the frame can support my weight. "RM? It's me. It's Madi- Madsen. How are you feeling?" I'm worried when she has a fever. When I stand up to get her a cool rag, I snap back to the memory and sound of when I first walked into Rebel's trailer and those used syringes were crushed under my boot. I lift my sole from the ground to look under it, then sigh relieved that sound came from a lighter. What's left of it now. It's truly one of the worst feelings to doubt her. Even after she returned those keys. She said she was sober and I-

"Negan?"

My brow furrows. I know it's probably the fever, but for her to mistake me for Negan... it's devastating. "Madsen," I correct her as my stomach sinks and so do I to the mattress.

"I don't want you here."

"Your fever is too high, RM. You need to-"

"You need to get the fuck out. Go!"

"Alright," I frown. "Here's your water. Just-" My eyes take in the bottle of water, then shift to the metal spoon.

 **Water. Spoon. Crushed lighter. Fever. Mood swings.**

There are no windows in this room, but I find a source for light before returning to the bed. "RM, let me have your arm." I shake my head. "The other arm."

"No," she whines.

"Yes."

"Okay," her small voice shakes.

I rid all the air in my lungs as my eyes well up looking over all the track marks in her little bruised left arm. "Baby, no..." I've always turned a blind eye to her drug use because of my own. I can't do it anymore. Even if it means her hating me.

"I fucked up, Madie..."

My hand cups her cheek as I stare back at those sunk in bloodshot eyes. "It was a moment of weakness."

"It's not a moment! I don't want to be sober. It hurts too fucking much."

"I know, Christ, RM, I know it's easier to stay high than deal with your problems, but, baby, this is so dangerous. Fentanyl and heroin?" I peel the patch from her neck, then set it on the end table.

"I want to sleep and never wake up."

Tears fall against my lap from her words. When she wipes them away, they only fall harder. "I blame myself. I failed you by turning a blind eye to your drug use for all those years."

Her frail frame moves against me. "It's my fault, but I can't do this."

I wrap my arms around her and move her in my lap as I cry against her hair. Maybe I'm still high because I swear she's crying, too. "We'll fix this. Together. Don't you want to fix this?"

She's silent for a bit, then she pulls away so she can look up at me. "No."

"Why?"

Her eyes give away nothing, just defeat. She moves off me and reaches for her spoon.

"No."

"You ain't the boss of me!"

I turn my attention to a horrified Negan.

"What the fuck, RM!? The **fuck** are you doing?!"

I clothesline Negan the second his hand reaches for her aggressively. "Don't you ever put your hands on that woman."

Negan holds his chest, gasping for a breath, yet still manages to curse up at me. When he sits up, I don't trust his temper. He glares at RM. "Give me those goddamn skeleton coins, now!"

RM digs them from her shorts and throws them at him. "Fuck you."

"No, fuck you! Nine months down the fucking drain. You stupid bitch!"

"Raise your goddamn voice to her again and see what happens," I bellow.

It catches him off guard.

I don't have the patience for him. "RM, how did you get this Fentanyl and heroin?"

Negan scoffs. "How else? She stole it from that fucking medicine cabinet, you little liar! Then she sold her cunt for the rest-"

I hit Negan so hard, he falls out into the hallway. The fact he doesn't believe her, infuriates me. "She said she didn't get those patches from the medicine cabinet."

"And you believe that shit?!"

This turns into one of the worst fights I have ever been in. Negan is battered to hell from my hands and I'm pushed over the second story railing.

...

I cut the access suture stitches from my eyebrow, then wash my hands. Two of my fingers are broken from landing on my arm, but I'm lucky nothing else is. I'm worried about how long I was unconscious for and hurry to check on RM.

She's passed out in her bed, the needle still in her arm.

I pull the needle out, then pick her up. "RM?" I hold her against me, her chin resting on my shoulder.

"Is she okay," Negan asks.

Part of me feels as if I'm stepping on his toes. That this should be him taking care of her, but the other part of me doesn't care.

RM throws up all over my shoulder and down my back.

"Fucking disgusting."

"She needs fluids. Step away from the door."

"Madsen, I'm not going to waste resources on her again. If people want to stick a goddamn needle in their arm, fuck them."

"Then take the points from me." I shake my head and go to the infirmary. There isn't validity to his words. He feels like he's failed her and he's lashing out in anger. I know this because while I have one of her small hands, he's on the opposite side of her with the other.

"I don't know how to help her," he stammers, then starts to cry.

"An addict has to quit for them. Chaining her to the radiator, or locking her in the closet, it only does so much. She needs to quit because she wants to. Not because we want her clean. But that doesn't mean that I won't try to do everything I can to help her."

"Madsen, RM and I aren't… well were not… nothing, nevermind. If you want to shower, I'll stay with her. You can use mine upstairs."

I definitely won't pass up that opportunity.

After I'm cleaned up, for the second time today, I find Carson so I can figure out who RM is trading her points to. He gives me a list, and I use it to track down all of her belongings. I have to end up giving more points than what she originally traded them for, but at least I have it all back. For now, I put the things in my room. Maybe I could use them as a reward system for her doing a good job. That also reminds me. "Negan, where are those coins you were giving RM?"

He pats his front pocket.

"I thought we could add more. The six months one and the twelve one are a long time to pass without some type of reward."

"I only have these four."

"I'll make more. Maybe have a few alien ones."

"She'd like that." Negan smiles down at her.

RM is still sleeping off the drugs, but she's not in any danger for the moment. I use that time to carve and wield coins. Hopefully, she'll like these, and she'll be back in her fight for sobriety soon.

* * *

I sit at the meeting table as my leg bounces. RM was supposed to come meet with Negan and me right after class.

"She's not coming. Probably off high as a fucking kite."

"You know, Negan, this is all our faults. Me. My men. Yours. Simon. Specs. We allowed this to happen because we didn't support her. Don't you see how stressed she is? Her constant struggle to fight back tears which in all of the years I have known that woman, she has never come close to crying. Did you remember when it was her nine months? No. None of us did. She has to tell us or show us a new coin. She needs a support system. You calling her these names when she falters has to stop. Just like I cannot turn a blind eye to her drug use."

A woman steps into the room. "Negan?"

"Where's RM? I told you to send her in here."

It ends up being RM's teacher. "I told the children and her to write an essay. The next thing I knew, she was gone. Here is her essay."

I swipe the paper even though she's trying to give it to Negan.

 _Dumpy (not cool)_

 _I fucked up. I ben doin like alot of drugs. Mostly Fentanyl. Now heroin. I don't really know wut to say. Ima fuck up but you like new that. Worthless trash. I won't never be enuf. I'm pretty high now. I know I let you down but r you fucking su- suprizd.. fuck! I fucking hate scool! Fuck this shit. I quit. I'm gonna get high._

 _RM (cool as fuck)_

With the rest of the blank space on the paper, she's drawn an outline of her hand with the middle finger sticking up. I get the worst feeling and bolt for her room. "RM!" I fish the patch out of her mouth right as it's put in. If she gets that gel in her mouth, it's lights out.

"I hate you! That patch cost me my fucking radio!"

"Hate me all you want, girl. I will not allow this to continue, not as long as I'm still alive."

"Then go fucking overdose like we both know is going to happen so I can use and follow you. Us sober? What a fucking joke. Fuck this life."

"You don't mean that." I have to tell myself that. She's high, and we say cruel things when we need our next fix.

She tries to flee from the room while stuffing another patch in her mouth but bumps right into Negan and falls on her rear.

"Just like I thought."

"Fuck you, dumpy!"

I restrain RM against the floor and get the patch from her mouth, almost losing a finger in the process. "Negan, you're not helping!"

"Oh, I'm not helping? I've helped her get sober twice and now look at her. Trying to lick the chemicals from the floor you have her pinned to. She's fucking weak, so fuck her."

I get what he's doing. Hoping that she'll get mad enough she'll want to prove him wrong but it doesn't work like that. RM needs us more than ever. No more tough love. No more turning a blind eye. She needs us, and if he doesn't want to concern himself with it, I will gladly help her.

Negan shakes his head disgusted and walks out.

"Stop licking the floor, RM."

"Please," she whines.

RM makes me weak with those words, but I have to be strong enough for the both of us. "No, stop hitting your head." I still it with my hand. "It's alright, RM. Deep breaths."

"Why aren't you letting me have my way?"

"I've let you have your way for too long. I need to be stern with you."

"I don't like this Madie!"

"I don't either, but you give me no choice."

"Can I get up now?"

"Come sit with me." I let her off the floor and we sit on her bed. "Do you remember when you were younger and I took you to see the psychologist? She had the shelf with all the animals on it, and the two of you would talk while you'd color?"

"Yes, she would always make me talk about mama."

"RM, I think that we need to get to the bottom of why you use drugs to cope."

"I like doing them."

"Don't you lie to me, girl."

She whines and drops her head.

I tilt it back up. "You don't have to do this alone. I will go with you, and we'll both talk to someone." I never wanted RM to find out my past, but I'd rather her hear it from me than when we are in therapy. I start from my first memories of the abuse bestowed on me.

"You were raped a lot of times, too?"

Hearing RM decipher rape is something I would never have imagined ten years ago. In fact, when I took RM to see that therapist, she told me that RM didn't believe what happened to her all those years was rape. Now that she can distinguish what is right and what is wrong, I believe she can start to heal. I give her a nod.

"I'm sorry that happened to you." Her big blue beautiful eyes well up with tears.

This can't be the first time I witness her cry, so I quickly find a distraction. "I made you these. In addition to the ones Negan has for you." I show her the alien coins. "This way, you get a coin for every month."

"Madie," she shrills. "They're so fucking cute!" She looks them over one by one before I get to see those dimples again. "You really think I can do it?"

"I want you to believe that you can do it, RM. That this time things are going to be different, alright?"

"Everyone is so disappointed in me."

"That's because they care for you, and know how hard you worked. You'll get there, RM. It's just going to take a little longer."

She curls her fingers around mine. "We'll get sober together?"

I nod because it's choking me up.

"You're so good to me, Madie."

I kiss her tiny fingers. "I want you to go around your room and put all the drugs and paraphernalia on your table, alright?"

"You do it. I can't."

"No, RM, it needs to be you. All this needs to be you. If you're not ready, I can't force you to be."

"This is the hardest part," she pouts, pushing herself from the bed.

I'm proud of her as she gathers up all the drugs even though it's disturbing to see just how much she's acquired in such a short time.

"Can't I sell this stuff back? I traded a lot of good things for it."

"I have your things. You'll slowly be given your things back. Gather all that and you're going to throw it away, alright?"

"Okay, Madie." She puts it all in a sack, then the two of us walk down the stairs. "About what Negan said. I didn't let men touch me for the drugs."

"I know you didn't, RM. He was angry, he didn't mean it. Negan has been by your side in all of this. He cares deeply for you." I hoist her up so she can dump her sack into the furnace.

She's slightly hesitant, but flips it over. "Bye, drugs."

"I know that was difficult for you. Let's go get your radio. Yes?"

"Yes," she smiles, resting her head against my shoulder.

I didn't imply I would carry her, but I don't mind. Nor do I feel guilty about it because of what I saw with Negan and those women at breakfast the other week.

RM isn't the only one who has a long road ahead of her. I've been using drugs on and off for thirty-nine years.

"I'm proud of you, too, Madie." Her fingers coil around the front of my shirt.

"Thank you," I say, kissing her temple.

She giggles and shyly hides her reddening face.

Maybe I'm blushing some, too…

* * *

 **A/N I don't have the next chapter done. I'm having some health issues so it's going to be a while before I update. Thank you for making it this far.**


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N RM is still battling drug use in this chapter, and when she uses she's a lot different in personality. (If you remember back to the first few chapters.) Her childish side tends to go dormant and it's more of her just being a blunt bitch. Not caring what she eats, what she wears, ect. Thank you for the well wishes. I really appreciate them, all!**

* * *

 _ **Nepenthe** (n.) something that can make you forget grief or suffering. _

* * *

Damn, I collapsed a vein in my arm. It hurts like a motherfucker. Right now, I've got bigger problems. I'm running desperately low on stuff to trade for drugs. If I resort to prostitution, I'll lose Madsen forever. Me not selling my body is the only grounds I have to mend things between us. Yet, each hour I go without using, I become more dope sick. What if I get to a point where I can't come back from? I can't be bothered with that shit right now. I just got my radio back from Madsen I can trade. Hope it gets me something good.

...

"Thanks, man," I stammer, snorting the rest of the coke off of this guy's windowsill.

"If you want to give that pussy up next time, I'd be down," he says, clinging to my radio.

"Maybe another time. See ya." I use the wall to hold myself up. The coke woke me up a little bit, but I'm still in a drug stupor from all the other shit. I knew I shouldn't have dumped those goddamn drugs. It was a moment of weakness when Madsen's hotness had me under a slut spell. I know it's only a matter of time before Negan kicks me out. I haven't been to school since I drew a big middle finger on that bullshit essay. I miss Shiva. And PM. This life is a bad one now.

* * *

I'm yanked from my bed with such force, I thought the damn floor caved in. It ends up being Negan.

"Alright, bitch, you wanna fucking do drugs, let's go for a walk."

"Man, get the fuck off."

"Shut the fuck up!" Negan takes me through the kitchen out and to the garden. He covers my mouth to muffle my voice.

Just as I start to bite his hand, I realize that he's trying to quiet me down.

Madsen is welding one of the broken support beams in the garden.

Jessica is staring up at him, dough-eyed.

Negan takes me back into the kitchen. "Jessica knows he's sober, RM. You say that you worry about Jessica and Madsen? Who the fuck do you think he's going to end up with? You? Selling your pussy all over Sanctuary when you run out of drugs, or someone like Jessica who actually gives a shit?"

"I'm not going to sell my body! These stockings aren't ripped!"

"Oh, and for how fucking long is that going to last? Another week? Look, RM, you're a strong girl, but you're weak as shit when it comes to drugs. You've pawned everything off but your clothes and bed."

"I ain't got all the answers!"

"You better fucking figure it out because let me tell you something. The other day, she got stuff to make him pomade from the supply room, then gifted it in one of his old cans she kept. He said it was one of the most thoughtful things anyone had ever done for him. Jesus Christ, RM. You are so fucking hung up on him, yet you treated him like shit. Especially if fucking hair grease is the nicest thing anyone has ever done."

My fucking heart!

"Grow the fuck up because not only will you lose him, you're going to be out on your ass. You have until Monday to get your ass back to school, or you go back to manual labor which we both know you won't do." Negan leaves me alone.

I'm so fucking out of chances, it's unbelievable, yet Negan still continues to give them to me. I walk back outside to spy on Madsen and Jessica.

"Oh, you've got a spider on you," she giggles, swatting it from his side. "Sorry, I know you don't like to be touched."

Madsen still has the same expression he's always had when women try to throw themselves at him. Unamused.

He's such a good man, not even flirting back. But Negan is right. I treated him like shit. Getting sober is important for me so I don't compromise my values. Maybe I'll try this fucking therapy shit Madsen talked about.

I knock on Cheeto's trailer and smile when Birdie answers.

"Hi, RM."

"Is Cheeto here?"

"Yeah, come on in."

I find him sitting on the couch, putting some contraption together. "What is that?"

"Crib," he monosyllabically responds. Like I should expect anything else.

"A crib?" I look over at Birdie, then back at Cheeto.

"I missed my period, so I took a test and I'm pregnant," Birdie announces.

Wow, that's fucking… a nightmare. Well, for me it would be. Good for them, I guess. Especially watching Cheeto build this crib. I mean, this is someone who never slept with the same woman twice and now he's making a baby cage. "Congratulations." I expect Birdie to be happy, but what I don't expect is a smile from Cheeto. I do a double take. Emotion? The fuck is this?

"Thanks, kiddo."

"You'll be a good dad," I smile.

"You doin' okay?"

"No. I was hoping you could help me out. You still got your handcuffs from when you did your SWAT thing?"

He nods and tugs out a drawer under the couch he's sitting on. It's all his tactical stuff. "Here."

"Will you check on me for the next few days? I'm gonna try to handcuff myself to the bar in my room to get clean."

"There are other ways, RM."

"I know, but I need to do this for me and on my own or I'm just gonna keep going back. Unlock me Monday morning cause I got school."

He nods.

"Thanks." I smile at Birdie and start gathering the things I'll need. A bucket, water, blanket, and a bag of Cheetos. I take in a big breath and swing the metal around my wrist. I got this.

* * *

 **Seven minutes later.**

* * *

"Help, help, help," my hoarse voice strains. Fuck! What have I fucking done?! By the time Monday comes, I ain't fucking happy. I shower the filth from me and start another miserable day of sobriety.

Negan is waiting for me after class. "I'm really fucking proud of you, bitch."

"It's been three goddamn days. Big deal."

"It is a big deal, RM. It's a big deal because you are doing this on your own."

Whatever, I'm going to bed. Which is a shit fuck idea. I toss and turn. This sucks. I need like more blankets, but also no blankets. Hot, cold, hot, cold. At least tomorrow is new issue day. I just gotta get past tonight.

* * *

"Yes," I shout, leaping from my bed, "new issue day!" I fucking love new issue day. It's the day when people who find the outpost are brought to Sanctuary and may or may not be given the opportunity to stay. I'm always hopeful for the interesting folks. The parlor is quiet. Too quiet. Ugh! That fucker is still asleep. A girl on each arm. "Dumpy. Dumpy!" I pull on the skin of his eyelid. "Dumpy! Wake up!"

"Christ, stop that shit," he barks.

"Hurry up. I've been waiting for this shit."

Negan grumbles and groans throughout his morning routine. "Will you calm fucking down," he huffs as he tries to get into his jacket.

I race him down the first set of steps, but stop once I realize he's not behind me. I stamp my foot in a fit.

...

"Congratulations," I start when he makes it to the bottom of the steps. "I'm like fucking nine hundred years old."

"You know, you could have woken me up nicely. Like with my cock in your mouth."

"You'd like that-" Oh fuck. I blush and smile at Madsen when he happens to come out of his room.

Madsen's eyes shift from me to Negan then back at me as he shakes his head.

I'm not really helping my whole case of not being with Negan.

Negan fixes the lapels on his jacket as he watches Madsen go down the steps. "I thought he was a morning person?"

"He heard the cock comment, idiot!" I just skip breakfast because I don't want to be around Negan or Madsen. Instead, I wait outside for the trucks to pull up. They're late today. I hope we're still getting a fresh batch. As I start to give up, I hear the truck. It's only one truck today. That sucks. That means less and less people are out there.

Negan starts up with his questions for the new arrivals as I follow beside him with my opinion.

Like my opinion ever has mattered.

Negan cocks his head at the older man who has to be like a lot of years old. "How the fuck are you still alive?"

"Fuck you."

I grab my knees and bellow out a laugh.

The old fuck gives some senile laugh as his eyes don't seem to settle in any one direction.

Negan doesn't get much out of him other than his name.

"Clancy," I repeat myself again when he won't listen. "Why is your face pushed up like you ate bad Raymond's soup?"

He seems confused as to where my voice is coming from until he leans over. "Because I'm old as shit, can't see shit, and can't shit."

"Whoa," I say impressed. "I like you."

Negan gives me a nudge. "Madsen 2.0 right there."

"Shut the fuck up, dingus! And Madsen is deaf in one ear not blind."

"Who you callin' blind?" Clancy is ready for a fight.

I just stare back at him confused. "What the fuck, old man? You just said you can't see fuck all!"

"I did?"

"Goddamn, you're cool. Wanna be friends?"

"Christ alive, woman," Clancy says. "I didn't know they made denim underpants." He squints and bends down to get a better look at them.

"What? These are my shorts!"

Negan bellows out a laugh. "He stays, ship everyone else the fuck back out."

"Help me back upright," Clancy flails.

I straighten him out. "How old are you?"

"87 years young."

"That don't make no fucking sense." When he just starts to laugh, I laugh. Goddamn, this is going to be a good fucking day. Finally!

* * *

The therapist looks at me, then Madsen. "Madsen, do you ever blame yourself for RM's drug use? Not because you say you enabled it, but because you never gave her affection?"

Madsen shifts uncomfortably on the couch. "That's absurd. You can't sit there and tell me that because I didn't hold her hand it was a factor in her drug use."

"I like doing drugs," I tell the woman. "What are you writing there in your book?"

"Does it bother you?"

"Yeah. Kinda," I shrug.

"I see." She goes back to writing things.

"Then why fucking ask, man?!"

"I'm not a man, RM. You will show me respect, or this session with be brief."

I fold my arms and look away from her. Bitch. I don't like this woman. She makes all these accusations and she doesn't know fuck all. All these sessions do is put me in a bad fucking mood. If she says one more thing about how it's not normal that Madsen and I were together I'll fucking snap. Actually, I've had enough. "I don't like you."

"That's fine," she replies.

"How is this supposed to work if you piss me the fuck off?"

"I agree with RM," Madsen starts. "If she doesn't trust you, she can't build a rapport. And you're correct. This session will be brief which I'm alright with because you're starting to anger me, too."

"I think that RM doesn't want to hear what RM doesn't want to hear. And I think that you are overly protective to a point it inhibits her growth."

Madsen's eyes sink as he starts to frown.

This bitch! "I had e-fucking-nough of you!" I yank that fucking book from her hand. Something in it catches my eyes. "The fuck? What is this shit?!"

"That's mine!"

Madsen pulls it from my hand before the therapist can get it. "You kidding me with this?! RM and I have confided in you and you're sitting here writing pages of filth not paying attention!"

"It's not," she denies, reaching for it.

"Negan's turgid shaft stretches my walls with every thrust deep inside me." Madsen slams the book shut. "You're twisted."

"Give me my book, dammit!" This broad goes fucking mental.

Negan steps inside the room. "What the fuck is going on in here?"

Madsen shoves the book against Negan's chest and leaves.

I know exactly what Negan is thinking as he starts to grin at the writing. This fucker. I roll my eyes. "When you're done, I want fucking restitution. Madsen too. We trusted her with our secrets." I walk out the door and try to find Madsen.

He's outside on one of the tables smoking. His leg aggressively bounces up and down.

"Are you okay," I ask, having a seat.

He nods, but I know he's not. His hair isn't perfect today. It's slipping out of place in a few spots.

Guess that stupid pomade Jessica made sucks. And I take a jab at her because I'm salty as fuck. "Did you get the off-brand pomade?"

"No." He runs his hand through his hair. "I'm out of it. I need to get more, but I've just been… I don't know. This sobriety thing… it's difficult for me. I've been sleeping a lot to try and help with the aches."

Wait. What? How is he out of pomade if Jessica… Negan… that fucking dirty slut. He lied. Ugh. Alright, selfishness aside, I'm sad for him. "Have you used since that night we threw all the drugs away?"

He shakes his head no and takes another drag. "But I've been drinking a lot, so it's one vice for another." The cigarette end is twisted out between his fingers. "Do you think it's difficult for us because it's all we've ever known, or do you think it's because of the sexual trauma?"

I shrug. "I think both, but I also think there comes a point when we need to take responsibility for us, and not blame it on our past. We're not in that environment anymore." Fuck, when he smiles at me it's so hard not to climb on his lap and go to fucking town.

"You're so smart, baby."

I coil my fingers around his. "I had a good teacher."

He seems like he wants to object, but he brings my hand to his lips and kisses my fingers. "I need to go with Simon to an outpost. Rough up one of the lieutenants not pulling his weight. Anyway, I don't think we need a therapist. Maybe we can figure this out on our own."

I nod, unable to speak from the kiss. Be careful, you perfect fuck. I like watching Madsen switch into that leader mentality. Ordering the men on what to do. Guess I'll go rub one out to that.

On my way to my room, I see Negan in his sex coma coming out of that therapist's room. "You lied about the pomade. Madsen said he was running out."

"Heh. I had to do something to get you out of your slump."

"You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack!"

"Yeah, but it worked."

"Whatever. Get to work on restitution for the turgid shaft debacle. I'm going to go play DJ."

"Need any help?"

"Not from you." Ugh.

* * *

I traded Negan's restitution for vodka and Xanax. Yeah. I know. Weak bitch. Fuck, and it's time for school. I'm pulled out for being fucked up only forty minutes into today's lesson. I sigh and look away when Negan comes into my room. "It was a fuck up. Okay?"

"It's alright, RM. Fuck, you got clean on your own. So you had a setback. Try again tomorrow." He lays beside me in my bed.

"I thought you'd be pissed."

"I'm a little pissed. I mean I'm not pissed, I just want you to succeed at this. I know you can."

I move closer to him. "I... just want a little affection."

He pulls me against him, running his fingers through my hair.

"I changed my mind about affection."

"Tough tits," he laughs as I try to struggle away. "I'm comfortable now."

"Bullshit. Your legs are hanging off. You're going to break my bed!"

"Speaking of, I went to wake up Madsen the other day, he was asleep on the floor."

"He doesn't sleep in a bed. He said he can't since me."

"RM, this is getting ridiculous."

"I'm not ready to tell him, okay?"

"What are you waiting for? He's going to fucking die of old age. Wait, I'm just kidding, come back." He moves me closer.

"I hate you."

"I know, bitch."

"Rub my hair again." My eyes fall closed when his hand returns. He's actually still there when I wake up. I pop two Xanax, trying not to wake him up. I just need something to help me sleep.

* * *

"Stop, man," I groan, "I just got to sleep."

"Bullshit, you're fucking high. You've been asleep two days. Get your ass to school now! And you can do twelve hours of it today to make up for it."

My body hurts so damn bad. The stomach aches. The shits. It doesn't stop.

"Ew," one of the kids say when I throw up on the desk.

"I tried to tell fucking Negan I didn't feel good.."

"Language, RM!"

"American, duh." I thought she was the teacher. I get kicked out of class when one of the kids say fuck. "...bunch of clam cages," I mumble, slamming the door. At least I get to go back to bed.

"Xanax, bitch?" Someone asks me in the hall.

"No, man, get out of my way." Just run, RM. Run as fast as these little boots will take you.

* * *

Negan tugs on my eyelids the same way I did his. "You didn't show up for new issue day."

I shrug.

"Come on, I found someone scavenging. I think it will cheer you up."

Maybe it's Shiva. Or PM!

Wrong. So fucking wrong. I don't even know- "Oh, god," I whimper. I shy behind Negan to hide from the newest Savior. "I'm not even wearing my good alien shirt, dingus!"

"RM, stop it." He pulls me out from behind him. "Now go over there." Negan shoves me towards the fence.

I try to tame this messy mop. "Hi," my voice struggles to surface.

The man turns his attention towards me. "Hello there. You must be RM. Negan has told me so much about you."

Do not say the fuck word. Whatever you do, have some goddamn manners. I just stand there with my mouth open like an idiot. At least I'm not shouting about hairy churros.

"Don't be shy."

"Can we do affection?" You fucking idiot.

Mister Rogers pulls me into a hug.

I fucking melt. I'm dead. My fucking hero in the flesh. This couldn't come at a more needed time. I'm quick to pull away though because I still don't believe my eyeballs. "Are you really staying here?"

"I am. Negan offered me a chance to get to teach children again."

Oh my fucking god. I'm going to learn all my shit from Mister fucking Rogers! "I'm in that class," I say, pointing to my chest. Oh, god, what if he thinks I'm stupid?

"I admire that you're going to school and educating yourself. That's so wonderful, RM."

This is like a fucking drug dream or something. It has to be. I'm going to fucking affection the fuck out of Negan when I see him for doing this for me. "Do you have Troglodytes Aedon? Please say yes! I love that cute little cheeto!"

"Well, you know he's with King Friday."

I sigh. "Yeah, I know. Hey, there's a lady here who looks just like Lady Aberlin!"

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, I know my stuff, too. I'm like the most best fan. I still have your videotapes. My Madie gets more shows on his TV, but like we don't have that TV anymore." Sweet fuck, I'm rambling!

"I can't thank you enough."

He's just as nice as he is in front of the camera. No bullshit either. All of the sudden, I hear men yelling behind me. Some of the dead got in through the fence.

A golf club swings across one of the dead's faces as the man starts to laugh. "Hole in one."

I sigh heavily because it's bad enough they kill, but then they make a mockery of it.

"Come this way, don't look," Mister Rogers tells me.

"It's not that I'm scared. I just get sad sometimes. All the killing."

"I understand that."

"You do?"

"I've never harmed one of them before. Whether I was able to escape or someone else helped me, I don't harm."

"I," I stammer, pointing to my chest. "I never killed anyone either! Everyone always acts surprised. But I don't harm either."

"Negan told me you were special."

Oh my fucking fuck! Here I am thinking I'm the only person in the fucking world, and then this happens. Someone who shares my point of view!

"Why don't we have dinner, RM, and you can tell me more about yourself? I'd love to talk with you."

"Yes," I shout, doing my motherfucking moonwalk.

I'm so hopeful after my conversation and dinner with Mister Rogers. I know I'll have days when I'll falter, but what's important is that I keep trying and not be so caught up on my failures. Nine months was a long time. And maybe this time I can go even longer.

* * *

 **A/N I know Fred Rogers passed in 2003, but I do what I want. Obviously. I just brought Mister Rogers into the apocalypse. LOL!**


	33. Chapter 33

_**Nemesism**_ _(n.) frustration, anger, or aggression directed inward, toward oneself and one's way of living._

* * *

" **Bitch** , do you want the pills or not? I ain't got all fucking day."

This new Savior dealing pills is a motherfucker. He's always shouting. "Who the fuck are you calling a bitch, bitch? Fucking blue-shirted ass. What do you want for them? I have-"

"Pussy."

"No fucking way."

"Then get the fuck out. I'm a busy man."

I start to leave, then turn back. My heart is beating so fast. "Pills first."

"No. I'm not fucking some half-conscious broad. Though, with your mouth, I might have to."

When he pulls himself out and it's this dirty limp bacon banana, I take off running.

"Oh, good. I was looking for you," Negan says.

"Unless it involves a threesome with you, me, and Madsen, I ain't interested."

"RM, get off the drugs!"

I wish I was high as I listen to him drone on about blah blah blah new community this, opportunity that. Whenever we go meet up with new communities, Negan likes to bring women with him. He says that a community is more likely to trade with a group where the women are taken care of. "Put Connor in a dress, man. I got shit to do."

"Oh, what, lick paint and watch dry whatever you can't swallow?"

Christ, and he tells me I'm the one on drugs.

"Negan," Madsen interrupts. "I sent snipers ahead here, here, and here." Madsen shows Negan on the map where the new community is.

"Good thinking," Negan praises.

Damn, it's so fucking hot watching these two beefcakes get along. Well… I spoke too soon.

"No. Absolutely not," Madsen snaps at Negan when Negan says he wants me to come with them.

My first reaction is always to challenge when someone tells me I'm not doing something. I can't help it. I don't like being told no. Madsen doesn't want me to go because he fears for my safety, so it's time I show him that I can take care of my own self. I crouch down and swoop my leg out, taking Negan's feet out from under him.

"Ow, goddammit," he shouts, when his ass hits the metal grate catwalk.

Madsen starts to laugh hysterically.

Sorry, Madie. I back up into him, bend over, and reach between my legs as I yank his foot out from under him, too.

"RM!"

I climb up on the bottom bar of the railing on the catwalk and thrust my tiny fists up. "And the crowd goes wild," I shout victoriously. I snicker when I see both of them still down. "Be thankful I can't reach your throat, eyes, and ears. PM taught me some good moves. I'll be in the truck."

...

As we near the other group's complex, I realize that I was tricked into coming here. I didn't even want to come until Madsen said I couldn't go. Well played… "What is this place? Walnut?"

"WalMart, RM, not Walnut. And, no."

Whatever it is, it looks fucking stupid. We park the trucks inside their gates before we're greeted. My eyes widen. Meat logs. Meat logs. Jacket baskets. Meat logs and jacket baskets fucking everywhere. Holy shit. Where the fuck are we?! Everyone is naked!

"Greetings. My name is Sid," an older man introduces.

Thank god he's got clothes on. I like my men seasoned, but this is a little past the number on the can. "What is this place?"

"This is a brothel. You bring us supplies, in return, we offer pleasures and company of men or women, whatever you prefer."

Whoa. That's why everyone is naked. Now I never in my right mind thought Negan would be upset by the proposition of sex, but he ain't happy.

"Waste of motherfucking time…"

"Wait," Sid says. "Leave us," he tells his people. Once we're alone, that's when the change of heart happens. "There is a group on the south side. They call themselves NSFL. You'll know because above their gates it says that. At first, it started with their leader saying he would bring supplies the next time. Until the next time turned violent. I fear for my women."

Dominic scoffs at Sid. "You're not exactly running the most upstanding business here. You sell sex for trade. You didn't think it'd be a bunch of high-class clientele, did you?"

"Nevertheless, there should be rules. No one should be touched if it's not their desire."

Not only does this strike a nerve with Negan, but also Madsen.

"Look, stay the night. We can offer food, spirits, and company for your trouble out here. In the morning, we can talk. NSFL will come at the end of the week. If your men could be here, could deter them away... I will trade with you. We make our own medicine, grow tobacco, vegetables. We'll give you a good portion of it for your trouble dealing with them. Then we can set up monthly trades."

I'm bored and wander off to see what I can find. Which is a whole lot of kinky fuckery. Hmmm, I'm kinda hungry. "You got any alien food in this motherfucker?"

The woman looks at me like I've lost my mind.

I end up finding something that I like and eat by myself. I'm sure all the men have taken up the offer to fuck the other women. Except for Madsen, which probably means he's off in a room drinking. I try not to think about some clam cage fucking him while he's drunk out of his mind. I wanna go home.

...

"What are you laughing about," I ask Specs when he joins me at the table.

"I saw boobs. Two big pairs."

"You need your glasses checked. There are boobs in every corner of this place."

He shakes his head no and leans over. "In the back room. Me and two women… we…" He shifts his eyes side to side and then lowers his voice even more. "B- both of them, uh."

"Damn, Specs. You lost your virginity to two women at the same time? Way to go, dingus!"

"R- RM, not so loud," he cries embarrassed.

"You should be fucking proud, Specs. You did mad work."

"I know you're with that brute… but I seen him go into a room with two other women. It's none of my business, but maybe you could spend the evening with Mister Madsen."

"Specs, Negan and I aren't together," I admit. "I just don't want to tell Madsen. I want Madsen to act on his feelings for me, not be guilted into being with me because I'm not with Negan and he worries that I'll be alone."

"I know what it feels like when you're not wanted by the person you want to be wanted by."

"Oh?" I slump down in the seat. "You're not about to tell me you love me, are you?"

"RM! Gross! You're my sister!"

"Well, who is it then?!"

"Jessica."

"Get the fuck out of here with that shit!"

"O-okay," he panics.

"No, not like leave, like are you fucking serious?! Her?!" I slap the table with my hand. "Dammit!"

"She's in love with Mister Madsen, RM."

"Yeah, tell me something I don't fucking know. Stupid bullshit made up dumb fucking love. No offense."

Specs pushes himself away from the table. "I'm just saying. Mister Madsen loves you, and if you care for him at all, you shouldn't waste time with games. We just don't got a lot of time left in this world."

I sigh as I watch him go back to his room. "Fuck."

...

I gag as I try to choke down this shitty vodka. I figure if I'm drunk it will be a little easier to talk to Madsen. Only I never had to fucking try to work at getting drunk before. Ugh. This shit tastes awful. Well, now or never. I barge in on three people before I find Madsen.

He's sitting on the floor by the bed in a slump.

"Want some company?"

"It's late, RM. Why aren't you with Negan?"

"I don't want to talk about Negan." Talking about Negan is the entire reason you came in here, dumbass! "How much have you had to drink?"

"Too much. I'm not comfortable here. Not comfortable with all of this." He rubs his brow and sets the empty bottle on the floor next to him.

Fuck, he's not lying. That's a lot of vodka. "Can I stay with you tonight?"

"That's not a good idea, RM."

"Why," I ask, taking a step closer. "Is it because you don't trust yourself with me?" Another step closer.

He nods his head.

I sway my hips a bit. "I guess I'll leave then." My stomach drops as I move closer to the door. He's really going to let me leave?

"Wait."

Thank fuck.

"I'll walk you back."

I don't want a walk back! Goddammit, why won't he fuck me!?

As he starts to get up, he trips and knocks over the nightstand. Then he just starts laughing. "Why is there a nightstand in a brothel?"

"Maybe to make it seem more realistic. Not so dirty."

He sighs, then brings his eyes up to mine. "If you stay, RM, I'm not going to be able to keep my hands off you. You're with Negan, so if you're alright with that then you're not the RM I knew. Because my RM wouldn't sleep around while she's with someone. But, then again, you did sleep with Dominic-"

"Stop it! I thought you were dead."

"Don't give me that," he dismisses me by flailing his arm out. "You knew how I felt about him! Dominic? Of all people Dominic?!"

"Why don't you just go ahead and say what you mean. That you think I'm a fucking whore."

"If the stockings fit."

"These soft legs aren't ripped, you fucking asshole!" I slam his door behind me then turn around to kick the door before I fall on my ass. "Fuck you and fuck doors!"

"Get up," Cheeto tells me, taking me by the arm.

"Madsen's an asshole!"

"I told you not to keep pokin' the bull, RM. You go in there all liquored up acting like one of these prostitutes when you know good and goddamn well you're with Negan. You really think Madsen's gonna respect that? Get in my room, now."

I'm so fucking angry that I just spend the night pouting in the corner. "Madsen was ugly to me," I tell Cheeto.

"Quiet! Birdie is tryin' to sleep."

"Why don't you go back to your one-word responses? You're being ugly, too!"

"I ain't gonna tell you what you wanna hear."

I hate this fucking place! This fucked up situation! This life! "I hate men!"

"Yeah, well, you women ain't much better at times, believe me. Now go to sleep!"

I make a loud pouting noise before crossing my arms and facing the wall. I knew I should never have come!

* * *

I speed through this building so I can go wait in the truck because I hate this place. Any progress with Madsen is gone. Speak of the devil.

"RM," Madsen calls.

I climb in the truck and almost have the door closed before he gets inside. "Go fuck Jessica and leave me alone. " I have a major headache and now this.

Madsen yanks the other door closed when I try and get out of the truck. "You don't want me to ride with you, fine. I understand that, but you're going to listen to what I have to say. I am trying my best to deal with all of this, but I am failing. My feelings aside, I never should have raised my voice at you."

"I'm not a whore!" But how do you know that, Madie? Here I am coming to your room when you think I'm with Negan. I don't even hear the rest of his apology. I'm just so fucking done with this. "Let me out," I yell, cutting him off. As he lets go, I hurry as fast as I can. Not into another truck, but in the woods.

* * *

I get lost in the woods for six days because of it. I find that other community by accident, but steer clear because I don't want to be trapped in another basement again and these guys look fucking mental.

* * *

I can't bring myself to kill any animals, so I survive off some wild mushrooms, no, not the psychedelic kind, and various nuts. Heh, nuts and mushrooms. Penis names. "Whoa." I find this cool rubber ball to play with. I bet Specs would like to have this.

* * *

I stand at the gates of Sanctuary and sigh. I just… I can't do this anymore. All this fighting hurts my belly.

"RM," Specs calls from the chain link. "You're alive! We've been sending trucks out for days trying to find you."

"I wasn't lost. I mean I was, but I didn't mind."

"Mister Madsen is so upset. Last night I found him crying by one of the trucks that returned."

Watching Madsen fall apart is terrifying. To know I caused it… well, it sucks. "Where is he now?"

"Out there. He only comes back for about an hour or two to sleep."

"What about Negan?"

"Your brute said if you ever come back, Mister Madsen is gone for upsetting you and making you run into the woods."

"I gotta talk to Negan. This is all my fault."

"He's not here, either. He's out looking for you, too. Uh, what's that there," he perks up.

"I found this. Figured you'd like to have it." Which means I gotta play with him. Guess it will keep my mind occupied. Until the fucking ball goes on top of the fucking greenhouse. "Fuck!"

"Where are you going?"

"Up these wall stairs to get the ball back."

"RM, I- I don't think this is a good idea."

"Just trust me." Honestly, this is a shit fuck idea. Halfway up, the stairs pull from the wall. "Specs," I scream, landing on the ground.

* * *

I open my heavy eyes and whimper.

"RM?" Negan grabs my cheeks.

Where am I?

Specs wipes his sweaty eyes, taking my hand.

My body hurts like those times I was struck by lightning. Then things start to fall in place. Oh, right. The ball on the greenhouse. Stupid idea. I guess Negan never thought to ask what happened because he assumes I got these injuries in the woods.

"He's fucking gone," Negan snarls.

"No! The woods thing is my fault for being a selfish spoiled whore. I threw myself at Madsen when we went to the sex place. Madsen was upset because he said if I'm okay with fucking him behind your back I'm not the girl he knew."

"Madsen said fuck?"

"No, dingus. I'm pear glazing here."

"Paraphrasing. Go on."

"Don't fucking kick Madsen out! It's my fault I ran into the woods."

"It was a real dumb fucking thing to do! When you feel better, I'm kicking your ass."

"Look, I'm exhausted. Please take me to my room, and I'm not awake yet if anyone asks."

Negan hoist me up. "I need fucking index cards for all your lies."

"Not a fucking word. Specs, you too. In fact, you just avoid Madsen because you're a terrible liar. Now let's go," I tell Negan before pretending to be asleep.

"Where are you taking her?" Madsen asks worrisome once we're out in the hall.

"Don't talk to me, Madsen," Negan snaps.

This is only the beginning of the fuckery. Every single day Madsen comes to check on me. Sponge bathes me. One day he clipped my fingernails even. Truthfully, I really needed the help. My little bones hurt so bad I couldn't even piss on my own. I had this tube up me, which fucking blows tits for skittles by the way. There's still blood in my piss bag.

At night, Madsen sits on the floor beside my bed after he puts in my videotape. Which, I sold for drugs way back when. So add this to the list of things he's done for me.

"Please wake up, baby. I'm sorr-" He chokes the rest of his words out before he starts to sob.

Oh for Christ's sake. This cannot continue. My tears come out faster than I can wipe them away as I listen to his cries. The only good thing to come from this is that we're both sober right now. Well, fuck, no I'm not because the pain meds. But maybe it's ok because I'm not abusing it. I don't even goddamn know anymore.

* * *

I finally got a real shower today because I'm able to walk, and I got this tube out of me. That's like some alien technology or something. When I'm back in my room, I turn on my videotape before dozing off. Which doesn't last long. I roll over when my bed moves.

Madsen's eyes quickly dart away when he sees I'm naked.

I cover my chest with the sheet as I sit up.

"I'm sorry for barging in on you."

His apology hurts because his reservation is another painful reminder we are no longer together.

"I've never feared more for your safety-"

"Stop. I'm fine. Look, I fell off wall stairs getting a ball down."

"It doesn't matter how you sustained the injuries, RM. I thought you were never going to wake up."

"Madsen, I've been awake since the infirmary."

"Oh," he frowns. "I suppose I deserved that..."

"No, you don't. You don't deserve any of this."

He turns up my oil lamp, followed by a loud sigh. "I thought the sheets were bloody. These stitches need to be taken out and redone. They're already ripping."

No one knows more about stitches than Madsen, that's for sure. I can feel the blood trail down my back from where they've already started to tear. When I turn so he can fix them, my eyes fall closed. Despite the pain, his touch feels so good on my bare skin. I look at him over my shoulder. "Thank you for taking care of me. For always taking care of me."

"If I took care if you, I wouldn't be fixing stitches."

"You can't put me in a bubble."

"I just," he lowers his head. "I can't believe the way that I spoke to you at the brothel. I'm so ashamed for what I said."

I believe it because I deserved it. Even though it hurt me, it doesn't mean that it wasn't the truth. If he had fucked Jessica, I'd never want to touch him again. And I'd be ten times fucking angrier.

"There." He snips the thread on my stitches. "How is your leg?"

"Bruised to fuck. I snagged these stockings on the wall stairs and cut my leg, too." I guess I'm not too upset about it. They're just some random ones I got from the supply room. I move the cover over to show him. I didn't expect him to grab my inner thigh to look the cut over.

"It's deep, but it will heal without any complications." He moves the sheet back over me.

Maybe he thought it went unnoticed, but I watched his eyes briefly focus between my legs. It gives me optimism about us. There's nothing for him to see because I haven't ripped these. I have been wearing these for months. Madsen knows I won't fuck unless I have my hips covered. Therefore, Madsen was checking to see if I still had my innocence in these stockings. I don't want anyone but him, and now he has his proof that I've been a good girl. Oh, fuck me. There's a flaw in all this though. If I'm supposed to be with Negan, they **should** be ripped.

"RM, are you and Negan…"

Fuck! No. I'm not ready!

* * *

 **A/N NSFL is Not Suitable for Life if you were curious. It's my little nod to Cattle Decapitation. Anyway, I put a poll up on my profile where you can vote for RMadie or Regan.**


	34. Chapter 34

_**Abience** (n.) the strong urge to avoid someone or something._

* * *

I know he knows, so just fucking tell him. Just get it over with. But his face looks so fucking betrayed. Like I purposely wanted distance from him or didn't want to be with him. Fuck.

The door swings open and in steps Negan.

Of course, it's fucking Negan. Well, at least now I can keep avoiding this.

"Madsen, trucks. It's time to take care of NSTUVWhatever the fuck."

"NSFL and why do you want me to fight with the Saviors if I'm going to be exiled?"

Negan rubs the back of his neck. "Look, maybe I fucking overreacted a bit. RM is safe, I need you."

My eyebrow raises devilishly. I'm going to rub one out to that. Negan needing my Madie. Fuck. "Wait." I snap out of my thoughts. "Don't go. Either of you. No killing, please. There's gotta be another way."

"RM," Negan starts in his I'm king steel eel so fuck your opinion attitude tone, "don't fucking start with me right now. I've got enough on my mind without listening to you dictate what I decide is right for us."

"Well, your decision is stupid, and if you go, I'll be mad at you!"

"RM," Madsen interrupts. "You heard what Sid said. Those men are acting out against his women. Whether we get supplies or not, we can't morally sit by as men and allow this to happen to women."

I lay down on the bed and turn my back to them. "Then go be fucking men," I mumble. When they leave the room, my heart sinks. I don't want the women to be hurt, but I don't want anyone to be hurt. I'm just so fucking tired of killing. Instead of pouting, I get dressed and go find Mister Rogers. He'll make me feel better.

...

No one is injured when they return, but many of them have blood stains on their clothing. Including Negan and Madsen. "Are they all dead?"

"Yep," Negan announces proudly.

"Negan, we need to go back," Madsen tries to persuade him.

"I'll tell you like I told you back there, Madsen. They're all fucking dead."

"And I'm telling you, not all the men were accounted for. We should go back while they're vulnerable."

"No, and that's final."

Part of me thinks that Negan is only saying this because he feels like Madsen is undermining him. I know what I saw just from the small glimpse in the woods that day. There were dozens of fuckheads. Now I'm worried. This is another fucking reason that I tried to tell them not to fucking go. What if NSFL followed them home?

Madsen folds his arms as he watches Negan go up the steps.

I also worry about Madsen. What Madsen says goes, and being under Negan, it concerns me that Madsen isn't long for Sanctuary. How long can I expect an alpha to live under another? Especially in a situation like this where it's safety. Madsen doesn't fuck around when it comes to this shit. "I'll talk to him."

"I want you to stay inside these gates at all times. Yes?"

"Yes, Madsen." I don't like being a submissive fuck, but I will to ease his frayed nerves.

"You wanna go back," Charlie asks.

Madsen nods as the two and Dominic start out the front doors.

Fuck! Now I'm going to be worried sick until they get back. I try to go upstairs and talk to Negan, but he kicks me out because he wants to fuck his brand new wife.

"Leave, coke whore," the wife tells me.

"Are you going to let her talk to me like that?"

"RM, get the fuck out," Negan tells me.

I'm appalled. "Old Negan would never allow some fucking leather lunchbox to insult me and let her stay." I shake my head and leave. Such bullshit. I see where I fucking stand…

...

I'm so tired that I pass out on the railing of the catwalk waiting for Madsen to get home. It isn't until I'm picked up that my eyes open.

"It's dangerous to fall asleep on the ledge like that, RM," Madsen whispers, as he rubs my back.

"You're home." My arms wrap around his neck as he carries me. "Did you find them?"

"No. We just have to keep searching."

Fuck. That means more bloodshed. Fucking Negan.

"Don't worry, I'll find them."

"I know you will."

He tries to pry my hands from his neck after he sets me in my bed. "Let go, RM."

"No. Then you'll leave." I'm no match for him and my hands are put at my side. "Please." I scoot over in the bed. I want this man so fucking much. More than I ever have which I never thought possible. "Just for one night."

"I can't, RM. I don't trust myself."

"I won't let it happen, and we both know you won't take it from me."

"It's not right."

"Just stay for a few minutes. I waited up all night for you…"

"I got you something." He digs into his pocket and hands me a lighter with a skeleton on it. "I know you don't smoke anymore, but I-"

"I like it," I beam. Heh. "Thank you."

He briefly grazes my cheek.

His touch makes my stomach jump. Just tell him about you and Negan. How you think about him all the time. He does want you, RM. He's admitted it a few times. I guess since so much time has passed, I worry he'll be angry if I tell him I'm not with Negan. That I'm a liar. It's been four years since I've felt him inside me. Against me. His harsh moans in my ear. Those callus fingers catching on my soft legs. A flawless warm virile chest that my hands run over the smooth contours of. How his stomach is just a little ticklish. Or how he holds his breath before he finds his release so deep inside me. My name as it loudly leaves his lips. Would it be different? Would he stay after calling out my name, or would he run off to the bathroom because the intimacy is too much? Has the road to get here changed him for better or worse? Am I chasing after nostalgia? I just want my dominating silhouette of perfection to fuck me back together again.

"What are you thinking about?"

What did that therapist say? Turgid stretched walls. I want all that with you, Madie. He is so fucking perfect. "I'm thinking about you fucking me. How it felt to come undone for you. Under you. Around your thick-"

"Enough!"

Goodbye, Madsen...

"Who are you? Unbelievable." Madsen slams the door behind him.

I open my drawer and take all the pills I have. I just can't swallow them, and spit them on the ground. Fuck! You couldn't just say that you were thinking about aliens, you stupid fuck!

* * *

I hate breakfast and dinner time because Madsen always sits at Negan's table since he's a lieutenant. It's the most awkward thing, and eating is hard enough. His wives never join us, but this new one with the fucking mouth on her just happens to plop herself down and opens her big dumb fucking trap.

"What is she doing here? She's not even a fucking wife. She's a charity case. Don't you have fucking drugs to OD on, crackwhore?"

Oh my fuck. You loud mouth bitch! What has she done?!

Negan glares at her and I actually watch him restrain his hand. "Guess who else ain't a wife? **You**. Get the fuck fucking away from my table, pack your shit, and fuck right the fuck off."

I want Negan to stand up for me, just not in front of Madsen. I'm so fucking… well… there are too many emotions going through me to process.

"You're getting rid of me? Fuck you, Negan. Let's see any of your other wives do half the shit I let you do to me last night."

"You think pussy is hard to find in my position, bitch? All I have to do is snap my fingers to have a new pair of tits choking down my cock. Don't let the parlor doors hit your ass on the way out. If they can find it."

"Fuck you, Negan!"

"Used cunt!"

She throws her drink in his face before leaving.

"That's your fault," Negan grumbles at me, flinging the water from himself.

My eyes are the size of aliens. The jig is up. I'm so fucking mortified, I can't even bring myself to look at Madsen.

Negan realizes this went too far. "...well… fucked that up."

"Wait, what?" Dominic laughs confused. "Wives? I thought you two were fucking each other."

Fuck. This is not how I wanted Madsen to find out. And after months, after all my stalling and beating around the bush, the words leave my mouth. "Negan and I aren't together," I finally admit, though it's not much of a confession. "We haven't been together in months."

Negan takes me by the arm when I get up. "Where are you going?"

"School." I move out of his grip and hurry off as I feel sets of eyes watching me. Once I'm around the corner, I press my back to the wall and take in a deep breath. "Fuck!" I cover my face and slide down the wall. This is so fucked! That **stupid** bitch. Yet I sit here and wonder, how much longer would this have gone fucking on for if it hadn't have been for her opening her mouth? I don't really feel all that relieved because I don't know what's going through Madsen's head. Maybe I would if I didn't flee from that table.

"RM," Negan huffs. "I'm sorry. I didn't think, I was just so fucking pissed-"

"It's okay, dumpy. Truthfully, I'm sorry for making you keep my secret this long. I appreciate you standing up for me too."

He gets on one knee. "RM, we might not be together, but I care a lot for you. No one is going to talk to my number one like that."

"Stop," I laugh.

"You missed Madsen's face. I think he's still sitting at that table dumbfounded."

He's not dumb. He knew the moment he saw my unripped soft legs. He's hurt, which is exactly what I didn't want. He wanted me to admit it. Not hear it from a third party. "Negan, I didn't want it to happen this way."

"Well, with your way he was going to die of natural causes waiting to tell him. This way, you got like two solid years of fucking before he breaks a hip or something. Then you come find me. I'll make that pussy real happy," he smirks with a wink.

I know he means well, but I just… fuck. What a mess.


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N There is the most awkward scene between RM and Negan in this chapter, but it really was one of my top favorite scenes to write because I love their chemistry. This is actually a happy chapter. No cliffhanger, either :)**

 **I know my intentions were to publish my book today, but it's been a difficult year so far for me. I will still publish Madsen and RM's backstory, just at a later date when I can breathe again.**

* * *

 _ **Gezellig**_ _(adj.) cozy, nice, inviting, pleasant, comfortable; connoting time spent with loved ones or togetherness after a long separation._

* * *

I haven't seen Madsen in days. I'm not really sure what that means. Until I get the most unexpected surprise at my door.

"Hello."

I shift my eyes side to side. "Yes?"

"I, uh," Madsen clears his throat, rubbing the back of his neck.

Fucking fuck me. He looks good. Damn good. He's wearing my favorite boots and shirt of his. What's his deal though? Since when is he nervous?

"Would you like to have dinner together?"

"Don't we always?"

"It would be us. As in... just us. No one else. Just the two of us."

"So, like the two of us?"

"Yes."

I don't think he got my joke. He's so fucking stiff. I've never seen him like this before. "Okay."

Madsen nods then hurries off up the steps to what I'm assuming is his room.

Oh my god. I never been on a date before! Sweet fuck. I need help and hurry to the parlor. "Get out of the way, plastic tits," I dismiss one of Negan's wives.

"You can't go in there!"

"Watch me." I slam Negan's door behind me because I do what the fuck I want when it comes to Negan. "...uh. The fuck are you doing?!"

Negan stands up straight with a small mirror in his hand. His pants are around his ankles. "There's something-" He squats uncomfortably with a grunt. "There's something wrong with my ass," he frowns.

"Dingus, we got bigger problems than what your wives stuck in your copper cabinet. Madsen asked me to have dinner with him!"

"Bigger problems?! Look, I'm telling you I was wiping my ass and I felt something. A bump."

"It's just a pimple. You're overreacting."

"What if I'm fucking dying! What if my ass is ruptured or something?"

"I'm not a fucking doctor!"

"Will you look at my ass? I can't see anything."

"Probably because all that fucking hair."

"Please, RM. You're the only one I trust enough."

Oh, goddammit. That fucking face. Dumpy lip pushed up. Dumpy eyebrows slanted. Dumpy creased forehead. Dumpy huge eyes. "Fuck. Okay. Look, I'll do this for you, but you owe me one and I'm cashing in." I know I give this fucker a lot of shit, and maybe no one understands, but I guess I don't mind helping him. Negan is a lot of things except vulnerable. You have to put a lot of fucking trust in someone to look at your crack. "It's a tick."

"The fuck? How did I not notice that cocksucker on my asshole of all places?"

"They're sneaky bastards for sure. I'll get it off of you, just stay like this." I reach in my pocket and get my skeleton lighter. "Hold still, motherfucker. I'm going in."

"RM, no! Are you fucking crazy?!

"Well, this is how Mama always got them off me."

"I watched your mom huff gasoline while smoking a cigarette. Consider the source."

"Hmm, yeah, fuck, maybe you're right."

"Here." Negan takes something to give to me from off his bed. "Tweezers."

"Come to think of it, you do have a lot of hair that I could singe." Well, here goes nothing. This is a lot closer to Negan than I ever wanted. "Ugh, this dirty slut. Do you wanna see it?"

"No. Use your lighter on the fucking thing and get rid of it."

Tick or not, I just can't harm it. Just like the lice when I was a little girl and lived at Madsen's.

 _Why aren't they moving?_

 _That shampoo kills them, but some of these are the_ —

 _I killed them?_

 _No. No, I killed them._

 _You shouldn't harm things._

 _Well, it's all right to kill lice._

 _No! You're being ugly._ _Can we bury them?_

 _We can bury them._

"Here, give it to me."

"Thanks," I huff, handing it over.

"Alright, so what's this huge dilemma? Dinner? You two have dinner every night together."

"No, it's a date dinner. He was real fucking nervous and shit. What do I wear?"

"RM, we're men. We don't give a fuck if you wear inflatable pool floaties and a cummerbund. We're just thinking about how long until we can get you home and fuck you."

"I pulled a tick out of your chewing gum knot for advice like that?"

"It's been, what, four years since he's got his dick wet? Trust me. Just go put something on and worry more about not making him go completely deaf."

I narrow my eyes at him. I still can't believe this shit fuck advice.

* * *

Combing my hair hurts worse than ever, but I gotta make it nice. I even put product in it. Make sure I'm smelling fresh. Damn, I'm real fucking fine. I know I gave Madsen shit, but I'm getting fucking nervous now too. I take a few deep breaths and let myself into his room. Well, this makes two men I've walked in on naked today.

However, Madsen doesn't notice and continues to run his towel over the wet contours of his shoulders and arms before towel drying his hair.

My eyes drop to one thing. His ass. That ass is so fucking fine. I would pull a tick from it with zero complaints. It's firm, so fucking firm, and he has these dimples above it. Damn. I don't want to be this creeper.

When he notices me, he freezes.

I lock eyes with that fucking whalelphant. Holy fuck.

It's for just a moment before he turns around to put on his boxer briefs.

"Sorry for barging in. I guess I'm still adjusting to you not being my property."

He doesn't respond and continues to get ready.

I feel wrong for enjoying it, but I miss watching his routine. Slowly, I inch my way to him until I'm by his side watching him fix his hair into place.

He gives me one of the old pomade cans he's kept, then goes back to using his comb.

I love these cans because of the cute skeleton on it. Madsen always gave it to me once it was empty. I hold it against my chest while I watch in the mirror as he finishes. Last to go on is his shirt. Today is one I've never seen. Some black thermal long sleeve one that contours well to his torso and arms. Brass knuckles and other miscellaneous things go in his pocket.

He lets out a breath laugh when he takes his wallet. "It's one habit I can't let go of. I guess I should throw it away."

I take it from him and thumb through it before pulling out his license with his picture on it. "How do you say your last name?"

"Draeger."

Dray-grrr.

His thumb brushes my cheek. "You keep it."

His touch makes me weak. I slide the plastic in my pocket. Rude Motherfucker Draeger. Fuck yeah. No one's gonna fuck with me.

"Come on, RM." He holds the door open for me, then leads us down the steps. Being a lieutenant, he doesn't wait in line for food. "Tell her what you want."

Fuck, what did Negan call my alien food? I'm holding up the line.

One man gets real fucking mouthy. "You wanna fucking pick someth-"

Madsen grabs the man by his throat.

"S-sorry, Sir…"

"You watch how you speak to that woman."

He nods because Madsen's grip is too tight to speak.

Madsen shoves him back as the man trips and falls on the floor. "Back of the line. Now. Anyone else have anything to say?"

The line of people fall silent.

"Grapes, and get me one of those cups of noodles. Hussle," Madsen orders, snapping his fingers.

"Yes, Sir."

Goddamn, I wish people moved like this for me. I'm given the greenest alien heads, too. Yeah, I already forgot what they were called. Whatever.

"2," Madsen reminds the woman.

I guess I never realized just how high up Madsen was. Better than Simon or Connor.

Madsen slides my food across the bars too so the woman can deduct the points.

"You're good," she smiles, losing it once she sees the next man in line.

It makes me even more jealous because he's not mine. These women treat him like he's a piece of meat. It's worse that he looks just like Negan.

"Where do you want to sit?"

"We're having dinner here?" My heart sinks because this isn't the kind of intimacy I was hoping for. Having to shout my conversation over one hundred people.

"I thought my room would be inappropriate. I don't… really know the rules anymore, RM," he frowns.

"I don't want to eat here," I pout.

"What if we went outside?"

Okay… that's better. I follow behind him still nervous.

Madsen sets down my tray across from his.

I know I should have sat across from him, but I don't want to. My shoulder rubs against his arm as I sit.

"Right side, RM."

It's not that I forgot he was deaf in his left ear, or that he's left-handed. I'm just so awkward. Is he going to be upset I never said anything about Negan and me? I plop down on his right side and reach for my tray. My skin feels feverish when he helps me in my gloves. "Thank you." I mostly just pick and push my food around as Madsen eats. This silence is killing me. "Will you say something, please?"

He sets down his fork while clearing his throat. "When I was in my early twenties, I modeled boxer briefs so I could help raise money to pay for my motorcycle shop. I didn't know it at the time, but in the contract, I didn't state anything about them being able to use the photos as many times as they wanted. What I'm trying to say is my crotch is still on that damn Ralph Lauren boxer briefs insert card. I noticed there's a package in the supply room of them."

Wait. What? My Madie posing in underwear? Unbelievable. My eyes widen. What fucking day is it?! I need those fucking things!

"It's Friday since I know you're trying to figure out the day."

Fuck! How did he know that? Is my boner showing again? Goddamn, his smart brain. "I was not. I already seen the real thing," I shrug casually.

"Oh," he murmurs disappointed.

"How much did you make?"

"Well, that's personal."

I sigh annoyed.

"Thirty-five hundred."

"Wow," I say impressed. "That's like a lot of Cheetos." I want that package of underwear. "I think you could have got more."

His lip tugs upward. "Thanks."

Rather than let the conversation go stale, or keep avoiding it, I just get it out of the way. "Are you mad about Negan?"

"No."

"Why is this so fucking awkward then?"

"Baby steps."

"I wear a fucking size five boot that's still too big. All my steps are baby ones."

"I'm just trying to adjust to all this information. Why didn't you tell me you weren't with Negan?"

"Because I wanted you on your terms. I didn't want you to feel guilted into some relationship with me because you felt sorry for me that I wasn't with Negan and I'd be alone."

"And I didn't want to come between your happiness with Negan."

"Happiness with Negan is the twenty minutes I wake up before he does. Peace and fucking quiet. Though the sound of his chest hair against those sheets is usually enough to send me over the edge."

"I do enjoy hearing you criticize him."

"Well, I shouldn't though. He's good to me. And he got me sober two times."

"He can't take credit for your sobriety."

"Oh, he can. He handcuffed me to the floor the first time."

"That's a bit harsh. I don't agree with that."

"He did the right thing. I started eating fentanyl and overdosed a few times. Madsen, I had some hard times because you lied. I thought you were dead. I understand now you did it to protect me, just like I kept Negan and me a secret to protect you. We both had our reasons."

"I didn't think of it like that."

"Yeah, my brain is getting pretty full of knowledge these days."

"You've always been smart, RM."

If I was smart, I'd figure out a way to be fucking right now. Why does this man see me for this girl I'm not? In his eyes, I'm the most perfect woman alive. How the fuck did I get so lucky.

I desperately want his touch all night, but he's a gentleman. Even when he walks me to my room. I want to ask him in, but I'm scared. What if he doesn't share those lustful feelings anymore?

"Goodnight, RM."

"Goodnight," I blush, a little disappointed I didn't get affection. Oh! That fucking reminds me! After a good minute, I rush to the parlor to find Negan going up the stairs. "Dumpy! Wait!" Fuck, I'm out of breath. "I need your keys. Madsen did some underwear modeling and there's a package in the supply room."

Negan just busts out laughing. In fact, he laughs so hard, he has to hold onto the fucking rail to keep from falling. This fucker is actually drooling. "Yeah, I fucking believe that old fuck is on an underwear package like I believe we're going to find a cure. Jesus, RM. I thought you were sober. You put her up to this?"

You? Who the fuck is Negan talking to- oh fuck me. I turn around and rub the back of my neck awkwardly. "Heh."

Madsen was standing behind me the entire time with his arms folded.

"Madsen has a key to the supply closet. Have him get them for you. There's some viagra in there too he can get. I'm going to go get my dick sucked. My nice hard still able to get it up without medicine dick." Negan trots up the steps.

Well, this is fucking awkward. "I didn't tell him you needed viagra."

"Negan says that because he's insecure."

"Am not," Negan shouts from the top of the steps.

Madsen drops his arms. "My point illustrated."

"Fuck you, Madsen," he grumbles.

When we're finally alone, I turn back to Madsen. "This is really your fault if you think about it. What if I modeled bras? Huh?"

"You'd have to actually wear a bra to model them. Christ only knows that I have asked a million times so they're not peeking out of the sides of your shirt. Quit eyeing my keys. You're not getting them."

"I was eyeing your seven and a half inches of man majesty."

"What am I going to do with that mouth, girl?"

You could fuck it. I flash him a smile. Fuck. The last thing I need is some sausage wallet ogling my Madie's packaged package. I'm going to get those goddamn underwear if it's the last thing I do…

* * *

 **A/N Don't be Googling Polo Ralph Lauren boxer briefs now or RM won't be happy.**


	36. Chapter 36

_**S**_ _ **ú**_ _ **ton**_ _(n.) twilight; the approach of death or the end of something._

* * *

I snap my eyes open when I can't breathe. "Asshole."

Negan is laughing, feeling accomplished after pinching my nose to wake me. "Well, you're still dressed so I guess the date didn't go well."

"We're taking things slow."

"You guys are fucking ridiculous."

"What if he's not attracted to me after I fucked Dominic? I know that's what it is, Negan."

"That could be it. As men, we're territorial. If Lucille slept with my best friend, no viagra in the world could help."

"Thanks, dingus."

"You asked, RM. Just talk to him. Seriously. Don't let this go for another few months. And get your ass up and ready for school."

Ugh! I don't have time for school!

* * *

Things between Madsen and me are still awkward. He's always saying he's tired or he's in a bad mood so he doesn't want to hang out. After the fifth day of it, fuck him. I'll go make my own fun.

Chonsey and I watch my alien movie, but he gets bored and leaves to do Chonsey things.

Specs has a fever.

Cheeto is busy with Birdie.

Dominic is, well do I even have to tell you?

I go up to the parlor to find Negan. He's having a drink, playing strip poker with his wives. Ugh, gross. His shirt is off. Well, and the rest of them are naked.

"Wanna join us, rumpy?"

"You know I don't."

Negan lays down a card. "What are you doing up here anyhow? Thought you'd be fapping to Calvin Klein panties."

"Who the fuck is Kevin? It's Polo Ralph Lauren boxer briefs, dingus." Which I still have yet to claim for my own. Goddammit.

"Negan, I thought we–"

"Quiet, I'll talk to RM as long as I want." His eyes shift from his wife to mine. "Well? What are you doing up here?"

"Nothing. Nevermind."

Negan follows me outside into the hall. "Hey, I'm playing the concerned guy here."

"No one wants to hang out with me. I'm a fucking loser."

"Madsen blew you off?"

"He's being awkward. I can't take this fucking shit anymore!"

"Whoa, hey, calm down. I don't think you're a loser. I'll hang out with you."

"No, go play cards."

"Bitch, I said I'll hang out with you, so stop your fucking pouting. Let me get on a shirt. Just hold on."

I'll give him two minutes before I fall for his bullshit again. Oh. He really did just go get his shirt.

"Alright, what do you wanna do?"

"I wanna leave this planet forever," I frown.

"Stop that bullshit right fucking now. I swear to god, I'll chain you to the fucking radiator again if you start making threats about taking your life. So Madsen is avoiding you. That's no reason to OD. You can't live for someone else, RM, because when they die, you die too. Life fucking sucks. I mean, there's no sugar coating it. You just need to find a distraction because that's all we can do in this life. Distract ourselves from all the fuckery surrounding us. Come on. I have an idea."

It was good advice that I really appreciated because he didn't have to give up his night. But he does. Which is more than I can say for anyone else.

After several grunts and groans, Negan builds this contraption outside for me. "There!"

"I don't understand it. You just told me I can't take my life, but you built me a noose."

"It's a tire swing. Get in it. No, not actually in the motherfucker." Negan helps me out and puts my legs through it so I can sit on it, not in it. Well, if he just would have said that. "Now, I'm going to push you."

As I speed through the air, I flip out of the tire and land on my arm. "Ow! Fuck!"

"Fuck! Why the fuck did you let go?!"

"I didn't know I was supposed to hold on! Fuck. Ouch, this lump hurts real bad."

"Shit. Don't touch that. That's your bone. You broke your arm."

I sigh heavily. "This is a fuck day."

"I'm sorry," he frowns, picking me up.

It's not even that big of a deal. It's just a lump. That is… until the doctor "sets" my arm. My screams draw Dominic, Cheeto, and finally Madsen into the infirmary.

"How did she break her arm," Madsen demands.

"Oh fuck, that's gnarly," Dominic laughs, which only angers Madsen more.

"I asked a question!"

"Fuck your question," I snap at Madsen. "Fuck all three of you. I asked you guys to play and Negan was the only one who didn't blow me off. Now you're concerned because I'm hurt? Get the fuck out. I don't want to see any of your faces." I turn my back to all three and reach for Negan's hand.

"RM," Madsen starts.

"Get out," I yell. "Now. All of you. If you built me a noose tire and gave up your night to spend with me then you can stay. If not, get the hell out!" My anger turns to the doctor. "Ow!"

"Hold still so I can mold your cast."

This takes forever, and this cast thing is heavy and awkward. When Madsen steps back in to check on me, I angrily point back at the door he came in. "Leave!"

"RM–"

"Leave, bitch," I yell.

Negan shakes his head after Madsen walks away. "Push the one you want to be close to out completely. Real smart, RM."

"Brain science has nothing to do with this. I asked them to play, they all had other things to do."

"Whatever, bitch. Let me sign your cast."

"What? Why?"

"That's what people do."

Weird, but, alright. In the boldest letters, Negan writes–

 **NEGAN'S COCK IS HARDER THAN THIS CAST.**

"What the fuck did you write that for?"

"It's the truth."

"Yeah, it does get pretty hard." I sigh and lower my arm. "When can I take this off?"

"Six weeks," the doctor informs me.

"What? That's like a lot of days! That's like a month!"

"It's a month and a half," he corrects me.

"Oh, you think because you're a doctor you're smarter than me?"

"I am smarter than you."

Negan knocks him clean across the jaw. "Not smart enough to know to close his fucking mouth. Don't you ever talk to that woman that way again! You have no idea how fucking intelligent she is, fucking prick."

I smile up at Negan. "Yeah? You think my brain is smart?"

"I think you're smart, RM. Come here." He hoists me up. "Let's go watch a movie."

I figured that _let's go watch a movie_ meant he'd plug it in and leave me, but he actually takes me to his bed to watch it. Oh, god, this bed is so fucking soft. And so much room. Yet, when Negan gets comfortable, I can't help but wish the bed was smaller. I scoot close to him and lay on his chest. "Thank you for my swing."

"I'm sorry you got hurt. Next time hold on, dummy." He pulls the covers over me.

I'm not cold, but I don't fight it. Or my heavy eyelids. I missed this bed. Or maybe I just miss my shag pillow…

* * *

Waking up sucks. I'm in a lot of pain. Negan gives me some pills, then sends me to school.

"Great job, RM. You've really improved," Mister Rogers praises.

I'm so excited to see Negan at dinner, I can barely sit still and rush to our table once it's time. Damn, what's taking him so long?

"Here, RM," Madsen tells me, setting down my tray.

"You didn't need to do this."

"How's your arm?"

I ignore Madsen as Negan nears.

"What's that look for," Negan laughs, having a seat.

"I get another reward at school," I smile proudly at Negan. "Will you come? It's at the end of the week."

"I wouldn't miss it."

"Well... that's what you said last time and..."

"Look, I know, but I promise, I'll be there."

"Okay," I smile, grabbing his hand.

He coils his fingers around mine. "Affection twice in two days, bitch?"

"Yeah, dumpy," I smirk.

Madsen's chair scrapes across the floor. He's walked away from most of his dinner.

"What's his deal?"

"You _are_ holding my hand. You tell him about your reward?"

"No," I say with a mouthful. "So?"

"He's jealous you invited me and not him."

"Fuck him, he's been ignoring me for days!"

"What can I say? I know pride when I see it. He's too goddamn stubborn to ask. Look, whatever you do, don't fucking invite him now. I mean, you know he's going to show up."

"I don't really know what to believe anymore." I get up from the table and go spend the night in my room. Drugs took up so much of my time. I'd get fucked up and days used to pass. Being sober, I'm always bored. And time goes by so slow.

 **NEGAN'S COCK IS HARDER THAN THIS CAST.**

Ugh, no. Life is harder than this cast...

* * *

When the day comes to get my reward, no Negan. I'm so upset and can't believe how emotional I am over this shit. His number one my ass. He doesn't give a fuck about me. And what is Madsen doing here? I didn't invite him to my reward ceremony...

"RM, I'm-"

"Have you seen Negan?" I ask again when Madsen just stares at me.

"...no."

He's full of shit, too. He probably saw Negan outside when he was smoking and doesn't want to upset me. Too fucking late for that. Negan should have fucking thought about someone other than his dick.

"RM, wait!"

I barely beat Madsen outside to find Negan on one of the tables talking to a new issue girl that just arrived the other day.

He's trying to convince her to be one of his wives, but goes pale once he sees the certificate in my hand. "Fuck!"

"Yeah, fuck!"

"RM, wait!" Negan trips twice getting up from the table. "RM-"

"I feel fucking stupid falling for your bullshit again! Here... let me just save you the trouble." I rip the certificate in half letting it fall to his feet. "Fuck you for making me feel like this, you dumpy fuck."

"RM, wait!"

"Don't touch me," I scream up at his stupid face. "I fucking went and got Lucille for you and almost died in the process. You can't even show up for my reward! You lied to me. Again!" I hurry off inside as my tears give and I cry once I'm back in my room. Fuck!

...

I sigh frustrated when I can't find the stupid color for the trash squirrel. It was just in here!

"RM," Madsen tells me, handing over the crayon that must have rolled off my table.

I keep my eyes down on his boots as I take the crayon. If I look at him, it's over. What small shred of strength I have will crumble again. I'm not sure if he's searching for the words or expecting me to speak. This awkward silence devastates me. I've never not known what to say to him. I focus in on my page before I just anger him with my stupid mouth. When I hear him shuffle back towards the door, I panic. Please, don't fucking leave me. I'm so desperate, I ask the only thing that comes to mind. "Do you wanna color with me?" Just like I thought, when he looks over his shoulder and our eyes lock, my heart drops. It's like this rock that sinks so fast I can't even catch it before it slips through my fingers.

"Yes," he replies almost instantaneously. It's more eager than any response I've heard from him. Like he's suffering from the distance created, too.

Fuck, I know I hurt him, but I can't fix what I've done if he won't let me in. My only leg to stand on is the fact that I really thought he was dead. Still, it's no excuse because it's Dominic. If the situation was reversed and Madsen touched Ren, I would feel the exact same. Betrayed. He knows how jealous I am of Ren, and I knew how jealous he was of Dominic. I look over to see Madsen giving me the green crayon. "What's that for?"

"You're drawing Troglodytes Aedon, right?"

"You remember that?"

"I do, and I remember that it had one green eye."

As I stare at the crayon, I can feel this ache in the back of my throat. Do not fucking let him see you cry. I can't see what he's drawing because his left hand covers it up. I miss his drawings. Damn, my green crayon is always so low because of aliens. This box has a crayon knife, but no matter what I do it comes right back out the same. "This thing never works," I frown, lowering my crayon and the box.

Madsen guides the crayon back to the box, then gently turns my hand. "Revolutions."

I'm not going to lie. His warm skin on mine still makes me weak. After a few turns, I take the crayon out to find that it's like brand new again. "Thank you," I smile.

It seems that I still have an effect on him, too, and he takes a second glance at my smile. "I'm sorry that I never sent you to school, RM. It's just… I was afraid," he pauses. "Afraid that they'd try and take you away from me. I don't know if you remember or not, but Sheriff Phil tried to take you when you first came to live with me."

"I hated that day."

"Still. I owned that county. I should have paid someone off to teach you these kinds of things. Christ, RM, I thought the fewer people that knew the better. I never meant it to hinder your development."

"I don't blame you for any of the decisions that you made." I didn't even know what brushing my teeth was when I met Madsen. In the short time he had me, he helped me so much.

Madsen slides over his drawing to me before rising from the table. He presses his lips to the top of my head. "I am proud of you, RM."

My eyes well up when I look at his drawing. He's drawn a replica of my certificate reward. "Madie, wait," I call back at him after the door has shut. I set down the drawing and wipe my face. Fuck it. I don't care if he sees me cry. I just want him to know that he is what I want, and take off for his room.

Only I'm too late.

I watch Jessica slip inside his room, closing the door behind her. What the fuck?! I hurry to his room and put my ear against his door.

"Jessica, you need to leave."

My jealousy consumes me.

She says she misses him, then she's quiet.

He's quiet.

I hate myself for trying to fuck Dominic.

"Madsen, I love you. I always have. We never really got a chance at starting anything. I want to pick up where we left off that night at your place."

I push myself away from the door. Oh my fuck, I knew it. You fucking bitch, I sob, before taking off down the steps. My chest is so tight, but I keep running down each stair. Hundreds of rusted metal steps and torturous thoughts until it becomes too much and my legs give right outside the gates of Sanctuary. "I hate this life! Goddammit!" I'm startled when a hand grabs my shoulder.

"RM," Madsen huffs out of breath.

"What… how did you…"

"She just let herself in. I asked her to leave for a second time and as she did that's when I saw you running. Knowing what that overactive imagination of yours cooked up when she said she loved me."

"I can't compete with her!"

"Have I ever asked you to?"

"No," I flush, feeling foolish.

"You can't keep filling your mind with these thoughts that these women could ever compete with you."

I stand up and wrap my arms around him. This man is everything to me.

"What do you want, RM?"

"You."

His fingers run through my hair before I'm hoisted up.

Is this finally confirmation? Are we… together? Being in his arms is the most– I let out a deafening scream when I feel something stab through my calf as Madsen turns around. I look over my shoulder to see us surrounded by five men.

Madsen gasps for a breath.

The knife not only went through some of my leg, but is lodged in his stomach. "No," I scream.

Madsen's grip on me loosens as he reaches for his gun only to be stabbed again by the same man.

This time, I'm dropped to the pavement as Madsen stumbles back a step.

"You're going to kill my men, I'm going to kill yours," the one holding a knife says.

Oh god. These men are what's left of NSFL! When he gets near my Madie again, I disarm the knife by using a trick PM showed me. "Go away," I threaten.

As one of them grab me, Madsen fires what's left in his gun at the men.

It is the only time I have ever been grateful to see a .50 caliber round go through skulls.

As the last man falls, so does Madsen.

"No!"

"RM," Madsen chokes, his chest jerking in pain. "I'm sorry," he hiccups. His grip is weak as he tries to cup my leg to stop the bleeding. It's just like him to think of me before himself.

"Help," I scream. "Help!" I press my hands to his stomach. "I'm sorry! I got you hurt running like an idiot. I'll never forgive myself!"

"RM?"

I take his hand, touching it to my cheek. "I'm right here, Madie." I've never seen him writher in pain like this. "Oh, god, Madie, please don't leave me!"

He struggles for a breath. "RM, I–"

"No," I scream. I tug and tug on his shirt but there's no response from him. "Don't fucking die, please. I don't have anyone!"

His lips part as his eyes settle off to the side.

"Madie, no," I sob against his chest. I hear Negan, Dominic, and Cheeto in the distance.

Dominic shoves one of the members of NSFL over onto the concrete barrier as the man reanimates. "Mad-Dog," he shouts, reaching for his throat.

"His insides," I cry, trying to keep them from spilling out.

"Fuck," Dominic panics, grabbing the sides of his head.

"Mad," Cheeto calls, slapping his cheek a few times.

"Is he," Negan asks hesitant.

 _You can't live for someone else, RM, because when they die, you die too._

"Do something," I scream at them.

As they haul Madsen off, I hobble behind them. My cast is stained in Madsen's blood. My soft legs ripped from the knife. My boot filling with blood. My heart past the point of repair.

"Everyone, give me room," the doctor shouts as he fights to save Madsen.

 _If something ever happens to me, you stay close to Charlie. He will always protect you, RM._

I step away from the table a take Cheeto's hand. If I lose Madsen, I don't think Cheeto will have to worry about protecting me...


	37. Chapter 37

_**Mágoa**_ _(n.)_ _a heartbreaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions._

* * *

"He could pass at any moment."

I lower my head and sob. When Negan tries to tug me into his arms, I jerk away. "This is all your fucking fault, Negan! They were NSFL, and if you would have listened to Madsen, he told you he wanted to go back! His blood is on your hands!"

"RM, I'm sorry–"

"Fuck sorry, man! Does that fix this? I don't ever want to talk to you again!"

"You're angry–"

"You're goddamn fucking right I'm angry! Go fuck up someone else's life!" I kick Negan in his stupid shin, but it hurts my toes. "Ow!" I'm not in control of fucking shit. I grab the sides of my hair and pull on it out of frustration as Negan takes it a sign to leave the infirmary. I bend over and try to get a hold of my mind. It's going to be okay. Everything is fine. My eyes focus on Madsen. His bloody shirt is ripped open as all these monitors hook up to him. The bandages are already bloody again that were just replaced. His hair tousled out of place. I walk over and do my best to fix it for him.

The doctor sighs heavily. "What are you doing, RM?"

"I'm making it nice so when he wakes up, he won't be worried about his hair."

"He's not going to make it." That's when I notice a handcuff go around Madsen's wrist and the other side is clicked around part of the table piece.

I start to sob, again, because I know what it means. He's preparing for when Madsen turns. Is that why the room has left me alone? So I can say my goodbyes? I see the doctor has a knife ready. "Wh… what's that knife for? That's not a medical tool."

"You know what it's for."

My teeth grind together as something takes over my body. I hurry outside to Cheeto.

"Did he–"

I yank Cheetos gun from his holster and hurry back into the infirmary.

"RM," Negan calls.

I raise the gun at the doctor. "Get away from my Madie with that knife!"

"RM, this isn't you! You don't hurt people," Negan tried to reason.

"Give me my gun, kiddo."

I squeeze the trigger and fire the gun at the floor when Negan tries to get close. "Back the fuck away!"

All of our attention is turned to the heart monitor as it starts to go crazy with beeping. Even unconscious it's like Madsen has the will to need to protect what is his.

"Uncuff him," Negan tells the doctor before swiping his knife.

"Sir, I'm just taking precautions."

"Get the fucking handcuff off him! You're upsetting her, and you're pissing me off!"

My face turns up at Negan because I am still mad at him and I don't want any reason to be unmad.

"Change her cast," Negan orders.

"No!" I hold it closer to my chest.

"RM, this is getting a little mental. I know it's got his blood on it, but you–"

"You call me mental when you carry around sports equipment named after your wife? Who the fuck are you to judge me!"

Negan gets right in my face. "Because I don't want to watch someone I love be stricken with grief to a point that they can't tell reality from fantasy!" Negan slams his hand on Madsen's bed. "And if he fucking dies, what are you going to do? You think that's what he wants? You think he gave his dying breath to fight those fucks off knowing you'd off yourself the minute things got too hard? Christ, RM, learn from my mistakes! Use me," he yells. He stretches his arms out. "Otherwise, get a good look at your future." Negan's eyes brim over with tears. "I'm sorry," his voice breaks. He tries to get ahold of himself, but can't and leaves the infirmary.

"I want to be alone," I tell everyone else, giving Cheeto back his gun.

He runs his hand down my hair before walking out.

I look over my cast, then take Madsen's hand. "Please wake up."

* * *

Ow! My leg itches real bad from where that knife stabbed me. Fucking pricks. The doctor said to quit scratching it if I don't want to get an infection, but there's no relief! My eyes move over to Madsen's when I think I see movement, but it's more brain tricks. He's not even breathing on his own, and every day it seems like one more machine is added. All because of my stupid tantrum over Jessica. Fuck!

Birdie has an appointment with the doctor today about the baby. I feel like there's life on one side of the room, but death on the other. I decide to leave because I'm not feeling very sociable.

"Hey, kiddo," Cheeto says, plopping down next to me.

"You should be with Birdie."

"Well, I'm here with you."

"I don't understand you. You're just going on with your life like nothing's changed!"

"Madsen's the toughest son of a bitch I ever met. He didn't walk seventeen hundred miles through hell for it to end because of a knick in the gut. I ain't worried, neither should you."

Cheeto can talk his shit, but this is serious. "I have never been so fearful about anything in my life."

"Why do you suppose that is?"

I just shrug.

"This back and forth tip toe bullshit nonsense is done. When he's done with his nap, you two work the shit out, you hear?"

I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat. Cheeto has never been supportive of Madsen and me. So to know he's bitching me out for not telling Madsen my feelings… well… it feels pretty fucking good.

* * *

Madsen has always taken care of me, so it's time to take care of him. I work like a dog. Any job I can take, I do. Anything to get enough points for him and his medical stuff. I enjoy the mornings that I get to shave his stubble. I'll spend that time telling him about my day. This fucking twisted delusion we are together. I like reading to him the best. It's some dumb five page soft book. Some of it's still hard for me to pronounce, but I'll get there. Occasionally, the doctor lets me sleep in the infirmary. Those are the best nights even though they're brief because I have to wake up early to help with breakfast. It's hard work. One of the pots they cook in is bigger than me. When I serve breakfast to the others, I have to use this wobbly stool because I'm too short to reach across the counter. It's scary. Last week, I fell off it and got a black eye from falling on my face. Everyone got a real good laugh from it. Each day is harder than the one before it but if I stop, Madsen will die for sure.

* * *

Negan comes in the infirmary throwing a goddamn fit. It's a good thing he doesn't have Lucille, he'd probably use it on the doctor for whatever it is that's pissed Negan off. "Why didn't you tell me they're still making him earn points?"

I shrug, unsure of what to say. "Your rules are pretty clear. We work for our points. He's unconscious and can't work for his."

"This is different. He saved your life and is on life support because of it. I think that excuses the need for points."

"Whatever, Negan. You know you fucked up and now you're trying to fix it. Well, it's too fucking late for that! Next time, instead of letting pride get in the way, listen to the opinions of your men. You think Madsen woke up yesterday? Don't fucking give him shit about his age, use that fucking knowledge. Look, I can woman up and say that I'm guilty of not listening to what's best because I felt it more important to never let a man tell me what to do. And it was dumb. I got a lot of growing up to do, but that's ok. What's not ok is making foolish choices that could have been prevented. I'm sure Madsen told you several times not to leave, and I'm sure he tried several more times on the way home to get you to turn around. I'm mad at you because you didn't even hear him out. You turned your fucking nose up at him and walked away."

"Well fucking hail the mighty fucking ten-inch dick no having chest hair all knowing Madsen. The foolish choice is spending your time next to a corpse. Stupid, bitch."

"We'll see who gets the last laugh, motherfucker."

"Fuck you," Negan snarls, leaving the infirmary.

"Fuck you, bitch," I yell back.

Dominic's eyes are fucking huge.

I sigh annoyed. "Look, that's just how we talk to each other. Negan'll come back in an hour and we'll be fine."

"Mad's really got a ten-inch dick?"

"..." My eyes blink several times. "Get out!" I wish Madsen could see the look on Dominic's face right now...

* * *

"RM," the doctor starts. "It's been six weeks. We need to take your cast off."

I'm a little more level-headed than I was about holding onto this cast. I suppose he's right. However, it comes with the realization that Madsen has been unconscious for six weeks now. I'm scared the longer he's gone, the harder it's going to be for him to find his way back- "Whoa! The fuck are you doing with that saw, man?!"

"It's to remove your cast."

"You're going to saw my fucking arm off?! Help! Help, he's trying to hurt me!"

"You're overreacting."

"No," I scream, running to my Madie. "Madie, please." I tug on his button up. "Get away from me," I scream at the doctor.

Madsen takes a labored breath, followed by a choke from the tube in his mouth. Still, it doesn't stop him from grabbing the doctor's throat with a snarl.

My bottom lip trembles. "Madie?" Is he… one of the dead?


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N My computer crashed and Beautiful Tragedy was one of the stories that I lost. Then after I wrote this chapter again, the file got damaged somehow. I'm so over technology it's not even funny.**

* * *

 _ **Metanoia** (n.) the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self, or way of life. _

* * *

The doctor is finally released from Madsen's grip. He turns off the saw and catches his breath.

I close my eyes and let out a sigh of relief. Madsen's not one of them. I actually feel a bit bad for the doctor, but he seems understanding. I curl my fingers around Madsen's.

Madsen's eyes go right for my leg to see it's healed, then he notices the saw to cut my cast. His eyes shift to mine. "I'm sorry." His poor voice is so gruff.

"Why are you sorry?"

"To put you through uncertainty for weeks."

And that's all that I get as he slips back into unconsciousness. "What happened?!" I tug at his sleeve.

"This is going to be touch and go for a while. It's going to take his body weeks more to heal, and I can't say what kind of shape he'll be in. Especially with his advanced age."

"Advanced age? He's just seasoned. Motherfucker, do your abs look like this?" As I tug Madsen's shirt up to show the doctor, my cocky grin fades. "What…" I touch his stomach. "Where are his cock muscles?"

Negan clears his throat.

"Dumpy, something is wrong. Madsen's stomach… it's…" I whine and put the shirt down, lifting it back up again to see if I'm imagining shit.

"Guess I should just be grateful you're speaking to me. Even if it's about, well, whatever this is about." Negan scoffs at Madsen's stomach. "Fucker's been unconscious for six weeks and he still looks in better shape than half of these fucks."

"Are you fucking blind?! Where did his V go? And his chest. Why isn't his chest strong?"

"It will be. Once he starts eating and working out again. I can't fucking believe I'm having this conversation."

"Believe it, bitch. And be thankful."

"I am. Which fucking disturbs me more. Are you still mad at me?"

"Do birds shit in the woods? Duh." My eyes widen. "Oh my fuck, do you think his whalelephant is okay?"

Negan folds his arms. "I dunno. Maybe we should check."

"No," Madsen groans.

"Well, I'm out of here." Negan wastes no time leaving.

There are so many things I want to say to Madsen right now. To blurt everything out before I'm left alone because he goes to sleep again. Yet all I can manage is, "hi." I run my fingers through his damp hair. He's submissive like this and I hate it. Madsen isn't one to take a sick day. I've seen him dig graves with pneumonia, but now he can barely sit up. My Madie isn't frail! "Are you going to die?" His silence terrifies me. "I can't lose you again!" My eyes spill with tears. "I'm so fucking worried about you," I sob. "Day after day I waited for you to wake up, but you didn't!"

His heavy red eyes inch up to me. "Are you... I've never seen you cry."

I don't know why it's such a big deal to everyone whether or not I cry. I shove his hand away when he tries to rid my tears. "You're not taking this seriously–"

"Why do you waste your life on this old man?" His voice is raspy. Cold. Defeated.

"I don't like when you talk like that."

He brushes my cheek. "I maybe have a good ten years left in me. Go live your life and quit wasting it on me."

"You don't mean that!"

"I do."

I shake him when he closes his eyes. "Madie?" Another shake. Fuck! That's all I get again!? I stamp my foot with a pout. As I leave the infirmary, I bend down to tie my boot right outside the door. I actually manage this time and feel accomplished.

"Doc, get my smokes," I hear Madsen say.

What? I thought he was unconscious. I just barely peek in the room.

"You really shouldn't smoke. Do you want to try some broth?"

Madsen scoffs lighting his cigarette. "I want some red meat."

"You really shouldn't smoke in here, Sir." The doctor points at the metal bottle that has air in it.

Madsen grumbles and twists his cigarette out with his finger and thumb.

"Thank you, Sir."

I sigh and press my back to the wall. He only faked being unconscious to get rid of me. This is the worst life ever!

* * *

"Here," I tell Madsen, setting a steel tray by him.

His eyes scan the rare steak, then move to me. "Don't you see I'm trying to do the right thing?"

"You don't know fuck all about right. You're a fucking murderer and a drug dealer."

He grabs my shoulder. "Yes, I was… am. But I know what's right for you, RM."

In this moment, I realize what the purpose of all this is. It's not about what man I'm supposed to be with. This is about me. And my life. All this shit that's fell to fuck is because it's supposed to teach me how to grow up and I've ignored that this entire time. "Yeah. I guess you're right. Goodbye." I walk out of the infirmary with the intention of never stepping in it again.

"Hi, RM," Jessica smiles.

I give her a breathed laugh. "You win," I spit bitterly, starting for my room.

* * *

Specs has a seat at my coloring table. "RM, are you ok? You seem depressed lately."

"It's the end of the world, we're all depressed."

"I'm not." Specs sighs heavily. "You know what I mean."

I guess if I can't be real with Specs, I'm not real at all. "Sometimes I feel like people are there only when they need me, but when I have a problem, people can't be bothered with it. Or my problem is ridiculous to them, so I just have to self-cope."

"I wish you could see how much everyone cares for you, RM."

"Right," I scoff. "If people fucking cared, they'd be excited when I talk to them or at least ask about my day. Not put me off until it's convenient for them. And what the fuck am I even talking to you about this for? God, you must think I'm an asshole. We've barely played any since I've been back. I'm sorry," I frown.

"I remember the day that you could have left the farm. Left and been free from my uncles and gone back to Mister Madsen. But you didn't, and for three years, you stayed in that hell with me until I was ready to leave. You gave up three years of your life for me. You're my best friend, and I'm sorry that I don't ask about your day. I've been a real jerk face."

"We both been jerk faces." I hug my friend. My real friend. The realest motherfucker that I know. He's not strong like Negan or Madsen. He's not built like Dominic. He's not clever like Cheeto. But he is more of a man sometimes then all of them.

* * *

One month later.

* * *

Women are always stopping by the table to talk to Madsen. Asking about his injuries.

Old me would have fucking heart failure. New me just shakes it off.

Madsen never once answers with anything more than a shrug or grunt.

I guess I never realized how he truly is not interested in anyone. Maybe if I wouldn't have been so jealous, I would have seen that from the start.

"Mad-Dog, gym?"

Madsen nods at Dominic's question and gets up from the table.

I glance over my shoulder to watch him leave. That's when our eyes meet.

He's looked over his shoulder to see me one last time too. Madsen gives me this breathed laugh with a wink before turning around.

I redden a bit at the expression. Everything he does is so fucking cool. So suave. Fucker.

"RM," Negan calls, having a seat next to me. "Look at these." He shows me these schematics to some bullshit or something.

"Aye aye, dumpy." I roll my eyes and continue eating.

"It's a system for water."

I sure as shit don't need schematics to figure out a way to purify water, which I fucking told Negan I've done this before. I swear, he doesn't listen to shit.

* * *

"I ain't taking the first drink, you do it," Negan orders Simon, shoving the cup of purified water into him.

This fool. "I'll do it. Ah. Re-fuck-shing." I throw the cup at his dumpy head.

He swats the cup away. "RM, I need you to show my men how you did this."

"Alright, my lord. As you wish."

"Where are those schematics?"

"I dunno." Where did I put those?

"Wait, you didn't use them?"

"Negan, I'm going to start talking to you shirtless. That way, maybe you can use sex recollection to remember the shit that comes out of my mouth. I told you I knew how to filtrate water. I did it at Mama's."

"You get smarter every fucking day."

I roll my eyes and go see what the schematics are really about. Pfft, this isn't for water. It's to make gasoline. Actually, it's biodiesel, which is so fucking fancy as fuck because you basically recycle to create fuel. This is some smart shit.

* * *

"Start it up," I tell Specs. When the truck turns on, I fold my arms proudly. I finally figured this biodiesel fuckery out. It was at the expense of my left eyebrow the first try, but it's filled back in nicely. I'm finally earning my keep at Sanctuary. Not just going to school, but actually making a difference in our lives.

"Holy fuckity, you serious," Negan says in disbelief. "Because I ain't riding some fucking horse." He thrusts his fists in the air. "Yes! Yes, motherfucker!"

It wasn't just physical things I worked on. It was emotional relationships, too. Well, not Jessica. She can fuck off. Ugh. Okay, that's mean. Why does she have to be so nice? Fuck! Anyway, so for the next two months, I just try to be nicer. Ask people about their day. Make a collage of everyone in Sanctuary on my wall and note important things. Most things are easy to remember, but I note little things about people that aren't. Like this lady named Krystal. She likes to bake cakes and while she can use the stuff in the kitchen, she doesn't have her tools. I've been collecting toothpaste lids for weeks now, then I cut shapes into them. This way, she can put them on her frosting tubes and make neat designs.

Her eyes widen when she opens the satchel I put them in. "Bitch, you didn't."

Heh, damn she's cool.

"Thank you so much," she smiles.

This was only the start. One of the girls liked to paint, so I trimmed some of the horse's hair, **not fucking easy** , from our barn and made her paint brushes with the hair.

What I didn't expect were gifts from the girls back. I got a cake that looked like Chonsey. The frosting made my teeth black which was really fucking cool to freak people out. I also got a nice painting of aliens from the other girl. This is the best gift thing ever.

Being nice like this started a chain effect in Sanctuary. It started with the little things, then before long, people were actually pulling points together to help each other. And the smile I got from Madsen didn't hurt when rumor spread of my revolution.

* * *

Yeah… so maybe I'm kinda spying on Madsen as he works out today. It's for science, I swear. Negan was right, because goddamn!

Madsen runs his hand down one of the v muscles looking proud. Then his shirt goes on.

Fucker would get his muscles back and then some. I'm quick to leave because I don't want him to see me gawking at him.

"What are you doing?" Negan asks when I come from around the corner.

"Probably heading to bed. Why?"

"You know, I thought after everything that happened with Madsen, you two would get your fuck on."

"Yeah, he doesn't want me. You don't want me either. It's fine."

"RM, that's not-"

"Save it. I'm fine on my own. Always have been. Always will be. Everyone always leaves me. Always. And you know what? I'm fine with it because I got strong on my fucking own! I earn **my** points. I take care of me. And I'm still fresher than any of you motherfuckers while I do it." I tug at the crotch of my shorts. "Hee hee, bitch."

* * *

 **A/N The two year update will be on the 22nd. Regan? RMadie? Perhaps no one? RPM? Heh, just kidding. I hope that it will be worth the wait.**


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N I'm taking some time away from fanfic for myself so that's why I haven't been posting. However, this update is special to me being that it's the 2 year update.**

 **We've arrived at the chapter where RM will decide if it's Regan, RMadie, or neither. I've known for a long time who I've wanted RM to be with and while I've gone back and forth a couple of times, I'm happy with the choice. I still have several more chapters once I get out of my funk and both men will be in it plenty.**

* * *

I know that with everything I've grown up and done things that I couldn't being with Negan or Madsen, but why does it feel so fucking shitty?

 _I'm fine on my own._

The truth is, I'm not fine. I'm so fucking far from fine. These past few months, getting my shit together has been a much needed distraction, but I am so goddamn **empty** inside. Does needing someone make me weak? I snag these fucking stockings on the way to the shower room. Fuck! These are my only fucking pair! I guess that's just one more thing I'll have to do for myself.

"I love you, baby," Cheeto smiles, kissing a very pregnant Birdie.

My eyes well up as I watch the two of them together. It's brief before she's pulled in their room. Damn, she's still a nympho I see. I guess some things don't change. I make my way to the shower room and let the door close behind me. "Hello?" Good. I'm alone. One time that I honestly don't mind being alone. Be strong, RM. You don't need a man. You've never needed a man!

 _Not your baby!_

 _I don't need no man taking care of me!_

I'm so fucking full of shit...

At least with the shower running, it masks my tears. I sob into my hands so the sound doesn't echo throughout the shower room. My heart is so broken, nothing can mend it. "Madie," I cry. I'm all alone. I'm fucking alone. No one wants me. I notice through my tears a blurry Red Wing boot step near my foot.

Large muscular forearms lock around me. Lips touch against my ear and when he speaks it's felt in every part of my body. "I'm here, RM."

I'd fall to the floor if he wasn't keeping me up. My dominating silhouette of perfection!

"Turn around." When I do, water from his face drips on mine. The way that dark colored dress shirt clings to his wet skin, forming to every hard muscular contour makes my breathing labored. Those deep blue fuck me eyes staring back with such intensity.

I fear telling him my thoughts would only anger him, but I'm confused as to why he's here.

"That day I was with you after you fell from the greenhouse, there was something I wanted to tell you." His thumb and index finger trail my chin, tilting it up. "Everything I have done for the last four years has been to get to you and I won't throw it away because I'm stubborn. I should never have made you feel guilty for being with Dominic. That is on me, because of my own jealousy. Pushing you away in the infirmary was also my failure because I knew you deserved better. A real man that could protect you. I was embarrassed when you were so concerned about my physique, and I didn't want to disappoint you. That's why I've been working so hard to get back in shape. I heard what you said to Negan tonight. I'm sorry that I hurt you over this. I'm sorry that you had to seek comfort in another man. Or that you felt alone and unwanted because that is so far from the truth. I love you, RM. I love you unconditionally, and there is **nothing** that will ever change that. As long as my heart beats, it's for you."

My words become caught in my throat. Oh, god, is this a dream? Or one of my daydreams gone too far? I don't think Madsen has ever said this much before.

"Will you forgive me?"

I smile up at perfection. "I love you."

He looks at me in disbelief. "You... love…?"

How could I not? After everything this man has done for me. "Yes. Unconditionally. Which I learned means a fuck ton."

After four long fuck filled years, his lips press hard against mine and I know that this time I won't be met with opposition. His tongue sweeps mine as our kiss intensifies from the undying passion we have for each other.

Fuck, I want him to devour me. When his hands start sliding across my wet skin, I moan against his lips. I'm fearful to touch this man. Has the road to get him here still fucked him up?

There are so many smells that make me feel like I'm home. His pomade, now reactivated by the running water. The faint smell of cigarette smoke lingering in the fibers of his shirt. The unmistakable scent of his cologne that is singular to him because I've never smelled it on another man before. Sweet, yet masculine. I just want to bury my face against his left side to inhale it because it's his dominant side. The only thing missing is the arousing smell of motorcycle exhaust, which usually meant I was getting fucked against a workbench.

When he breaks the kiss, I almost yank him back, but his eyes still seemed troubled. "Will you forgive me?"

"Of course. You're my Madie, and I'm your baby."

"Yes," he chokes. "I'm your Madie, and you're my baby." He reaches behind me, turning the water off.

I don't want this moment to be over. I want to be put against this fucking tile and him delve up into me over and over again as I scream his name.

Maybe he sensed the people coming because as the towel covers my naked flesh, we're interrupted. Madsen could actually be exiled from Sanctuary for being in the women's bathroom, but the girls don't say anything as he carries me from the showers after getting my things. Maybe in the low light, they thought it was Negan. Whatever the reason, I'm thankful they held their tongue.

Madsen has the biggest room aside from Negan in Sanctuary. Complete with some kitchen things, fireplace, and sizable bed that's never been used that I'm gently set on. This room is too big for me because I want him close.

He unlaces his boots, then steps from them before they're neatly placed by his armchair.

I watch dough-eyed when his shirt comes off and he runs a towel over his tanned skin. Several more scars have been added to his already large collection including the ones on his stomach. For a brief moment, I get to see tousled hair when the towel is taken away but it's slicked back into place. I giggle at his insecurity.

Madsen kneels before me, using that same towel to soak up some of the water in my hair. "I've never wanted you more than against that shower tile. Looking down at you as your wet hair clings to your beautiful breasts."

"Oh, fuck," I whimper.

He moves some of it over my shoulder. "It's gotten so long." There's a sadness to his words because we both know he's talking about it being a metaphor for our time apart. He goes back to towel drying it for me. "I'm sorry that I never took the time to show you how to brush your hair, RM. The truth is, I have always enjoyed doing it for you. You at my feet, staring up at me as the tiniest giggle leaves your lips. It felt like you needed me."

"I will always need my Madie."

"Will you say it again?"

"Say what?"

He swallows hard, seeming uncomfortable. "That you…" His eyes sink as he shakes his head. "Nevermind."

That I need him? Oh! "I love you," I smile. Madsen's face right now makes me regret never saying it sooner. I feel his damp cheek against mine when our lips touch. It's going to make me fucking cry. Surely he knows how much I care for him, but this is intimacy unlike anything else. Now I understand why he hasn't tried to fuck me. This is about so much more. Though I do find myself disappointed when he gets my tank top.

"I'm not sure this does anything, but since when has a shirt ever," he smirks, running his finger down the curves of my exposed flesh from the cut out arm openings.

I shy away, covering my chest with folded arms. "I don't like when you touch me there."

"Does it not feel good?"

"They're not beautiful, they're too small. Not full and round like Jessica's or–"

"That is enough."

"You can't tell me you like them this pathetic size."

"I do." He slips his hand under my shirt, leaning in close to my lips. "Because I can feel all of you with just a touch," he says as his thumb rubs against my nipple.

"Fuck. You bastard."

His teeth nip at it through my thin shirt. "So I've been told." That fucking large tongue of his licks over both of them as they poke hard through the material. "Now. What were you saying? You don't want me touching them?"

I think about how good his tongue would feel if he teased me with it in other places, and start to rub myself over these soft legs. "I didn't say fuck all, man."

He licks up my neck to my ear. "Good girl."

My fingers turn even faster against the fabric. I'm going to get stocking burn or some shit.

Madsen grabs my hips, yanking me to the edge of the mattress. "Stop touching yourself."

"But, please. Don't you want to watch me come? I'm so fucking wet. Feel."

He stills my hand. "No. I want you to be a good girl for Madie and take these off."

I want to please him more than anything, but taking these off will leave me vulnerable. How can he ask this if me?

"I have something for you."

Fuck, I hope it's that turgid torpedo of his.

In his jacket pocket, he retrieves nostalgia.

My eyes light up as I see the fabric hang off his fingers. "My beauties!" He **was** the one who took them from that shop. I run my fingers over the star pattern and become choked up. We were following in each other's footsteps.

He tugs at the pair on my legs. "I know it's going to be uncomfortable to remove them, but these don't suit you."

"You do it. Please." I pet my beauties briefly on the bed.

Even though I've given him permission, he's slow and respectful to take these other ones off. Always glancing at my face to make sure I'm comfortable until finally the fabric is discarded to the side.

"Gentle, gentle," I instruct as he picks my beauties up from the bed.

"Give me your foot." He kisses the tops of each one before they're slipped over my toes.

The muscles between my legs tighten as these beauties are inched up my calves. Fuck, this is so fucking intimate. It's driving me insane. My nipples rub against this shirt because I'm so fucking aroused. I'm not thinking about my hip scars at all.

"Up, RM."

As I rise, I find myself embarrassed that I've left my arousal on his sheets. I'm not the only one at least. I can see the outline of that bastard against the denim. I've never seen it strain that hard against it.

Once they're in place, Madsen kisses the fabric in several places.

His lips feel so good on me, but there's this longing for them to be in other places I know he has issues with.

"Let me see you in your new skin."

I close my eyes as his callus hands catch against the fabric.

"Beautiful, baby."

It's one of the few times in my life I have felt beautiful.

His hand runs between my legs before slipping down the front of the fabric.

I moan as fingers turn in circles against my sensitive skin. Fuck. "I want you so fucking bad."

"Do you now?"

"Yes. Please fuck me, Madsen. I need you!"

"Tell me who you belong to first."

"I belong to you, Madie." I moan when his hand moves into my beauties and two of his thick fingers fill me.

"Good girl," he growls, licking up my ear.

Belonging to a man is something I never thought I'd desire, but look at the man I belong to. There isn't a more perfect one in existence. I moan as he slips from me, then lick myself from his fingers.

"You're not going to save me any?"

I shake my head side to side slowly, my tongue curling around and up and down his fingers. Only, I'm in little control. I whimper loudly when he rips open my beauties. Is he?! "Fuck!"

His tongue finds every single sensitive spot and pleasures me.

Oh, god. My Madie doing this? He's really… yes! Fuck yes, this is… there aren't words. "Do I taste good, Madie?"

His lips press to my inner thigh. "Yes, baby."

This fucker is perfect. The lust I have for him right now knowing he's pleasuring me in a way he's not mentally stable enough for means so much to me. As much as I want my release against his mouth, I scoot away from him. I fumble nervously with his belt which is so stupid, but it's been so long.

He takes a seat on the bed, running his hands in my hair.

My eyes shift nervously to his.

"What's wrong?"

I want to ask him if he's been with anybody else but I don't want to ruin the moment. Not that it matters. Nothing matters other than this. Us. Whoa, and my fucking whalelephant! I take him between my lips, moving down and back up again.

He lets out a low grunt as his fingers start to grip a handful of my hair.

There's nothing sexier than a moan from a man. Especially knowing it's from a job well done. "Just come." There are very few times he can come twice, but I don't think he's going to have any problems tonight.

"Alright, just like that for Madie."

Fuck, he knows how much it gets me going when he says his name back to me. It was something I've asked him and always been denied except once before this. I hold him by the hilt, using my hand with my mouth. He's right, and releases in my mouth after my eyes shift seductively up to his. I let some of him run down my chin, before wiping it off. "I should make you clean it off me."

He's weird about his own arousal and shakes his head no.

"You're going to tell me no?"

His fingers take me by the throat and he presses his lips to my ear. "I most certainly am. Finish cleaning me from yourself. Then you can thank me for allowing you to." His fingers squeeze more the longer it takes. "Stop touching yourself, or I will restrain your hands."

Like that's going to hold me, and I challenge this cocky bastard while waiting to feel leather bind my wrists together. Instead, the pillow is stripped of this protective cover and folded long ways several times before it binds my wrist. "That's not fair! I can't get free," I struggle.

He moves my hands in front of my face with ease from the pillow cover. "Finish cleaning up."

As I work on the last finger, I feel a pinch but moan in pleasure finally having my Madie claim me. All this time, all this sexual frustration makes this moment fucking incredible.

His eyes close as he takes a moment to enjoy this before he works his hips forward and back out again, smirking as he does it.

I'm helpless to move when he impales me. "Fuck me, Madie," I cry.

He holds me by the jaw, going back to teasing me with what he has to offer. "Let me make something very clear to you, RM. No other man will **ever** make you come undone the way I do."

"Fuck," I pant. Who is this man? As if I need anyone else!

"Where's my thank you, baby?"

I've never been such a submissive fuck in the bedroom, but goddamn. I'd do anything for his cock to stuff me full again. "Thank you for letting me clean you from me."

"Good girl. Go to my chair."

Fuck, he's ordering me around, but there's control in what he's doing. He's not degrading me or slapping me. He's using his voice. Calm. Rugged. He's concise in his words, and it's making me his. I'd do anything this man wants so long as it's followed by…

" _...be a good girl for Madie…"_

And like some kind of slut trans I'm in any position he wants. Right now it's on my knees on the floor with my ass up. Fingering myself so he can watch.

He sits in his chair, working his hand up and down on himself. Madsen makes me come like this not once, but twice. "Touch yourself until I'm satisfied."

"Please, not again. It's too sensitive."

"It's not a request, RM."

"Okay," I whine.

"Put some effort into it if you want up from that position."

I try to fake it, but then I get reprimanded. "Oh," I pant.

"Keep your voice down or I will not allow you to have your release."

Fuck, his words almost help me find that.

"Touch yourself until I say you can stop."

And would you know it, this fucking tease made me finger myself until the mere seconds before I'm screaming again.

He gets up from the chair and I'm taken in his arms.

"No, please." I try to finish myself, but he's not letting me as he sets me back on the bed. No more games this time. No more binding my wrist. No more teases. This time, I'm given him entirely. Madsen allows me to explore his form and my fingers greedily go for those cock muscles. Fuck, fuck, they are so hot. This man is so fucking fine.

His kisses my neck and up to my ear.

It chokes me up as tears well up in the corners of my eyes. I am so happy to have this man back. One who has fought through hell to be here right now.

"RM," he grunts, his hips meeting mine more frantic.

"Yes! Oh, gosh, Madsen!" Even though he told me to keep my voice down, he has no reserved about how loud I scream for him to fuck me.

He draws in a deep breath, holding it until a moan leaves him followed by his release. Feeling him is something I'm rarely allowed because he doesn't like it, but there are zero reserves in his expression that I greedily take in.

"Fuck." His dick is like what heroin was to me. Leaving me tired and soon I'll want even more.

Madsen exhales heavily against my chest, catching his breath.

"You went diving for pearls," I smile.

He gives me an exhausted nod, pushing himself off the bed.

Damn, I thought that maybe after everything, he wouldn't run off like he always used to after sex.

He washes his hands, then runs some water through his hair.

At least the view of that perfect muscular rear is a nice consolation prize.

He pulls a small hand towel down, then rinses himself off.

Oh, I like that image, too.

Madsen wets the towel some, then grabs a bottle of water before returning to the bed. The bottle is handed over to me, then he gently runs the towel over my curves and neck.

I close my eyes to enjoy the pampering. That feels so good, especially when he cleans between my legs.

"I know that I have been neglectful towards you and it's not right. This is as important as the sex itself."

This means so fucking much to me because I have fantasized so much about it.

"Drink your water."

I'm going to be so sore tomorrow… "You look even better than before."

"Everyone looks good after they find their release," he smirks, stuffing his cigarette between his lips. "Do you resent me, RM?"

"No. Not many people would be willing to do what you did to protect all of us."

"But in the end, it hurt you the most. That was never my intention. Everything I have done has been to protect you."

I run my fingers over the scars on his stomach because that has never been more true. "I don't see it as you hurt me. Losing you forced me to grow up. To make the hard decisions I couldn't have done with you by my side, and we both know that. Fuck anyone who thinks otherwise. All I wanted these last few years has been this second chance with you. I'll treat you so good, Madie. I'm going to make things right-"

"RM, slow down." He sweeps my cheek with his thumb. "I knew what being with you meant, alright? You were good to me. You still are good to me. I'm a fool for letting my jealousy steal any time away from us. That is on me, not you."

"I wish you'd get on this pearl."

"I was just on that precious pearl."

"So?"

"You know I'm 50 years old now."

"Then get some Viagra, bitch, and let's go."

"Wha... I'm not that old! Come here," he growls as the cigarette is tossed into his ashtray and I am ravished.

I mean, I only thought I knew what fucking was. At least I don't have to tell everyone that we're back together since in pretty sure everyone can hear my filthy cries. "Mmm, yeah, bring that towel back again," I smile, parting my legs. This is my new favorite thing. "What's this called?"

"Aftercare." Madsen stretches next to me, stroking my hair.

I scoot close to his body before I'm taken in his strong arms.

"Baby, don't cry." He rolls on his back as I lay on his chest.

"I'm so fucking scared this isn't real."

His lips touch to my fingers. "There is a part of me that feels that way too, especially after hearing those sweet words leave your lips." He runs his thumb across my bottom one. "Rest. I'll be right here, RM." The soft sheets are pulled over me.

"This is the first time you've been in a bed since that night we spent back at your house before you went to jail."

"It's going to take some getting used to, but it just didn't feel right being in one without you by my side."

I know that Madsen and I have a lot of things to talk about. One thing being our sobriety. He's been clean for months while I can't seem to decide what the hell I'm doing. Maybe I need to get back on my coins he made me again. Something for Negan and I to do together. Speaking of getting back on something, I can't wait to tell Negan I was on this whalelephant. He's just going to have to deal with it because I don't have anyone else I can gossip to about these kinds of things. Heh.

"What are you grinning about?"

Oh shit. Busted. "About Negan having to suffer through my bullshit."

"Why do I get the feeling I am going to have not one dingus but two now?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, man. I'm a constant de-fucking-light."

"Yes," he smirks, "you are, baby."

* * *

 _ **Redamancy**_ _(n.) the act of loving the one who loves you; a love returned in full._


	40. Stay in Sanctuary, RM!

**A/N I'm sorry I've been absent a while, but I have returned. Real life has not been so kind to me. Anyway, a few months ago, my computer crashed and I lost a lot of my writing. All the chapters I had done for Beautiful Tragedy are gone so I'm having to rewrite everything from memory. Thanks for being patient.**

 **I know that there is a group in the show called Oceanside where it's all females. Just so there is no confusion, the group 'Community' in these next chapters are not the Oceanside.**

* * *

 _ **Eccedentesiast** (n.) someone who only pretends to smile. _

* * *

Negan blinks several times before bellowing out the loudest laugh I have ever heard.

I fold my little arms. "Bitch, what is funny?"

"Huh?" He tugs these cords from his ears. "What do you want? I was listening to this thing on tape." Negan has some kind of radio calculator that he pushes a button on.

"You mean to tell me I've been talking for the last thirty minutes and you didn't hear one word?"

"Nope," he smirks. "I thought-" His eyes fall to my beauties. "The… fuck? Where did you get those?"

"Dingus, that's what I've been trying to tell you!" Which I have to tell him again.

Negan rubs his brow after a few minutes. "Stop, please. If I have to hear about his whale skin one more fucking time..."

"Whalelephant."

"RM!"

"Who the hell else am I supposed to talk about this kinda thing? You should consider yourself lucky, man."

"Lucky. Me."

"Look, anyway, I want you to know that I like really appreciate you and shit." I move my arms around his dumpy body.

"I love you, too," he smirks, returning the embrace.

"Alright, that's enough now."

"Nah, I kinda like it."

Gross! Wait a second. Something is wrong. I'm not annoyed by the sound of his body hair. "Did you shave your chest?"

"Oh," he starts to laugh as he pulls away from me. "Yeah. I got tired of seeing you all mopey and shit so I thought it might cheer you up. Well, I mean now you've got him so..."

Damn, that's real fucking decent of him. "That means a lot to me. Can I see it?"

"Nope. Now you'll always wonder about what you could have had. Younger and thicker version 2.0."

I stamp my foot with a pout which makes him chuckle.

"Where is he, anyway? Jesus, you've checked on him today right? My grandma died in her sleep. That's what old people do, you know."

"Shut up! And for your information, he's working out."

"Pff," Negan scoffs, folding his arms.

"Besides, I didn't come in here just to talk about how fine Madsen is. Will you get me Gli glitter from the supply room?"

"Hell no, and if I was in my right mind I'd have fucking thrown it all away. I hate glitter."

That doesn't surprise me. It's not like he'd know fancy if it sat on his face. I snap my fingers impatiently because I know the bitch is holding out on me. After it's given to me, I pretend to throw it on him and laugh. I've never seen anyone get so pissed over something but he really hates Gli glitter.

"I swear to god, RM, if I so much as find one spec in Sanctuary, I'm going to-"

"Yeah, yeah," I dismiss him. Oh, that reminds me. I need Specs' help.

Specs and I go through this entire thing, most of it being on my body. "Go stand outside and watch for Madsen." I gotta get in some moves with this shit before it gets scrubbed off me again. I barely am able to do the moonwalk before the door flings open.

"RM!" Specs comes barging into Madsen's room. "It's… it's… Mister…" He stops and grabs his knees as he catches his breath.

Oh, fuck! "Stall him!"

Specs turns around and bumps right into Madsen.

My eyes widen in fear. The last time I covered my body in Gli glitter, Negan had a fucking heart attack. "I just wanted to be fancy!"

"Specs." Madsen's eyes move towards the door.

"Yes, Sir," he cowers, running from the room and closing the door behind him.

Madsen folds his arms across his chest. "Why are you raising your voice at me, girl?"

"Well," I shrug, "it's just… last time Negan made me wash it off and I don't want to!"

"RM, a woman's body is her business."

I snap him a glare. Is this a trick? Seriously? "I can keep it on?"

"If you want."

My heart feels so full from his words. Not dictating what I do. Letting me keep it real. I place my hands on my hips proud. "My bitch dust is pretty sexy, huh?"

That gets him and he starts to laugh. But despite his laugh, he seems down. Troubled.

I have a seat on his lap once he's in the chair. "What's wrong? Are you having second thoughts about us?"

He brushes my cheek, mindful of my Gli glitter. "Baby, no, it's nothing like that. Some days are just more difficult than others."

"Because of the drugs?"

"Yes."

I understand that. Nothing has ever been this hard. Not even Madsen's whalelephant. "Madie, do you think we can do this?"

"We will. We must, RM. I should have put a stop to it a long time ago." He strokes my hair as I lean into his warm chest.

I don't care about Gli glitter anymore, which is everywhere might I add. Today is the first day in I can't remember how long that I don't hate my life. I know… I sold out needing a man to make me happy, but Madie has my heart. You can't work right without all the good body parts.

"Some days … it's as if I'm hallucinating. I swore I saw that man from your program."

"Oh, yeah! Believe it, bitch! He's here to stay."

He chuckles and shakes his head at me.

"Remember, he gave me my reward that day?"

"My attention was on you, and how proud I am of you, of all you've achieved."

"Yeah, my brain is getting so full these days." His smile always makes me forget what the fuck I was talking about!

"I want to talk to you about something that's important and that's about staying inside Sanctuary for me. Yes?"

Damn, is this about NSFL? I thought all those guys were dead. "Alright." But what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Besides, I'll take Simon with me!

"I know that you're thinking what I don't know won't hurt me."

"But I'll take Simon with me!"

"RM…"

"Fine!"

"That attitude, I swear, girl."

I better not think any more thoughts before he reads them again. Maybe if I think dirty thoughts he'll fuck me.

"Are you going to shower before we eat?"

Wrong kind of dirty. Oh well. "Shower first." And I know just where I'll be doing that.

Negan is having some kind of wild orgy in his room so that should give me four minutes to shower.

* * *

EXACTLY FOUR MINUTES AND TWENTY-TWO SECONDS LATER

* * *

"What in the holy fuckity?!" Negan moves aside the shower curtain. "I told you about that goddamn glitter, RM, I fucking told you!"

"Oh my god," I scream. "Your leaf blower still has the bag on it!" I grab the soap and rub it in my eyes so I can't see it. "Ahhh!"

"Get out!"

"Fuck you!"

Negan slips and hits his forehead on the edge of the bathtub, parts of him now covered in the Gli glitter. "Bullshit! Let me have the water!"

"Can't you see that I can't see?!" This goddamn soap isn't rinsing out! "Ow!" My elbow hits the wall and then he hits me on the back of the head with the shampoo bottle.

"Scoot over, RM! You're not even that big to begin with."

"Fuck you, you soggy fuck!" We sound like a repeating record in here.

 _Shit. Fuck. Ow. Move. Shit. Fuck. Ow. Move!_

Negan rips the shower curtain off in a fit. "I've got motherfucking glitter all over me!"

"This is fucked!"

"Quit stepping on my toes!"

I can't even with this dingus anymore, and get out of the tub. My clothes are scooped up to cover my little fried eggs as I scamper back to Madsen's room.

His eyebrow inches upward.

I throw my clothes to the floor in a tantrum. "Yeah, so, mistakes were made, alright?" I scream, pressing my palms to my eyes. "They burn!"

Madsen comes up behind me and takes my hands from my face. "Close your eyes, RM. Calm down." I'm hoisted up and taken to his sink where he sets me beside it on the counter. He gets a rag and cleans around my face and nose. "Lean over some, let's get it rinsed out." He also helps me into my clothing.

Well, at least the pampering is nice which doesn't last long when Negan barges in Madsen's room.

"RM, so help me god. I just took a shit and it looked bedazzled from all that motherfucking glitter!"

What the fuck is bedazzled and why don't I have one? "Eww, wait, you showered then took a shit?"

Madsen shakes his head and says he doesn't even want to know. "RM, lunch when you're done with… whatever this is."

Negan folds his arms across his chest as he watches Madsen leave. "I guess I didn't think about Madsen getting pissed we showered together."

"Oh, really," I laugh. "That's what you call what happened? Nah, man, he doesn't care about that shit. Besides, I had my beauties on."

"This is a man who put another man in the infirmary and you're telling me he's not jealous?"

"Dingus, are you in the infirmary now? No. So shut the fuck up. You're exhausting me with your bullshit!"

Madsen's door opens slightly and in steps Carson. "Sir, we have an issue. One of the women at the guard tower is missing."

"Probably ran away if she was smart," I mumble. What I don't realize is that when there's an issue in Sanctuary, it involves Madsen now. I mean, I guess I'm used to it because he's always been big swinging dick, but I've been looking forward to just doing us things. As angry as I get at Negan for giving Madsen shit, Negan's right. Madsen is fifty now. We don't have forever together and with this world the way it is who can guarantee any days past today? Damn, I need to get out of my brain before I start getting sad again.

This missing guard turns into an all-day fucking affair which means I was able to sneak out of Sanctuary to go play. One time, I watched this movie on how this alien came to earth and the people of earth started cutting some of his skin off. They called it an oopsy, and they sent it to the lab to do testing on it. I don't want to hurt any of the undead, but maybe I can do an oopsy on their skin and then find out what the hell makes us turn into these things. Hmm. I need like real smart things first before I start doing experiments though.

When I return inside, I find Specs coloring. "Specs, I need a pair of your glasses. Like some experiment shit ones." Specs has over twenty pairs of glasses. He says he has different ones for everything he does. The ones he gives me are fucking cool, too. I can't see a thing out of them, but that's the price of science.

My next stop is getting a pair of gloves from Madie's room. That way, I don't get science on my hands. Finally, a white coat from the guy in the infirmary. It has all kinds of pockets to store my experiment equipment in. Damn. The infirmary has all kinds of cool stuff. A little knife. A little hammer. All things my size! I'll just load all this stuff up. Now I need something to collect my oopsy in. Oh, there's an empty pill container in the trash. I'll use that. Yes! Ready.

When I get outside, to my surprise, I see a lot of familiar faces standing in the courtyard as they talk to Madsen.

Prick Grimes.

Double D's.

Carl.

PM.

"It's not like Andrea to wander off," Prick starts.

"We're not a search party," Madsen tells them.

"If this is about us not helping RM-"

"RM needed medical help and we were dismissed. The Saviors are not siding with you to find your missing people."

"I lent you my motorcycle," Daryl snaps.

Madsen rears to his full height, taking a menacing step towards Daryl. "Boy, you'd do well not to raise your voice to me. Do you really want to keep tabs on what you _think_ you're owed?" Madsen lets out a condescending laugh.

Dominic looks like he's about ready to take a long-awaited swing at Daryl, but that's really nothing new and Daryl backs down.

Oh, fuck. Now Negan is joining the party and he looks pissed. He squeezes his gloved hands tight. "You have a lot of fucking nerve showing up in Sanctuary asking us for help! RM could have fucking died! The Saviors are **not** your allies."

"Wait," Carl tries to reason. "Someone took my mom and my girlfriend, I know it. Yeah, we're here asking for help, but what if this is only the beginning? What happens when they start taking your women, too? RM included."

Damn, that kid has brain powers.

Madsen and Negan both look at each other.

I need to get the fuck out of here before I get turned on by Madie and Negan working together.

* * *

I stare back at the undead on Negan's fence as I clutch my RM sized knife in my hand. "I'm not really excited about doing this now but we could save the world and then you can go back to whatever it is you were doing." My eyes roam the black knee-high boots and pasties. "I guess that's the Velvet Clam. Don't worry, I won't take any of the good parts you'll need." I slice a piece of skin on her wrist. "Sorry," I frown. Oh, shit. Negan! I duck down as the trucks pull out the front gates of Sanctuary. Heh. I guess they decided to help them after all. Maybe they'll find our missing guard, too. As I stand up and turn around, I'm surrounded by several women with guns. Women I don't know.

"What are you doing?"

I hold up the undead's skin before stuffing it in the pill bottle. "Uh, science things, duh."

The hostility that I'm met with curves instantly. "She's looking for a cure," someone murmurs. "She's taking a biopsy."

I shake my head. "No, it's called an oopsy."

A lady with scratch mark scars down her throat steps forward. "My name is Mother. We come from a place called Community. It's a safe place for women, away from men who might mean us harm."

I look over her scars again. "Is that what happened to your neck?"

"Yes. At the start of the outbreak, I was taken by a group of filth. Once I escaped, I vowed to build a place where women would never have to fear men again."

"I'm sorry that happened to you," I frown. At least I can cover my hip scars up with my beauties. She has to wear them visible on her neck.

"We have a girl in our group about your age."

"Wait, you know my age?" Wow, she must be psychic.

"You should come back with us," Mother offers. "Share your findings with our other scientist."

Actually, that's a good idea. If I'm going to figure out how to fix the undead, I'll need more help. This Mother lady is awfully interested in me. I don't really answer much other than my name because I'm trying to keep track of where we are going for when I head back later tonight. The walk to Community is stupid because it takes forever, and when we get there, I don't understand. "You live on a ship?"

"Correct. One way on, one way off, which we control."

"Well, I can't swim. I should probably head back anyhow. I'll be in a lot of trouble if someone knows I snuck out." I give her a funny look when her hand touches my shoulder. "Stop that. I don't like affection."

"Perhaps you could share your findings with our scientist first?"

"Well, I guess. My beauties are aching." I dodge her hand again. I wish she'd stop touching me.

This ship gets me all turned around once I'm inside. Until I stop completely once I see a naked bloody man in a room hanging from the ceiling by his hands. He's screaming but doesn't make a lot of noise because there's something in his mouth.

Mother closes the door and smiles down at me.

I take a step from her. "Why are you hurting that man?!"

"It was a man that we found forcing himself on one of the women as we were gathering supplies in a pharmacy. He'll be tortured, then killed as punishment for touching what does not belong to him."

I don't like killing, but rape is wrong. "Negan would put their, you know." I tug at the crotch if my pants. "He'd put those on the fence. As like a warning that it's not allowed."

"If it wasn't allowed, there wouldn't be testicles on the fence as a warning. That's the point of Community. To stop it before it ever gets to that point."

"But not all men are like that. My Madie isn't like that."

"Your… what?"

"Madie. Madie took me from Mama when I was a little girl because Mama was letting men do bad things."

"Oh, your daddy."

"No, man. Madie. Not daddy, that's fucking gross. You don't fuck your dad."

"You have intercourse with this Madie?"

"We're finally back together again," I smile. "He was in jail for a long time for things he did."

"I see… and how old is this… Madie?"

"Fifty, but he can still get it up." I wiggle my eyebrows. Now I don't know what I said that made this Mother woman upset, but she becomes agitated. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No. That's what they want you to think. That it's your fault."

They? Is she listening to a word I'm saying? I thought we were talking about Madsen.

"You said you'd be in trouble if you left. Are you, held against your will?"

I give her a funny look. "You're putting words in my mouth. I think it's time that I leave."

"I have some questions for you first. Answer them for me and I'll take you back. I'd like to meet Madie."

"Why are you so interested in him?"

"Come with me inside the meeting room." She opens a door to a dark room that I can't see inside.

"Uh… this is getting weird." I try to turn around but bump into two guards I didn't realize were standing there. "Please move. I want to leave!"

"RM," Mother starts, "questions first, then you may leave."

"Well," I frown. "Do you swear?" I mean what fucking choice do I have? It's not like I can get past these two so I march myself into the meeting room which is a small table and four chairs. I plop down in the seat and fold my arms. "You're making me uncomfortable."

"I think that's because you've never known true peace. Community can offer you that, RM."

My hand slams down hard on the table. "Listen to me. You can offer up all the Gli glitter and Raymond's soup in the world, but I just got my Madie back. You lured me here with science and now you're trying to trick me into staying."

She loses that weird smile that some mistake for friendly and leans against the table. "I want you to tell me everything about the one you call Negan and Madie..."


	41. Chapter 41

**A/N Here's a short update, but another one will follow soon! Thank you for all the reviews last chapter :)**

* * *

 _ **Peripeteia**_ _(n.) a sudden or unexpected reversal of circumstances; the point of no return._

* * *

I'm not stupid. Well, I mean, I'm not all that smart either. My point is, I know what mother's getting at. She's trying to brainwash me into thinking what Madsen did was wrong. Like Madsen is this horrible person. So what do I do? I remember in my alien movie how that old music used to make the aliens throw up. I thought that the music killed those cute cheetos but Madsen explained it just made them sick to their stomach. "Oo-oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo-oo!"

Mother stares back at me confused. "You're so mixed up, RM. It makes me sick."

Yes! Madie knows everything.

"Look, it's been a long day. How about you-"

"How about you take me home! You said you weren't keeping me here, but you're lying. Why should I trust anything you say if it's all bullshit?" When she reaches across the table and slaps me, I'm beside myself. "You… you struck me!"

"You just leave me no choice, RM."

"Forget this place! I'm outta here." I swipe my oopsy sample from the table and stand up only to be met by three more women. "Ow, alright! Stop shoving me!" I'm taken down the hall and to the right and, uh… the right again. I think? Fuck, this place looks the same down every new hall!

Mother stops outside of a door. "You'll stay in this room with our other scientist."

Stay? Ugh, it's dank. Like that room I was in for 2 years at Sanctuary. No windows. And the doorknob only works on one side. The outside of the door which is stupid because how do you get out? "I don't really like this room."

The door slams shut and locks, trapping me inside.

"Rude fuck!" Fuck! Well, at least I'm not alone. I put these glasses in one of my pockets. "Hi, I'm RM."

The girl looks hesitant to speak, and she seems like she's hiding something. "You can say it."

"For once, I have nothing to say about the shit I've seen here. I want to go home."

"I meant about my skin."

"Why would I talk shit about your skin?" Apparently, fuck. Let me think how to describe this here. Ok, so she has this thing with her skin that leaves these white patches on them, and it even makes parts of her hair white. She said it's called vitiligo. I just shrug her way. "You're a person, same as everyone else."

She seems relieved. "They said you were smart. Let me show you my findings so far."

Smart? People said that about me? "I was just doing science things. You know, oopsy stuff and what not. I'm really tired of it now. Do you have any Raymond's soup?"

"No, but I have Lipton soup."

Lips and soup blows dick for skittles, for the record. It's mostly yellow water with hardly any Raymond's soup in it. "What's your name?"

"Gummie. It's a name that… well… because I'm soft. A pushover."

Whoa. Damn, that's a cool name. "Just because you're soft doesn't mean you're a pushover. I don't harm, and no one fucks with me. If you want, I can teach you some moves to protect yourself with. My friend PM showed me." I show her my stance but she doesn't seem interested.

"I need to work on this or else Community Mother gets really upset."

Why are all mamas a pain in the ass?

The more I get to know about Gummie, the more I get excited about her meeting Specs. It was almost like hanging out with Specs. Hmm. Knowing my luck, they're related. "Do you have any brothers?"

"No, I'm an only child."

Excellent.

"Do you have the specimen?"

"Come again?"

Gummie cautiously reaches over and tugs the pill bottle from my coat pocket. She seems disappointed by my findings. "You're not really a scientist, are you?"

"No, and if I would have known it would have gotten me into all this trouble, I would have stayed the fuck inside like Madie told me to." I am going to be in so much trouble.

"Look, if they know you lied about being a scientist, they'll harm you. Come over here with me and just do what I say."

Mostly it was a bunch of hold this and write down that. "Why are there only women here?"

"Community Mother uses it as a fear tactic. By telling the other women they'll be raped or killed by any man."

"They're not all like that. My Madie and Negan especially."

"It doesn't matter. Look, things are different here. You can't mouth off to Community Mother. She had her own daughter reformed."

"Reformed?"

"It's where they keep you in a room and make you watch the torture of the men who mean us harm. It's awful. Sometimes I hear the screams of the women over the screams of the men. The point is to desensitize you and make you see Mother's law."

"What?! This place is a shit show. We gotta get out of here."

"No one has ever escaped from Community before. Please, just, listen to my words, okay? Go along with their delusion, and keep quiet. Maybe your family will rescue you."

"Oh, I don't need saving. Fuck the patriarchy. I got strong on my own."

She smiles my way. "Yeah. Fuck the patriarchy," she laughs.

I don't really know what's so funny. I'm not joking.

"If you do manage… could I come with?"

"Yeah, I think you'd like Sanctuary."

Gummie shakes her head. "Whatever happened to names like Atlanta or Chicago? Now every place sounds like a cult."

Hmm, come to think of it, she's right. I like Gummie a lot. "Hey, just so we're clear, the tall beefcake guy with no body hair and ruggedly fuck me features is mine. That's my Madie. You know so like things don't get weird between us."

"I don't really know what you said, but I don't like the alpha male. They're arrogant and obnoxious."

Specs, you are so lucky and you don't even know it...

* * *

It's always some reason why I can't leave and it has been like a lot of days since I've been here. Madsen is going to be so fucking pissed, I know he is. Maybe if I do things to annoy Mother, she'll kick me out. Although, that never seemed to work with Negan.

At first, I really think that my purpose here is to show the women that the violence against men is wrong. That the actions of a group of men shouldn't dictate the outcome for all men. I actually do a really good job convincing some of them, until Mother would stick her know it all nose into things. "No! Now I've fucking been through a lot of shit. Mama pulled this same shit with me until Madie rescued me. You think you need to let the women be reformed in order for them to fear men? You're wrong. And no fucking man will ever touch these beauties again unless I say so! Get the fuck outta my way. I'm going home." Which results in me going no fucking where! Stupid bullship!

* * *

Once Mother figured out I wasn't a scientist, I was given a lot of hard work. My other option was to be sent to the reform room. Some days were an eye opener because I was starting to fear that I'd never see Madie, Negan, or my aliens again.

There was one time when I thought I had fucked up or something because I keep hearing talks of the reform room. It turns out I'm just supposed to help one of the women bring food to the others locked in there.

It makes me sad when I see all the women. The first woman was blonde with a scar across her cheek. She refused the food by throwing it back my way. Yikes. Attitude...

Then there's a dark-skinned woman with badass dreads like Ezekiel had. Her attitude wasn't much better, but at least she didn't throw the food in my face.

In the corner, there is a younger girl, probably Carl's age. She looks really frightened. She won't take the food either, so I just leave it there for her.

"Don't eat it," the first woman warns the girl.

"Be quiet, Andrea," the lady with the dreadlocks snaps.

This ship puts everyone in a bad mood. Speaking of bad moods, here comes Mother again yelling at me for something I didn't do.

* * *

I kinda offended Gummie with my body odor so I'm allowed to go shower. I'm told that I can leave my clothes in the satchels and they will be washed for me. Wait a second. Satchel. Dirty clothes. Wash. Ocean water. Satchel. Dirty clothes. Wash. Ocean water. Yes! I move some of the dirty clothes into other bags so I have an empty one, then climb inside and wait to be taken.

Finally, I feel a tug on the satchel. Movement!

"Where's RM," Mother demands.

"I just came to get the laundry."

I snicker to myself at how upset Mother is. Bye, bitches. Okay, maybe it's not a full goodbye though. I hope Gummie knows that I will come back for her.

The bag goes from being carried to drug behind the woman which is fine by me. I don't care how I get out of this shit show, as long as I'm gone. I really hope that Madsen and Negan have the good enough sense not to come back here and slaughter these people. What they're doing is wrong, and they should be punished, but not if these women are going to be killed.

Once the satchel stills, I make my escape, only… I'm still right outside the ship. Oh fuck.

"There she is," someone shouts.

"No, it's not me," I correct them. Fuck this, I'm outta here and bolt for the woods. I am tired of being held in places against my will! First with Mama. Then when those drug dealers took me. The man who tried to breed me after I lost Cheeto and Dominic. The Saviors basement. This bullship.

"RM!"

"Get fucked," I shout back at Mother. Come on, beauties, take me home! I do my best to navigate through the woods while trying to keep my distance from Mother and her followers. And why are they still chasing me? I get a second wind as the trees start to thin because I'm getting closer to a road now. Then I hear the most beautiful sound.

"You boys think your ball hair still grows when you're an undead?" Negan squats a few times like he's trying to adjust his own meat kiwis.

Madsen folds his arms across his broad chest as he gives Negan the most unenthused sigh.

"What? It's a valid motherfucking question. I mean, I can't be the only one thinking it!" Negan scans the group for any takers.

Dominic shrugs. "We could always find out."

Those two idiots make my heart so full!

"Idiots," Madsen murmurs under his breath as Negan and Dominic attempt to get one of the undead pantsed.

I'll never take Negan's bullshit for granted again. Just as I'm about to step onto the road, I'm pulled back into the woods. "Madie," my muffled voice tries to scream over the ladies hand. I squirm in an attempt to get free, but I can't and I'm drug over to the group.

"Mother, she called one of those men Madie."

What have I done?!

Mother glares over at the Savior's truck. "I want those men brought back alive."

Oh, god! These sick fucks! They think that Madie has brainwashed me! "No, don't hurt him!"

"We'll do more than hurt them. Go in teams, be smart about it. Men their size will not be easy to take down. RM, you'll come with me to the reform room."


End file.
